Sunset Shimmer: Unwilling Savior of Equestria

Smoke was filling the royal chambers of the Princess. Celestia would be terrifying normal ponies with her shiny golden hoof shoes and her gently coiffed mane and her magical sun powers that she used on a semi-regular basis. But thanks to the taxpayers dollar she was currently high as a kite.

“I believe that the sky looks prettier eer since I threw my evil sister into a dumpster.”

Minty and Lyrock stopped doing what they were doing. They had, until this point, been satisfying every wish of the mare that was blazing it so hard that the sun was her drug filled home. They had no idea what that just meant but when a Princess asks you to service her with whips and chains and weird BDSM gear that should have been outlawed because of moral decency- you stop caring about hazy ramblings of your customers.

“I mean this is like totes the greatest party ever. Am I right, bitches?”

The two mares nodded. They just wanted money. Money made the world go round in Equestria; gravity was  just an evil thought brought on by science and so Celestia had banished all scientists to Tartarus for corrupting the minds of children. And so everypony knew that money made the world go round.

“I mean its not like my black sister will burst through that door, right now, and kidnap me for ransom. That would totally be predictable.”

With an earth shattering daww, the nearby window exploded inwards as an adorable filly, that was totally evil because she was black and had a totally bitching star mane and some demonically cute armor, fell on her face.

“Ah there she is. Cuter than I imagined.” Celestia grinned. “Well  tata for now, I’m gonna take a vacation in Las Pegasus while you clean this up cause I was going to snort some massive amounts of cocaine while bards sang my praises. Or was it I that I would snort bards while cocaine sang my praises?” And so Celestia left this scene with her dignity intact.

“Where is my overlord of a sister! I shall murder her figure with my evil cake powers and she will be fat and ugly like how I feel every moment of every day! For I am Nightmare Woobie!” And then the personification of sadness broke down and sobbed.

***

“So you’re telling me that Celestia had her sister imprisoned for being black? That’s undeniably racist!” Sunset and Watermelody were slowly walking through the party waiting for the guest of honor to arrive. Ponies sat around smoking weed and singing gangsta rap music and performed fly bys in which ponies were shot with apple pies.

“Yeah. Why else would she name her academy Hail Victory do you know what that meant in Germaneigh? Sieg-”

“Well. What of it? Maybe she just liked the ring of that?”

“But then you have to realize that Celestia has made the Wonderbolts go on wars of conquest for the last thousand years.”

Sunset couldn’t answer. Before she could deliver the greatest comeback known to ponies that had no logical proof- the Your Mom defense- a pony that she never wanted to see again was trying to get her attention by waving a straw hat and gesturing to a ridiculous pile of drugs. And she was screaming something about how her hair looked like edible bacon.

“Howdy! Can I eat your hair? I got the munchies again. I mean I would eat some hands for these tummy rumblies, but hair is a good substitute. Cause it looks like bacon!” Watermelody was confused. “So do you know that pony?”

“Fuck no. Lets just walk the other way.” Sunset ran off towards the next loudest pony in the square. Which just so happened to be in the midst of a religious debate with a chair”

***

“And Cthulhu shall come upon land and will bring these mortals to heel. Using his tentacles of knowledge, he shall make us mend our ways with me by his side as his mate that will murder anything that comes towards our child of darkness. Be it the Hounds of Helios or Dagon, the fish of the lower waters himself- I shall bring the power of Nyarlathotep unto the non believers as the shall be thrust in the lake of inky unknowable blackness.”

“And thank you for that spirited repudiation of your opponent’s argument of how fine cedar would be in chairs. And with that the Celestial Sun Celebration is cancelled because we are now being attacked by a black pony of evil.

Said black pony was adorable and being led by two mares. One pegasi who was grumbling the whole way since Celestia split and a unicorn who was currently making Nightmare Woobie giggle my making her fly close to the crowd of ponies. The crowd of ponies were screaming their heads off- because ponies were wussies.

“May Celestia burn in Tartarus, this day is awful.”

And so the six mares (cause Sweet Leaf had stumbled over to watch the riot happen) had gathered around the filly in question.

***

Meanwhile in Las Pegasus, Celestia felt a disturbance in the force. She knew that the Elements were Harmony were important somehow- but she hated the gaudy things. So she decided to act on her whims like any god princess overlord would do and she threw them into the sun.

And so the sun became rainbow colored for eternity. And it shone it mighty light upon evil and uncoolitude and so the Northern Wastes became livable again and Windigoes died out en masse. Celestia didn’t care. She just thought the sun looked prettier than normal.

"Man, I am a sext beast,"

***

“I just felt like a Deus Ex Machina was just destroyed.”

“What was that, Watermelody?”

“Nothing,”

Sunset just glanced over at the earth pony who was currently whistling Yankee Doodle Dandy and shrugged. She must be insane. “So, unspeakable evil?”

“Actually this filly is not an eldritch abomination, if it was I would choke her to death while singing praises to the king in yellow.”

“And Minty and I wouldn’t have bought her funnel cake.” Lyrock and Minty nodded while the blackest filly was currently enjoying grape kool aid and watermelon flavored funnel cake. It sounds really racist, but it was the special foods that Celestia allowed to be eaten at her party.

“So lets just hug her. I mean her sister is a racist overlord, she got thrown in a dumpster in space, and everypony is trained to become retarded when the color black is mentioned. And so the six mares hugged the adorable filly as their elements of harmony activated. Cause really Celestia had planned this from the beginning and so the mares had their talents inside them for forever. Like a box with six locks, it was stupid.

And so the adorable filly in little armor got blasted full force with waves of love. After a few seconds the small adorable alicorn became a gangly, ugly alicorn that should not be named, And everypony's heart broke because they couldn't look upon the mass of ugly because her breath smelled like Mountain Dew, Cheetos, and masturbation. The stench wafted so far and wide that ponies had to wear nose plugs to even attempt to be near the royal slobness.

And that was when Celestia appeared wearing a sombrero. “Ah my little ponies! I was just wondering why my sister Luna was getting more love than I am right now. You should be ashamed. Ugly people don't have friends. I decreed that Luna should never feel loved because she was a nerd and totally didn't like dicks. So what tare you doing with her?”

"I mean-” Sunset was trying to come up with an excuse.

Celestia grinned. “I decree that Sunset Shimmer and these mares shall become the Bearers of Harmony!”

Sunset was furious. Her mentor couldn’t just spring on the responsibility without any regard for comedic timing. That defeated the purpose of the joke and seemed horribly lazy.

“But-”

“But nothing. Sunset your unwillingness to be a hero and general magic prowess makes you the stereotypical protagonist of this and so you get the badass Element of Magic. Drugpony-” And so Celestia levitated a fake plastic version of the Element of Magic colored red with Sunset’s cutie mark over to her.

“Sweet Leaf”

“Marijuana, your willingness to say that you are high, even at the chance that they are police that want to arrest you, makes you the perfect Element of Honesty.” A green leaf  necklace symbolizing the powers of drugs and honesty, was levitated over.

“Mystery Mint, your sexiness and general looseness gives me great tremblings in my withers. and therefore your generous whoring out of your body and sex addiction makes you a perfect Element of Generosity.”

Sunset just mumbled, “Fuck you. You planned this so hard. You are such a troll. Queen of trolls. . .”

“Disregarding my annoying student, I grant Lyrock the Element of Loyalty because she is a sad excuse for a friendless bitch and so I thought it would be funny. Also her dream of starting a band takes balls- which I hope she lacks.”  A  musical note colored bright green floated over and  attached itself to her neck.

“That was sexist as hell.”

“Watermelody, for your adherence that I am a despotic overlord and should be destroyed- I give you the Element of Laughter. Because ponies aren’t laughing with you, they are laughing at you for your crackpot mental hospital drivel.” A necklace with a pair of stage masks that showed a happy face and a sad face floated over to the mare.

“I am not crazy. I just need a therapy session or two.”

“Finally, I give Flower Child the Element of Kindness for leading a cult that kills ponies for sport and general culty stuff. I mean that last kool aid party was mighty kind. And thanks for that ritual mass suicide you planned for the demons in Tartarus.. Didn't want to kill those fuckers.”

“Praise be to Hastur.”

Sunset lunged at Celestia, but the Princess teleported away to her castle before Sunny could punch her in the face. A hoof lay gently on her shoulder and the unicorn looked into the much uglier face of Princess Luna. Her cheese stained hooves and awful breath made Sunset gag with hatred and puke.

“I believe you just got punked.”

“Shut up, Luna. No one likes you.” Brohoofs were thrown all around.

And so the new bearers of the plastic Elements of Harmony stared up at the rainbow sun and groaned because that was an ugly color for a sun. Also now their lives sucked more than usual.

“Hey girls, wanna get higher that country music stars on patriotism?” Sweet Leaf grinned and gave each of her new frenemies a pound of drugs. Our heroines indulges so hard that they had to get their stomachs pumped the very next day. And nopony knew how but Flower Child and Sweet Leaf learned how to love each other. It was terrifying.

It was probably just the drugs getting them all hot and bothered. Nopony gave a shit cause they were too damn high to care. Luna still sobbed incessantly until she got hit by a rock thrown by Sunset’s magic. She didn’t die and that made everypony sad.