The Drunk Human John In Equestria
Our epic tale of heroism began with a young man named John in his mid twenties, he was a tall, a little buff and slightly overweight Caucasian with short brown hair and a light scruff. He wore a thick black coat and black pants, because outside it was a cold as a mother fucker.
It was about One AM in the morning and many people began to leave the bar, John himself was sat in a corner in the bar, where dozens of empty pint glasses of drink were in front of him. And his buddy Joe had went home an hour ago after finding a nice lady at the bar.
"Time to go home John." said the barman.
"Oh.... alright then." he said in a low voice.
John got up off his seat, and was able to stagger towards the door. He still knew where the door was, despite being drunk out of his mind and barely being able to see in his blurry vision.
John walked out into the freezing cold, it was snowing heavily outside. John jerked forward slightly and put his hand over his mouth in a pathetic attempt to stop himself vomiting up the takeaway Thai food he had earlier. John now with his chest covered in his own vomit had sighed. He was slightly sad that he didn't get any pussy tonight and then made his way to his friends near by apartment, that was literally just next door to the bar, or at least he was going to, until he disappeared in a blinding flash of light for no apparent reason.
***
John reappeared in the middle of a dark library, but the sudden shock of being teleported caused his legs to give way and thus fall on his arse hitting the wooden floor. Normally John would react in pain from falling on his ass, but due to so much alcohol in his system he didn't seem to feel anything when he fell on the floor.
However, our drunken Human hero John would not remain on the floor for long, as he began to bravely struggle to get up off the floor, but after drinking about a dozen or more pints of beer and a dozen or more shots, his struggle to get up off the floor was indeed most difficult. But none the less John was persistent in his epic struggle to get up off the floor.
This wooden floor would never defeat John, for John was a brave man, especially when he was drunk. So this pitiful floor was no match to the fearsome mighty drunken warrior that is John. However, this wooden floor seemed to mock John as he still struggled in vain to get up off the floor.
Time and time again John was nearly on his feet, but the cursed floor seemed to pull him back onto the floor again. He did not know if the floor had some sort of magical force or being so drunk was the reason he found it so hard to get up off the floor.
The epic battle of drunken Human versus wooden Floor waged on as several minutes passed by as John continued to struggle to get up off the floor. Despite this, John never gave up hope, that he would soon get up off the floor. So John continued with his glorious struggle, that would have many a bard sing about his tale. Finally, after about fifteen minutes his efforts payed off as he eventually managed to get up off the floor. The Human John was now a true hero, never again should Humanity be questioned of it's greatness, for it's ability to achieve goals even in the most darkest of times. A tale that would be told from father to son for many generations, if he didn't fall on the floor again as soon as he got up.
Once again, John bravely entered battled with the floor again. But this time John had the upper hand, for it only took him about a minute to get up off the floor.
Unfortunately, in a cruel twist of fate John began to lose his balance as he staggered about the room. He fought valiantly not to fall over and defeated many a bookshelf in battle. The bookshelves never stood a chance as he staggered around the room knocking them over.
Alas, the mighty warrior John fell onto a pile of books, but in his fearsome battle against his weakening legs he had knocked almost every bookshelf over in the library. Truly he was a legend.
John lay on the floor, not even trying to get up. He fell asleep to fight another day against his fearsome foes.
However, not all hope was lost as a purple unicorn mare, named Twilight Sparkle had trotted down the the stairs toward him.
"Oh no, not another one." she said.
The kind hearted unicorn used her magic to clean the vomit away off him, then lifted the sleeping drunkard off the floor with her wondrous magic. She placed him on her back and carried the fallen hero up the stairs, where she put him gently down in a bed in a spare room.
John lay in the bed asleep. However, after about half an hour he woke up, got up out of bed and staggered out of the room. The adventurous John assumed his friends had found him and put him in the bed. The reason John got up was because he needed to go take a piss.
It was not long till John found the bathroom, thus he unzipped his pants and began to pee into the toilet.
"Ahaahah!" screamed Twilight as she jumped out of the bed while the Human pissed on her. "You idiot!"
Unfortunately, it turned out not to be a toilet, but the unicorn that put him up stairs.
"Uhh, what? A unicorn? I'm sorry! Wait, what's going---
"It's Okay, you're drunk. So, just shut up and go to sleep."
With that the Human fell on the bed and went fast asleep within seconds snoring loudly.
The kind hearted unicorn left the room to go have a shower. The following morning, Princess Celestia visited and used her magic to return the Human back home to his own universe into this bed. Once John's was gone, she helped Twilight tidy up the library.
And so, this ends John's epic tale in Equestria, which he would not remember at all from being so drunk.
