ДØЯP

by PresentPerfect

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Random, Derpy Hooves, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance
Length: 2557

After a last-minute change in venue for the Equestrian Games, Twilight and company are led through the streets of Stalliongrad by Derpy and her... cousin???

Due to rampant drug use in the Crystal Empire, the Equestrian Games have been relocated to Equestria's other cold, northern city: Stalliongrad!

Thanks to their friendship with Derpy Hooves, Twilight and her friends get front-row seats to all the Stalliongradis have to offer. But in the shadows, something evil lurks. Can they unmask the mysterious Horsenberg before it's too late? And where'd Rainbow Dash go, anyway?

Note: Contains scenes of pony drug use.

Published 2014-02-22 18:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-22 18:20:02 UTC

ДØЯP

ДØЯP
by Present Perfect

"Wow!" Princess Twilight said, watching the clouds of vapor from her breath condense in the morning air. "It's so... cold!"

She was the first of her friends to step off the train from Ponyville to Stalliongrad. All around them, everything sparkled with the thin air of winter. The buildings with their distinctive onion-shaped tops were covered in thick snow, icicles dangling from overhangs. All the ponies out in the open wore thick coats, much the same as Twilight and her friends, along with the traditional tall, fuzzy Stalliongradi hats.

"Oh, but it's so lovely, Twilight," Rarity remarked. She and the others took a moment to drink in the sights and sounds of Equestria's northernmost outpost.

After a moment, Twilight said, "It's great you were able to convince the Equestrian Games Council to relocate to Stalliongrad at the last minute, Derpy."

The wall-eyed pegasus smiled. "It was no trouble at all after that mixup, Your Highness."

"Yeah," Pinkie said, hopping up and down in the snow. "Who knew there was rampant drug use in the Crystal Empire?"

Rainbow Dash, arms crossed over her chest as she hovered above her friends, snorted. "Well, it is pretty boring there."

"Miss Harshwhinny is still recovering from accidentally eating those brownies," Fluttershy added.

"Hoo-ee," Applejack began, but Derpy cut her off.

"Anyway, I'm just happy to be back in Stalliongrad again, because it means I get to see my--"

"COUSIN!"

The voice that spoke boomed across the train station, loosening a pile of snow from one of the rafters and sending it plummeting onto a nearby turnip farmer. The voice was deep and sonorous, more befitting a solidly-built earth pony stallion than the pegasus mare who was flapping toward them. She was grey with blonde mane and wore a thick fur coat and hat like the others in town. Flanking her on either side were two imposing earth pony stallions, whose features were hidden beneath their hats. They were easily three times her size.

The strange mare rushed forward and tackled Derpy in a hug.

"YOU ARE MAKINK IT TO HERE, COUSIN!" she shouted, and Derpy squealed in glee as they hugged.

"Everypony," she said to those in attendance, "I'd like you all to meet my cousin! These are Rarity..."

"Charmed."

"Fluttershy..."

"...Hi."

"Rainbow Dash..."

"Hey there."

"Pinkie Pie..."

"Wow I'd throw you a welcoming party but it's us who're new, this is so confusing!"

"And Princess Twilight Sparkle!"

"Derpy." Twilight rolled her eyes. "You don't have to call me 'Princess'."

Derpy's cousin stood at attention and saluted Twilight. This was the point at which they realized that, like Derpy, this mare had misaligned eyes. In fact, the two of them, for being cousins, looked entirely alike.

"Greetink to Princess of Eqvestria," she said. "Am Dorpi Hof. Cousin Derpy is tellink much about yous."

"Um, it's nice to meet you, Dorpi--"

Dorpi flew into the air, and somehow a red flag unfurled behind her, along with fireworks and music. "VELCOME EVERYCOMRADE TO GLORIOUS STATE OF STALLIONGRAD!"

Twilight took the opportunity to whisper to Derpy. "You and Dorpi look an awful lot alike."

"Yeah!" said Derpy. "That's because we're identical cousins!"

After a moment, a tiny plume of smoke emerged from Twilight's ear.

Her other friends finished applauding for the show and Dorpi landed.

"Thankink of you," she said. "Vill now proceedink to scheduled tour and inspection. Followink me!"

With that, she started marching off away from the station. Twilight looked at her friends and shrugged.

"When in Stalliongrad..." said Derpy. And with a giggle, they all began marching toward the town square in lockstep. Rainbow Dash was the sole exception, clucking her tongue and shaking her head as she followed above the parade of prancing ponies.

That is, until she felt teeth clamp on to her tail and drag her down.

"Hey, what gi--mfff!"

She turned back to see the two burly earth ponies as one shoved a gag roughly into her mouth and tied it around her head. In moments, her wings were bound and her legs hobbled.

"You are to be comink vith us," said the pony who'd bit her tail. It was impossible to tell them apart otherwise.

Rainbow's eyes grew wide and she tried to scream as a black bag came down over her head.

"There is havink none of illegal propaganda on site of glorious Stalliongradi Eqvestrian Games," said the other.

As the three of them vanished into a nearby building, the unlucky turnip farmer finally shook himself free of the snow and, shivering, made his way off into the town. A pair of eyes beneath a distinctive wide-brimmed hat saw everything from the shadows near the train.

Meanwhile, Dorpi was leading them all into the town square. Snow was heaped everywhere, and its sparkling kept the city from looking too dour beneath the overcast sky. Ponies trotted in pairs, going about their daily business. In the center of the square was a large, frozen fountain, and overlooking everything on a hill a few miles to the north was the grand stadium where the games would take place.

"As can be seeink," Dorpi was saying, "makink of festivity is in full sving."

She pointed with a hoof at one pegasus who was busily stretching a banner that read "EQUESTRIAN GAMES" in Stalliongradi across the plaza. The pegasus tugged and tugged, trying to make it reach the opposite pole, but after a few seconds of strain, it snapped backward and wrapped her into a cocoon.

Dorpi smiled at them. "Here, all pony is equal. In Stalliongrad, banner hang you."

"That looks painful," Twilight said.

Dorpi continued on. "Here, ve are seeink glorious Stalliongradi Eqvestrian Games team intense trainink."

She swept her hoof over a corner of the plaza where three rows of six ponies in shorts and sweatbands were currently doing pushups. A burly stallion in a tracksuit stomped up and down in front of the columns, calling out a line which they would respond to, keeping the rhythm of the workout.

"Ooh, filly!"

"Lookink at body!"

"Ohh, yeah!"

"Am vorkink out!"

Dorpi grinned. "Is good vork-outink song, da?"

"Da," said Twilight. "I mean, yes."

"Gee," said Derpy, "I bet Rainbow Dash would love to see this."

"Say, where is Rainb--"

Pinkie shoved her hoof in Applejack's mouth and, pointing off to one side, exclaimed, "Oh wow, Dorpi, what's going on over there?"

It appeared that a gray earth pony was hiding in some kind of food cart, his large fuzzy hat poking out of the spot where ice cream would have gone.

"Ahh," Dorpi said, beaming, "is glorious comrade food salespony. In Stalliongrad, food vend you."

Turning her gaze skyward, Dorpi spread her hooves. "And here in sky, is creation of mastervork pegasus weather triumph."

Above them, a thick blanket of stratus clouds turned the sky a uniform shade of grey. Pegasi were zipping back and forth, fussing with the underside of the blanket, smoothing it out and occasionally adding more cloud where needed.

"It's very, um..." Fluttershy said.

"Grey," Rarity finished.

"Bah!" Dorpi scowled. "Comrade is missink cloud. Hoy, tovarisch!"

At Dorpi's shout, one of the pegasi stopped and looked down. She made an emphatic motion to their right, and the pegasus nodded, grinned, and saluted before dashing off. They watched as he approached a small whiff of white cloud, lined himself up, and bucked it hard.

With a scream of "Uwaaaa!" he ricocheted off of it and launched over the horizon, vanishing with a twinkle. Dorpi snickered.

"What's so funny?" Twilight demanded. "He could have been hurt!"

"Pfuy," said Dorpi, waving her hoof. "Is pegasus joke. In Stalliongrad, cloud buck you!"

Twilight frowned, but her frown of consternation quickly evolved into one of confusion.

"Well, if that's the case, then I have to wonder how you wrap up winter..."

Dorpi shoved her hoof in Twilight's mouth.

"No! Is no wrappink of vinter!" Her eyes frantically scanned every which way. "Ve are not wrapping de vinter, I AM LOVINK DE VINTER!"

Above them, shadows receded from the rooftops.

Dorpi let out a sigh, wiped her hoof on her coat, and then grinned sheepishly at Twilight.

"Great apology for unscheduled hoof insertion, Your Highness."

Twilight stuck out her tongue. "Gluh. Don't... don't mention it."

At that moment, there was an explosion.

"Vhat?" Dorpi shouted, crouching and drawing her hat down over her eyes. "Explosions not scheduled until Thursday!"

Another explosion rocked the square, and ponies began screaming, running in pairs willy-nilly. The food vendor disappeared into his cart. Pegasi flew into the clouds, only to rebound off them and into more explosions, which sent them rocketing in all directions across the city.

"What's going on?" Rarity shouted. A chunk of rock bounced off the air two hooves in front of her nose and she turned to see Twilight holding up a shield spell around them.

"Where's this coming from?" Twilight grunted. "Who could be doing this?"

Dorpi chewed on her hat as buildings started to collapse around them. "Stalliongrad is breakink!" she shouted. "Is wery bad!"

Derpy gasped and pointed skyward. "Look!"

Above them, blaring a wicked jam, was an RV with hover-wheels. It kicked up clouds of cloud as it tore through the sky, bringing more explosions and destruction in its wake. In the driver's seat, laughing maniacally, was a mysterious pony in a distinctive wide-brimmed hat.

"Oh goodness, Twilight," cried Fluttershy, "can't you do something?"

Twilight turned to face the hovering utility vehicle and used magic to amplify her voice.

"You in the RV! Please stop, and surrender before you hurt anypony else!"

"I'll never stop, Princess Twilight!" came the mysterious voice. It was deep and sonorous, less befitting a normal pony than your mom after round four. (Booyah!) "I won't stop until all of Stalliongrad is rubble! Nothing can prevent the great and powerful Horsenberg from having revenge!"

Twilight was so surprised, her crown popped off.

"I know that voice!" she said in hushed tones. "It can't be!"

"Who is it, Twilight?" Pinkie asked.

"It's Empress Myxolidia, ruler of the changeling hordes! But that's impossible!"

Applejack scratched her head. "Wait, I thought the changeling queen was called Chry--"

Rarity stuck her hoof in Applejack's mouth, and Twilight continued.

"The Empress is a character I made up when I was just a foal." She searched the ground anxiously, remembering. "I used to play pretend games where she was the bad guy. And the only other pony who played those games with me was..."

The music coming from the RV ended in a dramatic chord.

"My foalsitter!"

"So you've figured it out then?"

The RV came to a stall and descended into the town square, crushing part of the frozen fountain. Out of the doorway strode a tall pegasus. The hat came off, revealing pink, purple and yellow curls, as well as a long, pink horn.

"Trottsky's ghost!" shouted Dorpi. "Is vorst pony!"

"Princess Cadence?" the other ponies chorused.

Two seconds later, Applejack said, "Whoa, it was Princess Cadence?"

"That's right," Cadence said. "And can you blame me for being upset about them moving the location of the Equestrian Games to... this Celestia-forsaken city?"

"Ve am nearest geographically to Crystal Empire," Dorpi said.

"Also I helped!" Derpy said, waving a hoof. Cadence glared at her.

"Cadence," Twilight said, stepping forward, "please, you can't just go blow ponies up over something so trivial."

"Yeah!" said Pinkie. "You should only blow ponies up for the really important stuff, like whether anarchy is preferable to democracy!"

"Trivial?" Cadence scowled. "Twilight, you don't understand how boring life in the Crystal Empire is! Ever since I defeated King Sombra--"

Twilight frowned. "You mean we defeated Sombra..."

"Whatever." Cadence rolled her eyes. "Ever since he was defeated and the Crystal Heart was restored, life has gone back to being peaceful. Too peaceful. I started grinding facets off the Crystal Heart and selling them to the Crystal Ponies to snort so they'd actually liven up some."

Jaws dropped.

"You've been mainlining the Crystal Heart?" Pinkie shouted.

From the RV window, a white head with a mop of blue mane poked out.

"Th-th-that's m-my g-g-g-girl," Shining Armor stuttered. He used his magic to tie off the vein before plunging the needle into it, and relaxed visibly, sliding back into the interior of the RV.

"So that's why they took the Games away from you," Rarity said.

Twilight tried to get closer to Cadence, but she backed away.

"Cadence, please, put an end to this." She hesitated, then added, "If you don't, we will."

Cadence laughed. "It's too late, Twilight." She held up a remote control with her magic. "When I press this button, Stalliongrad Stadium and everything within a hundred miles will be reduced to ash. It's over, Stalliongrad! You'll rue the day you crossed Horsenberg!"

"It looks like ve am gonerink," Dorpi said, turning to Derpy.

Derpy's eyes got wide. "D-does that mean...?"

"Yes, little bubble muffin."

Dorpi surged forward, locking her lips around her cousin's and pushing her to the cold, snowy ground. The sound of their fevered smooching almost drowned out Cadence's maniacal laughter.

"It is end of vorld," Dorpi whispered, "and I need not fearink secret Stalliongradi police any longer. Finally, can beink myself."

Derpy looked at her with bedroom eyes. "As the Element of Honesty, I have to agree."

Twilight drew herself up to her full height.

"Girls, formation! I don't want to, but we have to use the Elements of Harmony on Cadence. She's clearly lost her mind!"

"But there's no time!" Pinkie shouted, while bouncing on her tail.

Cadence's laughter reached a strangled pitch as her hoof neared the button. Derpy and Dorpi were locked in an eternal love's bliss. The city was, in fact, fleeing various of its inhabitants, because that's what happens in Stalliongrad. Twilight started to sweat.

"Pinkie, what do you mean?"

Pinkie shrugged. "The story's about to end!"

Dorpi broke the kiss long enough to say, "In Stalliongrad, story end you!"

And then they all died.

Except for Rainbow Dash, who spent the rest of her life in a Neighberian gulag.

ГНЭ ЁЙД

Author's Note

Let us all take a moment of silence for the really hilarious workout chant I thought up, didn't write down, and completely forgot. D:

Okay, enough of that.

I'd like to claim that I wrote this as some kind of scathing commentary on the current state of human rights in Russia, but the reality is it's a stupid idea I had back in December, and it's taken me until the day before the Olympics are over to actually write the damn thing. In the end, it just turned into "how many stupid memes can I cram in?" This is maybe the stupidest thing I've ever written, which is saying something. I would like to apologize to any actual Russians.

Trivia! Ignoring the fact that Ø is not a Cyrillic letter, the title is pronounced "dooh-yar", and that mess at the end would be "gneh yoyd". Aren't letters fun? :D

kits demanded Derpy/Dorpi makeouts, so I obliged. "Identical cousins" is a reference to the Patty Duke Show, which even I'm too young to remember. I couldn't fathom subjecting anyone else to this, so I had no help editing, and thus will give no thanks for said help! >:B That'll learn ya.