Unusable Story Husk

by Yip

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Adventure
Length: 3290

Unusable Story Husk

Unusable Story Husk

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-23 00:20:01 UTC

Prologue

Past the uncharted seas and lands far beyond the imagination of most sentient beings, a land of multicoloured equines lived in a proper, supposedly civilized land, appropriately named Equestria. Their knowledge of the things around them, and even in their own land, is a limited resource that very few—if any at all—understand.

It’s interesting to note that the distribution of collections containing paper, named “books” to the residents inhabiting the land, made most of them believe that they had gained true knowledge and furthered their intelligence, even though the books themselves were not sentient and could therefore teach nothing to the readers. This phenomenon is quite prevalent throughout the land, and is commonly referred to as “learning”.

This land had an inherent problem because of this misconception: most of them figured they were geniuses, all of them thought they were as educated as could be, even though all they had done was read some stacks of paper bound neatly between two covers.

This is not a problem many realized was running rampant; the authors themselves write what they feel is right and proper, the board of approvers stamp a seal of authenticity knowing they’ll make a profit and the readers see the seal and don’t think twice before accepting it as truth.

But there have been many, including the author of the Equine Principle, that have tried time and again to remedy this by going out and experiencing what the world of Equestria has to offer. This solution would’ve broken new ground; the novels and studies would be gathered from real-life experiences. “Learning” wouldn’t have been something simply handed down through forced hands.

There’s another problem that lies therein, and it is this: “true” learning does not turn a profit.

And thus, the experiences are documented but never told. The ones making the experience grow old and wise, and the general public continues to read what was approved by the publishing houses. As the saying commonly goes, knowledge is power, and those that traffic knowledge own the most. By that logic, the publishing houses are the most powerful things in the universe.

This is not a tale of these failures, nor is it a tale of the most powerful beings in the universe.

It is, however, a story about one who wishes to challenge the power held by the houses.

It is also a tale of a book, one titled “The Sparkle Tome”—not your everyday book, mind you, never published by the great houses that lie all over Equestria. In fact, it was never published intentionally by anyone at all.

Nevertheless, it is a wholly remarkable and successful book.

In fact, the groundbreaking and accurate information it held made it the most remarkable collection of paper to ever come from an equine’s mind. It contains more relevant and useful information than the Encyclopedia Equestria. It is far less pedestrian than Life Amongst Equines. It even has an eye-catching cover, unlike the standard “professional” visuals of the standard prints.

Not only that, but the book distinguishes itself in two very important ways: the first, it is completely free; and the second, it tells you how to properly defend yourself against a raging minotaur as shown in the final few chapters of the text.

But the story does not begin with The Sparkle Tome—in fact, it didn’t even exist at the time. It does begin, however, with the book’s author realizing how stupid the entire novelist industry was.

It also begins with a library.

The Sparkle Tome

A treehouse that was somehow seen as a perfect spot for a library rested in the center of Ponyville. It was the largest structure in town, although to most, its size just made it seem like a decorative fixture to enhance the quality of life. The idea of a library inside perplexed many of its visitors, although the resident owner perhaps prefers this over believing no one went inside at all. In fact, if there was no door or showy flowers outside, the general assumption would spell out “fixture” a mile away.

Twilight Sparkle and her young dragon, a curious creature that seemed to be unable to grow as a normal dragon would, were the residents of the library. Twilight was quite keen on the many works of writing that were held on the bookcase shelves, although she hadn't tried attempting to make some herself. Her understanding of the writing business was advanced enough that she knew getting published and approved herself would prove difficult, but it wasn't enough to know that it was impossible and a waste of her time.

'Spike,' Twilight said, 'have you read this book before?'

Spike, who was too busy trying to perch a precariously placed book back on its shelf, was just barely in reach of his goal when his balance fell and several books followed suit. Soon enough, a pile of books was on the floor around him, comically enough leaving the original book standing neatly on its own on the now empty shelf.

Twilight's repressed laughter wasn't a welcome sight for Spike, who had already been blushing strongly enough for his own liking.

'N-No, I haven't read the book,' Spike said, flustered. 'What's it about? Now that I think about it, I never even asked what it was called—'

'It's called the Encyclopedia Equestria. Not a very imaginative title if you ask me, but the content seems pretty neat.' Twilight pulled out a rather large tome from beside her and placed it on the ground in front of Spike. Right off the bat, Spike's stuck-out tongue showed his distaste for the dull cover, bearing only a single letter "E" engraved onto the center. 'Yeah, it seems pretty boring. I just wanted you to see a little of it in case you were interested. The information here is quite valuable!'

The Encyclopedia Equestria is a book not unlike a scientific report for many things in Equestria. On first glance, the concept would seem revolutionary, as there are no others of its kind on the market. However, it is incredibly pricey, doesn't look at all appealing to a single being on the face of the earth and, in some scenarios, will literally leave you dead in the water. The problem is that the info it gives, although detailed with flowery numbers such as height, weight and the optimal chance to cook it (if applicable, sometimes even when not applicable), is absolutely and completely certain to be incredibly pointless, that is to say "certain to cause misleading information, injury or death" will be the consequence. It is one of the many things approved by the board of approvers to sell empty words for money, as is believed by some of the pessimistic onlookers (who, ironically, have bookshelves full of text from the same publishers).

The Encyclopedia Equestria has an entry on Ponyville, which Twilight proceeded to flip to once Spike had begun watching. A normal user of the encyclopedia will want to know what Ponyville is like, how to tell if it's the right town that they went to or where to find the nearest drinking tavern, none of which are shown in the extravagant detail of the entry.

Entry - Ponyville, Equestria

Population - Approx. 50

Notable Residents - None Known

Status - Founding

Another key failure of the encyclopedia, which boggled Twilight's mind since she knew, despite her humility, that she would be included in the "notable residents" section, was that it was very outdated. The status and population were also completely out of date, as the public tended to relearn information from old versions of the book that's given to them under a new revision number. This is known amongst few as a "violent disregard for Equestria's need for innovation", and is more commonly referred to as "incredibly stupid".

'Well, that wasn't what I was looking for!' Twilight said, taking a closer look at the entry.

'What's the matter, Twi? Is there a typo?' Spike joked. The concept of a typo was not so much a joke as he had thought, though, as there were in fact sixty-seven of them in the first section alone.

'This book is so behind our time! There's no way we've got to keep it the way it is! Spike, take a note for...' Twilight's eyes searched the inside cover for a publisher, '"Adams Publications". Alright, are you ready?'

'Ready!' Spike said, brandishing a piece of paper in one claw and a purple quill in the other that, coincidentally, was a quill from the last surviving member of the Scriptor Avis, now extinct after the extensive quill extractions they endured.

Fifteen minutes later, what was to be the first entry in The Sparkle Tome was written and prepared for sendoff to Adams Publications via traditional mail delivery, much to Twilight’s annoyance. She secretly wished, for a brief moment, that Spike was replaced with a mystical machine that could send letters instantly anywhere in Equestria, but the existence of said machine would, interestingly enough, have prevented the creation of The Sparkle Tome.

The entry they wrote, which was only on paper and not in a book at that point since the book didn't actually exist yet, said this of Ponyville:

Ponyville’s flair for visitors is commonly as a place of rest for travellers going to or from Canterlot. The purpose of why it was first created is unknown; it has no military strength nor does it provide a strong economic standpoint for Equestria.

A commonly visited site is Sweet Apple Acres, producing a strong enough cider during cider season that several tankards were snuck into the Equestrian Drinkers Competition, knocking out the fiercest competitor where he was able to stomach over ten normally brewed mugs.

Of course, the entry began as Twilight’s explanation of the entire town with all detail included as a believer in pointless knowledge would normally do. However, Spike’s constant observations and edits (along with a little prodding by Twilight) gave the text a more straightforward and practical use, as his mind was less complicated and gave him a closer point of view to the average citizen. That is not to say complicated minds are more intelligent, it's actually quite the contrary; the less complex ones learn the essentials well while the elaborate ones filled the space in their minds with pointless data that would ultimately lead to nothing. Adams Publications are, quite possibly, the most popular example of the latter.

The first entry in the book would be later be known as a feat of innovation and would be praised as one of the greatest beginnings to a book that was ever written, mostly because it gave them straight-up information that they actually wanted to read and not use as lavatory management tools. The revolutionary part of The Sparkle Tome is that not a single piece of info in the Encyclopedia Equestria had more use than inside a washroom.

‘Hey, Spike,’ the unicorn began, ‘did you keep a copy of the note we sent? I think I’d like to keep it so I can tell everypony what Ponyville should be known as.’

Spike’s uneasy eyes flickered, trying to prevent eye contact. ‘Um... I don’t think I did.’

‘Spike!’

‘Hey, I had no idea you'd want it! I’ll just write another one while we wait...'

Impatience filled Twilight's mind as Spike's claw wrote furiously on a new sheet of parchment. Without anything to do, her mind instinctively began reciting information she knew about and information she didn’t, and her hooves were back to flipping the encyclopedia once more. Although the entry on Ponyville was weaker than she had hoped, she figured another look at other stuff would be better.

How fortunate she did.

As the minutes passed, which quickly turned to hours by the look of the setting sun, the hopeful grin on Twilight’s face edged downwards more and more with each page turn. Finally, when she couldn’t take the lack of knowledge scattered throughout the book, including such things as Trees: A green-leafed thing, she cried out in astonishment and disgust.

‘What is this? I can’t believe the entire book is this bad—they don’t even know that trees can be more colours than green!’

‘Twilight, it’s not a big deal. Just don’t read it, then you can forget all about it.’ Spike tried—albeit in vain—to pull off a comforting smile. ‘Come on, I’m sure that there aren’t a whole lot of ponies who read the information in that book.’

‘Spike, it’s one of the best-selling books out there. It’s supposedly revolutionary—although that doesn’t mean it’s useful.’ Twilight looked out to the setting sun, prompting a yawn to bellow out of her mouth. ‘Ah, we’ll get our response tomorrow, I’m sure. Then we can send some more letters and maybe improve that awful encyclopedia.’

‘Yay. More writing.’ Spike clutched his right claw.

He would be writing a lot more than two pages in the coming weeks.

~|S|~

The following morning consisted of monotonous idle conversation and a boring breakfast scene without any relevance to the rest of the day. Suffice to say, nothing especially noteworthy happened until the local mailpony, with a grey coat and two crossed eyes that made you wonder if she could navigate out her front door, came knocking.

Well, unless one considers Spike finding an ant in his cereal exciting. If so, there was excitement in spades.

‘Spike, the mail is here!’ Twilight exclaimed, ending the monotonous scene of lunch that had nearly begun. ‘Unless the mailpony is coming to visit, but I don’t think she’d be off work on a Tuesday.’

Inexplicably, the door was already open. Derpy Hooves, hovering right in front of Twilight, giggled.

‘No siree, Miss Sparkle. I’ve just got a letter from... ah—’ It was a wonder she could read at all. ‘—Adams Publications. Are you writing a book, Miss Sparkle?’

‘No, Derpy. Isn’t it illegal to read other ponies’ mail?’

‘I’m just looking at the cover, sorry... I’ll leave the mail at your door and leave.’ The mailpony slumped—a short conversation was all she was looking for after a particularly long shift that had started from dawn. Interestingly enough, she would eventually become a part of The Sparkle Tome’s history, although at that present moment, she went on her way to deliver the remainder of the mail. Spike looked out the door as she departed, and her shoulders slumped further down as she flew.

‘She seemed a little sad, Twilight,’ Spike commented. ‘You don’t have anything to do today, maybe you could’ve invited her in!’

‘Yeah, maybe I was a little curtly. But it is against the rules to read others’ mail, and we can’t be condoning anyone breaking the law.’ Twilight opened the door and stared at the plain envelope wrapped in a neat red ribbon, quickly enveloping it with a raspberry glow from her horn. ‘Alright, let’s get this inside and open it!’

Spike acknowledged the request and carried it in in, hoping to Celestia that it was a refusal so he wouldn’t need to write for it anymore. He quickly undid the ribbon, unravelling the parchment to its full length.

‘Hold on, Twi. Just getting to the start...’

Spike read the text aloud:

Dear Ms. Sparkle,

We here at Adams Publications are glad to hear of your inquiry into addingconcerns regarding our book, Encyclopedia Equestria. We will take it into deep consideration and we hope that you will continue to enjoy our products to the utmost as we intended. We hope that your problemwith it is soon resolved!

Sincerely,

Adams Publications

Canterlot, Equestria

‘...and that’s it.’ Spike turned his back to Twilight briefly and pumped his fist, pleased with the response and thanking Celestia for saving his claw.

Spike was wholly unaware of the letter’s nature, which was essentially an utter lie. The very same structure for the letter had already been sent thousands of times to other ponies around Equestria, with several previously blank spaces being filled in by a pony at Adams Publications who, frankly, hated his job. He secretly wished that somepony would create an encyclopedia that would actually work worth a damn, but for now, his purpose was merely to spark the one who would make it unknowingly by sending the letter.

This stallion, who was named Hindsight and lived without family or many friends, was going to play a major role in The Sparkle Tome's life. If ponies knew what he was going to help make happen, he'd have a lot more friendship going on.

But that is not for now. Not for quite some time.

'Spike, can I see that for myself? Something sounds funny about it.'

Twilight, with the useful knowledge and common sense shedid have, could sense something peculiar about the letter.

‘Sure,’ Spike replied, holding out the letter to the unicorn. She quickly proceeded to scan the text herself, taking great care to analyze anything out of the ordinary.

‘Dear Twilight... regarding... utmost...! Spike, this is a stock letter with a few words written on!’

‘Huh? I don’t know what you—’

‘They don’t really care about what I had to say! They just sent me the regular reply that’s been changed a little to make it seem unique! A bunch of these words are different from the others, so those must be the changes!’ Twilight sighed. ‘Well, I guess this encyclopedia will remain an outdated and useless book... pity that it’s the only one like it out there.’

The next five words that were said, which would eventually change Equestria forever only because it was the first time someone made that much of a rational statement, came out of Spike’s mouth and resulted in a figurative bright light bulb to hover above Twilight’s head.

‘Why not write one yourself?’

Ideas flared through Twilight’s mind at her friend’s words, and without a moment to lose or a word to spend, she was scrambling through a chest from her study. A few moments and a few puzzled glances from Spike later, a stack of paper was put neatly inside a satchel hung over Twilight's neck. One of the pieces was sent over to Spike along with the extinct bird’s quill.

Uh oh, Spike thought as the consequence of his actions became clear. Well, that wasn’t a smart move.

‘Spike, get the second copy of the Ponyville note.’

‘What?’

‘We’re going to make The Sparkle Tome.’

‘Again, I say; what?’

A few more back-and-forth comments and Spike had reluctantly handed over the Ponyville entry, which was promptly placed at the bottom of the paper pile to be used in the future edition of The Sparkle Tome.

‘So... what now, Twilight?’

‘Like I said, we’re going to make The Sparkle Tome. But we should talk to my friends about it, first.’

'Don't you think they'll want to come? They do like to stick with you through a lot.'

'We won't be leaving for extremely long periods of time, just enough to records some notes on various things. They'll understand!'

The two future authors left the library in a hurry to find their friends, bringing only the satchel, the paper and several variants of plant life for food. The Sparkle Tome has an entry on Equestrian food:

Equestrian food is, as a whole, natural and not unique in the slightest. All you have to do is look outside and you will see most of what you’d find on a local restaurant’s meal—they just add fancy names to them because overcomplication gives something more value. See the entry for “Equestrian Business” for more details on how this works.

Some example include grass, dandelions, different strands of grass and dandelions, dandelions cooked with grass in a stew, and once in a blue moon, daisies and other miscellaneous are added to the mix.