Once upon a time in a magical land of Equestria when Princess Celestia's anniversary was coming up. So eventually she decided to entrust the cooking of cake for her birthday to the super-duper baker pony, Pinkie Pie. The only condition she set was no candles on the cake.
So Pinkie cooked all night, and in the morning the cake was ready. But after that she said, “Even though the Princess said so, a birthday cake is not a proper cake without candles. But how old is she and do I have enough candles? Oh, I should just go buy some, and on my way there I'll go to the library and ask Twilight about Celestia's age.”
So, humming some happy tune, she came out of bakery. Little did she knew that the cake she baked was so super-duper fantastic, that it became conscious.
“Oh, age is a sore point of any old mare,” it thought. “If Princess will find out that Pinkie put so much candles on me, it would be horrible! Celestia will send her to the Moon, or back to the rock farm, or even worse — to the rock farm on the Moon! I must get to Celestia immediately, but how?”
Then, after some more thinking and meditation, the cake reached satori. Now it mastered telepathy, telekinesis, and most importantly, levitation. Unfortunately, long-distance teleportation was still beyond its abilities, so the cake started to levitate slowly out of the Sugarcube Corner bakery towards the Canterlot.
* * *
But such a journey can't pass without some encounters, so as soon as it levitated out of the door, the cake almost bumped into a certain cross-eyed mare.
“Whoa!” Derpy recoiled. “What is this thing?”
“I'm cake,” the cake replied telepathically. “Oh, and I can see that you came here for muffins, aren't you?”
“Yes,” the gray mare replied, “but how do you know that?”
“I can read your mind, Derpy,” the cake explained. ”Unfortunately you'll have to wait because Mr. and Mrs. Cake are still sleeping, and Pinkie Pie is out now.”
“Oh, it's not a problem. But are you sure you're a cake, not an unusual strange giant muffin, sir?” she tilted her head.
“Nope. I'm 100% sure that I'm cake,” it replied warily. “Farewell, ma'am”.
And the cake flew away.
“I should be more careful,” the cake thought, levitating. “Maybe I should use some disguise...”
So deep were its thoughts, that it hadn't noticed the orange pony wearing stetson, until she gasped, “Whoa nelly! Flying cake! Is this some Discord's trick again?”
“Listen,” the cake sighed telepathically, “I don't know who the hay you're talking about, but the one who baked me was Pinkie Pie.”
“Oh,” sad Applejack with relief, “that explains everything, I reckon'. Then good day to ya, sir.”
And the cake resumed its journey. But its solitude was soon interrupted by a rainbow-maned pegasus. She flew around the cake a couple of times, curiously looking at it.
“Hey,” she said then. “I see you're a pretty good flyer for a cake. Do you want to race with me?”
“Thanks, but no thanks,” cake replied, trying not to show its irritation.
“Fine, suit yourself, slowpoke,” Rainbow Dash replied. “But you just missed the opportunity to race with the best flyer in all Equestria.” And then she flew away.
“And I'm the only — and therefore the best — flying cake in all Equestria, so what?” the cake thought, and then proceeded with its quest.
* * *
After some flying even the enlightened cake became a bit tired, so it landed on a park bench at the edge of the town. But even its rest was interrupted.
“Oh, what a horror!” a white unicorn mare gasped, looking at the cake. ”How can such an elegant pastry sit on such a dirty bench! Hmph!”
“Darnit!” the cake wanted to shout at her. “Your hooves are more dirty than this bench, that was purified by aura of my enlightenment!” But it restrained itself until Rarity had gone away. Only then the cake took off.
It made a detour to avoid three fillies. All the crazy ideas that cake saw in their minds were cause good enough to not to approach them. The cake surely didn't want to give them some more ideas, like 'Cutie Mark Crusaders Flying Cake Eaters'.
“The more citizens I see the more I think that everypony in this town is crazy!” it thought.
“Eep!” Some yellow pegasus mare with pink mane quickly flew away from the cake's path and into her house.
“Well, maybe except for this one,” it thought. “I mean, flying cake should be pretty creepy for anypony.”
“Fluttershy!” The cake heard somepony's voice. “What happened? Why are you screaming?”
A lavender alicorn appeared from said shack. When she saw the flying cake her eyes went wide.
“Wha— But how? It's impossible!” she gasped. “Unless... It's the cake Pinkie told me about! But if it is here, then she lose it! And it means that we must catch it!”
“Gosh darn it to hay...” the cake thought, speeding away to the Canterlot.
Twilight, with Fluttershy in tow, took off after it. In some distance behind them the cake could see Applejack and Rainbow Dash — the fastest runner and fastest flyer in Ponyville respectively — quickly catching up, and Pinkie Pie, who was not so fast now because she was loaded with Rarity and lots and lots of candles.
“Darn it, I must get to the Princess Celestia before them!” the cake thought, cursing through all the way to the Canterlot. This, apparently, led to its mental degradation, so the moment it got to the table it became usual — though still super-duper — cake again.
* * *
“And then we came here, so that's the story,” Pinkie Pie finished her speech. “Oh, and looks like I lost all the candles on the way here, but Twilight refused to tell me your exact age, so I'll just wish you happy birthday, Princess Celestia. Cheers!”
“Well, that was the strangest toast to me I've ever heard,” uttered Princess Celestia in the silence, interrupted only by Pinkie gulping down her punch.
