Did you know that being encased in stone is not in the least bit comfortable? I do.
More than one thousand years of being effectively covered in cement will give you that perspective. Especially when those one thousand years was imposed upon you for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Seriously. I popped into existence next to this ugly statue that I recognized in passing and everyone flew into a panic. Here, let me show you.
I fidgeted with the hat over my head. It was massive, almost as large as my chest, and covered the top half of my face, so that I couldn’t see where I was going. It didn’t help that the fox ears and stuffed animal pinned to it made the thing unwieldy and heavy.
At least the clothes were nice and light. It was sweltering, and one of the few reasons beyond immersion for keeping the hat on was the obscene amount of shade that it provided.
If you hadn’t guessed already, which is likely considering who I decided to dress up as, I was Dust, the titular character from one of my favourite games: Dust: An Elysian Tail. The only discrepancy in my costume was the plastic sword that had a passing resemblance to the blade of Ahrah if you squinted at it from far away while I was hiding in the dark.
I had been walking through Comic Con, noting what costumes I could recognize from the waist down, while following my friends, who had thought it a good idea to drag me away from home for this. I saw people dressed as various characters from the Bioshock franchise, a few knights and ponies. Gods, there were so many fucking pony cosplayers.
Don’t get me wrong, bronies aren’t a bad bunch, and the show is pretty okay, but some of them take their pony worship a bit too seriously.
Ah, one more thing, before this next part confuses you. I was very lonely as a child, with a very active imagination. Thus it was no surprise when I created my own imaginary friends: Ashley and Niquolais. The surprising part came when I befriended some real people, but the imaginary ones stuck around. Since they weren’t needed to fill the void of friendship, they relegated themselves to the role of the conscience.
I call them my shoulder demons.
Anyway, I was walking along, staring at the asses of my friends (some of which were quite nice) when Ashley and Niquolais spoke up.
Hey, I hear a metalworker. Ashley spoke up. Sure enough, I tilted my hat and saw a stall full of weapons and armour of all kinds. There were also gadgets, apparently, if the guy trying on the arm mounted spray cannon thing was any evidence.
Maybe we can find an actual sword to use. Ashley suggested. Instead of this plastic thing.
Yeah, but it’ll probably cost a bit. Niquolais butted in.
We can handle living on hotel rations for a while. I thought. I knew better than to try and talk to them out loud by now.
I told my friends my destination, and they agreed to wait for me as I browsed for an actual Blade of Ahrah. The man with the arm device must have been satisfied with his purchase, because I heard him turn it on and walk away, probably to spray some water or paint at someone.
“Looking for Ahrah?” I heard the stall keeper ask.
“Yep. How’d you guess?”
“There’s always at least one Dust wandering around with some cheap replacement. Always find it profitable to keep a few on hand. And hell, since they’re so close to looking like keyblades, Ventus and Terra cosplayers generally find them good enough to use.”
“Cool. I’m guessing you’ve got one for sale, then?”
“Ayep. Normally I’d let one go for about five hundred dollars, but you’re one of the first Dusts I’ve seen that didn’t cut eye holes in their hat, so I’ll let it go for four hundred.”
...Wow, I didn’t even think of that. I thought.
Well, there goes the food money. Niquolais grumbled.
“Deal.”
I quickly paid for the blade and tossed my useless plastic sword at some poor schmuck walking around in cardboard armour with a stick. The thing was five dollars and over ten years old, anyway.
Niquolais sighed. We could have sold that.
Ashley chuckled. Yeah, for five bucks. Oh hey, watch for feet.
I was walking back to my group when a kerfuffle broke out nearby. Some brony was having a fit over there being more sun gods than just the one horse princess. He actually tried stealing a sun staff thing from the guy who’d bought it. When the owner, some sun knight, ripped the staff away from the manic zealot, he accidentally bopped my Fidget doll with it, but I don't think he noticed.
I didn’t mind, it was an accident. What I did mind was that the doll got dislodged, fell, and tripped me up. The hat got into my eyes, so I couldn’t see the ground, but when I landed, there was a conspicuous lack of concrete and shoes.
There was, in fact, a whole lot of grass.
“Ow… What was that?” I heard Ashley moan. Something was off however. I realized that her voice was emanating from somewhere near my feet, rather than from inside my mind.
I looked down to see my Fidget plushy sitting and rubbing its head. Her head. Whatever.
“...Ashley?”
“Hm? Wha-ha-ha-huh? Rich?" My name's Richard, by the way. Don't think I introduced myself.
Anyway, Ashley looked at me, then down at herself. She brushed her chest pomf of fur, screamed and darted into the air, her wings buzzing like a hummingbird’s.
I tried to keep her away from my head by waving my hand at her, when I noticed that my hand only had three fingers. And was furry.
I crossed my eyes and saw a snout.
I looked down and saw a tail.
I looked to the side as something started to glow.
“Ugh… Ashley can you be quiet? We have a headache.” The Blade of Ahrah’s glow was pulsing in time to a voice that sounded suspiciously like Niquolais.
“No we don’t. We’re not a we anymore.” I murmured.
“What are you talking about? I can feel- Oh. I can feel. That’s… different.”
I rubbed my face with my hands. ...Paws. Whatever. “You’re taking this awfully easily.”
“Well… There’s not much I can do by panicking. I can see that you’re Dust, and Ashley’s Fidget, so that means that I must be Ahrah.”
“Looks like it.”
“Meh. Not that much different that being in your head.”
I shrugged and grasped Niquolais’s handle. I had expected some rush of memories or instructions or something, but nothing happened.
“Shit, guess I have to actually learn how to use you.”
Niquolais sighed. “I am going to get so scuffed before we get anywhere useful.”
“WHY ARE YOU GUYS SO CALM ABOUT THIS?!” Ashley yelled, hovering in front of my face. It was then that I noticed that all of my clothes had been replaced by a fine silk substance instead of polyester, and my had had become a non-cardboard hat.
I then realized why Dust could move with his big ass hat in the way. The actual material was some form of wire mesh stuff that screen doors are made of. I could see through it, though everything was dark and blurred.
“Because there’s nothing we can do about it.” I shrugged.
Ashley fell onto my hat and started sobbing. “The one time we get out of the house! And we end up lost and weird and separated!”
“Ah, cheer up. At least we’re still tog-”
I was interrupted at that point by something screaming. I turned to look and received a face full of rainbow.
I stopped being able to move.
When the rainbow cleared, I could see two ponies staring at me. Those two ponies happened to be Celestia and Luna.
For the gods' sake, we ended up in Equestria. Niquolais groused. At least I could still hear him.
Could be worse. I thought back.
“Sister, this troubles us.” Celestia said, walking towards me.
“And us as well. It is no coincidence that this creature appears at the very spot Discord was sealed exactly one year after his defeat.” Luna revealed very helpfully.
Wait, what? Ashley asked.
“Verily. We think it best to keep him sealed.” Celestia turned back to Luna.
Wait, WHAT?! I roared inside my mind.
“Aye. It is best not to take chances in such trying times. We're still cleaning up the chocolate lakes.”
"Perhaps when we have finished cleaning up after Discord, we will search his mind for answers."
Could be worse, huh? Niquolais sighed. No crime, no trial, not even a chat.
I was seething with indignant rage. When I get out of here… Ooh, I’m going to slap their shit around so hard…
And thus we stewed for over a thousand years, coming to terms with our new identities. We felt it best to embrace them and keep our true selves hidden from the ponies when we got out. We had hoped that Discord’s release, a thousand years later, would let us escape, but we had no such luck. His reformation, however…
And in case you were wondering, they forgot to probe my mind.
“Stupid Celestia and her stupid rules. One good deed a day. Pah.” Discord rumbled, stalking the statuary garden. He paused mid stride and turned to us. “Well well well. What do we have here? You’re not from around these parts.”
Discord slithered around my stony form and took a deep whiff. “Mm, no, not from around here at all. And given the same treatment I was? Tsk. I suppose that I could deign to help out.”
Discord scratched ‘D was here’ onto my hat. “There. You’ll be nice and limber when the stone sublimates. No, no, no need to thank me. All part of the job.” And with that, he disappeared.
Several minutes later, I was able to move. My muscles stretched, my breathing was deep, and my rage was as hot as ever.
Fidget cracked her knuckles above me. “Time to kick some ass. No offense.” She turned to a nearby donkey that was quaking in his hooves.
“Hafva- Haba-” Was all he managed to stutter before he ran off screaming.
I began to run towards the castle in the distance with Fidget flying behind me, and quickly became winded.
“Fuck… Trapped in… no exercise…” I gasped, doubled over and leaning on my knees.
“Sheesh. Guess a millennium trapped in stone is hell on the muscles.” Ahrah chuckled.
I was about to reply when I heard a shout from the direction of the castle. I looked up to see a royal guard bedecked in his golden armour galloping my way.
I grunted and hefted Ahrah.
"I'm supposed to be held backwards, remember?"
"Oh, right."
I shifted Ahrah to a backhanded position and leaped to the side, dodging the guard's hooves. I swung my sword, and nearly lost my grip when the guard ducked out of the way.
It was then that we realized that I still had no idea of how to wield Ahrah.
"Shit." I groaned.
"Time to run?" Ahrah asked.
"Yep. Fidget! Use cuteness!"
Fidget flew up to the royal guard and put on her best set of puppy dog eyes. She even made a small squeak.
The guard paused, unsure of how to deal with this new form of assault.
Fidget upped the stakes. "Y- You're not gonna hurt my daddy, aren't you?"
I could pinpoint the moment that the guard's heart melted. I kicked him in the face just after that point, and shoved him into a nearby bush.
"Run, bitches, run!" Fidget screamed, tearing off in the opposite direction as I joined her.
I almost didn't notice the cliff that I stepped off.
I quickly turned around and, with my innate knowledge of video game and cartoon logic combined, plunged Ahrah toward the cliff face. His flat tip sparked against the rock, and my fall continued unabated.
That was when I realized that Ahrah is not a stabbing weapon.
I eventually landed on a short outcrop of rock. I groaned, glad that my fluffy tail had broken some of my fall. Nothing felt broken, so I pushed myself up and noticed that there was a cave carved into the side of the mountain. I sat on the wall inside it as Fidget came fluttering down from where I had fallen.
"Oh, there you are. I was worried you'd fallen all the way down."
"Nope. And what was that, back there? Calling me your daddy, I mean."
Fidget shrugged. "Well, it's true. You technically birthed both me and Niquolais into existence."
"Niquolais and I." Niquolais piped up.
"Shush, you. So yeah. Technically, you are our father."
"Yeah, fuck that."
"What?"
"I'm not your dad. Brother, maybe. Friend, definitely. Think..." Shit. Ah well, when in Rome. "Think of Twilight and Spike. Twilight acts more like a sister to Spike than a mother, and she technically brought him into the world by hatching his egg."
"Mmh. That's flimsy and you know it."
"Whatever. Don't call me Dad anymore. Unless you're using cuteness, because that was surprisingly effective."
Fidget cut a bow. "My pleasure. So... Now what?"
"Now... Now we train. We need to know what we're doing so that we can go fuck with the princesses."
"Fair enough. Everfree? I recall that place being called dangerous."
"Maybe later. I want to know how to properly cut things first."
"Well, let's get started then!" Niquolais crowed.
And that was the last that the ponies saw of us for the next year or so.
Not for lack of trying, I later found out.
You’d think that after an entire year in the Everfree Forest, I’d have explored its secrets and learned its ins and outs.
The hydra chasing after me would prove you wrong.
“Why did you cut of its head?!” Fidget screamed at me.
“Ahrah thought it was a good idea!” I screamed back, receiving a mouthful of leaves for my troubles.
“Common lore, Dust! Cut the head and burn it!”
“Well fuck, Fidget, I’m not the one who can use fire magic!”
“...Oh. Right.”
I could hear one of the heads of the hydra zooming in for a strike. I jumped and twirled, entering a short trance where time seemed to slow and vector arrows began emerging from every moving object.
Left head, right fang. That was what would hit me. I whipped Ahrah up and around, into the tooth just before it impacted. There was a loud ring, a flash of light, and the hydra’s head was thrust backwards.
The hydra looked stunned, and the momentum of my swing turned me back to my path as I hit the ground.
Creatures scattered before us, fleeing from the stomping hydra. One creature didn’t flee, but watched with a detached surprise. It was the zebra that I’d seen visiting the ponies and who occasionally received pony visitors.
I’d carefully hidden myself from her as soon as I learned that she was friends with the ponies.
I passed her, and the hydra paid her no mind.
“Wait.” Ahrah murmured. “The zebra only shows up when we near the edge of the forest.”
“What’s that got to do with- Oh fuck me.”
I’d run straight out of the forest and into a party of colourful ponies who watched me pass with looks of shock before they morphed to looks of fear when the hydra burst from the treeline.
“Run! Fucking run!” I screamed as I dove over them all. Fidget flew under my hat and gripped the back of my head.
A bolt of lightning fell from the sky onto the hydra. The beast stood stock still for a moment before shaking its heads and looking at its surroundings. One of the ponies, a butter yellow pegasus with light pink hair flew up to it and started talking to it.
I stood with my hands on my knees, panting, when Fidget started muttering to me. “Ponies, Dust. Gee tee eff oh.”
“Fuck.” I muttered and turned to the group of six ponies that had taken to staring at me as the hydra stomped off into the forest.
We stared at each other for a few moments before Ahrah recognized the situation.
You’ll be staring at one another for a while before one of them recognizes us. Run now, it’ll surprise them.
I took a step to bolt, but was immediately beset upon by the same yellow pony that had talked the hydra down.
“Oh, it’s okay, mister kitty, we’re not gonna hurt you.” The pink haired horse began rubbing my chest. “Shh, it’s okay. Fluttershy’s going to take good care of you.”
“Um, Fluttershy?” A purple winged unicorn stammered. “I don’t think that this is an animal for you to befriend.”
“Oh, don’t be silly, Twilight. Just look at his fluffy ears!”
A white unicorn cleared her throat. “I think what Twilight meant was that this… creature is not an animal.”
Only technically.
Fluttershy scoffed. “What makes you say that?”
“Well, for one, animals don’t wear clothes.” Mine had stayed surprisingly intact and undamaged throughout my wanderings. “And second, it is using a tool, even if it is just a sword.” Fuck you, Ahrah’s awesome. “And finally, it talked. Shouted a warning at us, if you’ll recall.”
Fluttershy blushed and rushed to hide behind a blue pegasus who was staring at me skeptically. I grunted and began to circle them.
“But it’s interesting…” Twilight murmured. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen this creature before, but it looks familiar…” Fuck. I remember this one. She’d always go walking through the statuary garden with her nose in a book. She didn’t have wings back then, though.
I was suddenly caught in a purple bubble. “I think… I think Celestia should see this.”
“Fuck this shit.” I said and struck the shield with Ahrah. He cut through it easily, like a magical knife through magical butter. Twilight seemed shocked. “This is where I fuck off.”
And fuck off I did, bolting for the forest. Twilight shouted something behind me and I heard some projectile incoming.
I did my jumping turn, falling into my parry trance and came face to face with the blue pegasus from earlier. I barely had enough time to bring Ahrah to bear to send her careening off course. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to reflect her, just move her to the side, meaning she flew right past me and impacted the dirt.
“Don’t let him get away!” I heard Twilight shout.
Ahrah began yelling directions to me, calling the attack directions of the ponies. I ducked and weaved, occasionally leaping before I finally found my way into the treeline. Twilight let off an uncouth grunt of frustration and, without warning, was directly in front of me.
Unfortunately for her, that meant being stuck in the crook of a bisected tree. She struggled to free herself while I kept on running.
"Pinkie! He needs a welcoming party!" Twilight shouted and suddenly pink.
"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie, and I've never seen you be-" That was as far as the pink horse got before I bashed the side of her head with Ahrah's pommel. She sat down and began rubbing her head as I continued running.
After a few final stretches of forest, I came to the gorge that I had been about to explore when the hydra had ambushed me. I leaped over the edge and drew upon my mental connection to Fidget.
Why do we talk out loud when we can think at each other you ask?
Because Fidget and Ahrah still haven't gotten over the novelty of actually being heard by someone that's not me.
Anyway, I drew upon my mental connection to Fidget and pushed down on the air as I jumped. I could hear a gasp of surprise as wings of pure light shimmered into existence to give me enough of a boost to get high enough to be out of reach of the quarry eels. I then drew on my connection to Ahrah and held lightly onto him as he began to spin like an airplane propeller, carrying me the rest of the distance over the quarry.
What, I didn't tell you? Fuck, my memory must be full of holes. Yeah, Ahrah has a very limited mode of self locomotion in the form of hovering and spinning like a helicopter blade. That's how we use the Dust Storm.
Anyway, I had landed on the other side of the gorge when I heard a cry of pain. The blue pegasus had been idiotic enough to follow me over the gorge, and one of the eels had lunged out and snagged her hoof.
I sighed, hesitating.
Now I know what you are thinking. Why hesitate?
Because I don't actually hate the ponies. I just hate their rulers. Don't blame a people for something a ruler did, especially when those rulers are the ones who personally offended me long before any of these ponies were born.
Celestia and Luna would pay, yes, but I'd try to keep the common ponies out of it unless they were set up for some comedy gold.
But yes, I screeched to a halt and pointed my finger at the quarry eel. Fidget popped out from under my hat and lobbed a fireball at the eel and then slunk back under.
The quarry eel roared in pain, releasing the pegasus as I dove for her, grabbing her and using an Ahrah to pull ourselves to the edge of the gorge just as another eel's mouth occupied the space where the pegasus had just been.
What can I say? Even if I am the villain, I can still be the hero.
That made more sense in my head.
No it didn't.
Shut up, Niquolais.
So I saved the blue pegasus and set her down far enough away from the gorge that she wouldn't be tempting bait for the eels. She was flailing against my chest and back as I had grabbed her in the hold you keep babies in. I heard distant calls from Twilight for a Rainbow Dash to wait up.
"Well that's bad." Ahrah helpfully pointed out.
I grunted and, as the pony that I assumed Rainbow Dash was, given her hair was a rainbow, opened her mouth, I clapped my hands onto her ears and dropped her.
I don't hate ponies, but that doesn't mean I'm going to let one rat me out to Celestia.
Rainbow Dash dropped to the ground holding her ears as I leaped back over the gorge and hid in the foliage. I watched as the ponies regrouped and searched the area. They didn't find me, of course, because I was in a tree and they, being prey animals to ground-based predators, never looked up.
After the ponies left and the sun began to set, I decided that the gorge wasn't worth the glint of possible treasure that Fidget had reported was down there. I returned to the cave that I had turned into my home.
How'd I get my own cave?
Well, let's just say that bear meat is especially tasty when eaten in its own den.
When I reached my cave, it was shining with a suspicious orange light that went out as soon as I approached.
I nope'd off to Screwthatville.
Such events continued through the night, empty caves and hidey holes that I'd set up for situations like this all had a suspicious light, or small cough that caught my attention when there should be no such thing conceivably there.
Eventually I gave up the goose-chase and approached my primary cave and peered into the opening. Someone had set up a floodlight pointing at the entrance, and I could see the ponies from earlier trying to hide in various nooks in the bare cave walls.
"Fuck that noise." I said and waved my arm forward as Ahrah began to spin. Fidget lobbed a ball of energy at Ahrah, who split the ball into a million tiny projectiles that homed in on the ponies.
Okay, so it was more like fifteen or twenty projectiles, but that's still a lot.
The ponies began yelping as Fidget's energy balls impacted their hides. Luckily, Fidget had held back enough that the worst that the ponies would have would be a bruise the next day, but it was enough to flush them from cover. I turned my head to shade my eyes and stepped into the cave and past the floodlight. Pinkie Pie popped up in front of me and started to talk, but I was in no mood for her shit. I slammed Ahrah's pommel into her chin while her mouth was open. I could hear her teeth click shut and she started to dribble blood down her chin.
"Ooww! Ah bith mah thung!" Pinkie griped as she sat down. She stuck her tongue out at me and, sure enough, it had a clear set of herbivorous teeth marks in it. I picked her up by the scruff of her neck and flung her out of my cave. "Weeee!"
I turned and instinctively entered my parry trance when I saw both Rainbow Dash and an orange horse charged at me. I deflected them both, causing them to crash into Pinkie Pie.
Both the white unicorn and Twilight were preparing spells to cast as me, but I swiped that flat of Ahrah's blade across their horns and they stopped. I grabbed the unicorn by the horn before she could start back up and tossed her onto the growing pile of ponies at the door to my cave. Twilight tried to charge me, but she was slow and clumsy. I stepped around her and kicked her into the flailing melee of her friends.
I looked at Fluttershy, who was shivering in the back corner of my cave, and pointed at the pile of pretty pastel ponies. She made an adorable squeaking noise and slowly walked over to the pile and gently laid down on all of them.
"And stay out."
I opened my palm to the sky and Fidget tossed a bolt of lightning where I pointed my palm, which was at the roof at the mouth of the cave.
"Wait, this is a hor-" The lightning struck as Niquolais began to protest. Rocks fell and completely covered the entrance to my cave. "-rible idea. Gods' sake Dust, do you know what you've done?"
"Blocked to ponies out?" I shrugged.
"And blocked our way out. With no air. Now what?"
I looked at Ahrah, then at the back wall of my cave. It was a bit hard to see, but there was a small amount of light filtering through the rocks, and I was part fox cat thing, so I could see pretty well in the dark.
I looked back at Ahrah.
"No."
I grinned.
"I am not a tool, Dust."
"It's the only way." I pleaded.
"Fidget, back me up."
"I dunno, Ahrah. You are perfect for the job." Fidget said, rubbing her chin.
"There, see, even Fidget agrees. Democracy rules."
"That's not-" And then Ahrah got a metaphorical mouthful of literal dirt. It didn't so much as stop him from talking as it did muffle the noise.
Then Ahrah started bitching at us through our mental link.
Uncounted hours later, Ahrah sliced through the last section of rock. The sun was setting again, and I was surrounded by ponies in golden armour. Well, their statue likenesses, anyway.
Cockatrice must have been nearby. I decided to relocate immediately.
