Silent Guilt

by Renzoric

Rating: teen
Tags: Sad, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Other, Tragedy, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 1120

What everyone does not know, can not hurt them

When one pony does right, does she still deserve to live with the guilt? How can anyone else know of what your going through, if they don't understand.

Published 2012-03-24 13:14:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-03-24 13:14:02 UTC

Chapter 1

I'm scared.

I don't want to go.

I don't want to go.

I don't want to go.

Please. Don't make me go.

_____

Tears fall silently down my face. I sniff aloud, knowing that there is no-one to hear. How could they understand, I never let anyone see in the first place. I'm happy, thats me alright. Happy and cheerful, nothing to worry about.

MAKE IT STOP. WHY DOES IT KEEP COMING BACK. STOP COMING BACK! I WANT TO FORGET.

I don't have any bits anymore. It's ok, everyone thinks I'm doing fine. I can handle myself fine, fine and dandy. Even if I spend it all. It's ok.

I CAN'T BREATHE. I CAN'T MOVE. I'M FALLING INTO MY OWN BODY. IS THIS HOW IT FEELS LIKE. OH GODDESS WHY DO I KEEP THINKING OF IT.

They don't know I don't have any friends outside of them. I'm always saying I'm going out, doing my own thing. Always busy, never not doing stuff. Always cocky, always smiling with a joke.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD. LEAVE ME. I CAN'T HANDLE IT

Work. I love to work. I'm getting better at it every day. Heck, I might even get some extra stuff to do on the side. It paid off to start studying more. I really feel like I'm getting to know my trade better.

IT KEEPS REAPPEARING. I WANT IT OVER, I WANT TO MAKE IT END NOW.

Everyone thinks I'm a grown Filly now. Responsible, thats me to a T. Got everything under control here.

No problems.

____

I'm scared.

I don't want to go.

I don't want to go.

I don't want to go.

Please. Don't make me go.

___

I wake up in my bed. It's 9 am. Time to wake and go to work. I get out and drift slowly over to my washroom. My medication gets taken quickly before I set myself in to bathe. The warmth of the water makes me lose myself in thought, comforting me as I clean off the feeling of grime from the previous day.

I'm ready to go. My gear is on, I head out. The air is cool and crisp as I enter into the cold winters day.

I exit from my home, slowly traveling my usual route.

I pass by the hill. It comes

___

I'm scared.

I don't want to go.

I don't want to go.

I don't want to go.

Please. Don't make me go.

___

Cold. so cold.

I'm scared. We both don't know what to do. I don't cry, it's instinct and adrenaline that move me.
The body was so heavy, It's completely different when somepony doesn't try to hold his weight.

On the grass. The eyes are just up, near the lid. They stay half open.
The tongue was swollen between teeth. White foam and stained yellow streak around it.

Not breathing.
No Pulse.

___

I scream as I fumble around with the sheets tangled in my hoofs. I don't know where I am.
I hear hooves clopping, a door opens.

"Is something wrong? I heard screaming!"

I reply. "I'm sorry...I didn't mean to do it."
I start to fumble with my hooves in front of me. I gaze down at them, I don't want her to see.

The voice responds, a soothing voice after the initial outburst.
"It's okay, I'm not mad. As long as your okay."

I can't stop it anymore, her voice cracks me. I bury my face in my hooves, I don't want her to see. I hear her run to me, quick to embrace me and console.

I cry into her shoulder. I want to stop, but it hurts.

"It wasn't your fault, you should be proud to do what you did."

I gasp for air in between deep sobs, stuttering out words.
"It's... not... fair.."

___

I was so weak, and yet everyone still praises me. They feel sorry for me, and yet I see and hear the admiration for what I did. Not many Ponies ever do what I do, most just pass by. I must be special, look what I did and how much of a brave face I'm showing. So emotional over the event, everypony must think the world of me.

He's dead.

___

I'm scared.

I don't want to go.

I don't want to go.

I don't want to go.

Please. Don't make me go.

___

I'm back home. It's early morning again, I can't sleep. I spent more of my bits again, more debt I need to work out. I try to keep myself occupied.

NO! I LET YOU GO! WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE!

I curl into a ball, the sheets below my head soon are soaked with tears. I sniff loudly, my nose is all stuffed up.

I DON'T WANT TO DIE, STOP REMINDING ME. I'M SCARED. I DON'T WANT TO DIE.

I'm shallow and pathetic. They think I'm sad and depressed because I couldn't save him, but that couldn't be far from the truth. I do feel bad, I always will be. But I only care about myself, it's not about him. I see his face every night and cry. I cry because I'm scared of dying. I don't want to die. I should live forever.

I get up from the bed. I look at myself in the mirror. I smile.

A winner smiles back.

___

I'm scared. (Of dying like that slob)

I don't want to go. (He was a loser, I'm too important)

I don't want to go. (I want to stay in bed forever)

I don't want to go. (I am sick of being responsible for everyone)

Please. Don't make me go. (Just leave me alone)

___

I finally feel the lull of sleep pulling my exhausted mind from my erratic thoughts. Time to drift off.

___

"I'm scared, Twilight. Why did she have to be such a stupid brave pony. I want my friend back. Give me Rainbow back, this isn't real!"

Applejack slams her hooves into the bedding beside Rainbow Dash. Twilight is sitting beside her, forelimb wrapped around her shoulders.

"come on Applejack, you need to go home and sleep"

"NO! I DON’T WANT TO GO!"

"Applejack, your making yourself sick!"

"AH SAID I DON'T WANT TO GO!"

"Applejack!"

"I DON’T! WANT! TO! GO!" Applejack punctuates every word with a stomp of her hoof on the floor. She glares at Twilight for only a moment, breathing heavily in and out. Her eyes,blazing with emotion mere moments ago only now lose their flare. Her face softens, down-ridden with guilt over her outburst.

"Please...don't make me go...not losing her like this"

___

No longer Scared.

I got to go.

It stopped.