18
I trotted out the door, wandering aimlessly around Ponyville. It seemed that every single place I passed had a memory of us – Sweet Apple Acres, where my fail-safe spell failed and you gave me your umbrella, where we had lined up for apple cider together. Sugarcube corner, where we had spent countless afternoons chatting and snacking on Pinkie’s cupcakes. The spa, where we had relaxed after a long day; sometimes I met you and Fluttershy by coincidence, sometimes we had planned to go together.
It was as if the ghosts of the past were mocking me every corner I turned. There on the bench, you had cuddled me and comforted me when I had told you about my troubles. We had walked down that street when we went to try out a new restaurant together. I don’t know how I managed to hide my feelings so well, how I could act as if I only thought of you as a friend. I guess it was too sudden, when I told you. I don’t know. I failed. And now we’re still friends. Just friends. At least nothing worse happened, but I still feel so empty. Maybe I’ll try again, maybe not. I just hope…
17
Why you? I combed through every single fragment of my mind for the answer, but only succeeded in creating disarray. Was it some celestial force? A chemical reaction? Maybe it was something even simpler. I don’t know how it was. It just had to be, or the world around me should be pulled away from my touch, my life distorted into a screaming chaos.
The first time we met, there were the signs, but I could not interpret them yet. There was the faint nudge of something growing, but as we came to know each other better… We had walked all of Ponyville together. We had walked Equestria together. But in the end, nothing had mattered, only brought about my utter defeat.
It was as if I had a string of yarn tied to my hoof, dragging it along every step I had taken with you. But now the ball of yarn had run out. I couldn’t go further, unless I cut the string from my hoof. But doing so would mean severing our link; the link that made you different.
16
I lay in the grass, reading a book. But the words seemed to be just slipping away, since my heart and mind were somewhere else. The gentle breeze was soothing, the air was fresh. It was a sunny day, but I still felt a chill. If only you were beside me!
Would you love me… if I were a handsome stallion? Urgh, my thoughts are getting poisonous.
I feel like a coward, writing this down. I should throw these useless scraps of parchment into a fire. But a tiny part of me also hopes that the ashes will drift to your hooves. Maybe. The future I had carefully mapped out didn’t seem so unattainable then – maybe I was a bit too full of myself, but still, from every angle I analyzed: not unfeasible.
I guess I thought I fitted everything you would want, yes – except for one minor thing. I don’t dare ask. But I think it should be that. It’s something I was born with; something I can’t change. I’m not even sure if that is one of your requirements. You certainly act as if you could like mares… sometimes. Or maybe my world just twists around you to make me believe that.
15
Today, we sat in the room I first fell in love with you. And then we both acted like I had never said those three words to you.
“Would you like a cup of tea, Twilight?” Oh, to hear your voice was enough, you wouldn’t know that those simple sentences could ring in my ears for weeks…
So I’ll keep up the charade for now: Yes, I don’t love you that way. Yes, we’re great friends. And I’m not making a pass at you every time I ask if you want to hang out, but you seem to think so - I’ve noticed you’ve been refusing quite often ever since that night I had so timidly admitted my feelings to you. I had planned that moment for so long! But in the end all I got in response: “Sometimes I felt… you were a bit… overwhelming.”
And then you refused to speak any more on the subject. Great, at least I can thank you for not using the word ‘annoying’.
14
We went out again today with Fluttershy, when before you would have been perfectly fine with just the two of us. You just had to insist we also invite her! Did you think I was going to eat you up?
To say that I didn’t feel anything would be a lie, although with you around I could only pretend otherwise. You are so beautiful. But I see now that you would never want me. I don’t think I’m perfect, but I do think I am a pretty good choice… Huh, listen to that - I make myself facehoof.
Recently you’ve been so touchy when I compliment you or just ask if you’re alright. I get hurt, sometimes even a bit irritated. But when I recall the situation, I can only remember your voice, your face, your hooves, your eyes.
13
I wanted to flail and rage on my bed, but Spike would hear. I couldn’t let him know about this. I bit on my blanket, straining not to whimper when the tears started flowing. Another night of insomnia...
12
I went to Canterlot to visit my parents and the princesses. And I saw you everywhere. You were everywhere. I would see a hat, and I would think of one of your hats. It’s funny how I can remember every single hat I’ve seen you wear. I passed a café, and I would immediately see somepony drinking rose petal tea – your favorite. I’m probably going crazy. And one last thing: why are all the mares in Canterlot so unattractive? And they dress up even more than you do.
I think the princesses noticed that there was something on my mind, but I hid it well. Well enough for them not to inquire, but they noticed. But then, I couldn’t talk about it even if they asked.
11
‘Les mots d’amour’ – A song you love; now I secretly listen to it every day. You would play it when you were sewing, and I would just sit there and listen. And watch you. Whenever I hear the song, I see you smoothing out the fabric, floating over some sequins and measuring tapes, and so delicately, pouring your heart into them.
Every single thread, every single stitch… I should have my heart broken with every movement you make. Sometimes I wish I were a bolt of fabric so you would look at me that way.
10
I think I’ll go take a walk in the Everfree, all by myself. I’m skilled enough with magic that I don’t think anything really bad could happen... But if it does, I just hope you’ll think of me and remember, and maybe be sad. I’ll be as careful as I can, of course. Cruel Fate has ripped my heart apart, anyway. I can take whatever else it wants to throw my way.
9
This is getting ironic. In the Everfree, the only thing I can think about is still you, obviously – since we have been here together before. And on the first day we met, too! How could I ever forget that? Most of the ponies I knew in Canterlot… I hardly even remember how I met them, now that’s funny, ha ha ha.
Generosity, I guess, doesn’t cover matters of romance – but again, being with somepony isn’t like distributing charity. I’m glad if you’re happy with your choice… I’m sorry for forcing it on you. But I just had to try! If I hadn’t tried I wouldn’t have known whether or not you would accept me that way.
Urgh, every explanation has a loophole! No risk, no gain: it’s the same with everything in life. It was a bit stupid of me to get stuck in my emotions… But I guess it’s learning; learning about love. But I’m not sure if I want to learn anymore, if every lesson can bring me to my knees, sobbing, broken.
8
I decided to go to the princesses again. I’ll tell them about this, as the pain seems to be easing. I’m no longer afraid of letting them know, I have come to accept that my attraction to you is as much a part of me as my magic, or my hooves, or my horn. So I’ll take this first step. I love you, perhaps too much. I have to save myself from this yawning pit if I ever want to continue on – With you? Without you? – It’s obvious which one I want, but I don’t think it’ll ever happen, now.
“I um, I… am in…” I forgot how many times I paused while speaking that single, simple, short sentence. “…But she doesn't love me back like that.”
The princesses smiled, nodded understandingly. Then they put their hooves and wings around me, and talked about something. It was going to be okay… I could try again… The conversation meant something at the time, but now that I’m back in Ponyville, mindlessly scribbling these thoughts down… it’s a blank. My mind is filled with you, and any other thoughts are wiped away.
7
“Good morning, Rarity.”
“Good morning, Twilight.”
How mechanic! How routine and cold and indifferent, and on my part as well as yours! I am so afraid if I tried to express anything more, you might ruthlessly cut me out of your life. It’s been such a long time since you’ve cuddled me – oh, of course you haven’t ever since your… rejection. Oh, great, I can even use that word now without ripping this parchment.
6
Six. Six points on the pink star in my cutie mark. You had always said you love the color; goes perfectly with the highlight in my mane.
5
I have started to wander around outside more frequently, often taking unnecessary detours, most of them taking me near your Boutique. Does this count as stalking? And once I am nearby I loiter around, when normally I would have been rushing back to the library to continue my research. My work doesn’t seem that important now – if chances of seeing you could increase by just a fraction, the time spent seems insignificant in comparison.
I’ve been hiding this sorrow inside for so long, it has almost turned to ice. Now I don’t get those happy butterfly feelings when you smile at me, or touch me, as frequently. I’m afraid I’m turning numb. But sometimes, to see you beam so dazzlingly… it stills smashes into me, breaking the ice for a while. Then, it begins to freeze again.
4
Forgive, forget, walk out, move on. It’s something I read in a book; it seems like such a long time ago. But why are those words resurfacing now? I realized that the past year has really made me so emotional, and so sentimental. If I want to achieve anything, I think I should find the old me. The calm, collected, scientific, analyzing, calculating me. So is this the first lesson I have learned of love? That everything eventually returns to square one?
3
Three. Three perfect diamonds. I once had a silly notion that, since six times three equals eighteen, eighteen should be a special number. How juvenile.
I like to use the symbols r and t in my mathematical equations now. Or any letter that is in your name. Creepy, I say to myself. But it gives a little bit of consolation, if only a little.
2
I’ll try again, once. Just once. And if nothing has changed… I should try to move on. It’s funny, how thinking of this brings back the feeling of last year, a bit eager, a bit excited, thinking I was about to have my first marefriend, and she would be the most beautiful marefriend I could ever hope to have.
But then, it would depend on chance. My carefully planned out scenarios could unravel with a single wrong move, or a single misspoken word. I wouldn’t want to turn the situation against myself, and break that thread of friendship between us that had already been worn so thin.
Stupid, my heart said, no need for planning, just do it! Just get her alone! And say it!
1
It was so very hard, keeping a poker face. Fluttershy was sitting with us at a table for three; all I would need was for her to go to the restroom, perhaps, and I’d just blurt my heart out. Again. The second time. And I’m not going to believe ‘third time’s the charm’, if it turned out a disaster again, I will abort the mission. Forever. And maybe watch, sadly, when you finally meet the pony you need and love, and marry, or something like that. I would puke if I let my imagination run even further on that.
Great. Fluttershy had left. I had to hide my passionate emotions behind a neutral expression. I had to hurry, as my mask was going to shatter at any second.
“Rarity?” I asked. My mask began to slip. I clenched my teeth with my mouth closed. Come on, you can do this. Calm, calm, calm.
“Yes, Twilight?” you replied. Your tone seemed friendly enough. I hoped you weren’t second-guessing every action I made simply because you were alone, with me.
“There’s something I want to tell you. And I’ve told you before… but I’d like to try again.” I hope that wasn’t tactless… and now you know what I’m trying to do, what I’m going to say.
You looked at me, a bit expectantly. And I looked at you. I took a deep breath, trying not to facehoof or grimace. And I said those words of love, again, with your name. There was nothing romantic about the situation: I thought right after I had spoken, great, now I’m going to lose you.
You didn’t say anything for a while. Just like the first time. And I was getting so jumpy, thinking that Fluttershy would be back at any time. So, this is how it ends… come on, just hurry if you’re going to let me down! Just do it!
“I’m flattered, darling.”
Okay, maybe it was going to be a bit better than the last time.
You took my hoof. And then you nuzzled me. But you still didn’t say anything else. I took it as a yes, but in that split second, so many possibilities were spread out…
Fluttershy came back, and we just acted as before. I thought then that you were just letting me down gently, telling me subtly, without words.
So I was very happy, but apprehensive at the same time, when you suggested that we walk to your house together, after Fluttershy had left for hers.
You pulled over your chaise longue. I hoped everything would just freeze, preserving the moment when you had not yet opened your mouth to reject me – with words.
To my surprise, you gestured for me to join you on the couch. I felt like biting my lip or bopping my head. Or something crazy. I was a bit impatient, even. So when you pulled me close, and kissed me, it was still all surreal, all a dream.
zero
And we talked about it, the future, and some other things – our feelings, mostly. And I’m grateful that I have you by my side to explore these new, different emotions. And sensations. But now I know, why you never said no, the first time, but just gave me some other hints (or what seemed like hints).
It was because you were so unsure yourself.
So now, we can trot down this new road, hoof in hoof, see the sights, and walk around. And explore. And discover.
