SPOON!

by Ssendam the Masked

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Adventure, Human, Dark, Comedy
Length: 2854

The King of the Hobos goes up against the Diarchy of Equestria.

Muckle damred ponies! Gettin' in mah newspapers, defyin' the might of the Hobo King!
It's like the guv-men, takin' mah tax money and puttin' it into their fancy alien technology!
But I'll show them. I am the Hobo King, and ain't no pretty princess gettin' in the way of mah spoon.

A part of the LoHAV.
I have no shame.
You want originality, you got it.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-07 13:28:09 UTC

This ain't good

I lay on the sidewalk, resplendent in my royal finery. My beanie jammed over my unwashed hair, along with my crown, proclaiming that I was the King of all Hobos. A fine, bushy grey beard sprouted from my chin like a great mushroom, protecting me from the gov-ment and their evil little machines. They put them in shaving cream, they get you young, they get you working in the system, but not Billy, oh no, he was too smart, he saw the machines and he never shaved.

Now I'm the King of the Hobos. I get a free house to sleep in, as much food as I can scrounge from the dumpsters (and there's a lot of food that folks just throw out for no good reason at all, it seems, but in actuality, it's tribute to the Hobo Kingdom and, by extension, me,) and I have my faithful subjects, we homeless who the gov-ment don't like. There's Shaky Dave, who shakes from the cocaine that he smokes, thin as a rake but looks fatter with all of his jackets. There's Fancy Ted, a newcomer around here, fired from his fancy business job in some company for doin' somethin' with figures. Now, he's a bum like us, still wearin' his fancy suit. Then there's Mad Liliam, who reckons herself to be a witch, and is hiding so that the gov-ment don't find her. Personally, I reckon that she's one er them mental patients, she smells of chemicals, like they tried to get me to eat when I went to an asylum, but I fought 'em off and ran.

It's a cold winter's day, and we're just beggin' for some money. You see, other people's money is safest, as the little robots that they put on money to control you, they rub off on other people's hands, that's why I never took ready made money, with all them gov-ment robots crawling all over then. Ever since old Billy saw the robots in the money, he knew that you never take fresh money, not unless you wipe it on sommat first.

I take a swig of hooch from a coke bottle. Hooch, they tells you, the gov-ment tells you, hooch rots your brain. All hooch does is destroy any robots that come in through your skin and make you think what the gov-ment wants you to think. Damn gov-ment. Besides, hooch keeps you warm, it alters the weather around you to keep you healthy, so it can't be bad for you, right?

"Alright, you crazy hobo, let's get you to a shelter. It's nice, there's food and heating, so just come on." I glare upwards. There's a polees-man lookin' at me. He's cleanly shaved, and I shrink back a bit. He smells of chemicals and new uniform and I can see the robots crawling through him, they're imprinting his young face, they're flowing into his head like a river of metal, and if he touches me then the robots are going to get into me and make me think like him and no no no no get back. I scramble backwards.

"Giet away from me! GIET!" I wave my hands, splashing him with hooch, and the robots crawling under his skin shrink away from the cleansing hooch. His face twists in anger and his eyes glow red. The robots are in his eyes, they're making him see their lies, not the truth. I cower away as he advances, trying to touch me, to spread the gov-ment lies.

"Look, you crazy hobo, I'm trying to get you to a shelter-" A hand lands on his shoulder.

"Forget it, rookie. You're too clean for him." I stare at the other cop in wonder. His chin is covered in thick, black bristles, and his clothes are covered in stains from food, and he emits a yellow, cleansing light that warms the street up. The robots in the younger cop shy away from him. He is almost divine. No; this man is a god, come here to guide me, the Hobo King. The harsh words die in my throat, and I watch the younger man slowly retreat.

"That's the Hobo King. He thinks that you're filled with robots or something. Like, there're robots on money and in shaving cream that the government puts there. He's a nut." From his words, I know that he knows the truth. He beckons me with a hand that glows with light. I take it reverently.

"Come on, Hobo King, let's get you to a shelter."

"You know the truth, don't you? About the robots in shaving cream?" He nods. I grin, displaying my yellow teeth. He knows, and that's all that matters. I follow him, keeping a wary eye on the younger man. He's a sneaky type, that younger one.

I'm in the hostel, in a room that wasn't covered in robots. Still clean, but not covered in robots. I feel safe in here. The young polees-man can't touch me in here, he can't spread his robots through his skin, can't make them crawl through me. There's a ringing, that signifies that it's time for dinner. I hurriedly scurry out of my room.

When I'm there, I see The Spoon. It deserves that title- it's the spoon to end all other spoons. It glows with light. What else can a man say? I grip it eagerly. It glows with power. I hold it aloft, and start digging into my food. Hot mash vanishes down my gullet, and I feel power flowing through me. The food is invigorating me. Suddenly, the world around me vanishes, and I disappear.

When I reappear, it's to discover myself in some sort of castle. The bench that I was sitting on has disappeared. I frown disappointedly. Was this one of the things that I sometimes did, channeling the glow that's in the air, making it attack? I remember that once. There was this polees-man, clean shaven, trying to get me, to spread his government lies, and I felt the power build up, and I lash out, and what was he? He was a nice plate of potatoes. It was delicious. We ate well that night, me and shaky Dave and Mad Liliam.

"What manner of creature are you?" I turn around, and there's a bloody big white horse looking at me. it has a horn and wings, and its purple eyes regard me with confusion. I almost approach her with a friendly intent, then I see the robots crawling through her skin, and I scream, and the power builds up within me and The Spoon helps me channel it. With a roar of power, the blast lashes out, and it hits her, and the robots don't come closer. She slams into a wall, and I run away, screaming:

"GIET! GIET!"

The place looks so nice, but there're robots everywhere. The Spoon channels my might into cleansing hooch and fire. Soon, the whole place is ablaze. I smash through a window, and I remember when I was ten, when I'd climbed a tree in the park, and I fell, but I didn't break no bones, because Billy walked down the air.

So I walk, in a regal fashion, stepping through the air. Behind me, the castle is in flames. Good. The robots can't get at me now. I have cleansed that area of robots.

Behind me, I hear the beating of wings.

"STAND STILL, VILE MISCREANT!"

I turn and glare at the winged unicorn who tries to attack me. I swing The Spoon up, and her blast just gets deflected. I snort derisevely. How dare this horse contend with the might of the Hobo King? The horse seems surprised.

"H-how can thou just... deflect an attack of that power?" I grin at her, and she shrinks back from my yellow teeth.

"it's quite simple. I AM THE HOBO KING!" With that, I send a wave of cleansing hooch down on the city below me, then send more fire.

"STOP!" Another horse? They're coming out of the woodwork, aren't they? This one's purple. She's glaring at me.

"What possible reason could you have for this? Do you have any idea what you've destroyed? You assaulted Princess Celestia, for Celestia's sake!" I glare at her, then freeze. She's positively crawling with the robots. I shy away.

"GIET BACK! I'll not bow to yur gov-ment robots!" The mare seems confused, but I know better. I know that she's secretly in the know.

"What are robots?" I glare at her.

"I don't believe you! Yu're with the gov-ment, ain't you?! Well, I am the Hobo King, and I will NOT be infected wi' yur damn guv-ment robots!" More cleansing hooch comes out of my spoon, and I ignite it with my power. The power that I've had since birth, the power that the guv-ment came after me for.

I raise The Spoon, and large rocks fall from the sky, burning through the atmosphere, aiming for the purple one. The only thing that can destroy the robots is hooch and fire. She dodges, and I run. I run as fast as I can, and I want to be somewhere else. With a pop, I am. Simple as that.

Canterlot.

Celestia nursed the wound that had been bandaged up. The creature, apparently calling itself the 'Hobo King,' had escaped the night before, seemingly never to return, but they knew better. Canterlot was still in flames, magically enduced flames burning with cheap alcohol. Canterlot Palace was in ruins; they hadn't been able to stop the destruction. Her eyes hardened.

"Hobo King, we will find you."

Oh, delicious hooch.

I reappeared in the middle of some small renaissance town. The robots can't get me here; there's too much good and honest mud and dirt here. I fall to my knees and rub my face in the dirt,to protect myself from them, just in case. The robots are insidious. I then grip my spoon resolutely, hitch up my stained track pants and walk.

Along the way, I see a bunch of horses looking at me. I stare at them. The robots aren't here yet. I cackle and grin, then lift The Spoon to my mouth. My mighty voice booms across the town.

"Hear my words, people! I am the King of All Hobos, and I demand tribute from yer BINS!" That said, I lower The Spoon, and I teleport to the nearest bin. It shall have tribute pouring out of it!

When I reappear next, it is to find that I am behind a dumpster, behind a feckin' gingerbread house. Can I eat it? I take a bite, only to discover that it is only painted wood! The Spoon comes up, and with a flash, the place is now made of gingerbread. It crumbles to the ground, just as a small group of horses jump out. One of them is pink, and eats the remnants of the building.

"Wow, how did you do that? Even Discord doesn't do totally awesome things like that!" I hear a slow clap behind me.

"Oh, hello there. I wasn't expecting a fellow chaos mage here." I turn around to this highly bizarre thing. It grins at me, a snaggly tooth protruding.

"Of course, that might not even be you doing it, it might be your spoon." My eye twitches, and I shove a finger up my nose. When I withdraw it, my boogers have been transmuted into a gun, like the one the older polees-man had. With a thought, it becomes a shotgun, which I cock menacingly.

"So you want to fight? It's been a while since I've had a good one." The creature pulls out a pool cue. I pull the trigger, unleashing a spray of beer bottles. In answer, he shoots his head at me. The resulting explosion releases a shockwave that lifts the entire street up, only it's us doing so. It plops down, and the pink one is acting highly confused. I grin. This battle just got interestin'. Been a while since ol' Billy really cut loose. He can't. Now, Billy, he's deadly in a spoon fight, but he remembers the strange robot things; Billy ate well for a week.

I ditch the gun and fly over to him, summoning a fork and attacking wildly. Unfortunately, he dodges, pulling himself apart, like a . The Spoon helps me to focus, but it's all me. I remember, when that red-and-blue man with the S on his chest tried to get me, but the robots that crawled through his skin enraged me and I turned him into a pie, which I then threw at some street performer. Unfortunately, this man dressed as a bat did summat to him and he came back. After that, I spent a lot of time sleepin' on a train. Then, I teleported away again, away from the strange black man in black who tried to get me to be an 'Avenger' or summat.

"The name's Discord, by the way." With a snap of his fingers, we're on the moon. I summon hooch, which I throw at him and ignite with a thought. Our fists meet, both in huge boxing gloves that crack the surface of the moon. The dark blue one from before appears.

"DIIIIIIIIIISCOOOOOOOOOOOOORD!!!!" We look at each other, then I wave The Spoon. Now, we're on the sun. the huge snake pulls out a piece of shiny, reflective metal and tans himself.

"So, wanna call it quits? I mean, it is a beautiful day today- POCKET SAND!" A disembodied hand appears from somewhere else and throws sand in my eyes. I curse, rolling on the surface of the sun, catching fire. I scream, then an idea comes to me.

"HOOCH!" A wave of hooch appears over me, drowning out the heat. The creature feigns interest.

"How about we change the battle?" At which point, the sun is now covered in water.

"SURF'S UP!" With that, he summons a surfboard. I grip The Spoon, and it turns into a surfboard. I then chase after him, intent on winning.

We surf on the surface of the sun, getting some sick waves. I pass him. Unfortunately, he pulls out a conch shell.

"I summon penguins!" Sure enough, penguins appear out of nowhere and attack me. I retaliate by farting a cloud of hooch in gas form, knocking them out. "HOOCH!" I turn a lighter on the fine mist coming from my prosterior, and I turn into a plane. Behind me, the chimaera flies after me, armed with a pair of rubber chickens tied together by the necks.

I bomb a place that looks vaguely like Russia and land on the ground, avoiding a rubber chicken that scythes through a nearby building. The chimaera nods at me.

"That was awesome, but I'll have to finish this for old Sunbutt. I look forwards to your promising career." I nod, pulling out a trash can. We stare off again, and we clash.

My trash can goes over his head. I then slap it around, prompting an 'I'm Dizzy' comment from Discord. I then throw him away, and then scarper. Cleansing hooch comes behind me in a wave, and The Spoon obligingly turns into a surfboard again for my convenience.

Canterlot

Discord stroked his goatee reflectively.

"Oh, he was good. Not as good as I am, but still amusing." Celestia looked close to a fit.

"He fought you off?" Discord grinned.

"Oh, no, I wasn't fighting him seriously. Then again, it was a duel between two chaos magicians. What else can we do but not take each other seriously?" With a laugh, he teleported away, leaving Celestia to slump. Luna walked in and nuzzled her.

"Sister, although we may not have found the villain, take heart in knowing that the Elements of Harmony would be capable of bringing him down." Celestia shook her head.

"They might, but they'll have to catch him first. This 'Hobo King' is cunning and deadly. We have no idea what his next move might be." She suppressed a small shudder.

"Even now that I know that he was around, I cannot even imagine what's going through his mind."

Hobo King

Cat loves food, yeah yeah

Cat loves food, yeah yeah,

Cat loves food, yeah yeah

I rooted through the trash behind the farmhouse where I'd escaped to. There were so many apples here. I snaggled some and chose to run, holding my hobo bounty.

The glorious tribute was great, and I tore into it with a great hunger. Old Billy remembers, during the times when he couldn't see the robots, having a joint of some green stuff, and it showed him the truth, oh yes it did, showed him the truth that the other people couldn't.

"What are ya?"

It's a southern drawl. I turn, and I have to shield my eyes from these three little horses.

They're so radiant! The robots would have to be suicidal to even get near them. I smile, and they shy away.

"Hey, don't worry kids. Ol' Billy'll tell you the truth about the robots..."