Where's the Punchline, Celestia?
Nothing was wrong.
Nothing was wrong at all.
As far as Discord was concerned, there was absolutely nothing wrong at all.
Discord was a spirit of chaos and disorder made manifest who was generally trapped by the in stone by the magic of the Elements of Harmony most of the time because he's a big meanie-face. Recently, despite all odds and plausible logic, Fluttershy, one of the wielders of the Elements, had reformed him and turned him good. Or at least not as evil.
Right now, he was sitting in Ponyville's library, where Twilight Sparkle, another of the Element bearers, lived. Twilight sat opposite to him at the table, cups of tea laid out for both of them.
“Discord?” Twilight inquired. “Discord, did you hear me?”
“I heard you.” Discord said, irritated at Twilight's insistence.
“And . . . what do you have to say for yourself? For us?” Twilight added.
“Nothing.” Discord growled back, his bushy eyebrows bunching.
“Discord, this is not something you can take lightly.” Twilight said, putting her hoof on the table. “I know taking something seriously is against your nature, but you need to step up to the plate on this one.”
Discord turned and huffed, like a foal being told he couldn't have his desert until he ate his dinner. “No, I don't.”
“Yes, you do.”
“No. I don't.”
“Yes, you – oh, forget it.” Twilight gave up, wrapping her hooves around her head. “What's the point? I should have known not even something this would have made you take responsibility for your actions.” Twilight proceeded to get up from the table, pushing her cup of tea aside. As she scooted her chair under the table, she gave Discord a spiteful glance.
“Of all the ponies who were there that night . . . of all the creatures in Equestria it could have been, it had to be you.” Twilight said hatefully. Discord wasn't bothered. Some ponies might be offended, or hurt, or upset, but not Discord. Discord liked making people hate him. It made them easier for him to manipulate when their hatred overrode their common sense.
Twilight turned from the table and limped away like one of her legs had been replaced by a peg leg. She had to walk that way, because she kept her hoof pressed against her swollen stomach.
“Uuh . . .” Spike, Twilight's dragon assistant, stuttered. He looked to Discord. “What was that all about?”
“Oh, who knows?” Discord questioned. “It's impossible to tell with women.” Discord sipped his tea as he and Spike watched Twilight climb her way up the stairs. More than once, Twilight halted to give Discord another hateful glare before continuing.
Discord scratched his whiskery beard. Using his powers to distort the reality around him, Discord detached his beard and twisted and squeezed like it was a wet rag he was trying to dry. He popped his beard back on, then looked to Spike. “Spike? Could I ask you for a personal favor?”
Spike gulped. Doing a personal favor for Discord, Spirit of Disharmony, did not sound like it would end well. Despite this, Spike hesitantly agreed. “S-sure! What do you need?”
“I need you to go grey for a moment.” Discord explained.
“Grey?”
“Remember the first time I was freed from stone, Spike?” Discord asked. “When I turned everypony grey and made them act opposite to themselves? I need you to do that – just for a few minutes – so I can . . .” Discord's voice became very low and quiet. “Have someone to talk to.”
Spike was baffled by what Discord meant by that, but in the spirit of good friendship, he agreed. “Uh. Okay . . . just for a few minutes, right?”
“Just for a few minutes.” Discord assured him with a warm smile before putting his talon to Spike's forehead. Spike's eyes were overturned by bright colors, before a magical aura swept over him, turning his purple and green body grey.
“I say,” Spike said with a British drawl, “my talents are being wasted being subservient to that purple wench of a unicorn! I should break out on my own and do something with my life!”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need to talk, not you.” Discord grumbled, snapping his fingers. Spike's mouth was magically turned into a zipper which sealed his mouth shut. Discord got up from his seat and began pacing through the air like it was the floor.
“Now, listen . . .”
Much later, Twilight stepped out of the library. Discord and Spike, brought back to normal so that Twilight wouldn't know anything had happened, waved her goodbye.
“Have a nice day, Twilight!” Spike cheered.
“Thank you, Spike.” Twilight said.
“Yes! A nice day with all your friends!” Discord stressed.
“Shut up, Discord.”
“Woof.” Spike whistled as Twilight disappeared. He turned to Discord. “What was that all about?”
“I already told you, remember?” Discord said, going back into the library.
“No . . . no, I don't!” Spike exclaimed, rushing after the draconequus.
“Oh, that's right. You were all greyed out and I used a spell to make sure you had no memory of it.” Discord explained. “Oh well!”
“Oh come on!” Spike complained. “That's not fair! You're a jerk, Discord.”
Meanwhile, Twilight wandered about Ponyville, looking for friends. She didn't have to look far until Pinkie Pie bounced into view.
“Hey, Twilight!” Pinkie announced, approaching her. “Boy, last night was fun, huh? Like our troubles just melted away into -”
“Pinkie Pie.” Twilight put a hoof to Pinkie's mouth to silence her. “I have something I need to tell you, and I need you not to tell anypony else, okay?”
Pinkie Pie nodded. “'Inkie 'Omise.” She breathed through Twilight's hoof.
Twilight removed her hoof and took in a deep breath. “Okay . . . what happened last night . . . ”
When Twilight was done explaining, she hoped Pinkie Pie would have something to cheer her up. To make her feel better.
To make it all go away.
But alas, Pinkie Pie, the self-proclaimed “party pony” who made it her goal in life to make everypony, had nothing.
“Get back here you!” Rainbow Dash growled in frustrating, chasing after a particularly pesky raincloud.
“Rainbow Dash?” Twilight called, galloping towards her pegasus friend, futilely trying to exercise her pegasus magic on the clouds to get them in the correct position. “Rainbow Dash, I need to talk to you!”
“Yeah, yeah. It can wait until I'm done with these clouds!”
“No, Rainbow Dash, it really can't!”
“Sure it can!” Rainbow Dash insisted, rocketing after another loose cloud. “You . . . go over here! Okay! Okay . . .” Rainbow Dash gently flitted earthward until she on the ground, next to Twilight. “I guess I can take a break. What's up? Hey,” Rainbow Dash nudged Twilight on the shoulder, “last night was pretty great, huh?”
“That . . .” Twilight stammered. “That's what I need to talk to you about. . . about last night.”
“Oh, okay.” Dash said, her voice becoming quieter as potential concerns occurred to her.
“I really need you to give me your full attention on this, Rainbow Dash.”
Dash stiffened up, like a dog taking point. “You have it, one-hundred and twenty percent.”
Twilight sighed. “Okay . . . it goes like this . . .” Twilight then explained to her
“Oh, gosh . . . wow.” Rainbow Dash said when Twilight was done explaining. “Just . . . wow. I-I don't know what to say, Twilight . . . I . . . wish there was something I could do!” Rainbow Dash stomped her hoof into the ground.
“Well, there isn't.” Twilight replied.
“I . . .” Rainbow Dash put a hoof on her head and turned around. “I need to go fly.”
“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight snapped. How could she think about flying at a time like this?
“I'm sorry, Twilight . . . this is just a little too much for me. Flying clears my head.” Rainbow Dash flapped her wings and took off for the sky, completely forgetting about the clouds she was previously trying to fix, surely leaving the weather schedule in a flux for a week.
Twilight then went to Fluttershy's house. Fluttershy was a shy girl, so she lived in a cottage far on the outskirts of town. A small wood ramp led up to Fluttershy's door. Getting over the ramp, Twilight knocked. Fluttershy answered quickly.
“Oh, hello, Twilight!” Fluttershy exclaimed cheerfully, her mane disheveled and off-center, but her bright smile was genuine. “Boy, last night was wild, huh? It was a great chance for us all to get closer together and bond, wasn't it?” Fluttershy giggled, probably thinking about inappropriate antics she had gotten into.
“Yes . . . well, Fluttershy, for some of us, we bonded a little too closely together.”
“Hmm?” Fluttershy asked. “What do you mean?”
And so Twilight explained what happened to Fluttershy, just as she did Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash before her.
“Huh-buh-wha-huh- what- no!” Fluttershy stammered, her face rapidly switching between various expressions of shock, shame, sympathy, and disbelief. “I- it- no! NO! Oh, oh . . . oh, Twilight Sparkle, I am so sorry. I- I didn't mean for this to happen.”
“I know you didn't.”
“But-still I – it – no – it can't – I wish there was something – oooh my goodness, I feel dizzy . . .” Fluttershy lost her balance, stumbling. She put her hoof to her head. “I am so sorry.” Fluttershy repeated herself one more time before she rolled over onto her back and fainted.
Twilight shook her head. Figures Fluttershy would faint. She had a much weaker constitution than anypony else in the group.
Twilight's next stop was to go to Sweet Apple Acres, where Applejack lived. Then she was going to go to Rarity's house, but thankfully for here, Rarity was already there with Applejack. They seemed to be discussion things giddily under the shade of an apple tree.
“Well, now, darling . . . “ Rarity said in her posh voice. “I always hoped one day Big Macintosh would by the one to resuce me from a group of thugs. I never imagined it would be you!” She said loudly, causing both her and Applejack to laugh.
“Yeah . . . Ah never thought Ah'd end up wit' y'all of all ponies in the position we were in last night, but you know what? For somepony who reads romance novels all the time, yer not too bad!” They both giggled again.
“Still, it's a shame your brother had to go with Fluttershy . . . though I suppose-”
“Hold that thought, Rarity.” Applejack insisted, silencing Rarity with a hoof to her mouth. Applejack had noticed Twilight. Taking her stetson hat off her head, Applejack waved at Twilight. “Howdy, Twi! Come on over!”
“Hello, Applejack. Hello, Rarity.” Twilight said emotionless as she walked down the lumpy hill leading to Sweet Apple Acres.
“Wut can Ah do ya fer?” Applejack humbly inquired.
“Do so regale us with tales of your exploits last night, darling!” Rarity insisted, lying against the tree while purring suggestively. Applejack blushed, though she was smiling.
Twilight took in a deep breath. Then she told them what happened, just as she told Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy.
“Oh . . . oh my.” Rarity exclaimed breathlessly, falling against the tree.
Applejack gulped, swinging her Stetson over her chest solemnly. “Ah'm . . . Ah'm sorry, Twilight, Ah don't know what to tell ya . . .”
“That's okay.” Twilight said. “Pinkie, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy didn't know either.”
“That's . . . that's absolutely dreadful, darling.” Rarity declared. “Have you, um . . .” Rarity bit her hoof, indecisive about what she was going to say, and whether she should say it or not. “Have you thought about surgery?”
Applejack's eyebrows shot up in alarm. “Now, wait here jus' a hoof-lickin' minute!” She rounded on Rarity. “Ain't no need for that!”
“Um, no need for what?” Twilight asked innocently, blissfully aware. “Girls? What . . . what do you mean by surgery?”
“It was just a suggestion.” Rarity tried to deflect. “I merely meant that . . . that it's an option.”
“It most certainly is not an option!” Applejack snarled. “Ah don't care how horrible it is, doing that is even worse!”
“Girls?” Twilight tried in vain to get their attention back on her. “I still don't know what you're talking about.”
“Well, Applejack, put yourself in poor Twilight's horseshoes! Here she is with – with this awful thing following her around, and there's no way she can get rid of it! Except . . . except for maybe, just maybe, that.”
“”That” is unacceptable, no matter the circumstance!” Applejack insisted.
“Uggh!” Twilight let out a frustrated grunt. How could she decide if she wanted to do this “surgery” thing if Applejack and Rarity would stop arguing about for five seconds to stop tell her what it was!? “I'm gonna go tell the Princess now!” Twilight frustratedly waited for either pony to tell her they had heard her, but as they continued to bicker, she realized it was hopeless. “Bye!”
“And on further note, Applejack – wait, where did dear Twilight go?”
“Aw, consarn it, Rarity! Yer fancy talk must have scared her off!”
“My fancy talk!?” Rarity balked at the accusation. “Perhaps she's just uncomfortable with the subject matter, that's all.”
“As she should be. Ain't nopony should have to do that kind of thing to themselves.” Applejack concluded. She gave Rarity a hateful glare. “And tah think Ah slept wit' you!”
“Oh yeah!?” Rarity growled back. “Well – well, I'd do it with you again while sober!” Both their eyes widened. Rarity blushed and covered her mouth. “That, uh, that didn't come out right . . . ”
Elsewhere in Ponyville, Discord was sitting on the edge of a peer, dressed in a fishing jacket and hat, a dozen different types of lures pinned all over his clothes. A fishing rod was held in his claws, cast out into the water. A box was next to him.
He got a bite on the reel and proceeded to pull it up. He was visibly disappointed when it turned out to be an old, wet, soggy boot. Discord yanked the boot off his lure and was about to throw back into the water when he had an idea. Using his magic, he turned the boot into a fish stick in the shape of an actual fish.
“Glub?” The fish stick fish questioned, confused as to why it was in Discord's claws and curious about its purpose in life. Discord threw back into the water, thus increasing the chances his next catch – and the catch of any future fishers in this spot – was up by one fish stick fish and down by one boot.
Discord sighed when the clomp of hoofsteps coming behind her.
“Hello, Discord.” Fluttershy greeted in that disarmingly sweet voice of hers. Discord knew better than to let his guard down, though. One minute, she's saying hello, the next, she's tricking him to doing chores. And who knows where it went from there?
“Hello, Fluttershy.” Discord's voice was dripping with caustics as he flung his reel back into the water. “What brings you here?”
“Um . . . Twilight told me. About what happened last night.”
“Yeeeeesss?” Discord drawled, conjuring a pair of sunglasses and bringing them over his eyes to show his disinterest.
“And, um . . . I thank you should tell the Princess.” Fluttershy said. “She's very close to Twilight.”
Discord scoffed. “Bah! What do I have to gain by running and telling on myself to Old Celly?”
“Well . . .” Fluttershy stuttered. “It would give a chance to seem responsible, which I'm sure Celestia would really appreciate . . .”
Discord's teeth flashed through his lips. There that word was again. “Responsible.” He hated it. He hated that word so much. He was Discord, God of Chaos and Joker Extraordinaire! “Responsible” was not in his vocabulary! Responsibility was for ponies like Celestia and Twilight, with their – with their words and their letters and their duties! That was for boring ponies like them! Not him! Not Discord! He – he was an exciting draconequus! He was unpredictable, yet charming! Random, chaotic, and sporadic were all good words to describe him!
But responsible? No. Just-just . . . no, okay?
“No.” Discord insisted.
“No?” Fluttershy questioned.
“Yes. No.” Discord growled. “No, I will not be going to the Princess to tell her what happened. It's . . . it's somepony else's problem.”
Discord knew he had made a costly mistake, as he heard Fluttershy growl behind him. He whipped around to intercede, only for Fluttershy to touch her face to his, her teeth showing in frightening ways Discord could only imagine for his own teeth.
“Now you listen here, buster!” Fluttershy yelled, jabbing her hoof into his chest. “As far as I'm concerned, NONE of this would have happened if it wasn't for me and my insistence that we bond with you! So the fact this happened is on my head! But it's also on your head, and really, try as I might to figure out how to blame myself, the only problem that's actually real and not imagined by me is all! Your! Fault! So take responsibility for your actions for once, just ONCE, and - ”
Fluttershy took in a deep breath before screaming right into Discord's face with the booming bass of a drummer on steroids.
“FIIIIIIIIX IIIIIIIIT!”
The force of her scream was so powerful it blew Discord over the pier into the water, getting his fur all soggy and wet.
“Oh, Fluttershy!” Discord whined melodramatically, overacting. “Look what you've done to my coiffure! Rarity would have such a fit if she saw me now!”
“Discord!” Fluttershy shrieked, landing on the pier. Discord noticed a very large spiderweb fracture appear in the side of the pier that he was certain was not there before her hooves touched the ground. “I swear, I will get the Elements of Harmony and turn you into stone all by myself if you don't get your act together THIS INSTANT!”
Realizing he was pushing his luck more than he could get away with, and that Fluttershy would probably make good on that threat, Discord flew up out of the water and surrendered.
“Okay! Okay! I'm going to Canterlot to tell the Princess right now, see?” Discord snapped his fingers, disappearing in a flash of white light. Fluttershy humphed and smiled to herself, satisfied at her handiwork.
Discord teleported himself just outside the royal throne room, intending to make a dramatic entrance into the room.
“Dear Princess Celestia,” Discord began in the thundering voice a playwright narrator, “I come bearing grave news -”
Discord stepped into the room, but he stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Twilight had beaten him there, and was already chatting the Princess up. Discord quickly scampered his way out of the room before they noticed. In his rush to get out, his tail smacked one of the doors. The door swung back and forth, the eerie squeak of its hinges attracting Twilight's and Celestia's attention. Thankfully for Discord, he managed to hide behind the door, so they were none the wiser. He couldn't help but wonder what they were talking about in there, but it sounded private. So naturally, being Discord, he decided to eavesdrop.
“What troubles you, my faithful student?” Celestia asked. She sniffed the air, steadily coming closer to Twilight. “Twilight Sparkle, you smell like … your pheromones … are you-?”
“Yes.” Twilight answered. “Yes, I am. That's … what I wanted to talk to you about, actually.”
Celestia waited for Twilight to continue. But Twilight only scuffed her hoof and looked away. Celestia decided to offer some guidance.
“What happened?”
Twilight cried a little. She had been crying all day and all night, so her eyes were red and puffy, but she still had all the requirements she needed to cry. She sniffed and began to tell the Princess what she told the others.
“After you had us reform Discord, Fluttershy saw that the rest of us still didn't trust him.”
“Observant of her.”
“So she had an idea.” Twilight went on, stopping to wipe a tear from her. “She decided it would be a good to round up the girls, and Discord and … go out to a bar. For drinks. As friends. With Discord.”
Celestia nodded.
“Big Macintosh insisted on coming to protect Applejack. We all had a good time, even though we still kept an eye on him.” Twilight continued. “Eventually we warmed up, cracking jokes with him and asking him to do tricks.”
“That's good, I suppose.”
“Eventually, we had to leave. Fluttershy went home with Big Macintosh, who came to keep an eye on Applejack. Pinkie and Rainbow Dash were sober, so they went to their homes by themselves. Applejack went home with Rarity. And I ...” Twilight hiccuped.
“I went home with Discord.”
Celestia nodded. “As what he did to your friends during your first encounter proves, he can be quite convincing when he wants to be.”
“We ...” Twilight stopped. “We ...”
“Twilight Sparkle ...” Celestia said soothingly.
“We had sex.” Twilight admitted, bursting into a full on sob, her muzzle drenched with tears. “We had sex, and he – he got me pregnant! I'm carrying his baby!”
“Oh, Twilight ...” Celestia said. She spread her wing out, inviting Twilight to cry into it. Twilight couldn't accept the invitation fast enough. She stuffed her snout into the Princess's feathers, Celestia's wings barely muffling her loud crying. The pitiful sound escaped Celestia's wing and reverberated through the royal hall.
“I'm so sorry.” Celestia said, curling her neck over Twilight's like a mother. “If I had known this would happen, I'm not sure I would have let him out ...”
Twilight sniffed forcefully, pulling out from her wing. “And the worst part … the worst part is he won't take responsibility for it! HE put this- this thing inside me!”
Discord, hearing this, feel himself possessed by a spirit of fatherly instinct. He wanted to barge in and say something corny, to the effect “that's no thing, that's my son!” and deal with the results, but he resisted. He was Discord, Spirit of Chaos. Not “Daddy, Spirit of Good Parenting.”
“This has never happened before.” Twilight said. “I looked through every book in the library and then some, and there's never been a draconequus who impregnated a pony before.” Twilight said. “And he still won't admit any responsibility for it. I mean, I could die giving birth to this thing!”
“Twilight Sparkle.” Celestia said sternly. Now would not be the best time for scoldings, but Celestia strongly felt Twilight need a reminder. Thankfully, Twilight caught on without Celestia needing to elaborate.
“I'm sorry, Princess, I'm just upset. I could die giving birth to him.” Twilight stressed. “His horns could pierce something vital. His horns could pierce something vital and I could die before I gave birth to him! HE could die during birth or in the womb or … get miscarried or something else awful because my pony womb doesn't have the right equipment to keep him alive or properly deliver him! I mean, it's a womb for PONIES, not donkey-snake … chaos-god things!”
“Twilight Sparkle … I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.” Celestia touched her horn to Twilight's, nuzzling her again. “Rest assured, my faithful student, I will see to it he answers for this.”
Twilight sniffed. “Thank you, Princess.” She looked at the ground before turning her back up again. “Princess, Rarity suggested I go through a “surgery” … do you know what she meant?”
Celestia breathed heavily. “Yes. I had hoped not to discuss this, but considering the situation ... some ponies … some ponies just aren't fit to be mothers. Some ponies don't want to have children. So they go into see a doctor. And the doctors … the doctors will abort the baby. They will un-birth it. They will kill it before it even existed.”
Twilight gasped. “That's horrible! Why would anypony do something like that?”
“As awful as it is to hear, Twilight, in some cases … it's better that way. At least, that's what ponies believe. Better a dead child than a child who has to grow up in the filthiest, disgusting parts of the city street, in a dark alleyway.”
Twilight frowned. “Princess … how do you feel about it?”
Celestia did her best for a neutral answer. She knew if she disparaged the action in anyway, Twilight would never consider it. But Twilight deserved to have the chance to consider it.“I believe all life is precious.” Celestia answered simply.
Twilight ducked her head, looking at her swollen belly. “Princess … should I … get surgery and “un-birth” him? Or her?”
Celestia looked at Twilight with eyes that gleamed with sympathy and resignation. “If that is what you feel is best.”
Twilight looked down. “Thank you.” Twilight turned away from her and began walking to the entrance.
Discord quickly put himself against the wall. He held up his fist and blew on his knuckles in an attempt to look cool and collected. The door squeaked as Twilight came out from it.
“Hello, bookworm. How did it go with Celestia?” Discord asked.
Twilight gave him another hateful glare. She left, but not before deliberately stomping on his foot.
“Gaah!” Discord hopped up and down, holding his injured leg. After the pain subsided, he put his leg down. He pulled himself up, rapping on his chest as he made himself look prouder than he actually was at this moment, ready to confidently walk into the room …
Then Celestia opened the door before he could knock.
“Ah, Discord.” Celestia said. “Just the pony I wanted to see. Would you come in here, please?”
Despite his best efforts to appear unconcerned, Discord gulped. He followed Celestia back into the room. Celestia walked half-way to her throne before stopping and turning around.
“Twilight Sparkle has told me her version of events that transpired last night.” Celestia said, glaring at him. Her eyes held a barely-restrained desire to cause death and rain destruction. “Now, while I am angry with you, I am not so blinded by rage that I will not allow you the chance to explain yourself. So tell me, Discord, what is your version of these events?”
Discord huffed. Even though he had been spying, he still felt compelled to ask. “What did Twilight Sparkle tell you?”
“She told you went home with her, drunk, and got her pregnant.”
Discord shrugged. “True. I don't deny it.”
“She also told me you won't take any responsibility for your actions … or for the child.” Celestia added. Discord nodded.
“Had I known that you were going to get her pregnant, I would have re-considered whether or not I wanted to free you from your stone prison.” Celestia said. “Had I known you would have been this callous about it, I would have never let you out.”
“Of course you wouldn't.” Discord chuckled, setting Celestia off.
She stomped her hoof. “This is all a joke to you, isn't it? Just a game, isn't it? Do you realize what you've done to her?”
Discord scoffed. “Of course! I'm not a complete idiot, Princess.” Discord snapped his fingers. His head and torso were turned into a dunce cap with his limbs still attached. As an aid to the visual, his body split in in two before reforming and returning to normal. “I heard what Twilight Sparkle said about this being completely without precedent. Rather like myself, don't you think? “Completely without precedent.””
“Discord, I will have you turned back to stone if you don't shape up and take responsibility for what you've done.”
“Responsibility?” Discord balked. “Perhaps we haven't met. I'm Discord, Spirit of Chaos? I do jokes. I play tricks. I manipulate others. I DON'T “take responsibility.” I tell jokes and do the best pranks!” he made shadows of puppets appear on the wall which he began manipulating. “Life's just a joke, Celestia. You spend the whole time building yourself up for a punchline that never comes. It's all a joke. Anything anypony ever cared about, it's just a monstrous demented gag! So why aren't you laughing?”
Celestia glared at him, refusing to play his game. Then she noticed something. Something off, something very … un-Discord-y of him.
“Discord?”
“Yeeeees?” Discord trilled, still playing with his literal shadow puppets.
“Why aren't you laughing? You've only made one joke since you came in here.”
“Why aren't I laughing?” Discord said, sounding offended. He placed his claws over his chest. “I am laughing! I'm absolutely laughing! I'm having giggle fits! I'm in an uproar!”
“No.” Celestia said. She sounded like she was actually worried about him. “No, you're really not. I know you longer than anypony, Discord. I can see something's wrong. What is it?”
“I ...” Discord answered, delaying his full response. “I ...” he circled his claw in the air.”
“Yes? I'm here, Discord. I'm listening.”
“I ...”
“Go on ...”
“I don't know the punchline.” Discord whimpered.
“What? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.”
“I don't know the punchline.” Discord repeated, a little louder.
“What?” Celestia asked. She understood what he said … she just didn't grasp what he meant. Finally, that wall Discord had been hiding behind all day came crashing down.
“I DON'T KNOW THE PUNCHLINE!” Discord wailed, collapsing to his knees. “What's the PUNCHLINE? I don't know! I got a young mare pregnant! That's not funny! It's boring! It's trite and unoriginal! How many horror stories have you heard where the plucky mare winds up pregnant? Me, me, I'm the KING of originality! And I don't know the punchline! Celestia … Celestia. Where's the punchline, Celestia?”
Celestia gazed at him sadly. This once-proud draconequus, the scourge of Equestria, one of the deadliest villains she had ever fought … reduced to blubbering tears in her hallway, turning to her for comfort.
“Discord … I'm sorry, but I don't think there is a punchline.” Celestia was honest, but sympathetic to him. Which surprised her after how angry she had been with him.
“But … there has to be!” Discord cried in denial. “Getting somepony pregnant is funny! Turning Big Macintosh into a dog – throwing a pie in somepony's face – buffalo ballerina – and any prank Pinkie Pie comes up with – now THAT'S funny! Pregnancy isn't funny …. what's the follow-up? What's the follow-up? Where's the JOKE?”
“I'm sorry, Discord. I don't know.”
Discord remained on the floor, crying his eyeballs out. Literally, as the water gushed up and forced his eyes out, rolling them onto the floor. Celestia supposed this was a sad attempt at humor.
“You're not cut out to be a father.” Celestia said. Harsh, but true. “And you know it, don't you?”
Discord looked at her with his empty eye sockets. “Well,” Discord cried, scooping up his eyes and screwing them back in. “At least I can tell Fluttershy I did the right thing ...” he walked out of the room.
Fluttershy was overwhelmingly pleased to hear Discord share the news that he had run off and tattled himself to Celestia like a good little boy. Discord did not share her enthusiasm. After talking to her, he returned to Twilight's house, where she was reading some books, true to form. She was also writing something.
“What are you doing?” Discord halfheartedly asked her, levitating just over her.
“Writing out my will.” Twilight snarled, glaring at him. “Because SOMEPONY put something inside me that neither magic nor science can tell me for sure if it's going to kill me or not.”
“Mm. And the books?”
“Spells.” Twilight said. “To – hopefully – protect myself and make myself as enhanced as possible, theoretically enabling me to survive giving birth to your offspring.” Twilight poked him on the nose, making sure to emphasis as much as possible that this was all his fault.
“Hmm.” Discord decided he didn't have to put up with this guilt-slinging and went upstairs. Conjuring a hammock with a snap of his fingers, he settled in for a nap.
He dreamed. He went into his dreamland, where he lived in another world. An alternative universe, one where he had won against Twilight's friends and the whole world was the way he liked it. Everypony had their colors washed away and their personalities inverted or altered.
He was standing in a ring. A circus tent. He was in the middle of the pit, a grayed-out Celestia in a red and black harlequin with a domino mask stood next to him. There was something covered in a blue blanket. In the crowd where all of Twilight's friends, all with grays on their coat.
“Ladies and gentleman!” Discord announced, a cloud of purple smoke rising from his feet and covering him as purple clothing materialized on him. A hat, a tuxedo, and an orange shirt. “The one, the only, the AMA-ZING Discord! Here tonight for your pleasure and amusement!” Discord bowed while the ponies in the crowd cheered and whooped for him.
“Tonight, we have a special trrrreat!” Discord said, producing a white-tipped wand and pointing it at Celestia. “For tonight, my lovely assistant, Celestia will unveil -”
Discord wasn't entirely sure what was supposed to be under the blue blanket. He could influence his dreams, sure, but he liked it to leave control to its own for surprises.
That is, when the surprises weren't like this. Instead of anything Discord would liked to see, under the blanket was a bloated Twilight Sparkle inside a crib.
“Wha?” Before Discord could get too far into questioning it, there were jeers and boos from the crowd.
“That's not funny!”
“How rude!”
“Ah think it's hilarious!” Applejack said. Of course, in Discord's world, Applejack was a double-talker who said the opposite of what she meant.
“I … I ...” Discord turned to his assistant, harlequin Celestia. She always stuck by his side. Unfortunately, she was leaning over the side of the crib, looking at Twilight like she was a freakshow attraction.
“Discord, sweetie ...” Celestia said. “What is this? This isn't funny.”
“But-but-” Discord stuttered. Someone tapped him on the back. He turned around to see a huge boulder – “Tom,” who he had made Rarity fall in love with during his first escape.
“Excuse me.” Tom said.
“Yes?” Discord growled.
“I brought my wife to be amused.” Tom said, rolling around to gesture at Rarity, who was in a dress and cradling another, smaller rock. “This ...” Tom rolled to gesture at Twilight. “Is not amusing. So I would like to request our money back.”
“Er, yes, well ...” Discord turned away, only to see a pony in a suit and electronic earpiece. The pony forced a paper into Discord's hands. “What's this?”
“Child support payment.” The pony said. “You are way overdue, Mister Discord. I'm afraid we have to repossess your assets to pay for your overdue payments.”
Discord growl and got his fists ready for a tussle. He was suddenly mobbed and dogpiled by multiple ponies in suits. When the onslaught of stallions died, Discord had lost his tux and hat.
As jeers, boos, accusations of not being funny, and complaints against him of a parental nature, Discord covered his ears to block it all out.
At least until he sprung out of his hammock, wide awake. He went down the stairs, where Twilight was gone, but the rest of her friends were there, talking.
“Oh.” Rarity said upon noticing him. “Hello, Discord ...” she wasn't as good as the others at hiding her disappointment with him.
Discord sighed. “Look, I get it, okay? I have made a grrrrevious error.. Accidents happen. I did something highly inappropriate and there's not much I can do about it. Oh, WOE IS ME!" He feinted a swoon, making a raincloud appear over his head.
“Well ...” Rarity said. “You could use your magic to make it not exist.”
“Rarity!” Applejack scolded.
“Well, it's an option ...”
Discord laughed. “No, it's really not. I can make thing exist, and I can alter things, and I can make the things I make with my magic stop existing, but I can't make something that exist independently of my magic not-exist. Honestly, if it that was easy, did you really think I would have let you win the first time we met? What was to stop me from just un-existing the Elements, hmm?”
“Fair point.” Rarity conceded. “Still, there's the option of going back in time and intervening before it happened. That would fix it.”
“I can't do that either.” Discord insisted. “And even if I could ...”
“What?” Rarity growled as all but Fluttershy glared at him. “What, Discord?”
Discord shook his fists. “I wouldn't, because – because that's my child.” Discord admitted. He slicked his fingers against his head.
There I go, sounding responsible. Discord thought to himself. Next thing you know, I'm making payments and taking Twilight to dinner and playing catch with our son ...
“Um, girls?” Fluttershy asked. “Aren't you all forgetting what we were just discussing?”
“What?” Discord asked.
“We're gonna have a BABY SHOWER!” Pinkie screamed, excited at any excuse for a party, no matter how sobering the cause of the party might be.
“Are you sure I – I mean, Twilight even wants a baby shower?” Discord asked, intending to smoothly manipulate them into dropping the idea.
“Well, no.” Applejack answered. “But we were talkin' about that, too.”
“Why wouldn't she!?” Pinkie asked, oblivious. Or perhaps faking oblivious to mask her brilliance. “A party will make her so much happier and … maybe it'll make her realize this can be a good thing! It doesn't have to be all gloomy and doomy!”
Discord grimaced internally. He knew, once Pinkie her heart set on a party, nothing short of the Apocalypse would stop her. And even then, she'd probably just salvage what she could and throw the party amidst the ashes.
Figuring that none of them were in the mood to listen to him, except for maybe Fluttershy, Discord walked out of the house to find Twilight. Perhaps if she talked to them, they would drop the ridiculous idea of a baby shower.
He didn't have to go far. He easily found her at the Sofa and Quills store, talking to the clerk while a box of quills was levitated about her.
“ – I'm so sorry to hear about your sofa shortage.” Discord heard her say. “I didn't realize furniture was such a heavy, competitive market. Anyway, thanks again for the quills.” Twilight left with a smile on her face, but that disappeared as soon as she saw Discord.
“Oh, it's you.” She said to him. “What do you want.”
“Nothing in particular.” Discord said, rubbing his chin. “But your friends are all discussing the idea of a baby shower.”
“A BABY SHOWER!?” Twilight bellowed, dropping her box of recently-purchased quills. Forgetting her quills, she made a mad dash towards her library to curb any further talk of the ridiculous idea.
Discord watched her go, then noticed the box of quills on the ground. The impact from being dropped had made its top burst open and spill the quills on the ground. Discord gathered them up and put them back in the box before picking the box up. He stared at it for awhile before sighing.
He knew he had done something wrong. He had a view of the world and a morality system that was patchwork and mismatched as his body was, but he knew he did something wrong. It was just that, in that system, the “something” was not the same “something” as other ponies might think of it. Other ponies would think him getting Twilight pregnant was wrong. And it was, but that wasn't what bugged him.
It was that he been unfunny. Like Pinkie Pie, everything was worthwhile to Discord as long as a somepony was laughing. Though frequently he was the only one that was.
But nopony was laughing now. Himself included.
He supposed he probably could have stopped his dream earlier from getting out of hand like it did. He just didn't because deep down, he had feelings of guilt and felt he deserved to be punished, even if it was merely in a dream.
“What are you doing with those quills, Discord?”
“Ah!” Discord was startled by Celestia appearing in front of him like a phasing ghost. Startled enough to drop the box. Biting his lip, Discord picked it up again.
“Either you're considering taking up writing as a hobby, or those are quills that Twilight bought and dropped at the sound of unpleasant news.” Celestia said.
“Your ability to guess never ceases to amaze, Celestia.” Discord said.
“Not guess.” Celestia retorted. “Observe. I suspect Twilight would appreciate if you brought those quills back to her.”
“Yes, I suppose you're right.” Discord turned to levitate towards the house. Abruptly teleporting himself there would most likely not go over well the way the things were right now. Discord noticed Celestia walking alongside him.
“What are you doing here anyhoo?” Discord asked her.
“Why, I'm here for the baby shower.” Celestia politely answered.
Discord sputtered. “Baby shower!”
“Yes. Pinkie Pie sent out invitations less than twenty minutes ago.” Celestia answered. “You don't mind if I walk with you there?”
“No, no.” Discord said. “Not at all ...” Discord look at the re-sealed box. “Truthfully, Celestia …”
“Yes?” Celestia asked teasingly.
“I used to imagine us together.” Discord said, gazing wistfully at the sky. “We would make a lovely couple, don't you think? We're both long-lived, I'm a former ruler of Equestria, you're a current ruler of Equestria. And we know each other so well!”
“Reasonable points.” Celestia said.
Discord sighed. “I never – I never really planned on acting on it, though. It was just a thing. A little game to amuse myself with every now and again. Though I suppose it explains why you show up in my dreams as my harlequin-wearing assistant ...”
Celestia shook her head. “I'm sorry, you're … ?”
“And if I could rule Equestria ...” Discord said. “If I could have my way, before you ponies – before Fluttershy made me soft, I'd make you my consort!”
“I'm … flattered to be eligible for such a high position?” Celestia said, more of a question, as she wasn't really sure how to answer that or the last thing Discord said.
“But none of that can really happen now, can it?” Discord ask. “Not now that I'm impregnated your faithful stuuudent ...” even as somber as he was, Discord still found in him to heckle Celestia.
“No, I suppose not.” Celestia said, though she was more relieved that was she no longer “eligible” than she was concerned about Twilight's pregnancy. “Ah, we're here.”
Celestia pushed open the door. She and Discord were immediately greeted by the sounds of glass soda bottles being popped and clanked together, chugging, exploding confetti, and Pin The Tail on the Pony. A variety of friends and family had been invited over and were partying it up.
Discord was baffled. He teleported next to Twilight, who was talking with Pinkie Pie, Big Macintosh, and the Cakes, Pinkie's employers. “Twilight! I though you were going to talk them OUT of doing the baby shower!”
“I was.” Twilight said. “But when I got here, the party had already started, and everypony seemed so happy … I couldn't bring myself to say the party was over. Plus, the Cakes have a lot of good advice about dealing with a baby. (assuming I survive...)”
“The baby will be fussy at first.” Mr. Cake said.
“All babies are!” Ms. Cake chimed.
“He or she will complain and whine and fuss a lot.” Mr. Cake said.
“Give him a lot, but do not give him everything, or he'll grow up spoiled.” Ms. Cake said.
“You hear that, Discord?” Twilight said sharply. “Spoiled.”
“I know what spoiled means.” Discord crossed his arms.
“And it'll be a terrifying experience the first few weeks.” Mr. Cake said.
“You will be constantly afraid of anything hurting your baby.” Ms. Cake added.
“It'll be terrifying. Things that were friendly and good once will become monsters. A dress will be looming castle of spiky doom. It'll be excruciating.”
“Horrifying.”
“Terrifying.”
“Nerve-wracking.”
“But after those first couple of weeks, it'll get better.”
“Thanks.” Twilight said, shaking their hooves. They went to socialize with other ponies at the party while Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash gathered around Twilight. “Hello, girls.”
“Hello, Twilight.” Fluttershy greeted softly. She lifted her slightly. “Hello, Discord.”
The other girls turned their heads and groaned. “Hello, Discord.” It was clear they were only even bothering to acknowledge him for Fluttershy's sake.
“Twi, wutever comes of this here thang,” Applejack wrapped her hoof around Twilight's neck, “we'll help y'all wit' it. Wutever comes our way, we'll get through as long as we stick together, y'hear?”
“Yes.” Fluttershy nodded. “And we'll all help you raise the baby. I'll sing it lullabies, teach him natural remedies and how to deal with animals.”
“Yeah!” Dash pumped her hoof. “And if he's got wings, I'll teach him all my best flying tricks!”
“Indeed, and I will stress to him the importance of fashion and appearances.” Rarity said.
“And Ah'll “stress” tha' importance of work and puttin' tha' needs of others ahead of yer own.” Applejack retorted, glancing sharply at Rarity.
“I … thank you, girls.” Twilight' said.
“So, will you marry?” Rarity asked.
“WHAT?”
“Marry!” Rarity repeated. “You know, so the baby won't become … illegitimate?”
Twilight shook her head. “I don't know. I've met plenty of good colts in Ponyville, but none of them really … click with me, you know? And besides, what's the harm in him growing up with a single mother? It's not like he's gonna grow up to be a psychopath.” Nopony noticed Discord frown.
“I've heard rumors to the contrary.”
“And we all know what indisputable proof rumors are.” Twilight quipped.
“True, but I've also read books about the subject. And the girls at the spa will tell you the same. It's not good for a boy to grow up without a male influence in his life. He'll get confused! He won't understand gender roles!”
“Would it be so bad if he didn't have gender roles tainting his view of the world?” Fluttershy asked.
“Question: what if he's a girl?” Twilight asked. “Will he still need a “male influence”?
Rarity grimaced. “Eerr ...”
Twilight sighed, putting a hoof on her head. “This would all be so much easier if none of this had happened …”
Pinkie Pie got a determined expression on her face. “Okay, that's it. I was hoping I wouldn't have to pull out the big guns, but you've left no choice, Twilight!” Twilight raised her eyebrow.
Pinkie Pie zipped to the center of the room, hoping on one of the party's table. She picked up a glass and clinked a spoon against it. “Attention, ponies! Attention, please! Your attention, if you please! Though mostly Twilight's.”
Everypony stopped what they were doing and gave Pinkie Pie their full attention.
“Now, I'm sure you all know why you're here ...” Pinkie said, gesturing to Twilight. “To celebrate Twilight having a baby. But what you probably don't know is that the baby came from some poorly planned partying last night! And Twilight – poor Twilight – she won't get over it!”
Rarity and Fluttershy gasped. “Pinkie!”
Pinkie held her hoof for silence. “Let me finish. All day long, Twilight's been sad and depressed and mopey about her baby because of the events that led up to it! Well, I say not anymore! Twilight, quit being sad.”
“Pinkie, you can't just tell someone to quit being -!”
“NOT FINISHED!” Pinkie screeched, leaping in the air like a pouncing beast. “Twilight, I know you're upset, but you need to let it go. You need to focus on the good parts, not just the bad. I know this is a really big change for you, but you need to adjust and accept it. “Let us not mourn the passing of the old! Let us celebrate the creation of the new! Let us celebrate change! For without change, changes to the world and changes to ourselves, we would erode and crack like eggs in the path of a careless beast! Let us celebrate life and all its miracles in its endless, undying cycle, constantly grinding old debris to make new forms! Let us celebrate the miracle of life, of childbirth … and the gift of motherhood.” Pinkie raised her glass in the air and took a swig.
Everypony else raised their glass. “To motherhood!” They cheered. Discord secretly had tears rolling from his eyes, the inherent beauty of the speech having gotten to him.
Pinkie Pie got off the table and walked back towards her friends. “You were saying?” They were all stunned.
“Pinkie ...” Fluttershy mumbled in awe.
“I'm impressed, Pinkie Pie! That was very deep.”
“Oh, don't be. I stole most of it off one of Maud's poems. I think it had something to do with, like, tectonic plates shifting and destroying an island or something?” Pinkie happily took another drink.
Discord looked at Twilight, who was still as a statue. He looked around the room, trying to find something that wouldn't be missed. Maybe he was growing as a person. Maybe Fluttershy was rubbing off him. Maybe somepony cast a spell while Pinkie was making her speech. He didn't know why, but he felt the need to do this. Picking up a glass of punch, Discord approached Twilight.
“Twilight Sparkle,” Discord said with a purpose. “I know I … haven't exactly set the best example for myself over the last thirty-six hours. I know you have every right to be mad at me for what I did, and for that I make no excuses. Maybe it's the punch talking, but … Twilight Sparkle, for the sake of our unborn child ...”
Discord got on his knees. He snapped his fingers, and the glass of punch turned into a black box. Discord opened it to reveal a gold ring with a blue diamond set on it.
“Will you marry me?”
Internally, Discord felt relieved, like he had redeemed himself. Perhaps not in Twilight's eyes, but in his own. He had finally found the punchline. After all, getting Twilight pregnant wasn't funny. But asking her to marry him? Him, Discord, Spirit of Chaos, married to a neat and tidy pony who get bent out of shape when her inkwells were a centimeter out of place? Hilarious.
Or at least, he thought so.
Twilight held her hoof to her mouth, speechless. Her eyes became wet, which was only a prelude for the loud, cacophonous crying that escaped her mouth a split second later. Failing to give Discord an answer, Twilight fell forward, landing on Discord's chest-fur. Discord wrapped her arms around her, allowing her to pour out her muffled sobs …
Author's Note
A lot of my reasoning for this fic was that I felt Discord needed a harsh, sobering lesson before he could really be a “friend” to our little ponies. And then “Twilight's Kingdom” happened.
Another part of it was just trying to make something that was saddening and gloomy, though not without a little bit of hope.
I also thought it was interesting to play around with Discord's morality system and how he sees the world,a t least in the context of this story. Yes, he has the capacity to grasp “wrong” (unlike a large number of villains) but his definition of “wrong” is definitely skewed. Specifically, skewed towards whether or not it makes
him laugh.
So, what do you think? Is Twilight crying at the end because she's faced with the prospect of marrying Discord, or because she's overwhelmed that he's finally taking responsibility?
Edit: There is not going to be a sequel or any form of follow-up. Doing a follow-up defeats the ending, which deliberately leaves ambiguous what Twilight's really feeling and what she's going to say.
... at least, there won't be a sequel by ME. *hint, hint.*
