Romance Novels Are Bad!

by Manes

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2511

Imagine waking up to see yourself as the main character of a bad romance novel.

When Spike drags Twilight out to Sugarcube Corner for something he claims is "hilarious​", she discovers that she is the main character of a romance novel... along with Princess Celestia.

Twilight is not happy about this.

Artwork can be found here

Special thanks to Weeping Angel and Servant Of Avacyn for editing it.

Published 2014-02-24 03:20:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-24 03:20:04 UTC

Twilight's reaction (Edited)

A book lay open on the desk, Twilight’s face buried in it as she slept. Her faint snore broke the silence in the quiet library, but she couldn’t have cared less. She was way too tired to trot upstairs and rest on her comfortable bed after reading a book about magical elements and spells.

“Hmmm,” she moaned in her sleep. “Yes, I would like to have some alone time with you, Princess.” Twilight snored again. “No, no, I wouldn’t mind you reading a book with me while I sleep.”

“Twilight!” Spike exclaimed as he burst through the door, sweating and panting. “Twi...light… I...need...to…woof!” He puffed out and accidentally blasted a burst of fire towards Twilight, which burned her flank.

“Eeep!” Twilight jolted up from the chair, flying in the air for a brief moment. Then she fell down and landed flank-first on the wooden floor. “Spike, what did I tell you about waking me up like that?!”

Spike reached a claw around the back of his neck and chuckled. “Sorry, Twilight, but there’s something I have to tell you!” he exclaimed, jumping up and down. “Actually, it’s better if I show you. Words cannot describe how funny it is!”

Twilight rolled her eyes then trotted into the kitchen. “Well, it’ll have to wait until after we have some breakfast.”

Spike threw his arms in the air and shouted. “But I already ate! And the stand might be gone by the time you get there!”

“Stand? What stand?”

Spike smiled. “Now I have your attention.” He walked to Twilight and placed a claw over her shoulder, drawing her closer. “So how’s about we skip breakfast and head on down to Sugarcube Corner!”

Twilight glanced at the refrigerator inside the kitchen, thinking of the wonderful food trapped inside the monstrous beast, and how amazing it would be if she could just get to it...Twilight licked her lips, and turning back to Spike, she sighed. “Fine, but only for a couple of minutes!”

Spike jumped up in the air and punched it with his fist, shouting, “Yes!” Then, in a flash, he ran out the front door, not bothering to wait for her.

Twilight sighed and began trotting after him. “I hate Mondays.”

Twilight and Spike trotted alongside each other through the crowd of excited ponies jumping and pacing back and forth. There was even a gigantic line that led towards Sugarcube Corner, which was filled to the brim with impatient ponies waiting their turn for something or other.

“What’s with the line?” Spike asked, shoving through the line, ignoring the ponies’ mumbles about how rude he was.“There wasn’t a line before I left.”

“Spike, we should just wait like the other ponies.” Once Twilight came into view, the ponies stopped mumbling and turned their attention towards her. The confused alicorn stopped trotting and looked behind her, only to see the ponies’ mouths agape as they stared at her. “Why is everypony staring at me?” Twilight asked nopony in particular.

Twilight felt a tap on her shoulder. Turning around, she saw Spike pointing towards the window of Sugar Cube Corner.

“What in the name of Princess Celestia is that!?” Twilight yelled, jumping up in surprise. She saw a poster with her clinging onto Princess Celestia’s shoulder while she stared out somewhere, their faces didn’t look right, plus she was holding onto Celestia some weird way. “This has got to be a nightmare!”

No longer having the strength to hold in his laughter, Spike fell to the ground and held his stomach as he burst out in a laughing fit. “MY SIDES, MY SIDES!”

“Umm, Twilight?” Twilight turned around and saw Bon Bon sitting on a chair behind a stand with a banner that read: Twilight: The New Saga Release Today!

“What is this?” Twilight asked, her face boiling with anger. “Who in their right mind would write me and Princess Celestia as the main characters of a romance novel?!”

“Well, the book does have the author’s initials on the back,” Bon Bon suggested, handing a book over to Twilight, who levitated it in front of her. “You interested in reading the book yourself?”

“No!” Twilight turned the book over and read the initials printed on the back. “D.D.?” She arched an eyebrow. “Bon Bon, do you know anypony who has D.D. as their initials?”

The mare leaned back her chair, humming. “Can’t say I have, but it could be Daring Do maybe?”

Twilight shook her head. “No, she’s not into this type of genre.”

“Ditzy?”

“The mailmare?”

Bon Bon nodded.

Twilight blinked a couples times, before shaking her head. “If that clumsy mare wrote a book, then I must be dreaming or hallucinating after being hit on the head pretty hard.”

“HEY!” Derpy shouted from within the crowd.

“Bon Bon, you gotta know something about the author!” Twilight slammed her hooves on the table and drew her face closer to Bon’s. “Tell me.”

“Twilight, you’re a friend, but I’m just as clueless as you!” Bon Bon announced. “But I do know that the author is held in the—”

“TWILIGHT!” Twilight turned her attention to the voice that shouted from the crowd. Five of her friends came from within the crowd. Rarity and Pinkie wore t-shirts that had big white words written on it like “Team Princess Celestia” and “Team Luna” while the others remained clothless. “Fancy seeing you here!”

Twilight looked from Rarity to Pinkie, then Rainbow Dash and Applejack, who looked unamused. “Girls, what are you doing here!?” she shouted, surprised.

“Well, I’m a big fan!” Pinkie shouted. “I read the first book and now I get to read the sequel!”

“Wait… There was a first one?!” Twilight yelled. “And I didn’t know about it!?”

“Well duh! Of course there was a first one!” Pinkie reached into her mane and pulled out a book. “It came out a couple months ago!”

“But, how could I have not known about it!?”

“Well, darling, the book was very popular when it got released, but it didn’t last very long. You also went away from Ponyville for a couple months. It was released while you were gone,” Rarity explained, tapping the book.

Twilight turned to Rainbow Dash. “Why are you here? I thought you only read Daring Do!”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “I’m not here to read the book, I just want to know what all the fuss is about, and why you’re the main character of a popular book and not me.” She chuckled nervously. “Not that I want to be a part of this stupid book.”

“Fluttershy, Applejack?”

“Ah’m just here ‘cause Rainbow dragged me here. She doesn’t want to be standing here alone with a bunch of, and Ah quote, ‘lame-os’.”

“It’s true!” Rainbow Dash yelled. “Who would read a book about some sparkling vampire alicorn falling in love with a depressed egghead unicorn?” She turned to Twilight. “No offense.”

“Umm, I liked the romance between the two even though the violence scared me,” Fluttershy said, cowering behind her mane.

“This is unbelievable!” Twilight shouted, turning back to Bon Bon, who was handing out a book to the mare that came next in line. “The author. Where!?”

“I told you I don’t know who he or she is! But I heard the author is being held in the Canterlot Castle where the Princesses live,” Bon Bon replied. “Maybe they wanted to meet him or her and congratulate them on their success.”

Twilight sighed, calming down a little. “Thank you.” She turned around and began trotting towards the direction of the train station.

“Where you going!?”

Twilight kept on trotting, not bothering to give Bon Bon her full attention. “I’m going to have a little talk with the author about this nightmare!”

Rainbow Dash and the others exchanged looks before the pegasus flew after Twilight. “Wait up!”

As the train came to screeching halt near the Canterlot station, Twilight and Rainbow Dash trotted out the door and stopped to observe their surroundings. “Remind me to take the first class seats,” Twilight said, rubbing her sore neck.

“I second that.” Rainbow Dash stretched out her back and once she heard a bone pop, a moan escaped her mouth. “So what’s the plan Twilight Bella?” she said, snickering. “Should we call the sparking vampire to help us!?” she fell to the floor and burst out laughing.

“Ha, that was so funny, I forgot to laugh!” Twilight shoved past Rainbow Dash, and trotted towards the palace.“This isn’t funny, Rainbow!”

“It was a joke, Twilight. Loosen up!” Rainbow Dash called out. “You know, this book thing is really making you sound like a bitc—”

“COME ON, RAINBOW!”

Twilight and Rainbow Dash finally made it inside the Princesses' palace after a long walk inside the big city. They trotted alongside each other down the castle’s halls filled with paintings and statues created by some of the finest artists in Equestrian history. They passed sentries standing guard at every other door and palace denizens looking at the paintings.

Finally, Twilight found her target, a tall door that had a banner hung above the door that read: Thirty minutes to meet the author of the Twilight saga romance novel. Ponies surrounded the door, standing in a line waiting for their turn to meet the creator of Twilight’s nightmare.

“Twilight, it feels like I’ve been here before.” Rainbow Dash tapped her chin. “I can’t say how, but I know I’ve been here before!”

“Me too,” Twilight said. “I remember coming to this door with Princess Celestia and she told me to bring you girls along with me just in case we needed to use the elements.”

“Like before Fluttershy reformed Discord, or after?” Rainbow Dash asked, a hint of fear in her tone.

Twilight’s eyes widen as the cruel realization struck her. “After,” she turned to Rainbow Dash. She grabbed her shoulders and began shaking her friend. “It happened after! That no good son of—”

“Now now, Twilight is that that any way to speak in front of a famous writer?” The banner flew off the wall and landed in front of Twilight and Rainbow Dash. It then formed itself into a creature mixed with different limbs belonging to different types of animals.

“Discord!” They both shouted in unison.

“The one and only.” He chucked and slithered around like a snake around the two ponies and brought them closer to his face. “Twilight, it’s so nice to see my star character coming to see me!”

“Why, Discord! I thought you were done doing evil!”

“Evil?” Discord placed a claw on his chest and put on a shocked face. “Whatever do you mean?”

“THIS!” Twilight shot a hoof towards a poster of the book that hung on the wall. “Explain this!”

Discord looked at the poster and frowned. “The artist made you and Princess Celestia’s faces kinda mushy.” His frown then turned to smile, and he chuckled. “But it does suit the mood of the story.”

Twilight stomped her hoof against floor. “DISCORD!”

“Oh, Twilight. I’m not evil anymore. Remember, I’m reformed!” He wrapped his arm around Twilight. “I’m just simply having fun with no harm being done to anypony, or no damage being done to the city.”

“You’re making a mockery out of me and Princess Celestia!” Twilight shouted. “I should've turned you to stone when I had the chance!”

Discord threw his hands out. “Wow, Twilight, let’s not resort to petty insults.” He reached a claw to her nose and bopped it. “After all, we’re all friends here.”

“Discord, you need to take every copy of that stupid book and make them disappear, do you hear me?” Twilight’s horn glowed and it pushed Discord’s back onto the floor. She trotted next to him, staring at him face to face. “Now!!”

“Why, Twilight?” Discord chuckled. “Is it that you don’t want other ponies to enjoy a romance novel all because you think it might change what they think about you and Princess Celestia's relationship?

Twilight released Discord from her magic and began backing away from him. He began to laugh like the lunatic he was. “Or is it because you think I’m plotting something evil?”

Twilight felt a hoof touch her shoulder. She turned around to see Rainbow Dash with a frown on her face. “I hate to admit, but he isn’t doing anything worth using the elements for; he’s just acting like an idiot.”

Twilight sighed, her anger simmering down some. She took in a few more deep breaths and looked at Discord apologetically. “I was so worried about the book changing what they would think about me and Princess Celestia’s relationship, I didn’t even notice them enjoying the book.” She turned to Rainbow. “I didn’t even notice my friends enjoying it.”

“I didn’t even read the book.” Rainbow Dash said. “But if I did, it wouldn’t change how I view your and Princess Celestia’s student-teacher relationship.”

Twilight smiled. “Thanks Rainbow.” She turned to Discord who still was wearing a wicked smile on his face. “Keep the book.”

Discord stopped laughing and looked at Twilight with wide eyes. “Pardon me?”

“Keep the book,” Twilight repeated. “If others like reading the book, then I shouldn’t take it from them.” She turned her back from him and began trotting away.

“You’re supposed to be angry!” Discord shouted, he realized Rainbow Dash was still standing near him. “What do you want?” his words spat out like venom.

Rainbow Dash shrugged and smiled. “I gotta read the book myself sometime if it makes an alicorn that pissed off.” She trotted away, chuckling. “See ya later, Discord!”

Discord watched them leave the room. He crossed his arms and huffed. “Looks like this plan didn’t go too well.” He walked to a drawer in the halls of the palace and opened it, reaching an arm in and taking out a piece paper.

He smiled. “Time to go to plan B.” He laughed as the words written on the paper sealed Twilight’s fate. Twilight: The Movie.

Author's Note

I hope you enjoyed this shit! :D Also thanks to the people who edited this again.

Celestia's reaction (Edited)

Three hours before Twilight’s rage

Princess Celestia sat in her royal chair, sipping cup of tea, and reading a book surrounded in her magic. She sighed as her relaxing moment was interrupted by a guard bursting through the doors.

“Your Highness! I bring something you may want to see!” The guard galloped to the princess, a book held in his magic. Once he neared Celestia, he levitated it into her lap. “Somepony is making a mockery of you and Princess Twilight!”

Princess Celestia glanced at the book; she turned the book over on its back and read the initials. “D.D” She put the book down and resumed sipping her tea. “It’s Discord.”

The guard gasped. “Discord! I’ll round up the guards and—”

“No need.” She sipped her tea. “My former student and her friends will handle this silly little situation.” She leaned back into her chair and closed her eyes. “They always do.”