The Curse of A Well-Read Man

by LeoneHaxor

Rating: teen
Tags: Scootaloo, Adventure, Crossover, Sex, Sunset Shimmer, Twilight Sparkle, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Rainbow Dash, Other, Equestria Girls, Comedy
Length: 55286

Silvertongue - a person with the rare gift of turning the written word into reality. One just sent Twilight Sparkle flying into his bookcase. Adventure ensues.

After being given a link to a fanfiction, Lee Richards learns the hard way that he is a Silvertongue - a person with the rare gift of turning the written word into reality.

Apparently reading a fanfiction out loud can summon characters from them, so now he has to try and bring a certain unicorn back home. What could possibly go wrong?

Inspired by Dawn of the First Day, written by Miniscule Literary, Inkheart by Cornelia Funke, and OH GOD THE RAPTURE IS BURNING by DJay32, as well as various other works. Reader discretion is advised, and all outside works are the intellectual properties of their original authors.

Published 2014-05-06 17:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-01 16:32:38 UTC

Chapter 1 - An Unexpected Party (Director's Cut)

Lee abruptly stopped laughing. The sound definitely came from one of the other rooms. Fearing an intruder, Lee grabbed a replica lightsaber he got from some creepy-ass merchant at Comic-Con and lit the blade. It glowed a brilliant pale blue in front of him. While it was unlikely he would find Darth Vader in his pajamas raiding his home, he thought it best to use the lightsaber rather waste time looking for his emergency flashlight.

He cautiously moved out from his room, looking warily in the dark. He was thankful he turned off his stereo when reading in his room, because otherwise he would have been likely caught unawares. Moving out into the hall, he did a quick check of his bathroom, and concluded that unless cheap detergents were going to beef up the bacteria into the size of puppies, nothing was in there.

Sweeping the kitchen, he found the most threatening thing to offer was a partially finished pizza box that went cold hours ago, as well as the dishes he left in the sink to “soak.” I really need to clean up this place, he thought idly.

Lee continued, uncertainly, to the main room, without any difficulty except his rapidly growing tension. Both process of elimination and what his own eyes saw told him that whoever – or whatever – it was waiting for him there.

One of his bookcases had fallen over since he went to his bedroom some time before. Books, hard and paperback, large and small, had scattered onto the floor. The remains of a LEGO Death Star lay in ruins amidst the jumble. Almost as if something...

A weak moan coming from the pile interrupted his thoughts. His curiosity prevailed over his unease. He shifted the books to see who it was. He viciously slapped himself with his free hand to ensure he wasn't delirious.

Lying under his collection of novels lay the form of a very distinctive purple unicorn.

Faced with the impossible, Lee would like to say that he stayed calm and quietly considered how this could have occurred. If only.

Lee made a beeline for the door to his room. After shutting himself inside, he slowly collected himself and tried to work out what he just saw.

Twilight Sparkle, in his apartment, unconscious under a pile of books.

His thoughts were a blur. How the fuck is that possible? Am I going crazy? Is this a dream? AM I HIGH? He again tried vainly slapping his face, in the fleeting hope he was dreaming. No such luck.

Alright, so I'm not dreaming. Fine. Assuming I’m not high (because this place would look much more impressive or at least trippy). What am I supposed to do with a pastel unicorn in my house? Moreover, exactly how did she get there in the first place?

A thought struck him abruptly. He picked up his phone and made a call to the one person he knew was likely to have an answer - and he could trust not to rat him out to the FBI or something.

It rang for an agonizing 16 seconds, until finally Lee heard the line being picked up.

"Hey, Lee, what's up?" Setton answered.

Lee took a few seconds to peek out at the still form underneath his books. "Quick question for you; ever hear of reading something out loud and it somehow just...happened?"

"Sure, it sounds familiar. You remember reading Inkheart, right? That was its entire premise right there. People with that power were called Silvertongues, and they could alter reality by reading aloud. Give one a book and watch the fireworks. Hang on…" Setton's voice became curious. "…why are you asking me this? I thought you already read that one."

Silvertongue.

Considering this - which was far more preferable to proving his own insanity - he gingerly picked up a book from the pile, and read aloud slowly.

"One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie.

He paused and then said slowly in a deep voice: "This is the Master-ring, the One Ring to rule them all."

As he read the last few words, a glint appeared in his eye. Bending over to see more clearly, his growing fears were confirmed.

Lee struggled to keep his thoughts coherent. "I need you to get over here now."

A tense moment of silence followed. "Lee, what's going on over there?"

On his carpet before him was a gold ring, with a glowing red inscription in the language of Mordor.

Setton pulled up a few minutes later, and made his way up the stairs to the second floor apartment. Knocking on the door, he was surprised to find Lee throwing it open. His head snapped to either side of the opening, and Setton was suddenly grabbed by the shirt and roughly pulled inside.

"Was that really necessary?" he asked Lee, who was working quickly to lock the door.

Lee's face was serious. "Maybe not, but if there ever was a time, it's now."

Saying this, Lee showed Setton the form still motionless under his bookcase. It took him a minute to make sense of what he was seeing. His hand slowly began to lift itself to face level, but Lee obliged, leaving his friend with a colored cheek.

“Trust me, I went down that same line of thinking. This isn’t a hoax, there isn’t some camera crew and Ashton Kutcher hiding in the kitchen. And no, you’re not high.”

Lee picked up his copy of the fanfiction from the coffee table nearby and handed it to Setton. Dubious, he glanced at the paper before him until he hit the right paragraph. He looked from the limp heap to the cold print several times before the penny dropped.

Silence.

"...You're telling me that you read this out loud -"

"And the next thing I knew, I hear her crash into my bookcase," Lee finished.

“You're a Silvertongue?! An honest to God Silvertongue!?”

Lee shrugged. “Apparently.”

Setton's brows went sky high. “And you're just taking this in stride?”

Lee shrugged again. “I did my freaking out while you were getting here.”

Strictly speaking, Lee had freaked out while Setton dealt with traffic. The strangest thing was, the shock left Lee after about three minutes.

Setton looked from the fanfiction to Twilight, and back to the fanfiction. "Why is she unconscious? If I'm reading this correctly, this passage said she was regaining her senses as Alfonz fled."

Lee grinned sheepishly. "Remember how I couldn't find a place for my LEGO Death Star?"

Setton saw the brick chunks strewn among the books, and pieced it together quickly.

Setton looked at Lee sternly. "If you've managed to kill one of my favorite ponies, I'm going to turn you inside out, cover you in salt and lemon juice, throw you into a barrel of rusty razors and proceed to roll you down a hill."

Lee was startled by this oddly specific (and disturbingly inventive) threat for a moment. "Jesus, Setton! I checked her pulse and everything! She was only knocked unconscious, I swear."

Setton closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Okay. As long as she's...” A thought struck him. "Wait a minute. How long has she been out, anyway?"

Lee checked his watch. "About six minutes and five seconds."

There was a moan from the pile, and both men froze.

Simultaneously, they shifted their gaze to the now stirring figure on Lee's floor. Lee slowly placed his hand into his pocket, and whispered to the blanched figure beside him. "Hide!"

Lee's fingers closed on the object he was feeling for, and he promptly vanished.

Setton, dumbfounded, regarded this development for a moment before remembering the passage from Lord of the Rings he heard uttered on the phone earlier. He then dove for the first door he saw, and found himself trapped in the bathroom.

His inner smartass spoke its mind: What a shitty situation.

In their haste, Lee nearly left the fanfiction in plain view, as Setton dropped it seconds ago. Stuffing the now-sensitive document in his shirt, he backed away from the waking mare as quickly as he dared.

With a pained groan, Twilight groggily made her way to her feet. "Why did you have to be so difficult, Alfonz?" she moaned, before realizing she wasn't in her library anymore. She swiftly looked around the room, wondering just how hard she had been thrown. Her concern grew when she fully grasped that she had no idea where the hell she was.

"Hello?" she asked tentatively. "Where am I?"

Lee froze, checking the hand he slipped the Ring onto. The last thing he needed was the treacherous thing slipping off and exposing himself to the horny time-bomb. The Ring, however, was firmly secured on his finger, seemingly loyal to its current bearer.

Suspicions allayed for now, he considered his situation. Twilight Sparkle seemed unaware of either his or Setton's presence, but that wasn't likely to last much longer. So he did the first logical thing that came to his mind. He spoke.

"Hello, traveler," Lee intoned in the best Baritone he could manage. "Welcome to my humble home. Please, make yourself comfortable." Twilight started at these words, but lay on his couch after a moment.

So far so good.

Lee threw a glance to Setton's hiding place. If there was any chance of diverting her attention from the considerably more vulnerable man in his bathroom, he had to keep going. Lee made his way to the bookcase, still hidden by the Ring's power. He righted it with a barely audible grunt, wincing as the sound left his lips. He was trying to go for the “intangible magical presence” effect, which was basically trying to copy the Wizard of Oz without a curtain, but for the moment it seemed to work.

Starting to place several books back on his shelves, he continued. "It's not every day that an Equestrian appears so into literature," he said with a chuckle. He came across one novel of the Dresden Files, and placed it under his arm before resuming.

"Tell me," knowing the answer already. "What is the last thing you remember before you awoke here?”

Her face unreadable, she slowly replied, "I was trying to get to know someone better, and he ends up throwing me into a bookcase." Pausing, she inquired, "Sorry, but I don't seem to have caught your name."

Ignoring the question, he replied, "I believe that his name is Alfonz? The fellow you were trying to 'get to know better'?"

The reply came in the form of a suspicious nod. "If I remember right, I'd say he is busy with another of your friends," he stated, hoping he remembered the fanfic correctly. Twilight sat bolt upright at these words.

A few more sentences, and he would ensure she wouldn’t ask too many questions about what he was. Or think to figure out what he was by using her magic. Either way, it would buy him some time to think of a way out of...

Behind him, Setton's hold on the door slipped, and he fell over into the room.

“Balls,” Lee muttered.

Chapter 2 - Old Friends (Director's Cut)

Thinking fast, Lee spoke up in his altered voice. "Setton, old friend! It is good to see you!" he said merrily. "Do you think there any more people coming, or am I going to need my party supplies?"

Setton processed this for a moment, and realized Lee intended to bullshit his way through this one. "Oh, I honestly don't know; I only came in on accident." Setton replied not untruthfully, brushing himself off casually as he could manage. Entering the room proper, he addressed the only visible other in sight. "Pardon me, but I don't think we've met before. Setton Stone, at your service," he said with a gentlemanly bow.

While he was acting his ass off, his actual thoughts read something like, 'oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck I'm actually talking to Twilight Freaking Sparkle for the love of all that is holy do NOT fuck this up'

Twilight Sparkle had her eyes locked on the man with a strange look in her eyes. "I'm Twilight Sparkle...at yours." she said with a slight slyness in her tone.

Lee tried not to cringe as he was removing certain titles from his shelf, and gave up when he remembered he was invisible. He had about half of the information in his mind about how this Twilight would act, and prayed to any deity that would listen that, like in Inkheart, her behavior could shift from the script (if only a little) due to her absence from her story. The Silvertongue didn't want to have his tombstone read:

"Here lies Lee Richards. 1996 – 2016. He died while being aggressively molested by a unicorn."

Though he did admit that would make a pretty unique epitaph.

Setton, not realizing how deep he was digging himself, decided to let a bit of his enthusiasm slip. "Certainly not THE Twilight Sparkle," he said in astonishment, "Hailed as the most magically attuned unicorn in Equestria, descendant of the legendary mage Starswirl the Bearded, and current bearer of the Element of Magic?"

Lee nearly facepalmed, but stopped himself as a thought came to him. Alfonz typically dealt with his amorous aggressors with hostility, biting wit, and sheer willpower. Perhaps this fanboying would save their asses.

The mare was taken aback at his choice of words, taking a moment to collect herself before responding.

"Yes, that's me," she said sheepishly, with her face visibly crimson.

Their luck was holding out much better than he had hoped, and Lee began to relax before realizing it could easily go south at any second. Lee took a moment to make sure he had the books he wanted with him, and made his way over to his closet. Opening it, he retrieved a gray messenger bag and his well-worn overcoat, placing the books into the former and placing the latter on the nearby chair.

Turning, Lee cleared his throat ostensibly. "One moment of your time, Setton, would be greatly appreciated."

Setton, coming to his senses - though not happily - apologized to Twilight and made his way to the hall.

He felt an invisible hand pull him towards the other room, leaving their "guest" to her thoughts.

Speaking of whom, Twilight's face fell as she considered something Setton had said. 'Did he say I was Starswirl's descendant?'

When the door closed behind them, Lee slapped his friend.

Setton practically spat out, "What the hell was that for?"

Lee took off the Ring, and looked his old friend in the eyes. "Look, you broke up with your last girlfriend two weeks ago. And I get it, there are some fictional girls we'd all like to get it on with if we had the chance. But do you really think now is the best time to hook up outside of your species?"

Setton grew flustered, but Lee interrupted him. "Look, you're my friend. Hell, I've been by your side even when you tried to make a rocket out of wood, office chairs, a stolen windshield, and propane tanks five years ago. No matter what goes down, I need to know that you'll have my back like I've had yours.

"I'm not saying that wasn't risky," he added as he lowered his voice, "but that was damn good work on your part. Perhaps I won't be so quick to condemn similar acts of fangasm in the future - mostly because that shocked her into giving us time. But something tells me that you don’t want her hopes getting too high."

A moment of stunned silence passed between them, Setton looking at Lee in disbelief, the latter regarding him levelly. Setton was rendered speechless, unable to find something coherent to reply with.

Lee broke that loaded silence by pointing out that they had to find her a way back to Equestria, because they couldn't risk the eventual bashing down of their doors from people trying to exploit the unicorn for one reason or another.

They regarded each other silently for a moment.

"...you have no idea where to look for a passage back, do you?"

"You were paying attention," Lee said with a smile, patting Setton's shoulder in approval. "You're getting much better at reading subtext."
Setton rolled his eyes and thought for a moment. "If we're going to look for a fool-proof way to bring her back, we need to check the library for a usable passage. I doubt you have something better in mind, anyway."

Lee nodded. "Fine, but if she's going outside, we need to hide her. Last thing we need is a bunch of bronies or god knows who else proclaiming the Hour of Twilight."

Lee looked over the pages of a book on his desk, and swiftly looked for a certain passage. A few words later, a plain-looking cloak appeared on his bed. Lee draped the cloak over Setton, who immediately vanished from sight.

Setton hopped up and down, squee-ing like a girl. 'I've got an Invisibility Cloak!' he thought in jubilation.

Lee had to fumble around in order to grasp the Cloak, and he promptly whipped it off of Setton. “We've got work to do,” he said, finger wagging.

Setton pouted. “Can I get it back later?”

“Only if you help me pack.”

And so the two went to work grabbing tools and supplies left strewn on Lee's desk. A half-finished model of the Wheatley core from Portal 2 was casually moved aside, as the duo grabbed loose sheets of paper in various states of use, writing utensils, a notebook, and emergency flashlights.

Lee also grabbed his old backpack and gave it to Setton, who started to pack in earnest. They evenly split his snack stash, consisting of a box of Twinkies, two large bags of Cheetos, a six-pack of Gatorade, and several ramen cups.

After some consideration, Lee stuffed his model in a toolbox's compartment along with the materials and tools he had been using, and stowed it under his arm. It wouldn't hurt to have it close at hand, he reasoned, because you never know when you’d have the time to do such things.

Although Lee knew that he was really bringing it because he didn’t want to repeat a certain Jordan Dooling’s mistake; at one point he hadn’t had something better to occupy his time with, so he took advantage of his (supposedly) private setting. Only it turned out that the cell was a giant one-way mirror. And his friends were forced to watch.

He knew that the likelihood of that happening to him was slim to none, considering that it was from a work of apocalyptic fiction, but he preferred to learn from mistakes.

They exited the room after another moment checking and rechecking that they got everything they needed. Lee had been persuaded against wearing the Ring this time, as Setton preferred to face what was to come without any further deception. That and anyone on the road would be alarmed to see a car seemingly driving itself.

Twilight looked quizzically at Lee for a moment before piecing together that he was the owner of the disembodied voice. “Am I in the human world?” she asked.

Lee cringed. “Yeah, and that's my fault,” he admitted. “Unintentional, sure. But I'm sorry for that.”

Twilight got a strange gleam in her eyes. “So does that mean that there are more male humans nearby?”

Lee frowned. “Yeah, but there's a good chance you'd be dragged off by the FBI or something. They'd probably ship you off to top men –”

Twilight's eyes gleamed. “Oh?” she asked eagerly.

“– who would probably dissect you to figure out what makes you tick.”

Setton looked at Lee in horror, and Twilight's ears drooped. “Oh,” she said with considerably less enthusiasm.

After somewhat arbitrary introductions, Lee quickly put on his coat and bag, and made his way over to the mare. Slowly he crouched to be level with her eyes. "Now then," began Lee. "I'm going to try and get you home – preferably before the FBI gets wind of this – so I'm going to need your full cooperation. What you can do first is –"

Lee grumbled to himself as he stuffed more foodstuffs into his pack. He certainly didn't ask for that to happen, and was anything but happy about that development. Sure, a part of him got a kick out of it, but that was the minority vote in the Senate of his mind.

Setton was grumbling for a different reason as he dragged one of the filled packs to Lee's car. “Lucky bastard gets a kiss from Twilight Sparkle and starts acting like Lucy van Pelt in that Christmas special. Does he even realize how many people would kill for that?”

Setton paused. “Wait a minute...” He thought back to the fanfiction Lee had waved in his face. Setton whipped out his cell-phone and dialed Lee's number.

“Yeah, Setton?”

"So to be clear, you got her out of Dawn of the First Day?"

“Yeah...”

Setton closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “And you read the rest of that fanfiction?”

“I skimmed it for anything with her name,” Lee confided. “But I read about what she did to Spike,” he said in a considerably lower tone.
“Why do you ask?”

Setton winced. Yeah, that explained it. “I was wondering why you flipped out a minute ago.”

Lee sighed. “When this is all over, we're having a discussion about your tastes in literature. How's the coast today?”

Ah, the code. Setton turned in a casual circle. “Pretty empty, all things considered.”

“Good. Keep me posted.” With that, Lee cut the connection.

Lee looked over his apartment, taking in every detail of it. He had the sinking feeling that he wouldn't see this place for a while, but a part of him didn't care.

That same part of him that took the whole 'Silvertongue' business in stride, when the rest of him was coming up with a thousand questions about it.

Silvertongues gain their power through their bloodlines – in order to be one, at least one of your ancestors had to possess the 'gift,' so that begged a question in Lee's mind. How many of his family had the blood of the Silvertongues? Who passed the gift to him? Was it his father, his mother... or perhaps both?

Lee shook his head. He couldn't get those answers right now, but he made a silent vow to find the truth behind his power.

He turned his head towards Twilight, who was eying him strangely.

Lee sighed. This was going to be a long adventure. He just felt it in his bones.

After employing the invisibility cloak, the two men strolled as casually as they could with a lot of nothing in Setton's arms. Lee opened the door of his El Camino so Setton could enter the backseat before Lee slid into the front.

As the doors shut, Twilight piped up from under the invisibility cloak. “You do know I can cast an invisibility spell, right?”

Lee shook his head. “I'd rather not have you use up all your magic just to keep yourself from being noticed.”

“It would run off of ambient magic in the thaumosphere, so the drain would be minimal at best,” Twilight said as she 'looked' herself over. “But speaking of the cloak...where did you get this, anyway? The craftsponyship is incredible.”

Lee shared a glance with Setton though the rear-view mirror. “Let's just say I ordered it, and leave it at that for now.”

With that, Lee turned the ignition, and the car spluttered into life.

The radio began blaring a familiar tune as they pulled out of the parking lot. Lee grinned maliciously at the irony as he sang along with the chorus.

So you want to play with magic?
Boy, you should know what you're falling for.
Baby, do you dare to do this?
'Cause I'm coming at you like a dark horse.

He danced in his seat, swaying his shoulders slightly up and down while keeping the wheel level, which is a feat easier said than done when driving at forty-five miles per hour.

Are you ready for, ready for
the perfect storm, perfect storm?
Cause once you're mine, once you're mine -
There's no going back!

Laughing, he decided to quit teasing his now crimson-cheeked friend and switched the input to the CD. The music soothed Setton slightly, and after a few seconds a side of his shirt flattened. Setton tried to focus on the music, and shoved the inner fanboy deep in his psyche to avoid catatonia.

Several blocks later, they pulled up to the library, with both companions sitting comfortably in the backseat. To their fortune, the only people other than themselves in the library were the sleeping librarian and an old man wearing sunglasses, who was quietly poring over a weathered book.

Making their way to the shelves in the fiction section, Setton felt it safe to take the cloak from Twilight, who was set down immediately.

“So this is a human library...” she murmured, eyes sparkling.

Lee left Setton to look after her for a moment, and went to the fantasy and science fiction shelves.

Halfway into his search, Lee almost didn't notice him enter the wing. He was wearing a black fedora, sunglasses, and a crimson button-down shirt underneath an open black greatcoat. Alarm bells went off in his head when he realized the man was headed directly towards where he left Setton and Twilight. Moving to intercept this stranger, Lee rapidly crossed the shelves, ever aware he was a mere four rows from the duo.

The man saw him coming, and paused. Features twisted in shock, the man consulted a note he had produced from his coat. Looking from the page to Lee, the man's shock dissipated, and a smile came over his face.

"Hello again, my friend. You haven't aged a day," he said, a strange note in his voice.

Lee was puzzled. He didn't seem to recall the fellow's name, but there was something familiar about him he couldn't quite place...

The mysterious man noticed his confusion, and smacked himself in the forehead. "Ah, I forgot about that – you don't remember me, do you?"

Lee's confusion grew as he struggled to put a name to the face before him. There was a nagging feeling of familiarity, but any attempts Lee made just gave him a headache.

The man saw fit to introduce himself at this point – "Silias Aeson, at your service" – with a tip of his hat.

"Lee Richards, at yours," the Silvertongue responded in kind. Lee realized that he had no hat to tip when his hand was halfway to his head, and he settled for rubbing his neck awkwardly.

Silias gestured to a certain row behind Lee. "I'd wager you'd like some assistance with getting your friend home." Lee began to speak, but Silias interrupted him. "I'd like to continue the acting enigmatic and say I knew about your situation long before you arrived, but let's be honest – I can see her from over here."

Twilight stepped out from behind the shelves and looked levelly at Silias, giving him an evaluating stare. Setton, dazedly following behind, clothes looking rather ragged, as if a sexually frustrated mare attempted to forcibly disrobe him while sealing his mouth shut with telekinesis.

...Silias pretended not to notice this. Instead, he looked around, taking in their surroundings as if for the first time. "Listen, this place isn’t the best for this conversation,” he said in stage whisper. “Follow me – I know where we can talk in private." Turning, Silias made his way deeper into the library.

Lee was still confused about Silias' intentions for the group, but he realized that the only way to get answers was to take the gamble. So Lee followed after Silias, gesturing to Setton and Twilight to do likewise.

Setton kept a wide berth from the mare, his eyes now holding a haunted thousand yard stare. Twilight, on the other hand – hoof? – held an expression made of one part curiosity, and one part disappointment.

As they turned a corner, Lee was suddenly compelled to look back. His gaze fell upon the old man, who was steadily meeting his gaze. Lee unconsciously reached into his pocket, and felt the reassuring metal of a pocket watch.

The old man smiled, raised a finger to his lips, and stood to leave with his book in his right hand. It was only after the man left the room that Lee noticed the white cane in his left.

After a few minutes of walking, the air seemed to grow heavier and heavier as the lights gradually lessened. They only went down a flight or two of stairs, but Lee couldn't shake the felling that they were stories below the library. His concern slowly mounted, but it was Setton who spoke up first. "Where exactly are you taking us? And, for that matter, who the hell are you anyway?"

Silias didn't break his stride, but he did turn to look at the group behind him. He thought for a moment, and replied with his own question. "You don't find it odd that I saw you with Twilight Sparkle in tow and didn't bat an eye?"

Setton opened his mouth, considered this, and closed it silently.

Lee, however, was intrigued. "Is this because of what happened the last time we met?"

Silias looked at Lee for a moment. "Wait, does that mean that you remember me?" he asked.

When Lee shook his head, he was visibly disappointed. "Well, things did get...bizarre the last time we crossed paths.” Silias looked into Lee's eyes. “The kind of bizarre that attracts some very dangerous attention."

Lee thought back to the Ring sitting in his pocket, and started to grasp exactly how terrifying his ability could be.

"Now, when you say 'very dangerous,’ what weight bracket are we talking about?" he wondered aloud, almost afraid to find out.

Silias stopped, searching for the right words. Staring at Twilight and Setton for a moment, he turned so that his back was to them.

Lee noted that the note was back in Silias' hand, and that Silias seemed to be scanning it for something.

"'In terms that your friends would understand, they'd take Applejack's best shot look like an eagle slamming into a window. One that's a yard thick. Made of Frost Diamond. At Mach Four. With her as the metaphorical eagle.'"

Twilight and Setton blanched at this. Frost Diamond was supposed to be the densest material known to Equestria, one that was as insanely rare as it was durable. Whoever could take a hit like that substance would leave the bones of their attacker in powder.

Of course, Lee had no way of knowing that data – that was A-class brony trivia from one of the more obscure fanfictions, which was far out of his realm of expertise – but he guessed enough from their reactions to shudder. “Any chance you could say the name of this group...” Lee started, but stopped as he considered something. His hand brushed his satchel, thinking about its contents. “...or will saying its Name tell them where we are?”

Silas opened his mouth to answer, but a loud thumping interrupted his train of thought. As he turned to see what made the noise, Lee noticed that they were in some kind of subterranean tunnel system. He briefly wondered how the hell they got here without anyone noticing the change in scenery, but that line of thought was dashed as he saw a shadow approaching from the way they had came.

Silas mused on this, fascinated by this development. "Well that's strange. Here I thought only you and I could find this place on our own."

Lee glanced at the wall as he processed this, and he could have sworn he saw some kind of bone disappear.

Despite the acoustics of the tunnel, Setton didn't hear what Silias had said. Rather, he was only able to hear the rhythmic thumping. "What the hell is that?" Setton practically spat out.

The only response given was Silias retreating further into the depths, hand on his chin in thought but otherwise undaunted.

Twilight blinked. “I don't think he's worried about it, whatever it is.”

Lee put a hand on Setton’s shoulder inn an attempt to reassure his friend. Setton still looked worried about the thumping but regardless, they followed him briskly down the tunnels, turning several ways before they saw the walls opening. A light could be seen as they rapidly approached the aperture, one that was strangely inviting and foreboding at the same time.

Lee, however, noticed something odd about the thumping - it was surprisingly rhythmic, and as the sound grew closer, he could discern what sounded like dubstep coming from the catacomb walls.

Stopping abruptly, he realized that the thumping WAS in fact dubstep, and turned around to face it.

Setton and Twilight continued to move forwards, oblivious to Lee's pause, and disappeared into the light.

Back in the corridor, the creature stepped into the Silvertongue's view. Lee saw it was rather small given its auditory output, as it only was level with his waist. It looked like a boombox on legs, and Lee recognized its species in a heartbeat. While he wasn't used to seeing such a thing in the flesh, it brought a massive grin to his face.

“Aren't you the cutest little Legstep!" As the oddly adorable creature caught up with him, Lee patted it affectionately. "Would you like to come with me?" he asked in the tone one usually reserved for dogs and babies.

The Legstep let out some short, upbeat wubs.

“I'll take that as a yes.”

With the bizarre creature in tow, he leisurely followed the path out into the light. “How would you like the name ‘Bass’?” he asked.
It let out a few more pleased sounding wubs, and Lee's grin gained an inch.

“Well Bass, let's see where we're headed.”

They emerged in a massive library, and as Lee looked for the others, he noticed something strange about the shelves. The sections were labeled "American People,” "British People,” and so on ad infinitum into the vastness. Looking down, Lee noted that books were set into the floor, countless hundreds of them paving the library's halls as far as the eye could see.

Lee let out a low whistle. “I'll be damned...”

He made note of a little 'Welcome' mat by the entrance, and Lee wiped his shoes off, not wanting to dirty up any of the spines of the books below him.

After a moment's searching, Lee slipped into the sub-section "Born in Maryland,” and went deeper into the shelves marked with 1990's birth dates. After a few minutes of searching, he found a book with his name on both cover and spine.

Upon opening said tome, he found that pages seemed stuck together - this oddity covered a year-long gap between his eigtheenth birthday and the present. That didn’t seem quite right, but Lee was more interested in how, hilariously enough, he found himself experiencing a variation of his favorite scene from Spaceballs, as he was reading exactly what he was thinking in real time.

'So the Peisistratos is real.' Lee paused. 'So does that make Silias...'

Shaking his head, he tried to unstick another set of clumped pages when a note fell from the page prior. Before he read the note, he took interest what he was thinking on the page in question.

The page in question mentioned part of an Alternate Universe based on the Rapture Logs, a work of fiction known as "The Knight's Legacy.” Looking carefully, it seemed Lee had started writing this one himself just prior to the memory gap. The page abruptly ended with Lee choosing the name of his protagonist, which was accompanied by a chillingly familiar sketch.

It was Silias, standing defiantly against four Rakes, brandishing a sickle in either hand.

Lee had time to think the words, 'no wonder he looked familiar,' before shit got real.

The pages abruptly began flying in his hands, turning themselves as if there was a gale force wind about. Over six months worth of memories began to flood back into Lee, racing through his head with alarming clarity.

Lee collapsed to his knees, clutching his head with his free hand. The young man was dimly aware of Bass, who was emitting some concerned sounding wubs over his shoulder.

As the last of the forgotten memories returned to their rightful place, Lee's head started throbbing more and more slowly. After what felt like an eternity, Lee rose to his feet.

“...well that explains a lot,” he murmured to himself, and opened his Book of Memories once more. Flipping through it, the pages flowed until the point he reached the end of the restored memories.

Confused, he looked in the book to find that there was a larger chunk of pages stuck together at that point. However, these stayed firmly stuck, despite any efforts to undo the bond.

He wondered about this as he closed his own Book of Memories, and his hand went once again to the pocket watch in his pocket.

Almost unconsciously, Lee placed his Book in his satchel, and went off to find the others.

Author's Note

After an embarrassingly long time, I realized that I had made some continuity errors here in regards to the Rapture Logs. Whoops. The correct duelist and duel number have been swapped in, and some well needed clarity edits have been made.

Chapter 3 - The Beast Below (Director's Cut)

After convincing Setton and Twilight that the Legstep was harmless, Lee paused. He looked around curiously, and frowned. "Hey, Silias. What happened to Biblio?" he asked.

Silias had removed his sunglasses moments before to reveal a pair of gray-irised eyes, which currently were widened in surprise. Lee's question was answered for him when the bone spider emerged from Silias' jacket.

Setton jumped back, startled by the sight of the ivory arachnid. "What the hell is that?!"

Silias and the bone spider were visibly offended by this outburst. "This beautiful little guy is a bone spider, thank you very much." Petting the creature, he spoke to it. “Biblio's been there for me through everything, come hell or high water.”

The little guy proudly scuttled on Silias' shoulder, but abruptly stopped when it noticed Lee nearby. With no warning, Biblio leaped onto the Silvertongue and, to the surprise of Twilight and Setton, began rubbing himself against Lee's neck. The bone spider even began purring at the contact.

After he stroked Biblio's back - much to the latter's delight - the sound of writing reached Lee's ears. He found this sounded like a quill dancing across parchment. Considering this, he turned to find Twilight writing notes about Biblio, along with a rather accurate sketch.
“Fascinating,” she murmured. “'Seemingly constructed of bone and uncovered sinew, the bone spider shows clear signs of intelligence. The exact amount has yet to be tested by this researcher...”

After a moment of muttering, the unicorn seemed to sense the eyes on her, and she looked up with a gleam in her eyes. “Silias, was it? Would you mind telling me more about these creatures?”

Silias nodded, and Twilight launched into her investigation. “So from what region do 'bone spiders' originate?”

Silias attempted to answer, but the mare kept cutting him off with her over-eager string of questions.

“Are they magical or biological in design?”

“Well, a mixture of both –”

“Are there different sub-species of bone spider?”

“Not that I know of, but –”

“What can a bone spider do?”

Lee cleared his throat much louder than necessary, but this managed to set Twilight's crosshairs on him.

"If I remember correctly, this type of the bone spider naturally resides in the realm of the Blind Man, the Peisistratos, where we are now. Bone spiders can create obfuscations of just about anything. Objects, places, people, and so on."

Setton looked thoughtful for a moment. "So what you're saying is... you can call into reality anything at all so long as you read it, but that little spider can do the same with a bit of weaving?"

Lee waved his hand in a so-so gesture. "Sort of. Silvertongues can pull things from other realities through the use of the written word, and they become 'real' in relation to wherever they've been read to. This is usually due to the use of ‘fiction’ as a foci. The constructs of bone spiders, on the other end, have less substance to them. To oversimplify it, they can create extremely vivid illusions.”

Twilight, for her part, had pulled out several scrolls - where she got them from, Lee had no clue - which hovered around her as she jotted down this information.

In the midst of the barrage of questions that arose, Lee was astonished to find that she wrote almost as fast as he spoke. Lee briefly wondered if she had been tutored by one of Jordan Dooling's cognates or something.

Silias looked at Lee searchingly. There seemed to be a question on his mind that he couldn't put into words. His eyes drifted down to Lee's satchel, and Silias began staring holes into it.

Noting this, Lee took advantage of the mare's preoccupation with changing scrolls to ask Silias a question of his own. "What happened on October 14th, back in 2011?"

He looked at him levelly for a moment. "What do you mean?" he asked, hesitant.

Lee drew out his Book of Memories, eliciting a small gasp from Silias. "There's a massive gap in my Book starting from that day and ending about two months ago." Lee rubbed the back of his head. “I should have expected that sort of thing, as technically I went back in time when I went in, but the fact that there's a gap at all is confusing.”

Twilight snapped up from her scrolls, thrown by the change in topic. “Wait, what book?”

Silias' eyes lit up like it was Christmas. "So...you remember everything else?" he asked, hope dancing in his voice.

Lee smiled. “We’ve been through quite a bit, you and I. Like when we were traveling along that highway in North Dakota, and we came across that three-headed Carbra. You had managed to open up several of its gas tanks during the fight, and did that insane maneuver using that rag and Kain’s shotgun. I still have no idea how you managed to pull it off.”

Setton was, understandably, confused. “What's a Carbra again?”

“Basically a giant cobra made of cars,” Silias said absently, smiling broadly at the memory. He stepped forwards, opened his arms, and gave the Silvertongue a hug. “It's good to have you back, Lee.”

“Wait, you two fought a cobra made of cars?!” Setton asked as his eyes bugged. “When the hell did this happen?”

Silias shifted his head to regard Setton, and waved a hand dismissively. “When Rapture tried to eat the universe, back in 2011. You didn't go through it because you didn't get read into the story with Lee.”

Setton started spluttering like a fish out of water. Shaking, he pointed a finger at Lee. “You mean you knew about your powers this whole time?”

“Don't look at me like that,” Lee said as he stepped out of the hug, raising his arms defensively. “My memories of that time were sealed until about ten minutes ago.”

Lee paused, considering something, and turned to Silias. “By the way, why didn't we meet up sooner? What have you been up to these past few months?”

Silias’s expression clouded. He pulled out the note from earlier, the one he had back in the regular library. “After I woke up in this world, a man in red gave me this, and made me swear not to approach you again until the date on this note. And even then, you had to be with the people specified, and I had to say the highlighted words at least once. I assumed he went through so many hoops because he was from the future – when he thought I couldn’t see him, he left the Peisistratos to go to Tuonela.”

Setton held up both his hands. “Hold on a minute. Isn't that the Finnish word for Hell or something? How does going there make him a time traveler?”

Silias waved his hand. “Well, the mythology says that it's the Land of the Dead, but mythology doesn't get every detail right. Strictly speaking, it's the name of a universe, and time spent there doesn't synch up with time spent in this universe. If you know where to go, and when to go, you can use it to travel through time in relation to this universe.”

He gestured to Twilight and Setton. “And it looks like my time-traveler guess was right.”

Twilight shook her head. “That seems like an overly complicated way to time travel. I mean, why didn't he use the time travel spell to do it?”

Silias stared at Twilight for a moment, seriously conflicted on what he should say in response to that innocent remark.

Meanwhile, Lee was taking a closer look at the stationery. “Mind if I borrow this?” he asked abruptly.

Silias blinked. “Uh...go ahead.”

Lee ran straight back to the shelf where he found his book, and after a quick search he retrieved the note from the ground. Shaking, Lee held the papers up to each other.

The paper was a perfect match.

Lee went back to where he had left the others, holding the notes in one hand. “I remembered that I saw this paper before,” he explained. “It was in the page where I came up with the idea for your story.”

This statement caught Setton’s attention. “Wait, are you telling me that you wrote this guy?”

Lee turned to Setton. “I see it as more of a 'chicken and egg' scenario, but I wrote Silias' story. After I wrote the story, I had accidentally read myself into it, and spent the next five odd months knee deep in the apocalypse. This note,” holding up the bit of paper, “was placed just before the memory gap that occupied that space.”

While Setton gaped at the young man, still trying to come to terms with the fact that Silias was a fictional character, Lee pressed on.
“Whoever gave Silias that note must have left this one in my Book. I'd stake my power on it.”

Twilight looked at the folded paper in Lee's hand. “Have you read that one?”

Lee shook his head, and unfolded the note. After a moment, he looked as though he was about to read it aloud. After a tense moment of silence, Lee thought better of it, handed it to Twilight, and asked her to read it in his place.

Twilight nodded, and recited the following:

Hello, Lee. Considering what you’ve gone through since discovering your talent, it’s amazing you’re still in control of yourself. As I write this, however, that's decidedly not the case. If you were familiar with Stephen R. Donaldson’s 'The Killing Stroke,’ then you’d guess why it has to be this way. There are limits to what I can do, but I can make sure you – and the Totality of Existence – has a fighting chance in the days to come.

My emissary will be leaving this note in my place, as I won't have the strength to do it myself. I am glad that I managed to deliver Silias his note before the end, at the very least.

Focus on your quest, my old friend, and listen to this warning for your own sake. Don’t interfere with the Sirens the second time around.

My song may be ending, but the story will live on. That is what I’m counting on.

Signed,

Henry Parrish

The Red Bard

While Lee and Silias tried to remember if they met a “Red Bard” during their travels, Setton looked as if he had seen a ghost. In a way, you could say that he had, and he just didn’t know until the reference to Donaldson clicked. He just picked one of Donaldson’s collections from a used bookstore the week before, and was all too familiar with what this Red Bard was implying.

What also scared him was the thought that, if this Red Bard really was from the future, then that could mean that he knew that Setton would get the reference. He was jolted from this thinking when he noticed something in the distance, as well as a noticeable change in the air.

Setton interrupted their talking by slamming two books together. All eyes shifted towards him.

Shifting in place for a second, he cleared his throat. "Out of curiosity, but is this place supposed to get this dark?"

Everyone else paused in what they were doing, and they turned to look around them. The shadows had deepened considerably during their exchange, and at this point they realized there had been something standing behind them.

The ground was bright in a circle of the floor some distance away, and to Lee's horror, he recognized the figure standing in its center. Silas was the first to speak up, saying the most eloquent and well-cultured thing possible given the position. "Oh crap," he whispered. “It's The Beast.”

They stood and regarded each other in silence. The Beast, one of the most powerful creatures ever written about, was standing not five yards from the group. Lee had remembered about him from The Rapture Logs, and it was taking all his willpower not to run like hell.

Which was understandable, given what had shaped the eldritch being in front of him: tortured in the Planck level of Xanadu for most of the Logs, during which his agony created a whole fucking pocket dimension, being twice condemned made the slender man into Fear Incarnate.

Though something struck Lee as odd about the former slender man, and upon a closer look realized that his eldritch weapon, a black Guitar Hero controller forged in the deepest level of Xanadu, was radiating power.

His hat of shadow was somehow darker than the blackness surrounding them, and shadows bled from the material as his scarf of blood whipped as if a strong wind was blowing. However, the rest of him looked like hell: his suit was torn in many places, and his mouth was ripped into a ragged, permanent grin.

Trying to stall for time as he processed this, he took a leap of faith. "You are the Beast, I take it?" he inquired as casually as he could manage.

The Beast inclined his head towards him, and after a moment spoke. "That I am. And who are you?" Each word sent chills down Lee's spine, but he held his ground.

His mind continued to race. "I am Lee Richards, a Silvertongue. Behind me are Silas, Setton, Bass the Legstep, and..."

"I’m Twilight Sparkle,” the unicorn interrupted. “Nice to meet you. Pardon my asking, but what are you, exactly?"

Lee’s eye twitched slightly, but no one seemed to notice.

The three men were surprised to see the Fear casually reply, "I was once just a Fear. Someone...close had imprisoned me, during which time the apocalypse began and I gained this form. I became the most Feared creature on the planet after my imprisonment, building an empire of eldritch proportions, and I fought Rapture itself for the sake of my universe."

Going by tone alone, one could imagine the Fear was simply describing what he did on a Tuesday morning.

Confused by this congenial behavior, Lee racked his knowledge of his origin piece until he hit upon a possible explanation. In the Christmas special of The Rapture Logs, it told the tale of The Beast after the apocalypse was stopped. In this epilogue, The Beast was repentant of his crimes against humanity, and wanted to atone any way he could. Specifically, it told of him helping Santa Claus deliver presents to everyone on Earth on Christmas Eve.

Lee wondered if the same Beast was standing before them. It would explain the permanent grin on his face, as well as the testimony The Beast had given to Twilight.

Lee's mind was fully engaged now. That is either really good or really bad: I didn't read him here, that's for certain, but at the same time that means we have no ideas as to what got him here.

Lee decided to bite the bullet. “Out of curiosity, slender man, have you delivered any presents on behalf of Santa Claus?”

The Beast nodded. “Indeed I have.”

Something shattered in Setton's mind as he processed the facts that the slender man was standing in front of him, that Santa Claus was actually real, and the mental image of the former wearing the latter’s jolly regalia and carrying a sack of toys.

The Beast seemed to have questions of his own. "You said that you are a Silvertongue: what does that mean, exactly?"

Honesty was proving to be a great policy, so Lee obliged. "Well, as a Silvertongue, I can alter reality – or at least, what's in it. To my knowledge, I need to have some form of written word in view, as my limits consist of what's on the page. Also, there seems to be a need for balance - for instance, if I was to read someone in or out of a book, someone would from the opposite side would be dragged through."

Lee was about to continue when his own words sank in. If he read Twilight Sparkle out of her story...

...did someone go in?

The Beast seemed interested. “You’re saying that you read this one into existence?” He poked the unicorn gingerly, as if expecting her to fall apart at his touch. Twilight shivered involuntarily at the contact. “So it’s not a mere obfuscation?”

Lee shook his head. “As far as I know, flesh and blood.”

“Fascinating.”

Twilight looked at Lee curiously. "Wait a minute - if your magic works that way, why haven't you sent me back already?”

Lee rubbed his hand behind his head sheepishly. "Your story doesn't have a passage that could guarantee your return home. Even in Alfonz's case, it never mentioned his actual arrival past him frolicking in the countryside near the town limits, so I couldn't base anything off of that," Lee said as he shook his head.

The Beast turned to regard Lee before speaking. “So where are we? I know we’re in what looks like the Peisistratos, but where is it located now?”

“To my understanding, the real world.”

The Beast scoffed. “I once thought that too, but the bicycle told me otherwise.”

Lee crossed his arms, searching his mind for that character. “You mean the Catechist?”

“If you are referring to Ten Speed, you are correct.”

“Right. He told you that you were a character in a story,” Lee said as he tilted his head. “Speaking of which, you do know that the writer of your story exists in this world, right?”

“Who is he, anyway? That’s the only thing he refused to tell me.”

“Jordan Dooling.”

The Beast processed this. “…The X created me?”

“Yep.”

Silence.

“…I did not see that coming.”

Setton, meanwhile, had his mind elsewhere. "Hey, Silias – even though my mind's been throwing up a bunch of error messages, I thought I heard you say this place is linked to every library in existence. Did I hear that right?"

Twilight scoffed. “I still think that's impossible – even if this place was built by somepony as strong as the Princesses, there's no way it could link to all libraries in existence. And even if it was, this place would have to be infinitely large to support those kinds of dimensional links.”

The Beast, Lee, and Silias took a moment of silence.

The Beast glanced at Silias. “...you haven't told her?”

Silias turned to The Beast with a grimace. “I'll get to that later.”

Silias turned back to the group as a whole, and took a deep breath. “Yes, yes it is. Considering that Lee can't do much for the situation, using the Doors would be the best bet at this time. It may take a while, but we'd get there eventually.”

Lee looked at Twilight, who was still in disbelief. "It's a pretty solid plan for getting you home, all things considered,” he assured her.

Then Lee turned to The Beast. “So what about you? Would you mind helping us look around for a Door to her world?"

The Beast shrugged. "I have no better plans," he admitted. However, he did make a mental note to visit the Jordan Dooling of Lee's universe.

Somewhere, a young man playing Guitar Hero shivered, drawing his purple scarf tightly around his neck.

The plan was simple: split up and look for a path to a cartoon-colorful world, then if the inhabitants looked like Twilight, take notes on where it was in the Peisistratos and what was going on inside. After searching around four Doors each, they would return to the 'Icelandic Peoples' section to regroup.

Satisfied, Lee and Silias went in one direction with The Beast, leaving Twilight with Setton and Bass.

Chapter 4 - Baking Bads (Director's Cut)

Author's Note

This chapter is the first reason why the gore tag was added. You have been warned.

Director's Cut notes: Amp-ed up the gore factor, sorry if that offends you. Also, I did away with the cliched 'hero who finds harming a sentient creature [in those exact flipping words] absolutely the worst possible thing' ironic gag, because while that was originally made to highlight how ludicrous it is in certain genres of HiE *coughcoughDisplacedcoughcough* I would rather take that moment to build upon Lee's character in an unironic fashion.

Chapter 4 - Baking Bads (Director's Cut)

"This looks like this opens up to some kind of factory; different from the one I remember, but only because it appears to be in service...and, admittedly, far less Spidertanks. Those - what are they again, ponies? - they're saying something about rainbows."

Silias backpedaled and saw Lee and The Beast, the latter with his inside a Door, intently studying the activity on the other side. He seemed to be reporting what he saw to Lee, who was taking notes on a long Post-It.

"They have a smaller one held over some sort of machinery. Hold on...they're saying about its workings. 'We find the machine works better if the ribs are broken?' What kind of -" Abrupt sounds of snapping, followed by agonized screaming, erupted from within. The sounds of whirring machinery swallowing up its source led to utter silence.

As if silently saying "nope" to the prospect of ever entering, both man and Beast shut the Door. "...for her sake, don't let the the purple one look in there," The Beast said, before walking away to find another Door.

Lee didn't bother commenting further, but put a Post-It to the Door that was now titled "Rainbow Factory," above the notes he had already written. Silias didn't press for further explanation.

The next Door was more promising. After seeing no one inside, Lee convinced Silias and the Beast to keep the Door open while he did recon.

Slipping on the Ring, he entered into a curious room with a basic palette comparable to the first; only this one seemed more natural. More inviting and...homely.

Looking around, Lee found himself to be in Twilight's library. His heart soared as it took in the wonder, marveling at the sight. He smiled as he filed this moment away in his memory. Not every day you see a place like this, he mused, especially since this is made out of a living tree. Lee frowned a bit. Unless of course you're one of those Keebler elves. Note to self: learn if Twilight has any skill baking cookies.

He was startled to hear whispers all around him. Looking around curiously, he saw no one around him. Lee was even more shocked to find some of the voices were coming from his own satchel. Opening it, the books he packed sat patiently, but now he could make out what the whispers were saying. They were speaking to him, spouting verses from the pages in the room, beseeching him to bring them to life.

It was coming back to Lee now: yes, he had heard these voices before, but not the ones of this library. Re-reading his Book reawakened the memories of hundreds of voices, of hundreds upon thousands of stories of every kind...though considering he had spent a good deal of time in the Peisistratos, this was hardly an accomplishment to have heard so many speaking to him.

Now ignoring them to the point where they were silent, that was a feat. Looking back, Lee wondered why he hadn't heard those voices since he had arrived back home.

...perhaps it was best to ponder that alarming line of thought later.

Exiting the library slowly, Lee took a good look at his surroundings. It definitely looks like Equestria, but is it the right one? At any rate, I haven't seen anyone, so it's entirely up in the air.

Heading into Ponyville, where the streets were strangely devoid of ponies, he spotted an iconic multicolor contrail touch down by the nearby bakery. Adjusting his speed, he managed to slip in after the contrail’s creator and entered Sugarcube Corner without a sound. Looking around, he didn't see anyone else but Rainbow Dash (for who else could have made that contrail) and Pinkie Pie in the usually busy bakery. Where the hell is everyone? Lee thought.

His stomach grumbled, at which point Lee dropped this previous line of thought to remember he hadn't eaten for hours. While the only two ponies he had seen so far were talking, Lee took advantage of their preoccupation (and the One Ring on his finger) to slip into the kitchen unnoticed. After briefly looking around, he snagged himself a cupcake. For some reason, the first thing Lee thought of after seeing Pinkie was freshly prepared cupcakes. He wasn't sure why, though. This uncertainty in his memory almost felt like dark water sloshing about in the cavity of his skull, and thought that perhaps he would think a little clearer after having something in his stomach.

Meanwhile, the bubbly pink pony changed the sign on the door to "Closed," and offered the pegasus her own cupcake.

Lee, still in the other room, unknowingly timed his bite to mirror that of the pegasus. Not the worst cupcake he ever had, but there was something a bit off in the texture. Perhaps it would be best if he didn't eat any more, and Lee decided to introduce the half-eaten cupcake to the garbage can. They got along rather nicely, as the garbage can welcomed the cupcake into its maw and the cupcake had no issues with taking the garbage can up on its offer. Lee...wasn't sure where that bit of prose came from, but he wasn't going to stand around thinking of something to replace it.

While entering the first room, Lee briefly considered taking off the Ring and seeing how the mares would react to him - to cut the metaphorical Gregorian Knot of this investigation - when he saw the winged pony collapse.

Lee paused, equally confused and curious as to what was happening here. For a start, the way the pegasus collapsed was as abrupt as it was suspicious, and then there was the matter of Pinkie Pie casually lifting the unconscious pony onto her back as if she was a sack of flour. Lee watched as Pinkie immediately went for a door he had not noticed when he came inside, one that opened to a downwards set of stairs. Wanting to see where this would lead, Lee decided to follow her descent.

The first thing that hit Lee on that walk down was the scent, and it nearly made him trip down the stairs in surprise. He managed to stop himself, but accidentally placed all of his weight on a loose part of the stairs, and the wood let out a deafening groan of protest.

Pinkie stopped for a moment, frowning. Lee didn’t dare move or breathe for a good five seconds. His mind briefly flashed to a memory, one he had recently regained, of a place known as the Sweet Hours. Despite the saccharine name and general appearance of the place, it had taught him a valuable lesson on what happens when you underestimate something based on its appearance.

Upon reflection, the fact that Sugarcube Corner would have looked quite at home in the Sweet Hours should have triggered that train of thought earlier.

When Pinkie shrugged and kept descending, Lee stopped himself from sighing in relief, as this is a classic way people tended to die in horror movies. He then noticed that Pinkie had already made it to the bottom of the stairs, and carefully continued following her.

When his eyes adjusted to the light – which was provided only by a single, shaded bulb swinging from the ceiling – Lee realized that maybe his flashback to his time spent in the Sweet Hours was a bit more prophetic than he would have hoped.

The basement was covered in viscera. Unnaturally bleached bones had been attached together to make a surprisingly beautiful table set, with the backs of the chairs depicting scenes of a curly-haired pony baking, hanging decorations, and eviscerating a gryphon. How long must that have taken to make? Lee wondered, ultimately resisting the temptation to ask how much it would cost for him to leave with the whole set. For a start, where the hell would he put them, back at his apartment?

Looking around the room, he noticed that entrails had been woven into necrotic patterns across the ceiling. Yeesh. That must be a real bitch to maintain, Lee thought. He also noted the balloons made from a pair of lungs and a heart that almost looked like it was beating.
Finally looking directly under the hanging bulb, Lee watched Pinkie Pie finish strapping Rainbow Dash to a table with leather restraints at each corner. While this tableau was disturbing, Lee found himself questioning how the restraints were being tightened at all when the restrainer was only using hooves.

As Pinkie Pie walked back upstairs, Lee’s line of sight finally let him see the mannequin next to the stairs. Walking towards it, Lee noted the patchwork dress hanging off of its frame, along with a pair of mismatched wings attached to the back. Inspecting the patches more closely, Lee finally realized why this all seemed familiar.

He was in the infamous creepypasta, Cupcakes.

Lee then realized that the cupcake he had bitten from upstairs almost certainly contained pony meat. He considered the ethical ramifications of this for a moment. After deep reflection, Lee ultimately put ‘unwittingly eating the remains of a talking pony’ below ‘shoving one of Salmacis’ Camper into the path of the Omen’ on his list of things that would haunt his dreams for the rest of his life.

Turning back to the hapless pony snoring away on the slab, Lee eyed the various scalpels, hammers, all of the irons in the fire (all of them), a pair of hacksaws –

– which a weird name, considering hacksaws don’t hack and all. I mean, they’re saws, not hatchets!

While his train of thought had been interrupted by this discourse, Lee found himself agreeing with the voice he had dubbed his inner smartass. The strange thing was, though he noted that while it wasn’t his own voice, it certainly sounded familiar. Where did he know that voice from?

Placing that mystery on the metaphorical backburner, Lee picked up a hacksaw, having decided to free Rainbow Dash before he left this Equestria. While eating a pony’s remains could hardly be considered his fault, consciously leaving this pegasus to die would weigh much heavier on his conscience.

Lee cut the bottom set of restraints first, taking great care not to catch Rainbow Dash’s flesh with the deceptively sharp teeth. Having done this, Lee realized he should probably make sure Pinkie wasn’t going to walk in and see the floating hacksaw releasing her prospective victim. Lee looked behind him, half expecting Pinkie to be standing right behind him with a Stepford Smile and a knife…

…only to see nothing.

Better not take any chances, Lee thought, and reached into his satchel. Grasping a composition notebook and a pen, Lee opened the former up to a blank page and began to write up a distraction.

As Pinkie Pie began to walk to the basement once more, a strange sound came from behind her. Turning around, she saw…

…five sets of bagpipes were in the middle of hurling themselves through the main floor of Sugarcube Corner while playing a horrifying quintet of “Baby” by Justin Beiber. In addition to the horrendous song choice, it seemed these bagpipes were having incredible issues trying to synchronize their music.

Pinkie Pie, surprised that her Pinkie Sense hadn’t warned her about self-playing bagpipes, wondered where in Tartarus these things had come from.

There was also the assortment of strange words imprinted on their bags that had gotten Pinkie’s interest…

…she quickly decided to ignore those little details for now, and stepped forwards to teach these instruments how to play with themselves.

Fun fact about Silvertongues and their power: when a Silvertongue is reading something out of a page, the thaumaturgic bond between concept and caster can be manipulated through how much effort the Silvertongue places into its description. When something is read out of a page only partway through, whatever comes of it is imperfect to some degree – this can range anywhere from source material on the object’s surface to, let’s say, a dramatic sabotaging of musical quality.

Having remembered this fact among those memories he had recovered, Lee decided to try and weaponize this in a specifically nonlethal manner. While Pinkie attempted to conduct the bagpipes upstairs, Lee finished releasing Rainbow Dash from her restraints. The only downside to this was that she started to fall under her own weight, and when Lee went to catch her he remembered a second too late just how damn heavy ponies were.

Luckily for him, pegasi skeletons were evolutionally designed to emulate those of avian biology as opposed to regular pony biology, so in the end Rainbow Dash weighed roughly as much as a sack of flour. Unluckily, the practically comatose Pegasus pinned him to the ground under her size. Swearing quietly, Lee did his best to get out from under Rainbow without just tossing her off – if she woke up now, it would hardly leave a good first impression.

Lee then dragged Rainbow next to the mannequin – or maybe it's called a ponnequin? I should probably pick up a book on pony semantics at some point in this adventure, Lee thought before refocusing on the task at hand.

Alright, Lee. Considering how strong horse tranquilizers are, and how dense she has to be in order for flight not to be insanely difficult with those tiny wings, Rainbow will probably be out for a while. In other words, I have to physically get her out of the building to somewhere Pinkie won’t be able to follow…

The Peisistratos was the first place that came to mind, considering Lee knew Jack Schist about the layout of Ponyville, and that Lee’s minimal knowledge about Pinkie in particular only told him that apart from baking, parties, and apparently furniture construction, she was capable of serious eldritch schenanigans.

Setting Rainbow in a corner, he racked his brain for ideas. Putting the Ring on her was out of the question, considering it would just leave him visible, and apparently holding her while wearing the Ring did not make her turn invisible either. Perhaps he could get an idea from one of his books?

He pulled out a book from his pack, and was lucky to find it was his paperback copy of Changes by Jim Butcher. Hmm. Maybe I can use one of Dresden’s spells if I read the incantation. Hopefully, assuming that could work, I can use one of his nonlethal ones to buy us a little time. Flipping through it, he slowly realized that the din upstairs had ended.

The sound of hooves slowly clip-clopping down the stairs was a lot more comical than their context, but that didn’t stop Lee from silently flipping the fuck out. God, I hope this works, he prayed, sighting a particular phrase in the book.

When she came into the room proper, she was shocked to find her intended victim gone. Whirling around, her impressively blue eyes fell upon him; book in one hand, her quarry slung limply over his shoulder, Ring in his pocket. Lee wasn’t sure why he took the Ring off (he faintly recalled that other voice suggesting it to him) but the look on her face was absolutely priceless. He couldn't help but quip in that second of uncertainty.

"Surprise!"

Lee raised his free hand, shouting "Forzare!" A blast of raw force slammed into Pinkie Pie, throwing her into her grisly decorations with a sickening squelch. Lee winced. It worked all right, but he felt guilty over hitting the mare with a magical haymaker like that. For someone who in this timeline was supposed to be a serial killer, she was pretty damn cute…er, in the ‘it’s so fluffy, I could die’ kind of way, naturally.

As he was thinking this, Pinkie continued to reel in the tangled gore, almost bound in the entrail-streamers, when she began biting and tearing the necrotic flesh away to free herself.

Do not pass Go, do not collect 200 dollars, just run for your freaking life, the other voice practically screamed at Lee.

…Lee agreed, and decided to focus on that line of thinking after he absconded the hell out of this universe.

The first issue with his plan, Lee realized, was trying to run up the stairs with so much dead weight on him that he couldn’t lose. Thinking quickly, Lee spotted another spell he could use and shouted it immediately. “Ventas Servitas!”

While Lee technically got them up the stairs quickly, he regretted that decision almost instantly. Considering that the blast of air carried them out through the wall of the building – which he was immensely lucky was only made of wood – this regret was entirely justified.

Picking himself and the still zonked out Rainbow Dash off the ground, Lee poured his strength into running full-tilt towards Golden Oaks Library. As he ran through the streets, however, he was surprised that no ponies had come out to investigate. What, were Rainbow Dash and Pinkie the only two in this universe or something?

Speaking of whom, Lee looked over the shoulder not holding up Rainbow to see the pink devil gaining on him.

"Come back!" she cried, almost innocently in that cheery little voice of hers. "I want to throw you a party, Pinkie Pie style!"

"Thanks but no thanks!" Lee found himself calling over his shoulder. "Maybe when you're not baking with your friends I'll reconsider!"

Lee assumed it was his inner smartass, or whatever the hell that voice belonged to was laughing at this joke, but Lee found that it was Pinkie giggling behind him. And she was way too close for comfort. "Come on, silly-filly – if you stop running, you can help me make cupcakes! I’ll even let you pick the iciiiing~!"

Lee briefly wondered if he had misread the situation before noticing the knife blade poking out ever so slightly out of Pinkie’s hair and reminding himself that this universe was based on the only Creepypasta to gain a “Grimdark as Fuck” rating. Those thoughts of misreading her intentions were stabbed forty-seven times before being left to bleed out in a dark alley.

Throwing dignity out the window, he forced himself to run faster – and blatantly ripping off a technique he had seen in an Outlast Let’s Play series. "YOLOOOOOO!" he cried at the top of his lungs. He proceeded to scat the song “He’s a Pirate” furiously as he doubled his speed, leaping over the ground like a majestic, but still scared shitless gazelle. As the library came ever closer, he considered thanking God for PewDie’s videos…or to make a note to send the Youtuber an Edible Arrangement at some point in the future. It’s the least you do for someone who kinda saved your life by proxy, right?

Then again, it was a little too early to think of such things. His pursuer was still close behind him, and he felt dread grip him like a deranged gorilla on a barrel of steroids. He pushed his body to the limits as he blazed towards the Library's door.

I have never been happier to see you, Lee thought as his hand flew to the woodwork. And I have never been happier that the door to a library was left wide open, he added as an afterthought, sure that he had closed it on his way out many paragraphs ago.

Charging inside, Lee found the Door and dove headfirst inside. The Beast turned just in time to sidestep Lee, who crashed into Silias with the grace of a flying brick.

"Dare I ask?" Silias quipped after shoving Lee off of him. Silias then noticed Rainbow, who was slowly getting to her senses. "Wasn't the point of this venture to bring someone back where they belong, and not to collect random ponies along the way like a weird game of Pokemon?"

Lee quickly closed the Door and tried securing it, which is a lot easier said than done considering it had manifested in a freestanding frame.
"Okay, what the hell happened?" Silias asked, getting much more concerned. “And why did you think the only thing you could do was to drag this pony here?”

Lee quit trying to bar the Door and gave him a tired look. "Ever read a story called Cupcakes?”

Silias frowned. “Can’t say that I have. Why?”

“Okay, the CliffNotes version is this: it’s an infamous MLP fanfic-slash-creepypasta where a potential reality-warper turned serial killer uses remains of her victims to create cupcakes,” Lee said bluntly.

Silias blinked several times at this. “And this story actually exists?”

Lee pinched the bridge of his nose. “For a guy whose domain is literally filled with every shred of written language AND memory in existence, one would think you should have already known that,” Lee said, sighing. “Especially considering I just came through the door with that pink pony’s latest potential victim.”

By this point, Rainbow Dash had come to, and was listening to this conversation quite intently and uncharacteristically silent. The Beast was the only other person who noticed this all as it happened, except for a semi-omniscient observer reading this on a web browser. The Beast, rightly believing she had heard enough, tapped the other two on the shoulders. Lee and Silias looked up at the Beast, confused expressions on their faces. The Beast then gestured to Rainbow Dash, and both boys noticed her disbelieving gaze boring straight into them.

If silence had levels like Xanadu, the four of them would be neck deep in the Planck. This, inevitably, was broken by Rainbow Dash furiously tackling Lee, shouting at him to explain himself.

And so he did.

She first thought it was some sort of prank, claimed that it was a fake, staged as a cruel joke...but Lee stood there wordlessly, not wanting to meet her gaze. He had given her his Book of Memories, after demonstrating the authenticity of the information within three times over. As his silence spoke volumes, and the volume spoke for him, the truth was made painfully clear.

She slowly sank to the ground. "Why would she want to do this?" she asked softly. "I thought we were friends..."

Lee sighed. "Sadly, I don't know the answer to that. Even in the story, her reasons are never truly explained. I...suppose I could always try asking. I mean, there is a chance that she'll decide not to give a straight answer, but -"

Suddenly, the Door with the Post-It reading 'Rainbow Factory' at the top burst open, and a pegasus filly shot out of the opening as if the devil was at her tail.

Chapter 5 - Geared Up (Director's Cut)

Twilight looked at Setton as they made their way to their second Door. "So you’re saying ponies are just stories in your world?” she asked. “No unicorns, no pegasi, none exist on ‘Earth’ whatsoever.”

“As far as I know,” the boy replied. “I mean, I’ve never seen one in person before, so…”

Twilight paused for a beat. “That means I’m your first,” she stated with a sly smile, one that said she fully aware of the double entendre.

Setton nearly tripped over some of the books in the floor the second that processed. Bass caught Setton before he fell all the way, bending his legs in a way that defied anatomical description in order to stop the fall with its body before it somehow returned Setton to a standing position.

Setton resisted the urge to shiver. He wasn’t sure which was worse, that he was practically alone with a mare on a hair-trigger between immensely curious and fatally nymphomaniacal, or that he was surrounded by crazy eldritch…stuff. It struck him odd that Lee had no issues at all with strolling around in a ludicrously stocked library, petting spiders made of bone and muscle, trusting the motherfucking slender man enough to walk around with him, not to mention a living boombox on black, spindly legs.

Then again, Lee had always wondered what Setton saw in the Twilight saga, so...

Looking down, Setton noticed that Twilight had saw him falling as well, and had thrown herself face-up right underneath where he would have landed if Bass hadn’t caught him.

“Dot dot dot,” Setton said, but didn’t say, as if he was filling a speech bubble in some improbable comic-book adaptation of this scene.

“Dot dot dot,” Twilight responded in kind.

“Dot dot dot,” Setton responded in kind to her response in kind. He then leaned down to help Twilight to her hooves, as the “dot dot dot” joke would not further this story along in any constructive way if it went on for much longer. Twilight lunged upwards, hoping to steal a kiss, but accidentally made Setton panic and grab her sides instead of her hoof when he tried to pull her up. This then led to a comical display in which the mare was flipped over Setton’s head, the boy lost his balance, and they both fell over backwards.

As a result, Setton learned firsthand how a pony belly felt lying on a human face. Before Twilight could capitalize on this vulnerable moment, Bass calmly picked her up and placed her back on the ground in a standing position. Then he hauled Setton back up and began dusting them both off.

Setton, for one, wondered how Bass did this without arms. He didn’t ask this directly, partly due to the fact that he probably wouldn’t have understood Bass even if he did work up the courage to do so. “Y’ know, for what Lee claims to be a baby Legstep, you’re acting really…” Setton searched for the right words, drawing a blank. “Unbabylike,” he finished lamely.

Bass let out a few innocent sounding wubs as the arms decided to vanish into smoke. The Legstep then paused, turned on its heel towards one of the shelves, walked towards a seemingly random spot, and started letting out a few urgent sounding beats.

Setton briefly exchanged a glance with Twilight before walking over to the Legstep. “What is it, Bass?” he asked.

Just when Twilight walked over to the two, Legstep pulled its right leg back and violently kicked the shelf.

Suddenly, a Door appeared.

Then Bass opened it and went inside.

Both Twilight and Setton wondered how the hell that could have happened when the doorknob didn’t even move, but stopped worrying about that little detail the second they followed Bass in.

They found themselves at a loss for words. Try to picture a soap bubble with the light shining on its surface, with the random swirls of colors ever shifting and changing. Now scrap that, because this looked nothing like it.

It was simply a realm of pure chaos. While it was seemingly devoid of life, it did have a bookcase with numerous tomes stacked on the shelves. Bass was going through some records that had been shelved along with the books, and pulled out one with a strange Scratch gouged into it. It deposited the vinyl…somewhere…while Setton racked his brain as to how any of that was supposed to work.

Taking a look at the books on the shelves, he noticed there was a bit of paper that stuck out from between two hardbound titles, which Setton gingerly removed. It was a letter, but Setton's eyes went to the size of dinner plates when he saw whom it was addressed to. Reading silently to himself, it dawned on him what story they had tumbled into.

Replacing the tear-stained letter with care, he turned to tell Twilight to get back to the Door. However, she pieced together who lived here, standing stock still in the middle of the loosely defined study.

"This has to be the hoofwork of Discord," she said quietly staring at a mundane, cross-stitched lampshade reading ‘Chaos, Sweet, Chaos.’ "Only…where is he? What has he done to Equestria? Why haven't the Element Bearers from this world stopped him?" she continued, her questions coming in a melting pot of confusion, fear, and something harder to pin down.

Setton knew the answers to all three: Free from his stone prison by this point. Absolutely nothing, to the endless surprise of the Princesses. They can’t because they’re all dead of old age, which is why he was freed in the first place.

He knew from reading Sunny Meadow's final letter that this was they were past the epilogue to Keepers of Discord. He remembered how bittersweet that story had been, kind of like Toy Story 3, but while it would be interesting to chat about that with Twilight, he knew they should leave before Discord returned to his pocket dimension. Lord knows what he would make of Twilight Sparkle, alive and well in his living room. Or study. Or…whatever the hell this ‘room’ was. The point was Setton didn’t want to find out what that reaction would be.

So he said, “No idea, but we should probably leave.” He then strode to the Door, his footfalls making strange noises like ‘BAM,’ ‘MY LEG,’ and cats yowling to the soundtrack of Cats the Musical.

Twilight looked around for a moment, and after seeing no other way out of the realm (or for that matter, much else at all) realized she had little else to do but join him.

But the Legstep wasn't done yet.

It threw itself onto the bookcase several times with sudden vigor, finally dislodging a weathered tome from the shelves where it had been practically cemented in place, then launched the aforementioned tome towards Setton. In a rare feat of skill, he caught the flying book one handedly.

He blankly looked at the book before processing what had just happened. He looked over to the Legstep, which now was pushing him and Twilight through the Door.

While Twilight just went back through with a raised brow, Setton tried to push past Bass, hoping to return the book to the shelf. Instead, this only made the Legstep push harder, forcing Setton out of the realm with ease. The Door then shut behind Bass, only to disappear without a trace.

Setton simply stared at the empty space the Door once stood, at Bass, at the empty space once more, and finally back at Bass. The Legstep shook its head – er, torso? – and stalked up to Setton. Bass then lifted a leg, tapped the book in Setton’s hands, and after several seconds of this finally drew his attention to something sticking out of the pages. Curiously, Setton opened the book to discover a strangely familiar letter resting above the left page and an oddly foreboding chapter entitled ‘Committing Cosmic Regicide for Amateurs’ on the right.
Setton was looking more carefully at the writing on the letter and the paper it was written on when breath caught in his throat: it was the same kind as the other two papers from earlier, the ones that mysterious ‘Red Bard’ had left behind.

Setton Stone, I know what you’re thinking right now, but don’t worry about returning this book to Discord. This was never his to begin with.
The main thing you need to know is that it is vitally important that Lee gets this book, and that he holds onto it no matter what once he has it. I’m sorry I can’t tell you more than that, but I’m running out of time as it is.

I can only add this: When you get the urge, don’t be afraid to sing. Just be afraid when it becomes a duet.

Signed,

The Red Bard

P.S. Beware the Broken Scales with the cracked Crook and Flail. I know that’s a really cryptic phrase, but that’ll make sense in time. Trust me on that.

Setton flipped through the ancient tome only to find he couldn't understand a majority of what was written in it. Half of the pages were written in some kind of scripts he had never seen before, and the other half had its letters shifting around as if the ink composing them was alive. One of the few pages he could comprehend was the page underneath the letter.

What he saw on the page was a picture of an army of light staring down a legion of living shadows. Standing in the middle of what he assumed to be a battlefield was a cockroach with a white robe and a bearded man’s face. That in particular reminded Setton of Jesus, if Jesus was part cockroach, but he wasn’t sure what this ‘Cockroach Jesus’ would be doing with a keyboard in his insect hand. It seemed weirdly familiar, though, like he ought to know what it represented.

He wasn’t sure what to make of the fact that the eyes in the picture seemed to be looking right at him.

After a moment of consideration, he was prepared to dismiss it as being just a weird artifact collected by the god of chaos. But…something set him off about the Bard’s message. It seemed odd to ask him to give Lee this particular book when it was virtually unreadable…except for that chapter on ‘Cosmic Regicide.’ That one was unnervingly clear on the weaknesses of a specific race of beings, but Setton wasn’t going to read that now. That picture on the opposite page would give him chills on its own.

Twilight was starting to get that look in her eyes again, the one Setton was certain would haunt him for days to come. The tension grew as they walked along the shelves, with Setton's discomfort paralleling Twilight's lust. A particular Door, however, abruptly changed this situation. When they went inside that one, they found themselves in a surprisingly mundane library.

Looks like the one in my high school, Setton mused silently. He was about to start reminiscing when something caught his eye, something behind him. Turning abruptly, he saw something that (cliché as it sounds) made his heart skip a beat.

The unicorn librarian had vanished from his sight, but there was a beautiful teenage girl behind him roughly his height, and looked only seventeen by his reckoning. She was wearing a periwinkle polo, a dark violet skirt that came halfway down her thighs, as well as a peculiar look on her face. Good God, this girl's adorable, Setton thought dazedly. I should probably talk to her.

"…uh..." he articulated.

Brilliant job, Shakespeare.

The girl continued to look at him oddly before she started to walk towards him, but to their mutual surprise she ended up tripping on the carpet.

Setton managed to catch her and they froze for a moment, staring into each other’s eyes. He was entranced, but something in his mind raised a few red flags.

His gaze was drawn to the ground behind the girl's head, and noticed a school's logo was emblazoned upon it. Well, it confirmed his theory of a high school library, but he knew that it was familiar. Looking around, he found it odd how deserted it looked, almost like a set without any actors.

He glanced up at the clock ticking away on the wall. Most students would probably be in classes at the time it read, Setton realized, so they were probably alone. Nevertheless, that didn’t’ explain where Twilight went off –

He nearly went into cardiac arrest when he realized the logo said "Canterlot High" in large lettering.

Oh.

Thus, he realized what happened to the unicorn.

Twilight looked at him from his arms, but his anxiety shrank to what one generally feels in the contact of the other sex. He realized that he didn’t care about this revelation so much – to the contrary, he was actually starting to lose himself in the possibilities this presented to him. Setton leaned in, the girl in his arms drawing closer expectantly…

…until at the last second he transitioned into a deep hug. Surprised - and quite disappointed - Twilight returned the gesture.

"...Setton?"

"Yes?"

"Can you be honest with me?”

“Sure.”

“…do guys just…not want to be with me?”

Startled, Setton drew back. "What?"

"Every guy I've seen in the past few days keeps turning me away – even though it’s only been three, that’s still a lot considering nopony in Equestria’s seen a stallion in the last fifteen years,” she said, haltingly. “...I hoped that it was all just playing hard to get, but…now I’m not so sure."

After a moment of silence, Twilight looked at him with tears forming in her eyes. “I’m right, aren’t I?”

Setton grasped for words. He then paused. “Before I answer that, why did you say you’ve only seen three guys recently?”

Twilight blinked. “Well, yes. I’ve only seen you, Lee, and Alfonz.”

Setton frowned. “What about Silias, or…The Beast?” he added after a beat, barely suppressing a shudder.

Twilight looked at him in confusion. “What about them?”

“Aren’t they guys too?” Setton asked.

“They are?” Twilight said. “That’s strange. I couldn’t tell that by their scents…”

Setton could probably guess why The Beast’s scent would confuse her, considering he was an eldritch abomination with a decidedly hipster sense of style, but Silias? Why wouldn’t she recognize Silias as a guy?

“As much as that’s going to an interesting line of investigation…” Twilight said, shaking her head slowly. “…the fact remains that every guy I’ve known about keeps turning me away. All of my friends were able to find stallions, and while they…aren’t around anymore, they still knew what it was like. Their beds were never cold until everypony else’s were. But me? No matter how I’ve asked, or signaled, or anything, I’ve never even been able to…”

She shuddered, burying her head into Setton’s embrace. “…doesn’t…doesn’t anypony get it? I just want to be loved,” she whimpered, slowly soaking his shoulder. “I just want to be loved.”

Except for the muffled sniffles, the library was silent.

“Twilight?” Setton said after a few minutes of just holding her.

“…yeah?”

The boy gently lifted Twilight’s head so she was looking at him…

…and he kissed her.

Twilight clung tightly to Setton, almost viselike in her embrace. This made it a little difficult when Setton tried to get them back to the Peisistratos, since the girl refused to let him go. Eventually, they left the library of Canterlot High, but with Twilight still holding onto him when she transformed back into a mare Setton buckled under her weight like Hillary Clinton before corporate money.

They quickly reached a consensus that she’d let go of him on the condition that he’d stay in her line of sight. There were no objections from Bass, who had gone off somewhere while they were in Canterlot High’s library. After twenty minutes without finding another Door, there was an awkward silence that descended upon the trio.

Bass finally decided to break the silence, which was a miracle in itself in how he allowed it to go on for so long, by playing a familiar beat. Recognizing it after a few seconds of listening, Setton inexplicably found himself singing the lyrics.

“Now a rainbow's tale isn't quite as nice
As the story we knew of sugar and spice
But a rainbow's easy once you get to know it
With the help of the magic of a Pegasus Device.”

Twilight looked at Setton strangely, as the latter found he was swaying to the beat. She began feeling a bit of magic in the air, a peculiar strain that made her pause and start scanning the area.

“Let's delve deeper into rainbow philosophy
Far beyond that of Cloudsdale's mythology
It's easy to misjudge that floating city
With it's alluring decor and social psychology
But with all great things comes a great responsibility
That of Cloudsdale's being weather stability
How, you ask, are they up to the task?
To which the answer is in a simple facility.”

Setton’s voice resonated through the air as he sang with more and more volume, losing himself in the song. Twilight, for her part, noticed there was something off about the voice she was hearing. Not Setton’s, but…more feminine. Why was she hearing two voices? Was it Bass who was doing that?

Wait a minute…she KNEW that voice.

“In the Rainbow Factory, where your fears and horrors come true
In the Rainbow Factory, where not a single soul gets through
In the Rainbow Factory, where your fears and horrors come true.”

Setton danced in a smooth yet somehow jerky form through the instrumental, like a marionette along its strings. There was something terrifying to that dance, a sense of madness to that music even as it began grinding to a halt. Ready for the final verse, his voice permeated the space around them with an odd power behind it.

“In the Rainbow Factory, where your fears and horrors come true
In the Rainbow Factory, where not a single soul gets through
In the Rainbow Factory, where your fears and horrors come true
In the Rainbow Factory, where not a single soul gets through.”

The music stopped entirely, and Setton was about to ask Bass where he learned that song when the Red Bard’s words came back to him.

I can only add this: When you get the urge, don’t be afraid to sing. Just be afraid when it becomes a duet.

The penny dropped. He hadn’t imagined that other voice, had he?

Setton noticed that their surroundings had changed in the time had lost himself in the song. He looked around the metallic corridor and saw a pipe running along the ceiling labeled with a word, a single word that brought chills to Setton’s spine.

“SPECTRA”

Oh shit.

Setton started looking around in a terrible sense of panic, thinking he was alone in this madhouse. He relaxed when he saw that, relatively speaking, Twilight and Bass hadn’t moved. He was comforted immensely by the fact of their presence, but t the same time was absolutely horrified that they had been dragged there too.

Don’t panic, he thought desperately. Just stay calm, and try to figure out what happened. You were walking along, there were no Doors in sight, and Bass suddenly broke into a rendition of Rainbow Factory. You sing along, do a little dance, and friggity bobbity boo, you end up in the actual factory. Unless I’m missing something, one of those actions led here.

A strange feeling came over Setton’s back, but it wasn’t apprehension. It was actually the scuttling of a small ivory arachnid, on its way up his spine to poke from his jacket’s collar. It looked at its surroundings disinterestedly, and proceeded to fall asleep on Setton’s shoulder.

…how long has Biblio been in my jacket? he wondered dazedly. And why does my back feel strange? He paused, regarding the bone spider and his change in location. It seemed strange, but was there a connection between his presence and their arrival?

Screaming interrupted his train of thought.

“What was that?”

He had a sneaking suspicion what it was, but wanted to make absolutely sure. He tore down the hall towards the source and saw a large double door. Slowing down, he quietly inched it open. It opened up into a large room with a strange device that drew his attention. He was just in time to witness the screamer, a small pegasus – or what was left of one – dropping into its aperture. He watched in horror as it ate him alive, leaving its hoof sticking out in a feeble attempt to be free as it was swallowed.

Setton barely registered Twilight poking her head into the opening below him as he stood in shocked silence. He did make note of a Door above the small crowd slamming shut, but no one else paid it any mind, favoring to watch the grisly machine producing Spectra by the filly-load. His vision turned red as he watched one pegasus laugh her ass off at the sight. He briefly wondered whether it was the reactions of the fillies on the gangplank or the actual act of feeding the filly to the machine that did it.

Twilight, though she dared not speak for several reasons, thought that laugh was really familiar.

He saw an orange filly collapse in shock, and a yellow/green filly trying to get her to her hooves. Suited pegasi moved in with wicked looking devices, advancing on the terrified fillies slowly and deliberately. Setton’s horror was replaced with rage, and he reached into his backpack. His fingers grasped for two things, which he had just decided to put to very good use. A wrench appeared as he drew his hand out, as well as a cloak that Twilight recognized from earlier. The former he had swiped from Lee’s toolbox before they left his apartment – you never know what you might need a wrench for – and the latter was about to come in very handy.

“Don’t follow me,” he managed to say, before drawing the cloak over him and disappeared. A half second later, the door inched out ever so lightly as the furious man made his way into the room.

Twilight, standing stock still in shock, simply watched as the pegasus foals suddenly took to the air, diving straight towards their aggressors. In the confusion, one could miss several pegasi being knocked down by a blur of metal from empty air. Two fillies went up to the scaffolding above, and went to work on a sealed door nearby. A cry of utter fury rang out, but Twilight was startled to realize that it was a female voice from the other end of the room. Her eyes looked over to see violet eyes projecting her unbridled rage from under a familiar, multicolored mane. Merciful Celestia, she recognized that mare.

What in the unholy realm of Tartarus is Rainbow Dash doing here?

However, she was not given proper time to process this, as the other fillies landed on the scaffolding, in an attempt to keep their assailants at bay while another two fillies worked frantically on the door. She felt there was something familiar about the orange pegasus, like remembering a far-off dream, but she couldn’t recall the name.

She was about to charge in herself when Bass pushed past. Oddly enough, it seemed to have been waiting for something. It didn’t flinch when a furious suited pegasus saw it and lunged with its taser, but Twilight watched in horror as the Legstep abruptly caught fire.

The suited pegasus finally seemed to register that this wasn’t an escaping foal when he lifted his goggles, staring dumbstruck at the flaming thing in front of him. He was promptly knocked back by a fireball to the chest, since pyromancy was yet another thing Bass could do for some reason. The pegasus tumbled to the floor like a ragdoll, still alive thanks to the protection of his uniform.

Twilight stared at Bass, who was nodding at her with a tranquil air completely out of synch with the fact that he was still on FIRE. Bass then charged deeper into the room, tossing fireballs from his speakers and unleashing merry hell on the pegasi inside.

She thought of charging in once more, spells blazing and all, but after considering the number of pegasi she realized that would be a horrible plan. This may have had something to do with how she just witnessed one take a fireball the size of a hoofball at point-blank range (to the head, no less) and only black out from the impact.

She considered bluffing her way into stopping this madness – she WAS Celestia’s personal student after all, and she could easily claim she’d tell the Princess all about what she had seen. The issue with that plan, sadly, was that she had absolutely no idea what kind of state Equestria had to be in to let this injustice stand. A part of her was terrified to find out, actually.

Hearing a loud bang, her head snapped to look at the scene on the scaffolding, watching in shock as the invisibility cloak was knocked from Setton’s frame, exposing him to the angry pegasi. He charged them in an attempt to protect the fillies, but without the cloak he was just a man with a wrench. Rainbow Dash took him down personally, launching him directly into the Spectra machine. He punched through the piping at its bottom as if it was made of tissue paper.

She turned her attention to the cornered foals in paralyzed horror as Rainbow began reducing children to mere stains on her coat, plowing through them in a display of unfettered bloodlust.

Inside the piping of the machine, Setton was drifting in what he now knew was the liquid remains of countless pegasi. Pain radiated from a number of excruciating injuries as he struggled to hold his breath. Flail chest, failing lungs, a broken arm, and an outright shredded back, his nerve clusters informed him, keeping him painfully updated at his body’s grim condition.

A motion in the colorful fluid drew his eye. He registered Biblio easily in the Spectra, as he was the closest thing to white that he could see. It seemed to be looking over his body with interest, and it skittered over to him. He wondered how the bone spider could pull this off in the magical fluid, but this quickly gave way to figuring out what the eldritch arachnid was doing. It seemed to be darting around him at impossible speeds, leaving a trail of brilliant colors that made the Spectra look monochrome in comparison.

He briefly tried to panic when he realized his limbs were drawing tighter and tighter to him as Biblio worked. He’s wrapping me in some kind of cocoon, he realized. As it encompassed his hapless figure, he also realized that he was now able to breathe. The eldritch webbings briefly parted to allow Biblio access. Flitting about his protected form, it went to work on his body properly. The spider dove into the gash his ribs had made, and stirred around inside of him, repairing his battered organs and stitching bones and muscles back into place.

Setton could feel every second of it, and it hurt. Something stopped him from crying out (the process felt almost like a night terror, upon reflection), and when he looked down, he saw Biblio emerging from the wound and stitching it up neatly as the bone spider exited.

The pain went away immediately as a new feeling flowed through him. Finished with its task, Biblio opened the cocoon, weaving a ladder back from the hole to the scaffolding outside before settling into Setton’s coat once more.

Setton came from the cocoon feeling incredibly well-rested, light, and much more whole than he had entered. He failed to notice the level of Spectra draining drastically as he exited the machine.

Climbing the webbing with unnatural speed, he leaped over the railing to land squarely on the scaffold. Several pegasi looked at the human in shock, trying to process what they were seeing. To them, a monster formed of Spectra was approaching them, vengeance in its eyes as it stalked forwards, dripping kaleidoscopic fluid wherever it walked. The smart ones got the hell out of there immediately.

Bass, meanwhile, had stood stock still during this entire tableau, caring even less about the fire as its attention was solely on the man above. It began to play some kind of oddly fitting music, speakers turned directly towards Setton as the flames on the Legstep grew higher and higher. Some of the pegasi guards tried to stop Bass from setting anything else on fire, but if anything that seemed to make Bass throw more and more fireballs.

They did notice, oddly enough, that the fireballs were being launched in rhythm with the song even as Bass targeted the pegasi fighting him.

On the monstrous form above, the fluid began to writhe, solidify, and take shape, flowing into scything growths that kept erupting from the liquid skin. The Spectra encapsulating Setton stalked forwards, long-dead faces reflecting ominously in the blades it spawned. Seeing this coupled with the inferno impossibly leaping up the metal walls around them, the guards who hadn’t deserted by now were deserting, flipping the fuck out, doing both of the above, or standing their ground in an impressive display of bravery.

In turn, their cries had rang out somewhere along the lines of: “Help!” “What the fuck is that thing?!” “Demon! We’re all gonna die!” and “Get all security personnel to the Spectra harvester, NOW!”

Some of the ones brave enough to face this horror were casually swiped them from the air, leaving the lucky ones dazed as they crashed into the scaffolding. The unlucky ones were sent to the floor below, a sickening crunch announcing several bones breaking on the impact.

The thing launched itself upwards into a shaft in the ceiling and began clawing up the inner wall to emerge in a corridor; one that looked much like the one Setton had arrived into. Speaking of the boy, he regained enough awareness of what he was doing in time to see Scootaloo barreling down the corridor towards him.

“This way!”

The filly’s eyes widened when she noticed the human poking his head out of the shaft. The Spectra had receded from his face by this point, having sloughed down his form as Setton’s thoughts fell out of synch.

Behind her, Rainbow Dash kept obliterating everything between her and her intended target.

Without slowing down, the filly took a leap of faith and shot into the shaft. Setton pressed himself to the side of the shaft to let her pass, the scything Spectra having anchored him to the wall like a spider. Unfortunately, they had torn through the shaft, their impossible sharpness slowly lowering him down as the metal tore.

Setton paused, and took the time to count the appendages. There were exactly eight of them on his back. The hell? What did Biblio do to him in that machine, turn him into Man-Spider?

Back up in the corridor, Rainbow Dash had got to the vent and began gazing down the shaft with enraged, bloodshot eyes. Suddenly, the anger in her face vanished, only to be replaced by a cruel smirk. She started laughing like the madmare she had become, her chilling cackle echoing down the vent.

“You never did have a good sense of direction, Scootaloo!” she crowed. Then Rainbow stopped laughing as she recognized Setton’s descending form. “How are you still alive?!” she screeched.

The man tore his gaze downwards to glance back at the hole in the machine, and then back to her. “I haven’t the slightest idea,” he said in full honesty. “I’m probably going to be asking myself that for a long time, actually.”

Setton abruptly ran out of ruined shaft, tumbling and flailing through the empty air. As he fell, he saw the Door enter his field of vision, giving him a crazy idea. He reached out for the handle with his hands, not daring to see what would happen if he tried the scything ‘legs’ on his back, and did his best to brace for the inevitable jolt.

The impact nearly tore his arm from its socket, but the Door opened to show the Peisistratos on the other side.

Scootaloo looked at the Door with wide eyes, wondering where in Tartarus it had came from. “Where in Tartarus did that come from? Where does that even lead?”

Setton grunted in effort to keep hold of the physics-defying, old oak Door. “Out,” he managed. “Outoutoutoutoutoutoutoutoutoutoutoutout.”
The filly realized the triple meaning of Setton’s frantic straining, and flew through the Door as if the devil was at her tail. Considering that Rainbow was headed down the shaft and the number of guards in the room had skyrocketed, it was a reasonable reaction.

Setton looked around him before letting go from the Door, dropping down to the catwalk below. His arm really didn’t give him much of a choice in the matter, nor did the dive-bombing form of a really pissed off Rainbow Dash about to plow into him.

Bass responded to the situation by cranking up the volume on that oddly appropriate song he had been playing. Setton felt himself being compelled to move as the Spectra surged around him, but this time it massed around his head in the vague form of an open-faced helm. Allowing his body to follow the music, Setton found the Spectral appendages lance out at the nearest pegasus. Blood flew as it ripped through the unfortunate pegasus’s shoulder, sending it to the ground in a dizzying tailspin.

His cohorts shifted their expressions from violent and stony to piss-less terror as the massive spider danced through air, Spectra, and blood. Rainbow Dash had actually paused at the sight, processing what she was seeing while her guards cried out in agony. She didn’t pause for long, though…

Setton landed nimbly on the catwalk, noting the wide berth the guards were giving him now. He thought about how he was going to get himself, Twilight, and Bass to the Door when he was tackled from the side. Using their momentum, Setton managed to launch the furious form of Rainbow Dash further down the catwalk. The mare wordlessly screamed a challenge to Setton, the former of which was still in a blood rage but a bit more wary than before. The music surged once more from Bass’ speakers as Spectra from the Harvester’s bowels was drawn up and over to Setton. After for a brief second the Spectra reformed itself around the boy’s form, entirely covering Setton’s face again before it decided to grow a maw of its own and scream.

The other pegasi – the reinforcements who had had the sense to hang back – shot down the nearest open corridors in an understandably undignified manner. They didn’t have the compulsion to sacrifice their lives for the sake of innocent foals, so they sure as hell weren’t giving them up to whatever the fuck this horror was.

“Stupid, fucking, cowards!” Rainbow Dash yelled after them.

This did absolutely nothing to change their minds on the matter, leaving her, Setton, Bass, the wounded, the dead, a few crackling flames and several seconds of pregnant silence alone in the room.

Dash turned to Setton, silently weighing the option of trying to kill him over going after Scootaloo. After a moment of reassessing the situation, she retained enough sanity to decide upon the latter path, flying off into the open Door. She had no time to indulge this bullshit while her true prey got away.

Setton, while he had been filled with such fury moments ago, suddenly felt it dripping away from him to leave his head bare once more. The Spectral armor he was ensconced in began to marble in pure yellow and verdant green, pulsing balefully as he knelt down to cradle a lifeless filly in his arms. At least, he cradled the most intact corpse he could find. More than a few pegasi foals had been scattered across the catwalk and the floor below, a mass of blood and bone that was more heartbreaking than horrifying to look at. These had been someone’s babies, and they had left that mortal coil with barely enough intact remains to scoop into a bucket, let alone a casket.

Even with an intact body, Setton realized, finding enough records of these children to deliver them back to their families would be a nightmare. Horridly timed pun aside, Setton took a moment to wallow in this emotional tide, mourning for those slaughtered in this place and even for those he had just struck down himself. He was so wrapped up in this state of grief that he failed to note the irony of the Spectra dripping off of him.

After what felt like hours, he found himself drawing away from the dead filly’s form, laying her down gently as he looked around him. He went over to each of the guards he had fought, and found to his surprise – and horror – that not one of them was dead. Was it a relief to see that he hadn’t murdered them in what was essentially a berserker state? Sure. Were their agonized states any comfort to him? Hell no.

Outside of the rush of…whatever just happened, because Setton didn’t really understand much of what transpired, he finally became aware of a strange feeling in his chest. It was not quite painful, but some vague instinct told him it should be excruciatingly so. He looked down as the Spectra parted from the center of his ribcage, and he nearly fainted from the sight.

Biblio’s legs were sunk halfway into his flesh, spaced evenly between his ribs, and were moving in place with complex but ultimately minute movements. Setton, on a whim, looked behind him. He paid close attention to Biblio as he saw the fluid, scything appendage move in tandem with the bone spider’s leg.

The boy blinked, and his heart began to race alongside his thoughts as the implications revealed themselves to him.

As if noticing his discomfort with the realization that an eldritch spider was knee-deep in his chest, effectively using the connection to puppeteer him into a flat out rampage in the Harvesting Chamber, Biblio calmly removed his legs from inside Setton. The Spectra vanished immediately, flowing back into the boy’s body like water through a sieve.

This draining had incorporated several meanings of the word, and Setton’s body abruptly went from feeling graceful and light to feeling as though they were made of lead. Looking towards the door below him, he used his waning strength to call out drunkenly to the unicorn he had dragged into this mess. “A liddle help’d be ‘preciated, Twily, if ye’d kind-le come’mon up here…thank ye…”

And with that, he slumped over, unconscious.

Chapter 6 - The Pegasus Predicament (DC)

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Chapter 7 - Save the Date [DC]

The first thing Setton saw after he regained most of his wits was a marbling sky of ever shifting, melding, and drifting colors, a majority of which were not conventionally nameable. Briefly wondering if the combined symptoms of a grinding headache and all the muscle response of a lukewarm Klondike bar were signs of a concussion or some kind of hangover, Setton did his best to rise from his prone position on a bed of grass. It took him a few tries, but he finally managed to right himself enough to look around.

Underneath the marbling sky lay a sprawling field, sprouting an array of wild grasses and flora that upon swaying in a westward breeze made Setton grateful that he wasn’t epileptic. Planted in this field was also an incredibly conspicuous cabal of stainless steel filing cabinets, each of their drawers labeled in what looked like his handwriting.

Setton squinted and promptly winced when his head throbbed in response. When the hell did I get here? he wondered. Where even IS here?

There was a movement out of the corner of his vision, and Setton turned around for a better look. Three surprises met his eyes once he did so, the first of which involved the sight of Twilight amongst the filing cabinets. She was reading through one of the nearby cabinets’ contents while speaking to two much less corporeal versions of Lee and The Beast, her back turned to Setton as she did so. The other two surprises were a bit of a package deal, partly because they were a good deal closer to him than Twilight, and also due to how the two ponies standing in front of him were supposed to be dead.

The Beast put a slender hand to his chin. “I would hate to come off as rude, but perhaps I could check on your other guest before taking a seat.”

“Go right ahead,” Pinkie said, “It’s over there, and the door’s unlocked. Watch your head on the steps!”

The Beast tipped his hat to the mare, briefly placed a hand on both Lee’s and Rainbow’s shoulder, and began going down into the basement as casually as an eldritch abomination of his stature could–

“Wait!”

The Beast stuck his head out from behind the basement doorway “What is it?” he asked.

“Dinner will be ready soon.”

There was a pregnant pause in the room, so pregnant that Missus Pause was trying to becalm the fetal quadruplets thrashing in her womb while praying to God that they would be much less rowdy after their delivery.

“…are you telling me this because you would like me to stay down here for the interlude, or simply to inform me of the upper limit of how long I can stay down here?”

Pinkie put a hoof to her chin. “Yes! No! I mean both!” she exclaimed, thrusting a hoof out each time before pausing in confusion. “No, wait, just the first one.”

“Very well then. If you insist.”

As he finished descending, he took a moment to look around the room. Something about the decorating style seemed familiar to him, but that could wait after the more pressing matters, such as the state of the pegasus strapped to the bloodstained table. Electrical burns had spider-webbed across her body, looking for all the world as a shuddering diorama of the nervous system. Vicious stab wounds and lacerations had broken the angry flesh periodically, and evidence of bruising formed at the slow but gradual rate of a storm front.

The pegasus was still breathing, highlighting just how practiced her torturer had become. Upon closer inspection, each push of the blade had deliberately missed severing any veins, major arteries, or the linings of vital organs. The Beast suddenly found himself envisioning a spectre of himself, targeting specific sections that would maximize the agony from each tool while keeping the damage to a minimum, ensuring a long and enjoyable session, fueled by thoughts of revenge and the sadistic euphoria of hearing the screams and pleadings as theCockroach who had caused so much suffering and had destroyed so many SPASM AND WRITHE IN AGON–

The Beast got a hold of himself. While he chased away those specifically unrelated fantasies, there was one point that stuck with him. The conclusion that this was clearly done in a lukewarm rage – cold enough to retain the reason necessary to keep the victim alive in spite of the extensiveness of the injuries, but hot enough to feel vindicated by the suffering inflicted.

He then glanced over at the skeletal framework of the furniture to his left, pondering the craftsmanship. Kneeling down, he inspected the way the bones had been arranged and aligned, running an eldritch finger along the ivory and knotted sinew. He paused. Those particular knots where the stripped and segmented remnants of joints connected the foreign members. It seemed like an eternity had passed since he had last seen this style from astride The Anathema, powerless as a marionette under the reddened skies of Xanadu, and yet in reality it had been far too recent for his liking.

“Could it be…?”

He heard a soft, muffled moan from behind him. Stepping over to the now waking pegasus, The Beast tore the makeshift gag of streamers from her muzzle. Manager Dash coughed several times, focusing through the lingering fog of anesthetics – administered in just the right dosage to reduce the risk of shock but not enough to fully numb her. Her eyes widened when she saw the faceless visage hovering inches from her face. “Wait a second,” she croaked, before hacking her throat clear. “I remember you. You were in that library.”

“I was. But now you are going to tell me what happened since we last met.”

Manager Dash twisted her head round, grimacing in pain as she indicated her restraints and the state of her body. “Take three guesses, you faceless dipshit.”

The Beast calmly stood back. “If you insist on that attitude, I could always leave this room without freeing you.” As if to emphasize this possibility, he turned on his heel and slowly stalked towards the stairway out.

Manager Dash froze, but not as literally as she had in the Peisistratos. “Don’t you fucking leave me here,” she spat, trying to mask her mortal terror with foulmouthed fury and rapidly failing with each deliberate step The Beast took. “No! Wait! I’ll tell you! Just get back here!”

The Beast paused and, after a pregnant moment barrel rolling between hope, despair, and the stomach churning vertigo in between, finally turned around. Manager Dash let out a deep sigh of relief, sagging in her restraints as much as she was able to, as The Beast came back.

“So…are you going to free me or what?”

“Not just yet.” At Manager Dash’s expression, The Beast elaborated, “The downward angles of the stabs prevent the blood from flowing out through them. If you took the standard quadruped stance, the blood would drain out of you like a sieve. You’ll have to be carried out in that orientation.”

“…well, shit.”

“The best way to go about it would be to ‘put you under,’ as the saying goes, to prevent you from thrashing around accidentally.”

“So you’re telling me I should talk first before you spring me,” Manager Dash summed up.

The Beast nodded. “Precisely.”

Manager Dash closed her eyes and sighed. When she opened them, she locked eyes on the location other creatures would have eyes. “Alright. What do you want to know?”

Setton pointed to the brown colt incredulously. “I saw you get thrown into the Spectra harvester. I heard your screams as it took you apart.” His finger shifted to the filly. “And you – actually, I didn’t watch you die, but I kind of knew it was going to happen. How are you here?”

The filly thrust a yellow hoof right back at him. “Well, I watched you get thrown in, and you’re here,” she pointed out. “Why can’t we be here too?”

“But I wasn’t fed through the machine – I punched through the piping just below it,” he countered. “And last time I checked, I was still alive.”

The filly looked as if she was about to argue, but the colt cut her off. “Aurora, please.” The colt turned to him apologetically. “Setton. I get it. Under normal circumstances, we wouldn’t even be here to begin with–”

Setton gawped at him, utterly dumbstruck. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. First off, how the hell do you know my name? Second, where even is this place? And the million dollar – er, bit – question of why you wouldn’t ‘normally’ be here, barring the fact that you are dead, Orion.”

“Oh. Um. I thought you’d recognize this place,” the colt said looking at him for a moment. “Okay, I’ll let you know the answer to those questions. You remember what happened with the Spectra when you punched through the machine?”

“Kind of hard to forget a spider made of bone and sinew stitching my insides back inside me,” Setton said. “Wait, how would you know? You died just before that happened.”

“I’m getting to that. Do you remember what happened when you got out of it?”

Setton stopped. He remembered what he had become when Biblio was sunk into his chest, being covered in a viscous armor of pure emotion, the intense rage and thirst for retribution virtually possessing him as Spectra flowed over him.

Wait a minute…

“Are you saying that…your ghosts were possessing me when that happened?”

Aurora and Orion looked uncomfortable. “We were the freshest,” Aurora explained, “So we kept our minds together. But the others…”

Setton glanced out at the horizon, specifically at all the vaguely foal-shaped figures shuffling about. “Oh,” he said in a very small voice. “Let me, um…let me take a wild guess here. This place is either my Center of the Mind or my soul, and I’ve got a lot of other peoples’ souls rattling around inside of me.”

“As far as we can tell,” Orion said. “Or something like that.”

Aurora glanced at her friend. “It’s the best we could come up with, anyway.”

Setton tried to wrap his head around this all. “So I was fixed up with what was left of you guys…and you’ve been poking around my mind this whole time?”

Orion and Aurora nodded. Setton looked at them blankly, wondering exactly what they had seen. His face promptly fell when he remembered that Twilight had just been sifting through the filing cabinets, the ones he was now reasonably sure contained his memories.

“We saw your stash, by the way. You have some really odd tastes.” Orion paused, raising a hoof. “Granted, it wasn’t nearly as disturbing as the memory of being flayed alive, but...”

Oh noooooooooooo, Setton thought, absolutely mortified.

Those words echoed mightily across the ‘heavens’, much to Setton’s chagrin. Orion looked at him funny. “You do realize we’re in your mind, right?” he deadpanned.

Setton slumped forwards, hanging his head. “Yeah, that kind of sold it for me.” He then realized something was odd. “Wait. Where did Twilight go off to?

“…and that’s how we accidentally dropped a skyscraper on the Harlequin,” Silias concluded. He was laying on his back, periodically shifting his gaze from the nearby Doors, the high bookshelves of the Peisistratos, the unconscious forms of Twilight and Setton, and his similarly positioned listener.

Scootaloo pounded her fore-hooves together, grinning in the wake of Silias’ story. “That’s it,” she decided. “The next chance I get, I’m getting fifty of those ‘Pot Noodles,’ a copy of Death Comes for the Archbishop, and a wristwatch.”

Silias gestured vaguely at the eldritch library around them. “Well, I can certainly help with the second part. Paperback or hardcover?”

“Hardcover.”

A nod. “Good choice.”

“Hey, Silias?”

“Yeah?”

“Lee said this place is your domain, right?”

“Right.”

“What are you?” Scootaloo rolled her head over to the side facing Silias, who had paused. He turned his head to face Scootaloo. “I mean, why would you be ‘virtually untouchable’ here?”

Silias tilted his head to the side and back again in acknowledgement. “Fair question. Well, that’s because I’m the–”

It was at this moment Twilight woke up, practically flinging herself from the floor as she hyperventilated.

“You done with the catapult impression, or should we start aiming you at castles when you fall asleep?” Silias deadpanned.

Scootaloo rolled herself upright, and went over to Twilight. “What’s wrong?”

Twilight tried to control her breathing. “Someone just banished me from Setton’s mind.”

“That’s weird.” Silias frowned. “I’m pretty sure I didn’t do it, and I wouldn’t expect him to know how to do that himself. Did you get a glimpse of what they looked like, or at least what their presence felt like?”

Twilight shook her head. “No, but for some reason the sky was going red.”

Lee Richards wasn't sure what to think anymore. There were too many questions, and nowhere near enough answers for what was happening.

For a start, when The Beast had patted Lee on the shoulder he had slipped a piece of paper into the Silvertongue's shirt collar. While Lee had been able to palm the paper without being noticed...

I hope. Then again, if anyone did notice, they could have just decided to keep quiet. In any case I can't just open it without raising questions, or worse, escalating things. He was reasonably sure that Pinkie could at least guess at what he was capable of, especially since he'd literally demonstrated it to her not too long ago, but Lee couldn't help but wonder why the paper had been given to him in the first place. The Silvertongue figured that it had to be something important, and there was a pretty good chance he was expected to read it aloud at some point, but was driving himself paranoid with the implications.

"I've really been looking forwards to this day," Pinkie giggled to herself, as if she was a schoolgirl on her first date.

Ah, and there was the second thing weighing so heavily on his mind: his hostess. Despite the fact that her invitation clearly implied that Manager Dash had been slated for baking, a process Lee hoped was still very early in the development stages, there hadn't been any objections when The Beast went down to investigate the basement.

His inner ramblings were once again derailed when he registered more giggles coming from the mare. Either he had missed something in his reveries, or she was just giggling for some internal reason. Lee shivered unconsciously. Nothing to worry about, Lee told himself. I mean, isn't her shtick Laughter? The giggling makes total sense. She...she does giggle normally, right? He thought back to when he was fleeing Sugarcube Corner. He was reasonably sure she was giggling then...but, then again, that wasn't going to tell him much about whether or not she was actively preparing to kill him or not.

"Hi there!" Lee flinched. "You look a little tired," Pinkie noted, contemplating his face mere inches from hers. "How about we get seated?"

"Yeah, sure," Rainbow said, shooting Lee a Look.

"Great!" Pinkie beamed, and grabbed ahold of them in what in normal circumstances would be considered a jovial and certainly not terrifying manner. Following the insistent tuggings of Pinkie, Lee was shepherded into the room beyond the doorway.

It was then that he saw the decorations in the kitchen, and felt his stomach fall out like a little boy out of a plane.

Metaphorically speaking, of course, though a part of Lee figured getting disemboweled at that moment instead would have been less traumatizing.

Oh crap, this is going to turn out like that time, isn't it? With considerable effort, Lee fought to keep his face neutral as possible as he pushed his fears down, particularly those involving painted smiles and a discordant hell-noise filtered from behind a face of wood...

Oh sodomize me with an X-plorer, I had forgotten that was her idea of giggling.

"Hey. Hey!" Lee's focus came back to him rapidly with every shake, to the point where he finally took notice of Rainbow Dash raising a hoof to the side. "Snap out of it," she demanded, swinging it towards him in a familiar motion.

Oh crap, she's going to-

Lee recovered his wits a moment too late, as the hoof had came far too close to his cheek to stop her slap. "...ow." Nursing his aching jaw with a hand, he noted he was alone with Rainbow Dash in Sugarcube Corner's bathroom. "Oh. Um. Thanks," he said, grateful that she hadn't broken anything. "I needed that."

Rainbow stared at him with concern in her narrowed eyes. "Seriously, what's up with you? First you start spacing off in the middle of a conversation, then you look like you've seen the horrors of Tartarus when you walk into a room." Rainbow put her fore-hooves on her hips. "What, so a room full of blood and guts doesn't bother you, but you're terrified of smooth jazz and candlelight?"

"Look..." Lee sighed. "Seeing the room set up like that...set off some memories. Traumatizing ones." At Rainbow's incredulous stare, he added, "Really traumatizing ones."

Rainbow raised a brow. "What kind of memories would make those things traumatizing?"

"It's not that those things terrify me on their own, but..." Lee shivered. "It's more like who they reminded me of, specifically. It's a long story."

Rainbow shook her head, placing a hoof on Lee's shoulder. "Look, I don't know who you're so afraid of," she admitted. "But I'm pretty sure they're not going to be anywhere near here. That said, you need to stop losing it. I mean, has anything in here really justified flipping out like that?"

There was an awkward silence as they processed this question.

"...great, now I'm the one acting like an idiot," Rainbow grumbled, her hoof firmly connected to her face.

Lee opened his mouth to speak, but a knock at the door caused him to pause. "Everything okay in there?" Pinkie asked through the wood.

The pegasus and the Silvertongue shared a glance.

"Yeah, everything's fine," Rainbow said, trying not to cringe. "We're just going to wash our...uh." She paused, as if just remembering that Lee had hands. After an awkward beat of trying to figure out how to phrase it, she just went with "...selves before coming out."

"That's fine!" came Pinkie's unexpectedly chipper response. "Come out whenever you're ready." The sound of bouncing followed Pinkie's retreat towards what was presumably the kitchen.

Rainbow turned her head back to Lee. "So are you good now?"

Lee considered it for a moment, then nodded. "I think so." He went over to the sink, fiddling with the soap for a moment before turning on the faucet. "Are you, though?"

Rainbow blinked. "You're forgetting which one of us just spaced out like he was having a Vietneighum flashback."

Lee stared at her for a moment. "...wait, how do you know about Vietnam flashbacks...or Vietnam for that matter?"

Rainbow's brow wrinkled. "Well, I paid attention in history class. But why do you know about that, and what's with that pronunciation?"

Lee tried to parse this information as he washed his hands. "...you know what, while that's going to be an interesting discussion, maybe we can come back to that one later." He reached for a nearby towel, and began drying his hands off. "But I'm talking about..." Lee trailed off, opting to nod in the general direction of the door.

Rainbow caught his drift. "I'm totally fine," she asserted. She hovered over to the sink, firmly grasping the soap in her hooves and working up a solid lather.

"Considering what you nearly experienced, and what your double is probably a good way through, you're acting really calm about this situation," Lee pointed out.

Rainbow paused, letting the water flow over her for a moment. "I...look, Pinkie's been my friend for years. I don't know what's happened to her, but you can bet your tail that I'm going to find out what did this to her."

Lee considered where he would have his tail, if he had one, but decided not to point out this anatomical difference to the mare.

"And besides," she continued. "There's a reason I'm the Element of Loyalty. I don't just give up on my friends."

She dried herself off with an expression so serious that it would have been borderline comical in another context.

The Beast watched the limp pegasus as her chest slowly rose and fell. It had been child’s play to obfuscate a series of hypnotic colors and shapes to lull her to sleep. It was the least he could do for the information he had received. Unfortunately, now that he had exhausted the only other physical companion in the room, he still had time to pass and no one to pass it with. Unless…

Perhaps if I make an innuendo, she will chime in once more…The Beast racked his head for any and all phrases that could be considered ‘dirty.’

The plumbing in this place has seen better days. I would really like someone to help me lay some pipe down here! he called mentally.

No response.

Hmm. I hope Lee is sticking to his schedule – I would not want him to fall behind with his assets.

Still nothing.

…maybe it only works when Lee initiates the connection. After all, he DID call her out from her ‘story’ – perhaps there is some sort of eldritch bond connecting the two.

“Dinner’s ready!” came the voice from upstairs. It was time.

He spared a moment to look at the pegasus. Prior to learning the true nature of this place, there had been a microscopic temptation to leave her here, but given what she had told him that temptation wasn’t even of Planck length. After all, he’d known that there were those whose sentences had been commuted despite committing far worse sins.

Like himself, for instance.

No, not even had the pegasus outperformed his sins twofold would he ever leave her in this prison. And so, as promised, he opened the dozing mare’s restraints, placing her in his branches carefully so as not to disturb her stitches. He wove them into a wicker basket around her, gently cocooning her in an arboreal embrace and slowly slinging the resulting bundle across his back. As he turned to leave the room, he passed by the lyrics written on the wall, his new knowledge leaving him unsurprised by their content.

A thousand years have come and gone, but time has passed me by
Stars stopped in the sky
Frozen in an everlasting dew
Waiting for the world to end, weary of the night
Praying for the light
Prisoner of the lostXanadu

Turning her face to one side, Pinkie leaned her head over the table farther than her neck should have allowed. “Dinner,” she said. Then she audibly winked.

“What is this?”

“It’s not made of ponies, if that’s what you’re wondering,” Pinkie assured.

“That’s not what I meant,” Lee said as he sawed into the meat with his knife, ignoring the look on Rainbow’s face. “Actually, I meant what the occasion was for...” Here he gestured vaguely around the room by spinning the chunk of meat impaled on his fork around before pointing it at Pinkie. “Unless you are in the habit of throwing this type of party every night, that is.”

“I don’t throw these kinds of parties very often. Actually, this is my first.”

Lee was too busy chewing on the meat to respond, but Rainbow was a little too preoccupied to eat. “What, a dinner party? You’re Pinkie Pie! You know, party planner extraordinaire?”

“I’ve never done a corpse party before.”

While The Beast didn’t so much as flinch, her mortal guests couldn’t have frozen faster if they had been dipped in liquid nitrogen.

“Please tell me that was just a Homestuck reference,” Lee murmured. "I wouldn't even care how she'd made it."

“No, that came out a little more ominous than I wanted it to. I don’t own any black clothes, and I didn’t want to break into Carousel Boutique after the last time, so I couldn’t do a funeral,” Pinkie explained. “I mean, I’d have the fun part down, but I’m terrible with fitting in the ‘eral’ part…” She fell silent for a moment, while the anomalous sound of gears turning came from her head. “Oh, I’ve got it! Calling it a wake would work!”

The Beast lamented the fact that he had no brows to raise, as now would have been the perfect opportunity to raise one. “A wake?”

“It’s because…” For the first time that night, Pinkie’s smile truly cracked. “…the nightmare’s finally over,” she said, managing a weak laugh. “Get it?”

Chapter 8 - Lessons Learned, Stories Told

Lee broke down in hysterical laughter as Silias stared at him. Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Are you okay, Lee? You look a little out of it.”

Wiping a tear from his eye, Lee did his best to compose himself. “Why wouldn’t I be fine?”

“You have been in there for six hours.”

Silias turned to The Beast wide-eyed. “Uh, we only waited for six minutes for Lee to come out,” he pointed out.

The Beast casually fanned the air with his hand. “No, time works differently there – a minute here apparently translates to an hour there.”

Silias stared at him for a moment, and then started checking Lee. The latter laughed as was poked and prodded in various places, but he slowly became more serious as this sunk in. “Hang on *ehehehe* was it really that long?”

“So it would seem.”

Lee furrowed his brow in thought. “Maybe I’d better go over what I remember …”

Back in his mindscape, Setton looked around in confusion. "If we're in my mind, then how come I don't know why Dearly Beloved keeps playing in here?"

A chuckle resounded around him. "Sorry - that would be my doing."

He whirled around, trying to locate the source of this statement.

"Over here."

Setton jumped back in surprise as he suddenly found himself face to face with the speaker.

Correction: face to mask with the speaker, as the latter wore a Guy Fawkes mask. He was garbed in an outfit looking fresh out of a renaissance fair, but what caught his eye were the various shades of red.

"My sincerest apologies, friend. I did not mean to startle you," he said smoothly, holding his hands up in a gesture of goodwill.

Setton considered his outfit carefully before he noticed a lute strapped to the man’s back. He had a pretty good idea who he was dealing with. "You're The Red Bard, aren't you?"

The Red Bard bowed. "Indeed I am. A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Setton."

“How are you in my mind?"

The Red Bard straightened up as he responded. "I’d rather prefer it if you figure that out in your own time. But enough puzzling for now; I'd rather spend this time productively, while we still have amble amounts of it."

Setton narrowed his eyes. "And do you intend to do here?"

“I don’t blame you for your wariness, but you need not worry about me. I merely wish to train you."

Twilight’s eyes went wide. “WHAT?!?”

“It wasn’t that bad, honestly, even though it was the strangest date I’d been on.” Lee shrugged. “Unless something important happened in those last few hours.”

Silias grinned widely, the image in his mind causing him to laugh. “You seriously don’t remember what happened after you had dinner. Lee, I will only ask you this once: did you smash, though?”

Twilight looked at him blankly, the significance of his statement making a nice whooshing as it passed over her head.

Lee looked at Silias as if he was insane, but said nothing.

Silias pointed a finger at him accusingly. “Answer the question!”

"I honestly have no idea what happened," he said slowly. Lee shook his head. “But I think she showed me…” Lee’s eyes lost focus for a second “…the things she could do with frosting.” He realized the double entendre and hastily covered his tracks. “Erm, that is to say, her recipes! For buttercream frosting!”

Silias raised an eyebrow. “Who makes buttercream frosting from scratch anymore?”

Lee gave him a glare that said Shut up.

Twilight raised an eyebrow at this display, not sure what to make of it. “Well, that certainly sounds like Pinkie…”

Rainbow Dash (the one not dozing on The Beast’s back) looked at Lee cautiously. “You didn’t eat any cupcakes while you were there, did you?”

Lee was about to respond when a thought hit him.

Nah, I probably just passed out drunk – I doubt Pinkie would have…

He paused, pulled up his shirt, staring at his abdomen carefully. There was something off about the coloration…

“Twilight?”

The mare snapped to attention, tearing her eyes from the Silvertongue’s abs in a panic. “I-I wasn’t staring!”

Silence. The two conscious pegasi looked at her in confusion while Silias did his best to keep a straight face. The Beast simply resisted the urge to facepalm. That was as subtle as a train wreck, he thought silently.

Lee broke the silence. “I was just going to ask you to give them a better look.” Twilight’s ears perked up. “I want you to see if anything’s missing with a spell of yours.” Her ears drooped in disappointment.

Her horn was enveloped in a magenta light as she moved towards him, and an arcane beam slowly scanned his abdominal area. Lee felt something odd, and snapped at her. “Oy! ABOVE the belt!”

“S-sorry!” Celestiadammit! She thought, blushing all the while.

This made it that much harder for Silias, trying his best not to laugh.

She aimed the beam at his exposed midsection and turned the skin transparent, prompting Scootaloo to gag at the sight of his organs.

Silias noticed what was wrong immediately. “Back when we adventured together, didn’t you say you still had your appendix?”

Lee nodded slowly, afraid of where this was going. “That I did…”

“Well, I don’t see it in there, and I’ve seen enough organs to know that it isn’t there.”

The penny dropped. “Son of a bitch, that pink shyster stole my appendix!” Lee cried in shock.

Silias gave the straightest face he could manage. “Hey, she actually did you a favor – at least your word count went down!” He couldn’t take it anymore, and promptly fell over laughing. Twilight also giggled hysterically as she understood the joke, but the meaning sailed spectacularly over Rainbow’s head.

If glares were bullets, every slug in America would have found their mark in Silias.

The Beast turned to Scootaloo, who at to this point was looking at Setton's limp form. “What are you staring at?”

The filly’s eyes shifted back to Setton. “He saved my life back in the Factory.”

Silias sobered up and followed her gaze, considering the passed out man on the ground. “Really? How did that happen?”

Twilight sighed. “I guess it’s my turn to explain…”

Setton looked at him curiously. "Train me in what?"

"Your new abilities, of course. Or did you not remember what happened with the Rainbow Factory?" The Red Bard began to circle him. "Your skill is rather uncommon to say the least: your power resides in music. Your being able to travel to another part of the multiverse in this manner was but a small taste of your potential, Setton."

"And I did that on my own?"

The Red Bard cocked his head and chuckled. "No, that was my doing - I merely gave you a boost with my own power until you could tap freely into your own. Hence why you heard that second voice earlier."

Setton stared at him. "But that was in Rainbow Dash's voice. How did you -?”

"Manage to pull that off?” he finished. “When you have a mastery over sound, a simple voice pattern is child's play."

"How the hell did I get that power?"

"I’ll give you a hint: the foals were onto something when they mentioned the Spectra."

Setton mulled this over. "Because of the Spectra running through my veins, I can manipulate music? Then how come you said you boosted my own power?"

"Spectra is pure magic concentrated from all spectrums, hence the name. Contrary to what the original story of the Factory claims, it exists in ALL living creatures, not just ponies. You already had a higher concentration running through you than most humans, regardless. “Magic” relies on using emotions and life force as a source of power, and that is the main reason why rage and magic are a dangerous combination: Anger makes vital energy violent and unpredictable, let alone the psychological effects on its wielder.”

Setton slowly began to understand. "So the more powerful the emotions, the more powerful my abilities…Then music’s used because it’s the most powerful emotional outlet?"

The Red Bard actually bounced in place, bombastically leveling a finger at Setton as he landed. "Precisely!" A fanfare resounded from nowhere, and confetti rained down on them both.

In the storm of colorful paper, Setton noticed the pegasi were missing. "Where did Aurora and Orion go?"

The Red Bard waved his hand dismissively. "I sent them off for now so I could prevent any damage to them. They’ll be fine, but your friends may be in for a bit of a shock."

“…and then I had to levitate Setton and Bass up to the Door before teleporting out of there. That’s when I caught up with you guys.” Twilight finished.

Rainbow Dash was staring viciously at the ignorant Factory Dash as The Beast’s branches continued to support her. All other eyes were on Setton’s form: Lee and Silias just stared wide-eyed in shock (and a little bit of envy), as The Beast pondered silently to himself, while Scootaloo looked on in a mix of gratitude and sorrow.

They all paused, however, when Bass began pumping out a rendition of Dearly Beloved.

One voice broke the silence. “What’s going on?”

All those conscious didn’t care who said this, because a change came over Setton’s form. Spectra began to flow freely from him, moving and shifting much like a particular model of Terminator until it split into two rivers. Colors swirled brilliantly as the rivers began to solidify, as if being poured into an invisible mold. The music reached a crescendo as the forms finalized and settled.

“That’s…not possible,” Twilight whispered in awe.

The two foals had barely enough time to open their eyes before being tackled by a tearful Scootaloo.

The Red Bard’s tone was level. "I'll be discussing the various elements of your gift, so that you don't have to rely on Biblio and Bass whenever you wish to use it." He drew the lute from his back, holding it in his arms. "I wouldn't want those two foals to get damaged by this session, because you're a beginner with exceptional potential. So I diverted a small dose of your energy into separating your mind from theirs. You and I are the only ones occupying your mind for now, but they’ll return when we are done."

Setton's thoughts drifted to the knowledge of Twilight's magic examination, and shuddered. "Would this training really have been that dangerous to them?"

The Red Bard tuned his lute absently. "These circumstances are…unique. Physical attacks would do nothing to them, but I'll be teaching you a mimetic attack form. In other words, if you lash out with a certain frequency, you might destroy what is left of them. You were wondering why I made Dearly Beloved begin to play, yes? If you recall, you had let Scootaloo out of the Factory around seven minutes ago. Since then, Twilight has taken your physical form out of the Door, where she is now recounting what had happened to you two while you were on your own. Since Orion’s feelings for Scootaloo were strong, I used his feelings for her as the conduit, hence the song choice."

"Now, to begin with, let's talk about a more subtle aspect of being a Bard - controlling the emotions of those you face in combat. Emotions are a powerful motivator, but if you pluck the right strings, you can make or break a combatant."

A Royal Guard appeared in the mindscape, sword drawn in its magic. "Watch how I goad this opponent into attacking by using his emotions against him, and pay close attention."

The Red Bard began to pluck at his lute, and began to sing.

"There once was a maiden from Stoneberry Hollow~"

The Guard looked at him in confusion.

"~She didn't talk much but boy did she swallow~"

A subtle red aura began to manifest around The Red Bard.

"~I have a nice lance which she sat upon~"

A red aura also began to manifest around the guard.

"~The maiden from Stonebury who was also your mom."

The red aura became a blinding crimson as the Guard charged at The Red Bard. The latter sidestepped every one of the guard's attacks, which were clumsy and looked more natural to a brawler than a soldier. The Red Bard placed his lute on his back and drew his own blade. Continuing to avoid the erratic swinging, he swiftly sent the guard flying with a well-placed swing. Turning to Setton, he smiled broadly. "That song is to incite rage in one's opponent, and while it increases their physical strength, their finesse and intelligence goes sailing out the window. As such, you can dispatch what would be a tiresome opponent with ease."

Setton gaped at the display, but his gaze shifted to the blade he wielded. "Is that...a Keyblade?"

The Red Bard looked idly between Setton and his blade. "Yes, yes it is. But that is not important. Now it’s your turn." Another guard appeared in the mindscape, sword at the ready. Setton went wide-eyed. "Wait! I don't have a weapon!"

The Red Bard sighed. "This is your mind: summon whatever weapon you want."

Setton facepalmed. "...I keep forgetting that..." Setton thought for a moment, and had an idea. “Could I use music to create a weapon for myself? One that could work outside of my mind?”

The Red Bard’s tone was unreadable. “Depends on the song you choose.”

A familiar song began to play, and flames erupted around Setton’s hands. Two red and black chakrams materialized, settling effortlessly into his grip. The Red Bard observed this display with amusement. A strange choice, indeed. After all, a weapons master worth his salt knows that chakrams are, by nature, defensive weapons. “Not bad, Setton, not bad. Now weaken his composure with the song!”

Setton heard the track change for a second as The Red Bard’s lute began to play the tune.

"There once was a maiden from Stoneberry Hollow~"

The guard stared at Setton in bewilderment.

"~She didn't talk much but boy did she swallow~"

A subtle red aura began to manifest around Setton. The Red Bard paid close attention to both of them.

"~I have a nice lance which she sat upon~"

A similar red aura also began to manifest around the guard.

"~The maiden from Stonebury who was also your mom."

Just like the last time, the guard charged, blinded by his fury. The 13th Struggle filled the mindscape once more as Setton dodged and parried the guard’s blows.

The guard would go for an over~~hand~~hoofed strike with his blade, and Setton would intercept with a sideways blow that took the blade with it. A thrust would be met with a sidestep and a whirl of steel.

This violent dance went on for about a minute, a whirling hell of nothing but steel. Suddenly, the music intensified, and his chakrams began to blaze. Leaping back, and taking a leap of faith in the process, Setton threw his weapons at the guard.

They shot far to the sides of the guard in wide arcs, not coming close to his figure at all.

Blinking, the guard paused, and then charged at the now weaponless young man. Setton simply let him come, not moving an inch from where he stood.

*SCHING* *SCHURK*

The guard barely had the time to let his eyes widen as the chakrams sped back to their wielder as his body fell into pieces, dissolving into flames before he hit the ‘ground’.

The Red Bard clapped his hands in approval as Setton panted, one hand on his knee, the other supported by a chakram driven into the ground. “I’m impressed with how fast you’re learning. Now, the next lesson, which you are quite proficient in given the circumstances.”

“And…what, pray tell…is that?”

“Musical Drives.”

Setton looked at him with a weary grin. “So what does that do? With this skill?”

The Red Bard looked at him steadily from behind his mask. “That skill was one you performed with the assistance of Biblio – the one where you both manipulated the Spectra like it was an extra set of limbs. In fact, you performed admirably just now when you used Axel’s weaponry as your own. While Musical Drives are an invaluable combat tools, they can also be used to affect others around you in *non*violent ways.”

“Like that one Pokemon short with the rod and the dancing.”

“It can be used to various degrees, but that can be one of its uses. Think of yourself as a walking musical – with enough emotion and passion in your song, others can be compelled to join in, thus adding to its power. However, I think that with your current understanding, you should be able to develop that skill at your own pace.”

“What was the most impressive thing you ever did with that skill?” Setton was curious about what the extent of this could be.

The Red Bard thought for a moment, resting his hand on his chin. “Once, I used my power to obfuscate a 1:1 performance of Les Miserables. Quite a lot of emotions in that piece, though, so I suppose that doesn’t count as my biggest and best work…”

Setton was interested now. “What do you mean by ‘1:1 performance’?”

“Like the version with Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean, but only a hair’s breadth away from tangibility.”

He blanched. “That sounds pretty damn amazing.”

“Thank you. Perhaps you’d like to give it a go one day.”

The Red Bard raised his hand, in which he held a small conducting baton. “You can also gain knowledge of one’s true self through using their own soul to provide music. For instance, finding love in a person’s heart may cause a song like Dearly Beloved to occur. Reach out with your soul and try to look into my own heart. I won’t bite.”

Setton focused on The Red Bard, raising his hands as if conducting a symphony. A short while passed before he heard it. Something began to resound in his mind as The Red Bard’s form began to flicker. He looked around idly as the scene began to change before his eyes. He recognized what it was shaping itself into, and he turned to Setton in alarm. Setton seemed too preoccupied with the music itself to notice the change in scenery.

He’s more powerful than I anticipated if he can tap into my memories so easily –

“Join the light!”

The Red Bard winced behind his mask. A little too good, it seems. He’s even managed to populate the area with those from my memories.

He shattered the stream before Setton dug too deep, and the mindscape quickly returned to its previous state. Setton looked at him curiously. “What was that all about?”

The Red Bard was silent for a moment. “You should note that if you begin to sing, it will have an effect on the world around you. If you sing exclusively of a place, then you are likely to appear there. In your case, you just tapped into my own memories – and we were only kept here because of our noncorporeal condition. Truly I tell you, you don’t want to find yourself there even through the buffer of memories. Nevertheless, such songs usually reflect aspects of those around you, unless it holds significance in a certain way: be careful when you use this.”

"May I ask another question?"

"Go on."

"Stephen R. Donaldson’s The Killing Stroke. Why did you mention it earlier in your note?"

The Red Bard's shoulders sagged as if he had aged with that inquiry. "…I was hoping you wouldn’t ask. Very well, if you really wish to know, I played the role of the Necromancer in that metaphor."

Setton looked at him in shock. "You’re telling me that Lee…"

"Yes. My power was enough to ensure his return with most of him and Silias intact. Their bodies and souls returned fully, but the memories leading up to it were…damaged. Two month’s worth were shattered beyond my skills, but the chain of memories linking the others merely need a trigger."

The Red Bard shook his head. “I apologize, but that is all I will say on the matter.”

There was silence for a moment before he broke it once more. “Onto the final part of our lesson, and the reason I wanted the pegasi’s constructs as far away as possible. This relies on panic and sensory overload – specifically, auditory. Have you ever heard of the Elements of Insanity?”

“Isn’t it that crossover series where various ponies get mixed with G-mod memes?”

"I would imagine that those are the same. This next attack may be familiar to you, as it is the weapon of choice of one “Fluttershout”. I’ve made a few adjustments through our connection, so you should be able to perceive the frequency without it wreaking havoc on your mind."

“Pay close attention. I’m channeling every emotion in my body, raising it to a fever pitch in my soul.” An aura consisting of all colors enveloped his form as he drew his breath.

What was released is utterly unprintable, as there are no words one could use to describe it accurately. The sheer volume put the Royal Canterlot Voice to shame, and the emotional tsunami crashed over them was staggering. Suffice it to say, the guard was clutching his ears as his eyes shut tightly, before the sound won out. Limply, he fell to the ground, senseless.

Setton’s ears were still ringing as he struggled to his feet. “I thought you said it wouldn’t wreak havoc on my mind?”

“I apologize, but considering your mindscape held, I did my job successfully. Stronger willed opponents would be able to weather the emotional overload to a degree, simply scrambling their thoughts. However, this one was not one of those trained to do so, and as such his mind shut down to preserve his sanity.” Another guard appeared in the mindscape, looking no different from the first. “Now you try.”

Setton’s ‘ears’ were restored, but to his surprise he found himself completely calm. “I take it that the emotions were dulled for me?”

The Red Bard nodded. “Exactly. You only took the auditory assault, and for that I commend you for withstanding.” His voice became more forceful as he continued to speak. “Now take a deep breath, think about as many things as fast as you can! Make them as random and clashing as they can possibly be, then release that chaos into your shout! Let your heart go into overdrive!”

Setton considered how to do this for a moment before it hit him. Setton concentrated until his thoughts became extremely epileptic. He roared to the heavens, his thoughts becoming a torrent of noise and passion as the guard immediately collapsed and dissolved into mimetic dust.

The Red Bard instinctively drove his Keyblade into the ground in front of him as the mindscape shook, but his foothold on Setton’s consciousness began to shatter under the strain. “That is all I can teach you for now, Setton!” he shouted above the din. “But we shall meet again!”

With this, Setton found the mindscape crumbling around him.

While the others were talking to the ‘new arrivals’, The Beast’s mind was elsewhere.

I could have sworn I felt his presence again. But why –?

Setton bolted upright. He looked around, taking in his surroundings, before he spoke up. “I had the strangest dream. And you were there,” he said pointing to Orion, “and you were there,” now pointing to Aurora, “and you were...there,” he said intending to point at Rainbow Dash. He paused with a frown, realizing that there were two Rainbow Dashes.

“Anyone mind telling me what’s going on?”

Interlude

The girl was extremely pissed off. Not only did she lose those two, but now she had no idea where the hell she was. How big is this damn library, anyway? she thought in exasperation. She had passed at least thirteen – scratch that, fourteen – rows of shelving without any sign of a wall, let alone those two weirdoes.

She had been in her school’s library when she had overheard them...

"It's just that...humans don't tend to just throw themselves at each other. We try very hard to form meaningful, close bonds with others before…doing what you've been asking for. And frankly, the fact that people like Lee, Alfonz, and me are used to seeing you in a different light than that makes it all much harder to adjust. And a main issue with that is your species – humans have a sort of cultural taboo against…*relations*…with other species.

She had stuck her head out – just to check – when she saw them. The guy looked ~~good~~ normal enough, but there was something off about the girl he was with. It didn’t take her long to realize the girl wasn’t simply drunk: it looked like she didn’t know how to use her own legs.

Just like I was when I first came here, she mused. She wondered how they had gotten there when she noticed it. A door that she had never seen before – which she knew was impossible due to the fact that she had a blueprint of the entire campus mapped out in her head.

It also helped that said door was sticking out of a support beam.

As she watched them go, she knew she had to find out where they came from, so she waited until they were halfway through the door. She stuck her foot between the frame, stopping it before it could close, and stepped through after waiting a few seconds.

It took her all of two seconds so discover the girl’s identity as she reverted to her natural form.

Twilight Sparkle. It’s like Christmas morning.

Her plan had been to follow her through and take back what was rightfully hers, but as she kept walking, she noticed something – unlike Twilight, she hadn’t changed.

Voices snapped her from this line of thought as she approached a set of shelves. Slowing her pace, she came up on the other side as quietly as she could manage. Gingerly removing several books, she made a hole large enough for her to peek through.

What the– ?

Standing on the other side of the shelf was the strangest group she had ever seen. Three humans, five pegasi, Twilight Sparkle…

She resisted the urge to slap herself as she took in the last two. One looked like a boombox on legs, and the other looked human but had no face. The latter was carrying one of the pegasi on its back in some kind of – bundle of wood? she thought dazedly. No, those branches are moving – I think it’s safe to say that’s a part of him.

Listening for several moments gave her valuable information. The guy she saw earlier was named Setton, and according to the others, the other two were named Silias and Lee. The faceless *thing* was known only as The Beast, which to her seemed appropriate.

She noticed that two of the pegasi looked exactly alike, but the almost conveniently timed stories they were telling explained this for her. She cringed when she heard the graphic details of where they came from, but looked at – Setton, was it? – with interest.

Apparently there was more to him than met the eye ~~candy~~.

Silias looked over at Factory Dash, who looked like she was finally coming to. “Uh, what do we do with –”

The Beast whirled one of his branches around at an impressive speed, holding up a small writing utensil. “MEMETIC PENCIL!” he said in a calm, controlled voice as he brought the item to bear with the pegasi’s waking eyes. Immediately they widened, and Factory Dash bolted upright. Interestingly, she kept her eyes glued to the pencil, like a dog might to the beam of a laser pointer.

No one moved for several moments, and during this time she didn’t blink once.

The Beast broke the silence. “Lee? When will it stop working?”

Lee gave the mare an evaluating gaze. “The memetic pencil? I’d say another thirty seconds until it’s done its work.”

Rainbow Dash stared in disbelief. “A ‘memetic pencil’? Seriously?”

The girl behind the bookshelf raised her eyebrow, mainly due to the fact that the idea of a ‘memetic pencil’ sounded utterly ridiculous.

Lee glanced at the pegasus. “I realize that the idea of a ‘memetic pencil’ sounds utterly ridiculous, but it was the best I could come up at the time.” He rubbed his head wearily, trying to shake energy back into himself. “To be fully honest, I’m not sure what it’ll do – it’s supposed to have a calming effect on the mind, and basically make weak minds susceptible to instruction.” His brow furrowed as he remembered the circumstances of its conception. “However, I’m not sure how well it’ll work due to the fact that I had been drinking when I came up with it,” he admitted.

Rainbow Dash finally put two and two together. “Hey, who’re you calling ‘weak-minded’?”

“Factory Dash, of course,” he deadpanned. “I didn’t mean to offend you, but if the fact that you and her are practically carbon-copies implies that you’re weak minded, then I’m sorry. However, you’re not acting like her in the slightest, so that gives you no right to –” Silias poked his shoulder to get his attention. Lee looked up to see Rainbow Dash was also staring intently at the memetic pencil. “Oh for God’s sake, you didn’t have to prove it.” Lee grumbled.

Silias grinned widely. “May I try something?” There was something eager in his tone, but Lee decided to hear him out on this one.

He went up to the mare and took the pencil carefully from The Beast’s grip. Holding it in front of Factory Dash, taking care to block Rainbow Dash’s view as he did so, with a wave of his hand he said, “These are not the foals you’re looking for.” Setton’s jaw dropped when she echoed “They’re not the foals I’m looking for” in an emotionless monotone. Silias stared intently at Factory Dash. “Go home and rethink your life.”

Factory Dash’s eyes snapped back into focus. “You know what? I think I’ll go home and…rethink my life.” Having said this, she turned and entered the Door she came from.

Silence.

Silias took this opportunity to raise his fist sideways, which Scootaloo bumped her hoof against. “Lee, this is basically a Jedi Mind Trick in a pencil. Can I keep this?!”

The Beast coughed loudly, attracting their attention. "With that taken care of, we should be moving onto the next Door. No sense in wasting time.”

As they left the area, the girl processed all of what she had just witnessed. Most people in her position would stare blankly for a moment before a deadpanning “What the fuck was that?”

However, Sunset Shimmer was not most people.

And she saw the makings of a plan.

Author's Note

For those of you who have been here since the beginning, thank you so much for your support. I'd also like to mention that several edits have been made to previous chapters, so feel free to check again.

The next *full-length* chapter should be up by the week's end, so hang in there!

Chapter 9 - Dropping In

Author's Note

Proofread by FIMFiction author a human. One of my favorite authors on this site and a Gordon Ramsey of the Fanfiction variety - and you can quote me on that any day of the week. If you're unfamiliar with his works, then by all means give them all a read. It will make this crossover arc all the more satisfying, and give you an idea of the madness to come.

Chapter 9 - Dropping In

Pinkie Pie was hard at work baking her cupcakes when she felt it. She stopped where she was, letting her Pinkie Sense work its gypsy magic without risking the goods.

"Ear flop, eye flutter, knee twitch...watch out for opening doors?" she asked herself in confusion. She looked around - the oven door was closed, the cupcakes on the other side only halfway done, and all other doors in Sugarcube Corner. Nothing happened for a moment. "Maybe it's the front door?"

"But I don't want to use my heeeeeeeeeeeead!" Spike wailed. Having almost missed her cue, Twilight barreled through the door, using Spike as a battering ram.

After crashing into the wall, Twilight dropped him. "Pinkie, there's another one of them, and the detector's going off near the Everfree Forest. You know the drill."

Pinkie bounced to the door happily. "Yay! I get to throw another 'Welcome to Equestria' party!"

Twilight watched her pass as Spike woozily got up. "Really, Twilight? The door was wide open!"

She ignored him.

“Hey Lee?”

Lee’s head snapped up from his reverie, and turned to Silias. “What is it?” he asked automatically.

Silias gestured to several Doors in the distance. “Ever notice how, unlike the old Doors, they seem to actually make sense?”

“What?”

“Think about it: they’ve always been freestanding, and always perpendicular to the floor.”

Lee’s brow raised. “And you have a problem with this because…?”

Silias tilted his head. “I’m just saying, back when we first dealt with Doors, they would show up anywhere and everywhere. Or don’t you remember that one time where we stepped into that Door and exited through a filing cabinet in Sweden?”

Lee’s hand went to his chin. “I do remember, but what’s your point?”

“Even that world’s Dooling was familiar with TVTropes – I’m just thinking that Murphy’s Law will end up changing the game.”

Lee looked directly at him. “Murphy’s Law only states something will happen if someone questions why it hasn’t happened. In other words, you just ensured that the Doors will act weird.”

Silias would have responded to this, but they were all suddenly too busy falling through a Door that opened below their feet.

When the Mane Six arrived, Spike healed from his multiple concussions suffered in the course of being used as a door knocker. This was managed over the page break simply because cartoon physics and fanfic powers. Deal with it.

"I still don't see why we have to go and drop everythin' every darn time a human lands in Equestria," Applejack griped. "Can't someone else go roll out the welcome wagon? I mean, I know we're the Elements 'n all, but this is gettin' ridiculous Twi - I'm startin' to fall behind on my apple buckin'."

Rarity sympathized with Applejack. "I agree wholeheartedly. Why, I too have business that I'm falling behind with, and it would be simply marvelous if we didn't have to handle this so personally."

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "You just want to get back to your love slaves, don't you?"

Rarity had the dignity to look appalled, despite the fact that this was right on the money. "Well, I never! You'd think that I'd be so shallow? Preposterous! I merely ask that my schedule not be muddied by so many last minute excursions."

Fluttershy mentioned she left several corpses in her backyard, and that she also wanted to get this over with.

Spike looked up to see the new arrival staring at him. "Uh, guys? You might want to see this..."

He turned to see them ignoring him. "Guys? Um..." Spike now stood face to face with the new arrival, which is a curious choice of words considering that he had no face.

"...hi there?" Spike offered weakly.

*Five minutes ago*

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Rainbow Dash wasted no time. "Hang on Scootaloo, I've got y-" She stopped mid-sentence, stunned as she remembered that this Scootaloo could fly. "Oh."

Ranbow looked at Scootaloo for a moment, their wings beating in sync as they hovered. "Wow, you've really grown," she deadpanned, really taking her in for the first time. "How long was it since you met Sweetie Belle and Applebloom?"

Scootaloo tapped a hoof to her chin. "Jeez, about... eleven years, I guess?"

Rainbow winced, suddenly feeling a mix of loss and awkwardness. She didn't like it one bit, so she quickly changed the subject. "Uh, the others are still falling - shouldn't we try to help them?"

Scootaloo shook her head. "Nah, they've got it. Take a look."

Suddenly, music filled the air, and Setton arose on a glorious pair of ebony feathered wings. A loud pop and a flash alerted them to Twilight teleporting to the ground.

The Beast, on the other hand, made no attempt whatsoever to halt his descent, opting to land on one knee with his branches extended like prison bars around him. He skewered no less than twelve Twimberwolves, who whined pitifully as they were impaled.

The pegasi winced at the sight, but Scootaloo realized something. "What happened to Lee?" she wondered around.

Setton's wings suddenly caught aflame. "Son of a BITCH!" he shouted angrily.

Something else filled the air as Lee came into view. Bass was set into some kind of motorcycle with wings, which seemed like –

"Oh, of COURSE Bass is on fire! Warn me the next time you force him to play heavy metal!" Setton ranted, his wings now blackened and leathery. Fortunately, he managed to stay in the air despite the pain of the sudden shift.

"Oi, I can't help it if it was the first thing that came to mind!" Lee shot in his defense.

"Like a vehicle mentioned in ONE dream sequence in The Rapture Logs was the FIRST thing you thought of," Setton retorted bitterly.

The pegasi blinked, then looked at each other. "We'll meet you guys on the ground," managed Scootaloo. They flew down to the tree line and found Twilight sitting in an oak, eying something in the forest intently. Hearing their wing beats, she looked up and motioned them over.

"What is it with you and trees?" Rainbow quipped as they settled into the canopy. Twilight shushed her absentmindedly as she pointed to what she was staring at.

Six mares and a dragon were almost at the clearing The Beast had created. Scootaloo's eyes drifted over to the Fear, who was casually dusting himself off and retracting his branches from the injured Timberwolves. Those that could ran away as fast as their wooden legs would take them. The Beast ignored them and idly pulled out Aniland, playing a few chords on the guitar controller. Satisfied that the fall had no effect on the eldritch weapon, he slung it over his shoulder and turned to see the ponies (and dragon) approach.

The Beast cocked his head to one side as he regarded their approach. The white one seemed to be arguing with someone. "...I merely ask that my schedule not be muddied by so many last minute excursions."

The yellow one mentioned she left several corpses in her backyard, and that she also wanted to get this over with.

If The Beast had eyebrows, one of them would have lifted in a mix of amusement and confusion. He had assumed the first thing he would have heard as they came into view was "What the fuck is that thing?!" followed by general panic, shooting wildly into the air, tripping over one another to flee – which was the usual greeting he received from those who he hadn't met before.

Perhaps they merely haven't noticed me yet, he reasoned, and waited patiently for someone to notice the faceless, seven and a half-foot tall eldritch abomination standing in front of them.

"Uh, guys? You might want to se this." His gaze shifted to the dragon, whose face was focused on his *lack of a* face. They regarded each other for a moment before they glanced to the mares expectantly.

They were spectacularly ignored.

The Beast bent down for a closer look. Strange - this one appears to be more observant than the others. It appears this creature is the only one who has his wits about him. He idly looked over to note the ponies wrapped up in their own devices. If something like me fails to faze them, they must be incredibly brave, powerful...or dim.

He shifted his gaze once more to the dragon, who was currently inches away from him. Spike's gaze was still on the ponies.

"Guys? Um..." here Spike noticed their proximity, as he finally turned around again. "Hi there?" he offered meekly.

The Beast had to give him credit. This 'dragon' has held his ground longer than most, even if he is trembling in terror.

The Beast spoke. "Hello. If my sources are correct, your name is 'Spike', is it not?" The chatter at the edge of the clearing cut out faster than the trapdoor under Guy Fawkes.

Spike swallowed, and mustered as much courage as he could. "S-so what if I am?" he asked, obviously terrified of the response.

The Beast eyed him carefully, certain he had the mares' attention. "Then I know the name of the only sensible creature here," he said loudly. "Would you mind pointing me in the direction of the nearest town, o sensible one?"

A heavy dose of sarcasm would be expected at those last words, but shockingly, The Beast gave none, as he legitimately saw Spike in that light. He may have used this as a cheap shot at the mares, but he meant the dragon no disrespect – something all seven of them were not accustomed to.

Native Twilight’s eye twitched, but she tried to stay calm. “That’s the reason we’re here – to lead you into town. Exactly how much do you know about Equestria, anyway?” she wondered.

The Beast shrugged. “Very little. All I know are a few names, such as his,” he half-lied.

Native Twilight sighed. “Then would you mind watching the slideshow?” she asked.

The Beast looked around for a moment, before responding. “Do you mind if I call my companions?” Without waiting for an answer, he looked up and shouted, “LEE RICHARDS. SETTON STONE. STOP DICKING AROUND UP THERE AND COME DOWN!”

There was silence for a moment before the two gracefully crashed into a nearby tree. Bass, now in his regular bipedal form, performed a quadruple backflip and landed on Fluttershy’s back. Lee and Setton flopped down under the gaze of all present. Setton looked around curiously. “Anyone see where Silias went off to?”

Silias then poked his head from Pinkie’s mane, looking around in utter confusion. “…I have no idea how, but I landed in her hair on the way down. Speaking of which, thanks for the save,” he said, nodding to Pinkie.

“You’re welcome!” she said happily. She waited for him to get out of her mane before she started bouncing in a circle. “Yay! Four at once! That hasn’t happened to us in a while!”

Fluttershy reminded them that Rarity was a mega-whore and ‘four at once’ was par for the course to her.

Silias stared at the pegasus for a good long while. He went over to Setton and turned him around with him. With their backs to the ponies, Silias asked, “Fluttershy is a smartass? Why didn’t you mention this to me?”

Setton looked a bit shell-shocked. “I had no idea about that, believe me.”

Silias looked over his shoulder at the pegasus for a brief moment. “You’re supposed to be our expert on these ponies, and you didn’t know we’d be dealing with a potential Flutterbitch?”

Setton stared at him for a beat. “You do realize you just referenced an actual, yet slightly obscure, meme, right?”

“Wait, what?” For indeed, Silias had no idea what Setton was talking about.

Setton shook his head and turned them back around. “Nevermind. I suppose we’d better see that slideshow,” he said with a sigh.

The projector clicked off. “And that’s the basic information about Equestria,” Native Twilight finished.

They were in a dark, clammy, and seedy looking room, an atmosphere one might attribute to a sex dungeon or the (stereotypical) brony habitat. Silias frowned - at the presentation, because he’d been in worse rooms before. “That’s it? Isn’t there some sort of shady underbelly to this world – like some sort of long-ranging sub-plot that, once you know of it, it makes a visually diabetic world into something darker, richer in development, maybe a subtle little bit of Nightmare Fuel?”

Native Twilight’s turn to frown. “Not that I know of,” she admitted.

Setton turned to Lee, shaking his head. “Next time you lead us into a stretch of the multiverse, make sure to land in Adventure Time. Don’t get me wrong, this is nice for a change of pace, but I’d actually prefer combating some weird creatures over this,” he confided under his breath.

Native Rainbow Dash overheard this last sentence and crossed her arms indignantly. “Okay, tough guy: ever face a manticore? Or a cockatrice? Have you ever even seen a Hydra with your own eyes?”

Silias got up in her face and matched her tone. “Have you ever been attacked by a swarm of spidercats, get chased by Nyarlothep the Eldritch Bear, or go toe to toe with a Carbra?”

“…”

“…”

They stared at each other in silence. Pinkie cut the tension with a knife and made a sandwich with it.

“…”

“…”

“Swap stories over coffee?”

“I could go for an espresso.”

Twilight tried to stop them, but it was in vain. They left the room, already deep in conversation. After a moment, she shrugged and muttered something about changing protocol.

Lee cleared his throat. “Anyone else find that a little abrupt?” he asked what was left of the room.

Pinkie popped out of his coat’s collar, startling the hell out of him. “I think it was the author’s attempt to rile up some shippers,” she giggled innocently.

Lee eyed her as his heart rate tried to stabilize. “Speaking of possible shipping…” he started.

Twilight cut him off before he threatened the fourth wall. “Okay, before we do anything else, we just need you guys to take a simple test. It’ll tell us if it’s safe for you to be in Ponyville, but we just need to get some paperwork from the other room.”

Lee looked over at Setton and the Beast, neither of which objected to this request. “That fine, we’ll simply wait here,” he told Native Twilight.

A mint green unicorn made her way into the building. I know those humans went in here…

This line of thought was shattered when she bumped into someone. “Twilight!”

The pony in question dusted herself off. “Oh, hey, can’t talk now Lyra – I have to go find Lyra…”

"..."

Twilight facehoofed. “On second thought, forget what I said.”

Lyra looked at her oddly before a wide grin took hold. “You want me to talk to those humans, don’t you?”

Twilight nodded. “That’s what we always need you for. Just…don’t go too overboard, okay?”

“Since when have I ever gone overboard?”

Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “Remember what happened last Thursday?”

“…”

“…”

“Okay, fine. I won’t ask them to help with any power tools this time.”

When the mare entered the room, Setton recognized the look in her eyes. He had seen it on their Twilight several times before, and his mind shifted to the name Lyra Heartstrings. The infamous hands obsession, and the rumored humanophilia that came with it. One look confirmed this was that same pony.

“I may be a brony, but I have standards.”

With this, he promptly jumped out of a plate-glass window.

Lee raised a brow before remembering the fic that got them into this mess. He had taken the liberty of finishing Dawn of the First Day while they were walking, and it wasn’t too long before he began to draw a similarly terrifying connection – albeit one made in complete ignorance of the mare’s identity. Lee desperately wiped all reaction to this from his face, because he didn’t want to jump to conclusions. Or at least, through a shattered window.

Lyra looked a little hurt at Setton’s *exit*, but she shrugged this off quickly, shifting her attention to Lee. “…okay, then. What’s your name?”

“Lee Richards, at your service,” he said with a bow and a smile. He and Lyra both picked up on his choice of words quickly, eliciting fear and excitement, respectively.

Lyra smiled sultrily. “I’m Lyra Heartstrings – and I’d be glad to take you…up on that.”

Lee looked at The Beast, his gaze saying “help me”.

“You’re new in town, right?”

Suspicious nod.

“So you need a place to sleep?”

Another suspicious nod from Lee.

“Well, you can always stay with me…” Lyra practically purred.

Lee looked over to The Beast, who was viewing this with a mix of amusement and interest. “You would offer your home to us on the spot?” he asked her with a ‘straight face’. Turning to Lee, he spoke in a half whisper. “That is a generous offer, is it not?”

Lee stopped. Well, we do need a place to stay the night. Perhaps she’s offering us solace for the sake of charity, even if she seems a little too interested in you…

“Well, I’m not really sure…” A thought struck him abruptly. May as well see where she’s going with this. “How would we pay you, anyway? We don’t seem to have any money…”

Lyra started waving a hoof dismissively before she stopped it mid-swing. Looking from it to Lee, the look from earlier intensified. “Maybe if I asked you to let me use those…marvelous hands of yours…that would count as my payment.”

That all but cemented Lee’s suspicions. “Sorry, but no. I have a feeling whatever you’d need hands for that you – as a unicorn – couldn’t do yourself seems dodgy.”

Lee was certain that she wanted a little something he wasn’t prepared to give a pony. Sadly, he was right for the wrong reasons.

The Beast simply looked at her in interest. “He has a point there. Why would you want his hands, anyway?”

Lyra seemed to notice him for the first time – and by extension, his lack of a face. She quickly averted her gaze to Lee. “Let’s just say, I reeeeeeeealy want those hands. Or any pair for that matter – I just want a set for my own.”

Here Lee finally got what she was requesting.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, I’m just going to follow Setton out of the window, m’kay?”

Before he could move two steps, Twilight popped up from behind a one-way mirror, and the others appeared as well.

Lee facepalmed. “Holy shit, I’ve just been on an episode of ‘Punk’d: Equestria’, haven’t I?” he said with a forced laugh.

Lee clapped his hands, making a big show of it. “That was impressive, really. Clever prank – have a pony actor pretend she has a psychotic obsession with hands, then have her meet humans,” he stopped and indicated The Beast, “and an humanoid eldritch abomination, and give one hell of a performance. I was told Rainbow Dash had a flair for pranking, but that one takes the cake. Bravo, all. Bravo.”

Fluttershy told him it wasn’t a prank.

Lee acted as if he hadn’t heard her. “Hey, Pinkie: You mentioned throwing a ‘Welcome’ Party? Would you like any help to coordinate that?” he asked, turning to the pony in an attempt to get the hell away from the mint-green unicorn.

If there was any nervousness in his voice, Pinkie didn’t seem to pick up on it, as she responded in her usual bubbly manner. “I’d love the help!” She took him by the arm. “Okie dokie lokie! We’ll take the express route!”

And they dove into a cactus.

The Beast shrugged. “I’ve seen stranger things in my day,” he said to no one in particular. He turned back to Lyra, who was still staring at him. “You seem familiar, Lyra Heartstrings. Have we met before?”

Lyra looked at him oddly. “Can’t say that I have. Why?”

The Beast peered at her. “…no particular reason…” he said slowly.

He turned back to Native Twilight. “Would someone mind explaining what just transpired?” he asked, jerking a thumb in Lyra’s direction.

Rarity rolled her eyes. “Lyra here is supposed to disgust the *decent* humans that arrive – that was the entire purpose of the test. Her behavior is quite uncouth, I’ll admit, but her strange obsession for humans has helped sort out the unruly ones.” The other mares rolled their eyes at the hypocrisy. Rarity’s own behavior was never truly short of ‘uncouth’ – if anything, she’d done kinkier and stranger things than Lyra ever did.

The Beast manipulated his branches to approximate raised brows. “Let me guess: if either of her obvious obsessions failed to disturb the new arrivals, they would fail the test. Correct?” A nod from the mares confirmed this, which opened the floor for his follow-up query. “In that case, Silias has yet to take your citizenship test. Would that imply he has to meet this pony before being allowed free roam in your village?"

Applejack put a hoof to her chin. “I don’t reckon he’ll be a problem, in my opinion, but you raise a fair –"

She froze as The Beast registered a strange sensation on his thumb.

Lyra was firmly secured to The Beast’s finger, dangling when he lifted his hand to eye level. Applejack stared at this in disbelief. The Beast obviously acknowledged Lyra’s position, and what she was doing, but he merely moved his hand around curiously.

“Uh, you don’t really seem creeped out by any of Lyra’s…Lyra-ness,” Applejack deadpanned.

The Beast gave her a level gaze. “I have seen a world populated by five foot tall gingerbread men who consume and use the remains of humans for furnishing materials. I have seen a living Omen who restores itself with the flesh of the damned. And I have seen a cockroach with the head of the Nazarene fight with a keyboard that can alter and manipulate reality with a single note.”

He turned his head in Lyra’s direction briefly before continuing. “I am neither surprised nor alarmed to meet a unicorn – with a pastel coloration no less – harboring an obsession with humans and their hands, who decided to affix herself to my thumb by means of her mouth. I am only curious as to how she has managed to keep such a secure hold in this manner without using her teeth.”

The silence was deafening.

“One may argue that I have ‘failed’ in accordance to the parameters of your test to determine which humans are ‘safe’ for your society.”

The Beast waved it off – in literal terms, as Lyra was sent flying into the furniture. Wiping his hand off on his pant leg, he calmly stated, “But they would be wrong: This world is much more peaceful than my own and I have no reason to disrupt this peace…in addition to the fact that I am not human. Remember that well.' Making his way to the door, he waved to the stunned mares, with Lyra lying in a pile of debris.

Her head rose weakly from said pile. “Like I could make that mistake,” she slurred, and promptly passed out.

“…and that’s how we defeated Nightmare Moon,” Native Rainbow Dash finished.

Silias leaned back in his seat. They were seated at a booth in Hay Burger, and several patrons were enjoying their meals around them. Silias was not too surprised to find hay based foods in an equine society, but he was sorely tempted to try some of the hay fries Rainbow was munching on. However, he had to remind himself that he couldn’t eat them, and satisfied himself with his coffee. He would have preferred to have something more substantial, but he was unsure what he *could* eat, and decided against playing Stomach Roulette.

He sipped his coffee as he mulled over her story. “What you’re telling me is – you weaponized friendship, blasted a millennia-old demigod with it, and now she’s helping run your kingdom?” He chuckled darkly. “Wonder if it would’ve had that effect on Cockroach Jesus if he ever turned up here.”

Rainbow was interested. “Cockroach Jesus? Who the heck is he?”

Silias took another sip, considering his words. “Was. Cockroach Jesus was quite a character. Book of Revelations didn’t lie when it said The Lamb would return in the end times as a conqueror.” He looked her in the eyes. “Only that bastard was like none you’ve ever seen.”

Rainbow was extremely skeptical of this, so Silias was forced to come up with a metaphor.

“Picture this: let’s say for the sake of argument, that you represent Cockroach Jesus, and each hay fry you’ve eaten represented a universe, one of dozens in a greater multiverse. Let’s say that with each fry, you’re left wanting more, and by the time you come to your senses, you’ve been left with nothing left on your plate. Your stomach grumbles, and you realize that it wasn’t enough – you’re still hungry. So you search for more to sate your hunger.

“Now what if I was to tell you that, while you’re eating these universes, you can go in and visit each and every one, even the one you’re consuming? And what if I told you that while you’re consuming these universes, the inhabitants could also traverse to the universes you already ate?”

He paused to catch his breath, and had a sip of his coffee as he did so. Rainbow looked at her plate thoughtfully, trying to wrap her head around the concept. Silias noticed this and gave her a moment to process it all before he continued.

“Essentially, that sums up what Cockroach Jesus was in the cosmic scheme of things. The worst part of it was, those universes would keep existing after being consumed, and traveling between them would be as simple as taking a wrong turn down an alleyway,” he finished.

Rainbow Dash stared, still trying to process all of this. “How would inter-universal travel be a bad thing, anyway? It just sounds like you’d have a bunch of new neighbors.”

Silias pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes as forced himself to remain composed. “The Sweet Hours, The Camper Festival, The Factory, Dogscape, and The Planck. Each one of them was there, and…god, the shit that came through those Doors. Death and destruction on a global scale, and that was when the Doors hadn’t been fixed in place. If they were ever linked permanently, the entire jävlan human race would have lasted five months at best.”

Rainbow looked at him in shock, the implications of what he said leaving her speechless. Suddenly, she wasn’t hungry for her hay fries, and she pushed them away quietly.

Silias, out of concern, sought to calm her down. “If it makes you feel any better, those events only happened in one timeline. In a majority of them, like Lee’s, Rapture never started, and Earth’s been moving along none the wiser. And that walking joder was stopped, permanently.”

The Beast entered the restaurant calmly, holding the door for an elderly mare on his way in. “Bless you sonny,” she crowed, and the eyes of every pony in the building shifted over to them. Jaws dropped when they saw his lack of a face, towering figure, and branches closing the door behind him.

Silias smiled wistfully. “And he was the one who defeated Cockroach Jesus in single combat.” Rainbow Dash’s jaw, along with those of the ponies in the booths close by, dropped further.

Silias waved him over, and The Beast sat down wordlessly. A nervous waitress handed him a menu, and after scanning it for a moment, he simply ordered a cup of coffee. As the waitress moved to the coffee pot, The Beast cocked his head. “You seem to be taking this world of talking…ponies…rather well.”

Silias waved his hand dismissively. “We’ve both seen weirder things, and you know it. Like Beavis Superbear.”

The Beast put a hand to his chin as he placed the name. “Ah, one of the Knights of Xanadu. Surprisingly good at Guitar Hero for a living teddy bear,” he said detachedly.

Rainbow Dash’s eyebrow went up as she registered this. “A living teddy bear…was a knight in your world?” she said slowly, making sure she heard this right.

The Beast shifted his gaze to her. “A Knight of Xanadu, one of seven guitarists chosen to change the fate of the world. Granted, their duels led to the furthering of Rapture, but they were each powerful in their own right."

Silias smiled. “The Beast was also a Knight of Xanadu, but that didn’t mean that he got along with the others.”

The Beast’s body language was deadpan. “The bear ended up with his head impaled on Aniland, and you merely state I didn’t get along with him?"

Rainbow’s eyes were filled with shock, but she tried to focus on another aspect of the sentence. “What’s Aniland?”

The Beast reached behind him and placed it on the table. It looked mundane enough, being in the shape of a black Guitar Hero controller, but the air around it was tense with power, like in the middle of a thunderstorm.

Rainbow scoffed. “That’s Aniland? It looks like a toy.”

“Looks can be deceiving. For instance, your looks would suggest merely staring long enough would cause Type 2 Diabetes, but I have learned from several sources that you are supposed to be the fastest flier in this world, capable of breaking the sound barrier.”

Rainbow wasn’t sure whether this was an insult or a compliment, but something told her to accept the latter.

Despite this, Rainbow leaned in. “And what makes you so special, anyways? All I see is some guy who had a run in with some acid or something.”

The Beast’s coffee finally arrived. “Thanks,” he said as he turned to the waitress. Shifting his attention back to Rainbow, he considered her for a moment. “Would you really like to know?" A flicker of hesitation was buried by bravado as she nodded.

The Beast placed his cup down. “Let’s start at the beginning: now, have any humans you met mentioned a creature by the name of the Slender Man?"

Rainbow thought back for a moment. “I think that name rings a bell. Creepy tall guy in the woods, supposed to steal kids, disembowel and impale humans, has tentacles coming out of his back and lacks a…face…” She connected the dots. “Wait, you’re Slender Man?”

“I *once* went by that name. But when I still did, I had a servant, one Rosa Scylus, who instead of wearing a mask like my other followers, fashioned a second skin of wood. One day, with the help of The Archangel, she had imprisoned me in the Planck level of Xanadu. As a result, Rapture began to come to Earth."

Silias chimed in. “The Planck was the deepest and most chaotic part of Xanadu, one that would drive the most rational creature insane in a manner of seconds.” He took a sip of his own cup before adding, “The Beast was in there for about three or four months.”

Rainbow Dash stared intensely at The Beast, unable to say anything to this.

The Beast examined her expression for a moment. “Out of concern for your mental health, that will be the end of this conversation,” his tone soft but final. He drank from his coffee solemnly, then looked down at his mug. “This coffee isn’t half bad.”

Draining it, he got the attention of the waitress. “I’d like to get another two of these to go: does this establishment accept human currency, or do I need to pay with the local variety?”

The waitress looked at the wallet in he held in one of his branches, then back to him. “Uh, I think five dollars exchanges to a bit, so ten dollars ought to cover it,” she deadpanned.

The Beast obliged, taking a fifteen out and handing it to her, indicating that the extra was her tip. Blinking, the waitress went over, prepared two coffees, and handed them to him. Taking his drinks in his branches, The Beast tipped his hat and exited Hay Burger, holding the door open for another elderly mare.

“What a nice young man,” she commented.

*Meanwhile at Sugarcube Corner*

Lee poked his head out from a mountain of streamers. “Should these go anywhere in particular?”

Pinkie giggled. “It’s your party, silly! Put them anywhere and everywhere!” She then bounced into the kitchen area to focus on the baking. Lee smiled to himself. “In that case…”

He grabbed several streamers, making sure to have one of each color, and wrote something on each one. He then spoke softly to them, and they fluttered into the air, circling around him. Lee followed their movements before pointing to the pile. In his best officer’s voice, he stated, “I hereby grant you authority over your brethren, which you shall use to make us proud.”

He pointed to the celing. “On this day, let it be known that the world’s first Streaming Airforce has provided the most impressive formations this town has ever seen! Now take to the air, lieutenants!”

The streamers he wrote on shot like jets towards the mountain, whipping the mass into the air in a whirlwind of colors. Soon individual streamers broke off into multicolored detachments, looping around one another in a surreal display of aeronautics before resting on various parts of the room. As the last one landed above the door, Lee sat down and marveled at the sight before him.

The Cakes had come into the room to see how the Silvertongue was faring when their jaws dropped. Cup Cake looked over to her husband. “Tell me you’re seeing this too,” she said in disbelief. Her husband stared, checking everything at least thrice over before wordlessly nodding his head.

The ceiling appeared to have disappeared, as if Sugarcube Corner had been exposed to the skies above.

Lee noticed their shock and followed their gaze. “Oh, this? Don’t worry – it’s only enchanted to look like the sky.” He tugged at a section of the empty air, and a strip came away to reveal the bakery’s ceiling, fully intact. “Just a harmless bit of magic. And streamers.”

Pinkie bounced in. “Okay, so the cupcakes are in the ovens, do you need any help with the – ooh!”

The Cakes waited as she inspected the ceiling. Pinkie poked at it expectantly, and the image wobbled slightly.

She looked at the streamer in Lee’s hands and made the connection. “Wow – you’re REALLY good with streamers! You should help me decorate more often!”

They watched her make her merry way back to the kitchen, before Lee made his way past the Cakes.

“Hold on a second.”

Lee paused halfway to the door.

“I thought humans didn’t have magic. How the hay did you do it?”

Lee looked thoughtful for a moment. “Your name is…Carrot Cake, right?” The stallion nodded. “Who had told you humans didn’t have magic?”

Carrot Cake looked at him curiously. “It’s…common knowledge, thanks to Twilight Sparkle and the Princesses. They checked personally, and revealed their findings to the public.”

Lee chuckled. “Well, they’ve never met a Silvertongue, now have they?”

Chapter 10 - The Good, The Bad, and The Beast

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 11 - A Royal Reception

The Beast was in a surprisingly comfortable position. The carriage itself was nicely upholstered, and the view was breathtaking, bolstered only by the night atmosphere. Three guards sat in the actual carriage with him, despite being pegasi like the ones in charge of the transport.

The Beast looked down to spot a sprawling metropolis clinging to the side of a mountain. "Let me guess: that is our destination?" he said over the roar of the winds outside.

One guard nodded. "Yep, Canterlot."

Another guard confirmed this. "Canterlot."

The Beast was almost sickened by the pun. "Canterlot," he groaned with a verbal facepalm.

"It's only a model."

"..."

"..."

"..."

The Beast looked over to see the third guard sitting disinterestedly in a corner. His name, according to a little name tag on his armor, was Wall Breaker the Fourth.

The first guard attempted to break the silence. "...so. Canterlot."

The Beast, no longer caring about appearances, buried his 'face' in his palm.

Native Twilight looked around the room in surprise, wondering what just happened.

Lee suddenly poked his head from the hallway, looking embarrassed. "As much as I wanted to pull a Batman exit, I can't quite do that without knowing where to go. Or without my bag, for that matter."

Twilight facehoofed. "The Red Bard's probably asleep. Do you have any idea what time it is?"

Lee looked at a wall clock. It read "12:07." If the man truly was a schoolteacher, he would be fast asleep by this hour. After all, it just became Friday, and the children would be dead focused on the weekend.

"...you make a good point," Lee conceded finally.

Suddenly, a thought struck the Silvertongue: What's the next best thing to talking to someone? Talking to someone who knows who you really want to talk to.

"Perhaps you could tell me what you know about the man," Lee said as he took his seat again.

Twilight gave Lee a long look before putting a hoof to her chin. "Well... he lives by himself at the edge of town. He doesn't spend a lot of time in Ponyville, but he's a really nice guy. He's really popular with the foals." Twilight gave a small smile. "If they had their way, he'd never step foot outside the town limits."

Lee considered this, and tilted his head in thought. "I was led to believe that ponies don't get along with humans in general. How is he allowed to teach children?" he inquired with a small frown on his face.

Twilight raised a brow. "You make it sound like ponies don't have our own 'problem citizens'. After all, we have Rarity and Lyra."

Lee had an idea or two about Lyra, but raised a brow at the other name. I know Lyra's issues, but Rarity's...' he wondered silently. What the hell does she do?'

I believe you mean, "who doesn't she do?" his "inner smartass" replied.

Lee paused. Being a nymphomaniac isn't so bad.

Not if you're a hot pink monster truck.

The Silvertongue blinked twice. Wait, what?

The "inner smartass" cut him off. You don't want to know, and I don't want to dwell on that.

The Silvertongue shivered. "Point taken," Lee said aloud.

Twilight attributed his awkward pause to the unnervingly common 'Lyra Initiated - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,' or LI-PTSD, and thus acted as if nothing was abnormal about his behavior.

"Well, not all humans are as bad as the majority." Twilight pointed a hoof at the Silvertongue. "Like your friends, and Obama. You seem the part of the 10% that are sane," she finished wearily.

Lee raised a brow, gears spinning in his head. "You specifically believe 10% of the humans here are sane?"

Twilight's face flushed, as if questioning her numbers made her less of a mare. "Well, it's a rough percentile, but it's accurate enough. Why?"

"It just proves the universal belief that Equestrians are only accepting of like-minded individuals," Lee said calmly.

Twilight raised a brow. "How so?"

Lee waved his hand. "Almost all of your kind here are gay," he said casually.

Silias facepalmed loudly from his corner of the room, and Twilight stared at Lee blankly.

Lee coughed, realizing what he just said. "In the tense of sexual preference, I mean," he clarified, "and not 'gay' the insult, or as the synonym for happy."

It took her a moment to connect the dots. "Oh...then you were saying about 10% of your kind are homosexuals, right?" Twilight pondered this for a moment. "That makes a disturbing amount of sense." She looked between Lee and Silias for a beat, turbines whirring in her head. "Hold on, does that mean that you're-?"

Lee's eyes widened. "Very, very straight! I happen to have a girlfriend, thank you very much," he said quickly.

Silias looked directly at Lee as the sentence left his lips.

Twilight raised a brow, looking from Silias to Lee thoughtfully. "...if you insist..." she said slowly. "Though your taxes will be through the roof. Are you sure you want to plead 'not gay'?"

Silias frowned. "You tax the heterosexuals more than the homosexuals? That can't be good for the birth rate around here..."

Twilight shrugged. "The national proportion of homo to heterosexual citizens is closer than you'd think. Ponyville just happens to be the gay capital of Equestria, thanks to Rainbow Dash." She frowned. "Wait... worldwide, only 10% of ponykind are straight. How do we keep a stable birth rate?"

"Rather interesting topic, one I would love to go in depth into while learning about this world, but for now can you just tell me more about this Red Bard? Perhaps how I would recognize him here?" Lee interrupted, moving the conversation back on topic.

Twilight frowned again, but acquiesced to his request. "Well, he has this red leather getup that even here screams 'Renaissance Fair,' but I've never actually seen his face. He rarely removes that smiling mask of his around ponies."

Lee's brow shot up, but only one of his questions rose to his lips. "He never showed you his face, yet you allow him to be around children?"

"Hey, he might dress weird, but at least he isn't Rainbow Dash," Twilight deadpanned.

There were the sound of cannon-blasts, and Lee's "inner smartass" said, Did you hear that? Those were shots fired.

Lee struggled to keep his face neutral. The mental voice was shamelessly enjoying this discord in the ranks, laughing heartily at the prismatic pegasus' expense.

"Rainbow Dash can't be that bad," Lee said in surprise.

"I don't quite know what to make of her," Silias suddenly said, casually cleaning his sunglasses. "She seems to be on the level, as far as general intelligence and her moral compass goes..."

Twilight scoffed.

"...but she doesn't have a gift for taking care of children," he finished matter-of-factly. "The stories I heard from Scootaloo...it's a wonder that the filly isn't in traction."

Lee looked between Silias and Twilight for a moment. He mentally filed that under 'Study Later,' but did little else. "I see. But what else do you know of The Red Bard?" Lee asked the mare.

Twilight shrugged. "Not much. Apart from his teaching position, the only time he really comes into town is to buy groceries. That and the incident with the noodles, of course," she said as an afterthought.

Lee and Silias exchanged a glance.

"...but... I know this circles back to your question about why he can teach foals, but I believe it's due to his close connection to the princess," Twilight said carefully.

"Princess? As in Princess Celestia?" Lee asked in confusion.

Silias reacted as if he saw Winston Churchill go-karting with Hitler. Lee noted this and had a sudden thought. The Beast was currently on his way to the castle. If Silias was acting jumpy at the mention of that princess, who knows what The Beast would do when lack-of-a-face-to-face with her?

The inner smartass treated Lee to an image of Celestia getting hit in the face with Aniland. He tried desperately not to laugh, but the inner smartass had no such qualms.

Twilight shook her head. "No, The Red Bard barely tolerates Celestia's visits. He goes off to the human settlement if she comes within catapult distance. However, he's good friends with Princess Luna...ever since she was reverted from Nightmare Moon, now that I think about it," she said thoughtfully.

Lee considered this carefully. This merited further research. "Is there any chance that he visits the castle, in that case?"

Twilight shook her head again. "He doesn't go there very often. And since it is a school night, he's likely to be home. Sleeping. At this late hour. Like sensible people do."

Lee caught the hint. He may have been hiding it well, but the Silvertongue was running on a mix of sheer willpower, sugary baked goods, and a strange metabolism for chaos, like the average Reddit user. "Then we should all do the same," he said with a smile. "Thank you for your help so far."

Twilight returned the gesture. "You're welcome." She then gazed over the mysterious book again.

"..."

"..."

It was painfully obvious what she wanted, but it was no use - Lee obviously needed this book because it would prove central to the story, so he refused to fork it over.

Lee raised a brow as he listened to the voice in his head he had dubbed the 'inner smartass'. It seemed as though it had a sudden desire to upstage the author when it came to narration. The nerve of that guy.

If he let Twilight take the book, a lot of terrible things would happen. Not to mention the fact that the author of this story would have to change quite a lot of material.

What the hell are you talking about? Lee mentally asked the voice in his head.

The voice growled. Listen, Lee. Don't play like you don't remember what that thing is, now that you've opened your pocket watch.

I'm certain of why this needs to be kept safe -

Then what are you doing? Stop her!

"...you can't take this, I'm afraid," Lee said calmly as he could, trying not to cringe at the voice in his head shouting at him. "But I could part with a novel, if you really want one of my books."

Twilight smiled. "That seems reasonable." Twilight looked over the books carefully and frowned at his book of memories.

Lee flinched. Apart from the mission at hand, he had a number of memories he did NOT want the mare to see. Luckily her attempt to read it only revealed the day of Setton's wood and propaine rocket, or 'Project Pro-PAIN' as Lee called it, and refused any of her attempts to see more.

Twilight's horn blazed as she considered the book, half a dozen scanning spells furiously working over its pages. "...who put these wards on your diary?" she said after a minute.

Lee seamlessly replied, "Good old Slim Shady." A careful stare later, he amended, "The Beast, obviously. Who else would be able to do so?"

Twilight looked at him oddly and put the book of memories down. "That many seem a bit...overkill...but..."

There was a short pause as she considered something, her horn flashing in time with several overworked neurons. "Do you mind if I keep this copy of 'The Fellowship of the Ring'? It's one of the few classics that I don't have from Earth," she said finally.

Lee spread his hands slightly. "Go right ahead."

As Twilight finally made to leave, Lee called after her, saying, "Have a good night!"

"You too," Twilight replied before she paused, halfway over the threshold. She gazed back and took a hard look at the ceiling.

"I know that you claim The Beast put those wards on your book, but while that may be plausible, he didn't help with those decorations."

Lee had a good idea where this was going.

"If you're using him to explain the use of magic, do you mind telling me how you hung those streamers and ended up perfectly matching the night sky?"

Actually, that had been a direct result of Lee toying with Dresden's skill for sensing magic. What the Silvertongue had thought to be a simple ley line revealed itself as a thaumatic web across the sky. On a hunch, he channeled a small portion of that power through the streamers hanging above his head.

Lee didn't want to divulge this information – partially because he had no idea if it was common knowledge – but he also knew a flat lie could lead to trouble. That left him with the time-honored tool of the fae: the partial-truth.

"Pinkie helped me with the decorations," he replied with a simple shrug.

Twilight considered this for a moment, and then exited with a thoughtful look on her face. The door closed behind her, and the bakery was plunged into an abnormal quiet.

"..."

Hoo, boy. The voice's tone conjured the image of a man dramatically wiping his brow in relief. Better watch your step, or you'll have two Twilights following you around the multiverse. Then you'd have the makings of a Crisis on your hands!

Lee thought carefully for a moment. I doubt she'll be that persistent, but... your voice is extremely familiar...

The voice seemed taken aback. Dear, dear Lee - you've forgotten my name? I'm shocked! Shocked!

...

...well, I'm not really shocked. I *misplaced* the memory of my name soon after you let it out of your failsafe, per your own orders. Something about "avoiding a probe" from somepony. But frankly, I love watching the audience question who I am - it's simply delicious.

Lee frowned, unconsciously reaching for the timepiece in his pocket.

The familiar voice laughed. Don't worry about it right now. We can discuss the matter at length later.

Silias was frowning and saying something.

Lee snapped to attention. "Huh?"

"I said something's not right with that mare."

Silias was silent for a moment, and took off his sunglasses to reveal his eyes. "That Twilight had far too many tears in her memory, ones that she had to have ripped open herself," he stated grimly, stormy gray eyes narrowing in distaste. "Either she does a lot of experiments with memory spells, or that mare has seen things."

Lee tilted his head in consideration. "Most people just drink their bad memories away, but resorting to magical mindwipes..." he said thoughtfully. "Lord, that's a bad sign..."

Silias coaxed Biblio out of his sleeve, whispered something to the bone spider, and it promptly disappeared. "Given what we know, she's supposed to be the most scientific-minded and rational individual in this world. It's a stretch, but perhaps she needs to wipe certain memories to stay in that mindset. All the same, Biblio's going to check the Peisistratos for her book of memories, just so we know what we're dealing with here."

Lee nodded. "Just try not to skip ahead when you do look inside. I don't want us invoking Schrödinger's Suicide again, especially not in this place. But how about we just turn in for the night?" he suggested.

As they made their way to the staircase, Silias put his sunglasses back on. "I'm going to keep tabs on the town itself tomorrow," he stated simply. "I want to know just what occurs here on a daily basis."

Lee scoffed. "Or you want to keep tabs on someone in particular."

Silias looked askance at Lee. "I was a bit less than subtle during the party, wasn't I?" he said sheepishly.

Lee shook his head, grinning widely. "You made certain that filly always stood in yours or Biblio's line of sight. It's obvious how protective you were acting."

Silias raised his hands defensively. "Hey, I have a soft spot for kids in general. It's not my fault pony children are so damn adorable."

Lee continued to grin. "I'm not arguing on that front. And you can't argue that you were being as subtle as Thor." After a beat, he added, "I still think that this world's Rainbow Dash isn't a bad person - er, pony."

Silias stopped Lee mid-step. "She deliberately put a child into a freezer. Why the hell would anyone do that?"

Lee met his friend's gaze steadily. "How long was she in that freezer?"

"Several hours. Her body weight and size is low enough that she should've been inert."

"And you assume everything else Rainbow Dash has done was deliberately dangerous?"

"Absolutely. Knives, fire, fiery knives, falling onto asphalt, bombs, Jell-o, electrocution..."

Lee waved a hand. "You said it yourself, all that trauma should had left her in traction or dead by now. And since she isn't, there's only one explanation, one Rainbow Dash wanted to test extensively."

Silias paused as they reached the end of the hallway. "You're not suggesting that this Scootaloo is actually..."

Lee simply inclined his head in his direction before he opened the door on their left.

The Beast looked around the balcony, intrigued by the lack of crosswinds at that altitude. But then the interior of the castle drew his full attention.

The layout seemed - at first glance - to be utterly chaotic and meaningless, as potted plants could lead you to tapestries across the castle, windows led to wine cellars deep in the mountain, and casks of Minotauran Ale led to the library just three floors from the top spire.

He was being led in eldritch circles for ten minutes, and it became clear that the castle was meant to confuse and delay newcomers. A cheap power play, but one that would deter thievery or resistance.

The Beast began to grow tired of the constant moving in irrational pathways and reached out to the next opening. As he anticipated, seemingly random things in Canterlot were enchanted to act like Doors, leading to anyplace in the castle that it was calibrated to.

If that was the case, then perhaps...

The throne room, he commanded silently, as he stepped forwards into a tapestry.

And he was in the throne room. Now, that was not so excruciating, was it?

The Beast frowned. It wasn't at all difficult, as the portals acted alarmingly like standard Doors. A bit more like the Empty City's than Xanadu's, but the resemblance was a bit too thorough for his tastes.

He quickly turned his attention to a dark blue figure who was standing in astonishment. "How did you manage to get here so fast? The path to this room usually takes ponies half an hour to traverse!"

The Beast stowed his previous line of thought and tilted his head to the side, diverting his curiosity to the creature in front of him. "The question is, why have me led in such a roundabout manner when you had asked for an audience?"

The alicorn looked embarrassed. "Well, I had to make certain that you would arrive alone, and at ease. You see, my sister can be... oh, how can I say this?"

Wall Breaker the Fourth, who somehow kept pace with The Beast to use his shortcut, rolled his eyes wearily. "Prone to madness-inducing levels of masochism, sadism, and debauchery, your majesty?"

The alicorn nodded gratefully. "Exactly. If she had met you first, I doubt it would have ended well."

"Your concern is rather touching."

"Thank you."

The Beast looked at his host and went through a mental checklist. Horn, check. Wings, check. Flowing hair reminiscent of the night sky, check. Flank tattoo...I am well aware of its 'proper' name, but for now, I will refrain from using such a saccharine term...and it appears to depict a crescent moon...

"You are Princess Luna, I presume?" he said with an inclination of his head.

Luna looked at The Beast carefully, silently wondering what the hell happened to his face. "That I am. Going off of Twilight Sparkle's letter, you are known as 'The Beast'." She suddenly looked nervous. "...that is your name, is it not?"

The Beast smiled with his glitch of a mouth. "Perhaps you wish to refer to me by another title, given your obvious discomfort."

Luna gave a slight wince. "It merely seems like a derogatory title, created by those who only account for your appearance. In spite of your name, you seem to act as a gentleman."

The Beast tilted his head in amusement. "One should not judge the content of one's character by name alone, unless their reputation precedes them. For instance, I met a stallion who had the unfortunate name of 'Constantly Desperate' during my first day here. Unlike him, however, I happen have many favorable names to fall back upon - Der Großßman, The Birch King, the Thin White Duke, the slender man, and so on. Yet I believe that my current title is easier to wield in a casual conversation."

Luna raised a brow. "Then where did your current title originate?"

The Beast smiled. "Prophesies pertaining to the Terminal Coming of Rapture. While I doubt you could find those prophesies in this world, I suppose you might find an alternative to them in the Christian Bible, particularly in the Book of Revelations."

Luna nodded. "Very well, Beast. I shall commit that to memory."

An awkward silence descended upon them as they wondered what the hell they were going to talk about.

"..."

"..."

"...so. Whose idea was it to name this castle 'Canterlot'?"

Luna spared a wide glance at their surroundings. "Celestia's. She built it while I was banished to the moon."

The Beast placed a hand on his chin while evaluating his surroundings. "Ah. It would also explain how very little of the design reflects your place among the royalty."

Luna's eye twitched, and The Beast realized that he touched a nerve. "I've been trying to get this place redecorated, but each time my sister asks how I know anything about interior design after a thousand years of exile," Luna said rather bitterly.

The Beast crossed his arms and regarded the marble ceilings, marble walls, stained glass windows, and marble floors. It could do with some darker décor...

"Well, perhaps you would appreciate some assistance in that regard. At the very least, someone to look over and criticize your current designs may be of use," he offered humbly.

Luna beamed. She was starting to like this 'Beast' already. The alicorn motioned with a wing, indicating that he should follow.

After reaching her private chambers, Luna offered a capped tube to The Beast.

Opening the end carefully, he shook the blueprints out into a waiting hand, and transferred the documents to his branches. This allowed him to hold each of them at the same time, so as to ease his scrutiny of the designs.

The Beast studied the designs of the castle carefully. The impossible geometries depicted on the document would have sent mortals scrambling for ibuprofen, but it was standard fare for a Fear of The Beast’s caliber.

After a moment of intent scrutiny, he brought up something that was troubling him about the plans. "Why does your sister have a section of the dungeons relabeled 'The Big Damn Royal Coffee Machine'?"

Luna shrugged. "It's really new, and I'm not much of a coffee drinker - I haven't been down to that section to see what she's done with it."

The Beast let out a slight sigh. "I have had a rather large amount in the past day or so, so any more would be rather unwise. A Fear with too much coffee in his system is rather unpredictable...although, perhaps it was just a bad idea to let The Omen drink fifty-eight cups of Irish coffee at the New Year's party."

Staring into the distance, he muttered, "Those poor cryptology nuts never stood a chance."

Setton was collapsed on a large cloud upstairs when they went into the room. One might wonder how this could be possible, or even practical, as a sleeping place. But this is Equestria, so fuck you. That is the principle upon which this great nation was founded.

Silias noted a faint melody in the air, but couldn't quite understand why he heard it. "What's with the cloud?"

Lee realized that their Twilight was in the room when he heard the empty air muttering about "stubborn guys." It began to click. "If I had to guess, it's because she's here," he said quietly, motioning Silias to listen.

From the sound of those whispers, she had reached 'Master Rant Mode,' an elusive stage when only the afflicted's spoken train of thought is processed. In other words, she was way too worked up over Setton to note their conversation.

It took Silias a moment to connect the dots. "And our fliers...?"

Lee nodded. He had come to the same conclusion. "Probably set that up for him, so he could avoid Twi without sacrificing sleep. A little conspicuous, but the fact that he's up there answers the other question; where the pegasi went off to."

Silias looked up once more. "Why are they up there with him?"

Lee nodded. "Setton saved Scootaloo from dying a horrible death, and Rainbow Dash has been ever so grateful for that. Her presence is probably why Twilight hasn't teleported him away – most anything would stand a secret's chance against The Black Dog if you intend on getting between the Element of Loyalty and her own. Plus, I bet that cloud's really damn comfy."

Silias smiled in respect. "Quite ballsy, but an elegant solution nevertheless. I could get used to traveling with him," he chuckled softly.

Lee looked around, wondering where the hell their sleeping arrangements were.

The room itself, despite being shaded by the dark of night, was impossibly pink. Balloons, streamers, party supplies, and the like were extremely well stocked in various locations around the room. It was a wonder that so much space was actually open to walk, let alone comfortably contain the furniture inside. A number of games and such were placed in a seemingly chaotic yet methodically organized manner, one of these games being an extensive tournament of tic-tac-toe recorded on a ream of paper.

Lee, as he was incredibly fatigued, was halfway to believing he was to sleep on the ceiling. He was formulating a plan to do so involving party hats, a ream of banner paper, and a rubber chicken when Pinkie phased through the ceiling.

The mare looked around as if searching for something, until she noticed the men. "Oh, hi there! Turning in for the night?" she asked cheerily whilst she waved down to them.

Lee waved back, unsure of what else to do. "Hey there," he offered back. "Got any places to sleep that don't break the laws of physics?"

Pinkie was still beaming as she answered Lee's question. "Of course, silly! There's a spot right over there," she said as she pointed over to a raised area of the room.

Silias regarded Setton's bunk with a thoughtful gaze. Pinkie Pie seems to ignore fundamental constructs like physics "for the lolz," including her Shadowcat impression. That being said, Setton was sleeping on a freaking cloud, and that was without Pinkie's input. It was obvious that the laws of physics had rage-quit ages ago.

Lee went up the platform and saw a comfortable looking bed, complete with a fluffy pink comforter cascading over its edges and poofy looking pillows resting against the headboard. Pinkie dropped down onto the bed, bouncing quite nicely from it. Lee could swear that she made a 'boing' sound when she landed on the floorboards. "Right over here, of course!"

Lee looked at her for a moment, wondering what she was implying. All he saw was her bed, unless there was an invisible hammock lying around. Given how the day was going however, little could surprise him.

Pinkie reached under her bed and pulled out two brightly colored sleeping bags. As the comforter's size allowed one to see clearly under the bed, Lee wondered why he hadn't noticed them on his way in. He then realized who he was dealing with, and quickly attributed this to oversight rather than make the mistake of trying to question it.

After a few moments of getting situated, Lee and Silias lay in relative silence. The phrase 'relative silence' here refers to a lack of sound, apart from Pinkie's adorable yet moderately noisy snoring and Twilight's angry invisible mutterings.

They found it very hard to sleep with all that racket.

"..."

"..."

Pinkie lay peacefully under her covers. "Zzzzz...mimimimimeep...zzzzzz...mimimimimeep..."

"..."

"..."

An invisible and (in multiple senses of the word) frustrated mare worked to make a fort out of the party supplies, looking to forge her own sleeping arrangements. "...why won't he just let me get up there? It's like he's afraid of what naturally happens when two mammals of opposite genders..."

"..."

"..."

Pinkie murmured in her sleep, "...woo-hoo...we're going to Candy Mountain, Charley..."

"..."

"..."

"...which, honestly, makes me tempted to just go after one of the stallions outside."

There was a brief pause, and the men began to realize how complicated that would be to explain to the locals. The Native Twilight would be pissed, that's for sure.

'...or maybe she would want to get in on the action?'

Don't you give the readers any ideas, or I swear on me mum I will cut your big reveal scene.

FINE. We'll let the audience fuel their own fantasies.

That's not what I meant, and you know it.

Oblivious to the sound of a sledgehammer being taken to the fourth wall, Twilight's voice became thoughtful. "Then again...Lee might get mad at me for messing with other versions of Equestria..."

"..."

"..."

"...Lee?"

"Yes, Silias?"

"This world's Twilight said that we can never go home again, near the end of that presentation."

Lee sighed. "You and I both know that's bullshit. She might not, but that's because she doesn't know who or what we really are."

Silias shook his head. "I severely doubt she would, but that poses a bit of a problem. The Door we came through was suspended rather high over the Everfree Forest. What happens when we go to leave?"

Lee lay silently for a moment. "Ponies aren't the most subtle of creatures. If they saw the Door, they didn't ask about it. It's assumed that our Way to their world dissipated, so they won't investigate the scene. Plus, the Everfree isn't exactly tourist central - not many people or ponies would be willing to go there anyway."

Silias shifted a bit. "I see. We're staying for a little while, so no one suspects a thing?"

Lee looked over at his friend. "About our ability to traverse freely between worlds? Yeah, I have a feeling that this place shouldn't have that knowledge. But thanks to that, we do have the chance to rest. One I will gladly take advantage of."

Silias closed his weary eyes. "Amen to that."

Lee was about to do the same when a thought struck him. "Hey, Silias?"

"Hm?"

"How do you think The Beast's holding out?"

Silias frowned, and was silent for a moment. "I have no idea."

Lee rolled over. "Perhaps that's a good thing."

The party supply fort fell in on itself, and several muted strings of curses pockmarked the air.

Silias sighed. "Gonna be a long night."

And five minutes after stating this, Silias fell asleep, leaving Lee in relative silence by himself.

Correction - almost by himself.

Lee looked up when he felt something warm next to him. A voice whispered from the darkness next to his ear. "Hey, Lee. Mind if I join you?"

Lee stared at the empty air for several seconds before replying. "Do you want to make it home, or do you want to end up explaining my death by snu-snu?"

It took a moment for the unicorn to process this reference. "The most I'd do is cuddle..." she said quietly.

Lee's expression was unreadable. Twilight's voice seemed hurt, and a memory stirred.

He was sitting on a comfy green sofa, in the midst of a cluttered flat in London. Geological samples adorned the wall behind him on large shelves, crystals and geodes seated without a speck of dust upon them. The window to Lee's right stood open, allowing the rays of the sun to shine onto the jumbled collection of papers, lying serenely atop the desk beneath.

A fellow in a top hat sat not far from him as he calmly enjoyed his afternoon tea, his orange turtleneck matching well with his black jacket and pants. He placed the teacup lightly onto a saucer and addressed Lee with a warm smile.

"Lee, you should remember that it is the duty of any true gentleman to help a lady," he said in his soothing British accent. "Even if it may be dangerous, we as gentlemen should strive to assist those in need of it."

Lee sighed, silently cursing Professor Layton for being such a good influence on him. "...any funny business, and I will not hesitate to freeze you," he said as he held his etched glove in plain view.

While Twilight happily settled inside the sleeping bag, Lee prayed that his dreams stayed pure in this precarious position. A gentleman he may be, but he feared that his body might accidentally send a message that his mind did not condone. And if that happened, there would be no chance of escaping the mare, glove or no glove.

The dreamscape was strangely familiar. It looked as though he was in the middle of a park near a giraffe statue. Lee idly noted the stone statue lying sideways on the ground, its form distinctly human in appearance.

Lee looked around for a moment before a snap resounded through the dream air, and a sharply dressed man appeared at Lee's side. Well, in the loosest sense of the term "sharply dressed."

His tattered brown coat was open in the front, revealing a dark blue vest with a light blue trim underneath, a black necktie circling the jacket around his waist. His pant legs and shirt were a rather eclectic checkerboard of green, brown, tan, and yellow. A gray trilby with one blue and one white feather sat atop his tarnished silver hair, and he sported a goatee with rubber band in it.

Before Lee could respond, the man snapped his fingers, and Lee now wore a yellow beret and a golden scarf, which had a noticeable red trim. His overcoat had also been replaced with a familiar black leather jacket.

The man smiled at Lee's new wardrobe, satisfied with his handiwork. He was about to say something when he noticed something over Lee's shoulder. His eyes shot wide, and Lee noticed the surprise in his red irises before he turned as well.

With little warning, the sky burst open, letting through unimaginably bright pillars of light. This wasn't a part of Lee's mind, he could tell that much. For one, every part of the ground they touched instantly got toasted into a patch of black ash.

The man outright scowled. "For the love of Faust! Can't a guy talk to his host in a dream these days?" he asked in irritation. He snapped his fingers, and everything dissolved into visual static.

Lee stood alone in the haze, unable to make sense of anything in the dreamscape. Then a Door appeared, and Lee stumbled through.

"...you see, while this 'great glass elevator' is impressively engineered on your part, Princess Luna, it eliminates the purpose of the eldritch dimensioning. If you can go anywhere in the castle just by pressing a button, then why would anyone elect to do otherwise?"

"You make a good point, Beast. However, many of our subjects have died during their attempts to conduct their business and duties in Canterlot, thanks to the eldritch architecture. If nothing else, I merely wish to see less corpses when I go to take my Royal Shower."

"Perhaps those guards of yours should act as escorts to visitors of that nature. Or perhaps you could give directions to the throne room and exit on their way in. Either course of action would prove less costly, I assure you."

"And what of the addition to the dungeons?"

"Too cruel. After all, few people deserve to listen to a Justin Bieber concert, especially as captives."

Luna nodded. "I thought as much. Besides, the last time we tested that, the prisoners tore each other's ears out to stop the pain. Do you happen to have any better ideas? The humans brought many unique torture implements with them apart from Justin Bieber. There's waterboarding, whips, Jell-O, electrodes, Ebola…"

The Beast cocked his head in bemusement. "What is it with your kind and torturing others? This is the second time in as many hours someone has asked for my opinion on the subject." He then processed what he just heard. "Hold on, could you elaborate on that third implement from the end?"

Luna ignored the question in favor of her own. "Who else have you discussed torture methodology with in Equestria?"

The Beast told her.

"And what, pray tell, is wrong with that?" Luna asked with a brow raised.

The Beast crossed his arms. "I would assume your embodiment of Kindness would be less cruel and spiteful. It does appear to be a vital part to her role, as your Elements of Harmony appear to be calibrated to -" The Beast stiffened abruptly, feeling a sudden wave of power crash into him.

KNOCK

KNOCK

KNOCK

Whatever was standing outside the door, knocking in that exceptionally loud manner, radiated power like a miniature sun.

Wait a minute...

Yawning as she entered, the Diarch of the Sun casually threw a Royal Guard over her shoulder with a hoof. From the dents in his armor, it seemed as though he had been used as a door knocker. There had been no other option.

Celestia looked at Luna strangely, her voice oddly heavy to be reserving for one's siblings. "Sister, do you know where my Royal Coffee Mug is? I checked the cupboard, but it isn't there."

The Beast stood there in silence, intently focused on the alicorn mare and her movements.

Luna regarded her sister with a taut smile. "Don't you remember? You threw it at Prince Blueblood this Thursday morning, when he asked for the heterosexual tax to be cut."

Celestia smacked a hoof against her head. "It should be behind the tapestries, then. Thank you, sister."

Celestia gave Luna a long, erotic French kiss.

If The Beast had a face, he would have raised an eyebrow. Instead, he manipulated a branch to perform the motion.

Celestia's right eye lazily opened and regarded him - or more accurately, his branch - hungrily. She broke off the kiss and looked at her sister. "I'm going to make myself a cup of coffee. When I get back, I want to know all about our visitor."

Then she walked out, swishing her tail with a sultry air.

"That is a completely normal way for siblings to express their affection," Luna said, although it seemed more like she was trying to convince herself of this than anyone else.

The Beast looked at Luna for a moment. "...are you truly sisters?"

Luna went absolutely still. "What?"

The Beast elaborated. "I meant in the biological sense. No offense, but your power pales in comparison to hers, and there was that...display...just now," he deadpanned with a hand wave. "If you truly were siblings, with your duties including the movement of two equal yet opposite celestial bodies, surely your levels of power would be similar?"

Luna gave a subtle, yet unmistakable, twitch. "I...would be as strong as Celestia, but I was on the moon. For a thousand years," she said smoothly. "I was unable to keep my magic at peak levels during my imprisonment, and Celestia had taken up my responsibilities for that time."

The Beast folded his arms. "I suppose if Celestia was cycling the moon and sun by herself for a millennia, perhaps that does make sense. That would be an extremely magical form of exercise, but easily understandable within the parameters of this world."

Luna let out a breath she didn't know that she had been holding.

Lee flopped onto the ground of the dreamscape, gasping for air.

The 'man' was back, slapping his hands together as small pink clouds poofed around them. "Sorry to keep you waiting, Lee. Now it's just the two of us again!"

Lee stared at him as he panted. "What just happened?"

"That was a mind scanning spell. Terribly difficult magic, mind scanning," the man said, manifesting a pink cup. "In Equestria, mind scanning takes every ounce of magic you've got. If you tried to read just one memory from someone, you would end up in a hospital bed, and your target would end up unable to spell 'other' for a week." The man grew dark. "That spell? It would have read your entire life, and left you a vegetable afterwards."

Lee winced. "Let me guess: the solar beams of mental death were her work?"

A pink cloud appeared above the cup and began spouting a brown liquid in a gentle downpour. "I would assume so, under any other circumstances. You don't exactly blend in."

Lee picked up on that tone and pressed on it. "What about these circumstances?"

The man paused, and the chocolate-colored rain continued to fall. "What I find odd is that for all that skill and raw power, and I didn't sense a conscious mind behind it."

Lee paced the dreamscape for a moment in contemplation, absentmindedly accepting a glass from his mental companion. A moment later Lee was contemplating with a rather fancy chocolate milk mustache upon his upper lip. "That is odd," he said lamely. "Much like that vision I had while everything else dissolved into static. One with a Door, a diner brawl, three girls, and Wilfred Whorfstache."

The man shrugged and drank as if he held a shot glass instead of a tumbler. "Oh, that's probably just a foreign memory or two among many you've stored away deep within your psyche. You know what your friend is capable of, and how you learned some of his master's craft. I'm simply surprised that it didn't resurface earlier."

The man carelessly threw his glass behind him, causing it to erupt into a giant mushroom cloud, which promptly imploded into a psychedelic Christmas tree. "Now," he said, putting on a fake mustache, "let's get serious. It wouldn't do for you to be forgetting your staunchest ally any longer, not when you've already attracted attention. And the way I see it, there's only one way about it that does me justice."

"Hit it!" he shouted with a snap of his fingers, and a microphone appeared in his hand.

Well, Montenegro had them pony thieves, Baron Xante had a thousand spells,
Well Richards, you can rest 'cause up your sleeves you've got a brand of magic never fails!
You've some chaos in your corner now, some mayhem, entropy and no fourth wall!
You've got some punch, pizazz, yahoo and yeah, all you have to do is give a call, and I'll say:

The man suddenly appeared in a butler's outfit, keeping the hat, and held a moleskine in his right hand. A white napkin was draped over his left arm, which was extended parallel to his waist, and he suddenly sported a monocle.

"Mister Lee Richards sir, what will your pleasure be?"
Let me take your order, jot it down, you ain't never had a friend like me!
Life is your restaurant, and I'm your maitré-d,
Come on whisper what it is you want, you ain't never had a friend like me!

Lee suddenly was sitting in a giant golden throne that befitted the likes of Xerxes, surrounded by succulent foods of all nations and worlds.

Yessir! I pride myself on service, you're the boss, the king, the shah,
Say what you wish, it's yours, true dish; how bout a little more baklava?

Lee was almost buried by the sudden tide of desserts which, thankfully, subsided as soon as it came. By the time he spotted the man again, he was back in his original outfit.

"Come on fellas, help me out!" he called suddenly. Out of nowhere, dozens of identical men came dancing in, synchronized with the beat and providing backup vocals. Lee suddenly found himself sliding down pillars of food and drink.

Have some of column A, try all of Column B,
I'm in the mood to help you dude, you ain't never had a friend like me!

The man suddenly held a black cane, which he proceeded to twirl as he juked and jived next to two of his clones.

Now watch me sell it!
Wah nah wah! Oh my!
Wah nah wah! Oh no!
Wah nah wah! Ha!
Can your friends do this?

The man snapped his fingers, and some of the clones began playing trumpets with their elbows.

Can your friends do that?

Another snap of the fingers, and a building was suspended and inverted above the ground.

Can your friends pull this -

The man flipped his hat off of his head and shoved his arm in to the shoulder. It returned with a giraffe with a set of digeridoo legs, a trombone neck, a snare drum torso, and a ham sandwich for a head.

Out their little hat?
Can your friends go poof?
Well looky here!
Can your friends go abracadabra, let her rip, and make this sucker disappear?
So don't just sit there slack-jawed buggy eyed, I'm here to answer all your midday prayers,
You've got me bonafide, certified; you've got a chaos god on charter here!

As he sang that line, he pulled out an official looking scroll that had several jam stains on it. The only words legible were, "BONAFIDE CHAOS GOD CHARTER AND CERTIFICATION."

So find your words, I'll help you out, so what you need I really want to know.
You've got a list that's three miles long, no doubt, and all you gotta do is snap like so!
And I'll go, Mister Lee Richards sir, make a snap or two or three!
I'm on the job, you big nebop, you ain't never had a friend like me!
Can your friends do this?
Can your friends do that?
Can your friends do tap?!

All of the obfuscated men and their conjurer proceeded to perform one hell of a tap routine that cannot be justified by description. Tap dancing on the walls, the ground, and even the open air in perfect synchronization, the dozens of copies cut one hell of a rug across the dreamscape.

The tempo slowed dramatically, and the brass section put more gusto into their performance.

Gimme a doggie bag, taking it home!

All of the obfuscations suddenly did a routine almost designed to get me sued by the Rockettes.

Mister Lee Richards sir, make a snap or two or three!
I'm on the job, you big nebop, you ain't never had a friend, never had a friend! (You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend!)
You ain't never! (Never!)
Had a! (Had a!)
Friend!
Like!
Meeeeeeeeeee!

Even disregarding the golden hoard that would make Smaug look like a pauper, the amount of sheer visual overkill was awe-inspiring. Magical explosions colored the mental stage in arcane glory as the man held that iconic note.

Never had a friend like me, yeah!

At the end of the spectacular performance that someone may be inspired enough to animate, a giant neon sign bearing a name dropped down, lights cheerfully blinking in sequence.

It simply read - "Discord."

Princess Celestia reached a certain antechamber in the castle, in which she kept several family units on retainer. She paused at the door to select an appropriate bag, and loaded the machine's filter using telekinesis.

The alicorn consulted a chart. "Hmm...I'm thinking of a large batch today," she said thoughtfully.

A cell door opened, and a mechanism forced an expansive family, consisting of three generations, into the main room. Celestia took a good look at the statue-still ponies before her, and smiled. "This will do just nicely."

Celestia repositioned the family over a collection trough. She then grabbed the eldest pony in her magic, vivisected him in full sight of his descendants and wife, and simply set him on fire.

The screams were terrible, echoing in the darkness as the scent of burning flesh assailed the nostrils of all present. The remaining ponies began bawling their eyes out, their tears flowing into the trough and filling a clear glass container. The immolated pony was positioned underneath a large mechanism.

Any sane person would be heartbroken and horrified at the sight.

Celestia checked the machine's progress and tutted. "Not even a quarter-filled," she said with a mockingly rueful expression.

She repeated the process until only two shivering foals remained. By that time, her machine had done its job. She opened a window and magically ejected the new orphans onto the streets of Canterlot.

Celestia exited the room with a kick in her step, her steaming mug filled to the brim with freshly brewed coffee.

The Beast was frowning over a rather old tome, attempting to make sense of Equestria's history through its records.

"'...ran out of stallions and, in her infinite wisdom, declared them the new normal.'" he read aloud in utter confusion. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he asked the dark alicorn in front of him.

Luna shrugged. "A lot of things happened while I was on the moon," she said stoically. "Sadly, I wasn't able to see that incident myself. My sister also refused to go into specifics on the subject."

"On the topic of you, what was the purpose of those history books that utterly omitted your exisitence?"

This time the alicorn waved a hoof dismissively. "Oh, that's just part of an elaborate prank Celestia's planning to pull on Twilight. She thinks I don't know, but I do. I do."

The Beast placed the book back on the shelf with a branch, sighing as he did so. He had just managed to do this when Celestia cleared her throat.

Luna started at the sudden sound, but The Beast was unfazed. He felt her approach long before she reached the room.

The Beast inclined his head as acknowledgement to her arrival. "Princess Celestia," he greeted calmly.

Celestia gave him the once-over as she began slowly pacing around him. "Now that I have my coffee...who and what are you?"

"I am known by a large number of names, any of which I would acknowledge, and I am an eldritch being much like yourself," The Beast replied. "Forgive my forwardness, but I was hoping you could help me sort out a number of curious positions."

Celestia grinned. "And how many were you were hoping to test with me?" she asked with a wink.

The Beast's poker face was impressively crafted. His lack of facial features helped a bit. "Several," he admitted. "But I fear that they would be rather disrespectful to attempt."

Celestia raised both brows. "Oh? Well, whatever you had in mind, I'm game if you are. You'll find that I'm rather...versatile...in my tastes."

The Beast was quiet for a moment. "In that case, feel free to call me Candle Jack," he said calmly.

Luna looked at this exchange in interest. She was about to question this last statement, but out of morbid curiosity wanted to see where this was going.

Celestia smiled. "Very well, Candle Jack. Perhaps we can continue this conversation in my chambers -"

She was cut off in both a metaphorical and literal sense, as an impossibly fast figure bashed her in the windpipe with a spiked baseball bat.

There was silence in the room for a good twelve seconds. Luna stared at Celestia in utter shock and revulsion. The Beast stood expectantly, having not moved since offering the false name.

Among the various passages that had caught his eye in the Ark of Testimony, The Beast seeked to replicate The X's gambit in Dominere. He hadn't been certain that it would work here, but Candle Jack attacked all the same, keeping to his MO:

Arriving at blinding speeds from god-knows-where, and violently interrupting whosoever used that name in the middle of a sentence.

Though putting rusty nails in the bat was new...

...as was an unarmored target surviving, and the humanoid abomination exploding into a fountain of gore.

Celestia simply stood there, oddly calm for someone suffering from arterial blood loss. Her horn stopped glowing, her Royal Laser Beam having ended Candle Jack almost as swiftly as he appeared.

"You know," Celestia said through her severed windpipe, "Proving that I'm immortal in such a manner takes massive balls." As she finished speaking, her wound closed seamlessly. "I like what that implies," she purred.

The Beast nodded, ignoring the not-so-subtle message in Celestia's words. "I apologize, but the matter of your rumored eldritch physiology was too interesting to ignore. With that fact established, I suppose I should properly introduce myself. They call me The Beast," he said with a tip of his trilby of shadow.

Celestia tilted her head thoughtfully. "The Beast?" She waited a beat to see what would happen, which was nothing. "Perhaps I could offer you a cup of coffee...?"

The Beast recalled the location of her "Big Damn Royal Coffee Machine" and decided against it.

"I believe I've had my fill of coffee for the time being," he said calmly. "However, I could go for a cup of tea - Earl Grey, if you have it."

Celestia regally led him out of the room and shut the door to Luna's room. The Beast felt an odd pressure on his backside as she said, "Now why do they call you 'The Beast', I wonder?"

Back in her room, Luna stared with her mouth opening and closing in surprised silence. It took her several moments to properly process what just happened, and she looked around the room as she calmed down. The first words that left her lips were:

"Son of a bitch, my room has blood all over it. Again."

Author's Note

Someone on here had said that Discord's most common use in Fanfiction is much like the writing the Genie. So I thought, "What the hell. I'll take that the full nine yards." Thus a song parody was born.

Before you point this out in the comments, I realize that the version I linked to was considerably longer than the one here. While I would have gladly attempted to be more faithful to that version (which was my personal favorite out of scores of possible covers), the wordcount was getting ridiculous. So that content made the cutting room floor.

Chapter 12 - A Tale of Two Cities

Lee awoke to note Twilight sleeping astride him, caging his torso with lavender hooves. He also found that she had her barrel firmly against his bare chest, and he could have sworn he had a shirt on the night before. He wasn't sure what to make of the fact that manipulating anything below his waist was incredibly difficult.

The Silvertongue looked briefly around the room to discover that he was alone in the bedroom with Twilight, and silently swore. This was definitely not good.

Twilight made an adorable moan as she awoke, groggily lifting her head from Lee's collarbone. The unicorn's invisibility spell hadn't broken during the night, but somehow Lee could sense the hungry look on her face.

"Good morning, Twilight," Lee said, silently swearing behind his poker face.

The librarian's reply came inches from Lee's lips. "Good morning to you too, handsome," she purred.

Lee kept up his poker face with Herculean effort. "I'd return the compliment, but you're invisible. Also, why did you remove my shirt?"

"I wanted to know how you felt," Twilight said ambiguously.

"Okay. And why did the sleeping bag become such a tight fit?"

"What's wrong with that? I thought guys liked a tight fit," Twilight countered.

Lee didn't, especially in this case. He had no line of sight to his glove – which was still on his hand, trapped in the sleeping bag – and all of his books were in his satchel three feet away. Twilight had him completely at her mercy.

'This is Papa Chaos calling Waifu Magnet, over.' The draconequis in Lee's head sounded like he was calling over a CB radio. While Lee would have words with Discord about the designation 'Waifu Magnet', he filed that away as a topic for later.

Lee shifted his head to the side, focusing on his ace in the hole. 'Discord, what have you got for me?' he asked, ignoring the warm softness now on his cheek.

'Waifu Magnet, disengage, we have Pinkie inbound. Repeat, disengage, we have Pinkie inbound. Over.'

Lee's poker face would have made Lady Gaga proud. "Twilight?"

"Yes?" she said a little too quickly.

"Would you mind making yourself scarce?"

Lee felt her weight shift sensuously – merciful Adonis, his pants were still on! – as the invisible mare cocked her head. "Why would I want to spoil this moment alone?"

"Because we're about to be a lot less alone in the next few seconds, and I think it'd be difficult explaining the pony in my sleeping bag. Especially when she's a dead ringer for the town librarian," Lee said pointedly.

The sound of steps on the staircase made Twilight flinch, and she quickly teleported out.

Lee let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding, and was then alerted to the sound of Pinkie acting bananas. One might assume this was a phrase which here means, "to act in a wild and unpredictable manner," which in this case they would be half-right.

Pinkie Pie was standing not two feet away, dressed as bunch of bananas. Lee briefly wondered where she got a palm tree in a temperate zone, but wisely accepted the explanation of "Pinkie Pie.”

"Good morning, Pinkie," Lee said casually.

"Good morning, Lee!" Pinkie said cheerfully. "Ooh, guess what I'm doing! Go on, guess!"

Lee made a show of thinking it over. "You're acting bananas," he finally stated, and Pinkie's smile gained several inches.

She giggled and hopped out of the bananas, them and the tree disappearing to god-knew-where. "How'd you know?"

"Lucky guess," the Silvertongue managed without a trace of irony.

Lee stood up and stretched. He twisted himself so that a few stiff vertebrae popped, and rolled his arms in their sockets. After a few more maneuvers, Lee gingerly placed his jacket back on himself, as he found Biblio sleeping in his pocket. Pinkie bounced over to the door as she told him that his breakfast would be ready soon.

Realizing that he had some time, Lee decided to have a quick shower to start the day.

********

[Silias' POV]

The dining room we were enjoying our breakfast in was a quaint little room. Nothing too fancy for a pastel palette, a table, plenty of chairs in case company came over, and a surprisingly hearty breakfast in front of us. Pancakes, muffins, a pitcher of orange juice, toast and various local jams – one read 'Zap Apple,' for instance – and so on.

I had raised a brow when I noted the eggs, bacon, and ham, but apparently Pinkie Pie had no problems with serving meat. She didn't actually partake of the pork, though, so I wondered why Sugarcube Corner would be carrying it. Or for that matter, how and where they had gotten it. I go by Narnian rules when it comes to eating meat: I don't fork it if it ever talked. Which is why I winced when Setton scarfed several slices down, seeing as I had no idea if pigs were sentient here.

I was drowning this disturbing train of thought with a nice cup of morning cocoa when Pinkie asked, “Do you think Lee liked sleeping with Twilight last night?”

To my credit, I briefly faltered in my drinking. I knew for several reasons that there had been no frick-fracking, chief of which being conscious for most of the last night. No, the comedic cliché of the 'false bombshell drop' wasn't the issue here, at least not on my end.

Covered in the spluttered remains of Setton's breakfast, I sat in cool silence for few moments, then calmly peered over the rim of my sunglasses. "...that was a terrible waste of a muffin," I deadpanned.

Setton ignored this comment as he jumped to a lot of conclusions. “That...that...asshole!” he swore in a mix of anger and disbelief. “Did he seriously...”

As he began ranting about the matter, I wondered if he realized there were two Twilights in this world, and whether he would think to ask which one Pinkie was referring to. This crossed my mind just as Lee stepped into the room, an oblivious morning-person's smile on his face. “Wow, breakfast smells delicious - ” he started.

That was all he could manage before Setton tackled him.

My palm went on a collision course with my face.

**

[3rd Person POV]

“So that's it? That's all that happened?”

Lee sighed, finally able to enjoy his pancakes. "I merely shared a sleeping bag with the mare. No more, no less," he firmly stated. Which was a bit of a lie, because Twilight tried to join his shower. It did not end well for either party, and it was either a miracle or a bad omen that no one noticed.

Lee frowned suddenly. “Why did you tackle me?” he asked.

Setton rubbed his neck sheepishly. “Er...no good reason, now that I think about it...”

In the back of Setton's mind, Orion spoke up. 'Oh really? Then explain all these fantasies I found over here about the two of you...'

Setton fought to keep his body, or rather one member of it, from betraying his thoughts. It had been a while since the technically dead pegasus had 'spoken,' so Setton was doubly spooked. 'Put those things back where they came from, or so help me!'

He felt strange when Aurora smacked Orion, but Setton thanked her anyway.

Lee eyed the pink pony sitting across from him. "You knew about them from the get-go," he stated matter-of-factly.

Pinkie smiled, rapping her noggin with a hoof. "Pinkie Sense!" she said cheerily. “For all your friend-making needs. It also helps to read the script, of course!” She looked around for a moment before continuing in a stage-whisper. "Don't worry, your secrets are safe with me. Almost nopony knows about who came with you."

Silias took another sip of his cocoa. “Who else knows?” he asked casually.

“For starters –” the mare started before a 'ding!' derailed the train of thought. “Ooh! That reminds me – I need to drop off some muffins! Be back in a few paragraphs!”

And with that line, she made herself scarce. How she managed to do so is beyond me, and I'm the freaking narrator.

Setton looked dumbfounded – at the information given, not Pinkie's antics. I'd like to say it was due to his understanding of the fandom's collective unconscious, but he just wasn't looking. “...who would know?” he asked. “Last I checked, those three all had invisibility spells over them.”

Silias looked at him for a moment and downed the last of his cocoa thoughtfully. “I can think of a dozen ways one would find out. If we really want to find out, you and I will just have to investigate.” With that, he made for the door, gesturing for Setton to follow.

Setton blinked and looked at Lee in uncertainty. The Silvertongue swallowed a mouthful of pancakes and waved him on. “Don't worry about me, I'll catch up with you guys later,” Lee said.

Setton nodded at him, then made to follow Silias. Lee kept at his breakfast as their voices grew farther and farther away from Sugarcube Corner. A few moments passed in silence, and he sighed deeply.

The mare poked her head from somewhere behind the fourth wall. "I'm back! Need anything?"

“Actually, I do.” Lee cleared his throat. "I was wondering about the human settlement – how would I get there?"

The pink pony smiled and waved a hoof. "Pfft, that's easy - just prove that you can't be trusted around ponies!"

Lee raised a brow. "True, but I'd prefer just getting directions.”

Pinkie gave him a funny look. Not 'ha ha' funny, but funny 'weird'. "Oh. You're serious.” Her hair drooped, and Lee nearly choked on his last pancakes.“Why do you want to go to such a boring place anyway? Don't you like Ponyville?" Pinkie asked.

Lee scrambled to explain himself. "No, no, I like Ponyville, really. I don't want to buy real estate out there or anything, but I wanted to see the place for myself."

Pinkie gave a quick giggle as her mane returned to normal. "Why didn't you just say so? I can take you there in a jif!"

"I wouldn't want to impose -" Lee started, before Pinkie tackled him into a peanut-butter sandwich.

When he was certain that they had left, Mr. Cake entered the room and stared at the sandwich. He then inspected it carefully, almost expecting it to explode or something, and proceeded to take a cautious bite. After a few seconds of thoughtful chewing, his face brightened.

“Hey honey!” he called out to the front of the store. “I've got six words for our lunch menu: peanut butter and cotton candy sandwiches!”

******

Luna was secretly enjoying this.

No, not the fact that Celestia was chasing her newest friend around the castle. But while one princess was running though the castle, the other was sitting on the throne. Sure, that meant she was handling the Day Court – and a particularly droll party of the nobles – but the throne high almost made this feel like a summer picnic with her closest friend.

“I'm so glad that you feel so optimistic about these tax shifts, Your Majesty,” Blueblood beamed. “Now if I could just get your approval on these documents, perhaps we can finally have a more balanced –”

Sadly for our favorite pseudo-royal, and all straight beings on his planet, a fully armored contingent of the Royal Guard flattened him. With the singular thought of 'WHAT' running through her mind, Luna directed her gaze at the ceiling. “...the hell...?” she murmured.

Suddenly, The Beast stuck his head through a tear in the ceiling, surveying the ponies below. He made a seething sound with his glitch of a mouth. “My bad!” he called down. “I'd try to help you to your hooves, but I'm a little busy evading your other ruler at the moment.”

“Where are you~?” a familiar voice crooned from the rift, and The Beast winced.

“Speak of the devil...” he muttered. He then noted Luna sitting on the throne and stuck his right hand through the portal. He extended his thumb and pinkie finger, and held them to the side of his head with a wiggle. Finally, he drew back as the oddly door-shaped rift closed.

As this sequence of events drew to a close, this fandom's second-favorite butt-monkey groaned in pain. A certain guardpony looked at Blueblood and shrugged. “Eh, you'll be fine after the next scene break.”

“Thank you for your...assurance...Wall Breaker the Fourth,” Blueblood wheezed from beneath the pile of guards, whom Wall Breaker was oddly not a part of.

“Now with that done, I have to get to my other duties.” He suddenly winked in a direction where no other pony was standing. “See you near the end of the chapter,” he told some unseen audience, and promptly went off-screen.

Luna sat there in silence for a good five minutes, trying to process this all. The only words that coherently passed her lips were:

“Did The Beast just make the human gesture for...'call me?'”

******

When Lee was able to comprehend his surroundings, he let out a low whistle. The mention of the settlement had piqued his interest, but the sight captured his attention.

The streets were paved with cobblestone, at least in the square he was standing in, and multiple wooden stalls stood with varying foodstuffs on display, with people of all creeds standing around and behind them.

No two buildings seemed to be from the same architect, as Renaissance-styles clashed with modern offices and Western saloons. It looked as though a time traveler plucked his favorite haunts from a scrapbook and dropped them haphazardly into a clearing.

It was magnificent.

Lee looked around the city lying under the beautiful blue sky, wholly unmarked by pollution. "You called this boring?" Lee asked in shock.

Pinkie was mystified by the sight as well. "That was before the first story was retconned. And even then, our author didn't describe this place the first time it was a setting," she said with a distant gaze. “It was just a vague backdrop he used for spotlighting the creation of Princess Celestia's giant tentacle monster.” She looked at Lee and beamed. "But I like what this guy's done with the place!"

Lee's response was lost as several explosions went off, drawing his gaze to the north. Pinkie, for her part, seemed enraptured by this development. “AND THEY NOW USE FIREWORKS TO GREET PONIES?” she screeched, blowing out the eardrums of an unfortunate passerby.

Lee's eyes narrowed as alarm fugelhorns went off in his head. Then he proceeded to roll them as he mentally told off Discord for swapping his alarm bells with fugelhorns. Without losing too much of his composure, Lee managed, “Hate to say this Pinkie, but somehow I doubt they'd light fireworks at 9AM.”

A manic cackle entered the square. “Allahu Ackbar, bitches!”

Another explosion was punctuated by a pained cry of, “My cabbages!”

An older, familiar voice was shouting louder than the others. “All officers in the area, contain that crazy bastard!”

The owners of the voices came into view (except the cabbage guy, who was mourning his produce off-screen) and Lee's eyes widened. “Wait, isn't that...?”

Shots rang out, shattering Lee's train of thought as he dove behind a vendor's booth. He would have dove towards Pinkie, but she seemed to have gone somewhere else. 'Hang on. Where did she...oh. She's inside that 1950's styled candy store. Well, she's sticking halfway out of it, but it's still better cover than what I've got,' Lee noted flippantly.

The gunfire stopped as quickly as it began. Lee looked out to see a guy in a tracksuit – owner of the first voice – get dog-piled by several policemen. There was one man who had caught his attention, the one whose gleaming badge designated him as a detective. His weathered skin was the color and texture of leather, and stood a good half a foot taller than Lee. Lee carefully walked out from behind the booth. “Marcus Kain? Is that really you?” he called out.

The detective regarded the Silvertongue with considerable surprise in his cerulean eyes. “Lee Richards? How did you...” The detective glanced around for a moment, then shook his head. “Actually, while I'd love to find out which eldritch asshole you pissed off in order to get here, I'm a little busy at the moment.”

Lee glanced at the restrained and bleeding man being read his Miranda rights. “I can see that,” he deadpanned. “What's his deal, anyway?”

Detective Marcus Kain rubbed his eyes wearily. “We're reasonably certain that he's part of this one nameless yet well-organized cult... that keeps switching objectives between helping humanity and fucking it sideways.”

“Like the Nazis?”

Detective Kain shook his head. “We're fairly certain no Nazis are living here yet, so if it was Nazis, they'd have to be holed up in an underground complex or something. And that would be unlikely.” His attention was diverted by an officer whispering into his ear. Nodding, he turned back to Lee. “Give me a moment to try interrogating this guy, then we'll talk.”

The cultist was handcuffed to a pipe in the nearby alley, idly pulling at his restraints while looking around. Detective Kain moved in front of him and stood there for a moment. “First and foremost, we can cut you a deal here. We'll put in a good word at your hearing if you tell us who your contact is, and where can we find them.”

The tracksuited cultist coughed up some blood. “Alright, fine,” he began slowly. “Around the corner from here, there's a pharmacy. Ask the guy at the counter for some of those little eyeglass repair tools, and it'll help you go SCREW YOURSELF!” The cultist then began cackling at his own joke.

The air around the detective seemed to drop several degrees, which mildly confused the pegasus on weather duty. “Listen. We know you had help with getting that many bombs. Tell us who you're working for!” Marcus snarled.

Even with his wounds, the cultist held a manic glint in his eyes. “You know, this is pretty damn funny. You not only think your wrinkly ass intimidates me, but that my boss would let me live if you did! But you know what, Detective Dipshit? I hate this shitty town – and my boss! – so you want your precious lead? Fine.”

The cultist pulled a lighter from somewhere on his person and promptly went up like a Christmas tree. “Now I'm on fucking FIRE, your info's free game! The ones who sent me were... underground Naaaazzzzziiiiiisssss...”

The detective looked at the smoldering corpse for a moment in silence. He finally looked up into the face of one of his subordinates. “Officer West. Call the morgue to pick up the body, and tell HQ it wasn't Sunhorse. Also, as of right now I'm calling in a sick day.” Marcus looked around before continuing in a lower voice. “Then I want you to find Schrödinger, have him meet me in my office at 2100 hours.”

The officer gave a quick salute and sped off to the station. Marcus sighed and left the alleyway.

As he came back into view, Lee caught the look on Marcus' face and frowned. “How bad was it?”

Marcus sighed deeply. “Lee, by some jackass twist of fate, it's the fucking Nazis. Underground Nazis, no less.”

Lee grimaced. “Sorry to hear that.”

Marcus waved him off. “Don't be – while their involvement in my town pisses me off, I'm just glad it wasn't something to do with Sunhorse for once. Like that giant tentacle monster.” The man shivered at the memory, but moved past the trauma. “But enough about me, what the hell have you been up to?”

*****

[Silias' POV]

“Silias?”

I didn't bother turning my head. “Yes, Setton?”

“You said you wanted to ask around about, but...” Setton gestured to the large red building to the north, “If that's what we're really doing, then why are we staying within constant view of the schoolhouse?” he asked pointedly.

I wondered if he would spot that before the time came. Barring that breakfast incident, the kid does have a sharp mind. “Because I'm going to be supervising Scootaloo once school has ended,” I answered.

Setton's head tilted a bit, regarding me curiously. “Okay. Why's that?”

“Simple. There's a list for those who can act as child supervisors each day. I volunteered, and I was assigned to keep an eye out for her and her friends,” I explained. What I didn't tell him is that list was designed with Scootaloo in mind. Technically, I was able to volunteer for the position because they needed to make sure the restraining order Scootaloo had against Rainbow Dash was being upheld.

Setton considered this for a moment. “So we're on Cutie Mark Crusader damage control.”

“Precisely,” I lied. If anything, I had filed this under 'Rainbow Dash Watch Duty,' based on what the Mayor told me last night. Though I had a bad feeling that Setton was right. The sound of the schoolhouse's bell snapped me from that train of thought. I tapped Setton on the shoulder and gestured towards the schoolhouse. “Come on. Community service awaits.”

As we closed the distance between us and the schoolhouse, we found ourselves oddly alone. Setton decided to strike up a more sensitive conversation. “Why did you leave me and Twilight in a group by ourselves? When we split up earlier, I mean.”

I slowed my pace a bit and frowned at the question. “I don't follow,” I lied.

“You left me alone with a sex-crazed pony in a potentially infinite library. She could have jumped my bones at any time and that would've been the end of me. Why did you do that?”

“Because that danger didn't exist at the time,” I replied with a bit more force than necessary. “Biblio was acting as a beacon for your position in the Peisistratos at all times, keeping me updated on which Doors you were using. He also was instructed to call in the calvary if she did make a move.”

Setton stared at me for a moment. “What calvary?”

“The two thousand bone spiders I had him ask to act as your backup. And before you say anything about being excessive, that's the standard amount allocated to any major section in the library.” It wasn't, but he didn't need to know that it was a hundred times more than the norm.

Setton's face went crimson, though God (and Setton's book, I suppose) only knows why. “Nice to hear that you care so much,” he muttered. And the rest of the hike was in silence.

****

[3rd Person POV – Lee]

Marcus whistled. “And here I thought I had my work cut out for me. You do realize that it'll be like looking for a needle in a stack of needles, right?”

Lee nodded. “It may take a while, but it won't be that daunting for long. You see –”

An oddly familiar tune drifted through the streets towards them, but the odd architecture distorted Lee's sense of where it was coming from.

Lee raised a brow in confusion, his previous train of thought broken. “Who's playing that music?” he asked as his gaze sweeped the square.

Marcus listened for a moment and nodded. “Yeah, I recognize that voice. It's Joss playing another one of his ballads. He plays in the North Courtyard every three days.”

Lee glanced at him as they walked in the direction of the music. “Why every three days?”

“Well, usually it's safer for him to be out there whenever Mask☆Demasque is in charge of the town.” Noting Lee's baffled expression, the detective elaborated. “Our settlement switching between leaders each day was Sunhorse's decree. It's literally the stupidest way to run a place like this, but I'm reasonably certain was the plan from the get-go.”

“Wait, who's Mask☆Demasque?”

“Our nickname for the masked mayor. No one actually knows their identity, but they seem to like the moniker.”

Lee was about to ask about that in more detail, but they had reached the Courtyard in question. Sitting near an outdoor pub was a man with an acoustic guitar, and he had the attention of a number of the patrons and passerby.

He strummed the strings once and began to sing. “Bass! Vinyl Scratch and Bass!”

“They robbed from the rich and they gave to the poor,
Stood up to the Trump and they gave him what for!
Our love for them now ain't hard to explain,
the heroes of Canton, our Vinyl and Bass!”

Lee froze in place as the lyrics began to process. “You have got to be kidding me...”

“Now Bass saw the padders' backs breaking,
And he saw the padders lament.
Then he saw old Donald Trump taking
Every dollar and leaving five cents.

Vinyl said: 'You can't do that to these people!
You can't crush them under your heel!'
So Bass strapped 'er on his back and in five seconds flat
Stole everything The Donald had to steal.”

Lee looked incredulously at Marcus, who was listening to the song with amusement. “Padders?” he questioned. “And what's this about Donald Trump?”

Marcus spared him a glance. “Rice fields are our main trade ticket with the rest of the world, kind of why we were able to finance this place. The day after he got here, however, Trump had made this casino district that would make Doctor Robotnik drop his jaw. Then made it mandatory to play at a casino on days his administration was in effect,” Marcus huffed. “And yes, he was chosen by Sunhorse to be a mayor, so one third of the month he's lining his pockets with everyone else's hard-earned wages.”

“Now here is what separates heroes
From common folk like you and I:
Bless Vinyl and Bass, they came o'er this place
And let that money hit sky!

Lee sighed. “We've barely been here twenty four hours,” here he gestured to Joss, “and in that time-frame, the baby Legstep gets his own freaking ballad.”

Marcus shrugged. “Weirder things have happened in this town,” he admitted. He looked up to see the new arrivals in the square. “Sing of the devils...”

“They robbed from the rich and they gave to the poor,
Stood up to the Trump and they gave him what for!
Our love for them now ain't hard to explain,
the heroes of Canton, bless Vinyl and Bass!”

The entire courtyard sang the last line at full volume, bursting into raucous cheers at the very end. Of course, this could have been directed at the Dubstep Duo making it hail. After about a small mortgage's worth was distributed, Lee's eyes fell to the shield at Marcus' hip.

The detective got the message and smiled. “I'm not going to arrest them, Lee. Even if I wanted to – which I don't –non-humans cannot be tried for any crimes perpetrated in the city limits - that means no gryphons, no minotaurs, no dragons, no ponies, and no Legsteps can be prosecuted. The rule also applies to our mayors, so I can't toss Trump's slimy ass in jail.”

Marcus' expression hardened. “Of course, that means that humans can't defend themselves against any outside threats. We had a serial killer a few months back that killed a few dozen people. To make matters worse, it turned out to be one of the goddamn Elements of Harmony.” Marcus seemed to age a few years with the memory. “That was an utter nightmare for my department, and that's saying something when our regular crap takes a mountain of self-contradicting paperwork.”

Lee's eyebrows shot up. “Out of curiosity, which of the Elements was committing those murders?” he asked slowly.

Marcus looked at Lee as if he was insane. “Who else? Fluttershy.”

[/hr]

The Beast paused as he exited the most recent of the rifts. There it was again. That presence meant only one creature, and there was no mistaking his authenticity. The Beast turned to see him standing near another of the castle's spatial shortcuts. The figure stood motionless for a moment, and the soft thump of a book closing echoed in the room. Nodding to the Fear, the figure motioned for the Beast to follow him down the rabbit hole.

The Beast found himself in the midst of a dark, dreary place that most mortals would come to expect of such a venue. Frigid metal bars and clammy masonry, well-worn chains with surprisingly little age, and dancing flames to provide illumination.

Though true to those cliches, the palace dungeons also housed one Big Damn Royal Coffee Machine.

Ignoring it for now, the Beast swept his gaze to track the figure moving thoughtfully along the cells. Lengthening his stride, the Beast quickly arrived to the side of he who led him here, and matched his pace effortlessly. They walked in silence for some time before he spoke.

“I was wondering how long it would be before you showed yourself.”

A hint of a smile found it way into the response. “And what gave me away?”

“I felt the library acknowledge your presence, just before those children manifested themselves out of the boy.”

The dungeons were met with the alien sound of a chuckle. “I shouldn't have expected any less of you.”

The Beast gestured to the dungeons around them. “Onto the matter at hand, why are we having this conversation, and here of all places? I noticed a room upstairs that would have better fit your tastes,” he pointed out.

The Fear at the Beast's side barely broke stride with his answer. “It's simple. We're going to stop walking in front of a door. Hopefully, you'll take its contents.”

The Beast pondered this for a moment. “You wish me to add yet another piece to your board,” he realized.

The old Fear shrugged. “If you wish to call it that...”

The rest of the walk was in silence, until the Beast heard music coming from a speaker glued to the cell door. The Beast looked at it incredulously. “In The Cage by Genesis? Was that really necessary-”

But his companion had vanished.

The Beast picked up the key hanging over the cell, and placed it in the lock. “You never change, Tiresias,” he mused quietly.

Then the door swung open, and light began to fall upon the room's occupant.

[/hr]

[Silias' POV]

Ever hear the phrase, 'Pyrrhic victory?'

Rewind about twenty-five minutes, back to where Setton was trying to convince the Crusaders that a demon-summoning cutie mark wasn't the best thing to shoot for. See, they asked us if we could help them crusade – to find out what they're good at in life – and I was all for helping them. Setton tried to tell me that it was like the story of Sisyphus, but sadly for him I decided to play the part of the 'fun chaperone.'

First up was rocketeering. It seemed a little out of the blue to me, but I learned that the native Applejack has some impressive engineering skills. The final rig was a masterpiece...until the test pilot blew up an abandoned house. No marks for any of them in multiple respects, which certainly proved Lee's immortality theory. Scootaloo was the pilot.

Later, they decided to shoot for marksmanship (badumtiss). Missed all of the targets lined up against the broad side of a barn, and proceeded to miss that spectacularly. They accidentally shot some apples off the trees (somehow) so there's potential there.

But back to demons. What started off as a joke at Sweetie Belle's expense ended up becoming a serious discussion, and it was a good thing I was there. I was able to give them some pointers on how to handle one, since they decided to go through with it – salt's effectiveness as a barrier, how demons react to the Lord's Name, how to bless your own holy water, the works. Setton cracked after about twenty minutes of my teaching, which is understandable given what I doing at that point.

“What the hell do you think you're doing?” Setton hissed at me.

I had taken the time to mix some salt, iron fillings, and goober dust into a bucket of red paint, which I was using on the only slab of asphalt in Ponyville.

“I'm showing them how to make a demon trap,” I replied as casually if I was making a sandwich.

“I can see that you're making a demon trap,” he seethed. “But WHY are you showing them how to do it?”

I looked over to the girls for a moment, who for their age were taking phenomenal notes of the demon trap. “Because if they're going to do this kind of thing, the least I can do is make sure they're armed with the right tools.” I went back to inscribing the protection runes along the outer circle, taking great care not to smudge the paint as I did so.

“Summoning agents of Tartarus isn't something a responsible caretaker teaches to children.”

“Actually, it is. At least in this case.” I paused as I completed the trap. “Alright, Crusaders. We'll give this a few more minutes to finish drying, then you'll get to summon your first demon. Now, have you got your protection charms?”

“Check!” Sweetie Belle confirmed.

“Book's open to your summoning chant?”

Scootaloo held up the pages in question. “Check!”

“Emergency salt, goofer dust, and holy water?”

Applebloom was holding them in her saddlebags, which she wiggled gently. Someone died of cuteness somewhere in the background. “Check, check, and check!”

I put on my best 'proud John Winchester' face. “They grow up so fast,” I said with pride.

Setton stared daggers into me. “You're summoning a god damn demon–”

“Into a trap that would take a supernatural nuke to bring down.” I spread my arms out to nothing in general. “I'm supportive, but I'm not stupid.”

Setton looked around before sighing. “If this goes south, you'd better hope they take your health insurance,” he said, clearly resigned.

I met his gaze for a moment. “Setton, if any of this went wrong, health insurance would be the least of our worries. But we'll be fine, I swear.”

Setton made a motion of washing his hands before ducking into an alleyway.

Applebloom looked at me oddly. “Are ya SURE this is safe?” she asked uneasily.

“I've done this before so many times, I joined Hell's Reward Club: 'summon seven demons, get a hellhound free.'” I looked around before continuing in a stage-whisper. “By the way, remind me to tell you about how to obtain one as a guardian.”

Suddenly, there was a commotion coming from the south, sounding incredibly loud and incredibly close. I was about to ignore it, but then I remembered which way Setton had gone. “Girls, I'm going to go check on Setton. I'll just be a moment.” I made my way over to the alleyway, and stepped onto a side street.

The moment I emerged, everything went to Hell.

Setton was standing in front of a gray-coated pegasus mare. Her eyes were wide, and I could immediately see that they were off. Pentagrams were practically burned into her irises and corneas, and were locked on Setton's eyes. Neither of them were moving, but they seemed to still be breathing.

I frowned as I remembered Biblio's work on him, and realized just how much trouble he was in. Judging by the trance they seemed to be in, he performed a Soulgaze. See, eyes being the windows to the soul isn't an old wives' tale. If you have the talent, then you can know exactly what they're made of. Everything from mild depression to demonic possession is laid bare, and neither party can stop that. Furthermore, the memory of a Soulgaze is supposed to become permanent in both minds.

Now, normally this wouldn't be a problem. The average person's soul could be anywhere from H.H. Holmes to Mahatma Ghandi, but it wouldn't drive you insane so long as you steered clear of a Soulgaze with your not-so-average person. Like a Fear, or in this case a seer.

I took as close a look as I dared into those eyes, watching their patterns dance before it clicked. Dad told me about these eyes, a long time ago. He told me that of all the things you didn't want running around in someone's mind, it was another person who couldn't stop the flow of information. Let me clarify this for those at the back of the class. Her gaze could pierce skin, stone, time, and even the Void.

What scared me was that while she was looking at Setton, Setton was in her mind. While she was learning everything about what he was, is, and would be, so would he. And he would never forget it...

Unless...

I called out to the bone spiders still in the library, and they heeded me without flinching. I felt my consciousness split between my body and theirs, rocketing them towards where his Book was located in the Peisitratos. A wall of ivory surged through the ageless archive, startling the hell out of a strange girl in one of the sections. I paid her little mind as I forced them onwards. His Book was shaking violently, and without hesitation I ordered them to open it.

It was worse than I feared.

Knowledge of whose blood he shared, whose blood he would spill, and the nature of the blood running in his veins.

Knowledge of the Fallen and his Crusade, the Prophesy of Ink and Song, and a resurrected messiah of the weaklings.

Knowledge of my Father, and of his hand in all of this.

And so much more.

I forced the spiders into overdrive. I forced them to erase, obfuscate, sew, and even tear out pages from his book of memories. I fought those memories with over a thousand bone spiders at once, pushing myself to limits I never dared to push before. I didn't even care that mare was staring at me, jaw on the ground as I pushed more and more of my mind into saving Setton's. I pulled out every trick I had learned from my Father, even improvising several times, and after what felt like centuries I finally released my hold on the bone spiders.

The effect upon me was immediate, and I felt one hell of a headache coming on. Reflecting upon the experience, I wondered if Salmacis felt like that whenever she moved her Camper about. I then dropped that thought as pain throbbed in my head.

Meanwhile, the fruits of my labors came to his senses. Setton blinked and looked around. “What the hell was I just doing?” he asked blankly.

I stumbled over to him and, without saying a word, wrapped him in a hug. He was surprised for a moment, but his recovery time was not too shabby. “Um...not that I'm against hugging, but why are you acting like this?”

“My sense of balance is shot, and I don't want to fall on my face,” I half-lied into his shoulder. “Give me a minute, and I'll be fine.”

Setton blinked – or at least I thought he did – and peered over me. “...okay, but why is Ditzy Do staring at you so intensely? It's like she's looking at Cthulu or something.”

I laughed a little bit. “Let's just say I might have done something to deserve it,” I said in a low tone. I realized that he had to have noticed her eyes from that position, and inspiration struck. Wihtout raising my voice, I continued. “With those pentagrams on her eyes, her eyesight surpasses 20/20, that's a given. I'm reasonably certain she can see my past.”

Setton remembered what he had learned of my time in the Ceeverse and winced. “I think whatever you saw back then broke her. It would explain why she got stuffed into a bag marked 'Patient Transport.'”

I thought he was joking, but I turned to see a few ponies hogtying Ditzy's already captured form. “Gee, they work fast,” I quipped darkly.

Setton had a mix of sorrow and something else on his face. “Actually...my guess is they were chasing her long before that,” he said haltingly. “They have to have a good reason, but I have to wonder why they're carting her off to an insane asylum.”

My mind flashed to those eyes of hers. I knew exactly why. That kind of knowledge isn't meant for mortal minds. Hell, my Father has access to that kind of knowledge, and he had a death wish for a good chunk of his life. I didn't say any of this out loud, but I reminded him that the CMC were waiting for us on that other street.

[POV: 3rd person, The Beast]

The Beast managed to leave the city of Canterlot without a single pony panicking. Well, ONE pony panicked during his escape, but that was a special case we'll address in a moment.

A bright flash filled his vision, and it was soon replaced by a familiar form. Despite the suddenness of the arrival, The Beast addressed it calmly. “I trust you found my note,” he began. “Princess Celestia.”

The solar regent's face was unreadable. “And I see that you treated yourself to a souvenir,” she replied.

Encased in his branches was the object in question, and The Beast nodded once in its direction. “I believed this would suit my needs. And I take it you have no objections to this arrangement.”

“None that come to mind. That chase was some of the most fun I've had in centuries, and it's clear from your choice of prize that you have interesting tastes.” Celestia responded with a wicked smile. “Perhaps when you've had your fill of that fragile thing, you'd prefer something to indulge yourself with something a little more...durable...” she purred.

“I imagine it would be a pleasurable experience.” The Beast said with a tip of his hat. “I shall keep your offer in mind, should I return to this place.”

The regal mare waved a hoof dismissively. “It doesn't matter if it's in my chambers or in the middle of the human colony.” Her eyes gleamed with the aura of a certain Deadly Sin. “I would gladly take the time to show you a good one, Beast.” And with that, she was gone.

The Beast walked southwards, following the path the chariot took hours earlier. As he traversed the fields between him and his destination, The Beast delicately unwrapped the cocoon he had made to shield his prize. “So, little one,” he addressed it. “Now that we have some time to ourselves, we should begin with the basics. What should I call you?”

“...my name is –”

Lee sat contently at the table, sipping a glass of chocolate milk. Marcus assured him that drinks would be way more affordable than usual, and 'the really good stuff' would be in stock, but Lee preferred not to drink alcohol for the time being. His abilities relied on clear speech, unless Discord took the wheel...and Lee did not want to call the rainbow friendship death ray on his ass.

“I wager that giant stone foot has something to do with the balance of power,” he commented idly.

Sitting across from him was a blue unicorn mare nursing a double brandy in her hooves. “That only gets built when Kim Jong-Il is in charge. He's egotistical, sure, but I'd rather be working for him.” She took a swig of the honest to God flagon she held. “Hell, anyone would be better at this point.”

Lee steepled his fingers. “That reminds me, someone told me about you working with Donald Trump.”

“FOR. I work for Donald now,” she corrected icily. “I've been reduced to a secretary of all things.” The Buzzed and Pissed Off Trixie began to do impressions of her boss. “'Trixie, run out and fetch me some coffee.' 'Trixie, I need to see our profit margins.' 'Trixie, I want to do missionary this time.' Believe me when I say I hate every minute of it.”

Lee was glad he wasn't drinking at that point, but unfortunately Discord sprayed cola over their shared mindscape. Lee felt weird when this happened, but he soon realized the reason behind the improbable spit-take. Apparently a tableau of Trixie's woes manifested in his minds' eye, and the spirit caught himself in the middle of summoning a bottle of lotion. He threw that idea out as too predictable and instead summoned hand sanitizer.

Forcing that lovely image out of his mind as quickly as possible – much to Discord's disappointment – Lee focused on Trixie once more. “So if you hate the job so much, why don't you just look somewhere else?”

Trixie looked at him as if he was incredibly dense. “You don't get many offers of employment after messing with all six Elements. Besides, Donald has the actual ability to pay me, unlike most of the humans in this colony.” Her expression darkened again. “Though I really want to get even with someone. I don't know who yet, but I really want to dish out some revenge on someone.”

“Then go for it.”

Trixie stopped and really looked at Lee for a moment. “Really?”

Lee nodded. He looked around the plaza before continuing. “Just so you know, ponies can't be tried for crimes committed in the colony,” he whispered.

Trixie's eyes shot wide. “As in...?” she asked quietly.

“Within the colony limits.”

Trixie murmured to herself. “This gives me a lot of options...” She stood up shakily and extended a forehoof. “Thank you. This was a good talk...”

“Lee.”

Trixie nodded. “Lee. You're one of the few humans who hasn't come up to me for a marriage proposal, nor have you been like Donald Trump. You and Obama are cool in my book,” she said, not realizing how many Republicans she pissed off in the comments. “Now all I need to do is decide how to go about this revenge...” she muttered as she left the plaza.

By the time she was gone, Lee found himself surrounded by bronies. “...can I help you?” he asked.

The most cringeworthy brony you would never want to imagine – and I refuse to describe him further to spare the last meal in your system – stood forwards and pointed at Lee. “Give us your hand,” he ordered. It came out as a sweaty wheeze, which was hardly as intimidating as he would have imagined.

Lee raised a brow. “Why?”

“We want your hand so we can make Trixie clones from the DNA on it.”

Lee stood his ground. While still sitting at the table. Occasionally sipping at his chocolate milk with the hand Trixie shook, just to make them twitch. “If anything, you'd probably make some weird anthropomorphic amalgamation of us,” he said after a while. “Assuming you learned how to clone things here.”

The bronies huddled for a moment. “We have no objections to this arrangement,” the Neckbeard announced.

Marcus reloaded his gun from behind the group, scaring their love-handles off. This made a concentrated, flabby hailstorm that the detective emerged from unfazed. “You don't. But I do. Sethisto, you and your boys best get out of here before I am authorized to call Billy Mays. Again.”

The bronies paled. “I don't want to get on the ball,” one whispered in horror. The terrified men fled and left a trail of Mountain Dew and Doritos, which scavengers quickly scooped up.

Lee nodded at Marcus. “Thanks, man.”

“Anytime.” Marcus holstered his gun and gave the bartender a tip. “By the way, didn't you say that Pinkie Pie came with you?”

Lee paused. “I have a feeling I know where she is...”

But then he was interrupted by a peculiar figure. “Oh, good – I made it here with plenty of time,” he said to some unseen listener.

Lee looked at the pony with a dazed expression. The only detail he could pin down was a nametag that read “Wall-Breaker the Fourth,” while the rest was a bit wonky. “Why does your form keep shifting?”

The...pony...looked himself over. “Oh, so you noticed. A little creative difficulties on the author's ends. Your author – my creator, by the way – intended me to be a pegasus with more maroon-ish tones, but the author of this universe wanted me to look like Shining Armor without a horn. I'm a little bit weird right now thanks to a stubborn lack of retconning on either end.”

Lee stared at him for a moment, processing this information. Discord felt like the pony was overcompensating for something. The Silvertongue ignored this, then decided to go for broke and speak the pony's language: Shameless Meta. “And your purpose in this scene is what, exactly?”

Marcus gave Lee a warning look. “This is Wall-Breaker the Fourth, appointed by Sunhorse to oversee the city –”

“Ironically, a human's idea,” Wall-Breaker the pegasus cut in. “Though not one from around here...”

“...and he probably came up to us because he wanted a situation report on those cultists,” the off-duty detective continued, ignoring the interruption. He had put up with Wall-Breaker long enough to ignore the pained screams of the Fourth Wall being mutilated.

The currently pegasus official pointed a hoof at Marcus. “True, those cultists are high on my priority list, but I also wanted to keep my promise.” He looked in a random direction and smiled. “See that, readers? I'm a stallion of my word.”

Lee raised a brow. “Your name really sells you short,” he noted, “or perhaps you take it too seriously.”

Wall-Breaker rolled his now Earth Pony hoof from side to side. “I feel you. By the way, it was also a human's idea to make me this meta. Your author was originally going to be more subtle about it, but a human just went overboard with the concept in Obama Returns. Your author then said, and I quote, 'Fuck it.' So here I am.”

Lee looked over at Marcus, who sighed but said nothing. “Oh, and you may be getting a Tragedy tag soon.”

Lee's head whipped back to the pegasus(?), who continued unabated. “Your buddy Silias is going to need a lot of counseling if I didn't get a bum script.”

Lee's eyes shot wide. “Look, Marcus, I need to get back to Ponyville.”

Marcus lifted a brow. “...well, we both knew Silias was going to have problems when we figured out whose son he was. Truth be told, I think he'll be fine for the moment. But if you need to get back quickly, you can always –”

Pinkie tackled Lee into another sandwich.

“...get an eldritch party-planner to take you through a space-time anomaly?” Wall-Breaker suggested.

For once, the aging detective's jaw had dropped. “Yeah...I guess that works too...” he said. He then was in the mood for something strong.

Wall-Breaker kept pace with Marcus. “Ooh, I'll have a double brandy!”

I hope to Christ I don't have to narrate scenes with that guy again...

“I heard that!” Wall-Breaker called out.

Shit, he's really onto me. Quick, scene break!

When Lee popped out of subspace, he looked at Pinkie Pie. “Where were you all day?”

“Swapping candy recipes with Mister Hershey,” she reported with a smile. “Oh, and I got a bunch of these from Mister Johnson!” she said as she pulled a strange box out of her mane.

Lee looked at the label. “'24 Combustible Lemons?'” he read aloud, and then realized what he just did. Then Lee swore as 24 combustible lemon grenades began pelting him from the sky. By the time he could see straight Pinkie was gone, leaving a note in her place.

Lee read it to himself – silently – and raised a brow. He did as the note instructed and turned around...

...to find a siege in progress. It wasn't against a castle per se, as Ponyville didn't have one of those yet, but it was holding out the would-be invaders as if it was one.

Setton waved him over. “Hey, Lee, great timing! Give us a hand, will ya?”

Lee stared at the scene in front of him for a good long moment. “What the hell is going on here?” he asked dumbfounded.

“They're trying to steal what is rightfully mine!” cried the mare under siege, Rarity, from the roof of Carousel Boutique.

Setton gestured at her indignantly. “Hey, you have the Doctor, a freaking Time Lord, chained up in there like a sex slave!”

Rarity huffed at this response. “Not like a sex slave, darling. There's no doubt about the nature of his stay.”

Lee raised a brow. “And that is?”

“As my sex slave.”

Setton indicated Rarity with both arms. “See?”

Lee looked between Rarity and the three bipeds huddling behind a makeshift barricade. “You have a flipping Fear – scratch that, the Keanu Reeves of the Fears – on your side, and you're still not making headway?” he asked incredulously.

Silias sighed. “You would not believe the things she pulled off in the past several hours.”

“Try me.”

Silias described in great detail the strategies that were deployed by either side. Infiltrations pushed back by an ungodly amount of skill with a whip; an attempt to tunnel under ran into a magically diverted sewer system, the result of which called for an immediate hiatus by both sides; a Jell-O assault – and the list went on.

Lee looked over at Carousel Boutique. “Sounds like a lot of effort went into it. However...if the Doctor's involved, then so are fixed points in time...”

Setton didn't like where this was going.

“...meaning that, if you guys keep failing so spectacularly no matter what you do...”

“We are not intended to free him,” The Beast finished.

Silias threw his hands up. “Wonderful. This was a waste of everyone's time, then.”

“Not necessarily.” They looked up to see Rarity smiling. It was hella creepy, especially when she made her eyebrows dance. “I don't know about you boys, but I certainly worked up an appetite.” She then pulled a whip out of her ass wherever Pinkie stores her stuff, and went back inside. A minute passed, and there were faint sounds of snapping leather and Time Lord screams from within the building.

The branches on The Beast's back shivered, drawing Lee's attention. “Beast? What's that you're carrying?”

The Beast looked around before answering. “I would rather get out of the street before I reveal it,” he said after a moment. “Seeing as I am uncertain as to how those on the street would react.”

In the top room of Sugarcube Corner, The Beast revealed the contents of the branch cocoon. “I hope you do not object, but I intend to take this one with us when we leave.”

Setton took one look and fainted.

The unicorn mare looked at Setton in concern, then looked at herself in the mirror. “Do I really look that bad?” she asked no one in particular.

Lee tilted his head, regarding her earnestly. “A bit of malnutrition, some bruises, but nothing too horrifying,” he reported. He bent down next to Setton and gave him a quick once-over. “In my opinion, I think he recognized you and had a massive fangasm.”

Silias looked around briefly. “You know, maybe we should do a round of introductions...”

The mare waved a hoof. “The Beast told me your names while we traveled, but I guess I haven't mentioned mine.” She then extended a hoof in Silias' direction. “The name's Sunset. Sunset Shimmer.”

“The name's Silias Aeson,” he began, before Biblio popped up onto his shoulder. “And this here is Biblio, the bone spider.”

The bone spider in question skittered over Silias' outstretched arm and stopped briefly at Sunset's hoof. He looked almost as if he was sniffing it for a moment, then continued up Sunset's leg. To Lee's surprise, the unicorn didn't object to this contact.

As if sensing this, Sunset looked over at Lee. “I've seen weirder things that were a lot less friendly,” she explained as Biblio played with her hair.

Lee then looked between the other bipeds, then asked Sunset if he could speak with them in private. When they were several paces away, Lee addressed the Beast. “So what's her story? Why do you want to take her with us?”

The Beast began to explain the situation in detail. Apparently her family had been used for the Royal Coffee Machine some time ago, after Sunset attempted to assassinate Princess Celestia. For years Sunset had been languishing in Canterlot's dungeons, subject to various kinds of torture and extreme kinks Celestia harbored.

Lee crossed his arms in thought. “From what I heard from Marcus, that's pretty run of the mill around here,” he pointed out. “But why choose her in particular?”

“Ah. Tiresias led me to the cell she was being held in. Then he asked me to take her when I left. Considering his nature, I thought it wise to see where this would lead.”

Silias' eyes went wide. “Do you know where he went?”

The Beast shook his head. Silias stared at Lee for a moment, and Lee held up his hands in surrender. He knew full well how Silias felt about Tiresias and his input, so it was no use trying to argue with the man.

Thus, our heroes gained another party member.

“Did somebody say –”

Not that kind of party.

“Darn!”

The Prologue: In Which Lee Accidentally Pulls A Henderson

"The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world."
- The G-Man

In the quiet town of Odenton, in the state of Maryland, Lee Richards read silently in his bed, poring over a fanfiction he printed out for the hell of it. He was fine with simply using his computer to find new reading materials, but he still enjoyed the comforting feel of paper in his hands. So he was willing to take the time to make himself a stapled, double-sided copy if he could avoid staring at a screen to get his literary fix.

He looked up briefly to inspect his bedroom door. A young man with the complexion (and figure) of a split pine tree and bright green eyes stared back at him from under a neatly combed head of raven hair.

Lee noted that he should shave soon, as what little stubble he had was beginning to show, before diving back into the written word.

He was enjoying himself with this particular fanfiction, as it was an interesting take on the "ordinary person gets thrown into the world of his favorite fandom" tales. The primary reason he gave this one a glance to begin was because his old buddy Setton had texted him the link.

"You're gonna like this one," he had sent. "Trust me, you'll laugh at this."

It had turned out to be surprisingly enjoyable, as Setton had testified. Currently, Lee found himself blazing through to the fifth chapter, having a merry time seeing this madness weave itself into a mental tapestry of black comedy.

Lee read the next passage silently to himself, and burst into laughter. "What the FUCK am I reading!?!" he roared to his empty apartment. He hadn't had so much fun with a fanfiction since he used Gizoogle to read Creepypastas. He found it amazing, to say the least, how well written it was given the subject matter, especially due to the refreshing spin on the fandom.

From what Lee had learned, there were a staggering amount of stories where some random human - usually an author avatar - gets to Equestria and proceeds to screw some proportion of the populace. Oh, there were certainly those who made an effort to make a serious story, and Lee appreciated their efforts, but the 'clop' was why he usually steered clear of the fandom's productions.

What surprised Lee was the fact that this story depicted a human who arrived in Equestria, only to find that the population is entirely female and insanely horny, and refused to indulge them.

Hence his interest.

Lee sighed. “Setton, you've got a sick taste of humor,” he said to himself, and paused. “I wonder if he missed the fridge horror.”

Lee shrugged this off, and went back to reading. Moments later, he found a line that made him stop cold, and he read it aloud.

"Justice thy name is BOOKCASE!" he cried as he hurled the mare away.

Lee put the fanfiction down, and began laughing like a madman.

In a galaxy far, far away, in a magical land called Equestria, a man named Alfonz just chucked a mare towards a bookcase. Specifically, the one who invited him into her tree/library/home not ten minutes prior.

Why would Alfonz be doing this to his host, who had allowed him to walk around Ponyville unmolested when his life was in peril? Well, perhaps the fact that she was planning to rape him until he flatlined had something to do with this, but that's neither here nor there.

What matters most about this toss is what the man chose to shout at that moment.

“Justice thy name is BOOKCASE!” Alfonz cried, sending a panicking Twilight Sparkle flying towards her own shelving. The poor mare was maddened with lust, but far from stupid – she knew quite well how this tableau would end, and closed her eyes to brace for the inevitable impact.

Only Twilight never made it that far. Mere nanoseconds before she would have hit the books (no pun intended), she vanished. There was no puff of smoke, no otherworldly or fantastical sound effect, nor even a flash of light. Her presence merely became an absence in the time it took to blink.

Alfonz stared in shock at the space where the molesting mare should have been before whipping his head around the room. He thought that she had just teleported out of view, waiting to ambush him, but after five minutes of nothing, he wasn’t so sure.

Where the hell did she go? he thought dazedly.

Alfonz thought about going outside, of fleeing the library before Murphy's Law kicked in. Then he remembered that he no longer had the boon of Twilight's invisibility spell to keep him safe from the town at large.

What he would say next would be so eloquent, that it would be repeated for years to come.

"To hell with that." With that said, Alfonz went to look for the kitchen.

In a galaxy far, far away, there was an ominous THUMP. This THUMP was followed by the sounds of rustling pages and smaller thumps, culminating in an odd shattering sound. And finally, there was silence.

'What the hell was that?' Lee wondered.

Author's Note

After putting it off for far too long, I've finally fixed the prologue. Now it no longer reflects my, how you say, 'fuckboy days' of FIMFiction. Considering the fact that this story has basically 500 views, I'm surprised that I didn't get more downvotes from what this used to be.

For those of you wondering about why this is titled as such, see the spoiler.

Given that the absence of Twilight royally fucks up the rest of Dawn of The First Day's canon-timeline, this prologue technically ranks One Henderson on the Henderson Scale of Plot Derailment.