Celestia, You Major Troll Part One
“Once Upon A Time in the slightly less boring land of Equestria- there were two alicorn sisters. One was the hot and sexy one that was totally not racist because she was white. And the other was a mountain troll of a pony that feasted on such terrifying things as the dew of mountains and a magical orange powdery food that tasted like cheese. One day when the white sister was getting some orgy time, the black one turned evil. Why? Cause black automatically makes you evil- just ask the state sponsored school system.”
“And so the black one turned emo and made the night last forever. But then, five minutes later, the white super alicorn blasted the evil with the deus ex machina rays of the Elements of Harmony and made the evil pony go to the moon for a thousand years for time out.”
“And so it is fated that on the thousandth party for her white and supremely talented sister, Nightmare Moon would return to ruin her sisters party. Cause she is totes a party hater.”
This Is How I Do It by Princess Celestia
A young Sunset Shimmer sat at attention for the fun about to start. Fleur Di Lis was her idol and she wanted to be ready for the magic show. She had scrounged a few coins each week for the last few months to save up enough for this birthday present to herself. The young filly ran her fingers nervously through her hair. As she watched, a spotlight was turned on and shone the light down upon a single unicorn. Her pink hair was draped across her face and she had a witch’s hat on her head. Her horn shone with her aura as her amplified voice echoed through the arena.
Sunset’s stomach growled. She skipped out a few dozen meals and while this was the happiest she had ever been since her parents died in that circus accident that involved elephants, a clown car, and a bowl of noodles- it also was her hungriest.
“Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to my show. I hope all of you enjoy the ride. I am Fleur Di Lis and my magic shall amuse.”
As Sunset watched, fireworks exploded in front of the magician and that was the beginning of Sunset’s favorite memory. Then the stage turned to chocolate and racist stereotypes of equine species did the dance of the Sugarplum Fairy. And it all began with Friendship and Magic and maybe some psychedelic drugs that made a rainbow land of multicolored ponies make logical sense.
“Ask Princess Celestia if LSD is in water supply.”
***
“Sunset! Wake up!”
Sunset’s eyes snapped opened. Her surroundings looked unfamiliar in her haze of sleep. Quickly steadying herself so she could find out who was screaming at her; she rolled over and was greeted with blinding sunlight. A small and annoying perk that came with being Celestia’s student- every day that Celestia brought made her groan as her ideal day of sleeping until noon and going to bed at six in the morning under a drunken haze was against all that Celestia held dear. All except the drinking part. The princess could drink her under the table,
“Boop. Celestia to Sunset.”
The alicorn was currently bopping Sunset on the nose and trying to get her up for the Celestial Sun Celebration. Only in its uncountable year, the CSC as ponies were in the habit of naming it, it was Celestia’s favorite day because it was her birthday. That meant she could be as tyrannical as she wanted since she got paid in cake. Cake was the tastiest of the alicorn food groups followed closely by orgies, booze, and ice cream.
“Ah, whatever. I’ll just write her a note.”
And so Celestia did, in permanent marker, all over Sunset’s face. And then she punted her student out of the window towards her destination in hopes that the scene change wouldn’t break the poor mare.
“Time for cake.”
Sunset was currently screaming her head off as the ground got closer and closer. She couldn’t breathe much because of the air resistance. So she powered up her horn and magicked a parachute. Not butterfly wings coming out of her ass cause that would be stupid, but just a parachute so she could break her fall. And so she fell into the first destination that Celestia scribbled on her face.
A pot farm. Because Celestia liked smoking some ganja weed on her b-day like no pony’s business.
Sunset came to an abrupt halt when the parachute cushioned her fall and she slid face on the ground so hard that she left a face mark.
“Dang girl. That looked like it hurt pretty bad.”
The unicorn whose face just got destroyed looked up at her savior. A yellowish earth pony tried to hold in her laughter as she noticed the troll-filled writing that showed that, yes, this is a pony sent by Celestia. A worn hat sat on her head and her flank was showing good muscle tone- and a leaf. Not a pot leaf- just a leaf. Cutie marks are stupidly abstract,. They don’t just say “Look at me. I have a pole dancing cutie mark.” Then Sunset thought of strip clubs.
“Hello? Ah, Celestia damn it to Tartarus, looks like ole Princess Celestia done goofed with her, Consarn my hospitality. And I was totally gonna watch reruns of Lost while stoned. . .” The earth pony dragged Sunset into her drug den.
After the minutes of hauling Sunset through her fields of drugs that the Apple Mob would totally kill someone over, our trusty and not criminal at all earth pony sat herself comfortably on her couch. Her humble abode was full of snack foods and movies for when the hunger struck her. Not to mention the copious amounts of booze that the pony stocked up for her birthday in April.
Her ears pricked up as the stupid stickhead woke up from her concussion. The yellowish earth pony glanced over her super cushiony couch onto her floor, which was hard and painful, to her visitor.
“Oh sweet baby Tirek. My head is killing me!” The unicorn whined for a while. Epithets and curses flew through the humble abode. Nopony cared. Present company had just got baked off some contraption that shot drugs straight into your magic source. Got you higher than phoenix ashes and had less of a hangover than Everfree vodka on a Saturday night binge.
“Names Sweet Leaf.” Said earth pony turned to meet her bitching unicorn that she currently wanted to ride while some 80’s synth tune blasted through her ear holes faster than the Kool Aid Man on speedballs.
“Like the song?”
“Yeah. Oh and by the way- might want to clean your face off.”
Grabbing a random towel from the nearby table she scrubbed her face raw until the offending marker had scrubbed itself into the towel/ new map of where she had to go next.
“Great. Now the next time I see Celestia, I want to smack her upside the head.”
“Whatever, Bacon head. Wanna see my drug stash? Its pretty extensive. Got me a few kilos of Dragonfire Dust, a pound of pure Southern fried ditchweed, a full swimming pool of liquid happiness, tabs of sarsaparilla sunshine surprise- the normal things. Got time for the munchies? I got time, ya hear? I mean its not like the last time I got baked I raided Pony Joe’s so hard that I now have a restraining order against me or nothing. Blah, Blah, Blah. Drugs. Party. Sex. Blah.”
“Yeah. You do that. Just remember to bring drugs to the Princess’s party.”
“Will do, miss baconator supreme with cheese!”
And Sunset Shimmer hoped she would never see that pony again. But karma is a bitch so. . .the world of Sunset Shimmer continued unabated towards really nothing special at all.
***
Sunset was shocked. The next place she had to go was some club with a pulsating beat that could be heard for miles around. Celestia marked this place down with two X’s. Either she was a nymphomaniac, which frankly didn’t surprise the unicorn, or there were two ponies she had to talk to.”
She then decided to not care. Barging in the Copacabana like she owned the place, Sunny walked up to the bartender and asked in her most lost voice to see whoever this ‘Lyrock and Mystery Mint were’ The bartender muttered something that sounded like ‘those sacks of shit’ and pointed to the back. Sashaying to the music, like a two bit whore on ladies night, the unicorn made her way over there.
“You know what Minty? I would go for my bandmates to the ends of the earth if need be. You know if some bitch was totes stepping on my girls hooves I woulda come up to them and said ‘Whatcha looking at you punk? Those girls are the best friends ever and you treat them like crap. Only I can do that.”
And Sunset noticed that this mare had some wings on her and her cutie mark was a little musical note- like half the musical ponies in Equestria. The only things that made her stand out was her lime green hair and her multiple piercings.
A pastel blue unicorn with a two toned purple mane with a lightning bolt inside a heart for a cutie mark spoke up in a somewhat sarcastic tone filled with sexual imagery that Sunset didn’t need at ten am.
“Yeah, Lyrock. That would be fantabulous. Its like my fantasy of being taken right there on a four post bed while tied down and begging for sexual release. Or when I wanted to see how much I could fit and-”
Sunset loudly coughed. “Uh, sorry I am looking for a Lyrock and Mystery Mint?”
The pegasus bristled. “Yeah? Who wants to know? The Equestrian Revenue Service? I got to tell you that I haven’t had any kiddos this year so I was totally right on my taxes.” I said that I had given up my last kids to the Foster Home for Imaginary Orphans and so I do not have any dependents.”
“Wha- I’m not from the ERS. Celestia sent me. She wants you to, uh, provide the musical accompaniment while Mystery Mint provides her with some well timed lap dancing activities. Bow chicka wow wow.”
A large squee broke throughout the club. Two mares began to dance while a unidentifiable song about dropping it- whatever it was. Sunset didn’t care. She never had got into the dubstep music that was the rage nowadays.
“Woo hoo! Minty, y’know what this means? I can totally start a band! I want to so bad. Like I don’t know how.”
“That’s because you are an idiot and never learned how to actually figure out how to start a band. But this means I can say I serviced a Princess. You know how my modeling career will take off. And my sex line, and my sex ed class, and Fridays at Sex Addicts Anonymous will become fun for me again!”
And a few minutes later Sunset had to go outside and puke because the images that had infiltrated her mind were explicit that the censored bars had censored bars on them.
Staggering blindly through the streets of Canterlot was a chore but our intrepid unicorn was determined to finish this stupid wild goose chase that Celestia had got her on. She knew that taking therapy couldn’t work because of the sheer insanity that kept on happening to her since Celestia had yoinked her off the street and placed in Hail Victory Academy. She still had nightmares about training montages.
Sunset stopped the self-loathing long enough to hear unnatural screams coming from her next stop. Celestia had circled this house for ‘the priest that totally does her own hing and I totes respect her for that.’ Whatever that meant.
So she knocked on the door and she began to feel a sense of unknowable dread, as if opening the door would cause the happy insane world of now to shift into some demented hellhole that gods out of space and time would inhabit. Like Manehattan but nicer cause of nice beachfront property that didn’t get hit by hurricanes every blue moon.
Also she felt like knowing this pony that lived in this humble abode would make her mind, that was currently holding onto her last grasps of sanity, collapse into a despondent heap of blubbering madness,
“I told you Nyarko, I didn’t want you to spray dreamland goop all over the rug. Well I never. Apologize to the night gaunts then. They didn’t want to make the entirety of Neighpon be covered in tentacle fell beasts from R’lyeh. I told you once I told you a million lifetimes- the whole cult thing is not a phase; I’ve made hundreds of ponies drink the kool aid and most of it was poisoned. Why? I thought it would make my chi flow better. Yeah, yeah. I know I really should calm down. They can’t kill me since I ate that Elder God for breakfast. . .”
The door opened and the mare that answered was a certifiable hippie. A long flowing blue mane was hanging naturally around her face. Her coat was glistening and glowing, for being bluish white, and her cutie mark was a pink daisy that was half picked- like in those stupid filly games of He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, I Have No Life. Oh and she was a pegasus, but Sunset was a lesbian so she didn’t get this winged fact of the day.
“Earth to whoever gives a crap. I’d much rather not talk to you. I got me some cult leader type things to do. Ruin the Plains of Leng, astral project myself into aliens, kill some gods. Minor stuff.”
“Yeah Celestia has her party and she made you be the invocation.”
“Tell her that I would love to. I haven’t missed one since she was born.”
And then the door was slammed in Little Miss sunshine’s face as the not at all evil pegasus laughed maniacally through the door to no one in particular.
“But isn’t Celestia like as old as the sun? Probably just a mistake on her part. . .” Sunset didn’t let it get her down cause if she thought too long and hard the reality would break the fragile universe. Mostly cause the universe is a total wimp when it came to illogical activities.
***
“And the final piece is some thespian?”
Sunset was, by this point, getting really tired of this shit. And so with a heavy heart she kicked her way in like a badass detective- so naturally the mares fell over their seats after seeing such a magical display of bravado.
In actuality, Sunset stumbled in, punched the nearest pny in the mouth, ran around screaming how the system was ran by a total bitch, made out with a hotdog stand and curled up in a ball and sobbed.
After coming back to life and sanity, Sunset found the mare she was looking for. Mostly cause said mare was in the jail cell with her,Said mare was a light tan with a two toned green mane. Not as completely ugly as that Lyrock mare, but still an awful color that nopony should know exists
“Hey there! I’m Watermelody and I was the one who you punched in the face. It kinda hurt, but my conspiracy theorist friends said I was in for a bruisin. Then you punched me in the face. Not like a love tap either- that would have been fun cause then I would have made out with you- but just a punch to the noggin.”
“Cool. Frickin A.”
“Have you seen breezies around here? Seaponies? Mare in the Moon? Cause I am on a snark hunt and I heard that if I kill all the Breezies, the time stream will be fixed. Or that’s what I think my therapist said. Dunno. He was talking about cyberponies and stuff that was all Allons-y! And that was stupid because of the whole thing because outside of Fleur-Di- Lis- there's no Prench words in Equestria.”
“So Watermelody? Did you want to perform at the Princess’ party?”
“Sweet mother of rainbow goblin fun times yes!”
A royal guard humphed and got Sunset’s attention. “Lady Sunset, Celestia has pardoned all the criminals in Equestria so they can celebrate her radical party,”
“That is a stupid idea.”
***
On the moon, a dumpster that had contained the most ultimate evil for the last thousand years broke apart as melodious happy laughter rang out through the moonscape. A skinny blue hoof snaked its way out of the refuse pile.
“Aw, I wish Celestia had cake today. Because after a thousand years of sheer agonizing torment I will destroy the one thing she loves more than her country. I will destroy her figure! Mwa ha ha ha ha. Nightmare Woobie will destroy you!”
Celestia, You Major Troll Part Two
Smoke was filling the royal chambers of the Princess. Celestia would be terrifying normal ponies with her shiny golden hoof shoes and her gently coiffed mane and her magical sun powers that she used on a semi-regular basis. But thanks to the taxpayers dollar she was currently high as a kite.
“I believe that the sky looks prettier eer since I threw my evil sister into a dumpster.”
Minty and Lyrock stopped doing what they were doing. They had, until this point, been satisfying every wish of the mare that was blazing it so hard that the sun was her drug filled home. They had no idea what that just meant but when a Princess asks you to service her with whips and chains and weird BDSM gear that should have been outlawed because of moral decency- you stop caring about hazy ramblings of your customers.
“I mean this is like totes the greatest party ever. Am I right, bitches?”
The two mares nodded. They just wanted money. Money made the world go round in Equestria; gravity was just an evil thought brought on by science and so Celestia had banished all scientists to Tartarus for corrupting the minds of children. And so everypony knew that money made the world go round.
“I mean its not like my black sister will burst through that door, right now, and kidnap me for ransom. That would totally be predictable.”
With an earth shattering daww, the nearby window exploded inwards as an adorable filly, that was totally evil because she was black and had a totally bitching star mane and some demonically cute armor, fell on her face.
“Ah there she is. Cuter than I imagined.” Celestia grinned. “Well tata for now, I’m gonna take a vacation in Las Pegasus while you clean this up cause I was going to snort some massive amounts of cocaine while bards sang my praises. Or was it I that I would snort bards while cocaine sang my praises?” And so Celestia left this scene with her dignity intact.
“Where is my overlord of a sister! I shall murder her figure with my evil cake powers and she will be fat and ugly like how I feel every moment of every day! For I am Nightmare Woobie!” And then the personification of sadness broke down and sobbed.
***
“So you’re telling me that Celestia had her sister imprisoned for being black? That’s undeniably racist!” Sunset and Watermelody were slowly walking through the party waiting for the guest of honor to arrive. Ponies sat around smoking weed and singing gangsta rap music and performed fly bys in which ponies were shot with apple pies.
“Yeah. Why else would she name her academy Hail Victory do you know what that meant in Germaneigh? Sieg-”
“Well. What of it? Maybe she just liked the ring of that?”
“But then you have to realize that Celestia has made the Wonderbolts go on wars of conquest for the last thousand years.”
Sunset couldn’t answer. Before she could deliver the greatest comeback known to ponies that had no logical proof- the Your Mom defense- a pony that she never wanted to see again was trying to get her attention by waving a straw hat and gesturing to a ridiculous pile of drugs. And she was screaming something about how her hair looked like edible bacon.
“Howdy! Can I eat your hair? I got the munchies again. I mean I would eat some hands for these tummy rumblies, but hair is a good substitute. Cause it looks like bacon!” Watermelody was confused. “So do you know that pony?”
“Fuck no. Lets just walk the other way.” Sunset ran off towards the next loudest pony in the square. Which just so happened to be in the midst of a religious debate with a chair”
***
“And Cthulhu shall come upon land and will bring these mortals to heel. Using his tentacles of knowledge, he shall make us mend our ways with me by his side as his mate that will murder anything that comes towards our child of darkness. Be it the Hounds of Helios or Dagon, the fish of the lower waters himself- I shall bring the power of Nyarlathotep unto the non believers as the shall be thrust in the lake of inky unknowable blackness.”
“And thank you for that spirited repudiation of your opponent’s argument of how fine cedar would be in chairs. And with that the Celestial Sun Celebration is cancelled because we are now being attacked by a black pony of evil.
Said black pony was adorable and being led by two mares. One pegasi who was grumbling the whole way since Celestia split and a unicorn who was currently making Nightmare Woobie giggle my making her fly close to the crowd of ponies. The crowd of ponies were screaming their heads off- because ponies were wussies.
“May Celestia burn in Tartarus, this day is awful.”
And so the six mares (cause Sweet Leaf had stumbled over to watch the riot happen) had gathered around the filly in question.
***
Meanwhile in Las Pegasus, Celestia felt a disturbance in the force. She knew that the Elements were Harmony were important somehow- but she hated the gaudy things. So she decided to act on her whims like any god princess overlord would do and she threw them into the sun.
And so the sun became rainbow colored for eternity. And it shone it mighty light upon evil and uncoolitude and so the Northern Wastes became livable again and Windigoes died out en masse. Celestia didn’t care. She just thought the sun looked prettier than normal.
"Man, I am a sext beast,"
***
“I just felt like a Deus Ex Machina was just destroyed.”
“What was that, Watermelody?”
“Nothing,”
Sunset just glanced over at the earth pony who was currently whistling Yankee Doodle Dandy and shrugged. She must be insane. “So, unspeakable evil?”
“Actually this filly is not an eldritch abomination, if it was I would choke her to death while singing praises to the king in yellow.”
“And Minty and I wouldn’t have bought her funnel cake.” Lyrock and Minty nodded while the blackest filly was currently enjoying grape kool aid and watermelon flavored funnel cake. It sounds really racist, but it was the special foods that Celestia allowed to be eaten at her party.
“So lets just hug her. I mean her sister is a racist overlord, she got thrown in a dumpster in space, and everypony is trained to become retarded when the color black is mentioned. And so the six mares hugged the adorable filly as their elements of harmony activated. Cause really Celestia had planned this from the beginning and so the mares had their talents inside them for forever. Like a box with six locks, it was stupid.
And so the adorable filly in little armor got blasted full force with waves of love. After a few seconds the small adorable alicorn became a gangly, ugly alicorn that should not be named, And everypony's heart broke because they couldn't look upon the mass of ugly because her breath smelled like Mountain Dew, Cheetos, and masturbation. The stench wafted so far and wide that ponies had to wear nose plugs to even attempt to be near the royal slobness.
And that was when Celestia appeared wearing a sombrero. “Ah my little ponies! I was just wondering why my sister Luna was getting more love than I am right now. You should be ashamed. Ugly people don't have friends. I decreed that Luna should never feel loved because she was a nerd and totally didn't like dicks. So what tare you doing with her?”
"I mean-” Sunset was trying to come up with an excuse.
Celestia grinned. “I decree that Sunset Shimmer and these mares shall become the Bearers of Harmony!”
Sunset was furious. Her mentor couldn’t just spring on the responsibility without any regard for comedic timing. That defeated the purpose of the joke and seemed horribly lazy.
“But-”
“But nothing. Sunset your unwillingness to be a hero and general magic prowess makes you the stereotypical protagonist of this and so you get the badass Element of Magic. Drugpony-” And so Celestia levitated a fake plastic version of the Element of Magic colored red with Sunset’s cutie mark over to her.
“Sweet Leaf”
“Marijuana, your willingness to say that you are high, even at the chance that they are police that want to arrest you, makes you the perfect Element of Honesty.” A green leaf necklace symbolizing the powers of drugs and honesty, was levitated over.
“Mystery Mint, your sexiness and general looseness gives me great tremblings in my withers. and therefore your generous whoring out of your body and sex addiction makes you a perfect Element of Generosity.”
Sunset just mumbled, “Fuck you. You planned this so hard. You are such a troll. Queen of trolls. . .”
“Disregarding my annoying student, I grant Lyrock the Element of Loyalty because she is a sad excuse for a friendless bitch and so I thought it would be funny. Also her dream of starting a band takes balls- which I hope she lacks.” A musical note colored bright green floated over and attached itself to her neck.
“That was sexist as hell.”
“Watermelody, for your adherence that I am a despotic overlord and should be destroyed- I give you the Element of Laughter. Because ponies aren’t laughing with you, they are laughing at you for your crackpot mental hospital drivel.” A necklace with a pair of stage masks that showed a happy face and a sad face floated over to the mare.
“I am not crazy. I just need a therapy session or two.”
“Finally, I give Flower Child the Element of Kindness for leading a cult that kills ponies for sport and general culty stuff. I mean that last kool aid party was mighty kind. And thanks for that ritual mass suicide you planned for the demons in Tartarus.. Didn't want to kill those fuckers.”
“Praise be to Hastur.”
Sunset lunged at Celestia, but the Princess teleported away to her castle before Sunny could punch her in the face. A hoof lay gently on her shoulder and the unicorn looked into the much uglier face of Princess Luna. Her cheese stained hooves and awful breath made Sunset gag with hatred and puke.
“I believe you just got punked.”
“Shut up, Luna. No one likes you.” Brohoofs were thrown all around.
And so the new bearers of the plastic Elements of Harmony stared up at the rainbow sun and groaned because that was an ugly color for a sun. Also now their lives sucked more than usual.
“Hey girls, wanna get higher that country music stars on patriotism?” Sweet Leaf grinned and gave each of her new frenemies a pound of drugs. Our heroines indulges so hard that they had to get their stomachs pumped the very next day. And nopony knew how but Flower Child and Sweet Leaf learned how to love each other. It was terrifying.
It was probably just the drugs getting them all hot and bothered. Nopony gave a shit cause they were too damn high to care. Luna still sobbed incessantly until she got hit by a rock thrown by Sunset’s magic. She didn’t die and that made everypony sad.
