How to Crash a Castle

by Walkofshade

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3890

Another addition to the League of humans acting villainous. When I go to Comicon I go to buy sh**, however apparantly buying a magic blacksmith hammer sends me to ponyland. F*** my life.

Normally a magic hammer calls lightning and shit, you know, smite some bitches. However apparently the one I got never got that memo, so now I am bored as fuck, and stuck in a land of ponies. Time to become un-bored, this should be easy. All I need to do is call in some magic frog fuckers and we got a party, Castle Crashers style.

Huge thanks to Jimmy the Grape for inspiring me to write again.

Published 2014-02-24 04:40:08 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-29 18:38:51 UTC

And So it Begins

"Dude I got no idea why you dressed as the blacksmith." my friend said to me as we walked around the large groups of cosplayers and superhero fans that littered the Comicon grounds.

"Because he was my favorite character dipshit. And you know as well as I do that way back in my family tree there were blacksmiths. The forging blood runs through our veins." I replied, brushing some dust off of my costume. "Besides the Blue knight sucked ass."

"You're just pissed I chose him first." he replied, using his usual comeback.

"You're just pissed I have enough money to buy DLC." I shot back. "By the way you are gonna have to owe me for your pass, it wasn't a gift."

"Now I feel all warm inside. You sure now how to be a good friend. Oh man look at that!" he said, pointing at a booth. I glanced over and saw that they were selling video game weapon replicas, and that a certain hammer was the main piece. We both ran over like any fanboys would. "Look at this!" he said, picking up a staff with the mark of Solaire of Astoria on it. I was only able to draw my attention away from looking at the hammer long enough to crush his dreams.

"Look at that." I stated, pointing at the price tag of 100$ (In case you hadn't noticed this is a shoutout to Jimmy the Grape.)

"Damn dust pockets." he grumbled. "And lemmie guess, you, mister wallet warrior are going to buy that hammer."

"I only load gold to troll newbies. And because I am an asshole. But yeah, I am gonna buy it. It IS the flaming hammer as the blacksmith's ranged magic attack." I replied, then I turned to the person running the stand. "How much?"

"Same as the staff, triple digits with a one and two zeroes." the guy said, pulling out a small cash register from under his table.

"One dollar sweet!" I said, throwing out five twenties and taking the hammer. As I walked away from the booth I gave the hammer a couple of swings, testing it's weight. "I think it is real metal." I told my friend, who was still looking back at the staff.

"I doubt that very much." he replied. "What are you gonna buy next?"

"The world, and you will be my bitch until you pay me back for your ticket." I replied quickly.

"There wouldn't be much of a change then I guess."

"Screw you I'm not that bad." I said as we walked into the main hall. I looked around at how big the room was. "Jesus, I don't think we have a center this big, no wonder we don't have a huge Comicon of our own.

"If we did Mayor Ford will demand to be the mascot." we both started laughing at our mayor's antics. However my laughter was suddenly stopped as the hammer burst into flames.

"FUCK!" I yelled, dropping the hammer. I checked my hand for burns quickly before looking down to see that the hammer never stopped at the floor and had begun to burn through at lightning speed. My friend and about thirty other people watched in awe and horror as the floor underneath my feet suddenly crumbled away into oblivion. But before I was lost forever I had one last thought. "IF I DIE NOW MY LAST WORD IS KUMQUAT!" Then everything went black.

Celestia's POV

I looked at the rich elite that stood before me, who was currently complaining about how the taxes were taking away his had earned riches, and how I should lower them. Things had been getting pretty boring as there was normally something huge happening somewhere, whether it be an ancient enemy from 1000 years ago, or Twilight and her friends blowing something up. However now things seemed to be toning down and that was boring me. So that is why I sat there hoping for a villain to show up out of the blue. Oh, he is looking for an answer now. "Sir, I am sorry, I cannot lower the taxes any or else the city will start to go bankrupt, then I will need to raise the taxes extremely high to keep us afloat." I told him.

"But princess I must object! My money is simply flowing away from me with all these taxes, you could lower them for us rich and make them higher for the rest even!" the pony whined.

Why won't he give up, don't they understand that I can just hurl them into the sun if I want to? "Sir my answer is final, now exit the c-" I was cut off by crack appearing in the ceiling. We both looked up and saw something coming through.

"What in the wo-" the stallion was cut off by a hammer falling through the crack and slamming into his face, knocking him out. I was about to jump off of my throne to help him when something else fell, smashing down upon the unfortunate pony with a large crash.

"FUCKING SHIT!" came a yell from the thing that fell last. The thing then rose to it's full height, rivaling my own. Then it turned it's head to face me, it's eyes just slats. "What in the sweet name of fuck just happened?" it asked, before falling to the ground, further crushing the elite beneath him.

There was a crash as the door was flung open by her guards. "Princess are you alright?" one of them asked me, I simply nodded, moving towards the creature for a closer look. I was about to poke what looked like it's head with my hoof when it's claw rose up and smacked my hoof away.

"Don't you touch my helmet bitch." the creature stated. I then lifted the creature into the air with my magic, holding it in my grasp.

"Who and what are you?" I asked it.

"I'm the fucking blacksmith, and I'm a damn human. What the fuck are you?" it replied.

"I am princess Celestia, the co-ruler of this land. I raise the sun and my sister raises the moon." I explained, ignoring it's vulgarity.

"Princess I would advise against speaking to the creature until we have questioned it." the guard said.

"Pssh she just said she was the co-ruler of the land, go jerk off in the corner, I think she got this handled. As well I don't give a fuck about the logic of raising the sun and the moon 'cause I just fell through the ground with a magic hammer into a world of talking magical horses. But where I come from the planet we live on orbits the sun and the moon orbits us. Anyways see ya!" it said, holding up it's claw flat towards my face. Suddenly the ground beneath my feet rose into the air by a meter due to a strange contraption and I was thrown across the room. Out of my grasp the creature ran to the side of the room, forgetting his hammer, and kicked the wall near the window down, and gave a quick salute before jumping off the edge.

Drinking Through My As- Eyeholes

AUTHORS NOTE: The first bit of this chapter is the old chapter, to get to the new stuff just scroll down past Twilight's POV, thanks.

(Back to my own point of view.)

I cackled the entire way down, however my insane laughter was ripped from my mouth with the extreme speed of falling from the highest point of a mountain top castle to the bottom of a ravine. The drop only lasted around ten seconds though, mainly because A certain friendship train was going too fast for it's own good. "Aaaand! WINDSHIELDS CAN SUCK IT!" I yelled as I smashed through the glass that covered the front window of the locomotive. The conductor inside never saw it coming, and that was quite apparent when he was sent sprawling by my foot pimp slapping his face. I looked over at the sack of crap in the corner and decided to check his pulse. "Still beating, still breathing." I said to myself as I took his hat and ran my hand over the controls. "I always wanted to be a conductor."

Twilight POV

I couldn't keep the smile off of my face as Pinkie continues her story, something about a magic golden whale she apparently saw when she had last went into the Everfree forest. It was so far fetched that only a gloriously random mind like Pinkie's could make something like that up. "And then, I got onto the whale's back and rode around on him as we rained gold onto the timberwolves! And after that we touched down to fi-" she was cut off by a loud smash coming from the engine room.

"What in tarnation was that?" Applejack asked me.

"I have no idea, we should go see if the conductor is alright." I replied, getting up from my seat. The girls nodded and rose from their own seats, only to be knocked down by the train suddenly accelerating. I was the first back up and I ran towards the door, barely being able to stop when the door was bashed open off it's hinges letting the air rip through the car.

My eyes began to water because of the rapid winds, but through the liquid I could see a strange creature walk inside the car. It turned around to the door. "Wish I brought duct tape." it commented before leaning down to me. "Yo purple horse thing, you got duct tape?" it asked me. I was astonished at how a possible new species just busted down the door to my train car, and forming perfect Equestrian asked me a question.

"Abdurhuf" was all that I could gargle out of my mouth.

"What, are you retarded or something, I asked you a question. Do you got any duct tape?" it repeated, flicking my forehead. "Fuck it, no point in reasoning with idiots." it said, giving up. Standing up to it's full height again, the creature grabbed the microphone for the P.A system on the train and tapped it a couple of times. "Hello horse things, this is your honorary conductor speaking. Now you may be asking yourself, 'Where is the trained conductor', well, he is mildly unconscious and may have a slight major concussion. HOWEVER, do not worry because I have set the train to maximum speed, we should be taking off any second now, so fasten your seat belts, it's gonna be a bumpy ride." From it's voice I determined that it was male, and finally remembered how to speak, so I decided to say something that had been caught in my throat earlier.

"WHAT IN CELESTIA'S NAME ARE YOU? AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN TAKING OFF?" I bellowed, practicing my Canterlot Voice.

"I'm the fucking hero, and by taking off I mean hold on tight, also, does Brenoulli's principle work here?" it replied.

"Brenoulli's WHAT?" was all I could say before the sound of a train derailing met my ears. "Oh no."

(Blacksmith POV)

I turned around to see the view from the train car door change from the engine to the ground as the engine powered off the tracks detaching for no apparent reason. However it was not enough to stop our car from careening off the edge of the cliff. I slid forward towards the door but went spread eagle at the last second to stop myself, then six deadweights hit from behind, all of them screaming. I turned my head to the side. "CAN YOU ALL SHUT THE FUCK UP, I AM TRYING NOT TO THINK!" I yelled at them, making them scream more. Fucking horses. Looking back forward the ground was rushing up to us at a breakneck pace, and the engine was going down even faster, it now being nothing but a heavier object to fall to the ground. I turned my head back once more. "I guess it does work then! Fucking wonderful, you would think that the magic weed train in this LSD driven world would fly but NO!" I complained to them, but the still didn't shut up. Note to self, duct tape.

Once again looking forward I laughed like a madman, the ground becoming a very close thing. I laughed harder as the engine was about to hit the ground and I waited in anticipation of the explosion... Nothing. NOTHING? I watched in amazement as the train began to fly away from the ground, before safely landing next to a lake being fed by those giant waterfalls coming from the nonexistent lakes in the mountain city. "NOW IT FLIES?" I yelled, extremely pissed off. I lifted one hand to shake my fist to the heavens when my own train car suddenly righted itself midair, much to my stomach's surprise and pain. I was thrown to the ground as sent sprawling to the back of the train as it began to fly forwards on a decent path a little less drastic than mine. As the train touched down I got up off of the fluffy horse things behind me and dusted my costume off, and began to walk outside to look for the culprit who stole my fun. I barely made it to the door before that large horse from before walked in, with another in tow that was about the same size as her, but blue.

"YOU!" the blue one bellowed, blasting my hearing. "IT IS TIME TO ANSWER FOR YOUR CRIMES!"

"Gotcha, so where to Billy Mays?" I replied, walking up to her, only to be forced to the ground by the same strange force that pinned me back in that throne room. The white one stepped forward, but looked extremely cautious, eying my hands.

"YOU WILL BE TAKEN TO THE CANTERLOT COURT ROOM, WHERE YOU WILL BE TRIED FOR YOUR CRIMES.!" the blue one pretty much screamed this time.

"HEY! I CAN YELL TOO! BUT I UNDERSTAND YOU JUST AS WELL IF YOU QUIET DOWN!" I yelled, standing up and stepping towards her face. This time the force was a little more painful. And it kinda threw me against the roof.

"You have terrorized this land and therefore you will be-" the white one began. I sat up, clutching my stomach, my other hand looking for something else.

"Did you have to use me to dent the roof Palpatine?" I groaned, my other hand finding what it was looking for.

"I thought you were going to attack my sister, if you are seriously hurt I am sorry." the white one replied, an apologetic smile creeping across her face. I paused. What the actual fuck? I just smashed her against a wall, blew up another wall, hijacked a train then sent it off a cliff and she said sorry? I thought it was gonna be like cut off my hands or something. Huh.

"I am not injured too bad. But guess what?" I said, grasping the item I so desperately needed.

"I will not play your games." the white one said, her face turning into a frown again.

"It wasn't my game." I deadpanned, yanking out the potion and pouring the contents into the only hole in my helmet, the eyes. I instantly felt better and because of this I activated my magic, the purple aura surrounding me once more. The white one lit up the horn on her head and so did the blue one. "Guess what?" I asked again.

"WHAT?" the blue one yelled before slapping a hoof over her mouth.

"Frogs."

Author's Note

Well that was fun to write. Hope you enjoy it, and by now you probably know that this story is going to be a straight up rivalry between the Blacksmith and Equestria, and he won't stop until that castle is crashed. Until next time readers!

Setting the Conflict

After saying that one word I reached for my hammer on my back, only to realize it wasn't there. However with some quick thinking I used a different mode of attacking: Spam. Willing a certain little asshole to life a strange looking frog appeared next to me, floating forward towards the large horses. "WHAT IS THIS CREATURE?" the blue on yelled, only for my new best friend to lick out it's tongue and slap her in the face with it. At that point the car fell into complete silence, the waterfall outside even seeming to stop flowing. I took the chance to say my part.

"Like I said, frogs." and with that I ran forward, football slamming my way past the white one and ran outside, once again using my magic to spawn the scaffolding that I loved ever so much. Launching myself into the air with it's spring power I whooped in joy before hitting the waterfall, and spawning another frog to help me swim up it. (Note: you CANNOT do this in the game, I just thought it would be a good way to expand on his abilities.)

(Celestia POV)

I stumbled as the creature blasted past me, running out of the car. Looking over my sister was still recovering from the shock of being slapped in the face by a strange frog creature, which appeared and disappeared as soon as it attacked.

"WHERE IS HE? I WILL MAKE HIM PAY FOR HIS CRIMES!" my sister said, blasting my ears out. She was looking around glaring at everything she saw. She whipped her head around as a whoop of joy could be heard from outside. She was about to charge out the door and give chase when I stopped her.

"Sister, calm yourself. He is only riling you up. Before charging after him I would like to see if the elements of harmony are okay." I stated, looking to the back of the train where the elements were lying, unconscious. I walked towards them, my sister following close behind. Seeing one of them twitch I paused, but my sister continued walking forward.

"WHERE IS IT?" came a yell from the bunch of ponies, and the element of loyalty, Rainbow Dash came flying out of the pile, right into my sisters face. I resisted the urge to laugh as my sister was knocked to the ground by the speeding cyan mass. After returning to her feet Rainbow spoke the fastest apology I had ever heard before turning back to her friends and helping me and my sister wake them up.

(Royal Guard POV: Pvt. Train Parts specifically)

I looked around at the ponies bustling around the city, most moving faster than usual. The disturbance at the castle had caused an increased number of guards to be sent out across the town, only further driven by the fact that the princesses had both left mysteriously. I keep hearing something happening in the throne room, but it had been only hushed whispers as most of the information was classified. I was already out on my patrol route for the day when more guards were sent out, so it didn't bother me until I realized that I had a new partner assigned to me. Sgt. Screamer.

(This next part may be both inaccurate and offensive to military people. So essentially this will be for the most part a straight up assholish piece of writing and I do not mean any direct offense to anyone, just putting it out there. Please don't stone me to death, that would ruin my day and I would never be able to fully complete Dark Souls.)

Sgt. Screamer was the worst of the worst, the loudest drill instructor there ever was. So when he spoke the entirety of Canterlot could hear him. When he yelled Equestria did it's best to give him the finger. So I was less than pleased when he showed up halfway through my second round.

"PRIVATE PARTS, GET YOUR HEAD OVER HERE!" Screamer yelled, causing all the ponies around him to either cover their ears or burst out laughing.

"Yes drill sergeant." I groaned, walking over to him.

"PRIVATE PARTS THIS IS GOING TO BE A VERY LONG AND HARD DAY FOR ALL OF US, SO DON'T THINK THAT YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO IS BEING JERKED AROUND."

"Are you doing that on purpose?"

"DOING WHAT?" at this point ponies were now showing up by the dozens to see the comical event unfold.

"Never mind." I replied, slouching a little.

"PRIVATE PARTS STOP DROOPING, HARDEN UP!"

"Yes Sir."

"LESS TALK MORE WALK, PRIVATE PARTS, IT'S TIME TO STIMULATE THOSE MUSCLES!" with that I began to walk, my face hotter than lava and about as red as it too. "PRIVATE PARTS WHY DOES YOUR HEAD LOOK FLARED, IT ISN'T THAT HOT IS IT?" I wanted to run away as the crowd's laughter was louder than ever.

"No drill sergeant." was all I could squeeze out of my throat. Suddenly I heard a whoop of joy and the sound of splashing water. Looking around my eyes narrowed at the feeder pool for the waterfall that was about a meter or two behind me. Grasping my spear and forgetting the taunting crowd I slowly walked towards the water, motioning for Screamer to follow.

However before I could do anything else a strange biped flew upwards out of the water, followed by a strange frog-like creature which disappeared shortly after I saw it. The biped landed in front of my, and I did a quick once over to make sure I was correct. The creature was wearing a full suit of armor which gleamed in the sunlight, and was wearing a purple undercloak underneath, covering it's shoulders before leading into bracers which protected it's arms. The helmet was the thing that scared me the most though. With just slats for eyes I could feel it glaring at me, it's strange horns casting a shadow which spread a far way down the road due to his position to the sun.

"Well than, there are soldiers. Are you going to attack me or something?" the creature asked. I was about to answer until a certain Sgt. did for me.

"DAMN RIGHT HE WILL!"

Author's Note

Herro peple. The reason why this is so late is because I am a lazy fuck. Hope you enjoyed!

Blame my computer

The reason i have not been posting is because my comouter literally blew the fuck up. This is sent from my tablet which I would wather shove up my ass than type a story on, so blame my computer for the lack up updates.

Update on the computer problem

Today I decided to just say fuck it. I am beginning the tedious task of writing a chapter on my tablet. Howeve on a brighter note I have ogtten an idea for a new fic which will be coming out soon
However for it I am gonna borrow a friend's old laptop and hopefully I can get a couple of chapters of this fic up before I start a new one. The new schedule will depend on the popularity of the new fic, but this fic will still be updated ASAP no matter what. Toodles