This is your uh... captain speaking...
To say she was nervous would be an understatement. More like hysterical. Yeah, that's better.
I had never seen one of them up close before. I certainly didn't expect to be sitting next to one of them on a plane trip. I shoved my bag in the overhead compartment, double checked the seat number on my boarding pass… and triple checked it. That was my seat and I had to sit down. It was time to get my first impression. And what better way than to catch a glimpse of her nether regions as I took the aisle seat next to her.
Hey! I wasn't trying to look, ok? It just sort of happened.
Thankfully she wasn't looking.
Anyway. She was hysterical. I mean labored breathing, darting eyes, the works. And we hadn't even started moving yet. So if I was going to be stuck next to this rose-pink pony for the whole trip, I'd be damned if I was going to sit there and deal with her antics for three hours straight.
"You alright there, miss?"
"Alright?! Do I look alright to you?!" she snapped.
"First time up?" I continued, still trying to break the ice, as nicely as possible.
"No. Yes! I mean I took an airship ride once, but that was peaceful and quiet!"
"Erm… maybe the flight attendants have some of those pills that calm people down. Hey! Hey lady! Aw, she's not looking. Hmm… just try and relax ok? Planes are perfectly safe."
"Ha! That's easy for you to say! You apes ride around in these things all the time!"
Apes, she said! She referred to me as an ape! One of my eyebrows suddenly found itself much higher on my face than usual. "Oh stewardess!" I called loudly to no one in particular. "Any chance I could get a horse tranquilizer over here?"
Clearly I'd struck a nerve like I'd intended. She was so flabbergasted that those big pony eyes of hers looked about ready to pop out of her skull. But instead of being insulted and snapping at me, she just went, "Ha. Ha hahaha!" And she broke into a fit of giggles that could only be described as adorable. "Ha ha! Oh!" She brushed some of her strawberry colored hair back, out of her green eyes, and looked at me sideways. "Do I really look that much like a horse to you?"
I playfully shrugged, implying 'maybe,' earning an extra chuckle from her.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called you an ape." She was still smiling.
"It's ok, you're just nervous. Do I really look like one though?"
She narrowed her eyes at me. "There are some… vague similarities."
"Heh heh heh. Well anyway, I'm sorry about the tranquilizer quip."
"Ugh, I don't know, I might actually need one. I'm going nuts here! When are they going to take off? What's taking so long?!"
Bing
"This is your uh captain speaking. We've uh settled the uh weight issue, we were uh… having. But it uh seems they over fueled us just uh little bit. So we uh have to sit here and uh burn some of it off." The jet engines revved up. "We burn uh…bout 1200 gallons of fuel per hour, so uh we'll need uhbout uh five or ten minutes here folks."
"What?! That's ridiculous!" She exclaimed. "Why don't they just take the extra fuel out?"
"I don't think it's quite that simple."
"Humans are weird."
"Oh like ponies aren't. You're naked."
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"I've got my coat!"
"Oh, please. Your fur doesn't count." I crossed my arms.
"That's not what your government says." She crossed her arms- er, forelegs?
"The government? Eh, what do they know?" I waved a hand dismissively.
"Tch. Humans. How can you not trust your own government? It's run by humans isn't it? How does it go? 'For the people, by the people'?"
"Exactly. Run by humans. Reason enough not to trust them. Oh look, we're moving."
"We are? Oh Sun and Stars! We are!"
"Easy now," I reassured her. "We're just taxiing."
"But! But! After that, we take off, right? That's the worst part!"
"It's not so bad. The plane just speeds up and… that's it! In the air!"
"You make it sound soo simple."
"It is though, and it only lasts a minute." The plane's engines revved up. I looked out the window, we were turning onto the runway. Of course she was avoiding looking out the window herself, instead she was looking at me. Maybe she was expecting me to give her a little more reassurance, to tell her that everything would be just fine. So I smiled and said, "Here comes the fun part!"
"Oh ho no! Don't say it like that!" She started fiddling with her seat belt, making sure it was tight.
We were moving fast down the runway. I could feel the bumps in the pavement as the wheels passed over them. She was gripping the armrests with her hooves.
"Relax," I said. "Look at me. Deep breaths. That's it. Ok, now talk to me. What's a pony like you doing on a plane to Phoenix?"
"Cousin. Cousin lives there. Visiting cousin!"
"Good, good. I'm going there to see my older brother myself. Tell me about your cousin."
"She's-" Suddenly, the bumps in the runway couldn't be felt anymore. "Sweet Celestia's perky nipples! We're in the air, aren't we?!"
"We are, we are. Easy now. You were telling me about your cousin."
"Silver. Silver Bit. She conned me into taking this flying contraption there! I should have taken the train!"
We were well and clear into the sky, and still ascending. And she was still incredibly tense and grinding her teeth.
"You know we're already past the fun part, right?"
"What?" She suddenly loosened up.
"Yeah."
Her face scrunched up, "My ears feel funny," and she started rubbing her ears.
"It's just the pressure change. Yawn a couple of times, you'll be fine. So. Tell me about this Silver Bit. What's she doing in the middle of the American desert?"
"She… she got a job there. Working for some big time human bank. Silver and I were really close as foals. She's been a banker for… her whole life, I guess. But when she was twenty-ish, she took a job in Manehatten, and we really haven't seen much of each other since. And now she has a job in another universe entirely! Silver couldn't possibly get any farther away from me if she tried, could she?! But I still promised I'd come and see her as often as I could."
"Well that's awfully nice of you." I smiled. She wouldn't take her eyes off me. I knew why. "You sure you don't want to take a peek out the window there?" I motioned my head to the window beside her.
She shook her head. "Nope!"
"C'mon, you might enjoy it. It's a beautiful day out there."
"I don't want to. I'm kind of scared."
"Don't be. We're perfectly safe up here. Most humans don't even get to see this kind of thing every day. Come on, just a little peek?"
She chanced a look out of the window. We were flying level and smooth. "Hah! It looks like a giant green quilt down there!"
"See? It's not so bad, is it?"
Somehow she managed to blush. Through fur. Don't ask me. "No, I guess not…" she said. "Sorry I-"
"Don't be."
"Yeah… I guess it's not all that bad after all."
"Well hey, we still have the landing to worry about!" I playfully reminded her.
"Don't remind me! I'm still nervous as it is!"
We shared a small laugh over that.
"So," she said, "I told you all about my cousin. Tell me, who is this brother of yours?"
"Who? Joe? Oh, he's a trip. He finally got out of my hair when he moved away to Phoenix three years ago, but he guilt trips me into visiting him once a year."
She shook her head. "Why do you humans all hate each other?" She asked, clearly perplexed.
"Hey, I love my bro."
"Then why do you talk about him like that? Is that a human thing or something?"
"Heh. I think it's more like a guy thing. What makes you think humans hate each other?"
"Oh, I don't know. You seem to like killing each other an awful lot. You've had more wars in a decade that we've had in a hundred years in our world."
"Pfft, that's just politics. Honestly, normal people – by themselves, that is – aren't like that at all. You know, I knew these guys in high school. One of them was Bosnian, the other was a Serb. Now, their countries have been mortal enemies for like… ever. They hate each other. And these two guys, right? They'd greet each other with insults to the other's country. Every day. That's how they said 'hello,' but they were the best of friends, I mean thick as thieves. See, my point is that wars are just one group of people getting some more people riled up about something. Politics. Granted, a lot of people go for it, human nature I guess."
She opened her mouth to say something then. But she didn't.
I cleared my throat. "I think I just argued against myself. Whoops. Well, my point was supposed to be that humans don't naturally hate each other. Heh. Maybe we do, I dunno."
"You know, we're not perfect either. We have wars. I certainly didn't mean to give you a hard time about it."
"Hey, no big deal. Now, why don't you tell me more about your cousin, the banker pony?"
"Only if you promise to tell me more about this brother of yours whom you hate so much," she smiled wryly.
"Deal."
It was a pleasant flight. She only panicked a little when we landed. But I managed to keep her talking right through it. When we finally said our goodbyes at the terminal, she stood up on her hind legs and gave me a hug, thanking me for helping her 'get through this ordeal.' And while it was kind of awkward being hugged – in public – by a strange naked furry lady with hooves… I can't exactly say I didn't appreciate the gesture.
Besides, she was a way better seat-mate than the smelly fat guy I sat next to on the return flight, who preferred talking in grunts like a caveman.
Author's Note
Well, I went to visit my bro in Phoenix and while I was in the air, I suddenly thought… what if I was sitting next to a pony?
I know a lot of you are waiting patiently for an update to Last Brony, but hey, my muse was calling. Besides, this was a great palette cleanser for my writing.
Anyway, thank you all for reading! Thumbs, fav's, and comments are ALL appreciated! And if you could, it'd be great if you'd click that 'Follow' button over there ;)
