Diamond Tiara's Butler Saves the World

by CartsBeforeHorses

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Mane-iac, Adventure, Power Ponies, Diamond Tiara, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 2156

The Maneiac attacks Maretropolis and captures the Power Ponies. Diamond Tiara would love to don her iron exoskeleton suit and save the world, but she’s tired. So she has her butler Randolph do it for her.

The Maneiac attacks Maretropolis and threatens to destroy the world. Rich playmare Diamond Tiara would love to don her iron exoskeleton suit and save the world, but she’s tired. So she has her butler Randolph save the day for her.

Published 2014-02-27 03:40:10 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-27 03:40:10 UTC

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The Power Ponies stood on a street in Maretropolis, surrounded by the Maneiac and her goons. The evil ponies closed in on the superheroes, ready to strike.

“I got this!” yelled Filli-second as she zipped around at lightning speeds, punching the henchponies in the jaws. Little birdies flew around their heads as they tried to keep up with the blindingly fast mare.

But one of them got out a tube of hair gel and sprayed it on the ground. Moving too fast to stop, Filli-second slipped and slided through the hair gel and crashed through the glass display of a discount anvil store. She fell to the ground, out cold.

“Hahaha! You foals should know better than to try to foil my plans!” the Maneiac cackled, referring to her evil plans which the Power Ponies had, in fact, foiled every single time previously.

“Filli-second!” yelled Zapp. She flew into the air and rained down a storm of lightning bolts on the henchponies. The lightning didn’t hit them since that would kill them, and this is a family friendly comic book. Rather, it hit the air near them, which was just as bad. Their hair got all staticky and frizzy. Their pupils dilated as they gazed at their messy hair, shocked at its horrid appearance.

However, the Maneiac climbed up a building with her prehensile hair, ripped a lightning rod off a roof, and placed it on the ground right next to Mistress Marevelous while nopony was looking. Zapp’s lightning hit the rod, knocking out Mistress Marevelous, and rendering Zapp’s lightning attacks useless, since all the bolts were now drawn to the rod.

“Why, the nerve!” exclaimed Radiance. She summoned up a giant pair of scissors and floated them over to the henchponies, their hair still standing on end from the lightning. Though she hated to commit a crime against fashion, if she could separate them from their hair, they would be powerless!

She snipped the clippers, and gave the henchponies a shave. But it was little more than a ruse, as they removed their ruined wigs, displaying their true hair beneath. Their golden locks shimmered in the moonlight, stunning Radiance.

“My, it’s gorgeous! I could never clip such dazzling hair as that!” exclaimed Radiance, fainting in shame.

“Radiance!” Hum Drum yelled, running over to attend to the mare of his dreams.

“Alright, looks like this is all down to me!” the Masked Matterhorn proclaimed.

“Ahem,” said Saddle Ranger, lightly tapping the alicorn on her side to remind her of her meek presence.

“Oh, and you,” Matterhorn noted. “Are you angry at all? We would sure love it if you could transform into the beast of rage.”

Saddle Ranger blushed. “Um… not really. I mean, sure, the Maneiac is trying to destroy the world, but she’s probably just having a bad hair day. We really should be understanding instead of angry.”

The Masked Matterhorn shook her head, rolling her eyes. She powered up her horn and let loose a fiery blast, figuring that the hairspray that the Maneiac and her henchponies used would be highly flammable. However, the Maneiac took a wrench in one of her many hair tendrils and smashed open a fire hydrant. The water flowed out across the henchponies, protecting them from the fire.

The Masked Matterhorn gritted her teeth as she came up with a new idea. She changed her firebolt to a freeze ray, and aimed it at the henchponies. Since they were wet, it would freeze them all!

Unfortunately, they were too quick, and darted out of the way. The Maneiac smashed open the other side of the hydrant, and the water sprayed towards the Matterhorn and the Power Ponies instead, where it came into contact with the freeze ray. Now, all of our heroes were frozen solid by the Matterhorn’s own ice beam.

“Hahahaha!” the Maneiac cackled. “Looks like you’ve lost our little game of freeze tag, ponies. But don’t worry, my plan for world domination will thaw you all out in no time!”

The Power Ponies would have groaned at the terrible puns, were their vocal chords not frozen solid. The Maneiac’s henchponies all cackled along with her as they went to their base, picking up the frozen ponies and carrying them along to put them in a cage.

Diamond Tiara sat on her gold leaf-encrusted chair as she read a fancy magazine. She reached over with her hoof to her nightstand, where an assortment of rich pony food sat. She grabbed a fancy cracker, dipped it in caviar, and put it in her mouth, savouring every morsel.

Can ponies eat caviar? I mean, it’s not technically meat. Whatever, if it makes you feel better, just imagine that she's eating crystal berries or something.

“Aah, it’s so good to be rich,” Diamond Tiara said. “I can have anything that I want because my daddy buys cheap Chineighse goods for Rich’s Barnyard Bargains and pays his employees substandard wages and lousy health care plans. I bought a huge mansion, a yacht, and a new car. I even bought a suit to give me superpowers!”

She heard a knock on her door.

“Come in,” she beckoned.

At the door was Diamond Tiara's butler, Randolph Winston Alfred Jeeves Woodhouse the third. He was an old grey earth stallion who had faithfully served her family for generations. So, naturally, she treated him like garbage.

“What is it, Randolph? Can’t you see I’m busy reading?” she asked.

He gazed down at the floor. “Sorry to disturb you, madam, but have you watched the news lately?”

“No,” said Diamond Tiara.

“Well, have you looked out the window?”

Diamond Tiara peeked out the window and gasped, seeing the Iron Mare symbol against the clouds.

“Ugh,” she sighed. “Why don’t they just call me on my cell phone? What if I’m not looking outside right at that moment? It’s not like I have a secret identity or anything.”

Randolp shrugged.

She continued, “I guess those useless Power Ponies have gotten themselves into trouble again. How many times have I had to bail them out, Randolph?”

Randolph counted the number of times off on his hooves.

Diamond Tiara groaned. “Exactly. Far too many. In fact, I don't really feel like doing it this time. I stayed up too late last night, and I'm tired.”

“So you’re not going to save the world?” asked Randolph.

Diamond Tiara shook her head. “Nope. I’m not going to save the world. You are.”

“Beg your pardon, Madam?” asked Randolph, his eyes widening as he took a step back.

“That’s right. After all, I still want ponies to appreciate what a great and rich superhero Iron Mare is, and how she'll always come to save the day when all the poor ones have failed. Go downstairs, put on my Iron Mare suit, and go kick some flank!”

Randolph scratched the back of his head with his hoof. “With all due respect, madam, I have just undergone an intensive back surg--”

Diamond Tiara leered at the butler. “Do as I say, or I’ll lock you in the freezer again!”

A chill ran down Randolph’s spine. That wasn’t an incident that he wanted to repeat. He bowed. “Certainly, madam.”

Randolph descended the hundreds of steps towards the Iron Mine, Diamond Tiara’s secret lair. Canned floodlights illuminated the dim and musty cave. Randolph coughed, hoping that his lung cancer which had gone into remission several years ago wouldn’t make a comeback.

He finally reached the Iron Wardrobe, where Diamond Tiara’s iron exoskeleton suit sat. It was the best money could buy: equipped with lasers, heat-seeking missiles, and a jetpack. The hydraulically-enhanced iron arms enabled the wearer to lift thousands of pounds. It also stood half Randolph's height. He blinked several times as he realized that the suit was far too small for him. It was meant for a filly, but he was a grown stallion.

The prospect of being trapped in the icy prison of the walk-in freezer weighed far heavier on his mind than a tight squeeze in the suit, though. He stepped his hind legs into the iron pants. It was an incredibly tight squeeze, but he fit. The iron pants didn’t fully protect his legs; his hind legs below the knees were totally exposed. It looked more like iron shorts than pants.

He sucked in his chest as he struggled to get the iron chestplate over his head and torso. His lungs were constricted by the iron chestplate, and he felt like an elephant was sitting on him. Nevertheless, he was able to breathe.

He put on the helmet, which was the only part that fit him. Diamond Tiara’s head was quite massive for a filly her age, because it had to fit her giant ego.

Randolph turned on the jetpack on the back of the iron suit. It roared to life, and he flew through the cave towards the exit.

“Oh, bother. I certainly hope I can navigate this contraption…” Randolph muttered, his concerns drowned out by the jet engine as he rocketed into the sky.

The Power Ponies stood inside of a cage, still frozen solid, as the Maneiac stood in front of them, gloating.

“Now, as for my plan, you no doubt have seen the giant can of hairspray atop the roof of One Horse Plaza…”

She pointed with a hair tendril towards the window. Off in the distance, the tower stood, the can of hairspray atop it. It towered thirty feet into the air, adding to the tower’s own considerable height.

“Now, at the stroke of twelve, I plan on pressing the nozzle on this can, which will release enough aerosols into the atmosphere to destroy the world's ozone layer! This will mean that the sun's extra-intense ultraviolet rays will cause everypony’s hair to become bleached and full of split ends, causing my hydrating conditioner and hair dye product sales to skyrocket!”

The Power Ponies faced the window, their eyes widening.

“I know. Brilliant plan, isn’t it?” asked the Maneiac, grinning from ear to ear.

“Th hrspruh…” Hum Drum mumbled.

“Hm?” asked the Maneiac. She didn’t bother to turn around and look out the window. If she had, she would have seen Randolph the butler firing volleys of missiles at the Maneiac’s henchponies who were standing guard by the hairspray can.

He rocketed across the roof, blowing the henchponies away with tremendous explosions. A few pegasi flew up into the air to confront him, but he pounded them with his ironclad hoof, and they went flying backwards through the air.

“Noooo! It's the Iron Mare!” the Maneiac cried from inside her base. “Go stop her!”

Her stallions obeyed, flying out through the windows. Randolph, though, had the advantage of a head-start. He flew over to the can of hairspray and, with all his hydraulically-assisted might, wrenched it out of the ground, his dusty old muscles straining at the effort. Thankfully, the hydraulics in the iron suit arms helped him in this feat of strength.

He diverted all power towards the aft thrusters on the iron suit and flew up towards the sky, still holding the can of hairspray.

The pegasi minions were closing in on him, and he didn’t have a free hoof. He gulped as he realized that they would catch him!

But then, he got an idea, remembering a trick that he had seen Diamond Tiara do. He pushed a button on the side of his suit, and it released a hair-seeking missile. The missile, detecting the minions’ hair, flew towards them. Their jaws opened wide in shock as they turned to fly away.

Randolph grinned as he looked back at the fireball engulfing the pegasi. He completed the flight up to the stratosphere, passing the cloud cover. With a giant heave of his hydraulic-assisted hooves, he threw the hairspray can into outer space. He winced in pain as his back cracked from the effort. Wiping the sweat from his brow, he returned back to the ground, descending back towards the city streets where hundreds of relieved and elated citizens had already gathered.

“Yay, we’re saved!” one pony screamed.

“You’re the greatest!” another hollered.

Randolph smiled, glad that he was finally being acknowledged for all his hard work.

“Diamond Tiara is the best superhero ever!”

“The Iron Mare saved us!”

Randolph’s heart sunk as he saw them parading around with Diamond Tiara as if he hadn’t even done anything. He should have known. His heart swelled with rage. After many thankless years of serving Diamond Tiara’s family, shining their shoes, taking out their trash, and now saving the world, he had nothing to show for it except a thrown-out back. He pounded the ground in frustration.

He thought long and hard about what he would do, and then finally came to a resolution… he would secretly kill Diamond Tiara. Nopony would ever suspect the butler, after all!