Twilight Sparkle was in a jam, And not the kind she normally found herself in. After a certain number one assistant of her's lost a very valuable book Twilight must find a way to buy a new copy of it. The book was worth a small fortune and it's owner would return soon. That was when she heard the community center was in need of a amatuer therapist which would pay handsomely as well. Twilight had studied countless books on the subject and since no pony else was willing to take the job she signed up. There was however one important thing she forgot to check in the fine print though.
"Humans!?" Twilight yelled when she saw the group she had been assigned to.
"What's the problem?" The director asked.
"W-why am I doing a therapy session for humans!?" Twilight asked.
"Well one you signed up for it and two they paid for it." The director answered.
"Now then please head to your assigned room they are waiting for you."
Twilight didn't know about this she didn't like where it was going already but she had signed the contract already and it was only for the day which had her rather puzzled now that she thought about it. She found her assigned room and looked inside. There were 4 humans in there. One was a very old man in what appeared to be some sort of army uniform grumbling to himself as he smoked. Another dressed like a biker sat with a scowl on his face not to pleased to be present. The third seemed normal enough a girl about 19 or so with a red jacket though she looked nervous. And the last was... Twilight wasn't sure what he was. He was an african american according to the sheet but why was he in a straight jacket? Taking a big gulp the little lavender pony opened the door.
"Hello everypony er I mean everyone." Twilight said with a confident smile.
Only the girl looked at her and gave a nervous wave.
"I hate horses." Grumbled the biker.
Twilight flinched but moved into the room shutting the door behind her and sat at the desk at the other side of the room.
"Now then my name is Twilight Sparkle I will be your therapist for today." Twilight said magically placing her hair into a bun and putting on a pair of prop glasses.
She was told she needed to do so in order to do this properly for some reason.
"Okay then lets see here. Umm... Francis why don't you go first?" Twilight asked after finding the biker's name on the sheet.
"Hmph my name is Francis and I hate therapy." He responded folding his arms again.
"I see... Um Zoey is it? Why are you here?" Twilight asked next.
"Hello everyone my name is Zoey and I'm here-" Zoey began.
"Because you startled the damn witch again! That's why we're all here!" The old war vet yapped.
"Now now don't speak out of turn uh... bill." Twilight said.
"Bah it's all her fault every bloody time! If it's not one thing it's another with this girl!" He shouted.
"Pills here!" The IT yelled and laughed frantically making Twilight jump a bit and dropping her papers which she tried to clean up.
"Shut up Louis there are no damn pills here!" Frances said.
"What the hell is wrong with you? Of course there are pills here they are everywhere..." Louis grinned his eyes rolling back in his head as Bill slapped his forehead.
"Oy." The old man sighed.
"Okay okay I got my papers why don't you tell us why you are here Louis?" Twilight asked.
"Oh that's perfectly simple doctor. I am here because there are no damn pills here!" Louis started off calmly and descended back into another fitful chant of pills here again.
Twilight rubbed her head and took a deep breath. It was clear why the last therapist had quit now she hadn't been here more than 5 minutes and she could fill her sanity starting to slip already. But she had a job to do and a book to pay for.
"I see and finally Bill you are here because..." She started and flipped through the notes puzzled.
"Because your a crotchety old man?" Twilight spoke and Bill gasped in horror.
"You... god damn it I told you I didn't have that problem anymore!" He accused the others.
"Bill, Bill calm down man you're safe here." Francis said soothingly.
"We're worried about you Bill." Zoey joined in as Bill backed up closer to his corner.
"No no damn it you can't be doing this! Not here!" He said raising from his chair and so did Francis and Zoey.
"Easy Bill no one is going to hurt you." Francis said moving toward him.
"No!" Bill yelled and made for the door but Francis grabbed him and Zoey did to.
"Bill don't fight it this is for your own good!" Zoey pleaded.
"Damn it I'm not a crotchety old man I'm not!" Bill said trying to break free.
"This is an intervention Bill you can't keep going on as you are it's not good for you man." Francis said hugging him as Bill stopped struggling and began to sob.
"I'm not old I tell ya I'm just onry from lack of sleep that's all. I don't yell at kids for walking on my lawn. I don't buy a piece of fruit and return 20 minutes later to complain about it I don't I tell ya I'm not like that anymore I got better!" He weeped.
"It's okay Bill you're an old man but you don't have to be a crotchety old man we can help you just let us." Zoey soothed rubbing his face.
The old man hugged Zoey sobbing as Francis patted him on the back Twilight having no clue what just happened let the papers in her hooves slip out once again as she stared at them in disbelief.
"What the..." Was all she could say.
"Oh it's very simple." Louis said and Twilight looked at him still in shock.
"Bill was the one that kept us all together through our adventure and it was his sacrifice that let the 3 of us escape. Which now that I think about it wasn't really necessary as he just respawned a bit later anyway on the next map.
"R-respawned?" Twilight asked.
"Oh yes indeed once we began a new campaign he was right back with us." Louis smiled.
"I see." The pony said.
Campaign, maps... what on earth was he talking about?
"Oh no Louis!" Zoey said moving over to him and reaching into his straight jacket pulling out a half crushed can of pills.
"I thought I got rid of your stash you know you have to get off of these!"
"Ah Zoey give those back I need the pills! Grabbing pills, pills here!" Louis said then started to tangent as Zoey sighs and pops one his mouth and he calms down a bit.
"Hmph we're not done yet I take it. I hate long meetings." Francis complained and sat back down as did Bill who wiped the last tear from his eye and light a fresh cigarette.
"Okay... um why don't we move on to Louis next." Twilight suggested.
"Alright then. My name is Louis and I don't have a problem now give me back my pills woman!" Louis said and slammed into Zoey knocking the pills into the air and catching them with his mouth.
"Ah Louis!" Zoey said stumbling back then grabbed the bottle and tried to take it from him.
Twilight interjected by taking the bottle and putting it on her desk then using her magic to hold Louis at bay.
"Okay clearly these are to much of a distraction." She said and opened the door and tossed the pills outside.
"Pills!" Louis said breaking free and leaped through the door before she could close it and Twilight saw a blue aura outline of Louis as he ate the scattered pills on the ground.
"What in equestria is going on here!?" She screamed.
Suddenly all the noises in the room stopped as they heard a loud howling noise.
"Boomer." Bill said and pulled out a shotgun the other two drew guns as well and Louis kicked the door open then shut it behind him as Zoey took his straight jacket off and he pulled out a revolver.
Twilight shivered as another howl was heard and the next thing she knew she was picked up by Zoey as they flipped the desk over to use as a makeshift barricade. All 4 humans and one scared pony looked over the desk as they heard the heavy thud of footsteps outside the room. A grotesque creature with an over inflated body and bizarre growths on it's face and neck breathed noisily as it stood outside the room before slamming on the door and knocking it off the hinges. The humans cocked their guns ready to fine. The beast reached to the side of it and pulled what appeared to be a human girl with long claws in front of it and pushed her into the room. The girl looked back at the beast and nodded and it lumbered away after picking the door up and putting it back in place though it leaned strangly. The girl waved at them with a nervous look on it's face and Zoey just sighed and tapped her head with her gun.
"Damn it she found me." Was all the collage girl could say.
"W-who is she?" Twilight asked still trembling.
"The witch." Bill sighed and lowered his gun as the did Louis and Francis.
The witch? Twilight remembered reading about that in her notes somewhere.
"Well what is she doing here?" Twilight asked.
"She's why I'm here." Zoey admitted and before any of them could react the Witch leaped over the barricade and hugged Zoey.
"I'm the one that startled her after all."
Twilight watched as the Witch's claws cut into the wooden wall behind her like it was made of butter and scrambled away from her hiding behind Francis.
"And the other thing?" Twilight asked trying to keep from panicking.
"Boomer her older brother nice kid when he's not trying to douse you with acidic vomit or blowing up on ya." Louis said popping another pill.
Feeling her eye start to twitch a little she didn't even notice as Francis scooped her up and carried her into an empty room nearby with another desk that he sat her at and adjusted her glasses.
"There we go." he said then his normal scowl returned.
"I hate glasses." He said and sat down as well.
After a few minutes Twilight's brain restarted and she coughed softly. Remind herself why she was doing this (and wondering if it was even worth the trouble anymore.) She asked Louis to resume on his pill addiction.
"Well... I guess the trouble started in the apartments. While the others were clearing out the hordes I stayed behind to gather up anything that might be useful. Lots of folks turning leave good stuff lying around after all. Anyway while I'm gathering up ammo I found a can of healing pills. I had been clawed by an infected so I figured I'll take a few to help dull the pain. But to my amazement they not only dulled the pain they got rid of it completely! I was fascinated and I put the rest of them away. As our trek continued I found more and more cans of pills and shared them with everyone. Later on we found better healing supplies medkits and things like that. But while they healed me better they didn't give me that... satisfaction that the pills did so I found myself using only the pills after a while. Of course they don't heal that well over all but the sensation of feeling instantly better with a just a tiny pill it was amazing! There was times... that I would let an infected or even a smoker hurt me just so I could use the pills again they don't work at full health after all. And then... there was the tank incident." Louis sighed.
"Tell me about the Tank." Twilight asked starting to feel confident that things were turning around for the better.
"The Tank, it took us 3 attempts and 4 of our best medkits to survive that battle. I was almost wiped out at this point and Bill gave me a large medkit to patch myself up. But before I began I noticed... a jar of pills nearby. I figured what was the harm I'd use those to dull the pain enough to focus better. Only the pills were a trap they were a glitch and touching them made the Tank instantly respawn! We were wiped out and had to do the level over again. No one was happy with me after that. I swore to lay off the pills but every time I found some..." Louis trailed off rubbing his arm.
"He was addicted by this point and no sign of recovery. After a while we didn't even bother looking for pills anymore we knew Louis had them already." Bill said taking a long drag on his smoke.
"It was okay for awhile but then one time he startled the witch grabbing some." Zoey said and flitched as the witch dragged her claws along her back cutting up her jacket.
"Hmm Louis what do you think is the underlying cause for this addiction are you trying to quit something else? Usually when you try to quit one thing you usually pick up another habit in the mean time." Twilight said.
"Hmph I know the reason but I'm not allowed to say what it is in polite company. I hate polite company." Francis said.
"You won't dare call me that here grease stain!" Louis yelled.
"Well maybe I will what are you going to do about!" Francis argued back.
"We are here to heal just go ahead and say it." Twilight said with no idea the can of worms she was about to unleash.
"Alright I'll say it then I'll say exactly what it is and why he is what he is! It's because he's a damn office monkey that's why!" Francis yelled pointing at Louis and the rest in the room but Twilight gasped.
"Oh no." Twilight thought as she felt control fleeing the room once again.
"Office Monkey!? How dare you!" Louis said as the witch covered her mouth in shock.
"Yeah that's right I said it you're an office monkey you sit at a desk all day scratching your butt and downing enough coffee to satisfy 30 people! I bet you don't even sleep!" Francis accused.
"I sleep when I got the time I'm just busy that's all." Louis said going to pop another pill but found the bottle empty and he gasped.
"Hah you're out what are you going to do to now? You need your precious pills to even think straight for more than 10 seconds!"
I can last more than 10 pills, I mean seconds!" Louis said starting to sweat a bit.
"Alright Francis that's enough. Here kid this is what you really need." Bill said giving Louis a cup of coffee.
"Ah hello there beautiful daddy missed you." he said and drank it down the sweating stopped and he sat back down.
"Yeah it's clear now you do need caffeine we need to work on that later." Bill said with a smile.
He looked at Twilight and realizing control had peeped it's head in to see if it was okay she turned to Francis next.
"Francis according to your notes you hate everything and think you're invincible?" twilight asked then sat back to watch things unfold she had quickly learned they don't need a therapist more of a... referee.
"Of course I am, least amount of deaths and most kills how could I not?" he boosted.
"Hogwash you die more often then Zoey does." Bill said.
"I don't die that much..." Zoey whined.
"I'm invincible! I don't fear death sides those aren't real deaths I always get a second wind." Francis states.
"Yeah that one of us gives you." Louis said.
"Still invincible." Francis said adamantly.
"Okay clearly there is a reason you think you are unstoppable, why is that?" Twilight asked.
"Hmph I hate explaining." He said.
"There! That is why!" Twilight exclaimed.
"Wha?" Francis answered.
"You hate everything! If we can find the reason why we can figure out this god complex of yours!" She said.
In true honesty Twilight didn't have a clue but that felt like a correct response, and at this point she wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible.
"Hmm... well there must be a reason I hate everything. Gah I hate thinking." he said scowling once more and folding his arm.
"You hate to think boy." Bill said simply.
"I do?"
"Of course why else would you go to such a simple solution every time."
"But... if I hate thinking then why do I hate thinking?"
"Because you're you! You hate to think so you always find the easiest solution which is to hate anything going on!" Louis said.
"Of course it's so clear now!" Francis exclaimed pointing his finger to the sky.
"No it doesn't! It doesn't explain anything!" Twilight's mind screamed but she kept a smile on her face even though her eye twitched a bit.
"Ah my mind it feels so much better now I still hate everything but now I know why I'm invincible! It's because I'm Francis and I'm me!" Francis laughed.
"Okay last order of business. You and you." Bill said pointing at the witch then Zoey.
"Fine lets get it over with." Zoey sighed.
"Uh... this says you startled the witch. What does that mean exactly again?" Twilight asked nervously.
"Well startling the witch is a term we used when we alert her to our presence. When she hears us she rushes then attacks whoever it was that bothered her until they are dead or we knock her off. Over the last few campaigns I've has had a problem with it more than the others." Zoey admitted.
"How so?" Twilight asked.
"Well the first time was an accident. I had forgotten how dangerous she was and shot at her she didn't like it very much and clawed me to death." Zoey said.
"The next time she kicked a can as we were sneaking past her." Bill said next.
"And the time after that she stepped on a loose floorboard man I hate those things." Louis complained.
"Then there was the coat rack incident..." Francis said looking at her.
"And the last time she literally bumped into her." Bill growled.
"Hey I found a working pair of headphones and I was used them okay!" Zoey countered pointing at Bill.
"This says the witch makes a wailing noise like sobbing when she's alone." Twilight said reading the last of the notes.
"Yeah that's why the last time she tripped over her but at this point the witch was so used to being startled by Zoey that she's gotten a crush on her and that's why she's here. Her brother dropped her off to get some peace from her constant moans of longing for Zoey." Bill said.
"So that's the damage doc what do we do now?" Zoey asked.
"Do now?" Twilight said her eyes widening in horror.
She had no clue what to do next she had no clue at all! None of this made any sense at all these people were crazy! Luckily for her Twilight didn't have to answer as a bell went off nearby.
"Hey therapy is over lets get something to eat!" Louis said.
"Woot come on Zoey!" The witch said dragging her away.
"She can talk?" Twilight breathed in shock.
"Of course she can talk she's off the clock." Bill said and pulled a mask off he was a young man with luscious black hair.
"Ah much better come on handsome lets get something to eat." Francis said also removing a mask he was a russian blonde girl and Louis took her arm.
"Ah yeah baby you know what I like." He said kissing her and they all left.
A bit later the director came by with a book.
"Ah there you are Twilight I got good news. I found your book apparently Spike mailed it here by mistake so I don't need to pay you now have a good day." He said and left the book on the desk.
Twilight ever vigilant in her tasks wrote her final report with a shaking horn.
Louis, requires decaf for life!
Zoey, hopeless no cure for clumsiness or female attraction.
Francis, hopeless he's lost in himself and no one can get him out!
Bill, seems to be recovering but is prone to a relapse.
Witch, Masochist?
With that completed Twilight folded her report into a hat placed it on her head saluted to the open door and teleported home along with her book. The lesson zero event was created to cover up her temporary lapse into la la land in the official record books.
Author's Note
This was a challenge given to me by a friend at work. He asked me to write about a game I've never played before and I had a lot of fun trying my luck at this after watching countless you tube videos for inspiration though Twilight had minimal influence on the story he said to give it a go and to try a twilight therapist series later on. I think this is more then enough really so I hope you enjoyed it. I apologize for any spelling errors I will correct the rest of them in the morning I ran of of time tonight.
