The Epic of Half-Wit

by Night Spark

Rating: everyone
Tags: Romance, Random, Derpy Hooves, Princess Celestia, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 5595

Half Wit is your average half witted pony. He just moved to Ponyville and is still trying to get situated. His arrival causes chaos in the small town as he has never had anything but bad luck...until he meets a certain gray mare named Derpy...

A fic about a nice but dull pony that seems to mess up everything…at least until he meets Ditzy "Derpy" Doo. Ponyville notices something astonishing. When Half-wit and Derpy are together nothing bad happens...however when they are separate they cause chaos on discordian levels. The small town makes it a goal to ship these two ponies...but what if they don't like each other?

Published 2014-02-25 07:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-19 01:16:10 UTC

A New Home

Author's Note

Welcome to the story of an unlucky pony. I've been wanting to write this story for a while now. I will let you know it's gonna be lighthearted and hopefully funny! To be honest I just love Derpy's character and have all kinds of different fics and scenarios planned for her. This fic will be muffin heavy and will mainly focus on Ponyville ponies trying to bring together a klutz and a pony with bad luck.

This is my second fic on this site so go easy on me...if you have any questions, comments, or concerns please let me know! I will also take any of you feels, souls, and muffins...

A New Home

A New Home:

Half-Wit was just plain unlucky. At birth his parents thought he was born with a disorder because he looked funny. He wasn't ugly...he just looked really different...in a funny way. At school he somehow always found himself in the wrong place at the wrong time. If a desk broke? He sat in it. If the food tasted bad? He threw up on the prettiest mare in class. If the school’s plumbing broke? He would be trapped in the restroom for 7 hours. Despite such terrible luck Half-Wit held a positive outlook on life. He always told himself that somewhere out in Equestria, there was some pony else who had equally bad or worse luck than him. If that pony he had never met and might never meet could handle it…so could he.

The train started to slow down as Ponyville came into view. Half-Wit leaned forward as the inertia did its job. His eyes fixed on the town that would be his new home. He thought of what activities and culture the town held. Was Ponyville simple and laid back? Did it have a night life? What were the bathroom soaps like? Did they moisturize and cleanse? Because moisturizing and cleansing are equally important. These thoughts and many other life changing questions circled around in his mind until the train whistle blew. The train had stopped. As he exited the train a breeze had hit him square in the face. It smelled like…

…Burnt Cheese and moldy hay?

The pony in front of him muttered something that sounded an awful lot like the word safety. Half-Wit groaned and headed to the baggage cart. One of the train worker ponies was handing out the luggage. After waiting for what felt like half an hour Half-Wit approached the large stallion.

“Uh…excuse me…um…do you see any other luggage in there? A dark blue suitcase?”

The large pony looked inside the cart. After finding nothing, he pulled out a clipboard. As Half-Wit waited, the pony searched through the passenger list to see which passengers luggage had been checked. He looked at Half-Wit.

“…What’s your name pal?”

“Half-Wit and yes, I’m not kidding.”

The pony didn’t laugh. He only put on a small smile. A moment later that smile turned to a frown.

“Looks like the stupid jackholes in Manehattan mixed up your luggage. They must have sent it on the train to Canterlot. Bad luck pal. No worries though. I’ll file the missing baggage claim for you and you should have your stuff in a week or two. Stay shiny kid.”

The stallion slammed the train’s doors. Half-Wit hung his head low and groaned. No luggage meant no money. No money meant no meals or shelter. No shelter meant not finding out whether or not the soap both moisturizes hooves and cleanses them.

Ah well…it’s not like there isn’t a pony having an even worse day… I’ll manage. I guess…

Half-Wit entered the town. As he did he noticed how peaceful everything looked. Ponies were laughing and smiling. The sun was shining bright and the air no longer smelt like burnt cheese and moldy hay! He had to see more. As he lifted a hoof to continue entering the town, he heard a pony scream.

“Derpy no! Don't touch-"

An explosion formed a fireball in the sky. One of the clouds was set ablaze and began to bellow smoke. Burning debris burst outward from the windows and fell to the ground. Before Half-Wit could question how a cloud was burning, he noticed a smoldering object heading his way. Rather than attempting to move out of the way he just sighed. With his luck he figured moving out of the way would multiply his bad luck and just make things worse.

Yeah I don’t know if it makes sense either…

Just as the object was about to slam into him he felt his instincts telling him to put his front hooves up. He obeyed his instincts and caught the object perfectly. It still sent him flying back a few meters and really hurt his behind but…otherwise he was unharmed.

…strange…

While on his back he observed the strange object he had caught. It turned out to be a mare. A gray mare with a golden mane and eyes to match it. She smiled at him and bit her bottom lip. Her crossed eyes glistened as some sunlight shined on them. Something about the mare gave him a weird feeling. She was certainly pretty but he didn’t think he had a crush on her. She just gave off a vibe. A vibe that made him feel more welcome in this small town than anywhere else. Which was strange considering she plummeted into him like a meteor, and still had a small patch of burning fur on her flank near her cutie mark.

Maybe…I’m dead? Maybe she’s an angel pegasi whose come to take me away? Yeah right…

He patted the small fire on her flank out which immediately caused her to blush. He smiled awkwardly.

How in the buck did she not feel her flank burning and instead felt me patting her? Mares.

She was definitely some pony he would like to know. He felt the need to say something.

“So…um…uh….the soaps here…do they um…moisturize and cleanse?”

He wanted to kill himself. Any other normal stallion would taken advantage of a situation in which they saved a damsel in distress. Half-Wit? He talks about soap. Derpy put on a serious face and looked him straight in his eyes…well…as straight as a cross eyed mare could. She spoke fairly calm for a pony who just fell from the sky.

“It depends. Twilight has magical lavender soap that does both. The town hall is always out of soap so don’t go there. Sugarcube Corner disinfects the best but leaves some moisturizing to be desired. I keep a bottle of lotion next to my soap. I find its best to moisturize hooves right after disinfecting them. I don’t know if there are any benefits for doing so but it just feels right.”

Half-Wit stared at her with wide eyes. He had always had bad luck but for once in his life he felt like his fortune had changed. He felt that she was something he had never felt: the soft warm skin of a beautiful-

…good luck! I have never felt good luck… until this mare. Yeah… good luck…

Suddenly her voice became very cheery. Her speaking pattern became fairly simple.

“My name is Ditzy Doo. Thanks for catching me… and uh… putting out that fire. Last time I didn’t notice until half the fur on my leg burned off. Anyhow I owe you a muffin so if you want you can-“

A massive gust of wind shot by as a cyan pony appeared in a flash. She had a rainbow colored mane… and looked like she was about to shoot lasers from her eyes. Half-Wit sealed his lips as she spoke.

“Derpy! You blew up my house! I buy the first ever invention of my friend Princess stinkin' Twilight and you blow it up… you blow it up!!”

The gray mare tightened her grip on Half-Wit. He stayed awkwardly motionless. Derpy turned her head to the cyan pony and spoke in an apologetic tone.

“I’m so sorry Rainbow Dash. I didn’t know Hydrogen-Tv’s were flammable! Honest! I just wanted to see the picture better!”

Rainbow pulled on her mane.

“Then you turn up the brightness! It's a magic tv! They have settings for a reason! For Celestia's sake! Now I don’t know when my home will be safe to live in again. On top of that you nearly killed whoever the buck that is? Who is that? Is his face supposed to look funny Derpy or did you break that too?”

Derpy turned back to face Half-Wit. She leaned in closer to him… which was pretty bucking close considering she was already on top of him. She whispered to him.

“Hey uh what’s your name?”

“It’s Half-Wit.”

“ ‘Kay thanks.”

She turned back to Rainbow Dash and nearly screamed. The whole town could probably hear her.

“RAINBOW HIS NAME IS HALF-WIT! HE’S THE PONY THAT CAUGHT ME!”

Rainbow was about to continue scolding Derpy, but instead started to laugh. Her body was shaking violently as she fell to her side and pointed at Half-Wit. Words tried to escape her mouth but came out as gasps and more laughter. Half-Wit face hooved. He gently pushed Derpy off of himself and got up. As he began to walk away he planned on saying something to offend Rainbow but, instead tripped on a small bag and fell down. Derpy rushed over.

Wow she’s really nice…

She pulled her bag of muffins out from under his hooves and blew a raspberry.

“My muffins!”

…wonderful. Of course…

He got up once more and turned to see a laughing Rainbow on the ground next to him.

Her home blew up along with a one of a kind invention… and my name is making her laugh? I suppose that’s good…

“Hey Witty, have a muffin!”

Witty? I mean… really? Witty?

Derpy smiled and held out a small muffin. He observed the shiny pastry. It looked delicious. His eyes rose up to meet hers and time slowed. She nodded and reassured him that he could take the fluffy pastry. He reached out his hoof, while still keeping his eyes on hers. Once again he got that welcoming vibe. Staring into her crossed eyes seemed so…right. Half-Wit felt as if he could look at them for days. His awkward smile appeared on his face once more as his hoof began to grasp the small muffin. The twinkling in her eyes was like watching galaxies collide.

I don’t even know what that looks like… fail…

The soft breeze carried her warm scent and made her golden mane dance. He didn’t have a crush on her…but she really was pretty. He swore he didn’t even like her a teeny bit. His head was just being its usual dumb self in that it wasn’t so sure that it wanted a muffin so much as her muffin.

No that’s not what I am thinking about…have some bucking manners…she’s a nice mare…give her some bucking respect please…

His hoof just barely touched the muffin, and then suddenly an orange blur whizzed by on a shiny blue scooter stealing the fluffy pastry.

“CUTIE MARK MUFFIN THIEFS!!!”

Mares, Propositions, and Tea

Author's Note

Before I get to involved with my next little Arc in An Unwelcome Change I thought I would give this story some more love.

More to come soon! This is my first attempt at messing around with fourth wall breaking and humor. So BEAR with me... you'll get that after you read....sigh I'll go puke now.

Like, dislike, love, hate, but for muffins sake comment.

Thanks to Tidal for prereading and kinda half ass editing.

Mares, Propositions, and Tea

Mares, Propositions, and Tea:

He woke up on the bench at the train station. It had been his bed and friend for the last two days. As Half-Wit got up he felt something scratchy on his shoulder and was not surprised in the least when he found dried bird droppings.

Had to happen at least once I guess.

After attempts to scratch the dried dropping out of his olive green coat failed he silently vowed to track down the bird and obliterate it. With a long and hungry sigh he began to walk back into town. Once more the experience of Ponyville enticed him. The smell of apple pies loomed in the air along with the sound of ponies going about their daily routines. It seemed perfect.

I might be starving and have bird crap on me but… I like it here.

As you finished reading that italicized sentence a beam of magic slapped Half-Wit and threw him 23.5 yards away. He landed approximately 14.7 inches away from the Post Office.

I really don’t get the precise measurements… they don’t add anything and certainly don’t help with imagery. What direction did I go flying in? Where the buck is the Post Office in relation to the Train Station? Are you even trying to establish a general sens-

A brilliant azure pony punched Half-Wit in the face which in result ended his stupid thought process. She flicked her pale cornflower blue mane and was release angry staggered breathes.

Wow. Brilliant Azure? Pale cornflower blue? Somepony likes the wiki too much.

Trixie held him down under her hoof and brought her face to his.

“3 weeks!!! The Great and Powerful Trixie waited 3 weeks for a bucking letter or a call!!! Unacceptable!!! The pain Trixie has been dealt is unforgivable!!! Prepare to meet your demise pathetic stallion!!!”

Half-Wit rolled his eyes.

“Look lady, get your extremely smooth hoof off of me. I have never met you before in my life.”

Trixie was going to destroy him but then she realized that she had indeed never met him before. She slowly lifted her hoof off his chest and looked terribly confused.

“You speak the truth weak stallion.”

Well buck, just kick me when I’m down will you…

Trixie kicked him.

“You should have not shot the Great and Powerful Trixie tempting looks! Such pain is the punishment you deserve!”

What the flying-

All of a sudden her cocky attitude died down. The unicorn’s cheeks flushed red and she scratched away at the dirt next to Half-Wit.

“Perhaps the weak stallion would wish to gain Trixie’s forgiveness by accompanying her to lunch?”

He looked at her, and saw that she was truly being sincere. She was asking him out on a date.

Blasts me, punches me, and threatens to kill me. Now I have to earn her forgiveness? This mare is a freaking nutjo-

While he thought about the obviously crazy mare before him his stomach began to beg him to risk his life on a date with her. You know what they say: a smart stallion follows his stomach.

So yeah nopony says that… and I suppose that she is pretty, pretty for a mare who is probably going to kill me.

“Uh… You shame me lady…”

“Great and Powerful Trixie!!!”

“Yes… uh... Great and powerful Trixie. This unworthy stallion has no bits to offer the one and stupendous Trixie.”

This feels awkwardly kinky… just saying… It reminds me of that one hotel in Manehattan where all the mares actually turned out to be-

“Your sins are barely forgiven weak pony. Luckily we are not to dine out. We shall retire to Trixie’s abode!!!”

Yeah I’m gonna die.

The walk to Trixie’s home was not too long. In a way Half-Wit was happy that another one of the locals took some kind of interest in him. Granted this local may very well kill him. Trixie remained silent for the entire walk which betrayed her earlier behavior. This caused Half-Wit to wonder when exactly she would decide to kill him. It was a decent sized tent out on the edge on Ponyville near the forest. As they approached the entrance Trixie turned to Half-Wit and spoke.

“Trixie wishes to apologize to you, new comer.”

Here it goes… the ‘I’m sorry that I have to kill you crap’…hopefully it’s quick. I know somewhere out there another pony is probably being tortured before they get killed by a crazy mare.

Random Everfree Shed:

“Oh Sweet Celestia please!!! No!!! No more!!!”

Fluttershy hummed along as she picked up a pot of boiling tea water. Prince Blueblood shook terribly in the chair he was tied to. The yellow Pegasus spoke softly.

“Do you know why no pony in Ponyville eats meat? No? Oh my goodness! I’ll tell you then. I love my precious little critters like they were my own foals. You can only imagine how I would feel if some pony decided to consider boiled cockatrice a delicacy.”

Blueblood’s eyes watched as she carefully poured herself a cup of tea.

“P-p-please whatever you want I shall have arranged… just let me go and no pony will ever speak of today I- I swear it.”

Fluttershy smiled as she looked over at him.

“You silly head. No pony ever speaks after they visit my shed. Would you like some tea? No? Oh but I insist.”

She whistled gently and two large bears entered the room.

“Lady Fluttershy w-what? What are they- please oh for the sweet flanks of my auntie please spare me!!!”

The bears violently grabbed Blueblood and held his head up and his jaw open. Fluttershy gracefully hovered over him with the steaming pot of tea.

“Piping hot tea is a royal delicacy, Prince Blueblood. This is the blend I let Princess Celestia have every time she visits. Here…”

She poured the bubbling tea into Bluebloods open mouth. The scorching liquid filled his throat and burned his face.

“…try some.”

“Trixie truly meant you no harm. This may confuse you but… Trixie is working for others. Others who have promised to give her another chance. Trixie would have never destroyed you. It is understandable if you wish to not forgive Trixie…”

With her head hung low she opened the tent and motioned him to go in. Half-Wit still thought he was going to die but seeing the mare so down all of a sudden made him sad. He placed a hoof on her shoulder and she looked up at him.

“Don’t sweat it lady. I’m used to this kind of stuff. So long as this tent isn’t full of mares that spend the whole night flirting with you then conveniently reveal that they are actually not-“

“Are you saying you will forgive Trixie then?”

“Considering that another mare blew up a cloud and crash landed on me the second I walked in to town… I’d say there’s nothing to forgive. Like I said don’t sweat it.”

She smiled and led him in. Instead of mares that turned out not to be mares Half-Wit was greeted by real mares. In fact there were eight mares not including Trixie. Half-Wit immediately became nervous as to why he was alone with nine mares in a tent. Mares.

“Look… uh I don’t know what is about to happen but let me just say that if any of you have anything you want to tell me… do it now. Anything at all just let me know. I’m a decent and understanding stallion. But you know… if any of you have something you are hiding. You know like a long, thick, and hard past… for the love of Celestia tell me.”

The ponies stared at him like he was crazy. Half-Wit continued and noticed the cyan pegasus that laughed at him when he told her his name.

“I’m not crazy I just don’t want another experience like Manehattan…”

Applejack was the first to speak and totally disregarded his comments.

“M’kay then... So listen here Sugar. We are gonna introduce you to Ponyville properly. We had to meet you out here because we’ve got a propostion for ya’ if you’re willin’ to hear us out.”

Won’t lie… I’m liking this mare’s accent. Always liked country mares… It’s smooth like molasses but also articulate you know? Maybe it’s too smooth though… maybe she is hiding something… something that is not smooth like molasses. Maybe she is hiding something…big.

Half-Wit sat to show them he was willing to listen, despite his concern about their possibly long and hard secrets. It was then when Twilight Sparkle spoke.

“Hello there, Half-Wit…

Rainbow began to snicker in the corner but was punched in the wing by Rarity who mumbled something about being uncouth.

“…My name is Twilight Sparkle.”

“Oh yeah you’re the new princess. You’re a lot smaller than the other princesses. They are more like the large blue alicorn to you left. Oh…”

Twilight smiled and continued.

“Yeah I’m shorter than them but let’s see any of those princesses beat me at trivia.”

Luna snorted and spoke to the other ponies

“No one can be Twilight at trivia…because only Twilight enjoys trivia… E g g h e a d…”

Twilight rolled her eyes.

“ANYHOW…I am Twilight. Starting from the left you will see Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Octavia, Vinyl Scratch, Princess Luna, and then myself. Behind you is Trixie. Luna was bored so we had her fill in for Fluttershy who apparently thought tea time with her little critters was more important than securing the safety of this town. To be honest that excuse is getting old… I love her to death but she is probably being a lazy bitch right now…”

The other mares turned to look at Twilight with shocked expressions. She merely shrugged.

“Oh don’t even! You all know it just as well as me! She skipped trivia night because her rabbit was hungry. Really? Angel Bunny can kick most ponies asses. All she has to do is spank his stuck up fluffly little tail and teach him how to get his own sh-“

Luna could barely hold her laugher.

“Or perhaps… Fluttershy did not wish to attend the trivia night… which is understandable… NO ONE ATTENDS TRIVIA NIGHT!!!!”

Luna banged her hoof down as she laughed uncontrollably. Twilight rolled her eyes and smacked the Lunar princess with her wing.

“Whatever Miss WE this and WE that. I’m surprised you even own an Xbox. I thought for sure you would go for the Wii so you could satisfy you weeness!”

Luna fell over and continued to laugh. She managed to raise a shaky hoof at Twilight. Her speech came through bits of giggles.

“She- She is concerned with how we satisfy our WEENESS!!! TWILGHT HAS A CONCERN FOR MY WEENESS!!!”

The other mares all began to laugh too while Half-Wit became nervous.

Oh no… This is it isn’t it? Manehatten wasn’t just a one time nightmare… first it’s talk of Weenesses and then bam out comes the pe-

Twilight yelled over the laughing mares.

“ANY-BUCKING-HOW! As I was trying to say before Moonplot over here interrupted. We have brought you here because we believe you are the answer to a problem that has plagued this town for some time: Ditzy ‘Derpy’ Doo.”

Suddenly Twilight’s words became of little concern. Half-Wit had noticed Luna’s mane. As she rolled around and giggled it caught his eye.

Luna’s mane is unbelievable.

Twilight, of course, ever the airbag continued.

“Dizty is a friendly and kind heart pony but she unfortunately is a major klutz…or she has terrible luck.”

Do all alicorns get manes like that? I just want to play with it. It looks soooooo soft….

…and she continued.

“When we saw her crash into you something clicked. She seemed different. Her speech changed and well you didn’t die. Somehow she landed perfectly in you hooves with out causing injury to either one of you. Normally I would ignore this kind of thing because, well magic…but at her velocity…you two should have been crushed and yet…”

I wonder if she will let me smell it. It looks like it would smell nice. Maybe if she won’t let me Celestia will? What happens if I tried to cut it?

…and continued.

“Long story short Half-Wit, we think that when you and Ditzy are in close proximity you somehow negate the normal chaos associated with Ditzy Doo.”

Does Luna sanitize than moisturize? Buck me she must have all kinds of soap. I wonder what conditioner she uses. She has to use one… I won’t for one second believe that mane is naturally that smooth and shiny.

…and continued.

“So our goal is to ship you two faster than Luna could go to the moon.”

Finally.

You do realize that you write what she-

Luna turned to Twilight with a calm yet annoyed look. She was about to remind Twilight that she could tell others about her dream. The dream which included all the elements and a large gold cane. The lunar princess smirked as she spoke to Half-Wit while looking at Twilight.

“Yes little pony. Faster than I can travel to the moon… or faster than Twilight can use a cane.”

Twilight blushed and Half-Wit was thoroughly confused. He furrowed his brows and thought about the few words he heard.

New town and they are already trying to pimp me out. First it’s Ditzy then it’s the whole bucking town. Wait a cane? Canes are long. Canes are hard. Canes are smooth. What if canes is a code word. Buck this not again.

He turned around and began to exit the tent. The mares moved alarmingly fast. Soon Half-Wit found himself surround by them.

Here it is. My angry pimps. Damn it. Couldn’t just stay at the train station could you Half-Wit?

Luna stood before him with her enchanting mane. Its perfection flowed with the wind and caught his eye.

Much Perfect. So Luna. Wow.

Luna towered over him and spoke softly yet he couldn’t help but feel she was carrying an underlying tone of anger in her voice.

“Where do you think you are going Half-Wit? I have yet to get to know you. Surely you do not plan on leaving a princess before being dismissed? Stay.”

“Stay? For what? For you and these other mares to finally be honest and reveal that you are all secretly stallions! Not again! I don’t give a buck who you are, how strong you are, or what your name is! I will not relive Manehattan again! I will not be put back in that hotel room and tied to the fold out couch with the dead bugs in it. NO! So get the buck out my way and find some new pony to pimp!”

Every mare was silent and wide eyed. Rarity approached him cautiously and whimpered. She looked as if she had just been emotionally broken. Half-Wit carefully watched her.

“S-s-so are you saying… t-that I… I… I look like a stallion? That I don’t look like a mare?”

She fell back on to a red couch because magic. Her body shacked violently as she began to sob out loud. Octavia pushed Half-Wit and stared him down.

“How dare you, you… uncouth, self righteous, ignorant, vile, excuse for a stallion! Look at what your cruel actions have reaped. Are you happy now? Knowing that you can make gentle and kind mares cry and feel visually hideous? I should teach you a thing or two Half-Wit. I may not appear like much but I’m sure if I shove my cello up your… up your… buck it… up your ass you would think twice before acting in such a manner again.”

Shoving. Ass. AAAAAAAAAAAnnnnnnnnnnddddddd I’m out.

Half-Wit pushed past Luna and galloped as hard as his legs would allow him to.

“Buck you all! There will be no shoving of anything up this stallions ass! Do you hear me Equestria!? You can give me all the bad luck in the world but nothing, nopony, and no object will be shoved in this a-“

The group of mares watched as the new stallion ran into the Everfree forest. Applejack shook her head and spoke.

“Poor fella… thinks he’s going back to town…”

Luna held a puzzled look and muttered.

“This stallion clearly has a problem. Whatever happened in Manehattan changed his view on our gender. If we are indeed to ship this stallion as Fedex would, we must seek out his history and use it against him.”

The Everfree Forest:

Half-Wit was heading back into town. Well he thought he was. As he continued to gallop deeper into the forest the plant life grew thicker. Soon he was galloping through vines and branches. Some of them scraped at his side but he didn’t care.

Not this stallion. Not today. Not ever.

His hoof stubbed straight into a tree root which made him trip. He fell face first into dirt. For a brief moment he was staring at the base of a tree about 4 feet away from him. His eyes closed in response to the pain he felt. His hoof hurt.

No bucking kidding you jackhole!

The thumping sound of an object hitting the forest floor next to him caused his eyes to open. The disfigured body of a unicorn was a mere foot away from his face. Half-Wit immediately tried to pushaway from the body but he push back against something large and furry. With a big gulp he looked up and noticed a bear.

Bears. Two bucking bears…

The large animals glared down at him and snarled. The very sight of their teeth caused him to tremble. While he was scared of the physical pain he was about to endure Half-Wit mentally shrugged. Strangely enough this was not the first time he had a dead body land next to him in a forest right next to bears.

Don't ask. Not to mention, I’ll take bears overs Manehattan…

The bear closest to him raised up a large paw and was ready to swipe. The softest and gentlest of noises however stopped him.

“Oh my goodness! Are you ok?”

A yellow Pegasus landed next to Half-Wit and helped him up. She turned and gave the bears a look that forced them to retreat back into the forest. Half-Wit exhaled with relief.

“I don’t know what you did to those two but thanks.”

“Oh don’t mention it. I’m terribly sorry they acted like that. Cuddle Foot and Fluffy are nice bears but sometimes they forget their manners. Please don’t tell anypony. I-I- don’t know what I would do if anything happened to them.”

She looked so scared for the fate of the large and viscous bears. Half-Wit noticed her eyes shift over the body that was behind him. He turned to see Blueblood mangled and burned.

“Poor fella. He probably ran into the forest like I did thinking he was going back to town. I always said there was some pony with worse luck than me. Guess I was right.”

Fluttershy tilted her head and looked at him with pity.

“Why would you say you have bad luck? You seem like a nice pony…if you don’t mind me saying…”

Half-Wit smiled and let out a sigh.

“Well ever since I was born I have had crap. You name it and I have been through it. Getting bullied, falling down stairs, getting poison ivy at the doctor’s office from some pony else who has poison ivy, food poisoning, mugged, beat up, slipping into dragon droppings…and Manehattan…”

He wiped off some dirt from his coat.

“Long story short miss… I’m bad luck. Thanks again for the help but if you could point me in the right direction I’ll get out of your mane.”

Fluttershy looked nervous. She shuffled around a bit and walked towards Half-Wit.

“Oh but… are you going to tell on my bears? I know they made a mistake but please… I can’t afford to lose any more friends…”

Buck me… I feel guilty and I didn’t even do anything.

He stretched his hind legs and back.

“Look… I won’t tell on your bears but, someony has to know about this. I can’t just leave this pony here in the dirt. So I’ll just let them know I found a body.”

For a short and almost incalculable moment he thought he saw anger flash through the mares face.

Ah she’s probably worried about her pet bears… which should make me worry I suppose…

Fluttershy sighed and then looked up with a determined smile.

“Thank you. I just get so worried about my little furry friends. They don’t have anypony to protect them but me sometimes. If you don’t mind I could take you back in town… but I have to grab my bits from my home so I can buy some supplies…”

She motioned him to follow her. Yet another mare from Ponyville leading him to their so called homes. He began to wonder if bears were the only large and furry secrets Fluttershy held. He reluctantly began to follow her. When she could hear his footsteps behind her a calm smirk appeared on her face.

“I’ll just grab a few things and then we’ll be on our way. So you never told me your name…”

“Oh sorry. My name is Half-Wit. I know… go ahead and laugh.”

“I would never laugh at such a nice pony.”

They arrived at a dark and over-grown shed. It blended so well with the forest that you wouldn’t find it unless you were looking for it. She walked up to the door and lightly tapped it with her hoof. As it eased open the hinges creaked a long and dreadful song. She spoke over her shoulder with the sweetest tone her voice could make.

“Half-Wit… would you like some tea?”