CJ in Equestria

by Nosfrat

Rating: mature
Tags: Other, Romance, Queen Chrysalis, Random, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Crossover, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 56189

Carl 'CJ' Johnson is a powerful and ruthless man, ready for everything that might be thrown at him... or so he thought. Waking up in Equestria after getting shitfaced, he will quickly realize that there are things no man was ever prepared for.

Now complete!

Carl 'CJ' Johnson is a man no one wants to mess with. Ready for everything and fearing nothing, he has seen and done it all.

Or so he thought.

After getting shitfaced with a few homies, he wakes up to find himself in Equestria.
Stuck in a foreign land - a land without guns, gangs or even other humans - Carl quickly realizes that there are things no man was ever prepared for. Things that can't be solved by killing, blackmailing or crashing cars.

Rated Mature for heavy, non-stop swearing (over 600 uses of 'fuck' and 'shit'), some mild violence and non-explicit sexual content. It's a Grand Theft Auto crossover, what did you expect anyway?

You can read this story even if you haven't played GTA San Andreas. There are a few quotes and references that you won't get, but other than that, CJ's background story doesn't play much of a role in this story's events.
Still better than my other stories anyway, which contain stuff that no one can possibly get.

Now available in Russian (translated by DDM):
https://ficbook.net/readfic/4541217
https://stories.everypony.ru/story/12282/
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YrtnBwcnYkxC-CR7Bli8oGYS5Xbr8o55lPQJ_IjO3OQ/edit?usp=sharing

Published 2014-02-21 06:10:08 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-02 17:35:24 UTC

Wear Flowers In Your Mane

"Shit! I still can't believe this is for real... fuck! I must be trippin', man!"

Despite everything he had seen so far, Carl was definitely unwilling to simply accept the fact that he had really ended up in another dimension. It couldn't be real... so many things were wrong with this. But if it were real... why him? Why now?
Why a dimension full of cartoon horses?

Why?

So many questions he knew he would never get an answer to...

And the scariest thing? That little mint green unicorn.
Carl had met his fair share of crazy ass motherfuckers in his time. In fact, pretty much half of the people he ever met in his life fell under that category, but that pony... goddamn, that little aquamarine pony. It was like The Truth fucked and impregnated his astral goat Herbie while under near lethal doses of LSD, who then gave birth to Lyra, only to be raised by Catalina.
Or something.

And why did they all have a tramp stamp? Carl could understand why one would want a tattoo, the large AK-47 covering his upper back attested to that, but why the fuck would anyone, or anything, want three diamonds on their butt? Or a harp, for that matter?
Or was it a lyre? What the hell was that thing anyway? He had never heard that instrument on Radio Los Santos.

The colors seemed to complement their coats pretty nicely, though. Maybe a sense of fashion was to be expected from those weird, girly creatures.

Looking around him, Carl sighed for the umpteenth time since he woke up. A few of the most courageous ponies were back outside, while the vast majority of the townsfolk were still hiding. Some of them, however, were shyly peeking through their ajar doors, while others were pressing their muzzles against their closed windows. As much as he liked being the center of attention, he still felt uneasy. What if that Twilight Sparkle pony couldn't help him? Or worse, what if she didn't want to?

He wasn't a cold-blooded killer. He never had any problem killing those who stood in his way, but he never really took pleasure in it, either. And he never enjoyed having to murder innocent people.
Unless they were wearing purple.
Or yellow.

But then they weren't innocent.

He figured that as long as he kept calm, all these little ponies would eventually realize that he wasn't a threat to them. Or at least, he hoped so. But what if they were racist? Or worse, xenophobic?
After all, he wasn't simply a member of another species to them. He was an alien. Straight from another dimension and everything. Being nearly twice as tall as most of them probably didn't help, either.

Standing in front of the large tree Lyra had directed him towards, Carl took a deep breath and knocked on the door. While he waited, he checked his phone, as if network coverage could have magically returned... obviously, it hadn't.
A purple mare with a horn and strange pink streaks in her purple mane opened the door.

"Um, hello? May I help you?" Twilight Sparkle asked, raising an eyebrow as she looked up at the tall, foreign creature.

"Oh, uh, yeah. 'Sup?"

Smooth, Carl. Real smooth.

"Uh... who are you? And what are you?" the lavender mare asked, her horn glowing as she cast a basic force field spell around her (surprisingly) slender body. 'Better safe than sorry', she thought.

"Shit, she was for real, you ain't scared!" Carl exclaimed, a slight glimmer of hope flashing in his eyes as he realized that maybe, not all was lost for him.
Maybe.

Not yet.

"Should I be?"

"Nah, nah! I ain't gonna hurt you. Look, I, uh..." he trailed off, his eyes wandering on her. "Shit! Why you have to be purple, man?"

"Excuse me?" she inquired, frowning. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Well, uh... Nothin'. Look. I need to get back home, alright? And that Lyra girl over there, she said you could help me," he said, pointing a finger behind him. "That right?"

"Back home? Where are you from? And for Celestia's sake, what are you?"

"The name's Carl Johnson," he said smugly, crossing his arms. "I guess you can call me CJ. And I'm a Grove Street OG."

"Alright... okay, listen Mister Johnson, I don't understand what you're trying to tell me," Twilight brushed a strand of mane out of her face with a hoof, and looked at Carl's face. He seemed confused, possibly even more so than her, and she couldn't detect the slightest trace of magical energy in his body. "But why don't you come in? You can explain me everything," she said, smiling as she beckoned him with a hoof.

Carl shrugged and followed her inside the tree turned library turned house, ducking under the door frame. 'Damn, Ryder would have looked tall next to these midget fucks,' he thought, stifling a laugh. The purple mare took a seat and motioned for him to sit in front of her, which he did after nearly falling off the (way too small) chair, and after nearly doing so a second time upon hearing a young voice coming from the stairs.

"Twilight! You forgot your pills again!"

"Spike, I-"

"You know your body can't regulate its intestinal transit on its own, damn it! And now, tomorrow I'm gonna have to clean your... oh my sweet Celestia, what is that thing?" the little dragon stopped two steps away from the ground, staring at Carl in fear.

"What the fuck, man? Another purple nigga up in here? This Balla turf or what?" Carl nearly screamed in disbelief.

"And it can talk? Twilight, help!" Spike screamed, climbing back up the stairs.

"Spike, calm down!" the mare said, casting a small force field around both her and her number one assistant. "This is Carl, and he's not from around here... and he seems to be lost. Carl, this is Spike, my assistant."

"Number one assistant," the little reptile added smugly, probably trying to look tough or something. Maybe it would have worked if he weren't two feet tall or something.

Staring wide-eyed and slack-jawed, Carl closed his mouth when he realized a strand of saliva had found its way inside his goatee. "Shit! You's a dragon?"

"Yep!" Spike answered proudly with a large grin.

Looking back at Twilight, he saw her chuckling silently. "What's happenin', man? Why you two be glowin' purple? And how many of 'em weird ass creatures y'all have in this country? Damn, this some crazy shit!"

"Well, Carl... you don't mind if I call you Carl, do you?" she asked, and taking his lack of reaction as a 'no', she continued. "We have many different species here in Equestria. I have never seen anything like you, so I assume you come from a very distant land, but here we have ponies, griffons, dragons... lots of creatures living in harmony. Well, most of the time."

Scared changelings, bored buffalos from the Midwest... This land is like a big Üder Milken ice cream shop. Thirty-six flavors of ponies!

"Yeah, yeah, I guess. Look, you better back off a lil' bit, alright? That purple shit's making me nervous."

"Purple... oh, you mean, magic?" she asked, lowering the force field around her. "That was just for, um, safety purposes. You're not seriously trying to tell me that you never saw unicorn magic... right, Carl?"

Bringing a hand to his chin, the young man started stroking his goatee as he blinked three times rapidly. "Magic? Hell no, I ain't never seen no magic. See, where I'm from, magic ain't no thing. It don't exist, y'know? Ain't no damn pony talking or flying, either, and unicorns don't exist. I think this an alternate dimension or something... yo, you ever heard of San Andreas?"

"Don't be silly, Carl. There's no such thing as an alternate dimension. Equis is a very large planet, you must simply come from foreign lands... I have never heard of San Andreas, though. Where is it, exactly?"

"I don't know what the fuck Equis is, but my planet's called Earth. And San Andreas is a state in North America. I don't suppose you horses know anything about that shit?"

Levitating a slowly forming bead of sweat off her forehead and into her mouth (because fuck paying for salt licks, she's a resourceful mare), Twilight looked at Spike. "Spike, can you go and make us some tea, please?"

"Yeah, yeah... sure," the poor little dragon said as he walked into the kitchen, muttering something about how he was tired of being enslaved by hooved females with petty fucking needs, and how he would raise hell in a couple of hundred years.
They would all be dead already anyway, but still.

Ignoring him, Twilight turned her gaze back to the human sitting in front of her. "I have never heard of all those places... but this can't be. You can't be from another dimension! You're a... um, what are you, again?"

"I'm a human."

"A human... no. No, no, no! This can't be happening!"

"That's what I been sayin' since I woke up in that huge ass forest, dude! But this shit looks real to me. Whatever's happenin', it's for real and I'mma need yo' help, a'ight? I can't be stayin' in this crazy ass land, y'know? Ain't no place for a nigga, man."

"What's a nigga?" Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow.

Carl sighed. "It's nothin'. Yo, look, it don't matter. That Lyra girl said you could help me get back to LS."

"Ellis?"

"Man, fuck! Los Santos... that's just some place where I'm from. My home town."

"You don't have to use such foul language all the time, Carl, you know? It won't get you anywhere in life," Twilight scowled him.

"Get me anywhere?" Carl smirked. "Bitch, I rule the fucking streets! Ain't no damn three feet tall horse gon' tell me what the fuck to do! Shit, I thought you said you was gonna help me, but if you ain't, I'm outta here. You ain't my goddamn mom."

"I didn't say I would help you... since I don't know whether or not I can," she said angrily, purple sparks spouting from her horn. "But you don't rule anything here in Equestria, so I suggest you calm down right now, or I will have to calm you down myself!"

"Oh yeah? And what you gonna do, man? WATCHU GON' DO?" Carl shouted defiantly, spittle hitting Twilight in the face as he got up and slammed his fists onto the wooden table, breaking it in half in the process.

"THIS IS WHAT I'M GOING TO DO, YOU FREAK!" the enraged unicorn screamed, jumping on the half table and firing a beam of light at him.

Twilight Sparkle watched in horror as her sedating spell harmlessly ricocheted off the human's chest, and crashed into a nearby bookshelf, setting a few books on fire. "Spike! SPIKE! Quick, a fire extinguisher!" she shrieked, galloping in circles and knocking random things off tables and shelves.

Before he could even comprehend what the hell had just happened, Carl's mind somehow dictated him to walk up to the burning shelf. He grabbed the three flaming books and placed them on the ground before stomping on them repeatedly, putting the fire out in a few seconds. As easy as it was, he was glad that he had been a firefighter in the past, being fireproof could have been useful had the situation escalated.

He glared at Twilight, his expression somewhere in between 'what did you say, bitch nigga?' and 'yo, you right, dawg, this is stupid, let's put the guns away and go on about our business'.
Before either of them could say anything, a flash of light coming from outside blinded them, followed by the telltale sound of a wooden door creaking open.

A tall white mare with a flowing, multicolor mane was standing in the doorway, a solemn look upon her face. She was much larger than Twilight or Lyra, or any other creature Carl had seen so far, for that matter. Except maybe the weirdo's bear... Her horn was huge, sharp as a sword and nearly two feet in length, and her large wings were neatly folded against her slender frame, glistening in the sunlight.
She was the definition of graceful.

Her dark magenta eyes gazed upon her faithful student, and the tall ape-like creature standing on a pile of burned paper, as a small smirk formed at the corner of her mouth.

"P-Princess... Princess Celestia!" Twilight shouted, quickly trotting up to her mentor, nuzzling her armored chest with her head.

"My faithful student," Celestia started, her eyes focusing on Carl, "I am glad to see that the human sought shelter from you. Who knows what some other ponies could have done to him..." she trailed off, thoughts of the Apple family crossing her mind.

'Roll him in some pig shit and beat 'im down, that's all he's good for!'

A shiver ran through her body as she imagined Applejack's screams as her brother charged towards the young human, a pitchfork in his mouth. Yeah, that was definitely a good thing that he didn't end up wandering on the Apple family's property.

Twilight was giving her mentor a confused look. "What do you mean, Princess? Did you know about his arrival in Equestria?"

"No! Of course not." Celestia said a little too loud, a bead of sweat forming under her crown. "I uh, just knew that another, um... creature, had arrived earlier today... it is my job to make sure Equestria is safe, after all."
'Well, one of my jobs,' she thought.

Carl, who had remained silent until then, stepped up to the Princess of the Sun, and looked down at her. Her gaze was shifting uneasily, and although she would never admit it, to her, there was something deeply unsettling about having to look up when conversing with another sentient being.

"Damn! You a horse, man!"

"Excuse me?"

"Well, I mean, look at you! You're like, two feet taller than the others! They're ponies, ain't they? That makes you a horse."

Celestia smiled weakly and cleared her throat. "Mister, um... what is your name?"

Twilight chimed in. "It's Carl, Princess. Carl Johnson."

"Very well, Carl. I am Princess Celestia, I am the ruler of Equestria. And I am a pony."

"No way, dude, you're a horse. And how you be rulin' shit if you just a princess? I thought only kings and queens could rule over a kingdom."

"Carl, I am going to have to ask you to stay calm, and remain quiet. It will only take a second." Celestia said, readying a mind-reading spell.

"Princess, I don't think that's a-" the purple unicorn was cut off as her teacher glared at her.

"Be quiet, Twilight. I know exactly what I am doing."

A bright yellow beam of light shot from the white alicorn's horn, passing through Carl's chest and dissipating into the air a few feet behind him. Her face dropped as Carl glared at her strangely, completely unfazed.

"Yo, that was some nice fireworks, baby! But damn, this magic thing is some freaky shit. For real."

Ignoring Carl's comments, the princess stepped outside, motioning for Twilight to follow her. When both mares were outside, the door closed seemingly on its own, the handle glowing faint yellow.

'Shit... I gotta find a way outta here!' Carl thought. He wasn't really scared by the white pony's strange behavior, but things were clearly not looking up for him. He had always thought Rollin' Heights turf was the worst place he could ever find himself in, but so far Equestria was having him reconsider.

He lazily walked up to the window and watched as the two ponies talked to each other, wondering what they could be talking about.

"I couldn't even grasp him! My magic energy just went right through him, as if he weren't even there..."

"I know, Princess! I used a tranquilizing spell on him, it just ricocheted right off him! He seems to be immune to magic... do you understand what that means?"

While Twilight had a large smile on her face from the prospects of having a sentient being immune to magic to experiment on, Celestia seemed a little unnerved, if not downright pissed off.

Without magic, how would she manage to get him to-... er, how would she manage to protect her subjects from him? Yeah, that's what she meant. It is her job to protect her subjects, after all. Right?

"Yes, Twilight Sparkle. I understand perfectly what that means... now if you'll excuse me, I must return to Canterlot, for I have some business to attend to. Farewell, my little pony." Before Twilight could answer, the alicorn spread her wings, ready to take off when the sound of a door opening interrupted her.

"Hey, wait up, damn it! Y'all gonna tell me what the fuck I'm here for or what? I know you're a princess and you have shit to take care of and all, but you ain't the only one, man! My homies down in LS! And my fucking 'hood, man! I gotta go back where I belong, them Balla motherfuckers ain't gonna pop themselves! Ain't no punk ass crack dealer gonna be waitin' for me, either! The homies is still weak from all that base bein' pushed up in their faces for so long!"

"Carl," Celestia spoke solemnly, although with a hint of resentment in her voice, "I understand your situation, but there is nothing I can do to send you back to your home world..." she looked back at Twilight, flashing her a smile, before whispering into the man's ear, "even if I wanted to."

"Princess," the young unicorn inquired, "why are you acting so... strangely?".

"Am I? Oh... yes, maybe. I am, um... I haven't slept well in a few days. We are having some, um, territorial issues. Problems with the griffons, you know how it is... Things are, um, well, you know how griffons are... I must admit, I am a little preoccupied, perhaps a bit more than I should be. And Luna is giving me some trouble, as well. Something about how Moon rocks were better than her current bed, and things like that... but do not worry, I will be back to my usual self in no time."

"The griffons?" Twilight raised an eyebrow. "But I thought they-"

"Farewell, Twilight Sparkle," Celestia said quickly before teleporting away.

"What the hell was that, man? That white bitch is crazy! She always like that, or is it because of those gray phone things, or whatever the fuck they're called?"

"How dare you insult Princess Celestia?" Twilight screamed, getting up on her hind legs and pressing her front hooves against Carl's stomach.

"Hey, chill, man! I'm just sayin', she wasn't actin' normal, that's all."

Twilight eyed him carefully, before calming down a bit and shrugging, dropping back on all fours. "And how would you know how she normally acts? You don't even know her!"

"No... but yo' ass is trustin' her, right? And you seem to be an alright girl, even though you got some issues. You a lil' fucked up but maybe that's 'cause you got a tall ass alien askin' you for help and shit. You wouldn't be holdin' no respect for her ass if she was behavin' like that all the time. Besides, I know when motherfuckers are up to something... I'm telling you, Sparks, her ass is definitely schemin' some shit."

"...Sparks?" the lavender mare asked, bewildered, unable to even start processing the rest of what Carl said. And what was with his obsession with donkeys?

"Look, if I'm stuck here, I ain't lettin' no bitch ass horse fuck with y'all. If she ain't helpin', then you still my best and only chance at ever goin' back. I'm gonna go to that Ken-a-Lot place and investigate a lil' bit."

"Canterlot," she corrected.

"Whatever. You in?"

"Carl, I... No! I'm not in! You don't know what you're talking about, Princess Celestia is a kind and fair pony, she would never be plotting anything."

"Man, do you ever get outta your damn tree? Shit, you'd need a good lil' trip in the ghetto, teachin' you to keep it real... I don't care if this Equestria place looks like it's comin' from a lil' girl's dream, it can't be all sunshine and rainbows and shit!"

"Well, no, but we have the Elements of Harmony, Carl! Whenever there is a threat to Equestria, me and my friends are always there to save the day!" Twilight said proudly, puffing her fluffy chest out.

"The Elements of- man, fuck this shit. I ain't even gonna tryna understand what you be talkin' 'bout. All I'm sayin' is, you trust her, so if she's the threat, you won't do shit. Ain't nothin' gon' stop her."

"For the last time, Princess Celestia is not a threat! And the next time you disrespect her, I will-" she was cut off as Carl grabbed her by the horn, bringing her up to his eye level.

Damn, why were these horns so... enticing?
Wait. What the fuck did he just say?
Think?

"What you gon' do now? Set more shit on fire?" the young man asked, smirking. "Nah, I think you should introduce me to your friends instead. They saved the world and shit? Maybe they keep it real. You? Right now, you wouldn't know real if it came and hit you between yo' cheeks."

"Let go off me, you brute!"

"Whatever you say." Carl dropped the purple pony, a look of determination on his face. "I'mma go meet yo' friends. Where they at?"

Her horn glowing brightly as she was about to smack him with a chair, Twilight suddenly stopped, a thought crossing her mind. "Maybe you should try to go see Applejack. She would love you."

"That sounds good, where she at?"

"Sweet Apple Acres. It's a farm not far from here. Just walk forward, and you will end up on a dirt track. Make a right whenever you can, and the farm will be straight ahead. You will recognize Applejack easily, she's an orange Earth pony with a blonde mane and a brown hat. She'll probably be out in the orchard, bucking trees."

"Orange, blonde, brown... aw, goddamn! She the one who got shat on by a bird horse?"

"What?"

"Nothin'. I'mma go see her, I guess. I'll catch up with yo' ass later, Sparks." Carl said as he turned around, only to be interrupted by Spike, who had a cup of tea in each 'hand'. "Tea? You for real, kid?" he asked, grabbing his cup nonetheless as the other was caught in a lavender aura, and levitated behind him.

"Well, I'm sorry, um... Carl, is that it?" Spike inquired.

"Jeah. Carl Johnson."

"Well mister Carl, I personally prefer more, um..." the little dragon trailed off, glancing around nervously. "I prefer manlier drinks, you know?"

"Oh yeah? Manly drinks, huh? Like what?"

"Um... black coffee? No sugar?"

"Coffee? Shit, man. Coffee's alright and all, but that's the idea of manliness to you?"

"Uh... I don't know... I mean, yes! It's manly! Isn't it? What do you drink where you come from?"

"We have lots of things to drink... hey, you don't have beer, do you?"

"Actually we do, but..." Spike trailed off as he sighed, starting to hover a few inches off the ground, a purple glow surrounding his small body.

"Carl, it's time to go. Spike, leave him alone. He has to go... now."

"Yes, Twilight..."

Freeing the young dragon from his tormentor's magical clutches, Carl tucked him under his arm and gave the purple mare a disapproving look. "What's wrong with you, man? Why you ain't lettin' the lil' guy do what he wants? We just talkin', we ain't doin' nothin' bad."

Sighing in exasperation, Twilight was trying her best to remain calm, and somewhat composed. "He is young, and he shouldn't be talking to the likes of you."

"He a fucking dragon! He shouldn't be takin' orders from a purple midget horse, is what he shouldn't be doin'! So let us talk, alright? We ain't doin' nothin' bad, c'mon! I'm just askin' him a few things! Fuck, man! It ain't everyday I get to meet a fucking dragon, yo!"

'And it's a good thing, because your ass would be toast,' she thought, feeling nothing but disdain for the young man and his attitude.

Carl kneeled down, putting the young dragon back on the ground and patting his head. "So, lil' guy, what's yo' name again?"

"Spike."

"Spike, huh? That's a cool name I guess... Hey yo, man, can you breathe fire?"

"Uh... well, yes. But um... not quite like an adult dragon."

"What's that mean? I ain't never seen no adult dragon, so I wouldn't know the difference."

"Well, I can, uh... I can send letters to the princess."

Carl raised an eyebrow and stroked his goatee. "What's that gotta do with anything?"

"When I breathe a small flame on a letter, it gets sent to the princess! Isn't that cool?"

"Huh... yeah, whatever, I guess. So, you some kind of magical mailman or some shit?" Carl asked, taking a sip of his tea. Damn, that shit wasn't half bad.

"Heh, I suppose you could say that."

"Who'd wanna write to the princess, anyway?"

"Twilight and her friends, mostly..." the little lizard trailed off, looking into Twilight's hate-filled eyes. "Um, exclusively."

Carl chuckled as an idea popped in his head, a smirk forming on his face. "I see... hey Spike, think could you send her a letter from me?"

555 Sun Butt

Princess Celestia was comfortably lying on her bed as she levitated a cup of tea to her mouth. She sighed happily as she took a long sip of the warm liquid, turning yet another page of the romance novel she was reading. She couldn't help but feel a dull, aching sensation setting in her stomach. After all, when was the last time she had been with another pony? At least a century ago... besides the obvious fact that her duties as a ruler didn't leave her with much free time, she was also hard-pressed to find a potential mate who wasn't intimidated, if not scared shitless by her mere presence.

The telltale sound of a letter appearing in a puff of green smoke startled the white alicorn as she jerked her head towards the scroll, barely catching it with her magic before it landed on her pillow.
Nothing touches her gorgeous King Sombra-themed pillow. Nothing.

Unfolding the letter, she raised an eyebrow as she read the first line.

Yo princess, wat up? This yo' boy Carl.

'My boy?' she thought, raising her second eyebrow even higher than the first one, regardless of the fact ponies didn't even have eyebrows to begin with.

Now look, girl. I don't know what you be up to, and I don't give a shit, but I'mma tell you right now, I ain't gonna let you fuck with me. All your cracker ass is gon' do is either send me back to where I'm from, or nothin' at all. You feel me?

The Princess of the Sun let out a small chuckle, mildly amused by Carl's rebel attitude. It somewhat reminded her of her sister's, about a thousand and two hundred years ago. She kept on reading, taking another sip of her tea.

I ain't tryna threaten you or nothin', but as a fellow leader and businesshorse, I'm gonna assume that you know what it's like to have duties and shit. So I hope you'll understand that I must go back to where I'm from, and make sure the homies can keep 'em yay-slangin' punks from fucking up my streets.

Celestia used her magic to create a third eyebrow, and raised it. Homies? Yay-slanging punks? His streets?
...Businesshorse?

While my ass is stuck here, I suggest you don't try no funny shit. I saw the way you looked at me, and I know you think I'm a threat to yo' ass, but I'mma tell you, I ain't never fucked with a nigga who didn't have it comin' to 'em. You know what I'm sayin', player?

PS: This is Spike. I'm sorry Princess, but I think Carl is angry about something. He won't allow me to sign, either. He keeps saying that he's not your subject, and that he will never be faithful to anything or anyone except 'the 'hood' and 'his homies'. I don't even know what that means.

She dropped the scroll as her gaze shifted around uneasily. What was that human talking about? His language, his reactions... and he had only seen her for a couple of minutes at best! Surely, he couldn't be onto her already... could he?
Even if he had the wrong idea, Celestia wouldn't allow him to think that... she... no.
Not just yet.

"Thanks, Spike. You's a playa's right hand, dude." Carl said, downing his beer in one go.

"Um, no problem, mister Carl. But I think you should go now, Twilight seems to be pretty angry with you..."

"Yeah... I guess I'mma go see this Rattleshack pony she was tellin' me about." the young man got up to his feet and turned around, ready to leave.

"It's Applejack." Spike corrected.

Looking back at the little dragon, Carl sighed. "Aw, man! I don't think I'll ever get one of y'all's names right. These some strange names... not at all like where I'm from."

Spike brought a claw to his chin and gave the human a questioning look. "What are human names like?"

"Well, there's my brother, his name's Sean, though everyone calls him Sweet. Then there's my sis', her name's Kendall. My mom's name was Beverly, and my other brother's was Brian, but..." he trailed off, staring blankly at a wall nearby. With all the shit he had to go through these past few months, he hadn't even taken the time to think about the death of two of his closest family members. "And there was my two best homeboys, Melvin and Lance. I had to kill 'em, man! They betrayed me an' my brother, but shit... we was like family... fuck!"

"You... you killed sentient beings?"

Giving Spike a blank stare, Carl took a moment to consider that maybe, just maybe, creatures in this land weren't used to the idea of killing. At least not to solve your problems on a regular basis.

"Well, what was I gonna do, man? They betrayed me, they got my brother sent to jail and everything! They almost ruined the Grove, dude! The only way to deal with motherfuckers like 'em is to put a bullet through their brains, you know? I wish there was another way, I really do... but as life taught me, there ain't."

"That's... that's awful!" gagging at the thought, Spike looked away for a few seconds, before staring at Carl again. "What's a bullet?"

"Aw, shit! I knew it, I was afraid y'all wouldn't have any guns... damn it! Ah fuck it, it don't matter none. A'ight dog, I'm outta here. You watch yo' ass, you hear? I don't want that crazy purple bitch to give you shit 'cause you been helpin' a nigga, man."

Spike waved a 'hand' at Carl, deciding to simply ignore his strange language. But, did he just... help a nigga?
Whatever that meant, the young dragon felt proud.

Following the directions Twilight Sparkle had given him, the young man eventually found himself walking on a dirt path leading up a small hill. He was panting and sweating as he reached the top. The burning heat of San Andreas was something he had gotten used to in his early childhood, but the heat here was something else... looking up at the sky, it became clear why. The Sun here was either much larger, or much closer to the planet.

His gaze averting back to the 'road', Carl's jaw dropped at the sight of the giant apple orchard standing a few dozen yards ahead of him. He had seen similar things before, but never on such a scale... damn, this was truly breathtaking.

The young man walked towards a red building, which seemed to serve as a house for whoever owned this piece of land.

Even if he hadn't been mesmerized by the thousands of apple trees surrounding him, Carl would have remained unaware of the white alicorn zooming onto him, smiling as she watched his sweaty skin glisten in the intense sunlight. Sitting on her balcony in the comfort of her magical, outdoor air conditioning unit, Celestia stored her telescope away and looked at the Sun.

Her Sun.
From the highest tower in the majestic Canterlot castle, it looked even bigger... damn, she had really outdone herself this time.

Never could such a puny, cocky creature challenge her might. Sure, so far the human had proven to be surprisingly resourceful, but beyond his apparent immunity to magic, he was nothing more than a slightly more dangerous minotaur. Apart from being wonderful lovers due to their stamina, minotaurs were a pretty dull species. If Celestia wanted to wipe out every single minotaur from the face of the planet - her planet - it would take her roughly an afternoon.

So why was she even considering the fact that a simple human, lost in a land that he knew nothing about, could be enough of a threat to justify being monitored? It's not like she was checking him out or anything... well, of course she was, but that was beside the point. Why was she even bothering using her telescope?
He would soon come to her.

They all do.
Always.

She had barely started, anyway. It wasn't worth checking anything just yet... heh, maybe she could reply to his letter?
With a new, wonderful idea in her mind, the Solar ~~diarch~~ ~~monarch~~ Goddess walked back into her bedchamber with a small grin on her face.

"Hey, yo, ease up, man, damn! Can't we talk about this?"

"Eenope!"

Running as fast as he could, Carl shot a brief glance behind him, only to see the large red stallion still hot on his heels. As soon as he had entered the orchard itself, Big Mac popped out of nowhere and started chasing after him. After throwing a punch directly aimed at the stallion's muzzle, Carl had figured that running while rubbing his sore hand was his best option.

"C'mon, man! Shit! I swear, I wasn't tryna trespass on yo' property or nothin'! That Twilight Sparkle girl sent me, man! She said that some Applejack pony could help me or something!"

Realizing he couldn't hear the thundering sound of clopping hooves anymore, Carl looked behind him and saw his pursuer stopping in a large cloud of dust. Slowing down to a brisk walk, the young man eventually stopped as well, shooting a careful glance towards the red pony who was standing about seventy feet behind him, as emotionless as ever. Walking up to him, Carl raised his hands, trying not to look threatening.

Before he could say anything, Big Mac spoke. "Ya know Twilight?"

"Uh, yeah. See, I'm in some deep shit, and she told me about the Elements of Irony or whatever, and that I should go see Applejack, though I ain't sure why."
Yeah, better not outright tell ponies that he didn't trust Twilight and hoped her friends were less fucked up.

Big Mac's face contorted into something highly disturbing, apparently his best attempt at conveying a positive emotion. "Ya lookin' for mah sis'? Well, why didn't ya say so? C'mon, partner. I'll show ya the way."

'Man, I wish I had a strap,' Carl thought as he frowned, following the stallion all the way to a large red farmhouse, and into a barn.
As he was looking at the ground, making sure to stay out of bucking range, he heard his stomach grumble. Now that he thought about it, he hadn't had anything to eat since last night... and all these apples everywhere were making him salivate.

"Applejack! Somepony's lookin' for ya."

The country mare put down a large basket of apples and glanced at her older brother, and then at the large bipedal creature standing next to him.

"What in tarnation is that?"

"Ah don't know, but he said Twilight sent him to see ya."

"That... creature knows Twilight?"

"Eeyup," Mac shrugged as he walked out of the barn.

"Well..." Applejack started, trailing off as she trotted up to Carl, eyeing him carefully. "Ain't y'all a mighty strange sight..." she extended an uncertain hoof, which the human awkwardly shook with a hand.

"That's some fucking welcome, man! So what you can do for me? Twilight said you'd help."

"Hold on, partner. Ah don't know what y'all talkin' about. Ah ain't never seen nothin' like ya. What are ya? And what's yer name?"

"I'm a human. My name's Carl Johnson, but I guess you can call me CJ."

"Nice to meet y'all, CJ. Ah'm Applejack, but you can call me AJ."

"For real? Damn, it's good to meet someone who ain't too messed up."

Having no eyebrows, Applejack raised a freckle. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, so far I met that pony girl called Lyra or some', she some freaky girl, I'm tellin' you. And then I went to Twilight's, and she was even worse, tryna burn my ass with purple magic shit and enslavin' that lil' dragon fella an' everythin'."

"Ah don't really know what yer talkin' about. That don't sound like Twilight none. But anyway, yer lucky mah big brother didn't chase yer flank as soon as he saw ya..."

CJ deadpanned. "Motherfucker did. He stopped when I mentioned I was here to see you."

Applejack cocked her head.
'Motherfucker'? That didn't make any sense. She was pretty sure that her brother was still a virgin, and she was absolutely sure that he never had sex with their mother. After all, their parents passed way when Big Macintosh was still a young colt.

Deciding to put that thought aside for the time being, Applejack shook her head and gave Carl an awkward look. "Oh... well, Ah'm sorry 'bout that. Ya see, a few days ago, the princess came to Ponyville and told everypony to be careful, she said there might be some strange creature lurking around. That's y'all, ain't it?"

"I don't know, man! I don't know what's going on, I swear! I just like, appeared in the forest this mornin'! I got no memory of nothin'. I ain't even from this world. But if she was talkin' about me, then she knew in advance, and then that makes her the motherfucker who brought me here! But why'd she do that?"

"Ya think Princess Celestia is the reason for y'all bein' here?"

"I don't know... I don't know her, but the way she was lookin' at me..." Carl trailed off as his stomach rumbled once again, "I mean, when I was at Twilight's, she came and she was actin' all weird and shit, like she'd been expectin' me or some'. I'm pretty sure she's up to somethin', and it probably ain't no good for me."

Applejack stared at Carl's troubled expression for a while, before deciding a chance of subject might be in order. "Yer hungry?"

"Jeah... didn't eat nothin' since last night."

"Ah don't know what humans eat, but why don't you try one of 'em apples?" the country mare said, smiling as she threw Carl a large, ripe, bright red apple. "Ah'm sure they ain't that good where yer from."

He took a bite and closed his eyes. "Goddamn! This some good shit!"

"Was... was that a compliment?" Applejack asked, raising another freckle.

The human chuckled. "Yeah. Yeah, it was. This shit tastes natural. Where I'm from, everything's polluted and full of chemicals, y'know?"

"So listen now, why didn't ya ask the princess to help ya, if she was there when you visited Twilight?"

"I did!" Carl said, showering the orange pony in spittle, apple juice and apple seeds. "Bitch said she wouldn't help me, even if she could."

"What? Are you sure Princess Celestia really said that?" Applejack asked in disbelief, ignoring Carl's language and eating manners as she picked a few apple seeds off her mane. His eating manners were still better than Rainbow Dash's, anyway. "And what did Twilight say?"

"She didn't hear... I think. Celestia whispered that shit into my ear. Then after she was gone, I told Twilight she was up to somethin', but the bitch started trippin' and all. I'm tellin' you, she went like, 'What the fuck, nigger? She ain't no threat!', and then she started gettin' all pissed, and tryna burn my ass with her purple magic thing."

"Wait, wait! Yer trying to tell me that Princess Celestia is hiding somethin' from Twilight?"

"What? Nah, I didn't say that. I mean... shit, I don't know. All I know is, she was makin' up some poor ass excuses, and she disappeared when Twilight asked her what the fuck she was talkin' about," Carl answered, crossing his arms as he threw his apple core away.

"You talked about- hey!" Applejack scowled at him. "Don't ya waste 'em seeds like that, ya darn vermin!" she added, before sighing at his lack of reaction. "So, she whispered somethin' in yer ear, and you said she was actin' strange, right?"

"You a sharp motherfucker."

Ignoring his comment, Applejack frowned. "And she ignored Twilight's questions?"

"Yeah."

"Princess Celestia would never do that... maybe she's sick?"

"Look, I don't know, man... maybe I'm just bein' paranoid. You weren't even there anyway!"

"Ah'm the Element of Honesty, CJ. Ah don't need to be anywhere to tell when somepony's not bein' honest. If yer tellin' the truth, things could be bad... but why would the princess... ah, darn it. Ah just don't get it. Everythin' from the past few days just don't make no sense at all." she sighed, and her own stomach reminded her she had been working overtime, once again. "Speakin' of not makin' sense, why don't you follow me to Sugarcube Corner? We can get ya a real meal."

"I'm down with that," CJ replies as he leaned down and picked an apple seed off her nose. "Hey, you a cool lil' pony, y'know? For real."

Applejack didn't answer, instead lowering her hat to hide her blushing cheeks.

"So, Ah gotta warn ya. The mare who works here, she might be a lil' too much for ya to handle."

Carl raised an eyebrow, taking great pride in the fact that he was the only one with eyebrows around here. "What you mean?"

"Well, you'll see..." Applejack entered the giant gingerbread house, only to get a (predictable) faceful of pink.

"Heya Applejack!"

"Howdy Pinkie, how ya doin'?"

"Oh, I'm fine! But you should- oh, who is that? Oh, I know! I know! It's, uh... wait, don't say, don't say! I know... uh..."

Carl cocked his head before shrugging, extending a hand. "Name's Carl."

"Oh... I did not know. But it doesn't matter, mister Nemzkahr. Now we can be the bestest of friends! I'm friends with everypony in Ponyville, but even if you're not a pony, we're gonna be friends because I-"

"C'mon Pinkie, let him breathe. Yer gonna scare the poor fella," Applejack said as she jammed a hoof in Pinkie's mouth.

"Yeah, calm down, man, damn... I ain't never been friends with no pink pony, but there's a first time for everythin' I guess."

"Ah reckon y'all are courageous."

Carl stifled a laugh. "Is she always like that?"

"Yup. More or less." AJ said, smiling as she withdrew her hoof from Pinkie's maw. "Often more."

"-AND WE CAN THROW YOU A WELCOME TO PONYVILLE PARTY AND THEN WE-"

Once again silenced by an orange hoof stuck in her mouth, Pinkie seemed to be considering the fact that maybe, she should go easy on that tall creature thing. It wouldn't be fun, but she could always do something double fun later to make up for it.

"So, Pinkie, is that it?" Carl asked, trying not to panic at the thought that she could have been the first pony he'd met.

"Apfejfak, tfake your foof fout fof mfah mfoutffff!" Pinkie 'said', showering half of the room in saliva.

Complying, the country mare gave the human an apologetic smile. "Yer gonna love her bakin'."

"So, mister Nemz, what can I get you? What can I get you?"

Applejack facehoofed. "It's Carl, Pinkie."

"Okay, sorry mister Kahlpinky. What can I get you? How about some cupcakes?" the pink pony asked with an impossibly large grin.

Giving up on trying to understand that mare, Carl thought for a few seconds before shaking his head. "Nah, I don't want no cupcakes."

"Muffins?"

"Muffins again? Hell no."

"Well, what do you want, then?"

"Chicken, man. No discussion."

Everypony's eyes widened.

Pony Harvest

"Y-you... you eat meat?" Pinkie asked, backing up against a wall in an overly dramatic fashion.

Carl gave her a strange look. "Well, yeah. Humans are omnivores, we eat all kinds of shit. Why, you mean you ponies are like horses from my world? Like, you be eatin' only hay and grass and flowers or some other shit like that?"

"No!" the pink pony squealed. "B-but... but we don't eat meat! That's... that's just mean! You're a big, big meanie!"

"Hey yo, don't trip, man! It ain't my fault, y'know? Humans eat meat, that's all. I ain't eatin' nothing that I can hold a conversation with, so chill the fuck out, a'ight?"

"But, but, but... but that's... that's... b-but... I don't know what it is, but it is!"

"Pinkie, calm down, jeez. Ah reckon you didn't realize, but y'all have an alligator as a pet," Applejack said, adjusting her hat.

"But Gummy would never eat meat! He doesn't even have any teeth."

"He will when he grows up! And look at me, Pinkie. Ah have Winona. An' Rarity has Opalescence."

"So?" the pink pony inquired, a disturbing frown on her face. "They don't eat-"

"They do in the wild! They're our pets, we can make 'em eat what we want 'em to eat, but in the wild, cats and dogs are primarily carnivores."

For the first time in the history of Equestria, Pinkie Pie was immobile, silent and with a neutral expression upon her face.

"Yo, Apple's right, man. If y'all have pets, they'd be eatin' meat in the wild. At least if they anythin' like those we have on Earth. That don't matter none anyway, just gimme some' to eat." Carl said, patting his belly. Damn, he was hungry.

Still motionless, the party mare shot a careful glance at the tall, bloodthirsty ape thing. "Chocolate cake?"

"Shit yeah."

"That means yes," Applejack precised as she rolled her eyes.

Pinkie silently walked out of the room, and into the kitchen.

Applejack gave Carl a worried look. "Ah think Ah broke her."

The human shrugged, "Nah, she just trippin', is all."

"So, tell me CJ, what do ya reckon we should do if the princess is really up to somethin'?"

"You tell me, man! I don't know what she's like. She dangerous?"

Applejack considered his 'question'. When you're talking about a near immortal ruler who has the power to move a giant ball of plasma, dangerous clearly is an understatement. "Well, usually she's nice an' all, but... yeah. She could be pretty dangerous alright."

"Damn! And you ain't even packin'..."

"What does that-" Applejack was cut off by a scroll hitting her in the back of the head. Quickly turning around, she glanced at a table nearby. "What in tarnation? Whoever did that, I'mma whip yer flank somethin' fierce!"

Carl chuckled and put a hand on the country mare's withers. "Nah, you ain't doin' it right. Look, you wanna threaten some punk? I'mma show you how you do it." he said, taking a step forward and cracking his knuckles as his face contorted into his 'nigga moment' face, his pupils shrinking as he stared angrily at nothing and nopony in particular. "HEY YO! WHO THREW THAT? WHICH ONE O' Y'ALL DEAD MOTHERFUCKERS JUST THREW THAT SHIT?" he screamed, his glare focusing on a nearby stallion, "WAS IT YOU, STRING BEAN? YA SKINNY ASS LOOKIN' MOTHERFUCKER?"

The stallion fell off his 'chair' and tried to crawl away, only to find himself backed up against a wall.

"N-no! It wasn't me! I swear I just-"

"NOW YOU FUCKED UP!"

"CJ! What are ya doin'?"

The young man glanced back at Applejack. "NOW HE FUCKED UP!" he shouted, before turning back to face the stallion again. "NOW YOU FUCKED UP! YOU HAVE FUCKED UP NOW! NOW YOU FUCKED UP! NOW YOU FUCKED UP! NOW YOU-"

"Carl, would ya please be quiet?"

Frowning at the country mare, Carl cleared his throat and pointed a finger towards the frightened stallion. "COME ON, PUNK! YOU AN' ME, LET'S DO THE FUCKING THING! I'LL CRACK YO' MOTHERFUCKIN'-"

Carl froze up and turned around as he heard a muffled squeal coming from behind him. A yellow pony with small wings and long pink hair was standing in the door frame, her large teal eyes filled with terror.

Following Carl's gaze, Applejack's own eyes widened upon seeing Fluttershy. "Oh, darn it! Fluttershy, wait! He ain't gonna hurt ya!"

"I... I... HEEEEEELP!" the yellow pegasus screamed at the top of her lungs, which was only barely louder than a whisper. She ran away as quickly as she could, her wings flapping around frantically.

Carl looked at Applejack in apprehension. "Did I do some' I shouldn't have?"

Now he fucked up. He has fucked up now.

"Ya sure did. C'mon, we gotta go after her!"

"Why? You wanna fuck her up?"

"What? No! She's mah friend, and we need to tell her that yer no threat before she barricades herself in her cottage for a week straight!"

"Damn, man! Why they all trippin'? You the only normal pony around here or what?"

"Ah don't know! C'mon, follow me!"

After picking up the scroll, Carl ran out of Sugarcube Corner, struggling to keep up with Applejack. Was he out of shape, or was having four legs really such an advantage? Pinkie even called him 'big, big'.

I wouldn't go so far as to call the brother fat. I mean, he got a weight problem, what's a nigger gon' do?

"Fluttershy! Open up! Open the door, Ah swear, he ain't dangerous! We been talkin' an' all, he ain't from 'round these parts, is all."

Applejack rolled her eyes as she heard a muffled 'no'.

"So? She comin' out or what?"

"Ah don't think she is... y'all scared her somethin' fierce."

Carl stroked his goatee and sighed. "So what's the plan? What do we do now?"

"Ah don't know, Ah s'pose we could always wait until her animals need feedin'. No amount of fear will stop her from takin' care of 'em critters."

"What? You sayin' she the crazy bitch who keeps a bear in her backyard?"

Applejack winced as she looked away from the human. "Ah wouldn't call mah friend that, and Ah'd appreciate it if y'all could show some respect. But yes, she has a lot of animals, including a bear."

"Aw, shit, my bad. Look, I didn't mean to dis her or anythin', a'ight? That's just the way I talk, y'know?"

"Ah reckon so."

The young man looked up at the Sun for a few seconds. "Hm... so, you sayin' nothing will stop her from tendin' to her animals, right?"

"Yup. Why?"

"What's her name?"

"Fluttershy. Why? What are ya gonna-"

"FLUTTERSHY! C'MON OUT, GIRL! QUICK! IT'S YO' BEAR, MAN! I THINK THE MOTHERFUCKER'S DEAD!"

"CJ! WHAT IN TARNATION-"

"Shut the fuck up! You gonna ruin everything, for fuck's sake!"

"Don't you realize what you just-" Applejack was cut off by a very angry Fluttershy slamming her door open. The yellow pegasus flapped her wings and crossed her forehooves as she hovered a few feet in the air, scowling at Carl.

"I don't know if that's a joke where you come from, but that was not a nice thing to say. It would be a terrible, terrible thing if Harry died! I don't care who you are or what you are, but I will not allow you to be mean to my animals, or to my friends. Do you understand me, mister?"

The young man raised an eyebrow before chuckling, "Yeah, yeah, for sure. Whatever you say, girl."

Fluttershy dropped to the ground with a squeal as she realized that the human was immune to her signature stare. Before she could run back inside, he grabbed her by the tail and lifted her up to his eye level. "Eeeep! Let me go! I-if that's okay with you, I mean... Applejack, help! Please!"

Carl facepalmed with his free hand. "Wait! Hold up, man! What happened to friendship, nigga?"

"CJ, will ya tell me what in the hay is that nigga thing y'all keep talkin' about?"

Ignoring the country mare, he dropped Fluttershy to the ground, and kneeled down in front of her. "Look, I ain't gonna pop a cap in yo' ass or nothin', a'ight? I didn't mean to scare ya, you just walked in at a bad time, that's all. Applejack and I been talkin' for a while, she a cool girl. Said she was the Element of Honesty or somethin', right? If she says we cool, then we cool."

Applejack wrapped a hoof around Fluttershy's neck. "He's right, Fluttershy. He's a mighty strange fella, but Ah reckon he's alright in mah book."

Looking up at the human, Fluttershy quivered for a few seconds. "Um, I... I... I'm sorry. But please, don't be mean to my animals, mister!"

"I told you my bad, man. I was just tryna get you to come out so we could talk, y'know? We civilized people and shit. Ain't no point in hidin', if I had wanted to hurt ya, yo' ass would be dead already."

"T-that's, um... that's reassuring."

"Yeah, sure is," Carl chuckled. "Wait, what did I pick up that scroll for?" he asked rhetorically.

"The scroll somepony threw at me?" Applejack asked, raising her third freckle for today, and making a mental note to ask Twilight Sparkle for a freckle duplicating potion.

"Jeah," Carl replied flatly, unfurling the scroll and cocking his head in confusion. "What's up with that shit now?"

"What is it, CJ?" the orange pony asked.

"It looks like... well, it has your name on it, so why don't you read it yourself?"

Grabbing the scroll from Carl's hands, her last three freckles raised themselves instantly as she read the first line out loud.

Applejack. O Applejack. You are the Apple of my eyes.

"What in tarnation?"

"'The fuck?"

"Oh my..."

She kept reading.

You are my muse. You are my jewel. A magnifique jewel, with three shining rubies adorning your already glorious flanks. I cannot hold it any longer, my dear Applejack. I want you. I need you. All for myself.

Her whole face was red, and sweat was rolling down the sides of her head. Ignoring the disturbed faces of Carl and Fluttershy, she finished reading.

Please, meet me tonight at eleven o'clock sharp, in the alley behind Sugarcube Corner. Come alone.

"Shit, girl! Sounds like you're gon' get some horse cock tonight!" Carl said before laughing out loud.

"Carl!" Applejack shouted angrily, her blush deepening even further. "Don't... don't ya dare talk like that!"

"C'mon, don't start trippin', man. Obviously, you have a secret admirer... I mean, you ain't happy? Shit, I'd be happy. You got someone who totally wants you, man! Ain't that shit exciting?" Carl 'asked', waving an arm around to emphasize his point. Even back then, when Catalina had declared her 'love' for him (while holding him at gunpoint), he was excited. Admittedly, it was more 'I'm gonna shit my fucking pants' excited than 'hell yeah, motherfucker' excited, but still.

"Nope," she replied in a neutral tone. The kind of blasé tone that can only come naturally to someone who hasn't given a fuck in a long time, both literally and figuratively. "It's creepy, is what it is," she added matter-of-factly.

"Aw, c'mon! When's the last time you got laid, man?"

"Laid? Uh... Ah slept last night. Why?"

"What? Nah, I'm askin' you when was the last time you had some fun, y'know? Rolled in the hay and everything?"

"Why would Ah go an' do that? We don't play with food 'round these parts."

Carl gave her a deadpan glare. "Goddamn."

"What? Ah don't know what yer talkin' about, CJ!"

"Look, if you scared, I can come with you."

True to her Element, Applejack found herself unable to hide the fact she was, in fact, considering going to the 'meeting'. She looked at Carl sheepishly, and sighed, "Ah'm not too confident, Ah'll admit that much, but look, CJ, Ah appreciate it an 'all, but it says Ah have to come alone."

"Oh yeah? Well, that's too fuckin' bad for 'em then, 'cause my ass is comin' with you whether they want it or not."

"But, that's not-" she was interrupted by Fluttershy tapping her on the shoulder. "What is it, Fluttershy?"

"Um, there's a, um... a scroll."

"No shit?" Carl deadpanned.

"No, I mean, um, it just appeared. You know, a letter from the princess, I think."

Grabbing the letter from Fluttershy's hooves, Carl opened it and unfolded it before either mare could react, "Damn! Bitch is fast!"

"What?" both ponies asked in unison.

"I had Spike send Celestia a letter earlier today. She already replied. You want me to read it out loud?"

"Sure, if ya want. It's yer business, partner."

"Um, i-if that's okay with you."

Dear Carl. I do not know why you would believe I am 'up to something', but rest assured that I certainely am not.

While I do have business to take care of, and I admit that it does not necessarily leave me with much free time to solve every single problem my subjects may be burdened with, why you are here is beyond even my knowledge, therefore I am unable to help you.
I promise you that I will look into it, but as of now, you are effectively stranded in Equestria, which makes you one of my subjects. Therefore it would be wise to consider changing your behavior accordingly.

I have arranged a meeting for us. Twilight Sparkle will come along and ensure that you find your way around Canterlot. She will also keep you safe, and grant you easy access to the castle. I am expecting the two of you tomorrow at three o'clock in the afternoon.
I must admit that I am most interested in learning about certain aspects of human culture.

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria.

PS: You think you're hot shit? Why don't you tell that hillbilly bitch that she's old enough to get some pussy on her own? So instead of watching Rarity tie her up and ravage her cunt with a double dragon dildo, you can just take the train to Canterlot tonight and come at me? Fight me IRL, you cheeky little bugger! I'm the sickest pone you'll ever meet, I'll wreck you. I'll go get me sister's Alicorn Amulet and see if that gets you the fuck outta Ponyville, you daft cunt! I swear on me mom, I'll hoof you in the gabber mate!

Both Fluttershy and Applejack were looking at Carl with their eyes widened and their mouths hanging. "W-what... what did ya just say? Carl, yer a darn, disgusting pervert! The princess would never write... this!" the orange mare nearly screamed.

Carl shrugged, unimpressed and unafraid. He showed Applejack the letter.

"Ah knew it! There's no postscript on this here letter, Carl. Why are ya lyin'? Why are ya sayin' these things? And ya think Rarity's the one who's admirin' me? Yer sick in the head!"

"Who the fuck is Rarity? And what the fuck are you talkin' about, man? Look at this shit!" he said, putting a finger on the red post scriptum, contrasting sharply with the black ink used for the rest of the letter. "Just fucking read it, man! What's the matter with you, you can't read?"

She glared angrily at him. "Ah can read... but that's blank paper, CJ! Whatever it is yer playin' at, Ah don't like it one bit."

"Blank paper? What the fuck, man... shit, you can't see 'em big ass red letters right here?" he asked in desperation.

"Um..." Fluttershy raised a hoof.

"Red letters? Yer an awful liar... there ain't no such thing as red ink!" Applejack said angrily, still frowning hard at Carl, who was starting to feel uneasy.

Clearing her throat, the shy mare glared at her orange friend.

"What is it, Fluttershy?"

"Well, I, um... I remember one day, I was having a picnic with Twilight, and we were talking about books. And there was that book she showed me, a special spell book meant to be handled by unicorns only. Something about how dangerous it could if it were to fall in the hands of non-ponies or something... and it appeared blank to the both of us, but then, she used a spell on it, and text suddenly appeared. She explained to me that it was written with a special kind of magical ink that becomes invisible once it has dried up. She showed me a bottle of that ink, and, um... it was red... if I remember it correctly."

Carl snapped his fingers. "Hey, that's it! You right, man! That's what Twilight and Celestia were talkin' about! They were sayin' I was immune to their magic power thing or somethin'! So that must mean I can see invisible shit y'all can't see 'cause magic affects you! Damn, this is cool."

The young man looked around and smiled at Fluttershy, who didn't seem too scared of him anymore. Now that he was starting to get used to this place, it was clear that it would be pretty easy to take over this land, as well. But then, most ponies seem nice and peaceful, there are no gangs, no guns, no rides... Carl wasn't sure whether he really wanted to disturb the nearly tangible harmony, or even become the leader of those ~~streets~~ dirt paths.

"Glad I could be of help, mister." Fluttershy said shyly, squeeing as CJ started to pet her.

Applejack frowned even harder, but her frown was no longer directed at Carl. Even though her death glare was no match for the gigantic ball of plasma, she kept staring at the (much larger than usual) Sun. "Ah don't know what yer up to, Princess..." she trailed off, catching a glimpse of Fluttershy happily leaning into her new human friend, who was smiling and running a hand through her mane, "but ya better reconsider, 'cause Ah don't think ya know what yer up against..."

She stared back at the Sun, a smirk slowly forming at the corner of her mouth. The camera zoomed on it, before fading to black as an ominous instrumental jingle played in the background.

A little circle appeared in the black void, Applejack's muzzle sticking through it. "Hey, wait! That means... Rarity... she wants me an' her to...? Oh, horseapples!" she sighed as she withdrew her muzzle, allowing the chapter to end for real this time.

Author's Note

So many subplots, so little time... They'll all be addressed, though (not... maybe? heh, who the fuck knows).
This story is gonna get about 69% more random.

You've Had Your Ships

Carl woke up in the middle of a barn, lying down in a large stack of hay. He stretched his body and yawned as his joints popped loudly. Applejack had been kind enough to let him sleep in her family's barn, but Carl didn't really want to think about the orange pony. Not right now.
Not after what he had been forced to witness last night.

As if on cue, Applejack knocked on the barn door. "CJ! Y'all awake in here?"

Groaning, Carl got up and put on his shirt. "Yeah, yeah. Wassup?"

The door slowly creaked open as an orange face appeared. "How ya doin', partner?"

"Fine. 'Sup with you? You gonna be walkin' funny or what?"

The country mare blushed, attempting to hide behind her hat, à la Fluttershy. "CJ! Rarity's a lady! We ain't been doin' anything that ain't ladylike, alright? We did nothin' of the kind yer thinkin' of."

The young man mildly chuckled as he grabbed an apple Applejack threw at him, biting into it hungrily. "I was there, remember? I saw y'all suckin' each other's faces and shit. I don't wanna know what the fuck you did after that, it ain't none of my business, but fuck! I saw and did some serious shit in my time, but this shit? Damn, man! This was some fucking unladylike, repugnant shit."

"We didn't go any further than that," she said quietly, her eyes shifting around, "sadly."

Carl put his hands up. "Yo, yo, I don't wanna know, okay? For real. What you be doin' with other female ponies truly ain't some' I wanna hear."

"Female ponies are called mares."

"Oh. Well, what we doin' today? Goin' to that Twilight girl an' shit?"

Applejack sighed. "Yup. Ah think yer supposed to meet Princess Celestia this afternoon."

"You comin'?"

"Ah... Ah don't think Ah'm invited." she glared at Carl as she suddenly remembered how lonely she felt at times. Her work usually prevented her from having a busy social life, although hopefully, Rarity would help with that from now on...

"So what? The letter said the castle was in another city. You need an invitation to go there?"

"No, but-"

"No buts, man! You comin' with us, that's all. Look, you the only normal pony in this damn town! I'mma need you by my side, AJ. For real."

Applejack blushed again, though for a different reason this time. "Well CJ, Ah... ah, screw it. Ah'm comin' with y'all."

Carl smiled. "Jeah!" he said, motioning to the door with his head. "Let's go, bitch!"

"Thank you, Applejack. You can go now," Twilight Sparkle said, ready to close the door on the orange pony. "I will take care of our... friend, here." she added, motioning to Carl and attempting to hide her disgust.

"Negative, Twi! Ah'm comin' too."

"What? But the letter did not mention that-"

"Ah don't care. Ah don't need to be mentioned on a letter to take the train to Canterlot. Ah'm comin', and that's final."

"Alright, alright... calm down." the purple unicorn paced around, grabbing various things with her magic and periodically crossing stuff off her seven feet long checklist.

Carl raised an eyebrow at the sheer amount of stuff Twilight was packing up for a few hours in a city that, as far as he knew, was no farther than a couple of miles away. "Why you takin' all that stuff, man? We only gonna be stayin' for a couple hours, right?"

Twilight's left eye started to twitch. "Yes! Yes. We are. We are only gonna be staying for a few hours. Right." she spoke really fast, before going back to her 'preparations'.

Carl rolled his eyes and looked at Applejack. "Thank fuck you here, man... they all trippin', I swear."

The country mare smiled at him. "Don't mention it."

"Hey, where's the lil' dragon dude?" Carl asked, attempting to make small talk with the other pony.

Twilight turned her head to look at him, an eyebrow raised. "Spike? He's with Rarity."

"Rarity?" he said in surprise, turning to Applejack. "The mare you fucked last night?"

Her cheeks turned a deep shade of red as she lowered her hat to hide her face from Twilight, who was grinning. "Twilight, Ah swear Ah-"

"Come on, Applejack! It was about time you two hit it off..." she said with a knowing smile.

"But... b-but... Ah..." Applejack stammered.

"Just watch out, you don't want Spike to know about it," Twilight added with a wink.

"Why the fuck not?" Carl's obnoxiously loud voice rang out, causing both mares to frown at him.

"Spike has a crush on Rarity. Nothing serious, he's just a kid..." Twilight stated dismissively.

"Nothin' serious? Are you for real, girl? His ass gon' get rejected! This shit is serious, c'mon! We gotta go get him!"

Applejack raised a hoof. "Uh, Ah reckon you ain't aware but Spike's been helpin' Rarity with her work for over a year, Ah don't think it's gonna change if-"

"Man, you's a damn girl, what the fuck would you know 'bout that shit? You just wiggle yo' ass and you got a hundred niggas all up in yo' shit! You can't understand, we guys ain't so lucky! C'mon, let's get him before we go to that castle place."

Twilight panted as she slowed down to a fast trot. "Carl! Stop running, for Celestia's sake! I can't keep up!"

Not bothering to look behind him, the young man slowed down too. "What's the matter? You tired?"

"Yes, I am! You're nearly three feet taller than me, your legs are as long as I am tall!"

"So?"

"So you run much faster!"

"More like, your ass is all outta shape, yo. Applejack was leavin' me in the dust yesterday." Carl wasn't too proud of that, but it was true. Applejack ran much faster than he could ever hope to. To his defense, she had twice as many legs, among other reasons.

"I'm a unicorn... Earth ponies are physically stronger and faster than us! They're more fit, but we have magic and-"

"Then use your magic to keep up or some'! C'mon, you're just a lazy bitch! Let's move! You said the train's leavin' in less than an hour."

"Carl, slow down! I can't! Magic doesn't work like that, and we unicorns are different, we're not as fast, strong or athletic as-"

"Bullshit!" he cut her off. "You and I, we gon' hit the gym when we back from visitin' Miss White Bitch. I'mma make you into a fucking racing machine."

After rolling her eyes at the human's antics, Twilight managed to catch up to him as he stopped in front of the Carousel boutique.

"How did you know where she lived?" the unicorn asked, frowning.

"Man, they been tonguin' each other's throats all night. After meetin' in that alley, they went back here. They didn't even give a shit about me, like I wasn't here or anythin', just suckin' faces like no fucking tomorrow. So I just went back to the farm, Applejack's lettin' me stay here for now. But shit, man! I ain't about to forget the shit I saw through these windows..." he said, holding back a retch.

Twilight's frown deepened. "You went with Applejack to that... 'meeting'?"

"Well, yeah. She a big girl an' all, but she wasn't too confident about that shit. Plus, when you get a letter from a stranger sayin' they wanna meet yo' ass in a dark alley at night? You better bring a brother with you, man."

"Maybe... maybe she's right. I might have misjudged you... still, you're loud and... obnoxious."

Carl shrugged and banged on the door. "Open up!" he shouted, before glancing at Twilight. "You sure she still lives here?"

Fool, she told you.

The door opened and an agitated Rarity appeared. "Oh, Twilight, darling. What can I do for-, oh... and um, mister Carl, is it?"

"Yeah. 'Sup, baby? What's crackin'?"

"Uh... Please, come in. I was just, uh... trying to get some work done," she said nervously before turning back. "Argh, Sweetie Belle! Stop that!" she shouted inside.

Carl and Twilight looked at each other and shrugged before following the white fashionista inside her home and workplace.

The two of them chuckled and facehoofed, respectively, at the little white unicorn with a curly pink and violet mane who had managed to set a bowl of oatmeal on fire.

"Sweetie Belle, please! Just... just go back into your room, alright?" Rarity pleaded as she tried to put out the fire. "I will clean up your... mess."

"I'm sorry, Rarity! I just wanted to help."

"I know! I know..."

"Well, I'll be in my room..." the little filly said in a sad tone, before trotting up the stairs. A voice crack followed. "Hey, Spike! Wanna play doctor?"

Had she been drinking anything, Twilight Sparkle would have done a spit take. Rarity simply giggled. "Ah, kids..."

"What do you mean, Rarity? Aren't you worried that Sweetie Belle might do something to-" Twilight was cut off by Rarity's smirk as the white unicorn sat down and levitated a cup of tea in front of her friend.

"Why, of course not. I am not worried at all, those two are always spending time together these days... they really like each other, I think." she grinned, blushing sightly.

"But Twilight said the lil' dude had a crush on yo' white ass," Carl chimed in, blunt as ever.

Ignoring Carl himself, Rarity smiled at her purple friend. "That was true until a few weeks ago, Twilight. I think he gave up when I told him that he... um... oh well, it doesn't matter." she giggled awkwardly, a faint blush creeping onto her face. "What did you need, anyway?"

Twilight sighed. "Well, nothing," she spat out, nearly shouting the second word as she shot Carl a death glare, before bring her voice back to more a more reasonable volume, "I'm sorry to have wasted your time, Rarity...".

"Nonsense, darling. You're always welcome here. Oh, by the way, where is Applejack?" she asked, nervously shifting in her seat.

"She stayed at the library, preparing a few things. We're leaving for Canterlot in about forty minutes."

Rarity's eyes lit up. "Canterlot?"

"Gon' meet the princess an' all." Carl said to nopony in particular.

Twilight rolled her eyes. "We need to go now. Thanks anyway, Rarity. Bye!"

"Later, man."

"Yes, yes... later, creature," she groaned once she thought he was out of hearing range.

Carl shrugged at the white mare's attitude towards him. 'Between the big horse and that bitch... goddamn, all 'em white ones be racist as shit,' he thought.

Once they were outside, Twilight angrily jabbed Carl in the thigh with a hoof. "Now what? With your nonsense, we lost time and we're gonna be tardy!"

The yound man raised an eyebrow. "Tardy? And what the fuck, man? Takin' care of Spike is nonsense to you? I thought he was your assistant or somethin'!"

Taken aback by Carl pointing out just how shitty her attitude had been as of late, Twilight found herself lost in thought for a few seconds before shaking her head and clearing her throat. "Well, no, but... what is it to you, anyway?"

"He's the only other guy I met so far, man! I'm used to bein' surrounded by girls in bed, but not in everyday life! Solidarity between men, in a land full of bitches, you know?"

Twilight booped herself on the muzzle (because facehoofing is too manestream). "Didn't you meet Applejack's brother?"

"Oh... that big ass red dude? Yeah, I did... ah, whatever man, fuck you."

The purple mare thought about conjuring up a steel chair and bashing Carl's face in with it, but she ultimately decided against it. The princess' letter was very clear about his presence being required... though she had been working all night trying to unveil the enchanted ink. Why would Celestia send her a letter with invisible ink requiring extremely advanced spells to even read?
Spells so ridiculously advanced, in fact, that even she hadn't learned them yet.

Celestia had been acting so strangely lately, anyway... and nothing she had done during the past week was really adding up.
As her biggest 'fan', Twilight was really looking up to her mentor, but for the first time in her life, she didn't see her role model. Instead, she saw a pony acting strangely. An obnoxious pony whose unpredictable reactions were starting to freak her out. A mare whose attitude and recently questionable behavior were getting on her nerves.
An emotional wreck.

They walked back to the library in silence, and after gathering Applejack, Twilight's checklist and a few other necessary things, along with several pounds of unnecessary things, the three 'friends' were on their way to Canterlot.

Getting off the train, Carl glanced at his wrist. "We have twenty minutes, man! C'mon, let's move. Bitch ain't gonna be waitin' forever."

Twilight grabbed his watch with her magic, effectively yanking his arm backwards as he tried to move. "Carl, you need to calm down. I don't want you to act like that around the princess."

He grabbed his watch with his other hand and glared at the pony. "Hey yo, stop that shit. I am who I am. I ain't gonna stop actin' the way I always did 'cause some petty fuckin' horse told me to, a'ight? Now let's do the damn thing, and be outta here. I already don't like this place."

Striding forward despite not knowing where to go, Carl was soon out of hearing range, though his tall stature didn't make him exactly hard to track down, even in the busy, crowded streets of Canterlot. Twilight turned to Applejack. "How can you get along with him? He's insufferable!"

"Ya just gotta go along with whatever he says, ya know? Ignore the strange words he uses, ignore his constant swearin' an' all, and don't try to argue with what he says."

Twilight shook her head. "That sounds an awful lot like dealing with an overly authoritarian, yet stupid pony... but then, I guess that except for the pony part, that's what he is, isn't it?"

Applejack rolled her eyes and started trotting after the young man, who was currently trying to walk around without kneeing ponies in the face with each step he took.

"CJ! Quit yer runnin', darn it! Y'all don't even know where we goin'!"

Turning around, he saw the two mares running up to him. "Well, she said we were gonna meet her ass in the castle, right?" he said, before pointing a finger at the gigantic castle in front of them. "Unless there's another one of these 'round here or some shit, I figured this is what we're headin' for."

Both ponies shrugged and took the lead as Carl followed them lazily, eventually bumping into a tall, thin white mare. He raised an eyebrow as he looked at the slender unicorn, his eyes trailing off, and focusing on the white appendage resting on her forehead. What the fuck was up with these horns, and his urges to... touch them?

"Fleur, my dear! Are you all right?" a haughty voice spoke from behind. Carl turned around and saw yet another white pony, this time a stallion, with a blue mane, a monocle and a moustache.

"Yes, Fancy, I am alright, thank you." the mare said, dusting herself off.

Ignoring 'Fancy', Carl wrapped an arm around the pony's thin frame and lifted her up, his face scrunching in confusion as he put on a (pointless) show, trying to roughly evaluate her weight.
How could these ponies be so light? That particularly mare probably weighed less than a hundred pounds.

"Let go off me!"

"Fleur!" the stallion shouted, though he would never consider doing as much as making a move to help her. "Let her go, you... thing!"

"Ah, shit," Carl shrugged, dropping the poor pony. "Trash can bitch!"

Fancy Pants trotted away with his assistant after having helped her back onto her hooves. "The princess will hear about this, you foul creature!"

The human turned back and shouted, "We headin' for a meeting with her right now, you pimp motherfucker!"

Ignoring the glares most of the members of Canterlot's high society were giving him, Carl kept walking towards the giant castle. Both Twilight Sparkle and Applejack wanted to shrink and hide. Or die. Or anything that could get them away from the young man, and away from the prying eyes of hundreds of upper class ponies having just witnessed their 'friend' acting the only way he knew how to act.

TWO HUNDRED PERCENT NIGGA.

"Look, fool. You tell us where Celestia is, and we outta here."

Twilight deadpanned at Carl, who had just single-handedly defeated about ten royal guards after he had failed to (calmly) 'state his identity and business'. She had just had enough. It had been barely a couple of hours, and she was already beyond getting angry. She was, as he would put it, 'tired of this shit'. Applejack was laughing at the pegasus guard squirming in the human's grip. She couldn't help but find the human's radical personality and attitude attractive. In a 'darn, Ah wanna hang out with that fella' kind of way.

Content with his work, the human walked back to the two ponies and gave them a thumbs up. "Yo, we cool. That fool said we was goin' to the throne room."

"Yes, that's where I would have led us if you had let me do the talking," Twilight stated, trying to remain calm. She then turned to Applejack, "I think you're going to have to stay there, Applejack."

The country mare glared at her friend, then at the knocked out royal guards lying around, and finally at the unguarded door. "Nope. Ah'm comin', Twi."

Carl chuckled. "Man, those guys suck. They work for B-Dup or what? This the punks the princess uses as her personal guard? Fucking bitch needs to learn how shit works. A hundred of 'em wouldn't last a minute against real niggas."

Doing her best to ignore her 'guest', Twilight kept walking forward, knowing the castle better than her own library. After all, she had lived here for the vast majority of her life. "Come, this way," she said, motioning to a giant, fancy, golden double door.

"Don't we have to wait or anythin'?" Applejack chimed in.

Carl looked at her. "It's not even guarded! And look, she makes us come all the way here, and we the ones who'd have to wait? Fuck that, man! We goin' in." he said as he walked past the two mares and pushed the doors open.

"No, sister. I assure you, I can handle the situation."

"We do not know, Tia. You look really tired. Maybe you should let us discuss with that human? After all, we know best what it is to be somewhere we do not fit in."

Glaring at her younger sister, Princess Celestia stood up. "Luna, please. Just go back to sleep, I promise you that everything is under control."

"We..." Luna trailed off, remembering what happened the last time she got into a serious argument with her sister. At nearly twenty-eight hundred years old, she was getting too old for this shit. "Fine, we believe you, sister. We wish you the best of luck in your diplomatic meeting."

"Thanks, Lulu."

The Princess of the Night teleported back into her bedchambers as the doors opened, revealing two ponies and just the creature Celestia wanted to see. She had no idea why her feelings were so conflicted as of late, but she was past caring. She had brought him here for one reason, and for one reason only. And even though the young man was pretty far from what she had imagined a human would be like... he would have to do. If her thirty-seven hundred and seventy-seven year long life had taught her anything, it would be to always listen to her own needs.
Unless it poses a direct and immediate threat to her kingdom, that is.
'But even then, you're still entitled to some freedom in your actions... aren't you?' she thought.

She stared at Carl before smiling. Her own needs, just waiting to be satisified... now if only she could figure out what she needed, exactly...

Author's Note

As it turns out, I can't write anything worth shit if it doesn't contain romance / shipping / whatever you want to call it (not that I'm any good at writing romance either, but whatever). So this story will contain some. Yes, including CJ, too. Don't say I didn't warn you...

...but then, if you're still reading at this point, you've had enough warnings anyway.

A Castle In The Hills

The white alicorn rose from her throne, her majestic mane flowing behind her as rays of sunlight glimmered in her magenta eyes. The young human walked lazily towards her, flashing a strange ghetto sign with a hand as he scratched his balls with the other.

"Carl," she spoke in a composed, yet unusually quiet voice. "I am glad to see that you came."

He raised an eyebrow. "Uh? I ain't no fool, yo' majesty. I ain't gon' ignore you or anythin'. I don't pack no heat and y'all have 'em freaky magic horn thingies, so as you said, maybe I'mma try changin' my behavior or something. Y'know what I'm sayin'?"

'If I can just convince her I'm friendly and shit, maybe I still got a chance to ever go back...' he thought.

"Um." she cleared her throat and levitated her crown off her head, glancing around nervously. "Carl, there are things that we need to discuss."

Carl briefly glanced at Applejack's poker face, and at Twilight's confused expression. "Yeah? Well, I'm listenin'."

Celestia walked up to Carl and looked into his eyes. She was hoping to see something, something that would have betrayed his rough and callous façade... but his dark brown eyes and neutral facial expression were all but impossible to read. In nearly four thousand years, the Princess of the Sun had never seen such an impressive display of not giving a fuck.

"Um... I think I would rather speak to you in private, if you don't mind." she said hesitantly, and she mentally scolded herself for it. Why didn't she simply teleport the both of them somewhere else? Or, since she probably couldn't teleport him, why didn't she tell everypony else to take a hike?

'But why would I ever do that?' she thought to herself. 'I am Princess Celestia, I do not behave in such a way. Why did I even consider it? And why is this human so oblivious to my plight?'

Carl just shrugged. "A'ight, I'm cool with that. Lead the way."

Eyeing the young man with apprehension as he followed the alicorn, Applejack shook her head. "Careful there, partner... she's up to no good."

Twilight was just gawking, unable to comprehend the fact that her mentor and friend didn't even acknowledge her presence.

After walking down a few corridors and dismissing two royal guards, the white mare opened a locked door and strided inside the large, dimly lit room, motioning for Carl to follow her. Entering the room himself, he stared uneasily at her as he heard the door close and lock itself behind him.

He glanced around uneasily. "So uh, watchu wanted to talk about, man? Did I do somethin' bad? Anything? I been tryin' to behave, honest!"

Clearing her throat once again, Celestia closed her eyes for a few seconds and took a deep breath. "Carl," she said in the most solemn tone she could manage. "I... I am glad that you are here."

He raised an eyebrow. "What?"

She closed her eyes again in shame. "I said, I am glad that-"

"Yo, you said that already, man, c'mon!" he cut her off. "You told me to come, I came, that's all. I know how this royalty thing works. I mean, this your kingdom, you's a queen-princess-thing an' all. You ask others to do shit and they do it without questioning it, whatever the fuck it is. Ain't that how shit works around here?"

She let out a sigh and turned her head away. "Yes... yes, that is pretty much how things work," she said in a sulking tone, having grown bored centuries ago of everypony acting all formal and serious while around her. "But, I am somewhat surprised to see that you simply did what I asked you to do, without questioning it."

Carl chuckled. "Well, what was I gonna do, man? It ain't like I got a lot of things to do, either! And what's up with yo' letter yesterday? I mean, I'd have come here to beat yo' ass up an' all, but I needed some time alone after seein' the shit I saw last night. How'd you know it was that white pony who wanted to fuck AJ's brains out, anyway? That shit was creepy as hell, yo."

Celestia's heartbeat increased as she cast a spell to hide her blush. She wasn't sure whether Carl could see right through it, but if he could, he didn't seem to care. "As the Princess, it is my duty to make sure my subjects are-"

"Yeah look, I don't give a shit," he said matter-of-factly, cutting her off for the second time in less than a minute. "AJ does whatever she wants with whoever she wants. Yo, if she wanna get it on with another female horse, that's cool an' all, you know? I mean, as long as she's happy, and as long as it ain't about me, I'm cool with it. Now, you wanted to talk to me in private, right?"

"Right. I'm sor-"

"So obviously, that shit ain't what you wanted to tell me. I doubt you'd have made me come all the way here, and inside your own castle just so that we could talk about who's fucking who and shit. And I don't think you'd have minded the presence of other ponies to simply scold my ass, either. So just tell me whatever it is you wanted to tell me, and we both go on about our business."

Celestia did her best to keep a decent poker face. "Yes... right. I needed to, um... I needed to see humans... um, for research. Human research. Yes, you see, I needed to study and research things about humans."

Carl deadpanned. "You gonna tell me that is what all this shit is about? You needed us to be alone to tell me that? What kinda shit you gonna do, then? You gon' ask me to drop my pants or somethin'?"

'Not that it would be any strange for 'em ponies,' he thought, 'all them bitches be walkin' around naked, flashin 'em crotch titties an' shit.'

Her horn glowing brightly as she tried in vain to hide her dark red cheeks, Celestia closed her eyes and sighed once more. "I, um... no. Well, I think I have gathered enough information for now. I will see you another time, Carl." she gave him a sheepish, forced smile, and slowly walked towards the door, breaking eye contact. "Anyway, I am glad that you have accepted to come to Equestria. I promise you that you will enjoy your life here."

"Jeah... I guess." Carl shrugged, before realizing what Celestia had just said. "Wait, what the fuck? So, you sayin' you the one who brought my ass here? And just to study me?" he said angrily, walking up to the mare.

"Carl, I-"

"Fuck you, man!" he said harshly, pointing an accusing finger at her. "I ain't never accepted no shit like that! You don't do that!"

Backing up into a corner, Celestia started sweating. "I-"

"You ain't got no fuckin' respect for others, man! What if a motherfucker just snatched you and threw yo' white ass right in the middle of fucking Idlewood? Bein' stranded in a weird ass world without a single other member of your species on the entire planet, and in the middle of thousands of dangerous motherfuckers blastin' on each other with fucking machine guns? You'd enjoy that, you crazy bitch?"

"I'm... I'm sorry," she simply said, turning her head away as she strained to maintain her composure. She teleported out of Carl's way, and in front of the door, before opening it. "Come on, we are done here."

Carl shook his head and took deep breaths. Much to his surprise, he didn't find it that hard to calm down, and even more surprisingly, he actually managed to stay calm. Somewhat.
Maybe the lack of weapons and gang warfare was helping... and maybe seeing Celestia looking genuinely distraught was helping, as well.
Besides the fact that he enjoyed seeing even royalty cowering before his might, he wasn't a mindless, cold-blooded killing machine, either. Unlike some of 'em motherfuckers... that mute asshole who gave him his (now pretty successful) garage, for example. Heh, what a stupid fuck, that one. Or that Tommy dude Ken Rosenberg mentioned once... that guido sounded like a straight fucking lunatic.

But what the hell was that all about, anyway? The ruler of another world took him away from his own world to study his species? Carl would almost feel flattered that he had been chosen out of several billions of other humans. If he weren't stranded in a different dimension full of weird ass cartoon horses, that is.

"Princess! Are you alright?" Twilight rushed to her mentor as soon as she appeared back in the throne room. After all, she was gone for nearly five minutes and thirty-six seconds...

"Yes, Twilight. I am alright. I apologize for my behavior, earlier... I had some problems that needed to be taken care of. You can go, now. You can go back home," Celestia said coldly, her left eye twitching violently. "Go."

Carl appeared from behind a corner and nodded to Applejack. "C'mon. Let's get up outta here, yo. We ain't got no business in this motherfucker no more, man." he angrily strided across, and out of the room, slamming the double door behind him.

Applejack blinked twice rapidly. "What just happened?"

Both horned mares shared a quick hug before Twilight trotted back to the door, opening it. "Let's go, Applejack. We need to catch a train before dark." she said, glancing back to the disheveled princess and shaking her head as the usually majestic mare disappeared in a flash of light. "We also need to catch up with your human friend. I'm afraid he might have done something to Princess Celestia..."

The orange pony glared at her purple friend as they passed Princess Luna's bedchambers door. "Twilight! Will ya tell me what in the hay is goin' on?"

"Well, I..." finally letting out her worry, Twilight's voice raised dangerously. "I don't know, Applejack! I have never seen Princess Celestia acting like that! It's like, she's a different pony... What did she tell him? And what did he tell her? Did he do anything to her? What's going on with those two?"

"Ah don't know, Twi. Why'd you-"

"WHAT DID SHE HAVE TO SAY TO HIM? WHAT WAS SO IMPORTANT THAT EVEN I COULD NOT LISTEN?" she screamed, literally shaking Applejack with her magic grip.

"Calm down, Twi! Yer scarin' me!" the country mare said, her voice shaking.

Twilight calmed down almost immediately and hugged her friend, apologizing profusely. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Applejack! I'm just... I'm just so anxious! I mean, what if something happens to Princess Celestia? Who is going to rule Equestria? I'm not ready to take on such responsibilities just yet!"

Applejack raised a freckle. "And why would ya rule Equestria?"

Twilight deadpanned, as if the answer were the most obvious thing in the world. "Well, it's my destiny to follow in the hoofsteps of Princess Celestia! Why else would she have taken me as her protégée?"

Applejack deadpanned again. "Yer tryin' to say yer gonna be a princess?"

"Well, I hope so."

She shook her head and facehoofed. "Ah think CJ's right. Ah'm the only normal pony in this town."

"What do you mean?"

"Twilight, Ah don't mean to disrespect you, Ah'm not tryin' to say ya can't ever be a princess or anythin', but... well, aside from that, Celestia has a sister, who is also a princess. Ya remember?"

Before she could answer, Twilight heard a loud voice coming from behind them. "Many ponies seem not to. What about thee? Hast thou forgotten about us, Twilight Sparkle?"

"Princess Luna!" Twilight beamed. "What are you doing here?"

"This is our castle. Thou art in front of our bedchambers... dost thou find it strange for us to be here?"

"Uh, no, that's not what I-"

"We do not always sleep during the day... anyway, we are sorry, but we do not have time to talk. Our sister is in need of our help," Luna said, waving a hoof dismissively.

Twilight rushed to the blue alicorn's side, and grabbed ahold of her forelegs. "Princess Luna! What's wrong with your sister? What's happening to her? Please, answer me!"

Luna sighed and gently pushed Twilight's hoof away. "We cannot answer thy question. Our sister would not approve of us revealing her darkest secrets to anypony."

The purple mare stared angrily at the taller pony. "I'm not anypony! I'm- wait, her darkest secrets? What do you mean?" she asked as Luna teleported away. "Damn it! What's wrong with everypony today?"

"Ah don't know, Twi, but Ah have the feelin' we ain't gonna know anytime soon..." Applejack shrugged. "Fuck this shit, man. All of 'em motherfuckers be trippin'."

"APPLEJACK!" Twilight shrieked as her eyes grew wide.

"What?" she answered with a smirk. "Ya don't seem to mind it too much when it's CJ's who's talkin' like that... ya should try it, it feels real good to just let it out sometimes."

"But, b-but you..." she trailed off and frowned, before something clicked in her head. "Hey, I think you just gave me an idea." the lavender mare said much more calmly. A faint smile even formed at the corner of her mouth as she spotted Carl, who was wearing a black balaclava. He was (trying to) sneakily make his way around a corner, carrying a small silver statue. "Carl!" she called after him.

The 'stealthy' human turned around, startled by Twilight's high pitched voice. He gave her the middle finger, dropping his 'prize' in the process. "You won't catch me, fools!" he shouted, before breaking into a sprint.

Twilight rolled her eyes. "CARL! Wait! We're gonna have a party tonight! Do you want to come?"

He stopped and turned back, taking off his mask and raising an uninterested eyebrow. "Does the princess shit in the woods?"

"What?"

"Aw, whatever, dude. As long as there's some booze, I'm down," he said, before averting his gaze on a large television nearby, his eyes shining with POWERFUL NIGGATRY.

"More than you could possibly handle." Twilight smirked as the young man failed to lift the massive, several thousand pounds pure gold television, before muttering to Applejack, "I hope Rainbow Dash isn't busy tonight...".

"Sister! What have you done?"

Startled by the sudden appearence of Luna, Princess Celestia jumped to her hooves and stammered. "L-Lulu? Nothing! It's alright, I assure you! I've got everything under control! I just needed to-"

"CELESTIA! WE, THE ROYAL PRINCESS LUNA OF EQUESTRIA, ORDER THEE TO INFORM US OF THY PROBLEMS. BY THE MOON, YOU WILL ANSWER US AT ONCE!"

The guards nearby scurried away, wincing in pain as they miserably tried to cover their ears. Clearly, the royal Canterlot voice wasn't meant to be heard by everypony...

"Luna, listen... I can't. I can't do that."

Luna shook her head and dropped the caps lock. "Tia... what is wrong with you? What is it that you claim you cannot do?"

"I can't tell him!"

"What cannot you tell? And to whom?"

The white mare sank in her throne. "The human..." she trailed off, looking away from her sister. "Luna. When was the last time you saw me with a stallion?"

Luna stared for a few seconds before erupting in laughter, although Celestia's death glare calmed her down quickly. "Sister, we... we do not remember. Surely, it has been a long time."

Looking longingly out of the window, her window, Celestia gazed at the midday sky. "Yes... yes, it has. I thought I could just... Ah, Luna! What have I become?"

The Princess of the Night conjured up her own throne and took a seat beside her sister. "Tia, why don't you explain us everything from the beginning? Tell your little sister what is wrong, and we promise we will do whatever it takes to make it right. We will help you. Whatever is happening, we are sure that it is nothing that cannot be sorted out."

"I wouldn't be so sure about it, Lulu. I... What kind of a princess am I? When did I start thinking than taking a sentient being away from his home world just to keep me company would be a good idea?"

Luna's face fell. "No... y-you did what?" she asked in disbelief, a look of worry on her face. "Please, sister, tell us you did not do that!"

"I did..."

Staring at Celestia, Luna's worried expression turned into a strong disapproving glare. "Why? Why, Tia?"

"I thought... I thought maybe, just maybe... maybe a human could be the answer."

"The answer to what, Celestia?"

"Well, you see... humans do not value respect as much as we do. Especially when it comes to other species, given that there are no other sentient species on their planet. And as I expected, he is not intimidated by me. He might be trying to behave because of his current predicament, but even knowing who I am, he doesn't care about it. He's not trying to be nice or polite to me. If anything, I think he would treat me worse than the average pony because of that, if he thought he could."

Luna stared in silence at her older sister's shameful face for a few minutes, before putting a hoof to her chin. "So... let us understand. You simply summoned a strange, tall and potentially dangerous alien lifeform from another dimension, with the sole intention of making him your special somepony?"

"I... I know. It already sounded bad in my head, but... the way you put it... I'm an horrible pony, Luna!"

"Calm down, sister. Was that really the only reason you summoned this human? To keep you company, as you put it?"

"Well, n-no..." she stammered, blushing. "Actually, their fingers are better than magic, their stamina is legendary, and their size coupled to their bipedal posture means that they are very-"

"Stop!" Luna cut her off. "We... we do not think we wish to know any more than you have already told us."

Celestia sank even further in her (thankfully extra cushy) throne. "What am I gonna do now, Luna? I cannot even send him back! ...I think. Maybe I can, but... I don't know. I don't know anymore, Lulu."

The Princess of the Night took a moment to think, and her face lit up as she clapped her front hooves together. "We know! ...well, we might have an idea, at least. Normally, we would never even consider suggesting such a thing, but... maybe you could make him want to keep you company. After all, you are a princess, Tia. We know you aren't fond of using your royal title to get your way, but... we know you do not like it when ponies treat you with too much zeal. While you could teach him some respect, we do not think that he would ever be overly formal with you. And you are a beautiful mare, you are powerful and you are part of the glorious alicorn master race. If you find a way to get to him, in time, he may learn to enjoy your company."

Celestia pondered her sister's words for a while, before sighing. "Maybe... but... but did you see him, Luna? He's an annoying, obnoxious, dangerous... nigga!"

Luna raised an eyebrow before asking, "What's a nigga?".

"I'm not really sure. That's the word he uses to refer to himself, and to his 'homeboys'... whatever that means. Do you think a creature such as him has domestics?"

The dark blue alicorn shrugged. "Anyway, we believe you can change him. You are Celestia, for crying out loud! You can do whatever you please, sister... if you set your mind to it, this should be a rather easy task. It could even be fun!" she said, happy to have successfully used the word she learned only a couple of weeks ago.

"You... you think so?"

"Of course. You should start by explaining him what you have just told us. Maybe not in such a blunt way, but... he has been treating our dear subject Applejack with respect, so far. Surely, he cannot be as barbaric as you made him out to be. He could probably understand."

"I... I don't know... maybe you're right. I could... I could write him a letter. And then, maybe..."

"Damn it, Tia! You're over thirty-seven centuries old, and you still can't muster the courage to talk to somepony in person?"

Celestia blushed. "Shut up, Lulu. I haven't seen you talking to Pip..."

It was Luna's turn to blush, though it was hardly noticeable with her dark blue coat. "Tia! He's a kid! We are nearly three millennia older than him!"

"So? You are a princess, too. You and I, we make the laws!"

"We do not... you do."

"You have a say in those laws, Luna! And no law of mine will prevent my sister from being happy... unless it involves, you know, eternal night."

Luna's blush deepened. "We do not even know if he likes us..."

Celestia giggled. "Lulu... are you serious? He built a small altar to your name in his closet! He painted his entire room dark blue, and he got your cutie mark stitched onto his pillow, which he cuddles with every night! Are you too scared of spoilers to visit his dreams? Though I would wager that even for a colt his age, you might see things that would make lesser mares feel uncomfortable... but it would ease your doubts for sure."

"We... maybe. Maybe we will consider it. But for now, we do not wish to talk about it any more. Either way, that does not change the issue at hoof, Tia. You must make the human like you. Ordinarily, we would be completely opposed to such actions, but you must, lest he will have been abducted in vain."

'Or, he could just live in Ponyville and enjoy his new life the way he sees fit...' Luna thought. 'But, we do not want our sister to be alone anymore... we are tired of her never leaving us any fucking cake! Clearly, our craving for cake must take precedence over the happiness of a strange ape. It is for the greater good of Equestria, after all.'

"Abducted? You make me sound like a monster, Luna..." Celestia stopped talking when she saw her sister's glare. "Anyway, how do I do?"

"How would we know? We are a virgin."

"What does that have to do with anything? You..." Celestia's face lit up in realization. "Oh, right. It was before... things have changed, Lulu. Dating and relationships work pretty differently today than they did centuries ago."

"We are aware... hm. We suppose that many things have stayed the same, right? Let us think..."

"Luna... maybe I shouldn't have asked you."

"Nonsense. We will help you, sister." Luna said, scratching her chin with a hoof. "Hm, maybe you could take him out on a romantic dinner? A date with Princess Celestia herself! That couldn't possibly leave anypony indifferent! The simple fact of asking him out will shatter his confidence and make him blush like a little colt!"

Celestia deadpanned. "Luna, does he look like the romantic type to you? Besides, I don't think I could afford to be seen in public, in such... strange conditions. Even though I am the princess, and I can do as I please, as you keep reminding me... it doesn't mean I should do as I please."

Luna shrugged and conjured a pair of black, round sunglasses. "Yeah, we grasp that, Tia. All we're doing is contemplating the if's."

The Princess of the Sun frowned and raised her voice. "I don't wanna hear about no motherfucking if's! All I wanna hear from your flank is, 'you ain't got no problem, Tia, I'm on the motherfucker. Go back in there and chill 'em ponies out, and wait for my plan, which should get him to like you'."

Rolling her eyes, the dark blue alicorn deepened her voice. "Thy problem is no more, dear sister. We are onto the fornicator of matriarchs. Go back to Ponyville and bring peace back upon thy subjects, and wait for our plan, which should get him to love thee."

"Shit, Lulu! That's all you had to say!"

They both chuckled and Celestia got up, adjusting her crown. "But seriously... I'm really tired. I think I am going to stay here for now... I will go to Ponyville tomorrow, but for now I need to rest." she said, conjuring up a slice of chocolate cake. "So, what is your plan?"

"Well... why don't you give him a tour of the castle? Tell him about the history of Equestria, and about your countless victories and achievements! If he knew how powerful you were... surely, not even such a crude creature could resist you." Luna said, smiling as she used Celestia's temporary lack of attention to snatch some cake from her sister.

The white mare's face dropped, and not because of the cake thing (surprisingly enough). "No offense, Lulu, but... I don't think this would work, either. Carl seems like the type who would expect me to adapt to his lifestyle and laugh at his jokes... he talks and I listen. Not the other way around. Besides, he seems to have himself a history of victories and feats that would put mine to shame. Especially for a simple mortal being who cannot use magic, and who is thirty-seven hundred and fifty years younger than me."

Luna stood up and sneered. "Fine, but then why asking us for advice, Tia? You talked to him, we did not... what does he like to do?"

"I... I don't know. According to my faithful student Twilight Sparkle, he likes 'gangbanging', 'getting shitfaced with his homies' and 'doing some drive-by's on Balla turf'."

"We have no idea what gangbanging means, and we do not believe drinking hefty amounts of alcohol would be a good idea. However... we suppose a drive-by is the equivalent of a fly-by, isn't it?"

"I don't know, Luna... what's a fly-by?"

"It's an ancient technique we used to teach our royal night guards, long before our banishment... have you really never heard about it?"

"No..." Celestia said, shame tangible in her voice. "How does it work?"

"It is simple. A few unicorns ride in a carriage flown by a squad of pegasi over a target. The unicorns can then freely attack the target with magic beams while remaining airborne and moving, making potential retaliation close to impossible."

"And how would you suggest Carl and I do that?"

Luna raised an eyebrow. "Well, simply have him mount you, and go fire solar beams at Chrysalis' hive or something," she said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Celestia's face started to look more like a beet than a face. "Mount me?"

"Yes, mount you. Straddle you."

"Luna, are you trying to say that-"

"No, Celestia! We are not suggesting what you think we are!" Luna shouted, exasperated. "What we were trying to say is that you should have him get on your back. You could also give him weaponized unicorn magic. This way you could go and blast on cheeselegs' crib, while flying low enough so that he could pop one in a motherfucker, too. Goddamn, Tia! That shit simple."

"You're starting to sound like him... Luna, are you a nigga too?"

I'm a nigga! Are you a nigga too? Let's drive to the 'hood! *throws plastic car*

Twilight Sparkle smiled as she opened her door. "Ah, Rainbow! We were waiting for you."

"Hey, Twilight. What's up?"

"The party is about to start. I wanted to introduce you to somepony."

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. "Who?"

"You'll see. Come inside, Rainbow Dash."

"Twi, that 'joke' got old like, three years ago," the pegasus said, frowning as she followed her nerdy friend inside her tree-house-library-whatever.

Sitting in a circle around an empty bottle were Applejack, Rarity, Lyra Heartstrings, Pinkie Pie, a strange gray pony with a dull violet mane and strange clothing, and another much stranger, tall brown-ish creature with even stranger clothing. Twilight motioned to the bottle sheepishly. "That was Pinkie's idea, I promise..."

The pink pony rolled her eyes. "Well, duh! Of course it was my idea! I'm Equestria's partiest party pony, and I-" she was cut off by Carl's hand clamping her mouth shut. Whatever that thing was, Rainbow was already liking him. He smiled at her and flashed her a strange sign with his hands.

"Yo, man, what's good? We was waitin' on yo' ass, c'mon! We gon' do this shit or what?"

Author's Note

This chapter took way too long and I had to rewrite it like 69 times... I'm still not too happy with how it turned out, nor with where the story is going, but I guess that's the price I'm paying for having started a story on a whim with a few thousand words and no idea where I would be going with it...

I'm becoming hard-pressed to keep CJ in character without him sounding more like a clichéd black Anonymous ersatz with a few San Andreas references thrown in for good measure, and Celestia's 'problems' might end up slowly backing me up in a corner.

So yes, if everything is going to shit, blame me. I'm still gonna try to scavenge what I can, and although I'll probably end it sooner than I would have wanted to, I still have a pretty original idea for the ending (at least, original by HiE standards). Also, sorry to those who haven't seen Pulp Fiction... well, actually, no. I'm not sorry, go watch the fucking thing right now you ignorant fools.

Wrong Side Of The Town

Sitting down between Applejack and the new creature, Rainbow Dash smirked. "Alright! So, who's going first?"

Applejack raised a hoof. "Well, CJ's our guest, after all... so Ah'd suggest maybe he should go first, ya know?"

Twilight frowned. "Easy there, girls. First things first. Lyra, Maud and Rainbow haven't even met him yet! Let him introduce himself..." she said, nodding to Carl. "Go ahead, Carl."

Carl shrugged. "Yeah, I already met Lyra, actually, but whatever you say. The name's Carl Johnson, but I guess y'all can call me CJ. What's up with y'all niggas?"

Rarity sneered, Applejack smiled, Twilight didn't really give a fuck, Lyra started drooling, Pinkie bounced up and down as usual, and her sister deadpanned (as usual).

Rainbow extended a hoof, which Carl shook without much enthusiasm. "I'm Rainbow Dash. The fastest flyer in all of Equestria."

Carl raised an eyebrow at the pegasus' rainbow mane and tail. "Damn, man! You look like you from King's or somethin'? But that's cool, I guess," the young man said before turning his gaze towards the silent gray mare. "And 'sup with you, baby? What's yo' name, girl?"

Pinkie Pie smiled and nudged her sister. The Earth pony gave Carl her trademark deadpan as she simply said, "Maud."

Taken aback by the sight of a sentient being who would give him a run in terms of not giving a fuck, Carl frowned before shrugging again. "Oh. A'ight, it's nice to meet you, man, wassup?"

Still deadpanning, Maud answered flatly, "The sky?"

"Uh... okay. Maybe we should start?" Rainbow Dash chimed in.

"Man... how you play this shit?" Carl asked, having no idea how 'sitting in a circle around an empty bottle' could possibly be played. "Is it like a drinking game or something? I'm thirsty."

Everypony except Maud started blushing.

"What? Did I say somethin' wrong?"

"Humans don't play spin the bottle?" Twilight asked.

"I don't know, man! Niggas do whatever the fuck they want with their bottles, man! But I usually drink from the motherfuckers, that's all I know. Ain't no brother ever sittin' 'round no empty bottle."

"Well, it's really simple. You'll see."

"A'ight, whatever you say. Let's just do this thing. So, I start?"

"Yeah, just spin it."

Carl spun the bottle and watched, still without much enthusiasm, as it stopped on a mortified Rarity. Oblivious to her panic, he stared at the purple unicorn. "So, what now? Do we get free drinks or some other cool shit?"

Twilight gave him a confused look. "Uh... no? It's not about drinking, Carl. You have to... um." she cleared her throat awkwardly. "You have to give her a kiss."

He raised an eyebrow. "What the fuck? You serious? Shit, you ain't never said no shit about kissing no damn horses, man! And I don't even get a drink?"

"But, uh... that's how it works! You spin the bottle, and you kiss whoever it lands on! It's not about drinking!"

"Yeah, whatever. That shit is fucking stupid, I'm outta here." he said in a tone so flat, it made Maud feel slightly moist.

Before he could get up, Rarity scoffed. "Humph! It would have been most unladylike to kiss such a foul beast, anyway."

Carl glared at her. "Hey, watchu sayin'?"

"GIRLS!" Rainbow shouted, exasperated. "...and guy." she added upon seeing Carl's glare. "Can't we just play without drama, for once? Come on, Rarity... And c'mon, CJ! Just give her a quick peck on the cheek... or, maybe you're intimidated by a pony who's barely half your size?" she smirked.

"No way dude, I ain't intimidated. But that shit's still fucking stupid." he said matter-of-factly, not falling for her bait. He turned to a flustered Twilight. "And what's up? You said there'd be booze, man! 'The fuck it at?"

The lavender unicorn sighed before calling out, "Spike!"

The little dragon walked down the stairs and glared at the eight creatures sitting in a circle. "Can you get us some beer, please?" the purple mare asked.

"Twilight, don't you think it's too early to be drinking?"

"Spike, I swear-"

"Hey, don't trip." Carl said, cutting off Twilight before turning to Spike. "Yo man, look at that shit. You see the shit I'm dealin' with, here? I'm gonna have to kiss 'em horses and shit, man... damn, I'mma need the booze, for real. Now c'mon, don't be a punk and help a brother out, dude."

Spike couldn't even find something to answer. He turned around with a near Maud level deadpan and walked up the stairs, and into Twilight's personal stash. He never quite understood why she insisted to have alcohol in her own room at all times, but he never really gave a shit, either.

"C'mon, you guys! Just a quick kiss!"

"Fine, Rainbow Dash. But you owe me big time for this." Rarity scowled.

"Yeah dude, that ain't cool." Carl added, frowning at the rainbow-maned pegasus.

Eventually, he rolled his eyes and closed them, leaning forward and giving Rarity a very quick kiss on the cheek as she looked away. He sat back down and looked at the white mare wincing in disgust as she used her magic to levitate a small piece of tissue, furiously rubbing her cheek with it. He would almost have felt offended, but since his arrival in Equestria, he had found his fucks to be surprinsingly scarce, and he was saving every single one of them in case of emergency.
This wasn't an emergency... at least not yet.

Applejack rolled her eyes. "Are ya serious, Rarity? That bad?"

Rarity didn't answer, instead she spun the bottle herself, and smiled as it landed on Applejack.

The country mare blushed, and before she could do anything, Pinkie suddenly sprung up from her sitting position and hit the ceiling, her mane somehow sticking to it as she ended up clapping her front hooves happily, suspended to a wooden board as everypony gawked at her. "Hey! Let's throw a kissing party for Rarity and Applejack! Woooooo! Slobbery kisses for everypony!"

Not waiting for anypony else to say anything, Carl stood up and grabbed Pinkie's tail, tugging forcefully on it until her 'grip' gave up and she landed on his shoulders, frowning.

"What's wrong with you? C'mon, stop fuckin' trippin', man."

"You human things are no fun at all." she pouted, taking her place back in the circle. 'You're so not fun, I'm gonna ship you with Bon Bon.' she muttered to herself.

"Thanks for that, CJ." Rainbow muttered.

"Don't mention it."

The two lovers eagerly leaned forward and gave each other a kiss, which quickly turned into a second kiss, and into a third, and eventually into a full blown, sloppy makeout session. Carl retched in disgust and put his hands up.

"Aw, man! Not this shit again!"

Much to everypony's surprise, Maud spoke up. "Get a room," she said in her usual emotionless tone.

Twilight sighed. "Girls, you're cheating..." she said, and frowned when neither party broke from their heated embrace. "Alright, that does it."

Both ponies disappeared in a flash of purple light.

Carl sighed in relief. "Thanks, Twilight. I didn't wanna watch this shit again, for real."

Before anypony could say anything, Spike walked back down the stairs carrying easily five times his own weight in beer, somehow managing to balance all of it in his small arms. Twilight grabbed and opened six bottles with her magic before levitating them around. "Thanks, Spike."

The young dragon gave her the middle finger once she had her back turned and walked back into his room, muttering things about how he was tired of reading, tired of books and tired of doing her fucking housework.

He's free!

"Lyra, it's your turn." Twilight said. 'Hey, what the fuck you do that for, man?' she thought as she watched Spike angrily striding upstairs.

The mint green unicorn spun the bottle and stared at it, eyes wide open as it started to slow down, and eventually stopped... in front of Carl's foot.

"Yes!" she shrieked, foam forming at the corners of her mouth. She glanced around and realized everypony was glaring at her. After clearing her throat awkwardly and calming down a bit, she closed her eyes and puckered her lips, leaning towards Carl, who instinctively put a hand up and pushed her back into her sitting position.

"Hey yo, back off. It landed on Maud, man. Not on me."

"B-but... it landed on your foot! I saw it!"

"Yeah, but that's just because I'm bigger than y'all. Look, man. It was closer to Maud than it was to me. Ain't that right, girls?"

He sure hoped so. Kissing a less than willing Rarity and turning her into a flustered mess was almost fun, but a creepy, drooling pony? No fucking way.

Before Lyra could object, Twilight conjured up a small ruler and started doing fancy shit with it for a few minutes, while the others watched, occasionally taking a sip of their beers, bored out of their minds. Eventually, she put the ruler down and spoke up in her most serious voice, which made her sound on par with the average politician in terms of credibility. "According to my calculations... Carl is right. Technically, it did land on Maud."

Lyra looked down and sighed, before giving Maud a quick peck on the cheek. The Earth mare remained unfazed, though she brushed a hoof against her cheek. "Not quite like a rock," she stated flatly, her deadpan suddenly becoming contagious as everypony exchanged flat stares.

Rainbow stood up a few seconds later. "C'mon, girls! This is way too boring."

"I'm with you on that one, man! That shit is whack. Yo, just look at the pink one! Even she ain't havin' fun."

Pinkie frowned. "Well, that's because I couldn't throw a kissing party, duh! You ruined it, Carl. You ruined everything."

"Yeah, you ruined it," Lyra chimed in.

Out of nowhere, Maud jumped in Carl's lap at unreal speeds and gave him a soft, sensual kiss on the cheek.

Pushing her off him, Carl got up and kicked the bottle away. "A'ight, that does it! The game's null and void, motherfuckers!"

He quickly downed the rest of his beer, and walked towards the door. He reached for the handle when Spike's voice called from up the stairs.

"Carl, yo! I just got a letter for you, nigga!"

The young man froze up. He turned around and gave Spike an angry look. "The fuck you just said, cracker?"

"W-what? I said I have a letter for you, and-"

"Nah, not that. What you called me, you lil' punk?"

"Um... nigga? Y-you said you were a nigga, so... why? I can't call you that? I don't even know what it means!"

"Man... you ain't no nigga yourself... shit!"

Twilight levitated the letter from Spike's hands, and into Carl's. "That doesn't even make any sense, nigga. You human things sure are a strange species."

Carl glared at the purple mare and sighed. Not having anything else to fuel his potential nigga moment, he dropped the issue and unfurled the scroll, reading it.

Dear Carl,

~~I want to f~~

~~Please make me your~~

FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT MAGIC-RESISTANT INK

I am truly sorry, and I want to apologize. I wish to invite you to a reputed restaurant in Canterlot tonight, to try and make up for my earlier behavior, and for my wrongdoings. There will be meat-based meals, among other treats you may enjoy.
I also have a surprise for you, something that I was told you really enjoyed doing back in your home world.

Considering your keen grasp on 'how shit works when you's a princess', I am expecting your presence. A royal carriage will be arriving shortly to pick you up.

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria

"Man... she ain't never gonna leave me alone!" he sighed.

Twilight snatched the letter from Carl's hands and read it, her face turning gradually whiter. "D-does... does that... the princess is... what?"

"I don't know, man! It almost sounds like she's askin' me out on a date or somethin'!" he said, exasperated. "This is fucking stupid."

"Is that really from Princess Celestia?" she asked to no one in particular.

Spike glared at her. "Just scan it for her signature, Twilight... jeez."

"Her... signature?"

"Well, duh! Anypony could get a dragon to send letters for them! Don't you ever actually check for Celestia's signature before you read a letter?"

"Uh... no?"

Spike sighed as he slammed a claw against his forehead. "Just run a magic scan on the back of the letter. Top left corner."

Twilight's horn lit up as she focused on a small area on the little piece of scroll until a hidden piece of text became visible. The purple mare frowned as she read it.

I'm made of sunlight,
My feathers gleam.
I am perpetual,
I keep the kingdom clean.

Spike smiled. "Yeah, that's the princess' signature, alright. Her newest one... urgh, somepony ought to tell her that it doesn't rhyme properly."

"Yeah, that shit is worse than Loc's lyrics."

Twilight was staring at the letter in a mix of awe and disbelief. Were there really things she still didn't know about?

As she was starting to get wet at the thought of having to read some more books, Carl chimed in. "Goddamn! Why they always tryna keep a player down?"

Reading the letter a second time, he brought a hand to his chin. The word 'surprise' was intriguing, to say the least.
What was she planning? What could she possibly have for him, that he used to enjoy back home? How could she know anything about him, other than what he had told her?

He read it a third time, and eventually made up his mind, shrugging before opening the door. "Hope they got some chicken, man."

"Where are you going, Carl?" Twilight asked.

"What you think? Wherever your bitch ass princess wants me to be! She ain't right in the head, but fuck that, I'm hungry." he said, waving goodbye to the little dragon and the five ponies.

"You're... why?"

"Look, Twilight. Your princess is askin' for me to go, so I'm goin', that's all. Besides, it beats kissing ponies, anyway... no offense."

Pinkie crossed her forehooves. "You wouldn't know, you meanie."

Twilight blushed and looked down. "I wouldn't know."

At this point, Spike shivered and quickly ran back upstairs.

Rainbow shrugged. "I wouldn't have minded."

Lyra frowned. "You didn't even try."

Maud deadpanned. "Kissing is not unlike massaging your lips with rocks."

As the gray mare started explaining her 'analogy' as well as the wonders of using rocks as part of a mare's everyday, healthy sexual life to the other four (confused) ponies, Carl walked out of the library and closed the door behind him. He did not want to hear anything else from that creepy fucking mare.

Spike was about to walk back into his room when Twilight's bedroom door opened, revealing a disheveled Rarity. "Oh, Spike, dear... where do you think you're going?"

The young dragon stared at his former crush. "Uh...? Nowhere, I was just going to-"

"Not so fast, darling. Surely, my little Spikey-wikey would not turn down an invitation to spend some quality time not with one, but with two ladies... now, would he?"

"Uh... Rarity? What are you talking about?"

"You will see, darling. You will see. Now please, why don't you come in and join us?"

"W-wha... I... us?"

Applejack shouted from inside the room. "Yeah, y'all remember that dragon code o' yours? Ah don't think ya completely repaid yer debt, sugarcube."

He muttered something to himself as Rarity's magic slowly levitated him into Twilight's bedroom, filled with a familiar musky scent. Spike didn't even bother fighting back, instead accepting his tragic fate. 'First, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom, and now their sisters... why can't colts have two dicks, too?' he thought sadly.

Sitting at a table in a beautiful restaurant in the middle of Canterlot, Carl looked around uneasily. He was somewhat used to luxury, but not with classy, snob ponies everywhere, trying their hardest to keep their distances while still making snide remarks whenever they thought the young human was out of hearing range. The looks they were giving him, and the princess, weren't making him feel any better, either.

Sipping on a glass of water, Carl cleared his throat, attempting to make small talk. "So, uh... what you do for fun?"

Princess Celestia glared at him, as if he just asked her for a blowjob or something. "For... fun?"

"Jeah... you know, when you ain't sittin' on yo' throne an' all, what you do in your spare time? Like, you never chill, hang out with yo' friends and shit?"

Bashfully looking away, the white mare sighed. "Not really, Carl. I've been alone for a long time, and most ponies are too intimidated by my mere presence to partake in everyday activities with me."

For the first time, the young man felt truly sorry for the alicorn. "Damn, man! What kind of life you livin'? Shit must be boring as a motherfucker!"

Celestia had gotten used to the human's foul language by now. It didn't please her, sure, but she was able to simply ignore it. "Yes... sometimes, it truly is."

"Shit... look, you wanna do something? Like, damn, I don't know what you ponies do, but we can hang out or something if you want."

Smiling warmly, Celestia nodded. "Yes, I think I would like that... very much so," she said as she levitated her glass to her mouth. "So, tell me, Carl. What do you like to do for fun?"

"I don't know, man. I ain't been havin' much fun in a long time, you know? I been workin' hard to free my brother, and get rid of 'em fucking pushers an' all. I was born in that shit, but cleaning the streets still ain't no fucking fun. Especially when you might just get yo' ass capped at any time... I travelled across all of San Andreas, I did a lot of dangerous things... I killed hundreds of people, man! I fucked with powerful people. I could have died at any second during all of that shit."

"I... I cannot imagine how hard it was. I mean, I wouldn't know about that. Being an alicorn, I am essentially immortal..."

Carl raised an eyebrow calmly, finding himself surprised by how fast he had learned to stay cool with crazy shit like that thrown at him every few minutes.

"Immortal? What you mean? Like, you can't die?"

"Yes. I cannot die."

"How the fuck that works, man? What about if you get popped?"

Celestia deadpanned. "Popped?"

"Shit... what if you get your throat slit? What if you get disemboweled? Have your neck snapped? Your body torn in half? Crushed? Set on fire? I don't know, man, how the hell can you just not die regardless of what happens to you?"

"Actually, I can die, Carl... however, the circumstances required for me to die are far too unlikely to even be considered."

"So, what if I take a blade and just slice your head clean off right now? You gon' stay alive and reattach it or somethin'?"

"Uh..." for the first time in over twelve hundred years, Celestia found herself unable to answer a serious question. What would happen if her body was to take more damage than she can heal at once, over a very short period of time? As much as she loved staring into her enemies' fearstruck eyes as she simply reattached a severed limb, or healed a two feet long, five inches deep gush in her side... the idea of having a lethal blow delivered to her before she can react was truly frightening, even to her battle hardened mind.

"I honestly do not know. Ponies never really aim to kill."

"What about them griffon things, man? Motherfuckers are like flying lions or something! You gonna tell me they ain't tryna kill?"

"They..." the princess trailed off, looking down at the waiter putting down two large plates on the table. "Hey, food's here. Let's eat, Carl."

"What? Ah... whatever, man. I guess."

The waiter bowed and muttered, "Bon appétit!" before walking away.

Carl glared at him. "Bona peetee you too, you Jerry Lewis-liking motherfucker!"

"Carl... calm down. It simply means 'enjoy your meal'."

"For real? Damn. My bad, I thought the motherfucker was dissin' me."

As much as she hated herself for it, Celestia was really enjoying Carl's presence. There was something... natural in his attitude. Something that just screamed, 'I don't take shit from nobody and I don't care, and neither should you'. To him, she wasn't Princess Celestia, near immortal ruler of an entire kingdom. No, she was just yet another pony from a dimension he had no idea even existed a couple of days ago. She was wishing she could remember how to 'have fun', or even act informal at all... those times were so far behind her.

Taking a bite of his food, Carl growled. "Man, this tastes like shit."

The mare frowned as she levitated her own fork to her mouth. "Come on now, Carl, please don't- ew! This tastes like shit."

"Told you, man. C'mon, fuck this place. Let's get up outta here."

"W-what? Right now?"

"Yeah! Why not? See how all of 'em motherfuckers be lookin' at us? See the looks they givin' us? It's like we the weird ones or some shit."

"Actually... we kind of are the odd ones here."

"Whatever, man... look, I'm a fucking Grove Street OG, alright? When I walked up in here, I wasn't expectin' ponies to be all over my ass, but I wasn't expectin' 'em to be starin' at us like that, either! And you their damn princess! You lettin' the fuckers give you that kind of look? We ain't gotta take shit from 'em and you know that! C'mon, why don't we show 'em?"

"Carl, please... I am Princess Celestia, I can't afford to-"

"Bullshit! You're the princess, as we both keep sayin'. You can afford anything. Now show 'em motherfuckers you be havin' dinner with my ass in this joint, and if they ain't happy about it, they can get up and go eat a bag of dicks."

Having long given up on trying to reason him, the white alicorn rolled her eyes. "And how do you suggest I do that?"

"For real? Shit, girl. Lemme show you how you handle this shit." he got up and walked up to a nearby couple, staring them down and putting his arms akimbo. "'The fuck you punks lookin' at? Y'all want some of this shit, huh?" he growled, balling his right hand into a fist.

The stallion sitting at the table stammered, raising a defensive hoof. "Uh no, no! We... I'm sorry, we don't want any trouble!"

"You damn right you don't want no trouble! Now you mind your own fucking business, and you stop givin' me and the girl weird looks. You got that, bitch?"

"Yes, yes! I got that, I'm sorry!"

"Good. Bona peetee, motherfucker."

Celestia couldn't help but chuckle. She knew how much trouble she was gonna get in for this, but... it was worth it. For the first time in centuries, she was enjoying herself. Sure, it was the kind of fun that comes from watching a strange ape from another dimension ruin your reputation and insult your subjects while knowing you will deeply regret it in the near future, but... it was fun nonetheless.

The waiter approached Carl and raised a hoof. "Um, sir? I'm sorry, sir?"

The young man turned around and stared for a few seconds, still not used to having to look three feet down to see who he was talking to. "Yeah? What's happenin' with you?"

The bright blue pony cleared his throat. "Um, I'm sorry, but your behavior is quite unbecoming."

Carl raised an eyebrow. "Who that?"

"Sir... y-your behavior... you... you are rude, and loud. I must ask you to calm down, sir. Else, I will-"

"What you gonna do, man? You ain't gonna do shit. Look around you, they all givin' me and Celestia weird looks, man... we don't take kindly to that shit! They got a problem with us? Well, they can just speak up."

"But, sir! You do realize that you are a rather strange sight, right?"

"Man, back off. Look at you! Ain't no damn three foot tall horse tellin' me I am the strange one!"

Celestia couldn't hold it anymore. She got up, strided to the waiter and spread her wings as her horn and eyes started to glow. "Yeah, fuck off, punk!"

She laughed maniacally before quickly teleported outside, having realized what she just did. Carl shrugged and looked behind him, seeing the mare's ethereal mane flowing right outside the window. He turned around, ready to leave, ignoring the waiter saying something about how he needed to pay, or something. He was starting to enjoy hanging out with that weird horse princess, and nothing was going to stop him.

On his way out, he spotted a pink alicorn entering the establishment with a large white stallion by her side. He whistled as they walked by, her rump shaking with every step. He gave it a slap and grinned. "Shit, baby, this a nice flank!"

Within a second, the white stallion had pounced him and pinned him to the ground. "This is my wife, you monkey! You better stay away from her!" he growled, baring his (flat) teeth as he pressed down on the human's arm with a front hoof.

Carl didn't know whether he was truly being overpowered, or just utterly shocked to see one of these ponies actually reacting. "Hey yo, ease up, man! Damn!" he waited for the stallion to calm down and get off him. He stood up, brushed some dust off him and walked outside, clutching his arm. "Fuck! Goddamn crackers, man."

Looking around, he saw Celestia winking at him from the corner of a nearby alleyway.

"You there? What you went away for, man? I nearly got my ass beat by this pink-pony-fucking punk."

She chuckled, having seen everything. "That 'pink-pony-fucking punk' is Shining Armor, captain of the royal guard, and husband of Princess Cadance."

"Aw, fuck! I didn't know that, for real, I swear!"

"I know... That's quite alright, Carl, really." she walked up to him and smiled. "So, I told you I had something for you..." she unfurled her wings for the second time in the evening. "Want a ride?"

Celestia's Last Flight

"Say what now?" Carl asked in disbelief, his eyes wandering on the alicorn's slender frame. She was barely five and a half feet tall, and probably weighed less than a hundred and fifty pounds. 'Man, she needs some' to eat. She skinny as a motherfucker, how the hell she gon' lift me?' he thought. Maybe gravity on this planet wasn't the same as Earth's? That sure would explain why the ponies are so light, and how those bird horses can even take off with their unimpressive wingspan.

Celestia's warm smile did little to reassure him. "I promise you, it will be fun." she said, conjuring up and levitating a strange object in front of the human. "Oh, and take this."

"Yo, what is this thing?"

"It's a little... novelty item, you could say."

"Oh yeah? What's it for?"

"Weaponized alicorn magic."

"Weaponized magic? How the hell does that work, man? And wait, is this thing a horn?"

"Yes. Yes, it is a horn. It's a replica of mine," the mare said, blushing slightly. "Do you like it?"

He would never admit it to anyone but himself, but Carl was strangely drawn to the long, phallic object. He had been somewhat obsessed with horns ever since he arrived in Equestria, and even a fake, metallic one seemed to have that effect on him. It was starting to trouble him deeply, to the point trying to convince himself he was just missing his guns wasn't even working anymore.

"Yeah, this is a nice horn, I guess. How does it work?"

"It is pretty simple," she said, pointing a hoof at a small red button protruding out of the base of the disembodied horn. "Make sure you have a firm grasp on it, and press this button. It will unleash a beam of magical energy from its tip. While it is a pretty simple and basic offensive spell, being powered by alicorn magic makes it very dangerous."

"Man... whatever. This shit's still better than Emmet's."

"Come on, Carl. Get on my back, and you will see for yourself just how obscenely powerful this thing can be."

Carl hesitated for a few seconds and reluctantly climbed onto Celestia's back, the white mare straining under his weight.

"You alright, Princess?"

"I... I think so. How much do you weigh, Carl?"

"Shit, I don't know! Like, two hundred or somethin'?"

"Oh... we'll be fine." she said in a reassuring tone, before spreading her wings. Carl's left arm was wrapped around her neck, and his legs were dangling behind her wings. His right hand was holding onto the horn, thumb hovering above the button.

"You sure this shit is safe? I don't wanna fall off, man!"

"Don't worry, just hold onto me tightly." she said, a smirk forming on her face. "Very tightly..."

"What we doin'? Where we goin'? What we- SHIT, WOAH, MAN, FUCK!" Carl screamed as Celestia flapped her wings, propelling the both of them about ten feet into the air.

"We're going to do ourselves a little fly-by."

"What the fuck's a fly-by?"

"According to my sister, it must be the equivalent of what you call a 'drive-by'."

Carl's eyes lit up as they wandered onto the grooves running along the metal horn he had in his hand. "Shit! For real?"

"For real," the alicorn replied in a playful tone. "Now, get ready... we're gonna... uh, how do you say? Pop a cap in a motherfucker?"

The young man rolled his eyes, grinning. 'Shit, white folks be fuckin' crazy.'

"Keep your white ass steady, man! I don't wanna die!"

"Don't be a pansy, Carl. Now, do you see the large dark green structure down there?"

"I'd have to be fucking blind not to see it!" Carl replied, pointing the metallic horn towards the giant structure, seemingly embedded into the side of a mountain. "Motherfucker's larger than your damn castle!"

"Precisely! Which is why it must be destroyed. On my mark... get ready!"

"What? Wait! What do I do? Blast it?"

"Three..."

"Celestia! What the fuck are we even doing?"

"Two..."

"Ah, fuck it." the young man gently pressed his thumb against the red button, ready to push it as he aimed the 'weapon' towards what seemed to be his target. He wasn't sure this would be any fun, but he couldn't bring himself to tell Celestia to leave him alone. Besides the obvious fact blasting shit with magic beats kissing creepy ponies any day... he didn't know her all that well, but he knew that he was having a really particular effect on her.
He was way too proud of that to do anything that could put an end to it.
Royalty bowing down to him, and adapting to his lifestyle? Shit, that wasn't something he ever thought he would see, and he was sure as hell gonna make sure it would last for as long as possible.
Or at least, just a little bit longer...

"One..."

"Now?"

"NOW!"

Celestia folded her wings as she dived through the purple night sky, her horn lighting up as she readied her attack. Carl simply pressed the button, and almost lost his grip on the horn as it fired a powerful beam of bright yellow light, similar to the one coming from the tip of Celestia's own horn. Both beams reached their target and created a small explosion, sending sparks everywhere and causing ripples of ethereal light to run across the surface of a previously invisible force field covering the entire structure.

Spreading her wings to slow her descent, the white alicorn tilted her body to the side and looked back to Carl, grinning. "Looks like she somehow sensed that we were coming... get ready for another strafing run, Carl! We're going around!"

"What? Why? It's pointless, man! Did you see that green shit? I don't think our weapons can touch it!"

"We just need to find another approach!"

"What you sayin'? Man, I can barely hear you with all that wind!"

"We're moving too fast!"

"NO SHIT! Slow the hell down, damn! I think I got a plan!"

Listening to her 'rider', Celestia slowed down as she descended into a deep forest surrounding the area. Once they were out of sight, she hovered a few feet above the ground and turned back to Carl. "A plan, huh? What is your plan?"

"I don't know exactly, but... how does that green thing work?"

"It's a very simple force field. The magical equivalent of a shield. It requires a lot of energy to cast, but it's a self-sustaining spell. It draws magic from itself."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

Celestia rolled her eyes. "Once it's up, it will stay up until it's destroyed, or removed by whoever cast it. It can regenerate itself when damaged, and when under attack, the shield will draw energy from the areas that are not under attack. It will use that energy to reinforce the area being attacked, but it will eventually break if it stays under attack long enough. Once it has used all of its surrounding energy without enough time to regenerate it, it will simply shut down and dissolve."

Carl took a few seconds to process the new informations. Magic was so strange and foreign to him, yet pretty interesting...
He had no idea why Celestia wanted to destroy that large structure, but he never really cared about the reasons behind what he was doing when working for someone. Whenever he was asked to kill, destroy and blow shit up, he always did it without ever really knowing why he was doing it. And he never really cared, either. It was always entertaining, if not a little... risky.
Not that he was working for Celestia, but...

"So the more we attack it, the more magic it uses to block the shit we throw at it?"

"Yes."

"How long until it runs out of energy if we keep sprayin' it?"

"It depends on the strength of whoever cast it. I would say about three hours... maybe four."

"Shit! And when it's focusing its energy on one area to block our attacks, does that weaken the rest of the thing that ain't bein' attacked?"

"Um... yes, very much so."

"So why don't you focus your attacks on one side, and once it's starting to drain energy from the other side, I blast a hole in the motherfucker?"

Mentally scolding herself for not having thought of that first, Celestia smiled. "That's not really a fly-by anymore but... hey, that's a great plan nonetheless. Let's go!"

"Hey yo, drop me on top of that tree right here! I can get a clear shot from there. You go around and spray that shit!"

"No, Carl. I can't risk it, you'll be within range in case of a counterattack."

"So what you suggest?"

"You see that mountain over there?"

Carl's eyes widened. "What? You can't be for real, that shit is like three miles away!"

"So? Are you afraid your aim might not be good enough?" Celestia smirked. She was slowly starting to understand how Carl worked, and how to push his buttons. She was never really the manipulative type, but she was glad she was finally starting to figure him out.

"Bitch, I'm a crack shot! Let's do the damn thing!" the young man bellowed, a look of determination on his face. He tightened his grip on the horn as well as around Celestia's neck as she started to rise into the air once again.

Suddenly, a green flash from below startled the two of them as Celestia swerved to the side, narrowly avoiding a beam of energy.

"What the fuck was that?"

"Oops! I think she knows we're here! Well, this ought to be interesting..." the princess said, gaining altitude. "Hang on!"

Carl was starting to feel uneasy. If he weren't flying two hundred feet in the air at over fifty miles an hour, he would have had to wipe the sweat off his brow. As long as he knew what he was up against, he never felt fear. He never had any trouble defying the odds and going loud in the most dangerous and unlikely situations he could have ever gotten himself into... but this was totally foreign, and he had little to no control over it.
For the first time in his life, Carl was feeling fear.

"What the fuck do I do? Do I shoot back?"

"Can you see her?"

"See who?"

"Chry-" another green beam of light ripped through the night sky, searing through Celestia's left wing. She let out a pained scream as her body tilted to the side, quickly losing altitude as the smell of burnt skin and feathers started permeating the air.

"FUCK! CELESTIA! YOU OKAY?" Carl screamed, frantically waving his metal horn towards the ground, ready to fire at whatever was attacking them.

Before the alicorn could answer, a third green flash illuminated the sky as another laser hit her right in the side. Carl fired his horn instinctively, and the surge of polarly opposed magical energies created a large fireball, causing him to lose his grip on Celestia.

When the smoke cleared, he could only stare in a mix of awe and shock at the white mare's body slowly falling out of the sky, his own body making its way downward through the cold night air, and towards the hard, rocky ground. The clouds became increasingly distant as Carl started to realize exactly what was happening.

"I HATE GRAVITY!" was the last sound that rang through the air before his body slammed onto a rock at near terminal velocity, all of his bones shattering on impact in a pool of crimson liquid.

"Aw, man! My fucking head!" Carl whined, rolling on his side. Where the fuck was he? Was he back home? Was this all a dream?
Opening his eyes, he let out a deep sigh and groaned loudly at the sight of the cartoon-ish, excessively green grass surrounding the area, and on which a white equine was standing, looking down at him.

"Who are you?" the creature asked.

"Man, fuck! There's too many white horses 'round this motherfucker! Where in the fuck am I?"

The pony raised an eyebrow, before pointing a hoof behind Carl. The young man turned around to see a large building with a banner reading 'Ponyville General Hospital'. Below the banner was a sign sporting a white cross against a red background with four bright pink hearts on it. A similar sign was etched on the white pony's flank.

"Aw, shit..." suddenly, Carl remembered the events that led him to being wasted for the first time in months. "OH, MOTHERFUCK! Celestia! Is she alright?"

Nurse Redheart raised an eyebrow at the strange creature who had just appeared in front of the hospital a few minutes earlier. "Princess Celestia? Who are you? Haven't you heard?"

"Heard what?"

"Princess Celestia and Princess Luna... they have been captured and imprisoned by our new ruler."

"What? How? Captured? New ruler? Nigga, what the fuck is this bullshit?"

"I..." the white pony wasn't really scared of the (visibly shaken) strange creature using inappropriate and profane language for no apparent reason, but she wasn't sure whether she could trust him or not. After all, she had never seen such a being, and changelings were known for their shapeshifting abilities. "What are you?"

"I'm a human, but what the fuck do you care, man? What is this shit you talkin' about? Who the fuck's the new princess?"

"Queen," Redheart corrected, glancing towards the distant side of the mountain upon which rested Canterlot. "Queen Chrysalis."

"Queen what now? I don't even know who the fuck that is! Where's the princesses bein' held up?"

"Um... I don't know? Only Chrysalis and her minions would know..."

"Fuck! And when did that shit happen?"

"About a week ago..."

"WHAT?" Carl screamed in disbelief. "It took you motherfuckers an entire week to fix me up? Goddamn!"

Nurse Redheart took a step back, startled by Carl's sudden outburst.

"In San Andreas, they do that shit in twelve hours!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Nothing, c'mon, get your ass outta here! Shit, I gotta go find her!"

"You..." she trailed off as Carl got up and started walking away. "Wait!"

The young man turned back and raised an eyebrow. "What?"

Redheart reached for something in her saddlebag and gave it to Carl. "I found this on the ground, lying next to you. I assume it's yours... whatever it is."

"For real? Thanks, man! This shit's gonna be useful." he said, grabbing the long metallic object and walking away as the white pony entered the hospital. 'Back in San Andreas, they'd have stripped me off this motherfucker...' he thought, holding onto the horn-gun. 'Or maybe they wouldn't have... it don't really look like no strap.'

A smile formed on the young man's face as his thumb hovered above the red button. It looked like he had just received his first real mission in Equestria.

Sitting in the grass, in the middle of Ponyville's town square, Carl pumped a proud fist into the air as he finished writing his (crude) checklist. He didn't know what he was up against exactly, and he didn't want to take too many chances. If these ponies needed an entire week to patch him up, risking getting wasted again was definitely not an option.
Thankfully, it didn't take him long to come up with a plan, and writing it down seemed like the sensible thing to do.

After all, he had suffered from a severe concussion. Hitting the ground at nearly a hundred miles an hour after a several hundred feet freefall always had that effect on him, no matter how many times it happened. Perhaps a week had given him enough time to 'heal up', but he still prefered writing things down.

He got up and smiled at his flawless plan, reading it one last time.

HOW TO GET CELESTIA'S 'HOOD BACK IN 10 EASY STEPS - BY CARL JOHNSON

1 - Go to Twilight Sparkle's place
2 - Insult her and punch her in the face for various reasons
3 - Ask her everything there is to know about that Chrysalis bitch
4 - Get some backup, especially Applejack and her big ass brother
5 - Kill a few of Fluttershy's chickens and fry them (shit, I'm hungry)
6 - Go to Canterlot on foot, the train must be swarming with pigs
7 - Reach the castle without being seen (only hard part)
8 - Go loud and spray everything in sight with magic shit
9 - Kick the throne room door open and ~~torture~~- ~~rape~~- ~~anally rape~~- ~~throatfuck~~- kill Chrysalis
10 - Free the princesses

Still smiling, Carl made his way through Ponyville, and eventually found himself in front of the Golden Oaks library. He knocked on the door and waited.
And waited.

And waited...

And kicked the door clean off its hinges.

"TWILIGHT! WASSUP? YOU IN HERE, GIRL?"

A very angry Twilight Sparkle teleported in front of him. "Back off! Back off or I'll shoot!" she threatened, aiming her horn at him.

By now, Carl had become used to this mare's surprisingly unstable and violent behavior, and he simply shook his head, unimpressed. "C'mon man, you trippin' again. You gon' set shit on fire again if you don't calm yo' ass down," he said, picking her up and placing her on a nearby table as if she were an object.

Her eyes lit up in realization. "Carl! It's you! It's really you!"

"No shit?"

"I'm sorry, I thought... I thought you were a changeling!" she said, looking down bashfully.

"A what now? What the hell's a changeling?"

Twilight raised an eyebrow, giving him a 'blimey m8 u fkn wot' kind of look. "Those creatures who took over Equestria... Carl... where were you during last week's events? I haven't seen you in... a week."

"I was gettin' fixed up, man! Y'all have some slow ass doctors, I'm telling you. Took 'em a week."

"What happened to you?" the mare asked, a hint of worry in her voice.

"I fell."

"Oh. Wait a minute... you were with Princess Celestia the night she was assaulted and captured! Weren't you?"

"Yeah," Carl said in a flat tone. "She thought it was a good idea to fly with me on her back and go blast on shit or something. We got hit by some green laser shit. Plucked her ass right out of the sky, and mine along with it. I fell like three hundred feet."

"You... what, I... you... WHAT?" she screamed, her eyes widening beyond what should be physically possible.

she has special eyes

"How did you survive?"

"Three hundred feet, man! I didn't survive, I fucking died."

"You... died?"

"Jeah."

"...ooooookay," she 'replied', her left eye twitching heavily.

"So what's the plan? I mean, I made a quick plan myself to go and kill that bitch, but I could use some backup, especially to free Celestia. I think I can find my way around Ponyville, but that's all. I wouldn't know where the fuck to look if she ain't in the castle."

Twilight's face dropped as she looked away. "We... we can't do anything to free her. It's over, Chrysalis won."

"Over? Man, I ain't even started fightin' yet."

"She cannot be fought, Carl."

"Why the fuck not?"

"She... she has rendered the Elements of Harmony useless by feeding off the very source of their powers..."

Carl sat down on a way too small chair at the table on which Twilight was standing. "That don't mean I can't kick her ass! And what's that source of power you talkin' about?"

"Our friendship."

"Your friendship? She's feedin' off your friendship? What the fuck does that even mean?"

"Changelings feed on emotions. They draw their power and energy from that. We always believed love to be the strongest emotion for them to feed upon... but friendship seems to be much, much stronger, somehow. Her drones are stronger than she used to be, and she is practically invincible now..."

"What the fuck man."

"I'm sorry, Carl. There's nothing anypony could have done..." Twilight said sadly, her eyes watering. "Princess Celestia shouldn't have done whatever it is you two were doing that night... but I can't blame her. Or you. You were just having fun, right?" she said, beginning to tear up.

"I guess... shit." Carl looked around, trying to find something encouraging to tell the purple unicorn. Suddenly, something clicked in his mind. "Wait."

"What?" she asked, raising her head and wiping a tear off her cheek.

"Friendship ain't even a fucking emotion!"

"B-but... but they can feed on it!"

"FUCK THIS SHIT!" Carl screamed as he got up, flipping the table over as Twilight managed to teleport out of the way before it crushed her. He turned his nigga moment dial from 'white boi' to '50% nigga' and gave the mare a stern look. "Now it's time you motherfucking horses get real, and listen to a brother, a'ight? I have experience in that shit, and we're gonna do this thing my way. You got that?" he said in an unnecessary loud voice, pulling out a small piece of paper and giving it to Twilight.

Unable to resist Carl's leadership and (moderately) powerful niggatry, Twilight sighed. After all, nothing anypony came up with so far had been even close to being a viable plan. Whatever he could have come up with couldn't possibly be worse.

She frowned as she read through his 'checklist', trying to remain calm. "I'm just going to ignore steps two and five."

"Man, step five was the best of 'em all."

"Whatever... what is step eight about? The most powerful unicorns have barely enough energy remaining to levitate small objects! Princess Cadance and I can teleport, but that's only because we're princesses. At least she is... but I should totally be a princess. Don't you think? And anyway, how do you plan on, I quote, spraying everything in sight with magic shit?"

"Simple," Carl said as he pulled the metallic horn out of his pants, "with this bad motherfucker right there."

Twilight levitated the object, raising an entire army of eyebrows as she scrutinized it. "What in Celestia's name is this?"

"She gave it to me that night... she said it was weaponized alicorn magic. It can shoot lasers and shit. I still prefer bullets, but this is kinda fun."

"Weaponized..." she trailed off, her eyes wandering on a nearby bookshelf. "Stay here! Don't move, stay here! I'll be right back!" she said quickly before teleporting upstairs.

Nine minutes and thirty-seven seconds later...

As Carl was starting to wonder where Spike was, Twilight teleported back into the room with a pile of books. Carl grabbed one, titled 'Everything you always wanted to know about Changelings - but were afraid to ask', and started flipping through the pages absent-mindedly.

"I heard about weaponized magic back when I was a little filly! We can use that! Chrysalis probably doesn't expect anypony to make a move on her anymore. She would probably be vulnerable to a potential attack right now."

"That was my plan," Carl stated flatly, raising an eyebrow at what he was reading. Changelings are smaller than most ponies and rely on magic? That shouldn't be too hard.

"But I... we're gonna need backup!"

"Yeah, I said that like twenty minutes ago, man. You still trippin'... c'mon, damn! You was born trippin' or what?"

Ignoring his 'comment', Twilight brushed a strand of her disheveled mane out of her eyes with a hoof. "Right... right. Anypony in mind?"

"For sure. Even if your elemental things don't work anymore and shit, I thought we could always use Applejack and her brother. She keeps it real, and the dude's stronger than a motherfucker."

"That... that's still only four of us. What are we gonna do against an entire army? There are hundreds of them everywhere, and many of them are disguised as ponies! And even if we make it to Canterlot undetected, how are we gonna enter the castle? How are we gonna fend off dozens and dozens of changeling guards? How are we gonna find Chrysalis? How are we gonna-"

Carl clamped her mouth shut with a hand. "Look, we'll cross those bridges when we get to 'em, a'ight? One step at a time, yo."

"But I... I don't know, I'm... I'm scared."

"Look, man. Lemme tell you some'," he said calmly. "Y'know, the first time I arrived in that town, I saw strange creatures everywhere and shit? I wasn't really scared, but I was like, 'goddamn, I hope they don't see me as a threat and begin to swarm my ass, 'cause if they do, I'm a dead motherfucker'. I ain't never been too good at fighting large groups bare handed. But a few days later, when we was goin' to the castle, you remember how I fucked 'em guards up? About ten of 'em at once, and I didn't even break a sweat."

"Yes, I remember... but what does that have to do with anything?"

"They was slippin', man... but they weren't unicorns."

"So?"

"So unlike changelings, they could have hurt my ass! See that shit?" he 'asked', pointing a finger at the book in front of him. "According to the shit I'm readin' right there, changelings are smaller than most stallions and rely on magic. I'm immune to that shit, and I'm twice their size! What the fuck they gonna do when I roll through? Throw shoes at me?"

"What's a shoe? Don't you mean horseshoes? And why are you telling me all this?"

"Man... this shit simple. Listen, before I tried, I was scared of having to do somethin' I thought I couldn't do, but in the end I had no problem at all handlin' it. This is gonna be the same for you, you know? You scared and shit, but it's gonna be easy for yo' ass. You said you the most powerful unicorn, and they just a bunch of small ass insect motherfuckers! What they gon' do against you? I'm sure you can take on twenty of 'em at once if you want. Celestia ain't perfect, but if she chose you as her personal student, it ain't for nothin'! You gotta be strong enough, man! Bitch trusts you to be."

"I... I really don't know, Carl. What if-"

"Quit asking so many fucking questions, goddamn! This ain't a 'what if' situation, we ain't even sure what's really goin' on out there... we're just gonna go in and do what we gotta do, a'ight? We'll deal with the details as we get to 'em. But we'll still need some backup. We're gonna need a couple of ponies who keep it real, and a bunch of fast ass pegasuses."

"I suppose you're right... we don't have a choice, and there is no way to know what we'll be up against," the mare said, determination slowly replacing her worried expression. The young man was right, Princess Celestia herself had chosen her as her personal student and protégée, so she obviously trusted her. There was no way Twilight would ever let her mentor down.

"One thing, though... why would we need pegasi?"

"Because we're gonna need a diversion. If they can fly around and shit, they'll keep the other motherfuckers busy while we sneak in and take 'em out. 'Know what I'm sayin'?"

"I'm really not sure, Carl... apart from Rainbow Dash, I don't think any pegasus in town would be up to the task. Besides, I don't think you realize how changelings work. Hivemind, strength in numbers... we're not talking about a few guards here and there. There will be hundreds of them, everywhere! Even the Wonderbolts themselves wouldn't be able to cause a lasting diversion against an entire swarm! Changelings can fly too, you know? You may be immune to magic, but pegasi aren't!"

"I know it's suicide, but what else we gonna do, man? I ain't gonna be lettin' no punk ass changeling bitch take over no kingdom! Even if it means I have to go in there and kill that son of a bitch all by myself, then be it. I'll fucking do it."

Twilight sighed again. "I won't let you go all by yourself, Carl... we'll be there with you. But it's still foolish and awfully dangerous."

"I know, but that's usually the case for everything I do."

"If you say so... so, you're going to need me, Applejack, Big Macintosh, Rainbow Dash and... that's all?"

"I don't know, man! Who else can we get? I don't know many ponies, you know."

"Well... I'm sure Lyra would agree to help, but I don't think you would agree to let her help."

"No way, man! She's fuckin' creepy."

"I thought so."

"Where's Spike? Can't we use him to send shit to Celestia? Tellin' her she ain't got nothin' to worry about, we comin' for her white ass an' all?"

"Spike is working at Sugarcube Corner. He's watching over the Cakes' kids. Ever since that night with Rarity and Applejack... well, there's no other place in town where mares don't swarm all over him."

Carl winced at the implication. "What the fuck man."

"I know... sadly, he sees me as a motherly figure, but I swear, if I hadn't raised him myself, I think I would-"

"STOP!" Carl screamed. "I don't wanna fucking hear that shit, man! When's he comin' back?"

Twilight regained her composure and took a quick glance at the clock. "In- uh... he should have been there three minutes ago."

"Well, he's probably on his way then."

As if on cue, the door opened and Spike walked in, his face covered in dried tears and pink frosting.

"SPIKE!" Twilight shrieked, rushing to the poor dragon. "What happened?"

"Pinkie... she... she got me, Twilight!"

"Oh," Twilight's worried expression turned into one of annoyance. "Again?"

"Yeah..." he said sadly. "I hate mares so much."

Carl looked at Spike, and flashed him one of his usual ghetto signs. "Wassup, man? You been gettin' some pussy, dude?"

"I don't want to get any pussy!" Spike said in a dramatic fashion, though his voice sounded like he was far more annoyed than actually troubled.

"Why? You a faggot or somethin'?"

"No! I... I don't know. What's a faggot?"

"Uh... why don't you go ask Rainbow Dash?"

"Carl, look! I'm a kid!" Spike said, shaking his head. "Sex is boring!"

"Boring?"

"Yeah! I don't like having lollipops stuck up my butt, it feels funny!"

The human deadpanned at the little dragon, and Twilight suppressed a gasp. "Uh... yeah, whatever you say, man... look, we need to send a letter to Celestia."

"No, we can't do that. Chrysalis will intercept it..."

"For real? Shit."

"Actually..." Twilight trailed off, nudging Carl's leg with a hoof. "We could write it with invisible ink... even if it doesn't reach Princess Celestia, whoever intercepts it will be unable to read it. We could try it."

"Cool, let's do this then," Carl said enthusiastically, prompting Spike to grab a nearby quill and a piece of scroll.

Queen Chrysalis smiled as she relaxed on the throne. Her throne.
How could have she gone so long without thinking about it? Friendship... the power it holds! It truly is magic.

Whatever that strange creature on Celestia's back was, it slowed her down enough...
Under normal circumstances, alicorns can fly faster than even the fastest of pegasi, and Chrysalis knew she would never have had a chance at hitting her, especially from the ground. But even with their impressive physical strength, alicorns are still subject to the laws of physics, and thus cannot fly anywhere near as fast when carrying a tall, bulky ape on their back. She was a sitting duck- or in this case, a flying duck.

And whatever that creature was, it clearly wasn't capable of flight and couldn't have possibly survived the fall.

She had finally won. Changelings could finally rule Equestria. Fucking with irony as she bit into a large piece of Swiss cheese, Chrysalis raised an eyebrow at one of her elite drones bursting into the throne room through the double door, a piece of scroll in hoof.

"My Queen! We have a problem!"

"What is it, minion? Speak."

"We... I intercepted this in front of the princesses' cell. I-I think you should read this, my Queen..."

"Fine. Get out." she said, levitating the scroll to her face as her minion scurried away.

Dear Princess Celestia,

She stopped reading long enough to avoid choking on her cheese, before bursting in laughter. The old invisible ink trick? Really?
What kind of ignorant fools was Celestia counting on to help her in times of need?

She wiped a tear off her cheek and kept reading.

How you doin', girl? It's yo' boy Carl. Look man, I know we been beefin' and shit, and I'm a still a lil' pissed at you for the shit you done, but you's a nice girl, and I ain't gonna let no shit happen to you. I know you ain't dead, and I swear we're gonna take back your kingdom and your castle. Me an' the boys, we gon' be comin' for you and your sister... I promise you. Those insect motherfuckers are as good as dead.

You don't worry about a thing, you hear? You just hold on tight, girl. Grove Street OG's are about to rain down an ungodly fucking firestorm upon 'em motherfuckers. I'm talkin' scorched Earth and-

No, goddammit! You shut the fuck up, Twilight! I ain't exaggerating. Spike, what the fuck you doin', nigger? You ain't supposed to fuckin' write everything I say! Well yeah you are, but not that shit, goddamn!

Fuck, whatever.

So as I was sayin', Chrysalis and her army are going down.

Your somewhat faithful, whatever the fuck you wanna see me as, Carl 'CJ' Johnson.

The Queen shifted uncomfortably in her throne as she read the next part.

Dearest Queen Chrysalis,
I guess you're probably thinking, 'yo, who the fuck is that punk, thinking he can fuck with my shit?'.
Yeah, well, guess what. I'm the motherfucker you blasted off Celestia's back. Yeah, that's right, I know what you was up to, nigga! While I survived, I can guarantee you ain't gonna be gettin' out of this shit alive. Bitch, you better barricade yo' ass and count yo' holes, 'cause Grove Street's comin' to rip you another few.
Your highly unfaithful, soon-to-be murderer, Carl 'CJ' Johnson.

PS: If you do anything to Celestia, I'll spare your life and hang your fucking squirming, hole-ridden body in the middle of Ponyville for all stallions to use as a public fleshlight.

PS2: I'll even convince Spike to have a go at it. And he's packin' a double barrel.

PS3: Queen Chrysalis, this is Spike. I'm sorry, but Carl won't manage to convince me. I will not have sex with you. It's nothing personal, though. You're far more attractive than a pony, don't worry. Shut up, Carl! No, I won't do it, I told you! What? No, I'm not still writing- oh SHIT

Chrysalis let out an anguished scream as she turned the letter to ashes in a fit of rage. Her anger quickly died out, being slowly replaced by a deep, gut-wrenching feeling of dread. That creature survived the fall, knew Celestia well enough to be informal with her, and had his 'boys' to back him up?
While she was perfectly aware of her superiority, Chrysalis knew whoever - or whatever - wrote this, represented a real threat. If not only because of the fact they clearly expected the letter to be intercepted at some point.

Not feeling so confident anymore, she quickly rose from her throne with the strong intent to gather her entire army, and come up with new plans.

Author's Note

I finally found a way to turn this story into an actual GTA crossover, and not a 'GTA protagonist in Equestria' kind of thing. It's gonna get far less serious from now on, but also more serious at the same time.
Or perhaps at different times.

Who the fuck knows.

Los Vengadores

Twilight Sparkle was nervously pacing around in her library, waiting for Spike and Carl to finish with the human's plan. She knew that Queen Chrysalis could get her hooves on the letter, and the young man suggested to add something to intimidate her in case she did intercept the letter. After an argument over Carl's choice of 'words' while writing the first part, the part that was actually meant to be read by Princess Celestia, he decided to retreat into her bedroom alone with Spike so that he could concentrate on the second part without 'her annoying purple ass dictatin' no shit'. Something about how she was 'trippin' like a motherfucker' and how it was 'distracting for a brother, man'.

Twilight really didn't think that Carl's plan would work, but it was worth a shot... plus, the young man seemed like he was truly willing to fight. For them or for himself, she didn't know, but she didn't care.
She couldn't possibly tell him not to fight, and although the odds of him succeeding were close to zero, who knew... maybe his strange human customs and his unpredictability would turn the tide in their favor.

So far, he had proven to be far more obnoxious than helpful overall, but in times like these, the purple unicorn couldn't care less. At this point, he was the only hope she, and all of Equestria, had.

Nothing new under the Sun.

In her bedroom, the little dragon was finishing up, signing and sending the letter to Celestia. He didn't know many of the words Carl used, and he was really hoping he had managed to spell them correctly... he had always been great at spelling.
The perks of being raised by a nerd, and all.

"Man, this green fire shit is cool. Why you can't breathe this on 'em changeling punks?"

"I don't know, Carl, I just... I'm too young, I guess. Dragons live hundreds of years, I'm still a baby... well, in some aspects."

"I can't believe you gettin' genuinely pissed at gettin' pussy, man! I know they're horses and shit, but pussy's pussy, yo."

"But they're not-"

"Spike! Carl! Are you done yet?" Twilight called from behind the door.

"Yeah, don't trip. We comin'."

The door opened and a goofy-looking Carl walked out, followed by a giggling Spike.

"C'mon man, I ain't that funny!"

"I don't know, but I soooo wanna see Chrysalis' face if she reads it!"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "So, Carl, what do you suggest we do next?"

"I don't know, I was thinkin'... what's up with these Elements of Harmony things you been talkin' about?"

"As I told you, Chrysalis has rendered them completely useless, so that's not an option..."

"Yeah, but what about the ponies themselves? You said you and your friends were the bearers of the Elements. They liabilities or what?"

"No! They're the best friends a pony could ever wish for!"

"Yeah, but they any useful? Like, you can count on 'em?"

"Yes, they're great friends!"

"That ain't what I meant... whatever. They okay? I didn't see no changelings in Ponyville, but they don't all live here, do they?"

"Don't worry, they're all okay. Fluttershy is scared, and Pinkie Pie has tripled her sugar consumption, but Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Rarity are fine."

"Can they help us?"

"I don't know... we fought changelings before, but this is different..."

"Whatever, forget it." Carl sighed, knowing that he wouldn't get anywhere with that. "We goin' to Sweet Apple Acres, man. I need to check on AJ anyway, haven't seen her ass in a week."

Twilight grinned. "Do you like her, Carl?"

Oblivious to her implication, Carl smiled. "Jeah... she a good girl, man, she's down-to-Earth, she keeps it real. We gonna need her, I'm tellin' you. Also, I need to get me some apples. I'm hungry and y'all got no chicken."

"Alright, fine. Let's go then." Twilight said, levitating a small saddlebag on her back. "Carl, keep the alicorn horn. You're gonna need it, I have those books about reprogramming and enchanting a source of weaponized magic to use more advanced spells, I will read them while you and Applejack do whatever it is you're going to do."

"We ain't gonna do shit, man. Just talkin'."

"I'll read them while you're talking, then." she turned around, smiling at her number one assistant. "Spike, you're guarding the library. You remember the protocol, right?"

The young drake looked down, letting out a heavy sigh. "Yeah, Twi... but really, I'm not too keen on doing it with changelings, even though they're more attractive than ponies, I don't think I-"

"I told you a hundred times already, Spike. Sexual stimulation is the only sure-fire way to disrupt their hivemind."

"Twilight, you a fuckin' crazy bitch, man!" Carl interjected. "Why you forcin' the lil' fella to bone everythin'? He's too young for that shit!" he said, exasperated. He then turned towards Spike, and kneeled down to his level. "Look, man. You forget the shit that purple nerd's been sayin', a'ight? Any changeling come snoopin' around, you knock the motherfucker out, tie his ass up and throw him in the basement. And if he's any trouble, you pour a few beers down his gullet. Scrawny insect fucks can't possibly handle their liquor too well."

Spike smiled and nodded while Twilight frowned in disapproval.

"Carl, you-"

"Shut the fuck up, horse."

Startled by his own reaction, Carl mentally scolded himself and turned his nigga dial back to 'just chillin''.

"My bad, Twilight. I meant, let's go, girl."

The mare carefully raised an eyebrow. "Uh... okay?"

"Goddamn... I swear, I'mma need to get yo' ass laid when this shit's over."

Knocking on the barn door, Carl sighed as he looked back towards the beautiful orchard. He wouldn't have minded growing up here... why couldn't there be such beautiful sights in San Andreas?

"Applejack! You in here, girl? It's me!"

"What? Who is this?" a raunchy voice called from inside the wooden structure.

"It's CJ, man, yo! C'mon, open the door!" he said, knocking again. "I'm with Twilight, we need to talk to you!"

The door opened almost instantly, a disheveled Applejack standing in front of the young human who recoiled at the sight (and the smell).

"Man, what the fuck you was doin' in there? It smells funny..."

"Ah, uh..." before Applejack could finish, Carl caught a glimpse of a white unicorn mare lying on her back on a stack of hay.

"Okay, okay, look, I don't wanna know. Let's get the fuck outta here, I don't even wanna smell that shit."

"Applejack!" Rarity called.

Carl peeked inside the barn, frowning. "Man, c'mon! Just finish it yourself! We got business to take care of."

"You ugly, uncouth, disgusting... thing!" the purple-maned fashionista spat, her hate for Carl increasing by the second even after not having seen him for a week straight.

"Whatever you say, bitch."

"Carl! Ah'd appreciate it if y'all didn't call mah marefriend a bitch."

He raised an eyebrow at the orange pony. "Oh yeah? And I'd appreciate it if you'd stop thinkin' with your pussy and started helping a nigga out!" he said, shaking his head and pointing a finger towards the distant city of Canterlot. "Now look, we gonna launch a full scale assault on that Chrysalis bitch, alright? And we gon' need all the help we can get. You in?"

"Are ya outta your mind, Carl?"

The human gave her a blank stare. "I'm in a fucked up land full of three feet tall pastel horses who can fly, use telekinesis and blast on each other with fucking laser beams. Of course I'm outta my fucking mind! What you thinkin'? I stopped worryin' about my mind the day I got here, man."

Applejack closed the barn door, attempting to drown out Rarity's shrieking about 'that disgusting ape', 'that nerdy purple cunt' and 'her ruined orgasm'.

"Why would ya ask me to help, Carl? Ah'm just an Earth pony, tryin' to get by... Ah'm not a hero. Ah saved the day with my friends a few times, but without the Elements Ah'm not gonna do much..."

"You're a good pony, AJ, I told you already. You keep it real, unlike most of 'em motherfuckers. You're valuable, and I need you to help us free Celestia and end this shit once and for all, that's all," he said solemnly. "So... you my nigga?"

"You... you really think I'm valuable?"

"Yeah... you may stick your plastic horse dick in crazy, but seriously now, you a good pony, and I'mma need you for this shit, man. For real."

Applejack blushed profusely, trying to hide behind her hat. "Ah don't know... Ah mean, of course Ah'll help ya, but... it sounds awfully dangerous."

"It is, but that's what we gotta do, you know? That shit ain't too different from gangbangin'... we go there, we fuck their shit up and get the place back under our control. I done that shit hundreds of times, and I'm tellin' you, a couple of Balla motherfuckers with AK's have got to be more dangerous than thousands of 'em changeling things."

"Ah don't know what yer talkin' about, but Ah hope yer right, 'cause if ya ain't... we'll be in trouble."

"We are in trouble, Applejack," Twilight chimed, raising her head from her book. "But I have good news! Carl, could you show me the horn, please? I just found a way to enchant it..." she trailed off, giving him a disturbing smirk, "with dark magic!"

"Dark magic? Shit, that sounds cool! What can it do?"

"I don't know... we'll see!"

"A'ight, here," Carl said, presenting the metallic 'weapon' to Twilight.

"Lay it down and take a few steps back," she instructed, focusing as she readied a spell.

"Ah don't know what y'all are talkin' about, but if Ah were ya, I'd be careful..." Applejack murmured to Carl. "Twilight's experimental magic ain't exactly the most reliable of things 'round here..." she said to the young man, who simply shrugged.

A few seconds and two dark purple flashes later, Twilight started jumping around with a large smile plastered on her face. "I did it!"

"Watchu did, man? 'Sup with that thing now?"

"Try it, Carl! I want to see what happens!"

"Careful, sugarcube. Ah know yer immune, but we ain't."

Carl shrugged once again and grabbed the horn, aiming it towards a nearby bush. He pressed the button and recoiled backwards, feeling a sharp pain coursing through his back and forehead.

"What the fuck?"

"CARL! Are ya okay?"

"Man, what the fuck just happened?"

"I..." the color started to drain from Twilight's face as she watched in horror. She had messed up... again.

"MAN, WHAT THE FUCK?" Carl screamed as his hands shot up to his head, only to feel a large, protruding bone. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?" he shrieked, the large horn on his forehead violently shooting uncontrolled spurts of green energy in random directions.

"Carl! Calm down, damn it!" Applejack reared up, trying to wrestle the young man to the ground, only to grab a hoofful of air.

She watched in awe as the horned human started hovering a few feet above the ground, his gigantic dark brown wings flapping frantically.

"Carl... are y'all a princess now?"

Suddenly realizing what his body was doing, he screamed once again, trying to gain control over his new appendages. "AAAAAAH! HELP ME! GET THESE MOTHERFUCKERS OFF ME! YOU FUCKING PURPLE PIECE OF SHIT I SWEAR I'M GONNA-"

"AAAAAAH!" a high-pitched voice came from behind him, making him freeze up and drop to the ground with a grunt.

"Pinkie?" Twilight asked in disbelief, more concerned with the fact Carl was an alicorn and not her, than with his well-being.

"Hiya, Twi! AJ! Ooooh, Carl! Princess Carl, the legendary Alicorn of the Streets! How's the 'hood, doe?"

"...fucking hell! I wanna go home, man." Carl sighed sadly, somehow managing to fold his wings and to ignore Pinkie's antics.

"But, but... your subjects need you!" the party pony replied, confused.

Walking up to the fake horn lying on the ground, Applejack pressed the red button with a hoof, and the human screamed once again, his body reverting back to normal with a cartoon-ish 'pop!'.

"Shit!" he said happily, feeling his forehead with a hand as he looked at the country mare. "Man, you saved my ass! Shit, I love you, man." he pulled her into a crushing bear hug.

"Easy there now, Carl. Ah just... Ah didn't know it'd do that, but Ah wanted to try an' help you."

"Damn... I didn't wanna be no princess, man! Shit's scary," he added, sighing again and turning to Twilight. "What the fuck you did to that thing, man?" he grabbed the horn and frowned, waiting for a (satisfying) answer.

"I... I may have read the wrong paragraph. I enchanted it with... uh..."

"With what?" Applejack asked in apprehension.

"It's draconequus magic, silly," Pinkie said, grabbing the horn and pressing the button with her tail, a pair of large pink breasts popping up from between her forelegs. "Ooooh! What is this? What is this? It looks like fun!"

She pressed the button again, and her body reverted back to normal. She frowned, a dejected expression on her face. "Oh. Not cool."

Twilight raised a hoof. "Um... everypony? Pinkie is right. I did enchant it with draconequus magic..."

"Is it bad?" Carl asked.

"Not really, but..."

"IS IT BAD?" the young man repeated much louder, his patience wearing thin.

"Um, well. To put it simply, it is far more powerful than alicorn magic, but we can't control it. It's chaotic by nature." she said, flipping through the pages of another book. "Apparently, pressing the button a second time will always cancel out the first effect, but... I don't think we can use it. It's too random."

"More random than me?" Pinkie asked, somehow popping out of Twilight's book.

"AAAAH!" the startled unicorn shrieked. "Uh... no," she replied with a frown, quickly regaining her composure. "Definitely not. But we still can't use it."

"Shit!" Carl stood up, looking at the disembodied horn. "Can't you disenchant it or something? I liked it better when it could shoot lasers, man! Giving ponies a huge pair of titties ain't gonna do much to help us."

"I'm trying to find a counter spell..."

"How's it called, anyway? I'm gettin' a strange feelin', like there's someone out there who's tired of callin' it a metallic horn weapon thing."

"Who is it? Who is it?" Pinkie asked, pointing a hoof in a random direction. "Is it that white human over there, slamming his fingers on some flat black plastic thingy?"

OY GEVALT I'VE BEEN DISCOVERED Pinkie, goddammit.

"...back off, man. You scarin' me."

"Don't be a meanie, Carl."

"Girls!" Twilight called out, throwing three books at a nearby changeling. "Help!"

Carl raised an eyebrow at the black insect-like creature, lazily hovering around as it dodged Twilight's books with disconcerting ease.

"Yo, wassup?" he asked, walking towards it.

The creature didn't answer, instead lunging at Carl, his body swiftly doing a U-turn in mid-air before bucking the human in the chest. Carl stoof unfazed as the black hybrid dropped to the ground, clutching its broken hind legs with a forehoof.

He slammed a foot on the changeling's tail and cracked his knuckles, a bored expression on his face. "You really wanna fight me, punk?"

The poor changeling scurried away, losing half of his tail in the process. He eventually gathered enough energy to teleport away after a few seconds of struggling to take flight.

The young man let out a hearty laugh, and pointed at where the changeling bucked him. "Shit, I told you, man! These things ain't gonna do shit!"

"I..." Twilight frowned, suddenly remembering something that maybe, would make things easier for them. "Changelings aren't known for their physical strength..."

"Yeah, no shit..."

"But they're dangerous nonetheless!"

"I beat up grandmas who fought back harder than this, man! We got this shit, I'm tellin' you."

Carl turned around, only to be faced with a large red stallion.

"Uh... yo, wassup, man? What's crackin' witchu?"

"Eee... hum?" Big Mac 'said', confused by Carl's way to greet him. "Ah don't know. How ya doin', partner?"

"What's good?" shaking a red hoof, the human looked around, seeing Applejack walking back into the barn and closing the door. "Fucking horny ponies, man."

"Ah know," Big Mac stated flatly. "Ah'm one o' the only ponies in town who don't think with 'er genitals. Speakin' of which, estrus is startin' in a few days, Ah reckon a big fella like y'all should stay outta town for a while... unless yer into that kinda thing, that is."

"Estruh... what?" Carl asked, suddenly feeling uneasy. "What you talkin' about, man?"

"Estrus," Twilight interjected, smiling. "Heat."

"Heat?"

"Yep. Heat is..." her face suddenly turned livid as realization hit her. "OH NO! Pinkie!" she shrieked, turning to the pink mare. "What are we gonna do?"

"Simple," Pinkie said with a smile, pulling a giant pink vibrator from her mane. "Want it? I got plenty more at home! I thought about throwing a-"

Carl clamped her mouth shut with a hand. "Twilight, what the fuck is this all about?"

"We... we're gonna go into estrus in a couple of days... this is bad. This is really bad."

"What's up with that? What does it do?"

"It's heat, Carl... it gives, uh... it gives mares certain... needs." she said, locking eyes with him before looking away shamefully.

"Hey, don't look at me like that, man! C'mon, I could use some action too. Hell, we all do! It ain't nothin' to be ashamed of."

Fighting back her blush, Twilight continued her explanations. "Yes, but mares in heat tend to behave... um, well, I don't know how to explain it to you, but we won't be of much use for anything other than... than... uh..."

"Shit... when's it startin'?"

"In a few days... three or four, most likely. With all these events, I had totally forgotten about it!"

"Goddamn... we gotta do this shit tomorrow, then. We ain't got no choice."

Twilight blushed, raising a timid hoof and brushing Carl's leg. "You mean..."

"Yo, what the fuck? Get off me, man! I ain't fuckin' no horse!"

"B-but... but you said-"

"I said we need to do this shit tomorrow. I'm talkin' about goin' to Canterlot and fucking up Chrysalis, not screwin' a midget horse! Do I look like fucking Ryder to you?"

Pinkie tapped Twilight on the withers. "What is it, Pinkie?"

"Do changelings go into estrus too?"

"Females do, why?"

"There are female changelings?"

"...yes?"

"Ooooh..."

Carl sighed and turned to Big Mac. "And what happens to us guys durin' this shit, then? We gettin' harrassed and shit by horny mares?"

"Eeyup," the red pony said, deadpanning as usual.

"But uh... males don't start feelin' like they need to hump everythin' in sight, right? Or do they?"

"Eenope."

An idea formed in Carl's mind as he stroked his goatee, thanking whatever deity blessed him with hair that not only would never grow back on its own, but could be grown to any length at a moment's notice by any barber in the state of San Andreas.

"Hey, Mac... how'd you like workin' for the Families, dude?"

The red stallion shot the human an intrigued glance.

"We was plannin' on raiding the castle before estrus, but if them girls are all busy tryna get the dudes, we ain't gonna meet much resistance!"

"It's not gonna work," Twilight said, ruining the mood for everypony (and human).

"Why?"

"Changelings don't go into estrus at the same time we do. It happens monthly for them, but it was last week..." she said, trailing off. "In fact, I think that's how Chrysalis was able to overpower the princess so easily. Sexual fustration vastly increases magical power."

"Man, that's some cliché ass bullshit... but that probably explains why yo' virgin ass is so powerful," Carl replied, giving the flustered unicorn a shit-eating grin.

"Gotta go! Bye!" a voice said out of nowhere, before its owner disappeared in a pink blur.

"Man... how does she... what the fuck is she, Twilight?"

"I don't know... I really don't know, Carl. You shouldn't try to question Pinkie Pie. She just is," Twilight sighed. "And sugar only makes it worse... or better, I suppose it depends on who you ask."

Sitting down in the grass, he sighed and turned to Big Mac, who was simply standing there, apparently waiting to be dimissed. "I'm sorry, man. Go on about yo' business, I'mma find another way."

"Ah'm sorry, Ah'd have liked to help ya, but Ah have plans anyway," the stallion said. "Ah'm goin' to Las Pegasus, meetin' up with a buddy o' mine. Just don't tell Applejack..." he added, licking his lips before walking away.

"Fuck. C'mon Twilight, we need to prepare. We gotta get to Canterlot tonight and do this shit tomorrow before y'all start wanting the D."

"The dee?"

"Just follow me, man."

"But Applejack's gone!"

"She's gettin' pussy, man! We'll get her later. She a friend, you don't cockblock a friend twice in an hour! That ain't what friends do to each other."

"I wouldn't know about that," Twilight replied in disdain. Being a frustrated virgin certainely granted her untold power, far beyond even her mentor's imagination, but it was tough to live at times. And especially since about a week ago or so...
Fucking Spike.

"Twilight! Twilight!" the little drake shouted.

"What?" she turned her head towards the dirt path leading in and out of the Apples' property, only to see a young dragon running as fast as he could with a scroll in his claws. "Spike? What are you doing here?"

Spike stopped in front of her, panting heavily as he tried to catch his breath.

"T-the pr-... the princess! Sh-... she... answered!"

"I hadn't thought of that," Carl chimed in. "We need your scaly ass to contact her, but she don't."

Snatching the letter from Spike's claws, the young man opened it and started reading through it out loud in front of a very flustered Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I do not have much time, so I will be informal.
~~Fucking hell, I'm scared! Goddamn cheeselegs, man! Aw, shit. I think that nigga's been rubbin' off on me, man!~~

...fuck.
I still hate that magic-resistant ink with a burning passion.

[clears throat internally]

I am stuck in the crystal caves with my sister, and I am hoping that I will have enough time to finish writing this letter before the guard is done with... um... I am not sure I want to know exactly what he is doing with the holes in his forelegs.

I know that you cannot possibly rescue me, however I felt something I had not felt in over a millennium earlier this morning, and I simply must inform you of it.
I felt a strange, extremely powerful surge of life energy. It was almost as if a deceased being had been somehow brought back to life... I know that such a thing is close to impossible, but... perhaps you have a book containing information about necromancy?
Either way, I wouldn't worry too much about it if I were you, I am probably just being paranoid.

Speaking of chaos and strangeness, have you seen Carl recently? Is he all right? I don't remember much from that night... I hope nothing happened to him.

I am truly sorry, Twilight Sparkle. I have failed you, and all of Equestria... by being reckless and endangering myself for no good reason. It seems like you are on your own... I will do whatever I can to help you from my current position, but I am afraid Chrysalis' magic is far too strong for me to even consider escaping.
You can reply at anytime between ten thirty and ten forty-five in the evening, as it is the only time sister and I are allowed to be left alone... there are no bathrooms in the crystal caves. Luna has been trying hard not to drop the soap, but even when restrained, my magic prevails over hers.

Poor sister~

Uh, sorry... I digress.
Once again, I am really sorry.

Oh, shit! I just felt something else! Right now!
A violent, brutal surge of chaotic magic... I- AGAIN! Damn, I hope Discord is not- OH BALLS FUCKING GUARD FAGGOT IS DONE GOTTA GO BBL

XOXO CELESTIA

"Well, that sure is somethin'," Carl chuckled, oblivious to Twilight's seething rage. Nopony reads her letters. Nopony.

"She ain't replyin'! She's contactin' us on her own... so she didn't get my letter... shit! At least, it must mean that Chrysalis got it. Bitch is gon' be real busy tryna prepare for my arrival."

"Carl... what exactly did you write on that letter?" Twilight asked, trying to contain her anger.

"I'll explain you later, Twi," Spike said, equally oblivious to her rage as he carefully eyed the human who kneeled down and grabbed an elongated, white metallic object from the ground.

Twilight grabbed the horn in her magic, yanking Carl's arm backwards. "Why did you read my letter, Carl Johnson?"

"What? Man, you trippin' again, c'mon! We gonna-"

"WHY DID YOU READ MY LETTER, YOU BURNT APE?"

"Hey yo, back off, you... uh... purple cracker bitch!" he said, pointing the weapon at Twilight.

"Just try it!" she screamed, readying a powerful offensive spell of her own.

"Oh, dude!" Spike said, pulling a bowl of popcorn from behind him as Carl pressed the red button once again. A strange, brief beeping sound echoed throughout the land, startling Twilight and causing her to unleash her spell, completely obliterating a blue-maned orange pegasus who just happened to fly nearby.

The lavender mare jumped and turned around, gazing at the now flattened orchard. "CAAAARL!" she shrieked, wincing as intense sunlight reflected off the gleaming metal. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA DID YOU JUST DO?"

"CJ! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" Spike shouted, sending half-chewed popcorn flying everywhere as he pointed a claw at the giant contraption standing before the three of them.

"...HOLY MOTHERFUCKER!" Carl screamed, his eyes lighting up as adrenaline started to flow through his veins in anticipation.

Green Thunder

Author's Note

This chapter feels a little rushed to me, despite having taken me way too long. I'm starting to struggle in terms of vocabulary... it gets repetitive, I desperately need to take a trip in an English-speaking country.

Anyway, the next chapter might take a while as well, as June is a particularly crappy month for me, and between the recent heat wave and my birthday, it's like everything is going to hell at once, and I feel like shit.
Which means I'm not really in the mood to write.

My next 'normal' story will probably be about Twilight, but with a twist (a stupid one, as usual). Expect it around late July or so.

Green Thunder

"My Queen! My Queen!"

Chrysalis sighed for the umpteenth time today. Why couldn't her minions understand that she needed some time alone? Also, why couldn't they obey an order as simple as 'don't fucking enter the damn room'?
And why were they so good? She couldn't afford to do anything to them. As annoying as they were, the benefits of having such skilled, highly trained drones far outweighed the problems caused by their lack of understanding of the word 'privacy'.
Major con of the whole hivemind thing...

"What is it, minion?"

"My Queen, I, um..."

"Speak up!"

"I'm sorry, my Queen! I was walking past the princesses' bathroom, and I... um, heard them. I think there is something you should know."

Chrysalis simply nodded, inviting her guard to continue.

"I heard Princess Celestia talking about some sort of ape creature that she summoned in Equestria about a week ago. She was using strange words to describe him, and she seemed to be really longing for him..."

"Humph," Chrysalis scoffed. "So on top of being the useless, arrogant cunt she is... she's an apefucker?"

"Uh? I-I... I don't know, my Queen."

"Whatever! And how is this information any relevant to me?"

The guard shifted uneasily, looking away from the larger female changeling. "I... we, your royal guard, believe you need love, my Queen."

Chrysalis raised an uninterested eyebrow. "I have friendship," she stated, pointing a hoof at the five artifacts around her slender neck. Twilight's crown was sitting on top of her head, held in place by her jagged horn.

"I know, my Queen. But what if you could transform into that creature, and feed off Celestia's love for it... him... whatever it is? You would become even stronger! Especially since now, you can transform into male creatures."

The queen seemed to be considering that option, before waving a dismissing hoof. "Perhaps. I appreciate your... hm, foresight. I will consider it," she said, levitating a small device in front of the changeling guard. "Once the two princesses are back in their cell, go and put this thing in their bathroom."

"What is it, my Queen?"

Chrysalis smirked, placing another device on a table next to her throne.

"A bug."

Carl had a hard time believing it, but there it was, standing before him... a fully equipped Boeing AH-64 Apache, colloquially referred to as a 'Hunter' in San Andreas.
The metal beast was fitted with a M230 chain gun, two Hydra 70 rocket pods and eight AGM-114 Hellfire missiles.

"Aw, man! This a sight for sore eyes..."

"W-what... how... what is it?" Twilight asked, her brain still trying to process the sight of a combat helicopter. Not that she had any idea what a helicopter was, but while the concept of a rotor was rather familiar to her, she couldn't even begin to comprehend the gigantic hunk of metal it was attached to.

"It's a Hunter," Carl said, pointing at the army green wings. "Apache combat helicopter."

"What does it do?" she asked, slowly taking a step towards the giant machine.

"It's a combat aircraft, man... it can fly and shoot. You see this shit?" the young man asked, pointing a finger towards the mounted machine gun. "This thing right there shoots bullets, and there are missiles and rockets on the wings."

"I... I don't know what those things are. What do they do?"

"What do they do? They fuck shit up! C'mon, I'mma show you." he said, walking up to the chopper and rubbing a hand against the gleaming metal. "Damn, we ain't gonna need anything or anyone else, man! With this bad motherfucker right there? We can level Canterlot in a matter of seconds."

Twilight snorted. "B-but, but! We can't do that! If we destroy the castle, then the princesses will-"

"CARL JOHNSON! WHAT IN THE HELL DID Y'ALL DO TO MY ORCHARD?"

"Aw, shit!" Carl sighed. "Look AJ, I don't know what happened, but I'm tellin' you, it ain't important, alright? You see this thing? That means we won, man."

"Ah swear, CJ, if you don't-"

"Hey, c'mon!" he picked up Applejack in his arms, cutting her off. "I promise I'll help you grow some more trees and shit later, but for now, we got a kingdom to take back! 'Know what I'm sayin'? Let's move!"

Applejack frowned, jumping on the ground. "Ah hope for yer sake yer tellin' the truth, CJ. Ah'd hate to have to buck ya in yer private parts. 'Specially this time o' the year."

"You fucking what?"

After inspecting the helicopter for a few seconds, Twilight shook her head and glanced briefly towards Carl. "Which one of us should go with you? There are only two seats." she asked, interrupting his stare contest with the country mare.

"Y'all are small as shit, so you can both fit in the same seat. We ain't got time to fuck around, if that bitch got my letter then she's probably expectin' something to happen. Probably not that, but the more time we leave her to get ready... let's go already, c'mon! Shit, what we even waitin' for?"

Carl patted Applejack on the head and jumped in the pilot's seat, letting out a sigh of relief. He hadn't flown in a few weeks, but that wasn't something one could simply forget. He took a few seconds to check the various systems, and called out for the two mares who were still gawking at him - or rather, at the chopper.

"Yo, move yo' asses!"

"Wait, CJ!" Applejack shouted, glancing behind her. "My sister says she can help you!"

Raising an eyebrow, Carl climbed out of the chopper and raised the other eyebrow at a very, very small, pale yellow pony with a pink bow in her dark red mane. The filly was trotting up to Applejack, carrying a little blue thing in her mouth.

"Hey, cracker!" he yelled, taking a few steps towards her and flashing an aggressive ghetto sign. "Wassup?"

"Uh... mister Carl, is it? It's a pleasure ta' meet y'all! Ah'm Apple Bloom. Mah sis' talks about ya a lot."

Applejack blushed and waved a dismissive hoof at her little sister. Carl just kneeled down and shook the little pony's hoof.

"'Sup, man. What's poppin'?"

Apple Bloom motioned to the blue scroll on the ground next to her. "Ya see, a few months ago, me an' the other Crusaders, we tried ta' get our cutie marks in burglary. We tried ta' steal Princess Celestia's crown an' all! It didn't work, but we had ta' get the blueprints of the castle to know how ta' get in. Ya can take 'em! It'll probably help ya."

"You for real, lil' girl?" Carl smiled, grabbing the blueprint and examinating it. "Shit! This gon' be real useful." he said, turning to Applejack. "Man I'm tellin' you, your family is fucking great."

"One more thing, mister Carl?" Apple Bloom raised a hoof and tugged on Carl's pants.

"Jeah?"

"Ah don't know where the princess are bein' held up, but Ah reckon they could be in the Crystal Caves. It's a secret underground place, a network of caves made of crystal, deep below the castle. The entrance is on the blueprints, but Ah don't have a map of the caves or anythin'. Ah thought ya'd wanna know. Anyway, Ah hope ya gonna succeed. Ah'd hate ta' see mah sister puttin' her trust in somepony who ain't reliable."

The young man chuckled and patted Apple Bloom on the head. "Don't worry, lil' girl. Twi, AJ and I, we gon' storm the place." he said confidently as the little filly walked back into the farmhouse. "Gonna show 'em motherfuckers who's gangsta. Twilight, nigga!"

"Yes, Carl?" the unicorn inquired, still not fully used to the human's strange language.

"Let's go. When's the Sun goin' down, by the way? And who's even movin' the damn thing if both princesses are locked up?"

"Don't worry Carl, Princess Celestia is powerful. She can easily move the Sun from... wherever she is. She's connected to the Sun itself, so she doesn't even need actual magic to do it."

"A'ight, whatever. C'mon!" he said, jumping back into the chopper and giving a hand to both (frightened) ponies, helping them to get into the co-pilot's seat.

He put on his helmet and headphones, and took a deep voice. "Welcome aboard! You're flying CJ Airlines, and this yo' captain, CJ. Temperature outside is too damn hot, and we headin' for Canterlot. Hope y'all gon' enjoy yo' flight."

He didn't consider the fact that neither Twilight or Applejack could hear him over the increasingly loud roaring of the blades, but he didn't really care. He didn't care about how scared both of them were, either.

"CARL! STOP THIS THING, I WANNA GET OFF! IT'S TOO LOUD! WE'RE TOO HIGH!"

"C'mon, Twi! Get a grip!" Applejack grabbed her friend's hoof, forcing the purple mare to look at her. "He seems to know what he's doin'. Ah was scared at first but damn, Ah feel invincible in this thing."

"But it's impossible! It's too heavy to take off! It's too big to fly! It's too-"

"Twi, listen. Ah know yer all sciency an' stuff, but look! Yer magic probably looks just as freaky to him, as this giant machine thingy does to us. It's somethin' we don't know and didn't believe could even exist, but it's here, right? The way Ah see it, if it's gonna help us, why should we bother tryin' to understand how it works as long as it does work?"

"Applejack, you can't understand. It's just not possible!"

"Ah wonder why yer more intrigued by how this thing works than by the fact it even appeared in Equestria in the first place. How's that even possible?"

"I don't know. It's probably because I... messed up an enchanting spell. An average spell gone wrong can have much more potent effects than an obscenely powerful spell executed correctly. And I think I accidentally charged the-"

Both ponies were thrown against the side of the cockpit as the metal beast swerved violently, the gigantic castle of Canterlot suddenly in sight.

"CAAAARL!" the unicorn shouted, annoyance taking over once more.

"Uh, Twilight? Ah think ya should try to get this thing on." Applejack said, motioning towards a pair of headphones lying nearby. The lavender unicorn frowned and levitated the pair of (too small) headphones around her head.

"CARL! CAN YOU HEAR ME? STOP THIS THING AT ONCE!"

A chuckle was heard, followed by a clicking noise.

"Shit no, we ain't stoppin'. Now you both hang on, girls. We gon' let 'em know we mean business." Carl smiled and flicked a panel open, revealing a red button. "Warning shot!" he shouted, pressing the button.

Twilight shielded her eyes from the explosion with a hoof.

"A little low."

"CAAAAAARL! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?" she shrieked, watching as the fire started to consume the remains of what was once Fancy Pants' manor.

"Shit. I haven't piloted one of these things in a long time, man! Gimme a break! Now we're just- uh... damn!"

"Carl? Hello? What's wrong?" Twilight started to panic, frantically screaming in the little microphone.

"Shit! I forgot the damn horn back in the orchard!"

"Let's go back, then!"

"No way, fuck that, I'm gonna level the place instead."

"YOU'LL KILL THE PRINCESSES!"

"They're fucking immortal!"

"CARL I SWEAR IF YOU-" Twilight was cut off by a deep rumbling, followed by the sound of metal stressing and a strange hissing screech. She glared in terror as a trail of smoke rapidly made its way towards the main entrance of the castle.

"Hellfire away."

"NOOOOOO!"

"For fuck's sake!" Carl swore angrily, the now familiar sight of a dark green force field bringing back rather bad memories. The missile hadn't been deflected, but it had simply exploded harmlessly in mid-air upon hitting the magical shield. "Shit, I don't have enough ammo to be poundin' this motherfucker for hours!"

He turned the helicopter around, heading for a small field not far from the castle. He landed the metal beast and stopped the engine, picking up a MP5 submachine gun that was conveniently lying on the floor of the cockpit. "Better than nothin'..." he sighed, getting out of the aircraft and helping the two terrified mares down.

Twilight looked around in a mix of annoyance, fear and apprehension. "Now what?"

"I don't know, man. I guess you right, I should have planned ahead... I should have known, things ain't never that easy. Say, you know what this green force field thing is?"

"Yes. It's a very basic defensive spell used by changelings. Basic, but extremely effective. It's self-sustaining, and-"

"I know, I know! Uh... look, it doesn't matter. Can we walk through it?"

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Of course, any living being can get through it. It's just a shield that blocks incoming offensive magic," she said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Offensive magic? So you sayin' the bird was fitted with magic Hellfire missiles?"

"I don't know," she replied, raising the other eyebrow. "What bird?"

"Shit. I should have tried the M230."

"The onto- what?"

"Twi, CJ, can y'all stop arguing for a second here?" Applejack asked, exasperated. "Ah'm tryin' to read this here thing," she added, pointing at the blueprints in her hoof. "Damn it, this is confusing."

"Lemme see this shit," Carl said, snatching up the paper. "Meh, we ain't gonna need this. Look, this shit real simple," he said, grinning and cocking his weapon for dramatic effect. "All we gotta do is find that Chrysalis girl, and show her what's crackin'."

"We can't do that, Carl! Have you lost your mind? This isn't even dangerous, it's suicidal. I'm gonna go back home, okay? Maybe I'll find a book or something to help us."

"What fucking book? Twilight, for real, I swear if you teleport away I'm gonna-" Carl froze up as the purple mare teleported away. "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!" he screamed, slamming his fist against a nearby tree. "What the fuck is wrong with that bitch? What the fuck's her problem?"

"Ah don't know," Applejack replied, shaking her head. "But she's right, CJ. We better go home. This would be suicide, we don't stand a chance. That metal bird of yours apparently ain't workin' against 'em, and we're alone."

"Maybe we can go back and grab the horn or somethin'? I bet I could take all of them motherfuckers on at once if I-" once again, Carl froze up as he heard footsteps behind him. He quickly turned around, aiming his MP5 at a young Earth pony mare with an aquamarine coat and mane, and dark cerise eyes. "Lyra? Is that you, girl?"

The mysterious pony shook her head, and extended a hoof. "Who Lyra? I of Minty. What name is you?"

Carl raised an eyebrow. Something about this pony was definitely off. Maybe it was the way she casually walked up to them to introduce herself, or her strange speech pattern and accent, or the way she looked at him, or... yeah.
Better make a list of what was not off about her.

She also seemed the be the only living creature wandering in the open, somehow. Perhaps Carl's little stunt with the Hunter scared every other surviving pony and they all barricaded themselves in their homes or something?

Brushing those irrelevant thoughts aside, he reluctantly shook her hoof. "My name's Carl. What's up?"

"Minty of hearings you and orange pony are look of way for enter castle, yes? Minty of helpings, da?"

"What you sayin'?"

The mare snorted, visibly annoyed. "Minty is of helping you. You get enterings of castle."

"Uh... yeah? I guess, yeah. We wanna find a way to enter the castle. Why? You really think you can help us?"

"Da."

"What you gonna do?"

"There of secret way inside castle if you of stealth. Minty is stealth. Minty is get you in," the strange mare said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Follow lead of Minty."

Carl and Applejack exchanged worried glances.

"Let's be careful 'round this mare, partner. There's somethin' real fishy about her."

"No shit." the young man replied, holding tighter onto his weapon.

He had had pretty bad experiences with Russians.

"Minty would of preferrings if you not stop to fight like cyka blyat every five minutes."

"It wasn't my fault, man!" Carl said, flustered. For the second time, he had been pounced and immobilized by that large white stallion. "Motherfucker's paranoid or somethin'. His bitch ain't even my type! Fuck, can't a brother check a bitch out without white folks dissin'?"

"Minty is not care. Very dangerous place here, many comrades have of fallings in battle. Death will making you not care of type. Move."

"She's right, Carl. We can't stay out in the open for too long. Ya heard Shining Armor, even he and Princess Cadance didn't stand a chance. It's a miracle they managed to walk away, and unscathed! They probably didn't meet Chrysalis herself... she'd have killed 'em outright."

"They're pussies, man!"

"No, they're not," Applejack stated, glaring at Carl. "They're extremely powerful. They're the ones who defeated Chrysalis the last time. Besides, why would ya do somethin' like that? Ya know ya can't just walk up to a mare and slap her flank, right? Especially not when her husband's right here by her side... Ah didn't think Ah'd ever say that but, have y'all been raised in a barn?"

"Man, I don't give a shit. I'm gangsta."

"Whatever ya say. Ah reckon yer gonna have to step up yer game, though, 'cause where we're goin', it ain't gonna be one stallion pouncing you."

"Heh... what about you, AJ? You ain't nervous 'bout this shit?"

"Ah am, Carl," she replied, looking around in a mix of sadness and anxiety. "Ah am."

A few minutes later, the trio arrived in front of a large wooden door.

"There. You of quiet inside," Minty said, pointing a hoof towards an unguarded entrance. "Changelings of stupid like kebab but good hearings like Serb."

"Ain't this a little too easy?" Carl asked, glancing at Applejack. "No guards or anything? It's like the bitch wants us to get inside."

"Ya think she's expectin' us?"

"We'll find out soon enough."

Minty turned around and frowned. "Minty say last time. You of shutting mouth now, or Minty crack skull with hoof. Vy poni'maete?"

Once again, the human and the country mare exchanged weird glances, deciding to stay silent as they followed the strange mare down a large, empty corridor.

"Here royal room, is Tsaritsa inside. You can of enterings and make kill. Minty is leave now."

Before Carl could react, the aquamarine pony was gone. "Man, who the fuck was this girl?"

"Ah don't know, but we're here... and we haven't even seen one single changeling so far. Ah don't like this, CJ. Something's wrong."

"Maybe Twilight was full of shit, and there ain't hundreds of 'em?" he said, shrugging. "Yeah, that must be it," he added, slowly pushing open the large golden doors.

Chrysalis raised her head from her book and stared at the two intruders. One of them was an Element of Harmony, and the other a tall, hairless brown-ish ape wearing strange clothes. He was holding in his hands a black piece of metal, which he was training on her.

"Chrysalis! I've come for you, you motherfucker!"

The changeling queen smirked, knowing that she was way too powerful to be defeated or even threatened by anything at this point, much less by these two puny creatures. When she intercepted the letter, she thought that strange creature could become a problem, but this?
She wouldn't even break a sweat against a hundred like him.

"So, you are the creature Celestia has taken a liking to, huh? Interesting... now, now, I am feeling generous. So before I kill you both, I will allow you to state your identity, and the reason of your... intrusion. Maybe I will even allow you to live long enough to see the glorious things changelings will do to New Equestria!"

Carl cocked his MP5 once again. "Yeah, yeah. You keep talkin', you scrawny piece of shit. The only thing your ass is gonna do is free the princesses and get the fuck off their 'hood, unless you want me to splatter your brains all over the fucking walls."

"Such vulgarity," the queen said, smiling. She pointed a hoof towards Applejack. "You. Aren't you an Element? Why would you be walking around with such a foul, ugly, ignorant beast?"

Applejack put a hoof against Carl's leg. "CJ, please, don't," she pleaded as he cocked his gun for the third time today.

The young man smiled, lining up his sights with Chrysalis' forehead. "Any last words?"

"Quite a few, in fact," Chrysalis replied, grabbing Carl and Applejack with her magic, and causing the submachine gun to simply blink out of existence. "For one, nothing resists changeling magic."

The queen's smirk grew even larger as both intruders disappeared engulfed in green flames before they could react.

Her horn shut down as she took a sip of her coffee. "We're gonna need some new cells," she said to herself, smirking as a familiar mare entered the room. "Thanks, Minty. You did really good."

"Da, tovarisch." The Earth pony's eyes flashed green as her body reverted back to its normal form. "I mean, anytime, my Queen."

For the first time in centuries, Chrysalis erupted in hearty, genuine laughter.

"Ah hate you, CJ."

"Fuck you, man."

Both Carl and Applejack were stranded in a small room, deep underground, below the castle. Large crystals adorned the walls, giving the makeshift jail cell an eerie, almost ethereal atmosphere.

"How the hell could I have known I wasn't immune to this shit? I thought Celestia was the most powerful magic user, and she couldn't do shit against me!"

"Who cares! What are we gonna do, now? We're stuck here! The last time somepony escaped the Crystal Caves, it was Twilight and Princess Cadance. They both have alicorn grade magic! Hell, Cadance is an alicorn. Ah'm an Earth pony, and you're a human! We can't do anythin' to get out!"

"I don't know, man, but I'm fucking pissed here."

"Why?"

"Why?" Carl said angrily, getting up. "WHY? I killed thousands of motherfuckers back home! I took down entire crack factories, I jacked a mafia casino, I murdered government agents, I wiped out all the Ballas and the Vagos by myself! Hell, I even survived Catalina's wrath for nearly a week straight! And now, I get locked up by a fucking piece of shit insect bitch in a magical pastel world?"

"CJ, calm down! We're gonna-"

"Hell no, I ain't calmin' down! You shut the fuck up! I MADE IT, A'IGHT? I RULE THE FUCKING STREETS!" Carl screamed in fury, slamming his fists against a nearby crystal wall, creating a small fissure in it.
A deep rumbling echoed through the network of caves as the fissure grew, eventually splitting the wall in two and causing its remains to shatter, revealing another, much larger room in which two familiar ponies were sleeping.

Unfazed by what had just happened, Applejack simply jumped over the debris and trotted up to the sleeping princesses. "Princess Celestia? Princess Luna? What are y'all doin' here? Are ya alright?"

"What the fuck?" Carl 'asked' to nopony in particular, having just realized it only took him 1.21 niggawatts to break out of his 'cell'. He followed Applejack into the adjacent room, which looked more like a conventional prison cell, complete with a large gate and a sleeping changeling guard on a chair right outside.

"Is she for real?" the young man asked again to nopony in particular. "Walls that can be broken through using only moderate blunt force, and a single guard, which should prove easy enough to subdue?"

"Carl, what's wrong with your language? Yer speakin' in fancy!"

Carl shook his head. "I don't know, man. I suddenly wanted to try soundin' like Twilight for once, but... it ain't workin' with me, is it?"

"Hell no! Please, don't do that again."

"A'ight, I won't," he said, looking at the two alicorns. "Now what? We wake 'em up and get the fuck outta here or something?"

"No, we need a plan," Applejack said, glancing at the two large ponies restrained by large shackles wrapped around their hind legs, and small golden rings around the base of their horns. "Ya remember the last time we rushed in without a plan?" she added, motioning to the metal chain holding the shackles to the wall. "Can ya break these cuffs?"

Carl shrugged. "I can break those cuffs."

"Then do it."

You must tear off your chain~

"Wait up, we gotta wake 'em up, first. Celestia put me through a lot of shit, but she's a good girl, I guess. We gotta let her know she's gonna be alright, you know? And who's that blue girl, anyway?"

The country mare stared at Carl, her expression somewhere along the lines of 'm8 ill fukin cut u'. "It's Princess Luna, CJ! You never met her?"

"No, but damn, she lookin' good."

Applejack blushed and looked away. "Whatever, wake 'em up and help 'em, Ah'll keep an eye on the guard."

Carl nodded and prodded Celestia's muzzle with a finger. It didn't wake her up, however, only causing her to sneeze, spraying Carl's forearm in wet mucus.

"Son of a bitch!" the human shrieked, recoiling in disgust as Celestia stirred, slowly rousing from her sleep.

"Lulu... raise it, lemme sleep more..." she slurred, attempting to move away from Carl. The shackles prevented her from doing so, and she instantly opened her eyes, suppressing a scream as she saw a young human and one of the Elements of Harmony standing next to a gaping hole inside a wall.

"Yer awake, Princess?" Applejack asked, trotting up to Celestia and nuzzling her neck.

"Applejack... Carl? What are you doing here?"

Carl kneeled down in front of the white mare and petted her head. "C'mon now, it's alright, girl. I told you I'd come for you, man. You ain't got my letter but it doesn't matter. I wasn't gonna let you rot in here while Chrysalis is roamin' free. C'mon, we gotta move, that bitch is going down. Wake up the blue girl and we outta here, baby."

Somehow compelled to do as Carl said, Princess Celestia slowly rose to her feet and nudged her sister awake. The blue alicorn looked around with a bored expression on her sleepy face. "Why hast thou waken us up, sister?"

Carl took a step towards the princess of the night. "Hey yo, girl! What's up?" he asked, extending a hand.

"Who art thou?"

"Name's Carl. We can get to know each other later, man, we gotta get outta here right now."

Luna propped herself up using a front hoof and raised an eyebrow. "How dost thou suggest we do that?"

"I don't know, man!"

Luna groaned and fell back to the ground with a cartoon-ish 'thump'.

"Look, we can figure it out later, alright? Let's just get outta this shithole and kill the guard, then we make our way up and, uh... shit. Any of you got a plan?"

The three mares facehoofed as Carl crossed his arms, displeased.

"Neither my sister or I can use our magic," Celestia stated in a sulking tone.

"Why not?"

The white mare pointed to the metal ring at the base of her horn with a hoof. "Magic restraints. They only allow us to use very basic telekinesis, at a level barely matching that of a young unicorn. And it's impossible to take these off with our hooves."

"Why? Are they enchanted or something?"

"No, but they are resistant to our weak magic, and we just can't reach our horns with our hooves."

"Why don't ya take each other's off then?" Applejack chimed in.

"Sounds kinky," Carl added, earning from the two diarchs a blush and a death glare, respectively.

"It's impossible to do so with hooves. They're too small and grip our horns too tightly."

He shrugged and reached for Celestia's horn, causing her to squirm as he effortlessly plucked the magic ring off her bony appendage. "You was sayin'?"

"Using yer hands is cheatin', Carl," Applejack stated with a grin, ignoring Celestia's embarrassed expression.

"Whatever," he said, reaching for Luna's horn as she attempted to back herself up against the wall.

"'Sup, baby? I'm just gon' help you."

"STAY AWAY FROM US, THOU FOUL APE!"

"Tough shit."

The ring came off just as easily as Celestia's did, and Luna immediately fired a powerful offensive spell. As expected, it harmlessly ricocheted off Carl's body and hit the sleeping guard through the metal bars, causing his body to twitch for a few seconds before going limp, falling off the chair.

"WHAT HAST THOU MADE US DO?" Luna shrieked at a less than impressed Carl. He wrapped a hand around her horn and looked into her eyes, oblivious to Celestia's blush and hate-filled glare.

"Don't trip," he said calmly, letting go off her magic source as she slumped over on the ground.

"Uh, Carl?" Applejack inquired. "Ah don't think ya should keep touchin' ponies' horns like that, ya know?"

"I don't give a shit. Look. We could have been outta here half an hour ago, alright? Y'all gonna keep talkin', or are we gonna move already and take that fucking kingdom back?"

He helped both princesses up and raised an eyebrow as Luna's horn started to glow, a magic aura forming around the four of them. The three ponies disappeared in a bright blue flash of light which blinded him, causing him to stagger backwards, alone in the prison cell as he suddenly remembered that he was immune to pony magic.

"Son of a bitch."

Farewell, My Queen...

Carl was screaming in anguish, his screams accompanied by violent punches easily smashing through the seemingly endless amount of crystal walls separating him from freedom.

"COME!"

He slammed a fist against yet another crystal wall.

"BACK!"

'Fuck! That one hurt!'

"YOU!"

'My fucking knuckles, man!'

"FUCKING!"

'How many of these fucking walls are there?'

"ASSHOLES!"

'Huh?'

Carl smiled, wiping the sweat off his brow. Finally, something other than yet another crystal wall... well, a giant crystal staircase. He started walking up the (seemingly endless) flight of stairs while rubbing his sore hand with the other.

'Man, I hope the homies back in LS are doin' fine... it's like 'em motherfuckers can't do shit without me.'

"Well done, Luna... you left Carl stranded down there, all alone!" Celestia fumed, glaring at her sister.

"We... we may have done this on purpose."

"I know you did, I hate you."

"Uh, princesses?" Applejack chimed in. "Maybe y'all could wait until we're outta here to start bickerin' an' all? We need to go back and get him, as annoyin' as he can get, we're gonna need him!"

Luna sneered. "Why?"

"Because! Just trust me, princess, Ah'm startin' to know him well, and he's our only chance."

Celestia shook her head. "But how can we get him out of the caves if neither my sister or I can teleport him?"

"Ah don't know, but Ah don't think he's exactly 'all alone' down there. He ain't immune to changeling magic, so if he runs into trouble..." Applejack trailed off, looking down at the ground.

"We must go back!" Celestia declared, spreading her wings. Luna stared at her, dumbfounded.

"Sister, why do you insist on... we know you tried to follow our advice, but we thought you... sister. What are you really trying to do with that ape?"

"He's not an ape!"

"He is."

"Is not."

"Is too!"

"BOTH OF Y'ALL, SHUT THE HELL UP!"

Celestia and Luna froze up, staring at Applejack with their jaws hanging.

"Ah know those are tough times an 'all, but y'all can't start fightin' now! Everypony's countin' on the both of ya, princesses! All of Equestria is countin' on ya, Ah ain't tryin' to say ya ain't doing yer job correctly, but... Ah'm scared. Ah'm sure Carl is scared too, and probably every single pony in Equestria is scared. Ya need to stop arguing over stupid things and start actin' like real leaders! Look at us, since we got out of those caves, Ah'm the only one who behaved normally! Ah've been leadin' us all the way back inside the castle proper while y'all kept arguing over things that don't even matter!"

The dark blue alicorn silently stared at her sister, then at Applejack.

"We will go find him. You stay here with our dear subject Applejack, sister. We will make up for our wrongdoings."

Before Luna could teleport away, a loud bang echoed through the entire room, followed by a bunch of debris showering the three ponies as a nearby wall exploded. Two familiar figures jumped out of the newly formed hole and rolled on the ground, screaming and struggling.

"CJ! Minty? What are y'all doin'?"

Carl managed to free his left hand and wrapped it around the green mare's neck, preventing her from biting him. "HOW YOU LIKE THAT SHIT, HUH?" he screamed as he started to furiously slam his bruised fist into her face, blood flying from her broken nose with each consecutive hit.

"STOP IT, YER GONNA KILL HER!" Applejack shrieked, horrified.

"THAT'S THE FUCKING PLAN!"

"BREAK IT UP!" Celestia shouted, using the royal Canterlot voice. She grabbed Minty in her magical grip and levitated her about a dozen feet into the air. "Carl, if you ever attempt to take the life of one of my subjects again, I will-"

"She ain't one of your damn subjects! What the fuck would a normal pony be doin' in the castle anyway? She's a fucking changeling! That bitch led me and AJ right into her queen's trap! I'm gonna fucking kill her!"

Keeping the unconscious mare out of Carl's reach, Celestia shook her head. "So, is this really an everyday thing to you? Brutally murdering a poor creature?"

"She ain't no poor creature! She was gonna get us killed! She led us here, and Chrysalis said she was gonna kill us! I don't know why she didn't, but had she tried, who the fuck'd have stopped her? We'd be fucking dead!"

Luna and Applejack quickly exchanged disturbed glances as Carl walked up to Celestia, putting a hand on her withers. "Look, man, I ain't tryin' to kill anything, but I don't take kindly to being tricked and nearly killed, a'ight? So I want revenge on that bitch, can you understand that?"

The white alicorn sighed, motioning to Minty's bloody, swollen face. "Changelings cannot keep up a disguise if they fall unconscious."

"She is a fucking changeling! I saw her in her original form, and she quickly morphed back into that green bitch before attacking me!"

"Nonsense. Why would a changeling transform into an Earth pony to fight?"

"HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW?" the human screamed, exasperated.

Celestia sighed again, trying to find something in Carl's gaze, something that could betray him... but if he was lying, then he was the best liar she had ever seen in nearly four millennia.

"If you are telling the truth, then you must have damaged her to the point she lost most of her magical abilities, and cannot even revert to her original form anymore. Don't you think that is already enough of a revenge?"

Carl shrugged. "Whatever... that doesn't even make any sense. But I'mma tell you what, you're not gonna stop me from killing Chrysalis."

Celestia looked away from Carl, and through a nearby window. Dozens of changeling drones were buzzing about, occupying and defiling the beautiful city of Canterlot. Her city. "I wouldn't dream of it," she said coldly. "How did you escape the crystal caves, anyway?" she asked, dropping the critically wounded changeling to the ground like an old sack of potatoes.

"Same way I broke yo' asses out. I can smash those crystal walls to pieces with a single punch."

Luna glared at Carl with a thoughtful expression upon her face. "Hm. Perhaps we should have listened to you, sister. This cheap faux crystal and tinted glass alloy wasn't the sturdiest of building materials."

"I told you, Luna."

"Sister. Applejack. Carl. Come on, we must find a way to surprise her."

Celestia shook her head. "I don't think this is even possible. She's far too powerful... although she's probably not expecting us. Does anypony got an idea?"

A low grunt came from the other side of the room, causing the four 'comrades' to turn their heads towards the source of the noise. Minty was lying on the ground, a trail of blood mixed with saliva dripping down her broken nose, and pooling around her jaw, onto the marble floor.

Carl walked up to her and put his arms akimbo, towering over the heavily wounded changeling. "Not feelin' so fuckin' full of yourself now, huh?" he raised a foot above her head, ready to finish her off.

"K-kill... kill me... please!"

Taken aback, he recoiled, lowering his foot and crouching down to her level. Why would she be pleading for death? Sure, he beat her up pretty good, but surely he hadn't fucked her up to the point that she would have to live with medical assistance for the rest of her life or anything...
She looked at him with teary eyes, and even her eyelids were covered in blood.

"P-please... I have failed..."

"No shit, you failed. Next time, you'll know better than to fuck with the Grove."

"My queen will... hurt... torture! Please, kill me!"

"What's she gonna do to you?"

"I... don't... torture... pain... death!"

"Yo, princess!" Carl turned around and called out, nearly falling on his ass when he saw both alicorns right next to him, towering over him in his current stance. "What's she talkin' about?"

"As far as I know, changelings have a very strict code of conduct. I am willing to bet that death is better than whatever they do to a guard who has let a prisoner escape," Celestia said humbly, closing her eyes. "Let alone four."

Minty groaned again, although her speech was getting a little better. "I just... I followed orders... never wanted to get you killed... please, kill me before she gets to me!"

Carl raised an eyebrow. "Who's tellin' me you ain't tryna trick us again?"

Applejack jabbed a hoof in Carl's side, causing him to lose balance and actually fall on his ass this time.

"Shit! What was that for, man?"

"Carl, yer an idiot," the orange pony stated. "She's askin' for ya to kill her! Why would she believe that would make you spare her life? Ya were going to kill her if Princess Celestia hadn't stopped ya, and ya were going to kill her again if she hadn't said anything. And look at her! She knows it."

"I guess you're right..."

"Go ahead, Carl," Celestia said, looking away. "But don't make her suffer more than necessary, please. Do it quickly."

Carl got up and turned to Celestia, crossing his arms. "Shit no, I ain't killin' her. Look, can you patch her up?"

Raising an eyebrow, the white alicorn answered hesitantly. "I suppose so... I can heal her flesh wounds, but I cannot heal the damage you have caused to her body or brain. This is permanent, and she will not be able to revert to her changeling form. Ever."

Ignoring the changeling's pleas as she kept begging for death, Carl grabbed one of her front hooves and nodded to Celestia. "Do it. I have an idea."

Luna put up a defensive spell around Applejack and nodded to her sister. The white alicorn reluctantly took a step closed to Minty, lowering her horn as it started glowing brightly. She touched Minty's bruised forehead with it, causing ripples of light to envelop the weeping changeling's body. A few seconds later, the now healed aquamarine mare grunted, looking up to Carl with large, damp eyes.

"W-why? Why did you do that? You... you were going to kill me. Why didn't you finish it? Why didn't you-" she froze up when Carl squeezed her front hoof tighter, causing her to yelp as he shot her an angry, yet concerned glare.

"Now you shut the fuck up, and you listen to me. We're gonna get rid of your queen, and you're gonna help us," he said, cracking his neck loudly. "In return, you stay alive and she won't be able to do anything to you. This shit simple enough for you?"

"You can't protect me from her! She's too dangerous! What are you four gonna do?"

Carl deadpanned and Applejack chimed in. "Look around ya, miss. Ya got an Element of Harmony, two alicorn princesses and a fella who managed to punch his way out of the crystal caves. Quite literally. Ah'm pretty sure ya won't find better protection anywhere."

Minty looked at the princesses, then back at Carl. "Are you sure you can protect me?"

"Man, we ain't sure about shit. We're just tryin', that's all. Now, can you help us or not?"

"I don't know! What do you need?"

"Everything you can tell us about the bitch! Her habits, her weaknesses, her whereabouts... anything."

"Tell us, Misty," Luna chimed in, taking a step towards the changeling.

"Um, it's Minty."

Frowning, the Princess of the Night cleared her throat. "Minty. How doth thy queen know thou hast failed?"

"Psst, Luna!" Celestia jabbed her sister's side with a hoof. "Language!"

"Oh... we are sorry, sister," she replied, turning back to Minty. "So, how can your queen know that you have failed? Tell us."

"She... she cannot just yet, but it will be pretty obvious as soon as she learns that the prisoners are wandering in the castle! I'm lucky there are no guards in this area, they're all in the opposite wing at this time of the day... also, as soon I have to revert back to my normal body, I won't be able to do it and... since that renders me pretty much useless, she'll dispose of me."

"Fear not, we will protect you."

"Hey, Luna! Minty! Everyone, yo, listen up. I got an idea, a'ight?"

Everypony nodded, prompting Carl to continue. He turned to Misty. "Look, she doesn't know shit yet, right?"

"R-right. I think... I hope."

"Yeah. And why can't you transform anymore?"

"You... because you beat me up. It hurt so much..." she trailed off, her eyes watering again. She shook her head, fighting back the tears as she continued. "Brain trauma can cause permanent damage to a changeling's magic source. When we transform into non-magical creatures such as Earth ponies, we need to use a lot of magical energy to simply sustain our disguise as we can't draw any from our disguised form. And we only have a very limited reserve of actual magic, which we need to keep to use when we want to revert back to our usual changeling form... it normally activates on its own when we fall unconscious or bleed to death, but you hit me too hard and too quickly. I didn't have time to use it, and by the time I passed out, it was too late, too much damage had already been inflicted on whatever little magic I had in reserve."

"Hm..." Carl put a hand to his chin. "I wish I were sorry, but after the shit I been through? I can't be. But you said it would activate if you were to die. How the fuck can death cause less damage than a few punches to the face? And how is brain trauma related to that magic reserve?"

"I'm not really sure, I don't know much about the inner workings of our magic. But I said it would activate when we bleed out, not necessarily when we die... an instant, lethal blow would not cause it to activate."

"Whatever you say. Anyway, would brain trauma disable Chrysalis' magic as well?"

"I... I don't know. I don't think so. It would probably disrupt it or even disable it for a couple of seconds, but she should be able to regenerate it really quickly. The only real weakness of a non-transformed changeling is the horn. A very violent shock to her horn should disrupt her magic, but she will be able to recover in a very short time unless you can destroy or sever it."

"Like fuck we're gonna let her any time to recover! We'll take her down before she can even realize what's happening! You with us, girl?"

"I'm... I guess I am."

"Cool. Now, any of y'all got a plan?"

Once again, Applejack and both alicorns facehoofed. Celestia raised her head and looked around. "What if... nah."

"That sounds like a great idea, sister," Luna sneered.

"Luna, I swear I will-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Applejack screamed. "AH'M TIRED OF Y'ALL BEHAVIN' LIKE A BUNCH OF FILLIES! Does your kingdom not mean anything to ya at all? Don't ya think we got a common enemy we should be fightin', rather than ourselves?"

Carl clapped his hands, laughing heartily. "See, man! I told you, you're the only one around here who ain't trippin'. I told you we'd need you," he said, pointing a finger towards the alicorn sisters. "And you two, what the fuck's wrong with you? AJ's right, you're actin' like two goddamn kids!"

"Uh, CJ? Ah think Minty's tryin' to tell you something."

Carl looked down to see the green 'Earth pony' in full Fluttershy mode, complete with hoof shuffling and everything.

"Yeah? Wassup?"

"I just got an idea."

"Speak up, man."

"I can lure my queen out! You hide somewhere, I tell her to come with me because there is something she needs to see for herself... and you can get the drop on her!"

"Huh... won't she be wary? Like, ain't she gon' run a magic scan or whatever?"

"Not as long as she believes you four are still in the caves."

"A'ight... we can try this I guess. Man, I wish I still had my MP5..."

"What is that?" Minty inquired.

"Nothing you ever heard of."

"Wait, isn't it that black thing made of metal you were carrying when I led you inside the castle?"

"Huh? Yeah, that it. Why?"

"Because it's in my office, on my desk."

"Your office?" Celestia inquired. "May I ask where in my castle is that office located?"

Minty looked down. "It's, uh... it's in the kitchen staff's toilet room." she said, trying to avoid the alicorn's gaze. "The queen never really liked female changelings..."

Carl put a hand on Minty's withers, prompting her to look at him. "Any way we can get there undetected?"

"Sure, that's not gonna be a problem. Stealth and infiltration are two of my specialties." Minty replied, giving him an earnest smile as she put on her accent. "Minty is stealth. Minty is of gettings pistolet-pulemet, da?" she winked at him. "Follow lead."

Shrugging, Carl started walking behind the green mare, closely followed by the three other (wary) ponies.

Chrysalis was chilling on her throne, reading a magazine. She didn't know Discord used to publish his own magazine, but Chaos Monthly was a pretty entertaining read, even if the latest issue was over seventeen hundred years old. Celestia's butt looked definitely better with a tattoo representing male draconequus genitalia instead of her Sun cutie mark.

Suddenly, the door opened as her trusty (and only) female drone entered the room. "My Queen, I think you should come see something."

"What is it, Minty? And why are you still disguised?"

"Oh? I... uh... I'm trying to get used to, uh... living like this. I believe if I can live and perform my daily duties as an inferior Earth pony, without the help of magic or anything, it will make me a stronger changeling overall."

Chrysalis smirked. "Heh... that's actually pretty smart. Come on, let's go see what you wanted to show me."

Minty smiled back to her queen, squeeing internally. Damn, lies and deception were really natural to her.

Standing on top of a table, Carl waved to his 'allies'. "So this is it, huh? This is when we show Chrysalis what friendship is all about!"

"Yeah!" the three ponies replied, clapping their front hooves.

"Canterlot is king!" Carl shouted, throwing his arms into the air. "SAY IT WITH ME, NIGGAS! CANTERLOT IS KING!"

"CANTERLOT IS KING!"

"CANTERLOT IS KING!"

"Fuck's sake, Luna!"

"Yeah, can it, sis'."

"Jeah! Let's go, y'all ready?"

Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Yer the one who's supposed to lead," she stated, motioning to the weapon Carl was holding in a hand.

Luna raised a hoof. "If you are saying the truth about this human contraption, we believe a single hit will be enough to penetrate her thick exoskeleton, and hopefully cause enough brain damage to permanently disable her magic. Even if it is not sufficient to stop her from retaliating, the blunt force will at least temporarily stun her, allowing sister and I to take action. We will act quickly and sever her horn, while Applejack will lasso her."

Everyone nodded and Luna smiled.

"Are we clear, my brothers?"

Celestia raised both eyebrows. "Your brothers?"

Applejack raised at least six freckles. "Princess Luna droppin' the royal we?"

"Sorry. We are nervous, O my brothers."

Funeral March of Queen Chrysalis.mp3

"Luna, what are you-"

"C'mon, don't y'all start arguin' now!"

"Yeah Luna, don't start arguing."

"It wasn't us. You started it, Tia."

"No, you."

"PRINCESS CELESTIA! PRINCESS LUNA! CAN'T Y'ALL SHUT YER DAMN MOUTHS?"

"APPLEJACK, WE WILL NOT TAKE ORDERS FROM THEE."

"WILL YA TAKE MY HOOF IN YER FACE THEN?"

"BE QUIET, THOU HARLOT-DATING WHORE."

"DON'T YA CALL MY MAREFRIEND A HARLOT!"

"WE SEE THAT THOU DOST NOT SEEM TO MIND BEING CALLED A WHORE."

"I'LL BUCK Y'ALL IN THE FACE, LUNA!"

"BUT SHE IS RIGHT, RARITY IS A SLUT!"

"AND YER A SLUT TOO, CELESTIA!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU GODDAMN HORSES!"

"CARL, BY THE MOON, WE WILL-"

The four 'freedom fighters' froze up as a nearby door opened, revealing Chrysalis and Minty.

"NOW!" the three ponies screamed as Minty hit the deck while Carl took aim, lining up his submachine gun's iron sights with the queen's forehead.
Once again.

The young man pulled the trigger, and everything around him seemed to slow down as the changeling queen's eyes widened in horror. However, her fear-struck expression was not caused by the whistling 9mm bullet harmlessly sailing past her head...

Author's Note

I tried using accordingly colored quotation marks to clear up who's talking towards the end, as it was a bit of a clusterfuck, although it's still possible to figure it out without the colors. I tried to keep it as discreet as possible, so it doesn't look too much like I'm just trying to circumvent the 'no script dialogue' rule.
Also I managed to give my own self feels with the Minty thing. I have mixed feelings about that fact.

And no, I don't speak a single word of Russian (okay, maybe like two or three) but I'm pretty sure that all the Russian words I've used so far are correct.

Coming Home

Author's Note

Sorry for the long ass delay... I fucking hate Summer like you wouldn't believe. Heat, insects... goddamn.
Anyway, that's it... the last chapter. Well, actually it could be considered as two chapters in one, but either way, this story is officially complete. I may go back to it from time to time and add a line here and there, fix a mistake or rewrite a paragraph or something, but nothing major.

I had trouble finishing it, but it turned out better than I thought it would.
I had a real blast writing this story, and a little over five months later, I can't believe I actually finished it.

I started the first chapter without any idea where I would be going with it, and I pretty much winged the entire thing, writing every chapter without having the slightest idea what would happen in the next.

I'm not particularly happy with the whole thing overall, but I'm definitely not unhappy either. I just hope you guys enjoy it, although I've been writing this story mainly for myself, I must admit.

Still, I like to know that my readers are enjoying themselves, too. You guys are the reason I finished it, and in 'only' five months. If it were only for my lazy ass, I'd probably still be trying to write chapter 3 or something.

So yeah, now I'm gonna take a small break from writing. I probably won't be working on another story until further notice... or at least until the temperature stays below seventy at night for more than two days in a row.
Fucking global warming- Celestia.

Coming Home

Her eyes threatening to pop out of their orbits, Queen Chrysalis stared in horror. Not at the bullet whistling past her left ear... but at the giant, dark green steel beast that had just crashed through the back wall. Obliterating a large stained glass window and two marble columns, its spinning rotor showered the entire room in debris and dust as the bird hovered a couple of feet above the ground.

"WEEEEEE!" Pinkie Pie screamed happily as she slammed a hoof against the combat helicopter's dashboard, causing the flying metal monster to swerve, and somehow drop to the ground, stopping right in front of the six flabbergasted creatures. The rotor stopped and she jumped off the pilot's seat, landing on Carl's shoulders and throwing pink confetti into the air. "LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!"

"NOW!" Carl screamed, coming back to his senses and firing a burst of lead from his submachine gun, ignoring the pony straddling his head. This time, two of the three bullets connected with the still surprised changeling's forehead, the first one carving a hole through her jagged horn and the second one severing it, causing a shower of green sparks to explode from the stump.

Wasting no time, Applejack readied her lasso and threw it, the rope latching itself around Chrysalis' slender neck. The country mare tugged forcefully on it, causing the dazed queen to lose her balance and topple forward, shrieking in pain and anguish.

"CELESTIA! LUNA!" Carl screamed again. "WHATEVER YOU WERE GONNA DO, YOU BETTER DO IT NOW!"

Ignoring most of the pain as she thrashed and screamed, Chrysalis shot Celestia the angriest glare she could manage. "THIS IS NOT THE END! I WILL RECOVER AND I WILL DESTROY YOU, ALONG WITH EVERY SINGLE THING YOU HAVE EVER LAID EYES UPON!"

Shaking her head, the Princess of the Sun spread her wings as her magic channeled into her horn. She lowered her head and fired a powerful binding spell in the form of a bright pink bubble, trapping the immobilized changeling who was still busy trying to break free from the rope.

"I do believe it is over," the white alicorn said, wrapping a wing around a (still stunned) Carl, who was staring blankly at nothing in particular with a mix of confusion and disbelief on his face.
Everything happened so fast, but... when did he become such a crack shot?

Luna, Applejack, Minty and Pinkie Pie all exchanged glances, every one of them having mixed feelings about the sudden turn of events.
What exactly had just happened? And how did it even work out so easily?

"What just happened?" Pinkie asked as her mane deflated slightly.

"Ah... Ah did it!" Applejack shouted, pumping a hoof into the air. "Didn't Ah?"

"We did it," Celestia stated, chuckling weakly.

"We knew you could do it, sister!" Luna said with a smile, walking up to Celestia and nuzzling the larger mare's neck with her own, causing Applejack to frown.

"I'm sorry, my Queen..." Minty said with a hint of sadness in her voice as she looked away from Chrysalis.

"YOU!" the larger changeling shrieked, "YOU BETRAYED ME! I WILL MURDER YOU!"

"Nah. You ain't gonna do shit, bitch," Carl chimed in, still struggling to regain his composure. "We won, and your ass is dead," he said, reaching through Celestia's magical trap with an arm and bitchslapping the queen across the face.

"I WILL KILL YOU AND USE YOUR SKULL AS AN INCUBATOR!"

"Shut the fuck up."

"Pinkie, how the heck did y'all fly that thing?" the orange pony asked.

"I don't know! It looked like fun, so I gave it a try!"

"How? Just how?" Carl asked, in vain. How could an Earth pony operate a helicopter? Hell, how could a hoofed creature with no knowledge of such technology do anything with a helicopter, other than staring at it in fear, disbelief or confusion?

Applejack shook her head. "It's just Pinkie being Pinkie, Ah reckon... man, CJ! Ah'm so glad this whole thing is over!"

"That wasn't too bad. I told y'all we'd win. Just had to fight a bit for it," the young man said, turning to Celestia. "So, what are you gonna do with her ass, now?" he asked, pointing a finger towards a fuming Chrysalis.

"We will undo everything she has done, get the Elements of Harmony back to where they should be, and free everypony."

"And that's it? What about her? What about her guards? You ain't gonna kill her or any of 'em?"

"No."

"Man, you's a pussy."

"I am not."

"You are a fucking pussy."

"Thou will not call our sister a vagina, thou vile monkey."

"Eat a dick."

"Don't call him a monkey, Luna."

"THOU EATEST A PENIS, THOU NEGRO!"

"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me you little bitch? I'll have you know I-"

"PROCEED TOWARDS OUR ROYAL SELVES, THOU SHIT FLINGER!"

"SHUT YER GODDAMN MOUTHS, ALL OF YA!"

"Applejack, be quiet. We think we can hear thy whorefriend calling for thee."

"LUNA AH SWEAR AH WILL CRACK YER SKULL OPEN WITH MAH BARE HOOVES!"

"Touchy subject, we see."

"Can you all shut the fuck up?"

"Carl, please, stay out of this."

"Fuck you."

"Where's Lyra?" a high pitched voice asked, causing the four creatures to abort their imminent nigga-pone moment.

"What?" Carl turned to the pink mare, who was looking around in confusion.

"Lyra! She was with me in the flying metal thing! Where is she now? We weren't playing hide and seek if I remember correctly! Actually, maybe I don't remember correctly. Maybe we were playing hide and seek? Oh, maybe we're still playing! She must be really well hidden!"

"Why the hell was she with you?"

"Oh? She said that if she helped rescuing you, you would want to use your fingers and do funny things to her flanks! I'm not sure what she meant, but she seemed to really want it, because she was leaking quite a bit and now the co-pilot's seat is all sticky and also it smelled like-"

"ENOUGH!" Luna shouted, causing everyone to shut up and stare. "This is no time for talking. There is a lot of work to be done. Sister, you need to get the Elements back, and get rid of all the drones. We will go back into the crystal caves and free all the prisoners. Applejack, you need to go back to Ponyville and tell everypony what happened. We do not want any of our subjects to worry any longer. And Carl, we think you should..." she trailed off, staring at the large aircraft sitting in the middle of the room. "Um. Can you fly this thing out of our castle?"

"If Pinkie's landing didn't fuck it up too much, I don't see why I couldn't."

"I'll do it, Princess Luna!" Pinkie said happily, jumping back in the pilot's seat as the engine whirred to life. All within two hundred and forty-seven milliseconds. "This is fun!" she added, slamming a hoof against the dashboard and causing a little red flag with 'BANG!' written on it to pop out of the barrel of the M230 chain gun.

Before anyone could react, the Hunter took off and flew out of the gaping hole in the wall, swerving around a tower, and disappearing out of sight.
All the while shooting streamers and confetti out of the rocket pods.

Carl shrugged, well decided to just stop questioning anything, especially if it's related to that pink... thing. "You know what? Maybe I'll just-" he froze up as something moist made contact with his cheek.

A blushing Celestia withdrew her tongue from the human's cheek as she cleared her throat, smiling bashfully at him.

"Yo, what the fuck? What was that for, man?"

"I'm sorry, I-"

"Sister, please, behave thyself."

"Sick, princess."

"Absolutely disgusting."

"Whore."

"ASSET ACQUIRED!" a computerized voice rang through the room.

"Who the hay said that?" Applejack asked, looking around in confusion.

"Really? This thing again?" Carl chuckled. "Heh, don't pay attention," he added, waving a dismissive hand.

"This property will now generate revenue up to a maximum of fifty thousand dollars a day! Make sure you collect it regularly!" the voice spoke again as a bright yellow dollar icon appeared in front of the hole in the wall, slowly spinning on itself about two feet above the ground.

"Carl, we demand an explanation," Luna said sternly.

"Can't give you one, man. I never understood that shit, either," he replied, shrugging. "But hey, it's money, yo!"

"Money?" Luna inquired. Did the concept of money not exist a millennium ago?

"What's a dollar?" asked Celestia.

"It's money, man! Dollar's a currency back on Earth."

"It must be the equivalent of our bits, Ah suppose," Applejack suggested.

"Fifty thousand bits a day?" Celestia gawked.

"Yeah," Carl laughed, patting the white alicorn's head. "I don't know what's the exchange rate, but there ain't no dollars in Equestria, so either way... you's a rich motherfucker, now!"

"Sister, what do you think we should do with the changeling queen?"

"Nothing, Lulu. Her horn is severed, and her magic is gone for good since we're going to take back the source of her power. She won't be able to regenerate it, and her drones are useless to her. Just as she is useless to them, now without her magic," Celestia said coldly, before turning to Applejack. "Applejack, I will teleport you back to Ponyville. I want you to report to Twilight Sparkle, and explain her everything that has transpired during the last few hours."

"Ah got it, Princess. Ya can count on me."

"I know I can."

"Ah... Ah'm real happy this whole thing is over," the orange pony said, shuddering.

"So are we, dear Applejack," Luna commented.

"So am I," Celestia added.

"Me too," Minty chimed in.

"I dunno, man," Carl shrugged. "This shit's been kinda fun, things gon' be boring now."

"Shut up, Carl." the Princess of the Sun frowned at the human. "Are you ready, Applejack?" she asked, turning back to the orange pony as her horn started to glow.

"Ah sure am, Princess."

Applejack braced herself and closed her eyes before disappearing in a flash of bright pink light.

Rubbing his chin, Carl cleared his throat. "Yo, I think I got an idea."

Celestia raised an eyebrow at the human. "Go on."

"You said she can't do shit anymore, right? Like, she ain't got no magic no more?"

"No. She can still fly but that's about it. She can't transform or use magic anymore."

"So that means she's harmless, right?"

"Pretty much. Her horn-"

"Sister!" Luna interjected, visibly angry. "We are tired of your attitude. You are a liability. We will take care of your business, while you talk. And talk. And talk some more."

"Luna, I-"

"And you're still talking. Thankfully, some ponies actually seem to remember that talking does not necessarily solve every problem. We are one of these ponies."

"C'mon, baby! Why you trippin'?" Carl 'asked'.

"We are not a baby, and we certainely are not 'tripping'. We will get the Elements back and sort things out while you and my sister talk about... whatever it is ponies and apes talk about these days," she said coldly, spreading her wings. "We hate conversing when there are far more pressing matters at hoof," she added, flapping her wings and flying out of the giant hole in the wall.

"Goddamn, shit! What's wrong with her?" Carl asked, mildly annoyed by Luna's volatile mood. "I think she needs to get laid or something."

'She's not the only one...' Celestia muttered to herself, almost inaudibly.

"What was that?"

Blushing and shaking her head, the alicorn raised a defensive hoof. "Nothing at all!"

"Huh..." the young man shook his head. "So, as I was sayin', I got an idea."

"I'm listening, Carl." she nodded, putting on a weak smile.

"That crazy pink bitch... Pinkie Pie, is that it? Her thing is parties, right?"

"Yes, Pinkie Pie loves partying."

"So I was thinking, why don't we have her throwin' a giant ass party right in the middle of Ponyville and shit?"

"There's no need to even ask her, that is bound to happen anyway. Most likely tonight. And probably tomorrow as well... and every other day of the week until she gets tired of it. If she can even get tired of it, that is. Or tired of anything, really... I'm not sure she can actually get physically tired."

"Uh... yeah, for real? Well, check this out, then. Why don't we get Chrysalis to attend the party?"

Celestia took a step back, staring at Carl as if he had just suggested her to relinquish her throne to Snips and Snails or something. "Are you out of your mind, Carl? Why in the name of Equestria would you propose something like that?"

"Peep this," the human said, grinning, "that way, the bitch will be surrounded by the very creatures she tried to enslave. Or kill. Or whatever the fuck she was gonna do with 'em ponies before we stopped her ass. She's weak, and she'll be at their mercy. That means we let them, the real victims, decide of her fate. Y'know what I'm sayin'?"

"That's... that sounds like something Discord would have suggested."

"Who the fuck is Discord?"

"Nevermind. I suppose we could try that... ponies tend to forgive easily. A little too easily for their own good, in fact," she said, shaking her head. "Still, I will need to bind her wings and force a potion of weakness down her gullet first. Changelings aren't known for their physical strength, but still. Chrysalis is the tallest equine creature in Equestria, after all."

"What? You sure? I think you're taller."

"No, Carl. That bitch is a half inch taller than I am." Celestia spat out, glaring angrily at the 'taller' changeling.

"Huh... whatever. Hey, she's all yours, do what you want to her ass," Carl replied, pointing a hand towards the queen, who was still glaring silently from inside the magical bubble. She would have her revenge... once again. She would rise again... again. Yeah, she would definitely rise again once again.
And she would strike back.
Hard.

With a vengeance.

"What about me?" asked Minty, who had remained mostly silent until now.

Remembering her presence, both Carl and Celestia turned to face her. "Well, why don't you come too? We all gonna be hangin' out anyway. You can chill and meet ponies and shit, I guess."

The princess nodded. "Minty, you are now one of my subjects. You should start socializing with other ponies. I would advise against telling them the truth about yourself, though. At least until everypony has heard about what has really happened. If Chrysalis brings it up, simply ignore her. Most ponies know that changelings rely on lies and deception anyway... those who don't will probably think she's crazy instead."

"I'll show you crazy!" Chrysalis spat out from inside her temporary, magical prison, her right eye twitching violently.

"Nah, you ain't showin' anything to anyone, man. You lost, alright? You can't use your shit anymore, you're done for. Just face it, it's over. So why don't you do like us, and try to chill? There ain't nothin' else left for you to do anyway. And it ain't even necessarily a bad thing! Ever considered starting over?"

"What are you talking about, Carl?" Celestia inquired, raising an eyebrow.

"Just tryin' to make her understand somethin'. Look, there are other things in life than taking over a kingdom and shit, you know?"

Chrysalis frowned harder. "I am the queen of changelings, you foul creature! My destiny is to conquer the land around me, and establish the most glorious and powerful kingdom possible for my children. Just like my mother did before me, and her mother before her, and her mother before-"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it," Carl shook his head in disapproval. "Look, times are changin', man. I'm sure that shit was nice centuries ago, but maybe your destiny is to shut the fuck up and live a nice, quiet, boring ass life like billions of motherfuckers do across all dimensions. You ever thought of that?"

Chrysalis averted her gaze, looking down as she seemed to be considering Carl's words. A different life than the one she had been leading since the death of her mother, five hundred and seventy-eight years ago? She never really thought she could have a choice, or even a say in the matter... but she was the queen, after all. She could do whatever she wanted to do.
So could he... could he be right? Could she possibly lead a normal life if she really wanted to?

As a citizen of a kingdom she tried to take over?
Twice?

She had never really thought about what she wanted to do with her life before. It always seemed so obvious to her... follow in her mother's hoofsteps, conquer every piece of land she can access, and ultimately establish changeling dominion over the neighboring kingdoms, and eventually across the entire planet. That last one was a stretch, but ultimately, it would have been her lifetime goal.
But deep inside, was it what she truly wanted? She couldn't remember having any other desire or ambition when she was still a young changeling, but... what about now? Power and control over other creatures... was that enough to make her truly happy? Was that even a way to feel happy?

Did she ever feel happy?

"You know," Carl added, taking a few steps closer to the queen, "ponies are a nice bunch. You say your kind needs love to strive, right? Like, you feed on that shit an' all? So there you are, wanting others to love you and everything, but then you go all like, 'motherfuckers, I'mma kill y'all and rule over your land'. Don't you think there's somethin' that ain't right about that shit? If you acted like a normal, civilized being, you wouldn't have to strive for love, you know? You'd become part of the society, and I'm sure some ponies would end up taking a liking to your scrawny ass. And if that's what you feed on, then that shit would probably taste better than whatever you get from capturing and terrorizing 'em, then draining it from 'em."

"B-but! But I-"

"Look at me, man!" he cut her off. "I clearly ain't somethin' ponies are used to see, or even wanna see. To y'all, I have strange customs, I have strange manners, I have strange language... shit, just look at me! Everything about me is strange. Yet, most of 'em ponies are nice to me, and they're even tryin' to tolerate my ass the best they can. I can't say that I feel loved, but I definitely don't feel rejected. That's a start, you know? That's how this shit works."

"I'm really proud of you, Carl," Celestia said, smiling warmly and nuzzling the human's cheek with her own. "I didn't expect to hear that from you, at least not right now, but you are entirely right."

"Jeah," Carl said blankly, ignoring her implications.

"Besides, Chrysalis," the princess added, smiling at the trapped changeling, "Carl is right. True love would be so much more fulfilling than sucking emotions out of distraught, terrified or mind controlled ponies."

"Whatever..." the queen sneered. "I'm still gonna kill you whenever I get the chance."

"Oh, I'm sure you will," Celestia replied with a condescending, shit-eating grin.

Chrysalis' expression softened as she raised a hoof. "Just please, don't hurt my children. They have nothing to do with any of this. They were just-"

"I know. They were just following your orders, I know that. But things don't have to be that way anymore. Now that the hivemind has been broken, they can all live their own lives in peace and harmony."

"That's disgustingly cheesy."

"Princess, maybe we should get goin'?" Carl inquired. "Ponyville ain't exactly close, there probably ain't no ponies to man the trains, Pinkie took my goddamn chopper and you can't teleport my ass."

"Indeed, we should get going." she simply said, spreading her wings and motioning towards her back.

Taking the hint, Carl shrugged and jumped on the alicorn's back as she shot one last glance towards the changeling queen and her minion turned Earth pony. "I will come back for you two later. Minty, can I count on you to watch over your former queen?"

"Are you sure she can't break out of the bubble?"

"No, don't worry," Celestia replied, "she cannot."

"Are you really, really sure?"

"Yes, I am."

"Man the fuck up, yo!" Carl chimed in. "I'm twice your size and you actually managed to put up a fight against me earlier today. You's a bad motherfucker, man. You can handle her skinny ass."

"Minty, did you seriously fight that... thing, in your current form?" Chrysalis asked, her rage subsiding for a second as she raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, my Qu-... I mean, Chrysalis."

The larger changeling deadpanned. "I hate you. I hate everything," she snarled, bringing a hoof to her forehead in a pretty good Rarity impression.

"Does it hurt?" Minty asked.

"What?"

"Your horn. Or, your lack of one," she sneered.

"I swear, I will kill you too, and I will burn this entire kingdom to ashes."

Carl and Celestia looked at each other before shrugging, unimpressed. "Man, for real, it's like everyone needs to get laid around here."

Wrapping an arm around the princess' neck as he had done before, the young man smiled. Despite what happened the last time, he still loved flying on her back.

He really loved the feeling of-

"HOLY SHIT! SLOW THE FUCK DOWN, YOU CRAZY BITCH!"

"WHO'S THE PUSSY NOW, HUH?"

It was a typical, peaceful evening in Equestria.

Ponyville's town square was filled with ponies talking and laughing over blaring music, and Pinkie's special 'Big Changeling Meanie Has Been Defeated' green and turquoise strobe lights were flashing everywhere.

Carl shook his head as he approached the 'festivities', wondering how this strange dimension could be so reminiscent of Earth at times, while at the same time being so... well, different. Despite the pastel colors and cartoon-ish atmosphere, the whole thing looked just like a typical outdoor party, only without drugs or naked bitches. And without outrageous amounts of hard liquor.
Although most of the ponies were naked.

Before he could get any closer, the young man got a faceful of pink.

"Carl! I'm glad you could make it! Where are the princesses?" Pinkie asked, getting all up in the human's face, as she usually does with every creature she ~~talks to~~ sees. "Oh, I know! Don't tell me, I know! They're probably, uh... no, I don't know," she said quickly, frowning.

Giving her an awkward pat on the head, Carl chuckled. "Chill out, man. Luna's sortin' shit out, and Celestia's comin' in a couple of minutes. She's bringin' in someone special."

"Ooooooh!" her eyes widened beyond what should be physically possible, even for a physics-defying cartoon pony. "Who is it? Who is it? Wait, don't tell me, don't tell me! I know! I know! I know! It's your brother, Sweet! Isn't it?" she said, bouncing in circles around the human. "I like the name Sweet. Sweet! Sweet, Sweet, Sweet, Sweet, Sweet! I love sweets!"

Carl frowned, pinching the bridge of his nose and trying to ignore her Pinkie powers. "Pinkie, look. I like you, alright? You a real nice pony and all, you know? But please. Shut your fucking mouth."

"That's not nice, Carl."

"It wasn't really meant to be."

"Oh," she said flatly, before turning her head around. "Hey, look! My new flying party cannon!" she smiled, pointing a hoof to her left. "How do you like it?"

Carl shot a quick glance in the direction Pinkie was pointing towards, and raised an eyebrow.
What was formerly a combat helicopter was now fully painted in pink and covered in... well, party stuff. Everything from lights to streamers to pastries to confetti to... tons of shit no one should even know the name or purpose of.

"So? So? Do you like it? Huh?" the party pony asked, batting her eyelashes at the human.

"Nah, not really. Now please, get outta my face."

Walking past the now distraught pink mare, he arrived at a table where five ponies were sitting and talking.

He flashed a wild ghetto sign and took a seat. "What's up, homies?"

"Carl!" Twilight smiled.

"Hey, partner. How ya' doin'?" Applejack asked.

"'Sup, dude?" Rainbow Dash waved.

"Humph," Rarity harrumphed.

"Um... good evening, mister Carl," Fluttershy fluttershyed.

"What's up with y'all? 'S'crackin'? Y'all enjoyin' the party?"

"Of course, Pinkie's parties are always fun," Twilight replied.

"Ah needed that after what we've been through today... and the past week," Applejack sighed.

"I could throw an even more awesome party, but eh, Pinkie is only Pinkie, you know?" Rainbow Dash bragged.

"I was quite enjoying it a few seconds ago," Rarity snarled, levitating her glass of punch to her mouth.

"Y-yes," Fluttershy mumbled.

Yeah.
Everything was back to normal in Equestria.

"Heh. We got a special guest comin', you girls ready?"

"Who is it?" Twilight asked.

"You'll see. Just promise me you ain't gonna trip."

"I promise."

Carl turned around and pointed a finger towards the royal carriage carrying Princess Celestia and Qu-

"CAAAAAARL! WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?" Twilight shrieked as she readied various offensive and defensive spells.

"Man, fuck! ...ah, whatever. You was born trippin' anyway."

Later that evening...

"And that is how I became the queen."

"Really?" the little dragon asked rhetorically, bringing a claw to his chin. "That sounds pretty awful."

"I know. Perhaps I have been wrong since the beginning. Perhaps I was never meant to be the queen," Chrysalis said, looking down. "When mother told me that I would succeed her, I thought that it would be easy, and glorifying. I thought that all I would have to do would be finding a source of love for my subjects. But she never mentioned that I would have to enslave them with our changeling hivemind. She never mentioned that I would be forced to lie, deceive and sometimes use mind control to coerce a bit of love out of unwilling creatures... and she never mentioned the greed and lust that come with power, either."

Patting the changeling's withers, Spike smiled. "Heh, you know, we dragons also tend to have problems with greed."

"Really?"

"Yep. You see, for my last birthday, I got a really nice gift, and... well, let's just say that things took a pretty ugly turn when I eventually became a forty feet tall rampaging monster and everything... but thankfully, it all worked out in the end. But still, I really, really hope that it doesn't happen again next year, you know? I asked everypony not to give me anything. Not a single gift, I need to learn to keep my greed in check."

"Huh... dragons sure are interesting creatures."

"Yeah..." the little drake giggled. "I wish I could have known my parents... I mean, I love Twilight, but she doesn't know much about dragons, and there are many things I wonder about... regarding my kind and everything, you know? And everypony I know today will probably be long gone by the time I reach adulthood. What will I do when that happens? Books don't contain the answer to everything... at least not to that," he shook his head solemnly, staring at the taller creature with a longing expression.

The pair stared at each other for about a minute, until Chrysalis decided to break the silence, clearing her throat and speaking up.

"Did you really mean what you said in your letter?"

Spike raised an eyebrow. "What letter?"

"The one for Princess Celestia. The one you somehow predicted I would intercept."

"Oh, that one? Uh, yeah, that was Carl, actually. I don't know much about his weird language. Apparently, helping a nigga out doesn't make you a nigga yourself," he said, raising a claw to scratch his forehead. "Go figure."

Chrysalis cocked her head to the side, giving the dragon a weird look, somewhere in between 'you don't say' and 'look here u lil wank fucka hed i will fukin bash ur arse u'.

"Anyway, did you really mean what you said? That I was far more attractive than a pony?"

Spike blushed heavily, looking away and shuffling with his claws. "Oh, you meant... oh. Um... well, yes! But still, I don't want to have sex with you. Or with anypony, really. Sex is so boring..."

The former queen chuckled, wrapping a hoof around the young dragon's neck. "Heh... it's not the most fulfilling thing, I'll admit."

"I know, right? It always makes me feel empty."

She blushed. "I would have made a stupid joke, but changelings are so bad at it... it usually leaves me feeling empty, too."

"You're a nice pony when you're not trying to conquer Equestria, you know that?" Spike chuckled, giving her a sincere smile.

"I'm not a pony, but... thanks," Chrysalis replied, sighing happily as she started to feel the little dragon's emotions. It wasn't love, but it was dank shit regardless.

Meanwhile, about thirty feet away...

"Man, can you believe this shit? Now the little guy's gonna get it on with her?"

"No, Carl. They're just talking... I'm pretty sure we could reform Chrysalis. Look at her, it's like for the first time in her life, she's discovering how good it can be to socialize and make friends," Twilight said, taking a sip of her punch.

"Just like you two years ago, huh. Sounds familiar, eh Twi?"

"Shut up, Dash," she pouted. "I think you really struck a chord when you said she didn't have to be what she had grown to be," the unicorn added, smiling at the human. "I'm still a little uneasy about letting her bond with Spike, though, but... heh. She's pretty much harmless now, and he's getting older. I can't always be behind him, and tell him what to do and what not to do."

"Yeah, that's what I told your ass the first time we met."

"I remember that... we didn't really make a very good first impression on each other, did we?"

"Nah, not really. But it was nothin' compared to Celestia. Man, she was the worst, by far. She was actin' all weird and shit, implying strange shit... I really, really thought she was up to something," the young man chuckled, before realizing something. "She wasn't schemin' anything, but I still don't know why she was behavin' all fucked up like that..." he trailed off, downing his beer.

"Well, you should probably ask her then," Twilight replied, pointing a hoof towards the Princess of the Sun sitting at a nearby table with Fluttershy and a strange flaming bird.

"I guess. Yo, I'll catch up with y'all later."

"See you later, Carl."

"Later, dude."

He got up, walking up to the princess' table, and waved a hand at her.

"Wassup, Princess? What's happenin'?"

"Carl, how are you?"

"Doin' just fine, man," Carl replied, taking a seat. "Hey, Fluttershy, girl. What's poppin' with you?"

"Um, I'm fine."

"Yeah... man. I'm glad this shit's over, y'all were right. It feels good to just chill without having to worry about shit."

"I know."

"What's up with the fire bird thing, man? Ain't this a phoenix?"

"Yes, it is. Philomena, say hello to Carl."

The phoenix let out a small scream, flapping her wings and landing on Carl's shoulder.

"Holy shit, man! That shit is hot," he said, recoiling. "A'ight, don't get too close now. Man, I ain't comfortable."

"I think she likes you."

"Yeah? Well, I like my face, so I'd prefer- AAAAH! MOTHERFUCKER!" Carl shrieked as the bird jumped away from him, blowing a raspberry at him as she lazily flapped her wings, hovering above the table for a few seconds before landing on one of Fluttershy's forelegs.

"FUCKING-"

"What's wrong?" Fluttershy asked, concerned.

"SHE TOOK A SHIT ON ME!"

"You offended her," Celestia giggled.

"Fuck! Man! This was a clean shirt!"

"You've been wearing it for nearly two weeks," the alicorn deadpanned.

"As I said, the motherfucker was clean," Carl replied defensively.

"Carl, you should drop by Rarity's boutique sometime. I guarantee you, she has quite the talent in making clothes. Even in Canterlot, ponies talk about her craft. She could probably design something for you... something much better and more comfortable than these old rags you've been wearing ever since you got here."

"Hell no!" Why was ~~everyone~~ everypony dissin' his Binco threads? That shit was gangsta.

"That's an absolutely marvelous idea, Princess," a haughty voice spoke from behind the human. He turned around and frowned at the white fashionista standing there, holding hooves with Applejack.

"What's shakin', AJ?"

"Ah'm doin' fine, CJ. What about ya? Yer havin' a little chat with the princess?"

"You could say that."

"Carl, darling," Rarity said in her usual condescending tone, "you should come visit me at my boutique tomorrow. I would love to design something for you."

"Oh yeah? Like what, man? Somethin' gangsta?"

"No. Something chic and fabulous."

"No fuckin' way, man."

"C'mon, CJ! Ah guarantee you Rarity makes the best clothes in all o' Ponyville. Hell, even in Canterlot, ponies talk about her and her latest designs!"

"They're all snob motherfuckers!"

"Just drop by tomorrow, darling," the white unicorn said, motioning to Carl, "I promise you, you will look absolutely dashing. And gangsta, too. Probably," she added hurriedly. 'Whatever that's even supposed to mean,' she thought.
Still, she couldn't possibly pass up the chance to humiliate him in such an original and fabulous way.

"Whatever you say," the young man said without the slightest glimpse of enthusiasm or interest in his voice. "Bitch," he added under his breath.

"Princess? Can I take Philomena home with me for about an hour or two? I would really like to see how she interacts with my animal friends," Fluttershy asked in a not so timid tone. "I promise you to be careful, and to return her to you before midnight."
She was so different when it came to animals.... it was as though the mere mention of animals could turn her into a completely different pony altogether.

"Of course, Fluttershy."

"Thank you, Princess!" the pegasus said, smiling and getting up with the phoenix still resting on her hoof. She started trotting away, somehow managing to walk on three hooves. Without even unfurling her wings.

"Bitch got some style," Carl said, raising an eyebrow. "Damn."

"Of course she does. She was a model, back in the days," Celestia said, winking at him.

"A model? That shy lil' girl?"

"Yep."

"Shit! Man, this world is all fucked up," he said, shaking his head. "Anyway, I wanted to ask you something."

"Sure. Go ahead," the white alicorn nodded, still smiling.

"Well, you remember when you brought me here? The first day we met? You were actin' all strange and shit, like you were hidin' something. Then there was that awkward meeting in your castle, and then you invited me on a date for no reason... what's up with all that?"

"Um... I..."

"Hey, don't be embarrassed, a'ight? After all the shit that went down, I won't be mad at you. I promise."

"Do you Pinkie promise?"

"What's that?"

Celestia giggled, showing Carl the Pinkie promise ritual, which he repeated quickly without hurting his eye. Not too badly, at least.

"Alright, so... um. Where do I begin..."

"So, you know the truth now, Carl. Yes, I did bring you here to... keep me company. I am not proud of it, but at least everything that has happened during the last two weeks because of it was definitely a special and enriching experience for everypony."

"Yeah, definitely... shit, a lot of things happened. And not only bad things. I'm still havin' trouble believing all of this is real, you know? I never thought there were other dimensions, and certainely not one where a magical horse princess would summon me to keep her company and shit. I admit I'm still a liltte pissed at you, but I guess I understand. Shit must be boring for you, centuries without gettin' any action or anything? Shit, man. I feel you."

"Yes, things can get quite stale. Especially during estrus..." she trailed off, wondering if she should add, 'which should be starting tomorrow'.
She probably shouldn't.

"Uh... okay?"

"Now, Carl, I must let you make your own choice," Celestia said, smiling nervously. "Do you wish to stay here, be it with me, or be it on your own, living your own life the way you see fit... or do you wish to go back to your home world?"

"Shit... of course I wanna go back home. I mean, that's where I belong, right? But on the other hand, after all the shit that happened... we friends, man. I don't wanna leave y'all forever, either."

The princess giggled. "I brought you here once. I can bring you back again."

"For real? Like, you can bring me here whenever you want?"

"You are an Equestrian hero now, Carl. You are the only reason everything is back to normal... although you also were the only reason things changed in the first place. Or, more accurately, I was... well, anyway, you obviously deserve an honorary Equestrian citizenship, as well as..." she trailed off, levitating a small object in front of the human's face. "As well as this."

"This? Ain't this the horn gun thingy you gave me last week?"

"It is. As it turns out, Twilight Sparkle had enchanted it with draconequus magic... while I would have scolded her for it, I didn't, for her little mishap allowed me to remember that it could be charged and enchanted with various types of magic, allowing for a lot of different uses. Some of which cannot otherwise be achieved through conventional means."

"Uh, yeah. So? What's that mean? In concrete terms?"

"I have charged it with a cocktail of the most powerful long distance teleportation spells known to ponykind, and I even enchanted it with a touch of changeling magic, to make sure that it would have its intended effect on you. It's basically a portable interdimensional teleporter."

"What? For real? And how the hell does it even work?"

"It's simple. Press the button here," she said, pointing to the red button on the underside of the disembodied horn, "to go back to your home. Press it again to come back to Equestria."

"Really? That's it?"

"Well, yes, but... there are quirks," Celestia admitted, looking at Carl sternly. "First of all, it takes a very long time to charge, and the teleportation process itself requires you to be asleep, or otherwise unconscious. Also, you will always end up in the exact same location. In this case, if you go back to Earth, you will find yourself wherever you were when I summoned you here. And if you choose to come back to Equestria, you will wake up in the heart of the Everfree forest, where you appeared the first time."

"Asleep or unconscious? What you mean?"

"Interdimensional travel cannot work if the traveler is aware of his or her surroundings. Once you press the button, it will take roughly twenty-four hours to charge the spell. You must keep the horn within five feet of you at all times, and after twenty-four hours, you will wake up in the other dimension the next time you go to sleep. If you wish to cancel the trip, simply keep the horn away from you, and wait another twenty-four hours."

"Man, this shit's a whole new level of weird."

"So, do you want to go home, Carl?"

"Yeah, but... I think I'mma stay here for a few days, you know? I mean, after all this shit, I'm gonna need a couple of days to unwind. Also, makin' sure shit's still crackin' and all... just in case something else happens. You never know," he explained, before pointing at his shoulder. "And although I ain't too keen on visiting that Rarity girl, I wouldn't mind going back home with decent clothes that ain't stained with flaming bird shit," he added.

"Yes, I suppose that would be a good idea."

"But I'll need to check on shit eventually. Make sure the homies got the 'hood locked up tight, you know what I'm sayin'? I'll come back to visit y'all sometime later, but Los Santos is my home. That's where my family's at."

Celestia chuckled. "I understand. You have your responsibilities as a leader, after all. Not unlike me."

"Yeah, I guess," he chuckled. "One thing, though. I understand you lonely and all, but I ain't fuckin' a horse. I know you ain't been gettin' any in hundreds of years, but I ain't gonna do this shit. Nothing personal, I'm flattered you even think of me like that an' all, but I'm never becomin' your boyfriend or anything, you know? It just ain't going to happen. Ever."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that, Carl," Celestia smiled at her human friend, summoning two shot glasses full of Everfree Clear. "What do you say, my dear friend? Do you think a little pony princess like me can outdrink a Grove Street OG?"

The human frowned, his face contorting slightly as he turned his nigga dial to eleven. "Bring it on, bitch."

'Goddammit, she knows how I work, now... whatever happens, I hope I don't remember it tomorrow,' Carl thought, his gaze fixated on her long, slender horn.

"I FUCKING WON!" Carl screamed after downing his tenth shot.

"No, you didn't!" Celestia replied angrily as she downed her seventh. "We're not done yet, nigger!"

"Don't you call me a nigger!"

"Nigger."

"You're the nigger!"

"No, you are the nigger."

"Bitch ass horse nigger."

"You two niggers are drunk," Twilight stated blankly.

"No shit, nigger!"

"Fuck you, nigger," Celestia replied, summoning yet another disembodied horn. "I mean, Twilight. Fuck you, Twilight."

"Princess, what do you-"

"I mean it literally," the alicorn said, levitating the horn in front of a flustered Twilight. "Take this, and go fuck yourself with it. That's an order."

"B-but! Princess, I-"

"Do it, or you are no longer my student."

"Yeah, you need it somethin' real, dude," Carl added, chuckling.

"Me too," Celestia cooed, losing her magical grip on the (wobbling) object as it fell in front of a scared, blushing and flustered Twilight Sparkle. "C'mon, give me your horn, Carl!"

"No way, man! You's a horse!"

"Close your eyes and you won't know the difference!"

"Fuck off, I'm warnin' you!" he said, getting up and struggling to maintain his balance.

Celestia got up too and trotted around the table, wrapping a wing around Carl's body. "Having trouble standing up, you poor little thing?"

"You're cheating, you got four legs!"

"Do I?"

"I..." Carl trailed off, his eyes (un)focusing on the alicorn's legs. "Okay, make that eight."

"Pussy is pussy, Carl. Don't be one and give it to me!"

"That's right, give it to her!" Rainbow Dash said, popping out of nowhere with a fiery-maned yellow pegasus mare holding her hoof. "...huh, give what to who?" she added, cocking her head to the side.

"Rainbow... are you drunk too?" Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow.

A third pony popped from behind the two pegasi. "Shit yeah, we all are. Wanna join us, baby?"

"Soarin'?" the unicorn asked, raising the other eyebrow.

"The one and only! C'mon, join us! Four is better than three."

"Yeah, Twi," Rainbow chimed in, smiling. "Come on, it'll be fun!"

"You look like you need it real bad, too," Spitfire added.

"Argh, you all are insufferable!" Twilight frowned, turning around as the three pegasi shrugged before flying away with difficulty.

"Has anypony seen Lyra?" Twilight asked to nopony in particular, ignoring the drunken antics going on everywhere around her. Lyra Heartstrings was usually a quiet mare, even though at times she could manage to make Pinkie Pie look introvert... but regardless of that, she had always been attending every single party ever thrown in Ponyville.
She would always be seen around, sitting in that strange manner of hers. Everypony would always know that she was here, somehow.

So where was she now? She just had to be around here... somewhere... the balance of harmony in Equestria depended on it. Maybe.
Possibly.
I mean, why not?

"C'mon, Carl! Just a quick lick!" Celestia said in a slightly slurred tone.

"Put some grape juice up the motherfucker and I'll consider it."

"That can be arranged," she said, smirking as Berry Punch popped into existence in a flash of pink light.

"Huh? Where the booze at?" the drunken Earth pony asked, a near empty bottle of wine in hoof.

"Fuck no! I wasn't serious!" Carl shouted.

"But I was," Celestia's smirk grew larger.

"TWILIGHT, HELP ME! THAT BITCH IS MOLEST-"

"WHAT CARL MEANT WAS, GET HIM A SNORKEL! HE'S GONNA NEED IT!"

"FUCKING HORSE CUNT I- HMPHFT! I CAN'T BREATHPFFTTT-"

Shaking her head and trying her best to ignore the imminent rape, the purple unicorn got up and started to walk around, looking for Lyra's roommate.
Sure enough, the cream colored Earth pony was sitting on a nearby bench. With a familiar looking pony...

"Bon Bon! Haven't you seen Lyra?"

The cream colored mare parted lips with Minty, and gave Twilight one of her trademark, not amused glares. "No."

"Go away," Minty said, frowning. "And tell Carl 'spasibo, tovarisch!' if you see him. This is so much better than... um... well, you know. Just thank him, he'll understand!"

Twilight walked away, sighing heavily. Everypony was either drunk, making out or passed out. Pinkie's parties could get a little wild at times, but this was ridiculous. Carl really needed to go back to his home world, his presence had a truly horrible influence on Princess Celestia... which in turn, seemed to cause everything else in Equestria to go to shit.

Was she even supposed to let Princess Celestia molest him? Heh.
Although he was drunk, so was she. He would probably be able to overpower her if he really didn't want it to happen, anyway.

Besides, she had something else that she needed to do. She suppressed a blush and started grinning as she made her way back to her library, levitating the small horn the princess gave her beside her. Even when it came to something her mentor has said while drunk out of her mind (and clearly talking shit), Twilight Sparkle would never let Princess Celestia down.

Four days later...

It was a beautiful morning in Los Santos.
The Sun was shining, the cars were polluting, the guns were blasting, the cops were dying... everything was fine.

And the Grove Street Families were about to-

"CJ! Wake up, ese!"

"Huh?" Carl rubbed his tired eyes and sat up groggily. Where was he?

"Yo, everybody thought you were gone, holmes!"

"Cesar?" the young man looked around. He was sitting in the trunk of Cesar's Slamvan, parked in what used to be Ryder's driveway. So this wasn't a dream... the horn-portal-thingy pressing against his thigh attested to that. How the fuck did he even end up passing out in Cesar's trunk the night he was transported in that weird horse dimension?

"Holy motherfucker, man! You ain't never gonna believe the shit that happened to me!"

"Yeah, well, there's some other shit you ain't gonna believe either, nigga! Now get up, motherfucker!" a familiar voice shouted from behind him before Cesar could answer. Turning around, Carl raised an eyebrow at someone he didn't necessarily want to see in his current state.

"Sweet, hey, what's happening, man?"

"Where the fuck you been, CJ? You better get your ass up, we got some trouble."

How long was he gone?

"A'ight, a'ight, chill. What's up?"

Does time even pass at the same speed in a different dimension?

"I got a call from Woozie yesterday, says he needs us. Somethin' about the mafia or something, I don't know, but he needs us. The Johnson brothers gon' roll together again, but this thing's about you, CJ. It's yo' business, nigga."

What happened in Los Santos while he was away?

"Huh... a'ight, shit. Man, I need a shower, and somethin' to eat. We'll go later, a'ight?"

Would he really go back to that crazy pony land at the press of a button?

"It's in fucking Venturas, CJ! We gotta move now!"

Did he even want to go back there?

"Don't trip, bro, we cool. Look, why don't you go now? I'll clean up and jump in the harrier when I'm done," Carl said, pointing a finger at the military aircraft neatly 'parked' on the roof of their house.

Did he actually sleep with a fucking white immortal horse princess for three nights in a row?

"Are you sure you're alright, holmes? You seem pretty shook up."

"Yeah, I'm alright, Ces. Just went through a lot of shit the past two weeks, is all. So I'm just a little tired, that's all."

"What happened? I heard you was dead, bro! Nobody could find you anywhere!"

"I wasn't exactly here anymore, dude. Shit's a little complicated."

"What you mean? You been smokin' or something? Where the hell were-"

"Sean?" a somewhat familiar female voice called from behind them as the three men turned around.

Carl and Cesar's jaws dropped, although for pretty different reasons. "What the fuck?"

"Carl?"

"Lyra? What the fuck you doin' here, girl?"

"You know each other?" Sweet asked in confusion.

"You know each other?" Carl replied, equally confused.

"What in the fuck is that thing, ese?"

"Hi, I'm Sean's new... er, friend. How are you, mister? Mister...?"

"Cesar. Cesar Vialpando."

"Nice to meet you," the aquamarine unicorn said, turning around and trotting back inside the house, brushing her tail against Sweet's legs and giving one of his fingers a lick as she passed in front of him. "Come on, Sean! Let's go back to bed."

"Sweet..." Carl trailed off, reaching for his own personal interdimensional portal horn thingy. "What. The. FUCK."

"I dunno, man! I don't know what 'hood she from or anythin', but she a real nice girl," his brother said, giving him a thumbs up. "And that horn of hers? Oh, man, you wouldn't believe the shit she can do with it."

Carl just stared, pressing the button on the 'portal' without any second thoughts, all the while wearing his best 'fuck this shit, I'm outta here' expression.

"Hey, don't judge me, man!" Sweet said, raising a defensive hand at Carl's not amused face. "She's wearin' colors, dude."

Meanwhile, in another dimension...

"Sister! Sister!"

"Luna, stop shouting! I'm awake! Urgh... I think I'm awake."

"You have drunk way too much last night. Again."

"I know! I... urgh. I miss Carl. Maybe I should bring another human... or two. Fancy yourself some hot monkey dick, Lulu?"

"SISTER!"

"Alright, alright! Just, please, don't shout!" Celestia begged, slamming her hooves against her ears. She was no stranger to alcohol and her alicorn metabolism meant that she could outdrink pretty much anything short of a fully grown male dragon, but that didn't mean she could drink three liters of Everfree Clear and wake up not feeling like P. Diddy. "I wish I were mortal in times like these."

Luna stared sternly. "And we wish you were more responsible, Tia. Our subject Applejack was right, you are behaving like a foal."

"Whatever... I just... ah, whatever." the white alicorn rolled over, stretching her tired limbs. "What time is it?"

"Ten in the morning. You know we do not like raising the Sun."

Celestia rolled over again, popping more joints. "I know, I'm sorry Lulu... I-" she froze up as she felt something shift below the covers.

"Fookin' 'ell!"

"What is it, Tia? What was that?"

"I don't know!" she replied, levitating her bedsheets away as fast as she could, and revealing a young human wearing a white hoodie and a white hat.

The creature rubbed his eyes, trying to shield them from the light. "Turn the bloody lite off, mate!"

"Who are you?" Celestia asked, backing away from him.

"Huh? Shite..." the strange creature withdrew a hand from his crotch area and used it to wipe his nose. "My name's Maccer."

"What are you doing here?"

"I dunno, mate! I dreamed I was wankin' ova' sum white horse's arse, and then I woke up in 'ere, covered in spunk!" he said, raising his sticky hands for emphasis. "Bloody hell!"

Luna frowned, glaring at a flabbergasted Celestia. "Sister... what exactly did you do last night?"

"Oi! Any of ya fuckin' twats got a tissue?"

Celestia frowned back at Luna, her left eye twitching.

'What in the FUCK did I do last night?'

Are You Going To Ponyville?

Carl 'CJ' Johnson.

A man whose name strikes fear deep into the hearts of the inhabitants of the state of San Andreas. A man who went through hell and back, on a quest to save himself, his family, and the streets of his home town. Proud member and co-leader of the most powerful gang in Los Santos, the Orange Grove Street Families, Carl Johnson fears nothing.
He has seen and done it all.

In order to accomplish what no other man could, he did everything life required of him.
He fought gangs. He killed cops. He worked for, and against government agents. He hit various businesses and places, including a mafia casino and several crack factories. He did various odd jobs all around the state of San Andreas, temporarily becoming a firefighter, a pimp, a vigilante, a pilot, a street racer, a cab driver, a paramedic, a courier, an errand boy for the Triad, a hitman for the mob... you name it.
If it exists and can be done by a single man, Carl Johnson has done it.

Prepared for everything, and fearing nothing - not even death -, CJ certainely seems like a man nothing and no one can possibly stop. Nothing, and no one... except maybe what just happened to him.

The young gangsta woke up about an hour ago in the middle of fucking nowhere. Fresh, clean air... trees everywhere, and no sign of the trademark pollution, omnipresent in San Andreas. Wherever he was, Carl knew that it wasn't home, or anywhere close to it.

The last thing he remembered was going to the Ten Green Bottles bar last night with a few homeboys. And, doing what every young male usually does when going to a bar with a bunch of male friends, Carl got shitfaced.
Completely fucking wasted.

So naturally, now that he was sitting up in the middle of a dark, thick forest, Carl was starting to feel nauseous as the entire world seemed to be spinning around him. He clenched his head, somehow hoping that it would help with his pounding headache, a harsh reminder of what he did last night, even though he couldn't actually remember much. Eventually managing to get up to his feet without tumbling or falling, Carl took a look around him.

Where in the fuck was he?

While he did grew up in the ghetto, he also spent quite some time in rural areas. But never in his life had he seen grass that green, or bushes that neatly trimmed, and especially not in the middle of the wilderness. Everything was so flashy and lively... even the trees and the dirt looked clean and colorful. Speaking of dirt, there wasn't a single stain of it on anything. And there was not a single fallen leaf on the ground, either. Everything just looked so perfect, so pristine... did he get so wasted that he actually drove all the way to Vinewood, only to pass out on a movie set or something?
That would at least explain the strange scenery... but that shit ain't the truth.
Carl knew better.

Whatever that place was, the young man knew that it was not in San Andreas.

Taking a few steps forward, Carl managed to keep his balance as he began what he thought would be his long trek back home. While the state of San Andreas is an island per se, he was sure that he could find a way back. Somehow.
Hell, if anything has a motor, he can drive or fly or pilot or whatever it.

As he was collecting his thoughts, something suddenly zoomed past him, causing him to recoil in surprise. Falling back on the ground, and on his ass, Carl grunted and blinked a few times rapidly. He then looked around him, sighing in relief when he saw nothing out of the ordinary, other than the overly luxurious vegetation. While he could have sworn that he had seen a flying thing zooming past him, he simply chalked it up to the lingering effects of alcohol, or whatever the fuck else he had managed to get intoxicated with last night.
Did he smoke or something? He would never forgive himself if he actually went and smoked crack. Not after everything he's been through to eradicate that poison.

The streets, his streets, were clean.

Still, knowing full well that he was pretty damn far from being sober, he figured that there was no point in freaking out. At least not just yet. Whatever was happening, after all, he had seen far weirder shit... mainly when working for Mike Toreno. Considering for a second than it might be all part of an elaborate plan by his former 'employer', Carl shook his head and reached for his pocket, taking out his giant cellphone.

"Aw, shit!" he exclaimed, realizing that there was no network coverage. "Toreno? TORENO? Is that you, man?" he called out as he looked around frantically, trying to spot the devil in a tuxedo. But as he somewhat expected, no answer came.

Carl slowly came to the realization that wherever the hell he was, no one was going to help him. He was stuck here, wherever 'here' was, and it would remain that way until he went and did something about it.
Not that it was anything new for him, though.

"Shit. I been through a lot of shit, man! Ain't no damn forest gonna stop me." he said, mostly thinking to himself out loud. He was determined, and he definitely didn't care that there was no one around to hear him.

After deciding on a random direction, Carl started to walk, hoping that he would eventually come out of the forest, and maybe catch a glimpse of something familiar. Something that would indicate roughly where he was, even if it was on the other side of the planet. Considering the kind of shit he was currently looking at, knowing that he was still on Earth would be a relief at this point.
Looking around him as he walked past a little wooden shack, Carl took a deep breath, inhaling in the pleasant scent of various plants and fruits growing in the wilderness. Despite being much more sensitive to the beauty of a full metal jacket 7.62 millimeter bullet piercing a Balla OG's skull or a nicely pimped low-rider covered in shiny chrome with quad upswept exhaust pipes, he had to admit to himself that nature was really beautiful at times.

About twenty minutes later, and after climbing his way over a literal ocean of overgrown roots, Carl smiled as he jumped on the ground, finally out of the forest. The thick foliage was now replaced by a picturesque clearing with a small stream of water running below a rocky bridge. There was a small, quaint cottage on the other side of the water, with a large garden. He could even see another form of life! What looked like small woodland critters were running around, playing with each other.

Carl raised an eyebrow in surprise, as San Andreas was usually devoid of any kind of animal other than the occasional bird, and a few fish in the deeper areas of the rivers that ran across the state. Rivers he had conquered long ago, collecting oysters and beating the cock dozens of times in epic cross-country triathlons.

He was not in San Andreas anymore, that much was certain.

Surely there was someone in that cottage, right? Someone who could tell him where he was... there had to be.
Deciding to just shoot through and introduce himself, Carl reached for his belt and his heart skipped a beat.

His fingers made contact with the cold leather, and not the expected wooden grip of his two chrome-plated Colt M1911's with custom, gangsta as fuck seventeen-round magazines.
Who the hell took them?

Nobody touches his guns.

Somewhat distraught but definitely not afraid to rely on his fists should the need to fight arise, Carl kept walking towards the small house, only to freeze up when a large brown animal walked out from behind a chicken coop.

Who the fuck owned a bear? And who the fuck let a bear roam free in their garden? While he was an expert in all things related to fighting, killing, maiming, torturing and running people over, that didn't necessarily apply to animals. Especially not to those who could behead him with a single swipe, and especially not while he was unarmed himself.

At least, the fresh, pure air was doing wonders to help him sober up, and his headache was nearly gone, leaving him with a dull nauseous feeling. On the negative side, that probably meant that the possibility of all of this being a very vivid hallucination was out of the window.

"Damn, I wish that nigga Smoke was here... man, that chubby motherfucker sure would have know where to get some' to eat... shit." Carl sighed, staring blankly at nothing in particular. He had never regretted anything he had done in the past, but having had to murder his childhood friend Melvin Harris was something he knew he wouldn't just get over anytime soon.
Or maybe ever.

They were like family...

Shaking his head as if it could help him get rid of those thoughts, Carl caught a glimpse of something in the distance. It looked like some sort of small flying animal. His eyes slowly cast downwards, and below the swift bird-like creature was what appeared to be some sort of small rural town. There were a few houses scattered around, a particularly large tree with a ridiculously thick canopy, and a few round, fluffy clouds hovering above, at very low altitude. He could also spot a giant... whatever the hell that thing even was. Some sort of life sized gingerbread house?

Whatever... this place looked even weirder than the depths of the forest.

And beyond looking weird, it also looked cliché. More cliché than anything he had ever seen in his life, but town meant population. And population could mean help getting his ass back to Los Santos.

'Fuck this asocial weirdo and his bears', he thought. 'I don't need that motherfucker's help! I'm gon' get some' to eat and find a phone or some'. There has to be some nigga willing to help a brother out.'

After walking for about a hundred yards, dread and apprehension were starting to take their toll on the young man. While he was afraid of nothing, 'nothing' only encompassed what existed. And as far as Carl could tell, three feet tall cartoon-ish equines with bright pastel colors, horns, wings, and tattoos on their butts... well, those things didn't fit under the 'existing' category.
Clearly, his body wasn't ready for mindfuck of this magnitude. Just what in the fuck did he do last night?

His six feet stature allowed him to maintain some composure as he entered the town proper, watching in a mix of awe and fear as some of the little creatures went about their day, while most of the others scurried away from him. Carl couldn't believe his eyes, but he was starting to feel pretty sober by now, and everything was so vivid... maybe The Truth was right all along.
Maybe those strange midget horses were government algorithms trying to pick up his brains, or whatever the fuck the hippy had tried to warn him about. Seriously, simply walking around this small town was even stranger than stealing green alien shit while flying his personal sixty million dollar jetpack.

The sight of these creatures running away from him with disturbingly human-like sounds did little to reassure him. Sure, they were scared of him... as they should be. But what if they saw him as a real, imminent threat? As much as he hated to admit it, fist fighting against large groups wasn't Carl's forte, and he knew he wouldn't be able to take on more than three or four of these little horses at once... maybe five, depending on whether they go for the nuts or not.
Even with his badass kickboxing moves, what would he do against dozens of quadrupeds at once, some of which having the ability to fly?

Walking into a (now near empty) marketplace, Carl saw two creatures standing near a stand. One of them was white with purple hair, and the other orange with blonde hair, and with some sort of brown thing on its head.
'Did another flying horse shit on it? That'd put 'em pigeons to shame for sure', he thought, a faint smile forming on his face for the first time since he had left the forest.

And were those... apples? He had never seen such huge, bright red, ripe apples. Goddamn, they looked delicious. Maybe because he was really hungry, but... heh.
Approaching the two equine creatures, Carl tried to look as friendly as he could, but it was a lost cause. He was way too gangsta for that shit. Pure, unadulterated swag was running through his veins, along with ice cold gangsta blood.
While the orange shit-covered horse ran away without even giving him a proper look, the white one didn't, and instead chose to eye him strangely as he came to a stop a few feet away.

Damn, there were so many things wrong with that pony-like thing... besides the obvious fact that standing at roughly three and a half feet, it was more akin to a large dog than to an equine, a lot of other things were off about it.

It had an exaggeratedly curly and unnaturally purple mane. Its tail was similar in color and style, and its body looked soft, almost like a marshmallow. It didn't seem to have any apparent features. Just smooth, white skin... or was it fur? It didn't seem to have visible muscles or actual hooves, either. Just smooth limbs ending in a rounded... something? How did they call the feet of a horse again?
And how did those things even walk around, with these feet?

It also had a small horn, with strange grooves running along it in a spiral pattern, and impossibly large deep blue eyes adorned with eyelashes faker than OG Loc himself. And finally, to top it all off, it had a strange tattoo representing three blue gems of some sort on its butt. On both sides.
How were horses' butts called already? Flanks or something, right?
To his defense, there were no horses in San Andreas.

In any case, it definitely looked female, but Carl wasn't an expert in women. Even though he slept around from time to time, he often had more important things to do. Such as crashing finely tuned multi-million dollar sports cars into random buildings, and killing innocent people with his trusty M134 Vulcan Minigun.
Goddamn, he loved that thing, even though he had to spend months at the gym to even be able to lift it off the ground. Countless hours of sweating and straining his aching muscles well spent.

Giving the hipster midget horse a weird look, Carl crossed his arms over his broad chest as the pony looked up at him, before speaking up in an overly feminine tone.

"Oh, my goodness! What an absolutely horrible, dreadful creature! And your taste in clothing, darling! It is simply... oh, my! I will not tolerate such filth! Such an outfit is an insult to the fashion industry."

Carl raised an eyebrow, putting aside the fact that, well, a fucking cartoon horse just talked to him, and in English. He kneeled down, his dark brown eyes piercing into deep blue ones.
Did that bitch just dis his Binco threads?

"Just 'cause I look nice, you think I ain't for real?" he asked in his usual high-pitched, one hundred percent nigga voice.

By the looks of it, the little horse was the one to freak out at the fact that the other had the ability to talk. Screaming in an overly dramatic fashion, she turned around and galloped away as fast as her legs would carry her.

What kind of shit was that? What the hell was going on? Was there really such a thing as an alternate dimension?
Or was he just in the Pentagon, being probed by aliens in tinfoil hats disguised as government agents?

Fucking hell...
Carl sat up in the grass and a brought a hand to his chin, staring at the ghost town. Almost every single pony was hiding from him, and all doors and windows were shut. He sighed heavily, a particular memory of his childhood coming back to him.

Years ago, when he was still a little boy, he and his brother Brian used to play cops and robbers together, with a little twist. Whenever the robber was caught, he had to invent a story, and explain the cop why he had decided to become a robber in the first place.

Initially, the answers were pretty simple.
'I had to feed my family, officer.', 'I have no job, dude!' and 'Fuck tha police, nigga!' were pretty common answers, as they honestly couldn't think of many other reasons why a man would want to steal. However, as the years went by, and as the perspective of actually having to steal in order to survive became more and more real to the two teenagers, they realized that beyond greed, there were no real reasons why one would want to become a robber... it was more of a necessity. Make a living off stealing others' goods.
At least in Los Santos in that era, it was a necessity for some. For many, in fact.

Obviously, there was the occasional couple of street thugs hitting a liquor store, looking for a cheap thrill... but in the end, the prospect of having to become a petty thug in order to survive wasn't appealing to either of them.

While their older brother Sean seemed to be interested in becoming a gang member, always trying everything he could think of to impress members of the Orange Grove Families, as it was called back then, the two younger siblings didn't want any of that. They quickly realized that two young Afro-American boys growing up in the ghetto in the late seventies, in a city torn apart by gangs, drugs and corruption had very little chance to become something other than small-time thugs, so they began to think about alternate solutions. Potential ways out.

While they never found a viable one, Brian once suggested that they could try to build a machine that would send them into an alternate dimension, where San Andreas would be a beautiful place with jobs and money for everyone. It already sounded stupid in their twelve year old minds, but it still wasn't sounding quite as stupid as having to grow up in these conditions.

Nearly fifteen years later, the idea of another dimension even existing still sounded stupid in Carl's mind, but not quite as stupid now that he seemed to be stuck in one himself. What could he do? Could he ever get back home? Were there vehicles there? Besides the fact that he loved nothing more than jacking a fast ride, getting around on foot would get old pretty quickly.
Was there some sort of police force here, or would he be free to wreak havoc as he pleased?

A grunt stirred him out of his thoughts. Glancing at a bush nearby, Carl saw a light green horn protruding from it. One of those midget horses was spying on him?

Ninja these motherfuckers.

Using his super stealth techniques that Ryder's homie LB taught him a long time ago, Carl 'Clockwork Ninja' Johnson made his way to the bush without alerting whatever was inside. Reaching for the protruding bony appendage, he flicked it and heard a small yelp of surprise from the creature.
As it emerged from inside the bush, the light green unicorn stared at him in awe.

Wait, green?
Grabbing it by the horn and bringing it up to eye level, Carl gave it a confused look, still not willing to admit he wasn't in San Andreas anymore.

"Yo, what up? What you wearin' colors for, dude?"

The creature's look of amazement quickly turned into one of confusion as she brought a hoof to her chin. "Um, I'm not sure I understand what you're talking about, but... oh, my sweet Celestia! You're a human! I knew I was right all along! Ha! Take that, Bon Bon! You stupid hater! Oh my, I can't believe it, you're a human! She's gonna be so jealous! You're... you're real! You're... well, um... you look a little burnt. Are you alright? Did somepony hurt you?"

Ignoring the 'insult' as he dropped the pony in disbelief, Carl scratched his balls. This shit was a whole new level of fucked up. Seriously, he was dealing with shit on a whole other level here. Even waking up in the middle of a cartoon forest in another dimension seemed normal to him now, compared to that mare's behavior.

"Ain't no colors gettin' you no respect if you ain't respectin' yo' colors, man!" he said matter-of-factly, pointing a finger at the aquamarine unicorn. "You's a mark."

Shooting a glance at her flank, Lyra gave the tall alien a strange look. "Um, yes, I have a mark... it's called a cutie mark. Is that what you meant, mister human?"

Carl frowned. "Hey look man, cut the shit, dude! I don't care where you from, what 'hood you be representin' or nothin', I just wanna know where the fuck we at. This... this ain't San Andreas, is it?"

"Um... no? You're in Ponyville, in the kingdom of Equestria... I have never heard of that San Andreas place, but... you're a human! And you're like, real! Oh my Celestia, we need to do human stuff together! Can you teach me? Hey, can I touch you? Please?" the young mare asked enthusiastically as she raised a hoof, which Carl quickly slapped away.

"Hey yo, back the fuck up. I'm gettin' a lil' pissed here." he said, taking a step back. "Now listen, I gotta get back to the 'hood, somebody's gotta be checkin' on shit, y'know? My homies an' shit, they gon' be worryin' 'bout my ass if I'm gone for too long. And where the fuck is Aquastriad? I ain't never heard of no place called like that."

"It's, um, it's Equestria... and well, mister human, I think you must be very far from your home..."

"Yeah? No shit."

"That's, um... t-that's all I can tell you, I'm sorry... My name is Lyra, by the way."

Carl frowned, bringing a hand to his face and stroked his badass goatee. "Damn... say, don't y'all have someone who knows shit?"

Trying her hardest to remember that strange zebra-human hybrid from an old episode of My Little Human, Lyra was starting to understand a few parts of Carl's dialect. "Well, there is this librarian pony, Twilight Sparkle. If anypony can help you, it would be her... I think. She lives in the Golden Oaks library, it's the large tree on the edge of town. You can't possibly miss it."

Half-listening to the green pony, Carl couldn't stop staring at the grooves running along her horn. They looked so... strange. He just had to touch them.

"So um, do you want me to... maybe walk you there? Or I could-" Lyra was interrupted as rough human skin made contact with her sensitive horn. "Eeeep!"

Carl recoiled in surprise, and shot her a confused glance. "'Sup? Did I hurt yo' ass or some'?"

Blushing profusely, Lyra smiled and brushed the back of her head with hoof. "No, no, I'm sorry, you just startled me, um..." she trailed off, trying to remember some more of the strange dialect used by the zebrumans. "So, what up mah dawg?"

Letting out a small chuckle, Carl stood up as he looked at Lyra in a mix of confusion and amusement. "Look, thanks for the help and all, but I'mma go see that Toilet Struggle bitch you be talkin' about. Maybe she can help my ass."

"Um... it's Twilight Sparkle. What's your name, mister human?"

"The name's Carl. Carl Johnson."

"Alright, mister Johnson. I hope you can find whatever it is you're trying to find... it was an honor meeting your kind."

Carl raised an eyebrow at her implication. "My kind? 'The fuck you tryna say?"

"Well, humans, of course!" Lyra replied confusedly.

"Humans? What you mean? There ain't no... aw, shit..." he trailed off, realization dawning on him. "You mean there ain't no humans in Equestria?"

"Um, no... but now there is one! Oh my gosh, I'm so excited!"

"Jeah... whatever you say, man. Look, I'll catch you later, a'ight?" the young man said, turning around as he started to walk away. No humans? That was fucking outrageous. Who was gonna... well, anything. Everything. Carl couldn't quite imagine life without other humans.

"Good luck, mister Carl! I hope you, um..." she trailed off once again, wishing she had brought with her her fanfiction based on the script of the zebruman episode. "Yo, later, playa! I hope y'all gon' be pimpin' 'em hoes, doe! Y'know what I'm sayin'?"

"Damn, you're one fucked up lil' horse, man." Carl chuckled heartily as he raised an arm without looking back at the green mare.

Lyra was boiling with excitement, watching as the young male made his way towards Twilight's treebrary in the distance. "Yes! A compliment! At least it sounded like he was complimenting me... it wasn't negative anyway. That means he must like me!" she managed to articulate through frantic fangirl screaming. Her first encounter with a real human had sure lacked a bit in the romance department, but... it would be all the sweeter in the end, right?
Right?

no

Author's Note

I wish I felt sorry for this, but I don't.

8 months later

And retrospectively now, I deeply regret not having had CJ meet Zecora... oh well.