My Kingdom for a Muffin

by TheTypingFluttershy

Rating: everyone
Tags: Other, Comedy, Dinky Hooves, Random, Adventure, Derpy Hooves, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3794

After Sugercube Corner ran out of muffins, Derpy goes on a epic quest to find some.

After going to Sugercube Corner, Derpy finds out that they didn't get a shipment of the ingredients needed for the best muffins in the world. Derpy goes on a epic quest, and unbeknownst to her, her children decide to follow. Now Derpy, Dinky, Sparkler, and Dizzy Hooves are all on the ride of their lives, and it will involve muffins. Lots and lots of muffins.

Credit to StarryOak on Deviantart for the picture and help with the story. Also credit to hlissner on Deviantart for the locations in the story http://hlissner.deviantart.com/art/Equestria-and-beyond-rev-8-1-253465186

Published 2012-03-25 04:34:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-09 18:37:21 UTC

Chapter 1: Of Muffins and Mares

It was beautiful. there was nothing but muffins as far as her eyes could see. Derpy Hooves smiled widely, her yellow eyes sparkling in delight. As she pranced happily across the fluffy muffin fields, muffins began to frolic with her, and it was so much fun, she could stay forever

All of a sudden, a loud noise rang out, and Derpy's eyes flung open, spinning wildly, her blond mane tangled up in front of her eyes. Brushing off the strands with her grey hoof, she looked around and spotted the alarm clock ringing. She glared at the infernal contraption that had woken her up from her muffin dream. She tossed a pillow at it in frustration, but it flew straight over the clock and hit the wall.
"Why does the clock always wake me up during my muffin dreams?" She moaned, slowly getting out of bed, groggily rubbing her hooves against her head. Rubbing her eyes, she walked out of her room, slowly walking down the stairs, before tripping over her own hooves, sending her flying down to the floor.
"Honey, what are you doing on the floor?" Derpy looked up, only to find her eye meeting with her husbands bright blue eyes, one of her eyes drifting down to the floor. The light brown stallion was looking at her incredulously.
"I fell down the stairs... i'm a clumsy pony, aren't I?" Derpy sighed, frowning.
"No, Derpy. You're the most clever pony I have ever met", Doctor Whooves relied.
Derpy simply stared at him incredulously with one eye, with the other still looking at the floor. He continued, sweating slightly, grinning nervously "I really mean it. You're the smartest pony I have ever known".
Derpy looked at him for a second longer, staring him down, but then after several seconds of silence, she just simply replied "OK!". She got up and trotted to the kitchen to have her favorite food, a muffin, before she went to work at the post office. She opened up the pantry, only to reveal nothing there, shelves barren of any trace of the delicious treats. "Hey, do you know where the muffins went?" she turned and yelled to Doctor Whooves upstairs,
"There should be two left in the pantry. I saw them last night". The Doctor's voice rang out from above
Derpy's right eye shifted to see her unicorn daughter, Dinky Hooves walking into the room. "Umm, I, well, umm... I might have... eaten both muffins for... breakfast this morning" The unicorn shifted on her hooves, guiltily staring up at her mother.
"Aw, it's ok, Dinky," Her mother grinned happily, eye twitching.
Dinky smiled, glad she wasn't in trouble, left the room. As soon as Dinky had left the room. Derpy checked that she was alone, got down on her hooves, looked up at the ceiling with one eye and raised both hooves and yelled "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
A few moments later, her eldest daughter, a purple unicorn named Sparkler, walked into the kitchen, glaring at her mom. "Mother, what are you yelling about? It's early in the morning and you woke me up." She said, as Derpy noticed her ruffled hair, and bloodshot eyes. Derpy grabbed a hold of her daughter, shaking her frantically
"Oh Sparkler, the worst possible thing has happened! I have ran out of muffins, and you know what that means? DO YOU?!" Derpy frantically said. "It MEANS that I won't focus at work because I didn't have breakfast and if I don't focus at work and not deliver all the letters and get FIRED. DO YOU WANT THAT!?" Derpy rapidly said, shaking her hooves wildly, eyes spinning and gasping for breath afterwards.
Sparkler just stood there, simply staring at her mother going crazy over nothing. "Well, you could just have a normal piece of toast, or just one of the cupcakes Pinkie Pie gave us, or-" Sparkler suggested, but was cut off by Derpy.
"IT'S NOT THE SAME!" Derpy cried in despair. But at that moment, she had an idea. "Wait a moment, Pinkie! Sugercube Corner! I could just drop by there quickly and get a muffin, then be in time for work! Thank you Sparkler!" Derpy kissed Sparkler on the cheek as she grabbed her mail bag and rushed out the door.
"Your welcome?" Sparkler said, dazed.

Derpy happily skipped though town, looking at the nice townsfolk, such as Lyra and Bon Bon. They are both very nice ponies. When she saw Sugercube Corner in sight, she squealed in delight. They made the best muffins to every exist in this world, and she couldn't wait to bite her teeth into them again. She walked right in the see the friendly Pinkie at the counter, smiling as Derpy walked in.
"Let me guess, your here for a muffin right?" Pinkie guessed. Derpy gasped.
"Oh my gosh, how did you know? Are you a mind reader or something?" Derpy asked in amazement.
"Oh, I know lot's of things, like I know that Rainbow Dash... is secretly a bookworm! Hold on just a second, let me grab you your usual muffin." Pinkie left the counter for a moment, leaving Derpy some time to look at the stuff on display. There were cakes, fancy cupcakes, brownies, and all sorts of mouth watering treats Derpy didn't recognize. They were so tempting, but no. She was here for one thing, and that thing, was a muffin. A muffin packed with delicious flavor in every crumb.
Pinkie returned to the counter, frowning. "I'm sorry Derpy, I couldn't find any muffins. We never got the shipment of ingredients to make the special muffins, and we ran out quickly. I'm sorry Derpy, maybe next time."
Derpy opened her mouth in shock.
"N-n-no muffins? No, no...." Derpy, once again, looked up, raised both hooves and yelled, "NOOOOOO!!! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO. I'M NOTHING WITHOUT MY MUFFINS, NOTHING", Derpy fell down to the floor, not knowing what to do next. If she didn't have her morning fuel in the morning, then what could she do? She had to have that muffin, there was no questioning that. Pinkie just stared at the sad body on the floor, tilting her head to one side. Just then, Derpy had another fantastic idea, a fail-proof plan that had to work. I had to. "Pinkie..." Derpy started, pulling herself off the ground, brushing the filth from the floor off of her "...What place ships you the things needed to make your heavenly muffins? Please, I need to know!" She desperately asked.
Pinkie looked her, with her head still tilted, "Concordia, but I don't see how you could-" Pinkie was abruptly stopped by Derpy
"Thank you! I have a plan... a plan to go there, and get my muffin! Work will have to wait, because I WILL get my muffin and nopony is going to stop me!" Pinkie opened her mouth to argue,
"But it's across an ocean! And for what, a muffin? You're crazy!". Derpy just looked at her with one eye (With the other looking at the floor), and simply said,
"I may be crazy, but it just might work! Wish my luck, I will need it...". Derpy left Sugercube Corner while Pinkie had an unsure look on her face. Derpy flew off to start her quest. A quest.... for muffin!

******

Meanwhile, Dinky had followed Derpy all the way to Sugercube Corner, all by herself! She saw Pinkie Pie at the counter, eating a delicious cupcake, and licking that delicious frosting.
"Umm, excuse me Pinkie, but do you know where my mommy went?", Dinky nervously asked, kicking her hoof back and forward on the floor. Pinkie paused from eating and looked at the little filly.
"Oh, she had this crazy idea to go all the way to Concordia, all because she didn't get a muffin!" Pinkie giggled. Dinky stared in shock. It was all her fault! Mommy had gone all the way there to get a muffin just because she had eaten them this morning. No. She couldn't stand around and do nothing while mommy went away. She had to help. She trotted home to get help from her sisters, Sparkler and Dizzy. She rushed inside and saw Dizzy flapping her wings, attempting to fly. Dizzy walked back a few steps, and did a running jump while flapping her wings as fast as she could. She leaped, but fell to the ground face first. Dizzy got up and looked at Dinky walking towards her, smiling.
"Dizzy, you have to help me! Mommy has gone on a quest, and it's all my fault! I had eaten the last of the muffins and she is going on an adventure! And we, as a team, must follow her, to help her out!". Dinky exclaimed. Dizzy's mouth opened wide, in both shock and happiness. Dizzy then squealed and started running out the room.
"Hold on, I'll get Sparkler, maybe she could help us!" Dizzy yelled as she was running out the room. Moments later she returned with Sparkler, looking annoyed as usual.
"What have you dragged me out for?! I was taking a... yawn... cat nap..." Sparkler said, rubbing her eyes with her hoof. Dinky started to explain.
"Oh, the worst possible thing has happened! Mommy has gone on an adventure, and it's all my fault! You have to have us follow her, please!" Dinky pleaded. Sparkler just looked at the two little fillys. Perhaps she could humor them for a bit. She was board herself, and she had nothing better to do this weekend.
"All right, let's go follow mommy. Lead the way, Dinky!" Sparkler happily said, trying to look exited. Dinky squealed in delight, as she burst out running out the door, with Dizzy and Sparkler slowly behind. And so they have started their quest. A quest... to follow mommy!

And so begins their epic quest. A quest filled with dangers and hazards (And also muffins). Will they succeed and make it alive? I have no idea

Chapter 2a: The Quest Begins (Derpy)

Derpy was happily skipping though town, ready to start her adventure. She saw her friends as she skipped though town, such as Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, but she had no time to talk to them. She had to get her muffins. When she reached the edge of town, she knew she wouldn't see Ponyville for awhile. She was at the bridge between Ponyville and the world. She took a step onto the the bridge. She then took another step.
Then another
Then another
Then a few more
Until she had one more step until she was out on Ponyville. She then took a flying leap off the bridge, flapping her wings in pride, as she landed on the ground on the other side. She has started her quest to go to Concordia! The land that must be the muffin capital of the world, what else could it be, and why hasn't she heard of it? She started flying off the ground into the sky above. Over the years she has gotten used to flying with her condition, as long as she doesn't fly too fast she won't crash. She flew slowly in the sky, in the direction on Conco-

Wait

Where in the world IS Concordia?

Derpy swooped down to the ground, and in the process crashed into a tree. Derpy got up and rubbed her head, starting to feel a headache develop. There were a few letters scattered on the ground from her mailbag which had a big hole in it from crashing into the ground. She had no idea where Concordia is hence hearing it just this morning. She saddly walked back to Ponyville to get a map at a nearby store. She spotted a geographic shop with maps, compasses, and all sorts of adventure items, She walked inside to hear a bell ring. Derpy was startled at the sudden noise, but continued to walk inside. Inside she saw a grey pony behind the counter. He had short and black hair with a compass rose cutie mark on his flank. Sat upon his nose was a pair a glasses, looking at a magazine. Derpy nervously walked up to the counter when the stallion looked up from his read.
"So, ya going to buy something or ya just some tourist looking around, because I don't take kindly to tourists around here" The gray pony angrily spat. Derpy gulped as she spoke "Oh, umm, I'm just in need of... supplies for a trip to... umm... Concordia, and... yeah". The grey pony's eyes widened
"Concordia? You're going all the way there? Well, why didn't you say so! Here, let me set you up". He walked around the counter and grabbed some sort of kit from a shelf with his mouth. He walked back to his post and dropped the case on the counter. With a swift movement of his hoof, he flipped open the latch and revealed a huge set of adventure supplies, such as maps, a compass, binoculars, a journal, a knife, and all sorts of items. The pony-behind-the-counter pulled out the map and spread it out on the counter. Derpy gasped. It was a map of the whole known world! The adventure-pony then described what the path to Concordia will be like and where to go. He started his long explanation of what to do
"OK, we're here in Ponyville, and this..." He pointed to Concordia far away in the land of Cervidas, "...is Concordia. What you want to do first is travel all the way to Hoofington. There you will get a ship and sail down the river, into the sea. Sail close to the land until you reach the shores around Stableside, where then you will sail into open seas. Sail to the town of Fawntain where you will travel on foot again. You may or may not stop at Equadoe, it's your choice. From there, it's one last long journey to Concordia, where you're headed."
Derpy simply stared in amazement. It was so far away! But, to her, anything was worth it to reach the land of the best muffins in the world. "How much for the kit?" Derpy politely asked.
"12 bits" The-pony-with-the-glasses simply replied. Derpy happily payed the price for this top notch exploration kit, put it in her mail bag, and said goodbye to the pony-who-we-don't-know-what-his-name-is-and-never-will.
"Good luck on your journey, you little derped pony!" He said as Derpy was leaving the shop. Derpy quietly spoke to herself, "What a nice and scary guy. I wonder what his name was?"
Derpy left town in the right direction this time, heading where he had told her to go. She sat down on a few rocks and pulled out her map and compass. She was going the right way this time, lucky her. She was glad she actually understood the map, with her eyes derped and all. She grabbed a bottle of water sipped a bit. She wish she had something more interesting and actually had a taste to it, like orange juice. Is there such a thing as muffin juice? Derpy pondered that idea. It would be the best drink the world! She began to search the kit more. She found instructions of how everything worked, and looked at the supplies as she read about them. Some of them she didn't need, such as a rope and a hook to climb stuff, yet others were useful. She saw a mini first aid kit, which was going to be helpful for when she crashed into trees and stuff. Speaking of crashing into trees, Derpy's headache was killing her. She put her water bottle against her head as she looked at the knife. Now, why would she need a knife? She's not going to kill anything, and she has apples and stuff in her bag so she didn't need to hunt. Then she started thinking if there would be any jungles in Concordia. She could be just like Daring Do and cut though vines with her knife! That would be so awesome. And going across the ocean in a ship? That reminded Derpy of pirates, with their peg-legs, parots, and hats. Awesome old pirate hats. Derpy was going to be a pirate! She grabbed the knife in her mouth and started swinging it around like a sword aimlessly.
She was suddenly transported into a pirate battle, battling the dreaded Muffin Stealer Pirates! She jumped onto their ship and started to battle their crew. She knocked them off the ship as her crew fired muffin-bombs from the cannons, "HERES THE MUFFINS YA WANTED TO STEAL, ARRRR" yelled her crew as they took down the ship. Derpy rushed down into the ship to find the deadly captain of the ship. "So we meet at last, Captain Derpy. But your ship is the one that's going down, not ours! And we will have ALL of your muffins and we will eat them all! ARRRRR", Yelled the Captain, laughing a pirate laugh "Why are you doing this, Captain Dinky?!" Asked Derpy desperately, staring into the face of the young filly.
"Because... I was hungry, so I ate them for breakfast..."
Derpy was then pulled back to reality, noticing a little trickle of blood coming down her cheek. Derpy screeched. The knife had cut her lip! She flipped open the first aid kit and applied a band-aid on the cut. She should have been smarter then to play with knifes foolishly like that! She put all the supplies away and started flying off. Ugh, a headache and a cut lip. What next? Is she going to break her wing? My gosh, she just started her quest and she's getting banged up everywhere!
Some time has passed, and her wings were growing weary. She then noticed a peaceful lake in a small forest. Why not stop there to rest? She has been flying for awhile, and she could have a nice drink from the lake. The flew down to the shore, almost crashing into the lake, yet she actually landed without crashing this time. She went up to the lake to take a sip, careful not to get her bandage soggy. When she had finished, she sat down on a boulder to rest...

A few or so hours have passed when Derpy woke up to rustling in the bushes. Her head popped up, trying to see what was causing the rustle in the bushes. A body emerged from the bushes to reveal a donkey taking a sip from the lake. Derpy felt the urge to introduce herself to this old donkey. "Umm, hello..." She began as the donkey looked up from the lake "I'm Derpy... what's your name?" Derpy nervously asked. The donkey smiled and replied
"My name is Cranky. I live in these quiet and peaceful woods with my wife Matilda. And your eyes are..." Cranky stopped speaking for a second, then continued "Nevermind. Do you want to come stay with us for a little while? You look cold and lost, and you have cuts and bruises everywhere!" Derpy knew he was right, yet she wasn't lost, she knew exactly where she was going! But, she could use a bit of rest and warmth for awhile.
"Ok, lead the way... kind donkey". Cranky smiled once again and lead Derpy to a small cabin in a peaceful place in the woods. Wasn't he lonely here?
As they walked in, Derpy saw a lit fireplace, photos of Cranky and what Derpy guessed was Matilda, and artifacts and trinkets from all over Equestria. Matilda walked into the room, surprised to see the derp eyed house guest.
"Cranky, who is this?", she asked, tilting her head. Derpy was about to speak, but she stopped by Cranky.
"I found her by the lake. She was cold and hurt, and I though I should bring her in here, to help her." Matilda turned her head to Derpy.
"Oh my! You want some soup? Let me get you some soup". Matilda walked out of the room, leaving Derpy and Cranky in the room alone by the crackling fire. Cranky looked at Derpy, then he asked, "Where are you from?"
Derpy stared him in the eye and slowly responded, "Ponyville... i'm from Ponyville..." Cranky looked interested in what Derpy was telling him. He then asked, "Where are you going?" Derpy glanced at him, and answered quietly. "Concordia..." Cranky appeared to be baffled. "Your going all the way there? Wow..... for what?", Cranky asked looking more interested then ever, Derpy didn't want to tell him it was for muffins, he would just call her crazy. She needed to quickly think of another reason. "Umm... FRIENDS! I need to find a, erm, old friend!" Derpy blurted out without thinking. Cranky, still very interested in every word she was saying, began to speak again
"You know, I used to be like you, looking for a old friend, but I finally found her, and that friend..." Cranky nodded to the kitchen "is in that room right now. Now, who is this friend?"
Derpy had to think of a name and fast. "Ermmm, her name is Blueberry! She, umm, grows blueberries and makes the best blueberry muffins!" The name had come to her though the thought of muffins, and blueberry muffins we're delicious! "D-do you have muffins Cranky?" Derpy asked. Cranky shook his head. At that moment Matilda walked into the room and placed a empty bowl and a spoon on a table next to Derpy. Matilda walked back into the kitchen and brought out a pot full of soup and poured some into Derpy's bowl.
"It's my special berry soup! Eat this and get some rest". Matilda prompted. Derpy tilted her head at the soup. How she wish she had a muffin to chew on instead of this blue liquid soup. But she didn't want to be rude, so she grasped the spoon with her hoof and scooped some of the soup into her mouth. It tasted like... blueberry muffins without the muffins in a liquid form. It wasn't the best thing ever, but it was still delicious and filled her stomach. She slurped up the rest of the soup and suddenly felt tired. "I feel a bit dizzier then usual..." Derpy spoke in a concerned voice. Matilda replied
"The soup is supposed to do that. It's supposed to help you rest and feel better. Now, just rest on the couch and tell us if you need anything". She guided Derpy to the couch and instructed her to lay down. Matilda grabbed some blankets and placed them on Derpy. Derpy wasn't tired at all, yet that soup had made her very sleepy... perhaps she could... take a rest... for a bit...