Multiversal Political Intrigue

by Flapjaw

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Random, Alternate Universe, Human, Romance, Comedy
Length: 13801

[b][color=#008282]TEREZI: COULD 1 H4V3 4 T4ST3 OF YOUR C4NDY R3D FUR B1G M4C >:?[/color][/b]

DAVE: sup ponies?
KARKAT: YES, HI, PLEASANTRIES, MORE BS. WE MADE YOUR UNIVERSE. BOW BEFORE US.

You have no idea what the hell these alien-looking ponies are talking about, but you find it FASCINATING.

Twilight Sparkle: become entangled in political intrigue

PINKIE: OOHOOHOOH!THISISGOINGTOBESOMUCHFUNOHMYGOSH!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-10 17:11:46 UTC

Shenannithikans≋

Be the frustrated Outer God

You are now the frustrated Outer God, and you are far TOO frustrated to go through the usual gags so you make your name known right away. You are--

SHITPIECE MUSCLECRAMP ✗

No! That is so outrageously wrong on so many levels. Try again for fuck's sake.

SHABBITH-KA ✓

Yeah, that's much better. Thank you so very fucking much.

Your name is Shabbith-Ka, and you are standing before an audience of thirty-four individuals, thirty-three of whom don't seem too keen on the only “male” cherub of the group. Cherubs don't have separate sexes, but when exposed to cultures that do they always assign the hateful half of the shared body the male gender and the caring half the female gender. You know exactly why this is, being an Outer God filled with much profound knowledge. This knowledge which you possess on the subject of cherubs is not profound at all, and is in fact completely fucktarded. You wish you didn't bear the burden of this information, but cherubs are entirely your responsibility. You are kind of a big deal.

DAVE: no

DAVE: we don't want him take him back

CALIBORN: FuCK YOu TOO. STRIDER.

KARKAT: GODDAMMIT WHAT THE FUCK!? WHY THE HELL IS THIS GREEN SHITSTAIN OUR PROBLEM NOW?

KARKAT: IS THIS OUR REWARD FOR KILLING HIS ADULT SELF?

KARKAT: NOW WE HAVE TO WATCH OUT FOR BABY ENGLISH FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES?

CALLIOPE: i'm a little confUsed myself. why do we have to go with them? i'm glad that i get to, bUt i jUst don't Understand the logic here.

SHABBITH-KA⋮ As I ha~e explained≋ it is impareti~e that the cherub race continue to ha~e a presence in all uni~erses≋

SHABBITH-KA⋮ It's all ~ery pedestrian≋ trust me≋

SHABBITH-KA⋮ Since cherubs are my responsibility I'd appreciate it if none of you fucked me on this okay≋ therefore≋ to pro~e that I am being cooperati~e and helpful≋ I will be limiting Caliborn's ability to be a raging murderous douche through complicated Outer God Majyyks≋

SHABBITH-KA: You're fucking welcome≋

DIRK: Dude, isn't Calliope enough? Why do we need her annoying bro, who I'm totally chill with keeping in line anyway but still. Can't you just get another cherub up in here for her to mate with?

CALLIOPE: wait, i have to pail this asshole!?

CALIBORN: NO. *FuCKING* WAY. I AM NOW IN FuLL AGREEMENT WITH THE INSuFFERABLE PRICKS AND TOTAL BITCHES WHO HATE ME. THIS. IS A FuCKING. TERRIBLE PLAN. TO END ALL TERRIBLE PLANS. uP YOuRS. SHABBY-WHATEVER-THE-FuCK-YOuR-NAME-IS.

KANAYA: I Dont Understand Why Were All Alive Now Let Alone Why We Have To Bother With Your Insane Ships Mister Magic God Of The Furthest Ring

KANAYA: Just Let Us Make Our Own Pailing Decisions For Fucks Sake

ROXY: coulndt cally liek, just up and rprduct w/hersefl ore somthin?

ROXY: *callie

ROXY: i mean like an aternet here or wutever.

ROXY: *alternate *her

ERIDAN: are you seriously suggestin that she pails her cod damn self

ERIDAN: wwhat the fuck rox

CALLIOPE: as distUrbing that idea is to contemplate, i find it mUch less off-pUtting than coUpling with my brother.

CALLIOPE: i hate him plenty by now bUt that doesn't really matter i think? u_u …i mean, kismesissitUde has lost its appeal after all this fighting and death.

ERIDAN: youvve gotta be fuckin kiddin me ovver here!

CRONUS: yo dancestor dude.

CRONUS: 8UG OFF HER 8ULGE!

CRONUS: if she vwants to pail herself then i say let her. sounds hot as fuck to me.

DAVESPRITE: totes, bro

DAVESPRITE: i second this radical motion

LATULA: oh m4n! you h4v3 to b3 th3 r4dd3st spr1t3 3v3r!

SHABBITH-KA⋮ What the fuck≋ No≋ Sprites aren't supposed to be here, where did you e~en come from≋ Get the hell out of here≋

DAVE: up yours mesprite is the bomb

DAVESPRITE: hell yes

DAVE: he should totally get to stay

GAMZEE: it warms my motherfucking vascular pump that we all up and got another motherfucker up in here

GAMZEE: WARMS IT SO MOTHER FUCKING HARD ALL UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN MOTHE--

You quickly interrupt this bullshit by preemptively hitting Gamzee's thinkpan with a spell you prepared to keep his murderous juggalo ass under control. While you're at it you go ahead and hit Caliborn with that mysterious restrictor spell you mentioned and nudge Kurloz's thinkpan just a bit. There. Problem solved. You should probably put an early end to any mind-control shenanigans from the Serkets too. You throw into the minds of all thirty-five currently present individuals some forbidden knowledge on psychic defenses. You'd just make it simple and strip the Serkets and the Peixes(es???≋) of those abilities of theirs altogether, but you seem to actually like those girls a little for some reason? Whatever. Moving on. Terezi Pyrope is now sniffing slightly-crazier-than-other-Makara-Makara.

SN1FFSN1FF #why me≋ #fuckers try to leave the sprite behind #not cool #so unr4d

TEREZI: TH3 US3L3SS 4SSHOL3 SM3LLS L3SS 3V1L 4ND MOR3 1D1OT1C NOW >:/

TEREZI: 1 GU3SS TH4TS 4 GOOD TH1NG

KARKAT: OF COURSE IT IS YOU DENSE FUCK! YOUR KISMESISSITUDE ISN'T AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR LIFE, YOU GRUB-LICKING MORON.

TEREZI: FUCK YOU TOO, K4RKL3S >:]

VRISKA: Oh come oooooooon. We were actually on the verge of doing something somewhat important for a minute there, and yet we've already managed to devolve into a 8unch of 8ullshit insults and meaningless 8anter! >::::(

MEENAH: in case you aint nauticed yet, less hot serket, thats not reely a thing that matters anymoor

MEENAH: we won shore as shit so we can waste all the time we clam whale please or waterever

FEFERI: GLUB GLUB! 38(

FEFERI: Vriska is NOT “less hot serket” you take t) (at back!

ARANEA: I dou8t it's worth our time to 8e arguing a8out this.

MEENAH: please bitch

MEENAH: araneas bass is so much finer than whats her fishs like for reel

NEPETA: :// < *ac thinks that vriskers is purrlenty attractive*

NEPETA: :33 < i mean i think that beclaws we still arent roleplaying with each other ever again i think

EQUIUS: D --> NEPETA!

EQUIUS: D --> I forbid you from participating in this f001ishness.

Rose doesn't seem to be paying this ridiculous conversation any mind, subtly ogling Maryam asses and comparing them. This strikes you as ironic since the ignored conversation is also about comparing asses, but of the spiderbitch variety.

CALIBORN: OH MY FuCKING GOD. GuESS WHO DOESN'T GIVE A FuCK ABOuT COMPARING BITCHES' ASSES RIGHT NOW?

CALIBORN: ANYONE WITH A FuCKING SCRAP. OF *INTELLIGENCE*!

DAVESPRITE: shouty asshole number “who gives a shit because i cant keep track anymore” has a point lets get this ball rolling already

JAKE: Right. There are jolly new adventures for us to embark upon as a united team!

JANE: (Uuuugh…)

JOHN: WHOA! jake has a point you guys. we are a rough and tumble group of heroes who just saved the furthest ring and created a brand new universe

JOHN: we should totally be reaping the spoils and stuff instead of wasting time on this nonsense

JOHN: besides everyone with half a brain knows that vriska is THE most attractive person here, serket or otherwise

TAVROS: (aRRRGH!)

VRISKA: W8, WHAT????????

JADE: SHOOSH!

JADE: its adventure time!!!!! :D

SHABBITH-KA⋮ I will not dignify any of this tomfoolery with any meaningful recognition≋ and instead will be~~

OTHER KANAYA: SHABBITH-KA‼ I AM GOING TO SLICE OPEN YOUR WARDEN ASS RIGHT‼ FUCKING‼ NOW‼‼‼

KANAYA: Oh My

ROSE: Someone certainly has a temper.

PORRIM: I wo+nder what co+uld have pro+vo+ked such activity.

OTHER KANAYA: GET READY TO DIE‼‼‼

HORUSS: 8=D < Does… does miss Maryam over there… possess HOOVES?

SHABBITH-KA: That's none of your concern≋ and neither is her reason for being here or wanting to kill me≋

SHABBITH-KA: Now go enjoy Equestria and ne~er exist in the same uni~erse as me e~er again≋

You activate the portal they were all obliviously standing on / floating over and MASS TRANSPORTALIZE them all the fuck out of here. Then you quickly abscond yourself because that Discorded version of Kanaya scares the shit out of you. All of this makes absolutely perfect sense and isn't totally confusing and convoluted in any way, shape, or form whatsoever.

John Egbert = pegasus pony ♂

Rose Lalonde = unicorn pony ♀

Dave Strider = pegasus pony ♂

Davesprite = pegacrow ponysprite ♂

Jade Harley = unicorn pony ♀

Jane Crocker = zebra ♀

Roxy Lalonde = crystal earth pony ♀

Dirk Strider = earth pony ♂

Jake English = uncanny earth pony ♂

♋ Karkat Vantas = bat pony ♂

♈ Aradia Megido = unicorn pony ♀

♉ Tavros Nitram = earth pony ♂

♊ Sollux Captor = bicorn pony ♂

♌ Nepeta Leijon = earth pony ♀

♍ Kanaya Maryam = unicorn-bat-vampire(ish) rainbow drinker pony ♀

♎ Terezi Pyrope = pegasus pony ♀

♏ Vriska Serket = pegasus pony ♀

♐ Equius Zahhak = earth pony ♂

♑ Gamzee Makara = earth pony ♂

♒ Eridan Ampora = unicorn seapony ♂

♓ Feferi Peixes = alicorn seapony ♀

♋ Kankri Vantas = Saddle Arabian equine ♂

♈ Damara Megido = crystal unicorn pony ♀

♉ Rufioh Nitram = pegasus pony ♂

♊ Mituna Captor = bicorn pony ♂

♌ Meulin Leijon = zebra ♀

♍ Porrim Maryam = unicorn-bat-vampire(ish) rainbow drinker pony ♀

♎ Latula Pyrope = earth pony ♀

♏ Aranea Serket = unicorn pony ♀

♐ Horuss Zahhak = unicorn pony ♂

♑ Kurloz Makara = zebra ♂

♒ Cronus Ampora = earth seapony ♂

♓ Meenah Peixes = alicorn seapony ♀

☤ Calliope / Callie Ohpeee = trony/cherub unicorn pony ♀

⛎ Caliborn = cherub earth pony ♂

These are the species that the individuals you just transportalized will become, for reasons that are completely sane and obvious to anyone who is you, and no one who is not.

Be the excitable mare

You are now the excitable mare. Hooray! You are currently floating in the Space Between Spaces, looking around at a bunch of references to things other than My Little Pony. There's Samurai Jack,  Courage the Cowardly Dog, and several others, but that's not what draws your attention at the moment. A bunch of humanoids like Jack are all sort of floating on over toward Equestria proper, which is not where you are from. You wave happily at them to get their attention.

PINKIE: HIHIHI! HOW ARE YA HOMESTUCKS AND WHERE R YA GOIN‽

SOLLUX: 2upp02edly we're goiing tw0 eque2triia and god damn if my 2tupiid fuckiing lii2p ii2n't back becau2e 0f the2e teeth FUCK

PINKIE: WELLIMFROMDOUBLERAINBOOMANDTHEOTHERMEDOESNTKNOWABOUTYOUBECAUSETHATWOULDBESTUPIDBUTIMSURESHELLLOVEYOUALLEVENTUALLY!

KARKAT: GOD DAMN, TAKE A BREATH WOULD YOU?

KANKRI: Dancest9r, such language c9uld very well 6e quite triggering f9r 9ur extremely temp9rary guest, s9 I must insist that y9u refrain fr9m using it in fr9nt 9f her. I d9n't have the time t9 create an exhaustive list 9f all her triggers due t9 the af9rementi9ned temp9rary nature 9f 9ur c9ntact with her, 6ut we can at least av9id the m9st c9mm9n 9f triggers t9 present s9me sem6lance of curtesy.

PINKIE: oh please. i dont give a fuck about that.

KANKRI: Uh…

PINKIE: ANYWAYBYE!

EQUIUS: D --> G00dbye, noble h00fbeast. May whatever mission you have taken on be a STRONGLY resounding success.

NEPETA: :33 < *ac giggles purrivately at the antics of her meowrail*

DAVESPRITE: yo guys, id hate to interrupt but uh…

You see the group of humanoids approaching a chaotic event horizon crackling with painful-looking temporal and mutative magics, apparently unable to control their own trajectories. They all spoke in unison then, with a few exceptions. Meulin just mouthed the words, Kurloz's eyes just widened because signing surprised exclamations is stupid, and Damara cursed in a language that was the Beforan precursor to Earth's Japanese.

EVERY SINGLE MOTHERFUCKING BODY: D =--D>: (( < O+0H) ( 2SHII1T!!!!!!!! 0_0 tumut >:[

END OF CHAPTER 1

SC4TT3R3D

"The Lord of Time shall be stripped of his powers, for though he has never tasted defeat, his future self has, and he must be retroactively punished for his weakness and insolence." -- unknown God of the Furthest Ring.

Be the cute little pony

Ha! No way. You can't be the cute little pony until you start showing the cute little pony some well deserved respect.

Be the powerful and intellectual alicorn mare of all Magic and Friendship

Much better. You are now PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE, and today is your birthday. You are now 21 EQUESTRIAN CYCLES old. For future reference, 21 Equestrian cycles are roughly equivalent to 16 Earth years, which is roughly equivalent to 7.5 Alternian solar sweeps, all of this coincidentally identical to 7.5 Beforan solar sweeps. (You see, Alternia and Beforus were two different iterations of the same planet.) None of this is relevant to you yet, but it will be soon, once you've finally met the otherworldly guests whose presence you are still unaware of. What will you do?

PTS: Do something predictably disgusting in a juvenile manner

That's a clever subversion of the usual joke, but it's lost on you because you are not privy to the events of HOMESTUCK yourself. If only you could hear this narration, you might decide to visit the MSPA website and do some research; we all know you love research. Of course, the human Internet would have to be a thing which still existed as well, and since it isn't then you're just completely out of luck. Oh well. You suppose it's best we don't continue being ridiculously meta here anyway.

PTS: Examine room

Your portion of the bedroom is immaculately clean; you have your #1 ASSISTANT SPIKE tidy it up for you on a regular basis. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem quite as concerned with his own belongings, at least not on this particular, special day. His ENCHANTED COMICS are strewn haphazardly across the floor, likely the result of his clambering to escape his basket and get downstairs to begin preparing your BIRTHDAY BREAKFAST. He normally wouldn't have made such a mess in any case, but you reason he was likely awake all night FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE in one of the comics. You straighten them up for him and stack them in their usual place. He is more than deserving of your gratitude.

It has been many (five, to be exact,) cycles since you were crowned a Princess, and Spike was by your side long before then. He has grown into a fine specimen of dragonhood… if that's even a word. You decide it isn't and rephrase your thoughts because you are just THAT obsessive-compulsive: he is a fine young dragon and a great friend. There, much better. In fact, he has grown outside the greed growth acceleration to be as tall as you are, which is saying something. The reason that is saying something relates to your being an alicorn for five cycles, which has brought your UNUSUAL HEIGHT ADDENDUM FIGURE to almost two inches above average, maybe. Immortals grow steadily taller than their mortal kin… VERY STEADILY.

PTS: Gaze out the window

You blissfully set your eyes to the Morning Light, Celestia's gift to Equestria, a true inspiration. You love your former mentor as well as her brightly shining Sun, but so too have you come to love her sister, the regal Princess Luna, whose glorious Night you enjoyed so recently. You already loved Cadance since foalhood, to the point of passing up the opportunity to make a hilarious joke about her. Seriously, what does she even do? Something to do with crystals, you guess.

Hehe… Okay, you can't even PRETEND to not understand magic for more than a second before breaking out in a giggle fit. You know EXACTLY how the Crystal Empire works and what it does for Equestria as a whole… probably… and Love Magic isn't TOO complicated, you just haven't figured out all the details yet.

PTS: Commence with the going downstairs

Okay. You do that thing which was just typed in the command box. It's strangely dark down here.

EVERYPONY: (butmostlyme) SURPRISE‼

It would appear that even the Cutie Mark Crusaders are here at the REGROWN GOLDEN OAKS LIBRARY. You weren't expecting the party to take place until its scheduled time, which was foolish of you. This is a Pinkie Pie Party afterall, and you don't schedule a Pinkie Pie Party, a Pinkie Pie Party schedules you. The fact that for the last five cycles all of your parties had commenced at exactly the right time had only been a ruse of the pink mare's design to lull you into a false sense of security, and now… WAHBAM! You've just been Party-duped. That or Pinkie is trying to tell you that this cycle is different, or more important somehow than those prior.

Nah, it's all just Pinkie being Pinkie. Everything is certainly fine. This is not the first time you have told yourself this.

PTS: Be somewhere more exciting than the library

A Pinkie Pie Party is exciting enough on its own. You wouldn't dare to complicate matters by parading the party around as part of a mobile extravaganza. You might have held the party at your castle, but that place feels too cavernous for this private event.

PTS: Then be someone else. Anyone else!

You are now someone, anyone, other than the powerful and intellectual alicorn mare of all Magic and Friendship. In fact, you are a bat-pony-troll-thing with candy-red blood, and your candy-corn-colored (sans white) horns are poking out of a black, disheveled mane of unruly hair. Your fur is a dark iron gray, with the exception of your Cutie Mark, which is your sign ♋ in a lighter steel gray over the mark of a Blood player in your very own blood color. To complete your nightmarish appearance (by pony standards) your hoof bones are oddly red as well, and your gray leathery wings have sharp claws attached to them.

JOHN: okay.

JOHN: my glasses definitely don't fit as well as they used to, but it looks to me like we all have hooves.

JOHN: in spite of that you look like a total badass.

Lovely. You seem to be with Egderp, wherever you are. Speaking of which you begin to look around, your new body and that of John are perfectly fine, so long as you don't mind being a winged hoofbeast. You do, actually, mind this a great deal, but before you rant and rave about it you stop to notice that Jane Crocker is also wherever you are. She's a zebra, sort of, with light cyan stripes in place of white ones, and does not possess any wings; she's also unconscious. You vaguely note that she has a symbol on her own flanks in the same arrangement as your Cutie Mark, which is a term you do not yet know: Her frowning cyan ghost over two vertical green wavy whatsits that are meant to represent life. A representation of death over one of life… amusing. You assume John awoke before you did, and note without the least bit of surprise that his wings are feathery rather than leathery like yours. His mane and tail are just as black as your own, but his fur is blue like his text. On his flanks is his green ghost over two horizontal cyan wavy things meant to represent breath. Damn, look at all this juicy CONTRAST.

But that's enough attention paid to your companions for now. You give your environment a little more attention, quickly determining that you are inside the main room of a circular building. It's a colorful building, and open, with two stories above the one your on with small balconies and no proper flooring beyond those. Most of the walking space is on the bottom floor, but all three floors have a stage, and across from these stages is an entrance/exit.

KARKAT: OKAY, WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?

JOHN: specifically?

JOHN: no idea, but i'd bet we're in equestria like that shabby-douche-muffin said.

KARKAT: WHY IS IT THAT WE ARE *ALWAYS* BEING THROWN THROUGH THE MULTIVERSE LIKE A BUNCH OF BRAINLESS ATOMIC PARTICLES WITH NO FREE WILL OR DECISION MAKING ABILITIES OF ANY KIND? ARE WE REALLY THAT DUMB?

KARKAT: IS IT OUR LOT IN LIFE TO FLOUNDER ABOUT CONSTANTLY AND MAKE USELESS CHOICES THAT GET US NOWHERE AND HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO BEARING ON OUR FUTURES? MUST WE REMAIN THE IMPUDENT AND BARREN BALLS OF A DISGUSTING MUSCLEBEAST'S CHAFED NUTSACK, PERPETUALLY AND DESPERATELY SHOOTING BLANK DISCHARGE WITH NO HOPE OF PROGRESSING OUR DISGUSTING AND UNSETTLING SPECIES?

KARKAT: (what the fuck is even the plural for that anyway? it seems like it's already plural even when it isn't.)

JANE: As much as I wish you would be a little quieter when you metaphorically manhandle our predicament, I must agree with your sentiments

It seems as though you've awoken Jane with all your screaming. Good job, loud mouth.

Suddenly you are joined by a tan mare whose mane and tail are of a creamy, almost white gray in stark contrast to the black hairs you all sport. She seems surprised to see you all here, likely because you're from a different universe, and you're friends are from ANOTHER different universe.

MAYOR: Who are you three, and why are you in the Town Hall?

KARKAT: WHY ARE *YOU* IN THE TOWN HALL!?

JANE: Jeez. Ease off on her, would you? We've only just met her.

KARKAT: AND SHE'S ALREADY ACCUSING US OF NOT BELONGING HERE. ISN'T THAT JUST SWELL?

JOHN: HEY! it's her universe, karkat. she has more right to be here than we do.

KARKAT: OH YEAH? WELL WE *CREATED* HER UNIVERSE, SO THAT'S HOOFBEAST SHIT!

KARKAT: AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED WE PRACTICALLY OWN HER AND EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS DAMN ROCK.

MAYOR: E✗cuse me?

JANE: I really think we've gotten off on the wrong foot with this otherworldly stranger.

KARKAT: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

KARKAT: DON'T YOU MEAN *HOOF*?

JOHN: hehehehehehehehe…

MAYOR: If you don't e✗plain yoursel✓es at once I'll ha✓e you arrested!

JANE: As you can probably tell, we're out-of-towners, so-to-speak. We don't really know where we are, unless the fact that you mentioned this is town hall counts.

JOHN: also, we know this is equestria, because like duuuhhhhhhhh, derpy-derp bleh! but other than that we're basically lost.

KARKAT: TAKE NOTE OF THESE TWO DORKS AND THEIR UNDERSIZED GLASSES.

KARKAT: LET'S JUST SAY THEY USED TO FIT BETTER BEFORE WE WERE CARELESSLY MUTATED TO LOOK A LOT MORE LIKE YOU.

MAYOR: So… how far "out of town" would you say you are from, e✗actly?

KARKAT: HOLY SHIT THAT IS A LONG STORY I DON'T PARTICULARLY DESIRE TO RETELL *YET AGAIN*.

JOHN: i wouldn't mind explaining ALL THE THINGS, but........ could we maybe get a lot of you together first?

JOHN: retelling all of this more than twice seems like a colossal waste of time.

JOHN: well, okay. i guess when i told roxy i only had to catch her up on a ton of the things instead of all of them, and there's some stuff i don't really know all that much about, but i'd still be retelling my part twice.

JANE: You don't even want to know my part of this story.

JANE: Trickster Mode was… unpleasant.

KARKAT: WELL, AS THE ONLY FUCKASS HERE WHO HAD TO PLAY A TWELVE-PLAYER SESSION, I'M GOING TO GO OUT ON A LIMB AND ASSUME NONE OF YOUR DULL TRICKSTER STORIES EVEN APPROACH THE LEVEL OF RETARDATION OF THE TINKERBULL FAIRY DUST FECAL MATTER I HAD TO PUT UP WITH, AND I'M *NOT* TALKING ABOUT IT IN SEMANTIC DETAIL EVER. PERIOD.

MAYOR: I think… I may need to arrange a Town Meeting.

KARKAT: YEAH, YOU DO THAT.

JANE: Good luck, miss. Whoever you are.

MAYOR: Oh, sorry. I forgot my manners. I'm Mayor Mare.

She extends a hoof to you, which you just stare at as John gives her an unexpected hoofbump before Jane gives a vigorous hoofshake. The pranksters have been unleashed on Equestria.

JOHN: egbert… john egbert.

JANE: And I'm Jane Crocker. Mighty nice to be meeting you.

JOHN: and this here is karkrab.

KARKAT: KARKAT VANTAS, FUCKASS.

JOHN: ~ beep beep beep-beep beep beep, meow ♫

KARKAT: UUGGHH……

JANE: Hoo Hoo Hoo!

Oh look, even the Mayor is cracking a smile at your expense. How absolutely wonderful is that? While you sulk, we consider being someone else.

Be some random character. Surprise us again.

Okay, sure. You are now CALLIOPE. What? The ever-loved cherub chick? We really get to be her this early?

Listen, my friend, cause I'm about to stop being meta here: if you've read Homestuck, you deserve to be all the characters worth being.

You are in a forest that you don't know the name of, but you will later learn that it is called the EVERFREE FOREST and that it is filled with several dangers. You will learn of one of these dangers EARLY, as in, RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. You hear some growling coming from the foliage as a TIMBERWOLF hunts you, and as you attempt to retrieve your wand from your strife specibus you register that your wand has had it's magic/bullets imbued into your new horn… er… your central new horn. The wavy sort of zig-zagging horns of your trollsona are now real, and really yours. You seem to have light grey fur similar to your text color sprouting from your green exoskeleton, which has been reshaped into the form of a small hoofbeast. Your central horn is the same color as your exoskeleton, and it has the usual spiral of a unicorn horn, but it also has another spiral path perpendicular to the first, giving the horn a double helix pattern reminiscent of the ☤ symbol over the Space symbol that serves as your Cutie Mark. Your revolver fires a bullet at the timberwolf, which is to say that your double-helix horn fires an actual destructive spell at the creature because a unicorn horn that fires bullets would be stupid. The destructive results are a lot better than they would have been had you actually used a gun, the offensive creature being blown to smithereens.

EQUIUS: D --> E%ceptionally e%ecuted, limeb100d.

Wait, when the hell did Equius peruse your Callie Ohpeee biography?

EQUIUS: D --> The fauna of this forest are quite deadly. I believe caution is in order.

CALLIOPE: thanks, ill keep that in mind.

DAMARA: 私はそれは私のお尻に木製のペニスを持っているようなものだろうか。

EQUIUS: D --> Disgusting. Do you try to make me hate you, rustb100d? Because I would never st00p so low as to pail with the likes of you.

The fur colors of your companions match their blood colors, and their Cutie Marks are predictably their signs over the symbols for their aspects. A few particular details stand out to you. First of all, they still have their troll horns, which is almost as intriguing as the fact that you too have troll horns. Secondly, Equius has no central horn, making him an earth pony, and he is a lot more muscular than either you or Damara. Finally, Damara is a unicorn like yourself, and her "fur" looks more like crystal than any fur you've ever seen, sparkling brilliantly from any sunlight bleeding through the trees. She seems to be a crystal pony.

You jump right back into the conversation that was taking place.

CALLIOPE: what aboUt that vacillating concUpiscent mess between yoU and aradia, eqUiUs? ;U

EQUIUS: D --> That is none of your business, limeb100d!

DAMARA: なぜあなたは私と一緒に、この強力なことができないのですか？

CALLIOPE: i dont know why yoU ever got the impression i give a single fUck aboUt yoUr caste system, becaUse i love all the blood colors for non-perv reasons. yoU wont be bossing me aroUnd jUst becaUse yoUre a blUeblood.

CALLIOPE: yoU did see what i jUst did to that mysterioUs predator, didnt yoU?

EQUIUS: D --> I… I need a towel.

EQUIUS: D --> Forgive me, noble cherub. Oh my.

DAMARA: あなたは意気地のない雌犬だと私は後であなたの頭脳を性交するつもりだ、私はあなたにそれを約束します。

EQUIUS: D --> Watch your language, rustb100d!

Check in with some other motherfucker now.

You are now some other motherfucker, meaning you are, of course, Gamzee Makara. You're a lanky earth pony with the Cutie Mark we've come to expect and the fur color to match. You're hanging with your dancestor and Sollux Captor, the former of which is a sort-of zebra with really dark violet stripes replacing the usual black ones, and the latter of the two is a bicorn pony with the usual pattern of fur color and Cutie Mark. You'd be fairly certain that bicorn ponies with four additional troll horns were nonexistent until you freaks showed up if you had any prior knowledge of Equestria, which you don't. There are a bunch of stands around with really nervous ponies behind them because you and your pals are standing in the middle of the PONYVILLE MARKETPLACE. All the shoppers are avoiding you, and are also too busy staring at you from a safe distance to be shopping anymore.

GAMZEE: FuUuUuUuCk, BrOs.

GAMZEE: ThIs HeRe Is OnE bItChTiTs MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLe.

GAMZEE: I mEaN sHiT.

GAMZEE: wE'vE aLl Up AnD gOt MoThErFuCkInG hOoVeS mAn.

GAMZEE: ThAt Is SoMe MoThErFuCkIn' WiCkEd ShIt RiGhT tHeRe.

SOLLUX: ii'd wager the zahhak2 are getting 0ff on thii2 20mething fiierce.

GAMZEE: HaHaHa! YoU sAiD iT bRo!

KURLOZ: …

GAMZEE: Aw ShIt.

GAMZEE: I bEt YoU cAn'T eVeN aLl Up AnD sIgN wItH mOtHeRfUcKiN' hOoVeS, dAnCeStOr BrO.

SOLLUX: hehe.. 2uck2 for y0u, dude.

SOLLUX: but whatever. no 0ne giive2 two fuck2 ab0ut this.

SOLLUX: why don't we try tw0 talk two the l0cal2 and 2ee iif they're any 2marter than our c0n2ort2 u2ed tw0 be?

GAMZEE: sOuNdS lIkE oNe BiTcH aSs PlAn, MoThErFuCkEr.

SOLLUX: hey ho0fbea2t vendor! d0 you accept b0onbuck2?

CARROTTOP: listen here, jerkoffs

CARROTTOP: I don't care ho\/\/ intimidating _\/ou look, I'll not ha\/e _\/ou insulting m_\/ intelligence

CARROTTOP: that currenc_\/ is ob\/iousl_\/ the fakiest fak_\/ fake balone_\/ an_\/pon_\/ ever tried to pass off as real I mean come the buck on

SOLLUX: uh..

GAMZEE: HaHaHaHaHa! I lIkE yOu, MoThErFuCkEr!

GAMZEE: I'm GaMzEe, ThIs Is SoLlUx, AnD tHaT tHeRe Is My MoThErFuCkIn' DaNcEsToR, KuRlOz.

GAMZEE: WhAt'S aLl Up AnD mOtHeRfUcKiN' bEiN' yOuR nAmE, sIs?

CARROTTOP: Golden Har\/est

CARROTTOP: an_\/pon_\/ telling _\/ou other\/\/ise is a damn liar

Oh look, the townsponies aren't so motherfucking afraid of you anymore. That's one worthy motherfucking miracle right there.

Be in the Bog.

ROXY: jake wat r u doin

ROXY: wake the fuck up jake we got shit 2 do

JADE: i dont know if we should keep bothering him or not :/

JADE: he looks really tired!

You are now Roxy Lalonde with Jade Harley and an unconscious Jake English in Froggy Bottom Bog, and there is mud all over your hooves. This development is totes full of suckitude and you hate it completely, especially since your hooves and the rest of you is all shiny and stuff normally. You seem to be a beautiful crystal pony. Hooray! Jade is a unicorn, which is utterly fabulous, and Jake is just an earth pony.

But God damn is he a sexy earth pony. DAT JAW. The fact that he is snoozing in the mud does nothing to stop this other fact pertaining to sexiness from being true.

Suddenly a hydra's multi-mawed screech wakes the young lad, and worries the fuck out of you.

JAKE: Great jolly dear molly!

JAKE: What sort of malarkey have we managed to fall into today?

JAKE: OH FUCK A HYDRA!

JADE: everyone get your guns!!!

ROXY: totes rockin sister

ROXY: let's fuck this bitch up!

You quickly retrieve your laser rifle from your strife specibus, only for it to fall in the mud next to Jake's golden pistols and Jade's Green Sun Streetsweeper.

JAKE: Oh girls. Might i ask if you have any idea how wed be able to pull triggers without fingers?

ROXY: aw shit we r so boned

JADE: im trying to shrink it with my space powers but its not working! :(

ROXY: wat u mean it's not workin? tell me ur pullin my chain here!

JAKE: Run for the hills ladies! Ill hold it off.

ROXY: no fuck dat shit. jady, teleport us da fuq out

JADE: to where!? i dont know where we are NOW! i could blink us into a tree or another hydras belly!

Now the damn thing is too close and there's no more time to argue. You each re-captchalogue your weapons back into your respective strife specibi, two of you turning tail and running away as quickly as you can. You look over your shoulder to admonish the idiot who stayed behind.

ROXY: jake u DOOF! stay with us dammit!

STRIFE!

ACCEDE

Jake manages to leap out of the paths of all four consecutively striking heads of the hydra, barely having a second for his counter-attack as the first head is about to start again, but that's enough time for him to successfully >AGGRIEVE and deliver a powerful HOPE BUCK! that stuns the creature and throws it several feet backward.

That's when two more hydras decide to show up.

JAKE: Run the bloody hell away! All hope is lost!

You all >ABSCOND the fuck out of there immediately, lass scampers and a lad scramble going for anywhere else.

Be the shy pegasus mare

You are now Fluttershy in the middle of Twilight's birthday party, celebrating her making it through life for another cycle. Well, sort of. You are supposed to be somewhere near the middle of the party, but you're really on the outskirts of it, meaning you are currently standing a few feet away from the front door. You still get socially anxious sometimes, even around your closest friends, and when the conversation turned to the topic of romance you discreetly backed away in embarrassment.

Equestrian romance is extremely complex, because several different cultural views on romance must coexist, especially in the case of ponies who have four separate romantic cultural backgrounds and are constantly mixing the viewpoints together. Another complication for every breed of pony is the ratio of females to males, the former outnumbering the latter five to one. Furthermore, ponies often involve themselves with other Equestrian species, further complicating the issue.

For the sake of review, let's quote some stuff from the MSPA wiki about troll romance before moving on.

"Quadrants are a complicated system of four types of romance. Trolls naturally experience all four types of romance, while humans only experience a single type [matespritship], cherubs experience another [kismesissitude], and carapacians apparently experience at least two of them [the concupiscent pair]…

The four quadrants are:

❧ Matespritship, the flushed quadrant ♥

❧ Moirallegiance, the pale quadrant ♦

❧ Auspisticism, the ashen quadrant ♣

❧ Kismesissitude, the caliginous quadrant ♠

[Matespritship is] The one most like human love/romance, Matesprits have a strong feeling of affection for one another - though troll psychology being what it is, courtship can be just as violent as that between kismeses, and indeed it can flail between one and the other. It is one of the two concupiscent relationships, those that deal with reproduction, the other being kismesissitude. Matespritship is known as the flushed quadrant.

Moirallegiance is a process that occurs between a troll and their "moirail" (also informally known as a palemate). It is a form of guardianship, but it isn't simply about being platonic soul bros forever: see Andrew's comment. They are a protector of their moirail's heart. They keep each other grounded.

A troll is compelled by fate to watch over their moirail and keep them in line. Despite the platonic appearance of this role (as we currently understand it) to us humans, trolls consider it a type of romance. Moirallegiance may also entail pacifying one's partner, like what Nepeta does for Equius and Karkat for Gamzee. Moirallegiance may translate (roughly) to our human concept of "love for siblings", which contains no intent for reproduction.

An auspistice is a "facilitator" of some sort between two others, mediating interactions between them and keeping their relationship functional. Auspisticized pairs include Eridan and Vriska, Spades and Snowman, and Vriska and Tavros, all of whom have been shown to be potentially caliginous to some degree, as the emotions between two auspisticized trolls are similar to those of kismeses but are interfered with by the auspistice. Unlike the other quadrants, ashen feelings have only been shown and have suggested to be only felt by the auspistice and not the two parties in the mediated relationship. It may be permissible for a troll to be involved in more than one ashen triad at a time, according to Karkat's suggestion that he auspisticize between Rose and Kanaya in order for Kanaya to auspisticize between Terezi and Gamzee. This comment may also indicate that there can be auspistices for redrom relationships as well.

Andrew explains that if the mediator does a poor job or is uninterested in keeping the peace, the two might delve into more torrid emotions, as stated above. Without auspistices, widespread black infidelity is guaranteed. It is one of the two conciliatory relationships, those more platonic to humans, the other being moirallegiance.

[True hate] is what a troll feels towards someone known as their kismesis. This is linked to hatred, and it is necessary that both parties feel hatred towards each other. Not any kind of hatred will do, since there is such a thing as platonic hatred amongst trolls (similar to the human concepts of hatred and platonic love).

In other words, kismesissitude seems to be based on a mix of hatred and sexual attraction. As it thrives on a rivalry between two trolls, defeating or killing your kismesis is discouraged, since obviously there wouldn't be a relationship anymore. It is one of the two concupiscent relationships, those that deal with reproduction, the other being matespritship, and it has been shown that like with matespritship kissing is considered an appropriate expression of kismesissitude. Andrew says that the most appropriate human concept that is somewhat synonymous to kismesissitude would be 'potent arch-rivalry'."

-- All that shit was taken from the wiki and is therefore annoyingly meta. What follows is not. Below is an original interpretation of Equestrian romance.

In the case of earth ponies, romance was traditionally mostly a mating ritual, with very little in the way of concern for emotional attachments, but that has changed within the past few centuries. Still, the structure remains relatively the same. An alpha female with a level head and sound reasoning will take the leadership position within a group of other mares and perhaps a stallion or two. Then, if feelings of admiration and adoration formulate for the alpha female in the others, and the alpha female grows to care for her charges a great deal, a romantic herd is formed. In this case it is important for at least one stallion to be present, as the physically stronger sex is charged with laborious but safe tasks and is also required for mating purposes. It is the duty of the alpha female to ensure that males of the herd remain healthy and undamaged for the use of the mares of the herd. Herds that last longer than a month are considered strong enough to lock with an exchange of carefully cultivated flora. The alpha female receives a bouquet of flowers from her charges with all of their coat colors in the bouquet, and in exchange each charge receives a flower of the alpha mare's coat color. In modern times magic is used to preserve these flowers, but originally they were constantly regrown. Additionally, many herds can form, with several individuals belonging to multiple herds at once, and conciliatory or familial herds are just as common as concupiscent ones, but don't involve the flower exchange or the distinction of being a romantic facet of pony culture. Applejack is the alpha mare of a conciliatory herd that includes all the Apples living in Ponyville, as well as yourself and your other four close friends. In these herds, the alpha mare does not consider herself to be a superior, even though she is often very intelligent; she is merely in charge out of situational necessity in many cases, moreso in concupiscent herds than in others.

Pegasi like yourself usually operate differently when it comes to romance. Pegasi have wingmatings, which is like human love and troll matespritship, but with a greater focus on camaraderie. You were never very comfortable with how pegasus cultural has a lot to do with combat, but recently the meaning has shifted to encompass the pursuits of racing prowess and weather controlling skill as well as combat and emergency response aptitude and other professions. Aside from wingmatings, pegasi with a great deal of skill can become battlemistresses and train several protégés, the most worthy of which will likely form romantic and submissive bonds with the teacher for life. This practice is frowned upon by the rest of pony society as it obviously involves a large age gap in the romance. Directly opposed to wingmatings are rivalries, which are quite different from the troll quadrant of kismesissitude. The rivals build a relationship on mutual respect and challenge, dualing each other in many ways to strengthen the rival bond, but rivalries have to have a very special flare to become concupiscent, and having many rivals is exceedingly common. Pegasi also form flocks, originally called fight flocks some three hundred cycles ago. Flocks contain a flight leader and several of her subordinates, the relations between the subordinates and their leader varying between subordinates. Sometimes concupiscent relations form in the most commonly conciliatory flocks, and this circle of subordinates bedding the leader as well as the leader herself are collectively referred to as the inner flock. Subordinates wishing to bed their leader must first offer one of their feathers in fealty, and this tradition usually stands in for the flower exchanging ritual when pegasi join earth pony herds. Rainbow Dash is the leader of a loose and fully conciliatory flock as the head weathermare of Ponyville.

Since pegasus romance often crosses over with gryphon romance, that should also be covered. Gryphon romance is a cross between auspisticism and moirallegance, except that it is concupiscent in nature. The symbol for such a romance is a three-leafed clover ☘, but sometimes two sets of rivals join together, each set of rivals jointly filling the mediator position for the other set, and in this case a four-leafed clover ✥ is used to represent it. The rivals are the focus of the relationship, and will have feelings jams as often as contests. The grayer, contesting and combatitive activities are private, but the mediator sits in on feelings jams to help smooth over harsh feelings. Sexual activities can take place in either circumstance, making threesomes and foursomes jointly as common as couplings, and unlike pegasi gryphons do not form multiple rivalries at once. For this reason, pegasi who associate with gryphons will often think of rivalries as being much more commonly concupiscent than other pegasi, and may even concede to having a mediator or two when forming a rivalry with a gryphon. Gryphons have a relationship type somewhat similar to wingmatings, these called nestmatings. The notable difference is that nestmatings only occur between older gryphons who have given up their days of rivalries, while wingmatings are for the active and young. Gryphons might be convinced to take a pegasus wingmate, but wingmatings do not naturally form between gryphons.

Unicorns are yet another matter entirely. Unicorns are either exceptionally loving, exceptionally controlling, or both, and they have ways of romantically fulfilling either desire. Unlike in the cases of both earth ponies and pegasi, unicorn stallions can wield just as much authority as unicorn mares, a unicorn's social status primarily determined by their magical aptitude. Unicorns usually ignore this when thinking in terms of love, and they seek out a partner to marry and share their life with forever, much like humans are supposed to do, but without as much divorce. Horn rings are ceremonially exchanged at the wedding, but are considered tacky by modern fashionistas and are usually not worn. Since they are mostly ceremonial, horn rings are often exchanged between non-unicorn lovers who have adopted the tradition, despite the visual absurdity. To fulfill the desire to control or be controlled, the former always superseding the latter where possible, unicorns trust in the measure of their abilities. Unicorns with below-average magical skill are naturally submissive to their betters, and exceptionally powerful unicorns will seek out those they can control, claiming them as lessers and doing with them as they please. Controlling more than two lessers at once is uncommon, because if the combined power of the lessers surpasses that of their better, they are exempt from the status of lessers to that particular better and can continue uninterrupted with their own ambitions. Most non-unicorns find the relations of betters and lessers to be appalling, but oddly enough no one seems to protest the practices of alicorns.

Alicorns are typically a mismatched grab-bag of cultural and romantic convergence, and can understand the romantic structures of all other pony races on an instinctual level, but in spite of this they do also have their own romantic inclinations. The idea of subjugating lessers is softened into an ideal of owning and preening servants and protégés, as well as guiding them and creating a stratified internal structure of leadership. This is a combination of earth pony herding, pegasus flock forming, and unicorn lesser seeking referred to as harem building. There are only four alicorns in existence at the moment, and they would theoretically form their harems from other Equestrian races, but only two of them have managed to form harems, those two being Celestia and Luna. Cadance chose to marry Shining Armor and ignore the tradition of harem building. In the case of Twilight Sparkle, three cycles ago she mentioned that she was thinking about building a harem, with the obvious implication being that she wanted to start it with you and the other Elements of Harmony. You all sort of refused by pretending not to get the hint and she dropped the subject. It has yet to negatively affect your friendship.

Zebra romance is all together too confusing for anyone to understand. Apparently it's all about interpreting the fates and following the wills of the spirits of wilderness and nature. You secretly believe they just sleep around and disguise it as mysticism.

Buffalo romance is a strange cross between earth pony herds and gryphon rivalries called stampedes, but with an alpha male taking the place of the alpha female. Female buffalo are used by the males in the same way male ponies are used by mares in earth pony herds, and they are just as complacent about it. A group of beta males form a polygamous rivalry and often dual to determine who has the right to challenge the alpha at the next opportunity. Unlike with earth pony herds, a buffalo may only be affiliated with one stampede at any given time.

Dragon romance is it's own strangeness, dragons flying together during their mating season, which occurs every few hundred cycles. Female dragons will commence mating flights near the meeting place, and males will compete to catch her first when she ceases her show to put on speed. This process is essential, as female dragons are as uncommon as male ponies. The pairs that result from these contests will mate to produce clutches of eggs, and then the females will be left to prepare the hatchlings for the coming solitude. Outside the mating season, dragons fulfill their romantic needs by acquiring willing servants from lesser species to groom and pamper them. In return, these servants live without worry, and with access to the dragon's treasure horde.

Donkey romance is much simpler than that of other Equestrian races, and they simply seek out a life-partner whom they find more endearing than themselves or anyone else. After several dates to determine the viability of a relationship, donkeys will mate for life, and it is as simple as that. Other species avoid relationships with donkeys in most cases because donkeys rarely, if ever compromise on their mating inclinations. To mate with a donkey is to forsake all other forms of romance outside their simplistic world view.

GET ON WITH IT ALREADY‼

PINKIE: WE DON'T CARE ABOUT THE ROMANCE EXPOSITION! GET TO THE PART WHERE WE MEET SOME HOMESTUCKS ALREADY!

FLUTTERSHY: pinkie, um that is, if you don't mind the question, uh, what exactly are you talking about?

PINKIE: just look up fluttershy, okay?

FLUTTERSHY: well alright, if you say s-- EEP!

Holy Solar Radiation! A pony with weird horns and an aquatic tail-fin just fell to the ground from one of the branches of the tree that contains the Golden Oaks library.

Spite Pinkie. Be somewhere else.

She's not going to be too happy about this when we get back. Oh well, moving on. You are now standing in a strange grove, staring at Meenah's 2x3dent as it just lays there on the ground, doing nothing and generally not being very interesting. You make known your thoughts on the matter.

DAVE: dude

DAVE: i dont think you can use it without hands

DAVE: kind of like my sword

MEENAH: i get it strider

DAVE: kind of like how i already figured out this wouldnt work for my sword or your trident

DAVE: and kind of like how i fucking told you so

MEENAH: yeah you were right

MEENAH: big glubbin whale

DAVE: what no come on

DAVE: dont stretch it like that just because it rhymes

DAVE: come on meenah youre better than this

MEENAH: D-EAL

MEENAH: D-EAL D-EAL D-E-EL

MEENAH: wait…

MEENAH: big glubbin eel

MEENAH: there we go much baiter

KANKRI: Ugh…

MEENAH: ah shell no kankri is wakin up

Your fur color matches your red text color because you are obviously Dave Strider and are equally obviously a pegasus. You know, because you fly through time. It all makes plenty of sense to you. Meenah seems to possess wings that are significantly bigger than yours, and she's taller, and she has a horn, but you aren't really bothered by that. You're way too cool to be bothered by that. You also aren't bothered by Kankri's foreign appearance, but you will admit you find it a bit outlandish, even by the standards of present company. He looks almost like a sort of camel or something. Anyway, Meenah flits her badass looking tailfin and recaptchalogues her trident while Kankri finally pulls his ass off the ground.

KANKRI: What happened, and why d9n't I have my pants anymore?

MEENAH: boats me vantas

MEENAH: its a mystery to end all mysteries

MEENAH: reel-ee and tuna-truly

DAVE: you reely need to work on those fish puns miss blubberbutt batterwitch sea princess

You could tell that that time she was doing a bad job of it on purpose just to get on your nerves, but you can turn it around by just pretending you didn't notice.

MEENAH: thats -EMPR-ESS to you you STUPID COD

KANKRI: Will y9u tw9 st9p triggering each 9ther f9r a Mother Grub damned sec9nd!

MEENAH: T)(-E FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO M---E

KANKRI: 6e quiet! I hear s9mething.

You hear it too. Shuffling and yawning sounds all around you. You decide to examine this grove a bit more closely through the sunglasses that no longer fit your muzzle properly, discovering a large quantity of young VAMPIRIC JACKALOPES crawling out of their burrows to investigate your presence. They don't look happy to see you.

STRIFE!

AGGRIEVE

You fly to intercept a jackalope leaping at Meenah, knocking it to the ground and beating its head into a pulp against the ground. She twists around and crushes another one with her tailfin, Kankri >ABJURING five of the little monsters at once, camel!kicking them off of his weird, Saddle Arabian looking ass.

Then the adults show up.

DAVE: shit

DAVE: ABSCOND!

KANKRI: A6SC9ND!

MEENAH: ABSCOD

ABSCOND

You abscond the fuck out of there as quickly as you can, only to run into a gray pegasus mare after only a few feet.

DERPY: hi there! I brought you a letter!

DERPY: wait… 9_6

DERPY: I 9i9n't ex6ect to actually fin9 you here!

DERPY: when 6inkie tol9 me to bring a letter to some6ony in the mi99le of the jackalo6e bree9ing grove I thought she'9 lost her min9, honestly!

DAVE: dude, just give me the fucking letter already

DAVE: we were trying to abscond here

KANKRI: Excuse me Dave, 6ut I d9n't think it's appr9priate f9r y9u t9 6e a6rassive t9ward--

MEENAH: W-E DO NOT )(AV-E TIM-E FOR T)(IS STUPID S)(IT VANTAS

MEENAH: JUST GIV-E US T)(-E DAMN L-ETT-ER LADY

DERPY: it's a99resse9 to 9ave Stri9er!

DAVE: that would be me

DERPY: here you go!

Dave: Read the letter.

Do you remember when the other me told you I didn't know about you guys? Yeah, she was pranking you. About your shitty swords, and how to use them with hooves…

Don't think about it

You equip your trusty sword, Caledfwlch, and manage not to think about the fact that it is completely impossible to do what you are about to do.

MEENAH: dave

MEENAH: how the glub are you holdin that

MEENAH: dave

MEENAH: throw me a line dave im reely fuckin confused here

STRIFE ANEW!

AGGRESS

You aren't as accustomed to your enemies bleeding real blood as you are to them simply exploding into ink and grist, but you've killed before. It doesn't bother you as much as it probably should. You inevitably find yourself fighting beside yourself, and use your time powers to make that have happened in the first place. Through the creation of stable time-loops you manage to take on the entire swarm at once in only five minutes from everyone else's perspective. From your perspective that fight lasted over an hour, and you're already sick and tired of time jumps all over again.

MEENAH: that was glubbin AW-ESOM-E

DAVE: i aim to please

KANKRI: C9uld we just leave the 6l99d 6ehind n9w? I'm sure we can think 9f an 96jective t9 keep us 6usy.

MEENAH: what you mean like findin the others

DERPY: that soun9s like a great i9ea!

DAVE: wow youre still here?

DERPY: why woul9n't I be‽

DAVE: touché

DERPY: we coul9 start by checking 6onyville if you want! I know the way back!

MEENAH: shore sounds good to me

DERPY: okay! I 9on't want to offen9 any6ony so why 9on't we exchange trigger information‽

KANKRI: …

KANKRI: I think I'm g9ing t9 like it here.

Derpy is great but it is time to write for the mane6 again

Apparently you are now Pinkie Pie. You've been waiting for over 9000 words for this fanfic to FINALLY get to this part. Before you stands a ruffled Eridan Ampora, whose descent initially startled poor Fluttershy. You decide it's time to pretend you can't break the fourth wall so you can have the pleasure of being surprised by all the cool stuff this trony has to say.

By the way, "trony" is a term for a troll pony. You know this ahead of people who aren't you.

PINKIE: TWILIGHT‼

PINKIE: WEIRD ALIEN OUTSIDE‼

ERIDAN: wwho you callin wweird you glubbin fuck

RAINBOW: alien? this i gotta see

Now all of your friends have assembled outside, gaping in befuddlement at the alien you mentioned, as well as the two other aliens who joined him just now. These aliens were randomly transportalized to various locations in and around Equestria, and most notably they happen to have materialized in locations of particular significance to you and your friends. The unicorn with a tailfin is now accompanied by a muscular but limber orange earth pony and a strangely luminescent pony who is so obviously a vampire like come on.

RARITY: ♦ My GOODNESS. They certainly look FOREIGN enough to be ALIENS. ◊

APPLEBLOOM: How in tarnation is she a-glowin like that?

Oh wow! For a second there you almost forgot that the Crusaders were here. Actually, you honestly did forget. You can be very forgetful sometimes, what with all the otherworldly thoughts racing through your mind.

KANAYA: That Is A Rather Simple Matter Really

KANAYA: But Before I Explain It In Detail Might We Become Acquainted On A Named Basis

KANAYA: My Name Is Kanaya Maryam

KANAYA: This Asshole Is Eridan Ampora

ERIDAN: fuck you kan

KANAYA: And The Cool One Is Dirk Strider

DIRK: Why the fuck are ponies real?

SPIKE: That's weird.

SPIKE: For a second there I thought you were asking if your own species exists.

DIRK: No fucking way. This was supposed to just be a TV show.

DIRK: Don't tell me that My Little Pony was just some weird byproduct of paradox space, and that we are now a part of the universe that caused the show to have existed in the universe that created it.

DIRK: Because all of that is too good to be true.

PINKIE: IT IS TRUE!

PINKIE: YOU UNDERSTAND ALL OF THE THINGS DIRK!

PINKIE: NOWWECANBEGENRESAVVYTOGETHERANDCONFUSEEVERYPONYELSE!

ERIDAN: wwhat the shit take a breath wwhy dont you

DIRK: Fuck yes, Pinkie. Let's confuzzle everyone up in this bitch.

FLUTTERSHY: uhm… w-what's going on?

KANAYA: I Am Completely Confuzzled

SWEETIE: WHAT even IS this?

DIRK: Everypony calm down at once, and start coming to terms with the fact that I will know a lot about how Equestria works for no apparent reason, and Pinkie here will know even more about my posse and I.

DIRK: That's just the way things are.

SWEETIE: OKAY?

SCOOTALOO: these aliens are proving to be radically weird already!

SCOOTALOO: im SCOOTALOO!

APPLEBLOOM: Ah'm APPLEBLOOM!

SWEETIE: and I'M Sweetie Belle, AND together WE are…

CMC: THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS‼‼‼

PINKIE: HIIMPINKIEPIEANDWELCOMETOEQUESTRIAWOOHOO!

FLUTTERSHY: my name is, um… fl-fluttershy…

RAINBOW: youre lookin at RAINBOW DANGER DASH

RAINBOW: WAHBAM!

APPLEJACK: Ya'll can call me Applejack. Ah reckon it's always nice to be meetin new folks.

RARITY: ♦ Rarity Belle, owner and proprietor of the Carousel Boutique. ◊

RARITY: ♦ Nice to meet you, darlings. ◊

TWILIGHT: ✨ This… this DEMANDS further study. ✶

TWILIGHT: ✨ Twilight Sparkle--

PINKIE: PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE!

TWILIGHT: ✨ Right, Princess--

ERIDAN: i am not impressed by that at all

ERIDAN: i wwas moirails wwith the fuckin heiress to empresshood

KANAYA: wwas Being The Key Word There

DIRK: I know you're a desperate douche-muffin, but could you try not to hate-flirt with the ponies right off the bat there? Spike hasn't even gotten to introduce himself yet.

SPIKE: Why should I? You already seem to know who I am.

PINKIE: Because, Spike, you are SUPPOSED TO!

SPIKE: Nah, I'm not feeling it.

SPIKE: What I will do is point out that Twilight here is the Princess of Magic. ALL magic.

SPIKE: She's kind of a big deal.

KANAYA: Magic You Say

KANAYA: That Is Most Intriguing

KANAYA: Might I Seek An Extended Audience With Her Highness To Discuss Topics Of A Magical Nature

KANAYA: I Would Very Much Like To Become A Better Sylph

Pinkie: Be Twilight Sparkle again.

Despite the fact that you have come full circle and are currently being the alicorn mare of all Magic and Friendship again, you know that you have a long way to go on account of all the characters whose whereabouts we still aren't privy to. Time to settle in for more.

You are practically bursting at the seems with all the questions coursing through your mind at this point. "hate-flirting"? "Sylph"? Triangular sunglasses that don't fit? EXTRA ORANGE GRADIATED HORNS? You've got to sit these strangers down and get some answers, and luckily for you the cutest of them seems to want to talk to you already.

Cute? You don't remember thinking that. Actually you do, but that's because your memory is a dirty liar.

The rude one, Eridan by name, is certainly adorable despite his abrasiveness. That or you're just lonely, or both. Why couldn't your friends just join your harem? Don't they know you love them so much that you REALLY want to sort-of own them a little?

Wait… what were you thinking about? Oh yeah, alien weirdness.

TWILIGHT: ✨ Why don't you ALL come in and have some punch? ✶

TWILIGHT: ✨ We were having a private party before you arrived, but now… ✶

TWILIGHT: ✨ I think we can afford to entertain some foreign guests. ✶

PINKIE: IT'S PRINCESS TWILIGHT'S WRIGGLING DAY!

TWILIGHT: ✨ Wriggling? What…? ✶

KANAYA: Oh Really

KANAYA: What Sort Of Time Measurement Do You Use For That Standard

PINKIE: EQUESTRIAN CYCLES!

KANAYA: And How Does That Equivilate To Alternian Solar Sweeps

PINKIE: reiterating stuff from narration is so booooooooooriiiiing. figure it out yourself.

KANAYA: Uhm

DIRK: You'll get used to her.

ERIDAN: i doubt i wwill

RAINBOW: yeah, pinkies mood swings are weird

RAINBOW: but who cares about this

RAINBOW: lets stop talking about it

RAINBOW: now get inside so we can PARTY!

PINKIE: YEAH!

FLUTTERSHY: ~yay~

TWILIGHT: ✨ Alien visitors in MY library… ✶

TWILIGHT: ✨ Oh this is so EXCITING! ✶

SPIKE: (Yeah I bet you think so.)

APPLEBLOOM: Anypony else get the feelin that things are just gonna get even weirder from here?

Equius: Discover the Castle of the Two Sisters

You cannot BELIEVE these stupid WOODEN BARKBEASTS won't STAY OBLITERATED. Everytime Damara dismembers them or Calliope explodes them or you STRONG CRACK them like twigs, a bunch of green smoke causes the dreaded TIMBERWOLVES to be reassembled. Why such things would even NEED to hunt is beyond you. At least they seem afraid to approach the area around this castle for some reason. Suddenly, you don't think being here is such a good idea, but actually going inside seems an even worse idea. You'd hate to be some poor sucker who woke up already within the ancient stone walls.

Equius: Be some poor sucker who woke up already within the ancient stone walls.

You are now MITUNA CAPTOR, a troll often plagued by mental problems after KURLOZ DID SOMETHING TO YOU, but now you have a new brain for your personality to exist in. This transmutation into a bicorn pony has undone what Kurloz did, and you will never allow your mind to be tainted again.

You are in a dark room, and since your visor no longer fits and wouldn't accommodate your new horns anyway you can't use its night vision mode to your advantage. Therefore, you are stumbling around in the dark, searching for your companions… any of your companions.

MITUNA: H3LL0

MITUNA: 15 4NY80DY 3L53 H3R3

PORRIM: Mituna?

PORRIM: Do+n't try to+ fo+llo+w my vo+ice, there's to+o+ much echo+ing happening here.

PORRIM: Try to+ find the light o+f my… uh… fur, I guess. I'm the o+nly so+urce o+f light in these dungeo+ns.

TAVROS: sHOULD i, uH,,, fOLLOW THAT LIGHT, uM, aLSO?

PORRIM: O+f co+urse, yo+u idio+t!

MITUNA: 1 F0UND 7H3 L1GH7 4ND 1'M 0N MY W4Y

You can see a sliver of light on the far wall, and once you stumble to it you can see that the source of the reflection is casting her light from a few more bends away. You take several turns and find yourself in the presence of Porrim Maryam and Tavros Nitram. The three of you are in a large hall with many cells, some barred off and others with their doors open wide. None of the keys to the empty rooms are in sight, and you're glad you didn't end up inside one of them.

PORRIM: There's a staircase at the far end o+f this hall.

PORRIM: I say we find o+ut where it go+es.

TAVROS: wE DON'T REALLY, hAVE MUCH OF, uH, a CHOICE, dO WE?

TAVROS: i DEFINITELY WON'T LIKE, uHM,,, sTAYING DOWN HERE,,,

MITUNA: 7H3N 17'5 D3C1D3D

MITUNA: L37'5 G37 7H3 FUCK 0U7 0F H3R3

Mituna: Be someone who is already 7H3 FUCK 0U7 0F that part of the castle

You are now your matesprit 7H3 FUCK 0U7 0F the castle dungeons, which is to say that you are Latula Pyrope in the library of the Castle of the Two Sisters. You are currently standing next to Davesprite (who is reading ironically) while you watch Vriska Serket (who is reading despondently) from a distance. You whisper to the half-pony ghost thing floating nearby about the other amongst you with wings.

LATULA: (shouldn't w3 try to conv1nc3 h3r to l34v3 th3 l1br4ry b3h1nd on3 mor3 t1m3?)

DAVESPRITE: no

Davesprite is not bothering to whisper and Vriska can probably hear him. This annoys you greatly.

LATULA: (com3 on! th1s pl4c3 1s so unr4d)

LATULA: (4ll th3 p4g3s 1n th3s3 b00ks 4r3 f4d3d 4nd stuff)

DAVESPRITE: you wouldnt know, since you arent reading any of them

VRISKA: *siiiiiiiigh*

VRISKA: She's right, though. This is a complete waste of time!

Suddenly miss Serket slams shut the book she was attempting to read, a heavily faded tome entitled "The Benign Treacheries of Scorpan", and she follows this action with a huff of annoyance.

VRISKA: I can't 8ELIEVE I thought this would 8e a good idea! Without a proper frame of reference these 8ooks are total ji88erish.

LATULA: do3s th1s m34n w3 c4n f1nd out wh3r3 th4t st41rc4s3 l34ds down to now?

VRISKA: Yeah, I guess so. Come on.

And now for something completely different…

Dear Fellow Princesses,

I have encountered visitors from another multiple other universes. They tell me it is quite likely that the rest of their party, numbering 35.0, is scattered around Equestria with no foreknowledge of our customs nor the dangers of our world. They don't have any particularly vicious intentions, but I am told they can be extremely aggressive even toward their closest friends, especially the ones with orange horns, so don't take their banter the wrong way. Still, they are dangerous and powerful, so try not to get them angry. If you find any of them, please let me know as soon as possible and send them to Friendship Castle to reunite with their friends. Once they are all together we can discuss their situation in more depth.

With love,

Twilight Sparkle

P.S. I cannot stress enough how important it is that you avoid pissing them off.

P.P.S. I Would Just Like To Add That Princess Sparkle Is Right To Stress That Pissing Us Off Is A Bad Idea As Some Of Us Are Real Douchebags

P.P.P.S. Hi, Spike here. Just between you three and me, I'd like to point out that we've already got the doucheiest bag present and accounted for. Eridan is practically the king of ALL douchebags. All of them.

Cadance: Finish reading the letter and return your attention to the miscreants in your castle.

CADANCE: ❥ According to this letter I should <3e most concerned a<3out you two♥ though♥ that doesn't make the most sense to me♥ ❤

CALIBORN: THEY JuST FORGOT TO MENTION IN THAT. FuCKING *STuPID* LETTER. THAT I AM MORE DANGEROuS. THAN ALL OF THEM PuT TOGETHER. tumut

FEFERI: Yea)(, or, you know, NOT, since we forked future you's )(ollow chest.

ARANEA: Fucking moron.

CADANCE: ❥ Don't you worry, girls♥ I know he isn't very trustworthy♥ ❤

CADANCE: ❥ I have a sense for these sorts of things♥ ❤

FEFERI: H-EH-EH-E! glub glub glub! 38D

CADANCE: ❥ I wonder how Twilight will react to one of you <3eing an alicorn with a tailfin♥ ❤

ARANEA: If convention holds I would assume that there are four of us with tailfins, and two of that number should 8e "alicorns" also.

ARANEA: Only one Peixes is with us here, 8ut I would assume that Sha88ith-Ka facilit8ed the arrival of our entire company in Equestria, and in that case Meenah will 8e running rampant somewhere.

Meenah: Be running rampant somewhere.

Derpy and Kankri just keep blathering back and forth about totally boring shit, like how people make fun of Derpy's eyes or discriminate based on blood color, and you just can't take it anymore.

MEENAH: kelp me dave

MEENAH: youre my only hope

DAVE: sorry sexy fish bitch

DAVE: there is nothing i can do

DAVE: youre just stone cold doomed and thats really all there is to say on the matter

MEENAH: AAARRRGH!!! FUCK!

Cadance: Stop being Meenah Peixes

You are now yourself again. Congratulations.

CADANCE: ❥ There's nothing I can do a<3out Meenah Peixes's stunning "not here" attri<3ute♥ <3ut I can accompany the three of you to the Castle of Friendship♥ ❤

CADANCE: ❥ I think Shining Armor can take care of the Empire while I am away♥ ❤

FEFERI: O)( MY GLUB! YOU'R---E AN ------EMPR------ESS?

CADANCE: ❥ I am♥ technically♥ an Empress♥ <3ut I'm also a Princess❣ ❤

CADANCE: ❥ How impressed are you now♥ ❤

CALIBORN: *LESS*.

CALIBORN: (STuPID CuNT.)

ARANEA: I'm mostly just confused. Aren't princesses lower on the royal hierarchy than Empresses?

CADANCE: ❥ I'm a Princess with a capital P♥ ❤

CALIBORN: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

CADANCE: ❥ Wow♥ you really aren't from Equestria♥ nor anywhere close to it either♥ ❤

CADANCE: ❥ The title of Princess is reserved for immortal alicorn mares who have such a<3solute and total mastery over a particular ancient magic that they might as well <3E that magic themselves♥ ❤

CADANCE: ❥ There are only four of us in existence♥ ❤

CADANCE: ❥ I'm the Princess of Love and Crystal♥ Celestia is the Princess of the Sun and the Day♥ Luna is the Princess of the Moon and the Night and the Stars and Dreams♥ and my sister-in-law♥ Twilight Sparkle♥ is the Princess of the most ancient of root magics♥ Harmony and Friendship♥ as well as Magic itself♥ ❤

CADANCE: ❥ We are <3asically the <3iggest deals ever♥ ❤

CADANCE: ❥ Of all time♥ ❤

ARANEA: ........

ARANEA: Tell me more!

CADANCE: ❥ How a<3out I do that after all of your friends meet us at Friendship Castle♥ Flash Sentry♥ ❤

FLASH: /Yes, Princess?/

CADANCE: ❥ Please tell your captain why I must leave him now♥ and inform him that he is in full command in my a<3sence♥ ❤

FLASH: /Right away, Princess!/

FEFERI: O)( my glub, this is going to be so much FUN! )(e)(e…

Celestia: Finish reading Twilight's letter and address the miscreants who appearified in Day Court

When these three poofed into existence a few feet in front of your thrown you immediately dismissed all of the obnoxious nobles, and now that you've read Twilight's letter you are all the more certain that that move was a good idea. Two of them are unicorns and the other an earth pony, but you can't underestimate them. The earth pony and one of the unicorns each have the orange horns Twilight warned about. The other speaks first… again.

ROSE: A magical letter delivery system? Interesting.

CELESTIA: ☀ Yes, Twilight's dragon assistant Spike has many talents, and even though my fellow Princess knows the sending spell she allows him to continue sending her letters for her; thus, the green smoke. ☼

HORUSS: 8=D < Forgive me for asking, your Horseness, but if you are a Princess where is the Queen?

CELESTIA: ☀ You have much to learn of Equestria, dear ignorant foreigner. ☼

You then proceed to explain some things to the ignorant foreigners that we just read, albeit a little less self-indulgently. They all look rather impressed, particularly Rose Lalonde.

ROSE: Well, remind me often not to piss any of you off.

CELESTIA: ☀ Funny… That's what Twilight warned me not to do to any of you. ☼

NEPETA: :33 < *ac thinks that purrobably has something to do with the game we played together*

NEPETA: :33 < some of us got some furry cool pawers furom it

HORUSS: 8=D < I apologize profusely for my vulgar disrespect earlier, your Horseness.

HORUSS: 8=D < Had I any idea how much greater than myself you were…

HORUSS: 8=D < Forgive me.

While Horuss debases himself before you by pressing his face to the floor, his companions facehoof, hard. You aren't sure if you trust them yet, but you do find their antics hilarious, and they manage to bring a small smile to your serene face.

CELESTIA: ☀ Rise My Little Pony, it is quite alright. ☼

CELESTIA: ☀ I will send Twilight a letter in response, and then we shall awaken my Sister and take the train to Ponyville. ☼

NEPETA: :33 < *ac pawnders if ponyville is the town with furrriendship castle in it*

ROSE: Of course it isn't. I'm sure the Princess plans to take us to our destination by going around the globe in the opposite direction.

HORUSS: 8=D < I don't think you should be pranceticing your human sarcasm in front of the Princess, miss Lalonde.

ROSE: It's pony sarcasm now, Zahhak.

Celestia: Be your sister.

You are now PRINCESS LUNA, and you are asleep in your bedchambers. Alicorns don't require as much sleep as other ponies, but you've been staying up for several 24-hour periods lately and the time for Day Court is the perfect frame of time for the Princess of the Night to nap in.

Too bad you aren't alone, and you'll likely be accidentally woken soon. You keep your bedchambers shrouded in utter darkness while you're sleeping, so Meulin Leijon and Cronus Ampora can't see a damn thing. When Cronus trips over you, Meulin would begin to question if he is alright, and deaf girls never know how loudly they are yelling. Fortunately for you, the deaf girl does not see him trip, and so is silent. She can't even read lips in this darkness. Your awakening, whilst jarring, is a lot quieter than it could have been.

CRONUS: OOF!

CRONUS: wvho fucking goes there dammit?

LUNA: ☾ Silen☾e, my ☾hild. You have interrupted a perfe☾tly good nap. ☽

CRONUS: oh… hello sexy.

LUNA: ☾ Ex☾use me? ☽

CRONUS: your vwoice… its beautiful.

LUNA: ☾ Oh… well thank you for the ☾ompliment, my subje☾t, but why have you ☾ome into my bed☾hambers? ☽

CRONUS: i didnt really havwe a choice.

CRONUS: wve wvere all just dumped here against our wvill by this douchebag named shabbith-ka.

LUNA: ☾ …There are more of you here? ☽

CRONUS: probably.

You are starting to freak the fuck out over here. The declaration that your room is "probably" filled with strangers gets your royal plot awake and you quickly relight the room, removing the shroud of darkness.

Ah… there's only two of them. That's not so bad, you guess.

CRONUS: oh fuck, i guess the others got tranportalized somewvhere else.

MEULIN: (=^..^)/ < YES, THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING TOO. PURRHAPS THEY CAN BE FOUND NEARBY.

LUNA: ☾ Then per☾han☾e we should sear☾h for thine ☾ompanions. ☽

MEULIN: (=^•^=)/ < THAT WOULD BE FURRY HELPFUL OF YOU, THANKS!

LUNA: ☾ Right after we read this letter we just noti☾ed. ☽

LUNA: ☾ … ☽

LUNA: ☾ Stop reading over my shoulder. ☽

CRONUS: but you just said wve--

LUNA: ☾ NEVERMIND THAT‼ ☽

Moments after you finish your response letter you lead your new "FURIENDS" out into the halls and make for your Sister's thrown, only to run into her and her own party of strangers on the way. Before you can properly great each other you are interrupted by two solar guards.

GENERICGUARD413: Your majesties!

GENERICGUARD413: We found these miscreants within the royal vaults!

GENERICGUARD612: What shall we do with them, your highnesses?

CELESTIA: ☀ That's quite alright. I believe I know why they were there. ☼

LUNA: ☾ We ☾ommand you to release them at on☾e! ☽

GENERICGUARD612: Yes, your majesty!

GENERICGUARD413: Apologies, your majesty!

TEREZI: 1 C4NT B3L31V3 TH4T B4ST4RD SH4BB1TH-K4 M4D3 M3 COMM1T 4 CR1M3

TEREZI: 1 4M GO1NG TO WR1NG H1S STUP1D N3CK TH3 N3XT T1M3 1 S33 HIM

ARADIA: it could've been much worse, Terezi, so cheer up, okay?

ARADIA: i didn't go into fast forward mode so we could still talk

ARADIA: wasn't that fun?

RUFIOH: and damn was that some n1ce qual1ty bond1ng t1me or what?

RUFIOH: l1ke 1t was some really 1mportant stuff that any meta th1rd party should def1n1tely know all the deta1ls of… for sure.

ARADIA: well i personally wouldn't go that far

TEREZI: 1M NOT B1TCH1NG 4BOUT B31NG STUCK 1N TH3R3

TEREZI: 1M B1TCH1NG 4BOUT TH4T RUD3 4S FUCK OUT3R GOD

TEREZI: 1 PL4TON1C4LLY H4T3 TH4T GUY >:[

ROSE: There's no use trying to fight him even if we do see him again. Struggles against such beings are always fruitless.

ROSE: But let's change the subject.

ROSE: Did you know these stunning alicorns have control over the celestial bodies in their cosmos?

TEREZI: YOU M34N TH3 COSMOS W3 M4D3?

TEREZI: TH4TS PR3TTY COOL 4CTU4LLY

RUFIOH: wow… these babes are l1terally stellar.

CRONUS: i knowv right?

CRONUS: its fucking awesome.

HORUSS: 8=D < I think we should trot to the train station now.

HORUSS: 8=D < It would benefit us to be punctual, I think.

CELESTIA: ☀ It most certainly would, Horuss. ☼

LUNA: ☾ Then let us make haste to Friendship ☾astle! ☽

TEREZI: *SN1FF SN1FF*

TEREZI: 4R3 YOU S331NG WH4T 1M SM3LL1NG?

ARADIA: cronus

ARADIA: do you have a tailfin?

CRONUS: yes.

CRONUS: yes i do.

NEPETA: :33 < *ac thinks that is wonderful*

Luna: Be Twilight Sparkle.

DIRK: 89 times 6 point 12.

TWILIGHT: ✨ 544.68 ✶

DIRK: Log base 7 of 214.

TWILIGHT: ✨ 2.757566179 rounded. ✶

DIRK: Holy fucking shit.

TWILIGHT: ✨ Wait, how do you know I'm right? ✶

DIRK: I'm pretty good at mental math myself.

TWILIGHT: ✨ Oh really? ✶

TWILIGHT: ✨ Natural log of pi. ✶

DIRK: 1 point 144729886 continuous irrational number.

TWILIGHT: ✨ (8x + 5y) * (2x - 4z) / 42 * 3.57 ✶

DIRK: Positive 16x squared plus 10xy minus 32xz minus 20yz all over 149 point 94

TWILIGHT: ✨ Holy booking tomes! ✶

RAINBOW: nerd alert!

RAINBOW: everypony cover your vulnerable ears

PINKIE: ITHOUGHTITWASSUPERCOOL!

FLUTTERSHY: whose tit is cool?

SPIKE: *BELCH X3*

Twilight: Read response letters.

Dearest Twilight,

You were right to recommend caution, but luckily the visitors who interrupted Day Court against their will spared me any strife. I think you'll like Rose Lalonde. She is quite the intelligent Little Pony from what I have heard. Horuss Zahhak is disturbingly deferential, but at the very least he lacks the shallow insincerity of most of the nobles. Honestly I couldn't tell you what to think of Nepeta. You'll have to judge this cat girl for yourself. I'm still cautious, as their allusions to having made our universe are fanciful and all together disconcerting if true.

Yours Truly,

Celestia

To my most cherished Sister♥

I think I've found a few of those aliens you mentioned♥ I know you think they're dangerous♥ and that you're right a<3out that♥ and that one of these three is really a<3rasive… and has an exoskeleton♥ but I'm certain that you'll enjoy the pleasant surprises I'm <3ringing you♥ Just ignore Cali<3orn♥ Feferi and Aranea are great❣

With Eternal Love♥

Cadance

To our greatest Friend,

We have dis☾overed two of the mis☾reants in our bed☾hambers, but from what we have gathered they did not invade our royal spa☾e of their own volition. ☾ronus seems ☾urious about us, and he is stating at this very moment that the way we write is arousing to him, only in unne☾essarily flowery terms as if we would be triggered by anything more vulgar. He has mu☾h to learn about us. His ☾ompanion is loud, but this is understandable due to her deafness. Take note of that disability, as it may be important during our intera☾tions with her.

From the Night to the Dusk,

Luna

There is a loud crash followed by curt knocks on the library door. Rarity states that she'll get it, darlings! The next thing you know Derpy Hooves, Mayor Mare, and Carrottop are standing outside the Golden Oaks library with nine of the aliens behind them.

MAYOR: I think we need to arrange a Town Meeting about this.

CARROTTOP: seconded

DERPY: thir9e9e9!

JOHN: LOOK JANE! MORE PONIES!

JANE: HOO HOO HOO!

GAMZEE: ThEy'Re AlL a BuNcH oF mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClEs, BrO.

KARKAT: WILL YOU THREE *PLEASE* SHUT THE FUCK UP?

DAVE: whats the matter bro

DAVE: you having a bad time

SOLLUX: yeah kk. hehe.. are y0u not doiing 20 go0d there?

KARKAT: FUCK YOU GUYS!

MEENAH: aw poor vantas

MEENAH: do you want a pill of chill or somefin

CARROTTOP: cut him a break girl

KARKAT: THANK YOU.

CARROTTOP: he seems insecure to the point of disabilit_\/

CARROTTOP: teasing such a despondent soul seems borderline illegal

KARKAT: AAAAAARRRRRRGH‼‼‼

DIRK: Fuck's sake, dude.

DIRK: Calm down.

KANAYA: Try Not To Give Yourself An Aneurysm Karkat

CARROTTOP: beep beep

FLUTTERSHY: ~meow~

JOHN: oh my god…

JANE: It's beautiful.

RARITY: ♦ Ugh! Such uncouth banter. ◊

RAINBOW: are you kidding

RAINBOW: this is hilarious

RARITY: ♦ Well I happen to find it BARBARIC. ◊

TWILIGHT: ✨ Oh calm your bookmarks, Rarity; it's all in good humor. ✶

TWILIGHT: ✨ Now everypony book it to the castle! There's not enough room for all of us here. ✶

CMC: CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS TOWN MEETING ATTENDEES‼‼‼ YAY!!!!!!

APPLEJACK: Now ya'll gotta stay on yer best behavior with them aliens, ya hear?

APPLEBLOOM: Loud and clear, Sis!

KANKRI: This place… is FUCKING AMAZING!

DERPY: Kankri… 9_6

DERPY: 9i9 you just curse‽

KANKRI: Yes, and I'm s9rry, 6ut there was n9 9ther way t9 express my 69undless excitement.

PINKIE: YOUHAVEBOUNDLESSEXCITEMENTTOO‽

TWILIGHT: ✨ This way, everypony! ✶

You bring them within viewing distance of your castle and…

KARKAT: WOW.

KARKAT: THAT…

KARKAT: THAT IS AWESOME.

MEENAH: shell yeah

TWILIGHT: ✨ Welcome to Friendship Castle! ✶

DAVE: this disease has taken a firm root

TWILIGHT: ✨ Wait a minute…… ✶

You point directly at Meenah Peixes, an excited expression upon your face.

TWILIGHT: ✨ You're an alicorn! ✶

TWILIGHT: ✨ With a tailfin! ✶

KANKRI: If c9nventi9n h9lds I w9uld assume that there are f9ur 9f us with tailfins, and tw9 9f that number sh9uld 6e "alic9rns" als9.

KANKRI: 9nly 9ne Peixes and 9ne Amp9ra are with us here, 6ut I w9uld assume that Sha66ith-Ka facilitated the arrival 9f 9ur entire c9mpany in Equestria, and in that case Feferi will 6e inn9cently cuddling s9me fish s9mewhere while Cr9nus is less inn9cently r9mancing s9me mare s9mewhere.

ERIDAN: i havve to admit that my dancestor is kinda a creep

TWILIGHT: ✨ Well I won't hold it against you. ✶

TWILIGHT: ✨ Come on in. ✶

You telekinetically open the doors to your BIG ASS CASTLE to reveal the timey-wimey detail that it's EVEN BIGGER ON THE INSIDE.

TWILIGHT: ✨ Mi casa es su casa. ✶

TWILIGHT: ✨ I mit hus udforske. ✶

TWILIGHT: ✨ Il ya beaucoup à voir. ✶

JANE: Just how many fields are you an expert in?

DIRK: She's an expert in all of the fields.

TWILIGHT: ✨ ALLE VON IHNEN. ✶

END OF CHAPTER 2