The First and Last Chapter (also the middle one)
knock knock knock
“Spike, I said I didn’t want to be disturbed!” Twilight said, her wings flaring angrily.
Spike sighed as he walked in. “I know you’re really obsessed with that book, Twi, but you have to eat!” He set down a small plate of nachos next to Twilight.
Twilight sighed. “I know, Spike. I’m sorry I snapped at you; It’s just I’m at the climax of the novel and-“
“Oh, I gotcha.” Spike said, nodding. “So it’s like when you interrupted me when I was reading the part in my comic where Filly-second used the hyper-dragon-laser to annihilate doctor hoofenstein!”
Twilight blinked. “Er… yeah. Something like that.”
“Alright, Twilight, I won’t bother you again.” Spike said, winking at her as he exited her bedroom, closing the door behind him.
Twilight smiled, and turned back to her mystery novel.
“Any closing statements from the defense?” The judge said.
“Yes, my client wishes for you to go to Tartarus.” The defense attorney said.
“I see.” Said the Judge. “And so, the jury rules the defendant-“
“STOP THE TRIAL!”
Everyone gasped and turned to the door to enter the courtroom, where a lone figure stood, cloaked in shadow.
“Whoa! Who’s this guy?” Twilight said to herself.
“Who are you? Why are you here?” The judge asked, glaring at the interruptor.
“Why, I’m here to share a few facts with you, related to the trial.” The newcomer walked in; nobody tried to stop him.
“You see, chocolate pudding is very good. In fact, I’d say that it’s one of the best foods in all of pony history.”
Twilight blinked, and read the line again. The trial had nothing to do with chocolate pudding!
“Furthermore, I believe chocolate pudding should be eaten with a fork, not a spoon, and should be stirred, not shaken. The texture should be-“
“What does this have to do with the trial?” The judge asked, bewildered.
“Nothing whatsoever. I’m just hungry for chocolate pudding.” The newcomer snapped his paw, and all the courtroom’s walls began to dissolve into chocolate pudding.
Twilight shook her head. What in equestria was happening in this story?
The page ended there, so Twilight turned to the next page, only to see a pair of mismatched eyes taking up both pages, staring at her. Twilight cried out, and jumped back.
An ominous laugh came from the book, and a certain mismatched figure rose from the pages. The evil laughter gradually degraded into a silly chortle, as Discord himself crawled out of the book.
“Oh, Princess! You should see the look on your face! Priceless!” Discord howled with laughter, rolling on the floor. Twilight ignored him momentarily and checked on the book. There was no chocolate pudding to be found in the words on the pages.
Twilight rolled her eyes; she should have known. “What do you want, Discord.” She growled, trying and failing to return to her book.
“Why, I just wanted to talk!” Discord said, smiling. “Is it really wrong for a Draconequus to chat with his gal pal?”
“When she’s reading a good book, it is!” Twilight snapped.
“Oh, my. I’m so sorry. I’ll be quiet and let you read.” Discord said, his teeth turning into a zipper which he zipped shut.
Twilight glared at him before returning to her reading. Of course, a few seconds later, she felt a hot breath on her neck. No way she could get any real reading done in this state.
“Argh! Fine, let’s talk.” Twilight cried, putting a bookmark in her book.
Discord’s disembodied mouth smiled; it had been breathing directly down her neck. Discord put his mouth back on and tore off the zipper comically, discarding it. His mouth popped back into existence. “Ah, how kind of you to interrupt your beloved reading for the one and only me!”
“Just get it over with.” Twilight grumbled, flying up to her bed and settling down.
“Aww, I’m sorry, Princess.” Discord said, popping out from under the bed.
“I really only want to talk, and I’ll be out of your hair.” Said another Discord, popping up from the other side of the bed.
“Or mane, or whatever it is you want to call it.” Said a third Discord, materializing from the bed’s headboard and stroking Twilight’s mane. Twilight yelped and leaped off the bed.
“Discord, either tell me what the hell you want or go away.” Twilight said, her patience wearing thin.
“Easy, girl, easy.” Discord said, raising his hands. “Don’t make me leash you.” A leash momentarily appeared in his hand before vanishing. “Anyways, what did I want to talk to you about again?” Discord tapped his goatee, thinking. “Oh yes! Our friendship.”
Discord leaned forward, his eyes widening into those of a puppy dog. “Are we truly friends, Twilight Sparkle?”
“Didn’t we go over this whole thing back during that ‘blue flu’ incident?” Twilight asked. “About how I’d go to the ends of Equestria for you?”
“Well, the other day I was in my thinking tree – well, it was my thinking tree, now it’s my thinking futon, it changes every once in a while – I was thinking, did she really mean all that?” Discord raised his bushy eyebrows and looked at the ceiling thoughtfully. “Is Twilight truly my friend? Does she truly like me as a friend?”
“Well, of course I do.” Twilight said irritably.
A device appeared in Discord’s hand, which had a monitor. The monitor read “LIAR!!” and played a loud alarm noise.
“Well, what do you know? It appears my lie detector has caught you in the act.” Discord turned the machine into a parasprite, which nearly flew out the window before Twilight banished it.
“I’ve been thinking, Twilight. Truly, I have.” Discord adopted a slightly more serious tone. “See, the thing is, back when I had the blue flu, you may have said you wanted to help me because you were my friend. However, I think you only said that because if you didn’t help me, my illness would wreak havoc on Equestria and everything you know and love.
“In addition,” Discord pulled out a colorful puzzle cube, and began mixing it. “You said you were my friend. Said that you and I were best buds.”
Discord showed Twilight the puzzle cube; it was already complete. “I’m no fool, Princess Twilight Sparkle.” He turned over the cube to reveal a taped-on card; a Joker. Tossing the cube over his shoulder (where it turned into a mouse when it hit the ground), he knelt in front of Twilight. “I do know that it’s possible to lie.”
“What are you saying, Discord?” Twilight asked. Inside, she felt the tiniest flicker of nervousness.
“What I’m saying?” Discord asked in return. “I’m saying that you weren’t being completely honest when you said you were my friend. I’m saying that you don’t think of me as your friend at all. I’m saying that you think that if you say that you’re not my friend, then I’m going to go back to my old ways.” Discord pulled out a glass of chocolate milk and bit part of it off, glass, milk, and all. It made a crunching noise.
“Um, of course not.” Twilight said. Her brow flickered the tiniest bit; anyone else may have missed it, but Discord was an expert.
“Why not?” he asked. “After all, if you six weren’t my “friends”, and now that the elements are gone, I would have free reign over all of equus. I’d have a field day – though when I’m done, it would be a butter day.” Discord elbowed Twilight. “See what I did there? Grass? Butter? Because I’m evil? And I’d transmogrify it? Eh? You know what I mean? Nudge nudge? Know what I mean? Wink wink? Know what I mean? Know what I mean?”
“Yes, Discord, I get it.” Twilight said, backing away from the Draconequus. “Now, a question of my own: is this a statement, or a thinly veiled threat?”
“the answer is C: all of the above. Or perhaps it’s D: none of the above. Or maybe it’s E: chineighse food. I always loved that stuff.” Discord put on a moustache and adopted a rather offensive chineighse accent. “Speaking of foreign countries, I always thought chineigh would make a nice large cinnamon bun.”
He put took off the moustache, turned it into a ushanka, and placed it on his head. “Or that the ancient fort Stalliongrad would make a lovely cheese castle.”
Then Discord saw something in Twilight’s eyes. He saw just the tiniest flicker of a certain emotion. “What’s wrong, Twilight? Annoyance? Anger? Bad gas?” he asked, leaning down next to her as his hat crawled off his head to parts unknown. “Or is that, maybe, just maybe, a tiny bit…
“of fear?”
Twilight stepped back. “Y-you’re not going to do anything.” She stuttered, encasing Discord in a magic bubble, just in case.
She felt a tap on her back, and turned to see Discord now standing behind her. “On the contrary, I can do anything I want, if I don’t have any friends.” He smiled, but instead of just a goofy grin, Twilight saw just a bit of something else. A tiny trace of malice.
“What about Fluttershy? She’s your friend!” Twilight cried out.
Discord stared at Twilight, grinning. He snapped his fingers, and a chessboard materialized. A white piece with Twilight’s face was cornered by a bunch of black pieces, all bearing Discord’s mismatched mug. “Well, I do believe that’s checkmate, my dear.”
“Wha?!” Twilight cried out.
“Yes, see, you said ‘what about Fluttershy; she’s your friend.’ Well, tell me princess, if Fluttershy’s my friend…” he leaned close to Twilight. “What does that make you.”
Twilight’s eyes widened, seeing her previous slip. “Um… what I meant was… I…” She quailed at Discord suddenly rearing to his full height. His teeth sharpened, and his claws became more wicked.
“Looks like we’re due…” Discord said, “for a big old storm of…”
Then he snickered.
Then chuckled.
Then laughed his head off.
“I can’t believe you fell for it!” Discord once more howled with laughter.
Twilight straightened up, still shaking slightly. “What?” she asked.
“You – you really thought I was going to take over the world!” Discord laughed uproariously, pounding his fist on the ground. “You – you honestly thought I was a big enough jerk to just forget about you and take over the world!”
Hearing Discord’s continued laughter, Twilight couldn’t help herself. She giggled a little too, mostly from hysteria.
“Oh! Oh! And you know what the funniest part of it all is?!” Discord cried, putting an arm around Twilight.
“No, what!?” Twilight laughed.
Discord abruptly stopped laughing and stared at Twilight, a grim expression on his face. Twilight continued laughing for a few more seconds, before she realized he had stopped. Then she shut up, and faced the Draconequus, a questioning look in her eyes.
“The funniest part… is that you really thought I was going to take over the world. Which means my suspicions were true.” Discord got up, and began to walk towards the window, slouched over.
“Twilight, friends trust each other. Friends always have each others’ backs, and they know it. The fact that you really believed that I was going to take over the world, shows that you don’t trust me.”
Twilight’s head warped a bit, trying to follow Discord’s rather confusing thought process. “So… you weren’t going to really take over the world?”
Discord looked at her, a miserable expression on his face, placed a hoof on the windowsill. “Twilight, if you were a true friend, you’d know I’d never do that.” He placed his other claw on the sill.
“I’m reformed, remember?”
Then Discord jumped, his disproportionately small wings lifting him into the air with the greatest of ease.
Twilight rushed to the window, watching Discord fly away. Then she sighed, and turned around, walking back into her room.
Twilight then turned around, took a running start at the window, leapt out, and flew after Discord.
Discord wasn’t really paying attention, so he only reacted when he felt the hooves on his tail. He looked down to see Twilight clinging to his red tail.
“Discord, please! Let me-“
“No, Twilight. You’ve made your feelings quite clear.” Discord said, a hint of resent in his voice. He let his tail break off of him, and fall to the ground, Twilight going with it.
Twilight landed on the ground hard, the wind knocked out of her. The tail wriggled out of her weakened grasp, and blew a raspberry at her before going back to its master.
Twilight got up. The expression on her face was the one that Shining Armor used to call, the “I’m-not-backing-down-if-the-world-ends” face. She flew back into the air.
“Discord! You’re going to listen to me-“ she cried, but Discord simply plucked the ears off his head and turned them into birds.
“La-la-la-lala, I can’t hear you!” he yelled.
“Oh yeah, real mature.” Twilight said, catching up to him.
“Mature? Since when was I mature?” Discord looked at Twilight, still frowning, his ears beginning to grow back.
“Discord, really, just give me a chance!” Twilight begged desperately.
“Talk to the hand, mare.” The draconequus said, plucking off his claw and handing it to Twilight.
The claw spoke as though it was a sock puppet: “Sorry, but the number you reached is currently unavailable. Please leave a message after the tone; when the tone sounds, it will be exactly ‘stop bothering me’ o clock.” The hand made a noise like a foghorn, then returned to Discord’s forearm.
“Discord!” Twilight begged, latching onto his back. “I want to apologize!”
“Oh yeah? For what?” Discord asked, his tone indicating that he didn’t honestly care.
“For not trusting you!” Twilight begged.
Discord did a barrel roll, but Twilight hung on. “Just go away already.”
“Not until you stop being a brat and hear what I have to say!” Twilight cried, gripping him like a remora onto a shark.
“Oh, all right.” Discord said, as the two suddenly plummeted to the ground. They landed in a grassy field.
“You have sixty seconds.” Discord said, still frowning. “And I’m not good with time, so that could either be sixty nanoseconds, or sixty years’ worth of seconds.”
“Look, I-“ Twilight said, before Discord’s suddenly-existing watch beeped.
“Oh, would you look at that! It WAS sixty nanoseconds! Tough luck-“
“WILL YOU SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME?!”
Twilight raised her voice for the first time, causing Discord to finally shut his mouth.
“Listen…” Twilight said before Discord could react. “I’m really, really sorry about not trusting you, back in the library.”
“Are you really REALLY sorry?” Discord asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Discord,” Twilight said, “a long time ago, someone told me something: that losing a friend’s trust is the fastest way to lose a friend-“
“FOREVER!” Pinkie Pie said, popping out of a patch of begonias. Both Twilight and Discord jumped as Pinkie sunk back down into the flowers.
“Um, anyways.” Twilight said. “I’ll admit it: back in that room, at the Library, I wasn’t truly your friend. You were right; I was only pretending to be your friend so that you wouldn’t go crazy on us.”
“HAH! I knew it!” Discord said, pointing an accusing finger.
“Wait!” Twilight cried. “But things have changed! Now I’m really your friend!”
Discord’s finger drooped like a limp noodle. “Come again?”
“Discord, you’re not the only one who can tell when another is telling lies.” Twilight explained. “I could tell that every word you said back there was genuine and truthful.”
“Except for that part where I fooled you into thinking I was going to take over the world.” Discord corrected.
“Well, yeah, except that.” Twilight conceded. “But everything else, I could tell was genuine.
“I didn’t trust you. I thought you were a lying scumbag. But now I know better.” Twilight gave a small smile. “I believe that you were telling the truth. You really have reformed.”
“Well, durr! That’s what I was trying to tell you!” Discord said.
“Seriously, Discord: I want to be your friend, and I’m really sorry for not being your friend earlier.” She walked closer to the draconequus. “I honestly didn’t believe it at first, but Fluttershy’s reformation worked. I’m sorry I doubted you.” She walked even closer.
“Hey, whoa, personal space bubble-“ Discord said, about to draw a dotted line circle in the air with his finger, but froze when he felt the hooves around his waist.
Twilight was hugging him tightly, smiling.
Discord stared at the pony, who barely came up to the bottom of what passed for his chest. A mix of emotions went through his head.
First, disbelief.
Then, surprise.
Then, happiness.
And finally, hope.
He picked up Twilight Sparkle and hugged her for all she was worth. “You ponies may be annoying at times, but you are just the most huggable little things ever!” he cried.
Twilight giggled. “You’re not so bad a teddy bear, yourself.”
“You kidding?!” Discord said, dropping Twilight. “I’m no stuffed animal! I’m 100% pure muscle, baby.” He briefly got the body of a bodybuilder, and flexed his muscles.
Twilight laughed at the silly display. Then she felt a pinch on her cheek, and saw Discord looking into her eyes.
“I’ve never heard you truly laugh before.” He said, smiling, and staring at her with affection. “You have the most beautiful laugh.”
Twilight blushed lightly. “C’mon, let’s get back to Ponyville.” She and the mismatched mayhem-bringer rose into the air, and flew back towards the town, hoof in claw.
“Can we get ice cream?”
“No, you’ll spoil your appetite.”
“Aw, man!”
