Author's Note
I regret nothing (At least involving this story. What I did in Vietnam is unforgivable.)
Livin' Swanky
"WE WANT ANSWERS!!!"
Prince Eugene L. Blueblood coughed and sputtered as his head was shoved violently once again into the bucket of cold water. After about thirty seconds of forced submersion, the rough hoof around his hair yanked and pulled him out.
The room where he just so happened to be located was seedy for his tastes: it was nothing but wood planks, a window, and a single lightbulb hanging from a small string. A stream of light poured through the glass, illuminating his soaked face and the orange appendage that restrained him.
"I don't know!" The prince said as he gasped for oxygen. "You didn't even ask me a question! How am I supposed to answer it?"
"Y'all know what we want." Applejack prepared to dunk the prince again, her voice dripping with venom.
"Actually, I don't! All I know is that six unusually colorful mares broke into me bedroom and knocked me out by pitting a lit marijuana cigarette in my mouth when I was sleep-"
He was interrupted by another fit of cold water. He was pulled back up.
"If ya'll want to stop bobbin' for apples, ya just have to answer a few questions."
"WHAT ARE YOU ASKING ME?!?!"
"You know what we want."
"NO, PLEASE, I D-"
A chorus of bubbling noises erupted from the wooden bucket. He came up again.
"Please... I don't know anything! And the water tastes unusual!" Blueblood begged. He spat out some water onto the concrete floor, disgusted.
"We infected it with the Pink Eye virus." Said Applejack evenly. "In less than three hours, y'all eyes are gonna be itchy. And the more itchy they get, the more ya want to itch 'em. It's a living hell, considering that you're hosting the Equestria Games next week."
"NO!"
At this moment, a ragged Twilight Sparkle burst through the single door, holding a scroll with her magic.
Blueblood's heart swelled. A princess!
"Huzzah! Princess Sparkle has come to save me!!!" He yelled happily. "Arrest this vermin!"
"Oh, shut up before I give permission for Applejack to use the nipple-stapler." Blueblood's heart went immediately flaccid, dangling limply in the wind as his liege insulted him. She closed the door behind her, opening the scroll as she did so.
"Hey, Applejack. I have our letter to the princesses ready. Want to hear it?
"Sure."
"Ahem." She cleared her throat as Blueblood looked on in confusion. "Dear Princesses Celestia and Luna."
"Seems reasonable." Said Applejack approvingly.
"I agree. Dear Princesses Celestia and Luna- It his come to our attention that your shared nephew Buttfuck here has managed to cock up the economy in Canterlot yet again. You don't seem to care, but he actually went to a clothing vendor and bought about as many products as would fit up his arse- that is to say, a lot. As a result, inflation has gone up nearly five hundred percent and we now have to bring a shopping cart full of bills in order to get a decent hooker at Sugarcube corner. So we kidnapped him, and it's your fault. Good job. Sincerely- Twilight Sparkle."
Blueblood was silent. How did they know that he hid his spare outfits up his pooter? He had kept that a secret for years!
"Sounds good. Send it so ah can get back to torturing his ass." Said Applejack.
Spike came in and lit the letter on fire and it somehow went to the Princesses because creative license and magic.
CANTERLOT ROYAL CASTLE
FÜHERS CELESTIA AND LUNA
A REASONABLE AMOUNT OF TIME LATER
"Hmm, yes." Said Celestia, her energy mane flowing in the nonexistent wind. "With whom shall we share these fine wines, caviar, and horse devours?"
She placed the caviar, boneless wings, and 1239 aged Montillado on the bed between them, which was made of several tons of aged swanky Pegasus down.
"The peasants?" Suggested the nightly younger sister. "Perhaps our assistance would help foster their faith in us?
The duo, nestled in the bedchambers, broke into a polite bout of restrained laughter. Celestia took a large bite of the caviar from her ivory plate, polishing it off with some 40k gold Lucky charms and miniature Nissan Altima.
The fireplace in the room roared. Not because the fire was particularly well-made, but because there was a servant Earth Pony in the small room behind the chimney constantly poking a full-grown dragon with a pointy stick while dosed up on methamphetamines. He got breaks during Pagan blood sacrifices and a meal every other Sunday.
The Royal Sisters sniffed swankily as a small puff of Royal smoke appeared, a swanky-looking letter taking its place.
"Oh, gaze upon thy place of rest, hmm!" Said Celestia. "We appear to have received a letter from our apprentice in swankitude, Twilight Sparkle!"
Luna responded swankily. "Ooh, joy be to us! What savory adventures and witty quips will she have in store for us in this correspondence? I, personally, enjoy when she includes a rhetorical flourish in her dialogue, making me rife with bouts of laughter brought upon by deadpan sarcasm and snark!"
Celestia lit a candle made of 100-dollar bills covered in Coke to light up the letter. They prepared themselves for a battery of witty quips and eloquent prose.
"Oho, my sister! Our student in swank seems to have gained a new entry in her vocabulary! The word 'buttefuck' is to be added to the Royal Dictionary at once!" Said Luna. She made the royal enthusiastic gesture, making the many mewling whelps that called her "ruler" bow down at her overwhelming royal swanky wealth and glory.
"I concur." Said Celestia. "Our student impresses me once more! She has even managed to catch the little whelp that has been a pain in our sides for years! Pfft, 'Free Elections.'. Preposterous!"
"Fancy."
"Mhm, yes."
"Yes."
"Mhm."
They fucked like rich people and later found out that Blueblood died from acute Pink Eye. Then they anally snorted sixteen pounds of pure Ecuadorian Cocaine and fucked again the regular way.
