Rise of the Muscle Wizard.

by Ssendam the Masked

Rating: teen
Tags: Lightning Dust, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Human, Anthro, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy
Length: 6887

A wizard whose power comes from his muscles enters an anthro Equestria. He casts Magic Fist.

There is no rule stating that one cannot be a geek AND also be buff.
I defy the rules.
Now, I am here in this anthro Equestria because reasons.
I am the Muscle Wizard, and I cast Magic Fist.

Inspired by Malideus.

Published 2014-02-24 11:20:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-18 14:10:26 UTC

Fist Pump.

I examined my body in the mirror. Finally, after six months, it had come to this. I had finally achieved the perfect body for my costume.

I flexed my new muscles. Yes, muscles. Six months ago, I was a skinny nerd. Now, I'm a buff nerd. A thick carpet of chest hair that I've always had, now actually looked appropriate with the veritable SEA of muscles that I had cultivated. My arms used to have the tone of limp noodles, but now they look like arms that you would see on a wrestler. Normally, my legs would look pretty similar to my arms- flabby and useless. But through sheer determination and the Christian Bale workout, my body is at the very peak of human perfection.

And all of this for a stupid DnD joke costume that nobody would really get. Still, it was worth it, if only for a body that could go shirtless in public without shame. Six months ago, I came upon the idea to dress up as the Muscle Wizard, talked about as a wizard who uses his muscles instead of his wits to cast spells. The idea exploded in my head, except my body was weak and unsuited to the rigours of being a shirtless Muscle Wizard. So, I made my body into a tank.

Six months of being in the gym, working out for about six hours, only stopping for a quick sippy. In six months, I had done a Christian Bale. If I really wanted to, I could be Batman. But no, my Muscle Wizard costume needed me. I looked over it. Six months ago, it had seemed a dream. My friends had laughed at the idea that I, Maximillian, could ever become a buff wrestler dude. Now, they were proven wrong.

I pulled on my pair of tighty whiteys, and then gripped the modified robe. Previously, it'd just been another wizard robe. Not after I was done with it, though. I'd taken the stars off of it, replacing them with little gold fists. The robe itself was a deep blue, contrasting against the fists nicely. For a hat, a pointy, wide-brimmed blue hat with the same fist motif. I placed it on my head, stroking my sideburns and moustache. I'd thought about growing a beard, but the moustache and sideburn combo was enough for the Muscle Wizard look. Finally, I oiled my muscles, making them shine. I grinned at myself in the mirror. "Here's looking at you, kid." With that, I sauntered off, towards the convention centre.

On my way there, I was treated to a lot of stares, at this bold, muscular wizard, strolling along and not giving any fucks. I grinned as some guys looked at me like I was some sort of weirdo. I suppose I was a bit of a weirdo, but who gives a shit? I don't. Not this wizard. My other con-goers were intimidated by my six feet in height and my bulging muscles. Some of them thought of challenging me, but were rebuffed by my flexing. It seems as if I had earned my nerd cudos. That was, until a nasally voice whined through the line, after a couple of moments silence.

"Hey, this is a comic convention, not a body building convention, you CoD fag." For answer, I simply turned to him. He was fat, had a neck beard and a pony shirt. I snorted. I was going to crush him.
"Are you aware of my power? I am the Muscle Wizard. My hit dice are d10, my intellect and strength are both d10, and my spirit and cons are both d8s. Come on my level, and I'll lane you like a bitch." Thus suitably cowed, he backed down, his weak testicles shrinking back into his flabby body. I was a skinny nerd, not a fat one. Now, I am available in both nerd and bodybuilding circles.

I grinned at my hubris. Eh, I didn't really care. That little display was so that I wouldn't be called 'a CoD fag.' There is nothing worse for a professional, hardcore gamer to be called. Sure, it does have some hardcore merits, but I'd rather not play a game mainly populated by whining 12-year olds. It's a stereotype, but stereotypes exist for a reason. Like the 'fat nerd' stereotype, those existed.

The next two hours in the Convention entree were totally awesome. My muscles drew many eyes, many alright, most not interested and one or two downright repulsive. I'm not interested in people like that; I simply am the biggest badass ever. I entered a couple of video game competitions, whupping the asses of several competitive people who barely recognised me. Still, I was humble; I always have been. My brief moments of vanity over my muscular body were soon replaced with a 'meh' attitude that I felt suited everybody.

Soon, though, my eye was drawn to an interesting stall. I walked over to it, drawn by the strange gauntlets that hung there. These gauntlets were made of copper, and looked nothing like a part of a steampunk set, with their thickly armoured, spiked knuckles. Arcane runes in black covered the gauntlets. Overall, it was perfect for my costume. I approached the stall keeper, a tall, skinny guy who barely looked at me.
"How much for the gauntlets?" He rattled off a price, and I parted with my filthy lucre. I slipped them on immediately, enjoying the coolness of the metal. The metal felt like it was a second skin on my hands, and I felt a tingle, almost like electricity flow through me. I stared at the gauntlets again. The designs were so fascinating...

The world blacked out around me, and I felt myself falling forwards. I felt the ground falling, and I plummeted, through a hole, into the clouds. This was a bit much for my rational mind, and I started screaming in a masculine fashion, I think. The land beneath me was like some kind of fairy-tale. I fell, onwards and onwards, until a small part of my mind said, Enough. With that, I stopped screaming, and, out of some sort of last ditch masculinity, drew back my arm to punch. And, as the ground beneath me came up, I let fly.

Ponyville

Rainbow Dash looked up, at the screaming projectile flying through the air. She blinked. What the hay? then, she saw him draw back a fist, and... punched the ground before it landed. The ground exploded, cracking and fracturing, shaking houses and trees. The shockwaves of the attack dispelled the cloud that she lay on, and she quickly flew up on sky-blue wings. Rainbow Dash shook her head in bewilderment. "...What the hay?" It seemed to be the only response that came to mind.

That was fucking awesome! I punched the ground, and I somehow survived falling from a hundred feet in the air. I pushed myself up, coughing from the dust that my indomitable fist had kicked up. I then looked around. Apparently, I'd either travelled back in time or I'd gotten myself into a Rennaissance Festival town. Either way, I disliked it. "...What the hay?" It was a female voice, although it was kind of scratchy and masculine. I looked around for the speaker. I didn't see her, I just saw some... ponies?

Anthro horses, of every colour of the rainbow were crowding around me, whispering.
"Who is that?"
"I've never seen muscles like that apart from Big Macintosh."
"Where's his fur?" It built up, until I couldn't take it.

"ENOUGH!" I boomed, the shockwave of my shout pushing a couple of ponies back. This done, I quickly ran for it. I'm not good with crowds. My fellow man I could tolerate, but not a crowd of fucking anthropomorphic horse people!
"HEY THERE!" I roared in shock as a vision in pink suddenly appeared in front of me. I glared at her. She wore a short miniskirt that held onto some quite impressive bosoms. I didn't know her name, but her voice cut through my ears like a knife through butter.
"Kindly get out of my way." She ignored me.
"Hey! You're new here, ain't cha! I should know, as I know every pony here! OH! I should throw a 'Welcome to Ponyville Party for you! Hey, where do you-" She didn't finish that sentence, as with a mighty roar of pure rage, I socked her in the grinning face.

I HATE people like her. They're always so cheery. Usually, I'm not violent, but now, I was on the warpath.

She sailed off at about a million miles a second, smashing through a building. A voice in my head said, Magic Fist. Every single horse around looked at me in terror. I grinned. Now, with them suitably cowed before my muscles, I roared:
"I AM THE MUSCLE WIZARD, AND I WILL NOT TOLERATE THINGS LIKE THAT!"

Fist Cock

As I finished my yelling, the adrenalin flowing through me died down and I realised what I'd done. Jesus, I'd probably killed that pink lady. I stared at my fist awkwardly. My natural intellect came through and reminded me that I'd fucked up royally.
This is awkward. 'Sorry' will just not cut it. Alright; I'll try to be friendly. I waved a massive, gauntleted hand.
"Hello. Sorry about all that earlier, but you have to understand, I punched the ground and I WON." Somebody threw a rock at me. I caught it and crushed it to gravel in my meaty hands without really thinking as I continued. "I do apologise for punching the pink one through a building, but, well, she surprised me." No answer. I suppose that didn't really cut it.
"Again, I am so sorry. Hey, who wants to hear a joke?" Nobody moved. This was freaking me out a bit. "Why was six afraid of seven?" Why weren't they doing something?
"...because seven ate nine. That's one of the oldest jokes out there, people."

I looked out at my audience. "Tough crowd." This seemed to push a switch in their heads.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" I clapped my hands to my ears and tried to shut out the noise. "By the labours of Hercules, manliest of men, would you be quiet?" They only got louder as they ran around in terror. I sighed. Maybe I hadn't made the best first impression in the world, but at least it could be worse. I could have also become a pedophile by accident.

I moved through the screaming crowds, unconcerned with their rabbling. While I did feel sorry for the pink one, having just punched her through a wall, I was intent on finding out where the hell I was. Wherever I was, this wasn't some brony Equestria place, that was for sure. If this was some brony place, then they would have boasted about how big the boobs were here- seriously, this was like some sick teenage boy's porno, that he made when he first entered the furry fandom. I'm not a furry, but my friends are. That's the only reason why I was even able to identify that they were anthropomorphic horses in the first place. That, and the vaguely horse-like heads and the hooves, of course, but that's just details.

Suddenly, I just stopped, and I glared at the building in front of me.
"What." It made no sense, like everything else around here.
It was a tree. A fucking tree. I glared at it. How? Why? What? The questions flew through my mind at high speeds. There was a sign with a book overhead, proclaiming it to either be a library or a bookstore. Either way, I head over.

I punch the door in with a simple poink. Wow, I have got to stop doing that kind of stuff. The dull brown mare with grey hair doesn't seem to have noticed. I quietly cough. She looks up, then sees my impressive physique. I cough again.
"I need books on magic." She faints. I shrug, then get to stealing books. She probably won't need them. I grab one, then another. Then another...

Later, I walk out, carrying my entire bodyweight in books. The townsponies outside seem to have a mob. I grin.
"And just WHERE do you think you're goin', cowcolt?" I glare at the hick. She would be kind of nice, but her fur's too orange, even for the mad spray-tanners of my high school. Her green eyes are blazing with indignation, and her workboots and grimy blue overalls make her look like she actually has a job in the country. She's got a noticeably more toned figure than most of the ponies here. They're all soft and lumpy, but this mare... this one I respect more than the others. However, should she want my complete and utter respect, then she's going to need to go on a huge quest and prove her muscles. I decide, somehow, to be diplomatic one last time. After all, I am the one who fell from the sky and punched the ground, then punched the annoying pink one in her annoying face.
"If you don't mind, what happened today was an unfortunate accident. I do not wish to fight, but-" They freaking mobbed me. I retaliated with punching the ground, my hugeness creating a crater of concentrated muscular might. I then flee into the forest, putting my six months of intensive cardio work to good use.

When I was a safe distance away, I could now logically analyse my powers through intensive deduction. Alright... I entered my mind-palace. Let's see... I'm apparently a Muscle Wizard now. The populace has turned against me due to the Pink One (God I still hate her, even after I almost killed her,) and I now seem to have superhuman strength. I glance at my gauntlets. Could they be the source of my Muscle Wizardry, or were they only a channel for the power that was inside my muscular, magical might? Whatever the case, now was the time for research.

My trudging through the forest has resulted in nothing. I can't even find a suitable home. A gigantic manticore, of all things, tries to attack me, and I have to drop my books to avoid its stinger tail. Angry, I grip its mane and headbutt it into Oblivion. Then, I continue on my way. Eventually, I see something that makes me just plain stop and stare. It's so perfect!

An old, derelict castle. Give me a bit of time to renovate, and it'll be good as new! I scamper onwards, books back in hand. Now that I look at it, I can see that it is a real fixer-upper. I grinned. Time to see what spells I had.

After much perusal of my mind-palace, I determined that I had three spells- Magic Fist, Summon Weight, and Flex. I flexed, and was rewarded with a feeling of arcane power flowing through my nipples. So my power was generated through my muscles, and directed by my mind. Time for some intensive level grinding and spell research. I pulled out the first of my magic books, How to do magic for Dummies, and settled down to read. But first, I decided to do some exercises. I used my third spell, gripping a twig.
"Summon Weight." My twig shimmered, then turned into an extremely heavy dumbbell. I now settled back, doing some bicep curls while reading. I remember a saying: Given enough time, any man can become master of his own body. With enough knowledge, any man can become wise. It is a true warrior who can master both. Command and Conquer: Red Alert was a great game.

Falcon... PAWNCH!

Two years after the arrival of the Muscle Wizard...

I grinned at my work. It had taken me two years of hard work and flexing, but I had turned this old, decrepit castle into a fortress perfect for my unique magic.

It was now a combination of a library and a gym. Two years of hard work and general manliness had resulted in my growing in arcane power. I flexed my arms, now noodles. One of the spells that I'd had to invent was 'Muscle Compression;' I invented it mainly because I had reached a level of hugeness that made it difficult to eat. Just as it seemed as if I would have to levitate food into my mouth like a pussy, I came upon a spell that shrunk things down. After tweaking the spell a bit to simply compress my muscles permanently, keeping their strength and reducing size, I could make myself look like a total weakling.

Although, my arms weren't really noodles. They were lined with taut muscle, and I had a well-defined six-pack. While my muscles were so small, I couldn't wear my favourite robe. So, I'd raided the town and came away with a lot of yellow fabric. I used it with my magic to make a jumpsuit, with a black stripe. I now felt like Bruce Lee. I perused the nearest book, a history book. Something appeared which made me frown.
"What's this? Nightmare Moon..." I gripped my pipe, summoned from Summon Manly Item (I had about a dozen porn booklets, a steak, and a bear-crocodile-gorilla, which I'd killed in a brutal fistfight) and puffed it, forming a cloud of smoke that resembled a flexing, muscular arm. "Hmm... A thousand years will she be imprisoned... I'd say, given these history books, that the thousand years are up." I grinned; it was time to demonstrate the power of Muscle Magic.

Ponyville

Twilight looked at the orange mare with green eyes. She seemed to have a lot of muscles, although not as many as the positively gargantuan red stallion, who seemed to be built like a house.
"So this, ah, 'Muscle Wizard,' just came through and made all these craters?" The mare grunted, lifting the weight that she seemed to carry with her all the time..
"Yep. Sent Pinkie Pie through the wall; she got out in a couple of hours. Pinkie Pie's skull is thicker than rock. Crazy girl." She shook her head with a smlgith grin on her face, even as she lifted a barbell that probably weighed as much as her whole body. Twilight stared at it and her muscles with a reserved, kind of weirded out expression.
"Um, why are you lifting that thing all the time?" Applejack grinned.
"Land sakes, miss Twi, you're askin' a lot of questions. I'm doin' it in order to prove that ah can beat that darn Muscle Wizard. He gave me this as well." She tossed a book at Twilight, who eagerly grabbed it. "Somethin' about me bein' his 'rival in muscles,' or summat. Big Mac's got one as well." The huge red stallion nodded, from his position of bench pressing two cows.
"Eeyup." Twilight nodded.
"Right! It seems as if you've got it all under control, so I'll see you later." Applejack frowned.
"Whoa, hang on there, sugarcube. Y'all leavin' without havin' a lunch?"

"Bwuh. I ate too much pie." Twilight panted, groaning about indigestion. Then, she hastily rolled out of the way of a huge barbell falling from the sky. Spike glared at the sky.
"Hey, watch it! You could've hurt somepony with that!" A sky blue mare flew down, picking it up in a hand.
"Heh, sorry. I was borrowing Bulk Bicep's equipment- poor pegasus' still in hospital, after the Muscle Wizard got him." Twilight's mane sprung out of place slightly at the mention of 'Muscle Wizard.'
"Okay, who is this Muscle Wizard, exactly? I mean, I know a little bit, but not all that much." The mare looked at her strangely.
"Yeah, he showed up like six months ago. Bulk tried to challenge him, but one look and he was sent flying! Then, he glared around, and said: "I hate pill-poppers. GAIN HUGENESS HONESTLY!" Twilight and Spike were bowled back by the sudden increase in volume. The mare rubbed her head awkwardly.
"The name's Rainbow Dash." Twilight raised her head.
"Ah, you're Rainbow Dash."

Ponyville town hall, in the Evening.

"...presenting, PRINCESS CELESTIA!" Instead of Celestia, it was revealed to be...
"YOU!"
The huge figure grinned, waving a hand. Twilight noticed that it had muscles that were giant. She glared at him.
"HELLO, PONYVILLE!" His voice boomed across the meeting hall. He then quietened down, looking at Twilight.
"I have not done anything to your Princess; I just got here. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT! I'm here to make all you puny magic users... HUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGEEEEEEE! HURHGLABLARGLEBLAH!" He raised his hands in supplication, sinking to his knees, bellowing random syllables. Suddenly, he sprang to his feet again.
"You unicorns are SOFT, like uncooked bread! I will teach you... TO BE HUGE!" With that, he flexed, and Twilight noticed that magic was building up around him.

"THE NIGHT SHALL LAST FOREVER!!!!" Applejack turned around. Standing there was the dreadful Nightmare Moon!" She lunged forwards, landing a punch on the goddess. Unfortunately, it passed right through her, the goddess moving over to the Muscle Wizard.
"Ah, hello. What manner of being are you?" He shrugged.
"NIGHTMARE MOON! DO YOU DARE TO CHALLENGE THE MUSCLE WIZARD?!" Nightmare blinked.
"What." He flexed his muscles again.
"FALCON PUNCH!" This earned a blink.
"Falcon wha-" Suddenly, the Muscle Wizard zoomed forwards, gauntleted fist alight with fire. The fist connected, and Nightmare Moon was knocked through the building. He then turned to Applejack and grinned, his moustache finely oiled and gleaming.
"Applejack, my rival! Shall I fight with you later?"
"NNOW HANG ON-" He grinned and ran through the hole in the wall, after the goddess.Applejack stared at Twilight.
"...Well, that happened." Twilight's mane has now completely disshevelled. She turned.
"Hang on girls, to the library!"

Falcon KICK?!

I rocketed after her, and decided to speed up the process a bit.
"Falcon KICK!"
My foot burst alight with magical fire and I shot forwards like a flaming cannon ball of sheer awesomeness. I eventually found my target, who was getting back up from the house that she'd been knocked into.
"A most impressive punch, wizard. But it takes more than that to harm the royal countenance."

I hmphed. She was a lot more durable then I'd given her credit for. She grinned. "I could use a being of your incredible physical strength-"

"Warlock... PUNCH!"

I gathered the dark energies of Ganondorf's rip-off attack, and let fly. Unfortunately, she dodged, and sent me flying with an uppercut. Grimacing, I focused magical energy into my rock-hard abs. I felt like I was flying with a difficult self-levitation spell. Then, I saw her take to the skies with me, flying on black wings that caused small thunderclaps. Huh, so they aren't JUST for show, are they?

"TAKE THIS!" Suddenly, she'd developed muscles. Oh boy. I brought my fists up, and we erupted into a blur of punches and blocks. The sound of our fight was eerily like the sputter of a machinegun of stupidity. Fist met forearm and forearm met fist. I needed an opening for my most powerful spell, and I found it. I grabbed an overextended haymaker, and threw her to the ground, attempting to remove her breastplate in the process. Unfortunately, it didn't work- it was apparently bolted to her skin or something. Still, I'd gotten the opening I wanted. I then focused.

After a LOT of training, I'd finally discovered how to undo the fundamental limits of the human brain. I called the spell 'Self-Improvement-' for obvious reasons, I refused to call it the Eight Gates. Even if it was kind of like that. Only problem was, it caused a mountain of stress and strain on my muscles and bones, practically cracking them. I almost died when I'd practised it.

This was going to be a big one. I grunted, my skin darkening as more and more blood pumped through my body. My eyes whited out with pure magical power, and I roared as the pain started coursing through my body. I then unleashed-
A punch.

But this was no normal punch- rather, this was the culmination of six months of hard work to invent. This was using all the magic I had to compress all of my ethreal might into pure, physical strength, and releasing it into the air. With that in mind, my punch caused a huge shockwave, in the shape of a tiger.

Nightmare Moon looked up wearily at the huge shockwave. She groaned, turning into her Pure Night form. No pure physical or magical attack could affect her in such a state, and this seemed to be a very crude basic projectile. Then, it compressed. She felt mildly curious about it, but then remembered that such an attack was unlikely to work.

"NOW!" I roared, pouring my heart and soul into it, "BURST FORTH, MY MUSCLES! AFTERNOON TIGER!!!!!!!!!"

With that, the huge tiger exploded in an immense release of air pressure, devastating the surrounding area. The resulting crater was at least twenty foot wide and the same measure deep. I dispelled my self-improvement spell, collapsing on the ground. "Oh God, that hurt like a bitch..."

Suddenly, I was blind-sided by the Nightmare. She was limping, and some of her armour clasps were looking a bit worse for wear, but other than that and a lot of scratches, she was fine. "WRETCH?! THOU DAREST TO STRIKE AT OUR PERSON?! KNOW YOUR PLACE!"

With that, she kicked me across town, into a gym. I picked myself up, spitting out a gobbet of blood. Wait, blood? Damn, I was getting completely trashed. Still, I WAS going up against a goddess, so there was that. Still, if I was in a gym... I smirked as I felt power flood into me. "Was that supposed to kill me? Because..." I forced myself to stand, every joint creaking, "I ain't done yet!"

Nightmare Moon looked at me disdainfully. "So, the brute still stands. Well, thy resolve is impressive, but unfortunately, thy wits are lacking if thou thinks that thou can beat me."

I grinned. "That's where you're wrong... I don't think that I can beat you, I KNOW I can beat you. There's a distinct difference, Princess." With that, she rushed in, but I blocked her. After that, I gripped her arm in a simple Chinese Burn.

"WHAT?!"
I grinned, fist surrounded by black magic. "Thanks for getting in range. WARLOCK..." I brought my fist back, gripping onto her outstretched arm. "PAWNCH?!" I let fly. It hit her in the solar plexus, causing all the wind in her lungs to go out and for her eyes to bulge. She rested on my fist for about a second, then the sheer, magical force of the attack came about.

The end result was seeing a dark alicorn of the night flying away at over a hundred miles an hour. I watched her depart with a cocky grin, then got to focusing what little magic I had left to retreating to my gym. Well, more like limped. Magic was reinforcing and helping me move easier, but I was in no state to even consider fighting anything else.

"Halt!"

Oh, dear sweet god.

I turned around. I vaguely recognised the purple one. Now, where had I met this mare before? Oh, yes, I'd met her in that hall. I snorted derisively at her noodle arms and untoned body. "What do you want? Can't you see that I'm limping?" Behind her was ohgodit'sthepinkone.

She seemed pretty pissed off with me. I couldn't blame the pink one. I HAD punched her through a building. "Uh, hey." She's still staring at me. I cleared my throat. "Listen, if it helps, I'm sorry about punching you into another building."

Still no response. The orange earth pony mare steps up. "What happened to you?"

I raised an eyebrow. "What's it look like? I fought a goddess, and I got trashed for my troubles. Sent her flying towards my..." My eyes suddenly widen.

THe purple unicorn looks at me. "Flying towards where?"

"Towards my gym in the forest."

Side-Chapter: Fisting the Universe

One month before the arrival of Nightmare Moon

It was ready. The result of many, many months of stealing books, writing new books from what I plundered, all of that... all of my discoveries had led up to this simple formula. It was time to test out my theory, but before I could do that, I had to record what happened here for posterity's sake.

I dipped my quill pen in ink (I seriously miss ballpoints, or at least a fountain pen) and I began to write, in my neatest flowing script.

Concerning travel between universes.

I do admit, I am not of this world of candy-coloured equine beings, and I do not believe that they are of mine own world either. No, I do believe that my rather destructive entry into this world was to prove, or disprove, a fundamental theory of our universe:
The Multiverse Theory.
My existence here proves the fact that art could, in some way, initiate life- in other words, whatever work of fiction has ever been published, it has resulted in another universe being created to house it.

The question is, did somebody create this universe, or did they merely interpret a dream or a cretive idea inspired by this universe? That is a question that I am unable to answer. Sometimes, I feel as if this entire world is a work of fiction, and I am but a character dancing on strings for some malevolent author. Tis not outside the realm of possibility.

But this brings me to an important question: why this universe in particular? Why not one of the other, myriad fictional universes that MUST exist, if I am within this one? I do not know, but I must say this:

There is a way to travel between the universes. My own being here proves that. The question I asked myself was thus: how does one travel between these universes? Does one simply wish upon a star? Is it just chance and fate playing dice with the lives of mortals? I spit on these concepts. As a man of magic, I know that chance and fate, wily as they are, cannot directly interfere.

It took me far too long to figure out how I travelled between the planes of fiction and Earth: my gloves. Thus, I propose a theory that may shock many conventional physicists back on Earth. If they could read this, they'd call me mad, or at least stupid. I am neither of these things.

Worlds need a link for travel to occur. For that to happen, there must be a way to return to your own universe, and a way to keep staying there. Thus, I propose that there is a totem, or artifact, that enables one to travel between worlds. As befitting the multiverse theory, such a totem shall remain the same for anybody who wants it, and must maintain its shape. In other words, for it to work, its nature must remain constant. But this relic must rely on an outside force to pull one there, no?

I believe that my own artifacts, the gloves that granted me the power of my muscles, are one-way artifacts- in other words, unless I can find an artifact from my Earth, I can never leave this place. Still, I wish to see if my theory is correct, and I shall write in here whether or not my experiment was successful or not.

I set my quill aside, and picked up my home-made totem.

A dumbbell. I turned it over, ensuring that the arcane lettering was there, then I gathered my power. My muscles glowed a dark blue as I felt the very fabric of reality in my almost completed library-gym start to tear. I lifted my totem up in a mighty hand, and in a deep, echoing voice I spoke.
"I am the Muscle Wizard, Hugest of Huge! Those who pick up my dumbbell must seek the path to perfect hugeness! Summon me if you want to be able to perform glutes for the sloots!" I threw the dumbbell into the portal, and it functioned exactly as I thought it would: the portal to other worlds closed, and just before it closed, I saw that my totem 'split' into multiple images. I grinned. Just as planned.

I sat back down on the simple bench, chose a new quill, and continued.
My experiment has worked. The totem- a dumbbell- has split into many copies across the multiverse. Any being that finds my totem shall be able to summon me. Of course, I will be able to return to my own universe, and I shall not be going there exactly- rather, it shall be utilising the very magic in that world to make a 'phantom' of myself, so that I may be able to explore any worlds without fearing death or imprisonment overly.

Author's Note

Muscle Wizard is up for a crossover if anybody wants him!

This is my swamp

I staggered through the Everfree Forest, only my considerable injuries keeping my speed to a manageable level. I leaned against a tree, panting as small drips of blood seeped through my bandages. This was a lot harder than it seemed in just about any shonen anime and manga. Or in video games, come to think of it. Beside me, Twilight (thankfully she'd introduced herself) looked at me with concern. "Are you alright?"
I nodded. "Just... peachy. Just help me get to my gym and shit. Was a castle, now it's a library and gym."

Twilight looked at me with a weird look. "Riiight. Anyway, how long will it take?"
I shrugged. "Not long. I want a rematch with that alicorn. Got a couple of injuries I want to repay, gentleman like." That was a total lie; in spite of my impressive durability, I was nowhere near ready enough to deal with the alicorn of the night. Maybe if I had the Elements of Harmony, that would readdress the power balance. Speaking of...

"Hey, Twilight. You look like somebody who reads more than they exercise. Know about the Elements of Harmony?" She beamed and nodded. "Yes! I found a book on that in the library. Pretty crazy coincidence, huh?" I raised a thick eyebrow.
"In magic, there is no such thing as a coincidence. Somebody might have wanted you to read that book." She put a hand on her chin, thinking about what I said. Nice to have somebody to talk to after two years in the forest.

Eventually, we were standing on the edge of the Everfree Forest. I struck a manly pose. "Let us go forth, to meet our DESTINIES!" The others weren't as enthusiastic as I was. The yellow one didn't seem that nervous, which was a pleasant surprise- looking at her, I was half-expecting her to faint when she saw me. The fashionista and that rainbow-haired one who I originally espied looking at me seemed a bit nervous. Pinkie was watching me with a mixture of caution and smiling (smiling must be her default mode of existence.) And Applejack wasn't even afraid. I knew that I'd made the right choice in rivals! All good shonen protagonists have a rival, with whom they share an almost sexual relationship, and then the rival disappears at the behest of a pedophile who only wants you for your body and... wow, my train of thought is more than a bit weird.

I strode through the dark forest like I owned the place, which might as well have been true. Truly, there was nothing bad enough in the entire forest to take me on, even when I was injured-
The ground beneath us collapsed, sending a couple of us flying. I simply gripped the earth so tightly that it started to tear. Behind me, I heard Applejack spouting some nonsense about trust to Twilight, and it seemed to work. I waited until I could see the pegasi, then focused what little remained of my magical might and floated down like a butterfly. Twilight immediately ran up to me.
"How did you do that?" I simple smiled, pulling out a copy of my book.
"Follow the exercises in this book for about five months, then you'll be able to replicate that feat."

After that little escapade, we continued through the forest unmolested. When the manticore attacked, my sole regret was that I was too wounded to engage in combat. Though my injuries were bad, the bandages, as was the logic, were healing me at a ridiculous rate, or so I tried to convince Twilight and co.
"No, bandages do not heal everything."
"They totally do. Look." I tore my bandages off, revealing, against all odds, that I had now recuperated from my injuries. I laughed at Twilight's gobsmacked expression.
"I...whuh...buh...how?" I turned to the relevant page in my book and continued walking.

Suddenly, each and every single tree was ridiculously scary. I will admit, my heart almost stopped. I looked at the mares, who were too scared to go further. Suddenly, Pinkie burst into song, casting me a nervous look then continuing with the singing. "When I was a little filly and the sun was going down..."
I tuned her out pretty much immediately and looked at Twilight, who seemed to be the sanest of our little group.
"Tell me she's not." Twilight looked on as Pinkie kept singing about giggling at ghosts.
"I do believe she is."

After an experience that I would rather gargle razor blades than remember, we came across a raging river. I sighed.
"Alright, pegasi can carry us over one by one. That is a good plan."
Twilight objected. "No! We should find a way to cross all at once."
I stared at her for a good minute. "What's wrong with having the pegasi carry us across? Or, better yet, why don;t the unicorns levitate us across?"
Twilight glared at me. "It's the principle of the thing."
I facepalmed. "...so abandoning cold logic and reason for your 'reasons,' and I use the term advisedly, strikes you as a good idea?"
It was then that a metrosexual river serpent appeared out of fucking nowhere.
"Sweet Jesus and Muhammed!" I scrambled backwards, fist being surrounded by fuckfire as I prepared to send this abomination of nature to a watery grave.

After a nice bit of negotiation on Marshmallow's part, we were now on the other side of the river. I was perpetually on guard, and so it was that I was able to rescue Twilight from a humiliating end, falling into the chasm. I looked up at my newly restored gym castle. It shone proudly in the light.
"Mares, welcome to Everfree Gym." They looked at me. Rainbow hair was the first one to speak.
"...so you turned the castle of the Pony Sisters into a gym." I simply nodded. Next to me, Twillight was having a bit of a fit.
"Do you know how much history could have been lost with that?"
"No less than usually happens. Now, let us charge. I get the feeling that something bad's going to-"

I was cut off when I heard somebody scream.
"-Happen." I was already zooming in. Bursting in, I could see Nightmare Moon, pinned beneath one of my weights. I looked at the weight of it and quickly gripped it, hauling it off of her without much effort. She looked at me and her eyes widened for a bit.
"Trying to lift without a spotter, eh? I might not have one myself, but here's my personal saying." An aura of magical fire surrounded me.
"Do as I say, not as I do."

Nightmare Moon sneered at me, her muscles, if anything, even bigger now. "Please, Muscle Wizard. You barely bested me before, and with a cheap trick at that. What are you going to-"
I cut her off with a Warlock Punch to the face. Villainous monologues are all well and good, but when the other guy is right in your face, then you're going to have a bad time should he decide to sucker punch you. With the immediate threat over, I turned to my companions.
"Well, I think you should find the Elements. There's a bit of the castle that I left alone. Seemed to be something up there, I'd go check it out if I was you." They all left, even the Rainbow haired one, though she looked at me. I quirked an eyebrow.
"Why hang back a bit?"
"It's because I don't really trust you. Besides, somebody has to be loyal, don't they?" I waved her off and got to imprisoning an alicorn.

First of all, I gripped some steel bars, and bent them around her arms, holding them in place. Then, a smaller weight around her horn, to stop her doing much magic. Finally, I restrained her wings. With nothing else to do, I sat down next to her, watching her to ensure no escape. I looked at her as she woke up. As she struggled to get free, I leaned in and whispered to her.
"This is my swamp." I then kept watching her efforts to break free.