Of Royal Sisters and Rock Concerts
When the average pony thinks of Canterlot, they think of aristocrats and politicians, of Equestria’s biggest collection of nobs and toffs and bigwigs. They think of ivory towers, great halls, and altogether far too much marble. Canterlot is seen as a place of power, prestige, and politics - not to mention Princesses.
It’s quite easy to forget that Canterlot is one of the biggest urban centres in Equestria, where countless thousands of ponies go to their jobs each day - and most of those jobs don’t involve wearing a fancy hat and doing bugger all. The workers at the airshipyards, the ponies cutting blocks of marble, and the fryers and glazers in Canterlot’s thriving doughnut industry had little in common with the often rather pompous elite, having their own dialect, their own fashions, their own cuisine and their own music.
It would surprise quite a few ponies that the most popular band in Canterlot isn’t a classical ensemble, but a rather unique group by the name of Howls of Catastrophe, notable for having four singers. It came about when a singer, whose entire band had recently been jailed for joyriding a Royal Equestrian Navy battlecruiser[1] met up with a starry-eyes colt hoping to be a singer as well, a drummer who had just sold her drum set to sustain her Poison Joke addiction, and a guitarist whose guitar had been smashed to pieces[2]. Having four musicians, lofty ambitions and zero instruments, they decided to go a capella.
Which was rather unusual for a hardrock band.
They made up for their lack of instruments with an uncanny ability to scream very, very loudly. Indeed, loudness would quickly become their hallmark, which was reflected in their musical equipment - their current speakers were originally part of an attempted sonic weapons program. Screaming would become such a central part of their act that while they had once again acquired a drum set and a guitar, they were hardly ever used[3].
They had just toured Equestria, and were now preparing for a concert in Canterlot, or rather, near Canterlot - their prototype Sonic Disruptor Cannons weren’t allowed near any built-up areas, so the event would take place in an empty valley just outside of the city, far below the castle. While a few workers were busy setting up a fireworks display (consisting of several batteries of KY-4 “Talon” anti-air missiles and something that looked suspiciously like a long-range ballistic missile), the band had gathered to discuss the upcoming gig.
The informal leader of the band, a stallion with grey fur (dyed), a black and red mane (also dyed) and a razor cutie mark (which was an iron-on), going by the name Grimblade (real name: Buddy Bellows), was sipping from a mug of blood (actually coffee). “Are we all ready for tonight’s gig?” he said.
“I was born ready!” said the youngest band member, a jet-black stallion with toxic green hair, slitted pupils, bat wings, and an astronomically large budget set aside to keep him looking like that. He’d legally changed his name to Darksoul a few months earlier.
“Are you implying I might be underprepared? You take that right back or I bash your head in, I will!” said Crimson Fang, the red-furred, black-maned mare who was in charge of smashing guitars to bits. The fact that, like Darksoul and Grimblade, her name and appearance were fake was often repeated by ponies, but never when she was around to hear it.
“I’m ready too!” said the band’s fourth member, who was only ever referred to as Drummer despite not doing a lot of drumming. Due to the amount of money the band spent on the appearances of Grimblade, Darksoul and Crimson Fang, along with the costs of fireworks, new guitars, and the many lawsuits that inevitably result from firing advanced sonic weaponry at large crowds of ponies, there was never a lot of money left to spend on dyes for Drummer, and the funds she did end up with always mysteriously ended up missing (the fact that she still managed to obtain her fix of Poison Joke was merely a coincidence, she assured everyone). As a result, she’d kept her natural dark blue fur and light blue mane.
“So, should we, like, discuss our setlist or something?” Grimblade said.
“Since when have we ever discussed anything?” Darksoul said.
“You wanna discuss things, you do? Well why don’t you go and have a nice discussion with me right hoof?” Crimson Fang said.
“If it’s alright with the rest of you, I think I’ll check up on the fireworks,” Drummer said.
“Yeah, whatever,” Grimblade said.
“I’ll cut you!” Crimson said.
As Drummer walked away, Darksoul gave him a worried look. “Is it just me, or has Drummer been acting awfully odd lately?” he said.
Grimblade shrugged. “I dunno. Come to think of it, she has actually been acting borderline polite ever since that concert at Baltimare.”
“Was that the one near that old Changeling hive?” Darksoul said.
“Yeah, that one. Ever since that gig, she’s gotten polite. It’s sort of unsettling, really.”
“Me, I’m just getting sick of that big green slimy thing she keeps dragging around,” Crimson said. “Stupid thing keeps oozing, too. If any of that ooze gets on me or my stuff, I swear to Celestia she’s in for a world of pain.”
“You know I swear I’ve read about something like this before,” Darksoul said. “If only I could remember what it was…”
===
Drummer very carefully looked around to make sure no one was nearby.
“Right, so the ballistic missile will strike at the castle,” she said to herself, adjusting the control system of the fireworks. “Hopefully, that’ll take out the Princesses, but if that fails, they’ll be sure to fly from the ruins, so they’ll be ripe targets for the AA missiles. They’re as good as dead.”
She, being a die-hard traditionalist, cackled like a madmare.
===
To ensure everypony would be able to get to the concert, coaches were travelling back and forth from several convenient locations in Canterlot to the site of the concert. Two unicorns, one dark blue with a light blue mane and the other white with a pink mane, had just taken place in one such coach.
“Isn’t it wonderful that we’ll finally get to see Howls of Catastrophe on stage?” said the white unicorn.
“Huzzah! This shall surely be an evening of great fun!” said the blue one.
The white unicorn quickly looked around for potential eavesdroppers. “Don’t get too excited, Luna,” she said. “We can’t let anypony figure out we’re here. Remember, we’re both just perfectly normal unicorns.”
“Do you really think everypony will be fooled by those cardboard cutouts in the throne room, sister?” Luna said.
“I see no reason why not. Anyway, I didn’t see you come up with any better suggestions.”
“I suppose you are right, ‘Tia.”
“Incidentally, it seems more ponies are about to get on the coach, so we’d best act normal,” Celestia said.
Two ponies did indeed get on the coach.
“Yo! Canine!” Luna said to them. “What is above?”
The two ponies stared at Luna.
“What are you tripping out on?” one of the ponies said.
“Rainbow juice and Poison Joke extract,” Celestia said.
Luna glared at Celestia. Celestia put on her best innocent smile.
===
The concert site was filled with ponies by the time Celestia and Luna arrived. A good number of them were dancing to the music of the opening act (or at least, jerking their bodies around to a rhythm not wholly unlike that of the music). Some of them were buying food and drinks, or complaining about the price of food and drinks. A large medical team was standing at the ready at a big medical tent, ready to treat anyone succumbing to the overwhelming noise.
“You think we’ll be able to make it to the stage?” Celestia asked.
“I’m not sure,” Luna said. “Are those Sonic Disruptor Cannons they’re using for speakers?”
“I think so, yes.”
“How did they even get those?”
Celestia shrugged. “I think they got them from Shining Armor. I hear he’s a fan of Howls, so he probably managed to make some arrangements.”
“That is a gross misuse of power,” Luna said.
“I recall you having quite a different opinion on the matter when it came to giving several millions of bits in subsidies to the coffee industry,” Celestia said.
“That’s different! At any rate, I imagine any attempt to get to the stage would end with those cannons liquefying our internal organs.”
“True,” Celestia said, “but I’m sure those will heal before too long. I’m more worried about the large fence blocking our way.”
“Can we not just teleport to the other side?” Luna said.
“The entire area between here and the stage has been given an anti-teleportation enchantment,” Celestia said. “And as much as we’re acting grossly irresponsible here by relegating our royal duties to cardboard cutouts, cancelling important safety measures is crossing a very important line.”
“That is true,” Luna said. “Can we not simply teleport to the other side of the stage, then?”
“It’s worth a try,” Celestia said.
The two ponies’ horns lit up, and suddenly, they disappeared.
===
They reappeared behind the stage, right in front of the fireworks installation. To their right was the trailer belonging to Howls of Catastrophe, while to their left was the trailer belonging to the opening act, which was far smaller, far less fancy, and surrounded by far fewer empty beer cans. It was also empty, unlike the right trailer - a quick glance told the sisters that the members of Howls were in their trailer.
“We should try and persuade the band members to give us their autographs, should we not?” Luna said.
“Yes, we should,” Celestia said. She stared longingly at the fireworks installation. “You know, if I were younger and more irresponsible, I’d probably try to rewire those fireworks so that they would spell ‘butts’ or something similar.”
“Do you even know how to rewire those rockets?”
“Have you forgotten about my ‘rewire rockets so that they will spell ‘butts’ or something similar’ spell?”
Luna sighed. “I still cannot believe you invented a spell just for that. Still, if you desire to rewire those rockets, you are free to do so. In the mean time, I shall go visit the band so that I may acquire their signatures!”
Luna trotted off. Celestia hesitated for a moment. Then, a mischievous grin formed on her face, and she cast her spell on the fireworks.
“Wait,” she said. “What’s with the ballistic missile?” She prodded at it with her magic. “Why is it aimed directly at the castle?”
She disabled the launching mechanism. “I’d better go an ask for an explanation.”
She followed after Luna, and entered the trailer. What she found inside defied all expectations. Luna was pinning a Changeling to the floor with a hoof. A large green cocoon was lying in a corner in the back, while in the front were three members of Howls of Catastrophe, looking on with a mix of fascination, fear, and in the case of Crimson Fang, rage.
“Would it perhaps be possible,” Celestia said, “that the fact that you’re currently pinning a Changeling to the ground is somehow related to the large piece of artillery that was aimed directly at Canterlot?”
“Just help me take care of this creature, will you?” Luna said. “And for the love of me, please free whoever is inside that cocoon.”
Celestia jumped at the cocoon, carefully sliced it open with a wave of magic, and pulled out the pony inside. It was Drummer, to nopony’s surprise. Celestia quickly assessed Drummer’s health, and cast a healing spell on her, before casting an incapacitation spell at the Changeling.
The moment the Changeling stopped moving, Luna lifted her hoof from it, and went back to her original mission - scoring autographs. Celestia, meanwhile, called security. Both sisters teleported away before security arrived, because neither of them really felt like explaining why they were trespassing.
===
The rest of the concert went without a hitch, and Celestia and Luna enjoyed it to the fullest extent. Celestia couldn’t help but beam at the fireworks display towards the end.
When the concert was over, they made their way back to the castle. They transformed back to their regular alicorn selves and entered. Their moods quickly soured when they discovered some horrible news: one of their cardboard cutouts had fallen over.
Author's Note
[1] The TMS Righteous Indignation, which they had sailed all the way to Zebrican territorial waters, where they had fired all guns at an unfortunate fig tree on an uninhabited isle before sailing the ship directly into a different island until it stopped moving, crashing straight through a warehouse in the process. They managed to cause a diplomatic incident and millions of bits in damage, though at least they managed to get their names out there (which can be very important for a band). How they even managed to get their hooves on an ocean-going vessel in landlocked Canterlot is a question best left unanswered.
[2] When asked for details, she would merely insist that “he had it coming, saying I have anger issues, well I showed ‘im, I did”.
[3] To be fair, the guitar did get used a fair amount. Just not outside of combat.
