The Meaning of Life, Among Other Things

by Space Pony

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Crossover, Comedy
Length: 4373

MLP meets Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Just 'cause they're ponies, doesn't mean things are gonna make sense.

Join Dentarthurdent and company, as they continue to ponder the meaning of life, now on four hooves. What is the Ultimate Question? How does it relate to 42? Does that number even relate at all? What happened to Marvin? Would you like some tea? And many more. During this increasingly improbable intergalactic journey, we explore Equestria and the unknown universe, searching for signs of intelligent life, only to be not quite sure what's going on.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-09 23:26:51 UTC

Part 1: The Gang Get's Together

There were way too many zebras in this room. Everything was all black and white and stripey and far, far too confusing. It was like somepony  had taken black paint to a white wall, and made line after line, and now those lines were moving around and spinning and turning, and one set of lines was maybe doing a backflip. Maybe, but she couldn’t tell, not with the sheer number of zebras in here.

Fillian frowned. This couldn’t possibly the right place. She removed the piece of paper from her saddlebag and looked at it once more.

Meet me at spaceport number three. 10 am.

-D

Just as Fillian considered leaving, a tall, brown, earth stallion in a green bathrobe entered the building.

“There you are!”, she exclaimed, “What took you so long?”

“I’m sorry”, he said, “But I forgot my towel, and you know it’s unwise to travel anywhere without one.”

Sure enough, a fluffy pink bath towel could be seen partially sticking out of one of his saddlebags, while in the other she saw that book. That one, impossibly impossible book that started this all. The Traveler’s Manual to the Universe.

“Why couldn’t you have just gotten a new towel? And why did you want to meet here? Surely we could have met somewhere else. All these zebras are giving me vertigo.”

“To answer your first question, I like this towel, it’s been through a lot with me. To answer your second question, this is the spaceport where Honda and Zelquod will be arriving. To address the zebras, they’re zebras, the vertigo is a defense mechanism and it’s just what they do.”

“I never knew zebras purposefully made you sick.”

“They don’t”, said a voice from behind them. “It’s an involuntary part of their evolution.”

They turned to see behold a stallion and a two headed unicorn, Honda Accord and Zelquod Babblesalot, respectively.

Honda spoke, “Ah, Fillian, Dentarthurdent, so glad to see you could make it.”

Dent, as he is often called, replied, “I’m glad to see you too. Now why have you called us to this planet? Specifically, why have you called us here, to this place Ponyville? There’s nothing of particular interest here, except one of the ponies here is a local celebrity, an alicorn, no less.”

“I don’t care about the alicorn,” Honda replied, “I’ve gathered you all here because I think this is where we’ll find the question.”

“I was afraid you’d say something like that,” replied Dent, “You never call us to a planet because you’ve found out where the last of the tea has gone off to.”

“Oh yes, there’s that too, I found tea on this planet, almost the same kind as was on your planet before it was unceremoniously destroyed to make way for that interspace tunnel that never got built.”

“Thanks for reminding me.”

“No problem.”, Honda was very bad at detecting sarcasm.

“So…”, inquired Fillian, “You think you’ve found the question, then, have you?”

“Yes. The Manual says that this planet is extremely rich in questionableness, and around this town is where the most questionable events take place. For no apparent reason, too! All the things that happen here should be just as likely to happen in some other town, but against all probability, they happen here anyways. So, what I want us all to do is split up, and search for the source of the question, and we’ll meet back here tomorrow to report our findings.”

“Can we not meet back somewhere else? All these zebras are hurting my eyes.”

A passing zebra heard that and took offense, “You say we hurt your precious little eyes? If you want something to watch, how about your thighs?”

“Oh ho!”, Zelquod chimed in, “You just got burned in rhyme formation!”

“AHHHHHHHH!!”, screamed the zebra, “WHAT IN THE WIDE, WIDE WORLD OF EQUESTRIA IS THAT!?”

She screamed, abandoning the zebra custom of rhyming and along with it her legal right to reproduce, and galloped away in terror of what she had just seen.

Honda spoke, “Um, Zelquod, on this world, ponies only have one head. Maybe you should put up a Mind Your Own Business spell.”, then he turned to Fillian and said, “Don’t worry, you’re not fat, and if it makes you feel better, she’s not allowed to have children anymore.”

“Good. Wouldn’t want those rudeness genes getting passed on. I hope she dies sad and alone.”

“Right”, began Dentarthurdent, “You said that there was tea, and the greatest question in the universe to be had? Let’s get to it.”

And so, after agreeing to meet back up at the center of town, and not here where there were rude, vertigo-inducing, zebras, the four each went their separate ways, in order to discover the meaning of life, not realizing that the inhabitants of this planet had a nasty habit of getting in the way for no apparent reason.

To the four corners of Ponyville they travelled, Dent to that one corner, way over there, with Zelquod in that one adjacent to it. Honda went straight for the town hall, then remembered he hadn't even started searching yet, and so went and chose a different, obscure, unnamed corner. Lastly, Fillian, took what corner there was which lay at a vertical angle to Honda's.

Dentarthurdent thought that maybe it would be best if he searched this town's shopping district. He could probably find some good tea clues over there. His first impression of Ponyville's sprawling, magnificent, marketplace was one of indifference. He'd seen better. Far better, out among the stars. Then again, he'd see much worse too. At least this place was clean, most other planets didn't even have the decency to pick up after themselves, and just discarded refuse wherever. These ponies really seemed to car about the environment, so much so th-- is that the smell of tea?

Sure enough, the telltale scent of sun-dried leaves now soaked in boiling water with milk and sugar (because that's something we can all identify off the top of our heads) wafted through the air and drew Dent towards it's source. After a few minutes of dreamily following the alluring smell, he found it's source in the form of two ponies sitting and gossiping over a bone-china tea set. He turned to one of the mares and spoke.

"Um.. excuse me, is that tea?

"Why, yes it is", replied the white unicorn, "Would you like some?"

"Oh yes please. I haven't had tea in years, literally."

"Well that certainly won't do, please take all you like. I'm Rarity by the way, what's your name?"

"Pleased to meet you, miss Rarity, my name's Dent... arthurdent.", he turns to her friend, a yellow pegasus, "And what is your name?"

The mare silently stares at her at her cup for a bit, then whispers under her breath, "Fluttershy..."

"Excuse me," said Dent, "But I didn't quite catch that."

"That's quite all right dear," interjected Rarity, "Fluttershy is always nervous around new ponies, just give her some time to warm up to you. And in the meantime, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself? I've never seen you around before, what brings you to Ponyville?"

Dentarthurdent looked around for a moment, and fidgeted. Should he tell her he seeks the answer to life. It never really worked out too well in the past. That particular statement had gotten him into fights, and kidnapped, and chased out of towns, all sorts of things really. Only once was it ever received well, and by well, it means he got a free mattress. Would this be one of those times where he was given a complimentary piece of furniture, or would the more likely event ensue and have misfortune befall him? If there was anything he learned in his travels, it was, "You never get what you're expecting." And with that attitude in mind, he told her.

"I seek the ultimate question to the ultimate answer of life, the universe, and everything."

"What? The ultimate answer?"

"No, I already have the ultimate answer," Dent replied, "I need the ultimate question, so that I can finally put the two together and understand the meaning of our existence."

"Well, that's easy, it probably has something to do with the magic of friendship."

The magic of friendship? That couldn't be right, he was pretty sure there had been no wars fought over friendship. It was almost certain whatever he was looking for involved multiple wars being fought over it.

Besides, Dent had many friends, had being the keyword, as now most of them were deceased, seeing as they got blown up and all. Disregarding the exploded planets, her theory didn't make much sense, mostly because it wasn't in the form of a question, and also because it had nothing to do with the number 42, which a hyper intelligent computer had so avidly insisted made a difference. Perhaps if friendship represented 6, and magic represented 7... no... no... for the last time, it doesn't work like that. It'll come to him eventually, in the meantime, he can just enjoy his tea that was so generously shared with him, and wonder what his companions are up to.

Part 2: The Search Continues

Dentarthurdent had his tea, and so was content. Everypony knew that's where he'd be, drinking tea. So he was down for the count, at least for seven cups or so, but that didn't stop his friends from continuing their search for the question.

In a distant part of town, Zelquod Babblesalot was searching. He wanted to find the Ultimate Question, partly for the adventure, partly for the fame, and partly out of curiosity. But mostly, he wanted to find it for revenge.

Zelquod once was the princess of the Galaxy. The whole, entire Galaxy under his command, and it was amazing. He loved it, for  there is no greater joy in all the Galaxy, than to be the one in charge of it. But, like all good things that come to an end (because some don't), this one came to an end too soon.

His cabinet told him he just plain wasn't allowed to be the princess. He in return, told them that that was not right, that he won the election fair and square, and they said that that was precisely the point. You don't elect princesses. In order to be a princess, you have to be a female alicorn, so despite the fairness or squareness of his rise to power, it could not be permitted to continue. Zelquod cried out that that was unjust! Discrimination he said! If they wanted to get technical he said, then princesses weren't even supposed to have cabinets! He told them they were all fired. It didn't work.

That's why Zelquod needed the Question. The most ancient and powerful question in all the Universe. He didn't know what he'd do once he got his hooves on it, but somehow, he was sure, he could reclaim his rightful place on the Alabaster Throne of the Galaxy, where he would then be able to have his cabinet arrested for treason, and then force them to dance for his amusement. But right now, he'd have to focus on finding the question. What kind of dance he'd make his cabinet do, as well as the venue and the music, would all be decided later.

Despite his lack of an ability to read, Zelquod knew the best place to look for something like the Ultimate Question would be the library. He found the building and went inside, to behold a purple alicorn and her matching dragon shelving books.

"Excuse me", he said, "But is this the library?"

"Yes", she replied, "But it's also my house. How did you get in here?"

"The... door was unlocked... wait you live at the library? What if somepony wants to come in while you're bust living your life?"

"Well, in that case, since it's a public library...", she stood still for a moment, obviously having never before contemplated this question, "Since it's a private home... uh... not in all the time I've been here has somepony come here for books, so I don't have to worry about that."

"Not in all the time you lived at the library, has somepony wanted to borrow books. That's a bit odd, do you think maybe they don't like you?"

"Of course they like me, I'm a princess."

Zelquod heard this and was taken aback. She didn't really appear to be a princess. Sure, as he surveyed her body, she had both wings and a horn, but other than that, she had no princess-like characteristics.

"You're a princess", he said, "Where's your crown?"

"I had to put it back", she replied, "It was for the good of the land that I return my crown to whence it came."

"You said, 'return it to whence it came', did you throw it into a boiling pit of fire?"

"No. I just put it in a tree, which sounds stupid but--"

"Ya think?"

"Look, you came here for some books, so just take your books and leave. What did you want?"

"I'm here for the Ultimate Question which will solve the meaning of our existence. Do you have any books of questions around here? Preferably ultimate ones?"

The alicorn seemed taken aback.

"You want to know the meaning of our existence? I thought it was to make friends."

Make friends? Could this idiot really be royalty? What kind of answer was that? It was clear that this mare didn't know anything about the way the world works, and he wondered what sort of things qualified her to be a leader. He also briefly wondered what qualified himself to be a leader, but then dismissed that thought when he remembered that he wasn't the one on trial.

"Make friends", he said. "Sure. I wonder what my friends are doing right now."

At that moment, none of his friends were thinking about him. Dentarthurdent did pass him a glancing thought, but then completely forgot when Rarity offered more tea, and Fluttershy started speaking, but that doesn't matter right now.

What does matter at this moment, is what Honda Accord is doing. At this moment he was, like the rest of his friends, searching for the Ultimate Question, but due to his intelligence and resourcefulness, he had a much higher success rate, and that makes whatever he's doing far more interesting than the rest of them.

He knew that in order to find what the Question, he should head strait to the source of all questionableness, in the town, the source of all questionableness on the planet. He needed to find the very epicenter of what was wrong with this place. Luckily, he had his Sub-Etha Bleep-a-Tron Mk. 4, a device that made bleeping noises whenever he pointed it at a source of improbability. It led him straight to a bakery. This made perfect sense, he never trusted bakeries, and now he had a reason to justify his doing so.

He began to approach the confectionary shop, cautiously, warily, making sure it's inhabitants didn't see his approach. There's no telling what might happen if he startled one of these volatile pastry chefs. He crept forward, little by little, just inches from the ground, until he reached an exterior window. Then, very slowly, he raised his head until he could just barely see into the building, and was met by a large pair of eyes in a bright pink face, staring back into his own.

"Boo!", yelled the mare.

"Ahh!", yelled Honda.

She disappeared from the window and emerged out of the building just moments later. Honda was still on the ground, trying to get his bearings, when an excited, pink, earth pony came and stood over him. The Bleep-a-Tron was bleeping off the charts.

"Hi!", she said, "I knew you'd be coming, I could sense it when my mane started itching."

"You... you could sense my coming?", he said, "But how?"

"Didn't I just say? My mane was itchy, and it always itches whenever I'm near somepony I haven't met."

"Always?"

"Always!"

"Interesting", he remarked, as he produced a notepad and pen from his saddlebag to begin writing this information down.

She noticed this and remarked, "Why do you need to write that down? Can't you just remember it? Do you have trouble remembering things? Or a short attention span? Need me to remember that for you?"

"No, I just think it's a god habit to write things down, my attention span is perfect--"

"Cupcakes!"

"What?"

"You need cupcakes!", and with that she dragged him by the hoof into the bakery.

"Wait!", he protested, "I need to figure out the meaning of life!"

"Well you can't do that on an empty stomach.", she said, "Come on inside, and we'll talk about how friendship can solve all of your problems."

"No! I really have things to do!"

But it didn't matter. This mare didn't care what sort of things he had to do, she wanted him to eat cupcakes. Great. He didn't bring any money, so he knew this was going have to lead to him writing a restaurant review in order to pay his bill. Well, while he ate, he might as well listen to what this pony had to say about friendship. Speaking of which, he wondered how his friends were doing. No doubt Dent and Zelquod were having trouble, but maybe Fillian had struck some luck. Just maybe.

Yet Another Chapter

Fillian McMillan. A ridiculous name that rhymed way too much. Certainly not the kind of name you'd see on TV, or in an academic journal. Despite this, Fillian was not only the highest-rated newsmare in the galaxy, she was also one of it's top astrophysicists. Not that it mattered on this planet, where they've just recently discovered the lightbulb, and believe that the sun revolves around them by magic. She had to give them props though, few planets ever get this far with their magic. Most places just discover it, play around turning lead into gold for about a century, have a dark war, and then do away with it around the same time that they invent toilet paper. Fillian would have to come back and do a report on this place, once she had got what she came here for.

As she trotted along through the quiet streets of Ponyville, quite literally searching for the meaning of life, Fillian contemplated to herself how it was that magic survived so long here. It seemed to be incredibly strong in this place, indeed she had passed a few unicorns doing some amazing things, like lifting objects, growing flowers, and projecting music, all by magic. She glanced up at her own horn, which was just for show. Most horns were just for show out in space, the only ponies that you ever really heard of doing magic were alicorns. In a planet where every horn could cast spells, Fillian wondered if the sun did revolve around them. Maybe the ponies here are strong enough to move heavenly bodies. Then again, whether or not they could didn't matter. Moving stars was illegal.

Maybe she should just ask one of the ponies here about magic. Of course, she came here to find the Ultimate Question, but that could wait for a few moments. Just a few, while she asked some questions of her own. The only problem was which pony to ask. There were so many unicorns sitting around, all doing such magnificent things. One was levitating her belongings, one was levitating somepony else's belongings, and one was even flying! Oh wait... that's a pegasus pushing a cloud... which shouldn't be happening. How is that even possible? That pegasus should be going right through that cloud and be feeling rather dumb for trying to touch it. Instead, the she wasn't going through the cloud, and was probably feeling pretty happy with herself, and that was not ok.

Forgetting the unicorns, Fillian decided to follow this blue pegasus who decided not to play by nature's rules. Everypony else had to play by nature's stupid rules, and this mare would be no exception.

Fillian followed the pegasus all the way to her destination, an apple farm. When she arrived, Fillian saw the pegasus jumping up and down on the cloud, forcing it to rain, and effectively shattering all the laws of the universe. There was an orange earth pony standing under the trees, presumably the farm owner.

When Fillian got within hearing distance, she heard the earth pony say, "Thanks, Rainbow Dash. I can use all the water I can get." Rainbow Dash? That's... that's great. A planet where names are composed of nouns and verbs. Fillian laughed to herself as she wondered what new development she'd encounter next. This planet certainly was fitting of holding the Ultimate Question, and in a place like this, she wouldn't be surprised if the question was complete gibberish.

"Excuse me! What do you think you're doing on that cloud?", Fillian shouted when she was close enough. The rainbow-maned pegasus jumped when she heard somepony shouting from below. "What do you mean? I'm just making it rain.", she replied. "I know you're making it rain, I can see that, but what makes you think you have the right to make it rain? And how?"

"Umm...", Rainbow Dash stood dumbfounded, in confusion of the unsolicited hostility from this random mare. She finally managed to speak. "Umm.. do I know you?"

"No", replied Fillian, "I don't believe you do. I am intergalactic news reporter and astrophysicist Fillian McMillan, and I want to know how you managed to touch that cloud."

"What, this cloud?", Rainbow said, gesturing to the one under her feet. "You want to know how I touched it? All I did was put my hooves out and set them down and there's nothing more to it."

Fillian did not believe her. "No, but clouds are gasses, and you made it behave like a solid, and when you jumped on it, it turned into a liquid. Can everypony on the planet do that?"

Rainbow and her farmer friend burst out laughing. "Everypony on this planet", Rainbow laughed. "Does that mean you're from somewhere else?"

The farm mare recovered from her laughing long enough to put in, "I would say that's silly, a pony coming from another planet, but it's obvious she doesn't know that only winged ponies can touch clouds. And since it is silly that a pony could come from another planet, I'm gonna assume you don't get out much, huh, Miss Fillian."

"As a matter of fact, I am from another planet, that's what the word 'intergalactic' is for. Also, I didn't know that only winged ponies could touch clouds, because where I come from, no pony can touch clouds."

Rainbow Dash was surprised. "No pony can touch clouds! But if no pony can touch clouds, how do you control the weather? Are you telling me that you just let it float around and do whatever it wants, bringing with it mayhem and destruction and disharmony?"

"Are you telling me that pegasi here control the weather?" Magic was fine, moving clouds was absurd, but bending an entire planet's meteorological patterns to suit one's needs was almost blasphemous. Then again, maybe it wasn't. Fillian still hadn't found the meaning of life, like she had been intending to. Anyway. "So you just pick up clouds and move them wherever you want and force them to rain whenever you want? That's a massive god complex you got there."

This seemed to ignite some anger in the farmpony. "Listen here, I don't care who you are! Number One: Pegasi don't "pick up" clouds, the manufacture them. Number Two: While trying not to contradict my earlier statement, I would like to put in that we don't have god complexes. We just use magic to make our lives easier and spread harmony across the land."

"Aha! You spread your ideology! That sounds pretty complex-y to me!"

"What! No! Harmony is not an ideology or a religion or anything like that. I'm was just saying that we use magic to do nice things for each other make the world a peaceful place."

"Well, it's a little more than that", Rainbow said, "I mean, we do, or up until recently did have the Elements of Harmony, literal embodiments of magic that we used to dispel evil."

Literal embodiments of magic to dispel evil. It seemed Fillian was in the right place. "So, tell me", she said, "You have magical elements on this planet? Is that why your pegasi can touch clouds and your unicorns can, for lack of a better phrase, actually do things with their horns." Of course, Fillian knew unicorns could use their horns for more than just magic, she was once mugged by a gang of unicorns behind a deli.

"As it turns out", Rainbow replied, "My friends and I found out we are the embodiments of what are called the Elements of Harmony. It's all very complicated stuff that my friend Twilight could explain better, but basically, when we band together we can solve just about any of life's problems."

Interesting, it seems this detour wasn't a detour. "That's very intriguing, Rainbow Dash. As it happens, I came to this planet to find the answer (question actually) to all of life's problems. How about you get your friends, and I'll get my friends, and we can meet at the center of town in an hour."

And so, our heroes have met some completely random strangers, and are going to meet them in the center of town to talk about the magic of friendship, and all associated things thereof. In an hour. Fillian didn't know why she said meet them in an hour, because she had no means of contacting her comrades to let them know she had a lead. It could take far longer than an hour for them to arrive. Then again, it could be far shorter. Actually, do they even have clocks on this planet, because if not, that might be a problem.