Various Oneshots.

by Saint Dane

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Human, Comedy
Length: 1910

All of my oneshots over my time as a writer.

All of my various oneshots from November 2013 to Now.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-24 03:46:18 UTC

Celestias zoo.

Thinking long and hard about your life was easy when you had time and cause for it.

When you decided to fuck up and lose everything it wasn't that hard to find a cause.

But why you're thinking isn't for that reason, it's where you currently are.

In a cage in a VERY small petting zoo.

"Let me the fuck out of here!"

You scream.

Or you would, if you hadn't gone through that patch of bluish flowers in that forest.

It comes out like "Mmph mh neh fhh ahh oh hrr!"

Good thing you still had your clothes, otherwise it would be a lot more awkward than it already was.

You hear "Shut up you dumb ape!" from a gruff male voice.

You've been here for about three days, so you come to remember a voice like that.

It's that fuckin guard that has the night shift.

Fuck him.

I think I might have to point out, that your captors aren't fellow humans, nor are they the repatilians.

But a type of miniature horse, except for their leader, which is bigger but still not as big as a full horse.

You've been in weirder situations.

Like that time you and Mous got shitfaced in vegas and it resulted him losing a finger and you both getting fined almost a hundred thousand dollars in damages to the public areas and some not-so-public areas.

But like all great things, your thought ends to being prodded by a stick.

Turning, you see what looks to be a small regular pony.

Why is she here at night time?

You realise it has been a couple of hours.

"Are you the new exhibit here, Mr. Ape-thing?" she asks.

"I wouldn't if I could talk normal like every one of you horses here."

Her eyes open wide, "You talk?!" she asks

You realise what she meant.

"You understand me?"

You ask.

She responds back, "Should I not be able to?" she questions in return.

Wow, this might be your way out of this hell hole.

"Umm, I mean, no, but recently I haven't been able to talk clearly, I think it was because I walked through a patch of a really weird flower that had a bluish coloring to it, it the only thing I can think of at this moment, but I wouldnt bet money on it though."

She looks at you and states, "Ohh, you must've walked though poison joke, it can be funny, but most ponies don't think it is when it happens to them."

That fuckin sucks.

You hear the guard ask, "Who are you talking to, kid?"

Looking to him you state,

"Can you let me the fuck out of here now?"

He looks shocked. "U-umm s-sure, i-i'll let y-you out n-now."

As he unlocks the cage letting you out slowly, standing up, you crack a couple of bones.

"Anon is back."

TWO YEARS LATER!

"Anon, why won't you come to any of my parties!?" Celestia asks.

"Because Celly, You lock every new kind in a cage to show off in a petting zoo, some of them talk, but you don't listen, you ruined your personal magic student, so she could be a fucking god among mortals, and because you think its so funny to drug my morning coffee with your stupid rapedrug, that never works."

She looks suprisingly smug as you finish yelling at her. "But Anon, how did you get here in the first place?" she asks, "Because for one time out of one hundred, it finally worked!"

Examining your bindings, you realise they have Celestia written all over them. Literally.

"Ohh you son ofa b-"

She takes hold of your tongue and ties it with rope

"What the matter Anon?" she questions.

She better fuckin not

"Felling a little Tongue tied?" She states.

THAT FUCKING BITCH!

Song inspired story.

Waking up at 7:30, every morning can be pretty tiring.

Even when in a place like Equestria.

Where every other week, something is happening that could fuck with something else.

Ehh, time to go get the paper.

Opening the door without looking, you realise that you are falling.

Fast.

"FUUUUUCK MY LIIIIIIIFE!"

You scream.

Looking up, you notice that your house was ontop of a pile of dirt spanni-

Ow.

OW.

Looking at the ground you just landed on, you feel dirt hitting your stomach.

Looking up again, you see what looks like a pan falling towards you.

"Why me-"

You are cut off as the pan connects with your head.

*Somtime later*

Opening your eyes, you see the ceiling of a hospital.

Not the one in Ponyville, though.

"Where am I?"

Not expecting a response, you hear, "You're in a hospital in the town Neighmouth."

Looking to the mare, you think of that place.

You've heard of the town once before.

"Why am I here? Shouldn't I be in the hospital back in Ponyville?"

"There was a complication with the drugs, so you were moved here, because we had the only usable medication in Equestria." she answers.

"How long have I been here?"

She answers, "According to the report, you've been here for about six months."

Perfect.

"So thats what I spent six long months in Quincy for, six long months, doin' nothin' at all."

4hoof. nuff' said

Looking at the post in /mlh/, it reads ">You will never kiss your human child goodnight."

Its replies are close to the same for everyone.

Like,

OP is a faggot

OP stop sucking dicks.

y u do dis?

Or like,

That feel when.

I don't like that feel.

i crie evertiem.

Like, what the fuck is this shit?

You post ">Yfw i'm the hooman." along with a mad pony face.

replies like fucking crazy.

They see your trip as a mod.

pics or gtfo.

You fuckin lie!

Pics pls.

You decide to throw them a bone.

You take a pic with a timestamp and post it.

Dey mad.

Hooman, I will find you, and I will hug you.

Was that you in a different thread yesterday?

wat?

"Which thread?"

this 1 >>/mlh/ 1529374

Welp, someone's getting permabanned soon.

Fuckin kids

Day Whatever fuckin day I want it to be in Equestria.

"Anon!"

Oh god, these fuckin ponies won't leave you alone.

You turn and look to find Cheerilee running towards you

"Yeah? What do you need?"

"The Cutey Mark Crusaders are gone!" She says.

"So? They're kids, they can find their own way back."

"B-but they're children! You have to help me!" She retorts.

"Not really. Now I have more pressing matters, Making a birthday cake for my cat

"You have a ca-No time you need to help!" She yells.

"Fine."

"Follow me!" Cheerilee exclaims.

"Ok"

She starts to run off while you go back to making a cake for your dead cat.

"Fuck her. And those little cumdumpsters."

Day after Whatever fuckin day you wanted it to be in Equestria.

And you were in deep shit.

Deep.

Shit.

Apparently, when Cheerilee went off to find the kids with you "following" she got the Crusaders and herself killed.

Shithappens.jpg

And somehow the town found out you weren't helping her.

And now the town want you to pay for not helping her.

Like what the fuck.

Now you are being hung by chains while ponies are throwing fruit at you...

They are fucking horrible at it.

"Hey! Why aren't the-"

You start. No. Fuck that, they are not getting any tips from you.

"Hey! Most of us are Unicorns, why aren't we using Magic?

...

Fuck.

You are Anonymous

and you are now being pelted by fruit.

Fucking Ponies.

Anon surprise adopts a child.

You wake up in the middle of a village

You look around yourself to find that you are surrounded by... Ponies?

"Well, umm..."

"It talks!" one of them said

...

Wat

What the fuck

You see a small pony, arent they call fillies? maybe?

Seeing these ponies brings out a side you never thought you'd see again

For absolutely no reason, you take off your clothes

"What is he doing?" the mare asked

"I don't know" stated the other

While full nudey, you start to pelvic thrust while doing your signature move

Jazz Hands

You are Anon, the most thrusting creature in Equestria.

And you were about to claim your first victim.

Now there are five ponies: 2 stallions, 2 Mares and 1 Fillie

Which to choose

The kid.

That fucking child will be yours

"Mommy! Why is it looking at me like that?!"

You Cock skyrockets, your 15" meat pointed right at the Fillie

With at look of Bueno. You rush the child

"WHA- MMPHHM!?!" She tries

"TAKE IT ALL COCKSLEEVE! HAHAHAHAHA!" You laugh

"Oh Celestia, the Horror!" the other mare says. "Get away from my Child!" her mother screams

The Stallions start to rush you. You notice them while they are about 6 ft away.

You evict your Member from your sleeve, and cockslap the 2 Stallions.

You look to the Mares, you whisper rrruuuuuuuuuunn.

They immediately run, the one forgetting her child.

"Well, looks like your Mother left you. Do you want to be my Child?

She is too scarred to respond.

You take her silence as a yes.

"Then lets go! We have to get to town! Wait! I don't know your name.

"My name is S-silver Spoon."

Too bad.

"Your name is now Peep Hole."

Hope she likes it.

Public Speaker.

Looking upon the millions of ponies, you say one thing.

"I only have one thing to say about my old world."

They stare at you with the hint of "GET ON WIT' IT!"

"My old world was not a nice place, we called places that sold relics about a game called Battletoads, and laughed when they were angered."

You stop to catch your breath.

"The worst part is that, while we didn't like it when we knew the person, but some people would laugh when they saw a random person committing suicide, or one murdering another."

Some look scared, some are even crying.

"The people that liked it, were messed up, but that I was like them, is an understatement."

A few ponies look shocked, others, not amused.

"But, every so often, you would see the occasional, thing that would make you think 'What a dumbass?' and it would be okay, because it was something everyone could agree with."

They look more interested than when you began.

"That out of every five retards, there was one that would go beyond the call stupid, and do anything the others would say."

Some laugh, others stifle their giggles.

"The best part of that, is that it reduces the worlds retard population."

"What about the rest of the worlds populace?" you hear from the crowd.

You laugh and equip your propeller hat.

"What populace?"

You then jump and fly away using the hat.

Or you would, if that actually worked in this world.

You instead plummet 20 feet.

And break your legs.

"Ow. OW. OWW. FUCK THAT HURTS."

The crowd looks at you.

And laughs.

Trying to crawl you ask,

"Can someone help me?!?"

The only answer you get is out of a small grey coated and purple earth filly.

"Okayy, mister hooman." She responds.

"Umm, can anyone else help me?"

"I sometimes watch my sisters go potty." She states.

God you attracted a real retard now...

Guess that's the magic of being a leader.