A Pegasus' Guide on How *Not* to Handle Pretty Much Any Situation Ever

by Zaiker42

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Comedy
Length: 3735

A collection of tales about the pegasus "Silverbolt," introduced in the story known as "Wrench in the Machine."

Silverbolt, formerly employed at the Cloudsdale Central Postal Office, is a simple, dark-coated, bad-tempered pegasus who recently moved to the quiet little town of Ponyville. What he wanted was to get away from his irritating problems. Naturally, as all of his plans seem to do, this pretty much completely backfired on him.

{A collection of tales about the pegasus "Silverbolt," introduced in the story known as "A Wrench in the Machine." [Which you totally shouldn't read *cough cough.*] It is marked as "Completed," but will be updated whenever I feel like updating it.}

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-03 20:39:27 UTC

How *Not* to Handle a Trip to the Library

How *Not* to Handle a Trip to the Library

A Pegasus' Guide on How *Not* to Handle Pretty Much Any Situation Ever

Entry #1: How *Not* to Handle a Trip to the Library

****

Tap, tap, tap.

The lone, silver and gold-themed pegasus tapped his hoof on the wooden floor and groaned impatiently. "Come on," he finally snapped, shouting up the stairs. "You've been up there for like, fifteen freakin' minutes!"

A small, purple dragon poked his head out of a door on the top level of the stairs and scratched his head, raising an eyebrow at the pegasus. "Uh... what was it you even wanted, again?" he asked.

The winged pony's face scrunched up in frustration and he smacked his head on a nearby bookshelf. "A book!" he shouted, turning away from the shelf, a noticeable bruise already forming on his muzzle. "I gave you my library card and a sheet of paper with the title on it, and then you *waddled** your little way up those stupid stairs saying, 'Don't worry about it, I'll be right back!' *and then you never came back!"

"Oh yeah," the small dragon said. "Let me get right on that, it'll only take a second!"

The pegasus wasn't even able to reply before the door slammed shut behind the tiny, scaled agent of the devil himself. He sighed and sat down on the floor. He took a few deep, calming breaths and shook his head. He found that he was able to calm himself down rather quickly this way.

He looked around the library a bit, deciding he wanted to distract himself from his exaggerated frustration. He had only been in this place once before, when he had moved to town a little over a week ago. He had actually received his library card from the Princess who inhabited the library, Twilight Sparkle herself. He had, however, only done this after being attacked and accused of being an "intruder" in her home. "How the hay was I supposed to know somepony lived here!? It's a *library*!" was what had immediately shot out of his mouth. Took him almost five minutes to realize he'd just shouted at a Princess. He apologized and she apologized and they had a nice little laugh and then the tiny demon dragon hit him with a frying pan.

That day sucked.

"I found it!" came a voice from somewhere on the outside of the pegasus' easily-distracted mind. "At least, I think I did. Your penmanship is awful."

"Whatever," the pegasus retorted, sneering at the little devilspawn. "So, can I actually have the book now, or do you have to like, hit me with another frying pan before I'm allowed to go?"

"I said I was sorry, like, thirteen times!" the dragon replied, handing him the book. "And you can leave after you sign it out. You know, if you actually write something that looks even remotely like a name this time."

"Rude," he said, still sneering. "So what do I have to sign?"

"This right here," the dragon explained, pointing at a large book filled with names in varied writing styles. "You just have to put your name, the name of your book, the date, blah blah, yadda yadda," he said, mimicking a voice the pegasus recognized as Princess Twilight's.

He shrugged and walked over to the book. "Okay, so I just put 'Silverbolt' here, 'The Rein of King Arthor' here, and 'February 25th' right... here. Perfect," he said, admiring his handiwork.

"'Silverbolt?' That's what that note said? Oh man, I didn't know there was even an 'S' in your name," the tiny hellbeast said, obviously not recognizing the glorious artistic work of the great pegasus master, Silverbolt.

"Oh, ha ha, ha. Guess that's it, then, I'm out of here," Silverbolt said, putting the book in his saddlebag and turning towards the door.

"Hoo?"

"What?" Silverbolt said, turning to see an owl sitting on a perch he hadn't noticed before.

"Hoo?"

"No, I asked you 'what' first. You can't just ask me another question before you answer mine."

"Hoo."

"You! You can't just keep asking questions while I'm asking you questions!" Silverbolt almost screamed at the bird. He was getting irritated again. Curse his short fuse.

"Hoo?"

"Argh! I give up! You win, bird!" he cried, turning and stomping out the door.

The little dragon burst into a fit of laughter and fell over on the ground. "Hahahahah! H-how does everyone keep falling for that?" he asked, holding his gut.

"Hoo."

****

Outside, about a block and a half away, the pony now knownst to us as Silverbolt continued to mumble under his breath as he trudged back to his home, book and saddlebag in tow. "At least I get to go home and just relax," he muttered.

"Mommy, why is that emo-looking stallion talking to himself?" a little filly asked her mother, standing nearby.

"Oh, no reason, honey. He's probably just crazy and/or homeless," the mother replied, before giving Silverbolt a little smile. "The poor dear's probably lost. Or perhaps he's thinking about writing some kind of deep, emotional poem or something."

"I'm not homeless, my hair's just messy! Also I'm not crazy! No crazier than anyone else in this town, anyway..." he called to the two mares, who quickly averted their eyes and sped off down the street. People were always assuming he was homeless because of his uncouth hairstyle. So what if he had a spiky, unruly mane? He liked how it looked.

About twenty minutes later, he was finally approaching his tiny house on the edge of the backwater village. He sighed wistfully and smiled for the first time in what seemed like hours. He headed inside and trotted cheerfully to his bedroom, making sure to carefully extract his book from his saddlebag with his mouth before throwing himself unceremoniously onto his bed.

"Finally," he breathed, turning over on his back and ritualistically opening his freshly-acquired book. "Some time to... my... self..."

He stopped. His smiled melted off his face as if it were molten lava flowing down a freshly blown volcano. He closed the book and directed his eyes at the title.

"Chronicles of Neighrnia: The Princess, the Witch, and the Bathrobe," he read slowly.

To this day, ponies all over Ponyville say that if you listen very closely in the dead of night, you can still hear the faintest echo of his unending, pained screams slice through the still, cool air.

How *Not* to Handle a Rampaging Hydra

How *Not* to Handle a Rampaging Hydra

A Pegasus' Guide on How *Not* to Handle Pretty Much Any Situation Ever

Entry #2: How *Not* to Handle a Rampaging Hydra

****

"AAAAHHHHHHH!" the entire town yelled in unison, running around in wide circles like a bunch of absolute maniacs.

"RRRRRAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" the hideous, giant, multi-headed monster they were all screaming about roared in return.

A moment later, a tired-looking gray and gold pegasus walked out of his house, pushing his hair back into its usual spiky shape. He looked around for a moment through bleary eyes at the panicking townsfolk, then looked up at the Hydra staring pretty much directly at him with all eight of its squinty, snake-eyes. "Oh, for the love of the Sun, this again?" he asked, sighing wearily. "It's gotta be something every week in this stupid town."

The hydra just blinked at him.

"Not much of a conversationalist, are you?" Silverbolt inquired, stifling a yawn. "That's a real shame. Would've liked to see what four heads arguing with each other looks like. Heck, you could probably be your own sit-com, Scaly."

More staring and off-putting, mistimed blinking, punctuated by the sound of ponies screaming their heads off in the distance.

"You're boring," Silverbolt remarked, polishing one of his forehooves lazily. You haven't tried to eat me once yet and we've been standing here for well over a minute."

"What in the world are you *doing*, Silverbolt?!" a feminine voice shrieked from some distance away.

The pegasus in question turned and waved tiredly to his addresser. "'Hey, Lily. Another lively day in the neighborhood, eh?"

"That attitude of yours is going to get you killed one of these days!" the mare known as "Lily" shouted back before sprinting away, once again screaming in terror.

Silbervolt shrugged and turned back again to face the raging beast, who had apparently decided that the concrete foundation currently being divvied up between its four heads was far more entertaining and/or interesting than the snarky winged equine.

"Are you eating a building," Silverbolt said, stating this as a fact rather than a question. "That's... that's stupid. You're stupid. I'm going back to bed," he continued, shaking his head in some kind of twisted disappointment.

The hydra dropped the shards of building from its mouths in shock. The head on the far left started tearing up. The other three noticed this and narrowed their tiny little eyes at the retreating form of Silverbolt. The beast lowered its three angry heads and charged towards the small pony, letting loose a massive and terrifying roar.

Silverbolt sighed and turned his head back to face the monster. "What, you up for Round Tw--" he began, instantly cutting himself off when he noticed the hulking beast getting closer and closer by the second. "--oh sweet Celestia," he whimpered, eyes growing, pupils shrinking, and ears pointing behind his head like razors. He stood for only a moment before turning and breaking into a full-on gallop, shrieking like a newborn foal and spasmodically flailing his wings around like an idiot, entirely forgetting he possessed the ability of flight in the process.

At least an hour passed, and the ponies of Ponyville were now very much interested by the strangely large-scale game of cat-and-mouse being played by a terribly loud pegasus stallion and the titanic four headed hydra chasing after him. Mostly all they heard were perpetual shrieks and roars, but occasionally some of the bystanders could hear some very specific, very odd pleas emanating from the pony.

"Oh Celestia please stop chasing me, Oh Great and Mighty Hydra Guy, I'm so, so, so sorry I thought about calling your mother a cow--oH GEEZ WHY DID I SAY THAT *OUT LOUD?***" was probably one of the more popular lines of the day, and was destined to be quoted by pretty much everypony in town for the next week or so.

Eventually, a new passerby stumbled upon the scene and found herself more than slightly alarmed by what she saw.

"What the heck is going on here?" Twilight Sparkle shouted, watching as a large, familiar-looking hydra chased a small, familiar-looking pony around and around in circles as if it were a dog chasing its own tail. "Why isn't anypony stopping this?"

"Oh, er, like, three of us tried," Rainbow Dash said, looking back at Twilight as she reclined in her favorite lawn chair. "But, you know, stuff happens sometimes."

"Seriously?" Twilight asked, squinting at her friend.

"Ugh. Fine, okay, no one's even so much as lifted a hoof so far. It's okay, though, the gray dude's got the leg strength of half the Apple family put together. Though, now that I think about it, that's probably just the sheer terror and the adrenaline pumping through him right about now... eh, whatever. He'll probably be okay."

"Leg strength? Isn't that Silverbolt, the pegasus that moved here a few weeks ago?" Twilight asked, recognizing the familiar gray and yellow theme Silverbolt had going on. "Why isn't he just... flying away?"

"Silverbolt? Huh, thought he looked familiar. Anyway, I'm pretty sure he's completely forgotten he can fly at this point. He doesn't exactly seem like the, er... what's that phrase you use sometimes? Brightest candle in the tool shed?" Rainbow asked, tapping her forehoof on her hood in deep thought.

"Close enough," Twilight sighed. "How did that thing even get here? And how am I just now noticing it?"

"Beats me," Rainbow replied, shrugging. "But I think it's been chasing him for a good, like... hour and a half, now? He probably went and said something stupid and ticked it off."

"He's been running from a hydra for an hour and a half?"

"Pretty much."

The two turned back to continue watching the monster chase the smaller being, falling silent as the stallion's cries became ever more panicked and nonsensical. After a few minutes of silence, Rainbow held out a small bag towards Twilight.

"Popcorn?"

How *Not* To Handle a Foalsitting Job

How *Not* To Handle a Foalsitting Job

A Pegasus' Guide on How *Not* to Handle Pretty Much Any Situation Ever

Entry #3: How *Not* to Handle a Foalsitting Job

****

"Pfft, don't worry, I can handle her just fine," Silverbolt bragged, waving a hoof dismissively.

"Like you 'handled' that Hydra who came through the town last week?" the other pony, a white-coated, purple-maned unicorn asked, raising an eyebrow.

Silverbolt pretended not to hear any of that and continued on with his own side of the conversation. "'sides, I love kids.They're normally not as terrible to be around as their parents or whoever else. Believe me, Rarity, I'll be able to handle your little sis'. Scout's Honor!"

"Scout's Honor, huh?" came Rarity's less-than-convinced reply. "I don't know, I'm just not sure you'll be able to handle my dear Sweetie Belle all on your own. She's my precious sister and I love her, but she can be quite the hassle to look after."

Silverbolt laughed and leaned towards the unicorn mare, placing his elbows(?) on the table the two were sitting at. "Come on, do I really seem like the kind of guy who would back down from a challenge like that?" he asked, running a hoof through his dark, two-toned mane.

"I... suppose not, no," Rarity responded apprehensively. "I still don't know if I can really trust--"

"Oh, for the love of--it's the mane-cut isn't it? Or the coat color? Look, like I always tell ponies; It's natural. I don't know why it's so dark and to be honest, I feel like I'm copying bumblebees half the time. It doesn't mean that I'm gonna--"

"Now hang on, Silverbolt, I wasn't finished," Rarity interjected, holding an ivory hoof out right in front of the pegasus stallion. "I was going to say that I don't know if I can really trust Sweetie Belle to listen to or cooperate with you. I mean, darling, you're almost universally known as, ahem, 'That One Pegasus Who Ran Away From a Hydra for Seven Hours Straight, Hollering Like a Lost Foal the Entire Time.'"

Silverbolt blinked. "That is literally the most inconveniently extensive nickname I have ever heard."

"That's what I said, too. Sort of. But, nonetheless, that is almost exactly what you are referred to by those who don't know you. Sweetie Belle is, er, one of these ponies. She's actually the only reason I know about any of this. Including the length of time you spent fleeing the Hydra. I mean seriously, seven hours? How did you even manage that?"

"Can we not talk about the Hydra anymore?" Silverbolt deadpanned, casually taking a sip of his nearby root beer float. "It's all anyone talks to me about anymore."

"Um... alright, if it makes you uncomfortable, I suppose I can let it go for now," the mare consented, taking a sip of her fancy-schmancy lemon water with the little umbrella stuck in it.

"I'd say it makes me less 'uncomfortable,' as much as it makes me feel 'annoyed.' Anyway, so what's the final verdict on the Sweetie Belle thing?" he asked, eager to re-rail their train of conversation.

"Hmmm...," was her only reply for a few moments. She tapped her hoof on her chin in thought, before finally saying, "Well, I suppose, if you really think you're up for it... I can let you take care of her tomorrow while I'm working on my latest order at the Boutique. If that goes well, then I guess we'll go from there, won't we?"

"Ha ha!" Silverbolt laughed triumphantly, flashing a cocky smile at the mare. "I won't let you down, Rarity!"

Rarity smiled back at Silverbolt, a little less confidently. "Aha, haa... I'm sure you won't, dear," she replied, once again idly sipping her lemon water. "You'll do just fine, I'm sure."

She wasn't sure at all.

****

"Hi, Mister Silverbolt!" the tiny, white filly called, waving to Silverbolt as she skipped towards his house, lugging along an awfully large backpack.

"Hey, Li'l Belle," he called back, smiling at the little filly, deciding to ignore the bag. "Glad to see you made it here without getting lost or anything."

"Well, to be honest, it's really kind of hard to miss. It's the only house for two whole blocks around here that didn't get trampled by the--"

"Ahahaha, wow, that sure is funny, Sweetie," Silverbolt cut in before she could say the thing. "So, you coming inside? Might be harder to keep track of you if you're out there the whole time."

"Oh yeah, sure!" Sweetie Belle said, almost bouncing cheerfully into the house.

"So, what is it I'm supposed to have you do, exac--" Silverbolt began, stopping as Sweetie Belle unzipped her bag, causing two other fillies to tumble out onto the floor.

"Ow, hey!" a small, orange pegasus yelled, rubbing her freshly bruised cranium. "We told you to give us a heads-up before you dumped us out like a bunch of dumb textbooks!"

"Yeah, y'were suppos'd to tell us 'fore we even got inside!" the third filly, a small yellow earth pony, added. "Ooh, hang on a tick!" she exclaimed, turning her head to her blank flank for a second before sighing. "Darn. No Cutie Mark for 'sneakin' into somepony's house in yer friend's backpack' this time, either," she said, dejectedly.

"Either? Cutie Mark? What the heck?" Silverbolt sputtered, not really understanding what in the name of Tartarus was going on here.

"Oh, these are my friends, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo," Sweetie Belle explained, grinning widely at the perplexed stallion. "We're going to be Crusading for our Cutie Marks while we're here!"

"And to do this..." Silverbolt said incredulously. "... you smuggled these 'friends' of yours into my home as if you were hiding some kind of illegal contraband?"

"Yep!"

"Hey, wait a sec!" the orange filly Sweetie had addressed as "Scootaloo" exclaimed, giving Silverbolt a quick look-over. "Isn't he that one pegasus who ran screaming from a Hydra for a whole day?"

"T'wasnt a whole day, Scootaloo," Apple Bloom corrected, rolling her eyes. "I heard it was a whole forty days an' forty nights, or somethin' in that general ballpark."

"It was only seven hours, you two!" Sweetie chimed in happily. "That's what I heard from Twilight, and she was there when it happened!"

"Wait, the Princess was there?" Silverbolt asked. "The heck was she doing while I was running for my life?!"

"Watching. Laying down. And eating popcorn, I guess," Sweetie Belle replied, mentally ticking off the things she remembered Twilight and Rainbow Dash saying they did during the incident.

"Incredible," Silverbolt solemnly responded, feeling the last bits of his soul disintegrate into a fine powder. "Anyway, what were you three saying about, er, 'Crusading for your Cutie Marks,' earlier?" he asked, wanting to veer this ship off course before the iceberg showed up and plunged this day into even darker waters.

The three simply responded by giving each other knowing grins and nodding.

Silverbolt gulped.

That iceberg was going to show up no matter what, wasn't it?

****

"Oh my god, Apple Bloom, *GET OFF OF THE CEILING FAN!" Silverbolt shouted once more, his breath ragged and forced. "This is the fifth **freaking time you've managed to get yourself stuck up there!*"

"Don't you worry none, Mister Silverbolt, I know what I'm doin'!" the young earth pony replied as she spun and spun like some kind of idiotic ceiling top.

Silverbolt would have responded if he had even been able to hear her over the sound of Scootaloo's mysteriously-and-most-likely-illegally-acquired jackhammer digging him a brand new basement below his old one.

"Oops!" a shrill voice shrieked behind him directly following the sound of no less than thirteen highly expensive plates falling to the ground and shattering as if they were Silverbolt's very hopes and dreams. "I can probably not fix that!" Sweetie shouted again, struggling to be heard over the jackhammer and Apple Bloom's dizzied yelps.

"Oh, come on!" Silverbolt cried, looking up to the sky, as if he were pleading to the Sun itself. A very easy feat to accomplish, as he could see part of the luminescent orb through the fresh hole in his ceiling. "Is it because I was a jerk to my Flight School teachers?! Is this about that chocolate bar I stole that one time?! Just tell me what I did wrong so I can repent and end this madness, once and for all!" he shouted forcefully at the stupid, non-sentient orange ball of fire and gas.

"D-i-i-i-i-i-d h-e-e-e-e-e s-a-a-a-a-y s-o-o-o-m-m-e-t-h-i-i-i-i-n-g?" shouted Scootaloo, her voice vibrating in perfect, unholy unison with the jackhammer.

"What?!" Apple Bloom replied, still spinning around on the ceiling fan.

"What?!" Sweetie Belle called, straining to be heard over all the commotion.

"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Silverbolt shouted in agony, holding his head with his hooves and trying not to think about the colossal migraine pounding at his head like a billion angry earth ponies during harvest season.

****

Meanwhile, a mish-mash of different creatures laid peacefully on his Thinking TreeTM and watched the chaos unfold as if he were viewing some sort of magical T.V. program.

He turned to the pearly white alicorn beside her and said, "See? He 's like a chaos magnet! I couldn't do this to a pony in my wildest dreams! Well, okay, maybe my wildest, but still! It's absolutely delicious!" he stated, casually pulling part of the pony's flowing mane off of her head and devouring it as if it were some kind of celestial cotton candy.

"Oh. Oh, my," was all Princess Celestia could say as she watched the pegasus' ceiling fan detach itself from its wiring and fly free as a bird straight into the unsuspecting stallion's head, sending the filly flying in the process.

The draconnequus roared with such intense laughter that he actually fell out of his tree in the process.

The Princess could only stare in what seemed to be half horror, half amusement at the spectacle before her rose-colored eyes.