Button Mash Plays Fag Hunter
Button Mash loved games. Yeah, he loved games so much that his cutie mark was a videogame controller. With his spinning hat, his crush with Sweetie Belle and lots of wasted allowance, everyone knew who was the brown colt who spent so much of his time on the arcade.
This day, however, Button Mash noticed that a new videogame machine had just been delivered. There was a symbol of a stallion running with a scissor on its side, the huge name “Fag Hunter” written on the top of it.
Delivering the game was a pony using a jacket, wearing a shirt with the symbol of an alien beneath it. He also had a smile button on his jacket, his mane and facial hair being brown. He was hearing glasses, seemingly satisfied in getting the delivery done.
“Hi ya.” Said Button Mash, approaching him. “Hmm… I don’t remember seeing you here.”
“Ah yes. Nice kiddo. I am the Dude.” The stallion answered. “This… is just my gift to appease those whinny soccer moms.”
“Oh. Can I play it, mister?” Button Mash asked with bright eyes.
“Sure kiddo. Blow it out of your ass.” The stallion answered, picking a huge bag of tokens from nothing and giving it to Button.
“Right. Thanks mister.” Button Mash smiled. However, Button smile suddenly noticed: “Wait, where is Mr. Dazzle, the owner of the store?”
“Ah him. He had some… err… problems. I am sure he is everywhere right now.” The dude said, a bit worried. “Listen kiddo, you want to play games or not?”
“Ah yes! Don’t mind if I do!”, Button Mash shouted, as he jumped and started playing at the arcade immediately.
Button Mash eyes where almost falling out of his eye sockets. He was playing so much he was almost collapsing… but he never had so many tokens before.
“This game sucks…” said Button Mash. “Kill stallions dressed as woman and you win. Miss and hit one stallion normal stallion, and you are back to the beginning.”
“The only weapon that is worth something is the knife and the scythe… and everytime I throw the scythe I always end up back to the beginning!” Button Mash shouted, visible annoyed.
“Why give me a bazooka if I am not meant to fire it? Stupid developers!”, he continued whining.
“Button… what are you doing?”, asked a voice behind him. Turning back, he saw his friend Shady Daze standing. He was looking curiously at Button, never seeing him so 'lost' in a game before.
“Ah, hiya.”, Button Mash answered. Giving a small smile, he decided to put some envy in his friend: “I am playing a new amazing game!”
“Oh really? What is it’s name?” Shady Daze asked.
“Fag hunter.” Button Mash answered, pointing at the screen: “Look at those graphics. It’s not like that stupid Space Invaders thing.”
“Ugh… a bit more gory too.” Shady said shocked, feeling like the blood was almost jumping from the screen. “My God, did you just behead that stallion?”
“Ah please. We do far worse things in on our tabletops RPGs.” Button Mash answered. Picking what remained of his bag of tokens, he souted: “Look at how many coins I have!”
“Seriously? Can I play too?!” Shady Daze asked smiling. It did seem kind of fun, in a special deranged way.
“Sure. Blow it out of your ass.” Answered Button Mash.
“What is an ‘ass’?” Asked Shady Daze confused.
“Hmm… If I am not mistaken, I think it’s some kind of an animal.” Button Mash answered, putting a hoof on his mind. “Anyway, it sounded cool when the guy said it, so it must be something cool.”
“Ah right.” Shady answered. “That works for me!”
Together, the duo started playing Fag Hunter all day long…
“This is boring.”
Button Mash said. He and his friend Shady were now standing on the grass outside the arcade, without anything better to do. Their big sack of tokens had all been used, so they sadly couldn’t play anymore.
“The first time we have met a cool game, this happens!” Shady Daze shouted. “It’s not like that unrealistic Street Pony Fighter.”
“So bored… there must be something we can do.”, said Button Mash. “Can’t you buy more tokens?”
“Nope.” Shady frowned. “I already used my allowance.”
“Oh.” Button Mash said, almost falling sleep. Suddenly, his eyes got wide, following by him jumping up and shouting: “I have an idea!”
“Really?” asked Shady Daze. “What is it?”
“Do you remember when we role-played to be pony fighters?” asked Button Mash, jumping happily.
“Oh man, really!” Shady Daze jumped up too, also excited. “It was so cool… It was very fun! Too bad we got into trouble when you accidentally kicked Twist on the nose.”
“It was not my fault!” Button Mash defended himself. “I couldn’t expect that you would dodge my flying kick. Also, it was not me who hit Cheerilee in the middle of her legs.”
“HEY!” Shady Daze shouted. “She picked me from behind. I accidentally remembered Phony Cage from Mortal Pony.”
“Well, no matter. What if…” Button Mash announced, the sound of a drum coming from nowhere… “What if… we role-played to be fag hunters?
“Oh boy , that would be awesome!” Shouted Shady Daze. “Count me in!”
The two boys quickly went to their homes, preparing themselves for the role-playing session of their lifetimes…
After gearing up, Button Mash and Shady Daze went to the park. They were currently wearing brown jackets and dark glasses, walking sternly through the park.
“Boy, we look so cool!”, shouted Shady Daze.
“Yeah, look at us.”, said Button Mash. “I am the Dude. Hahahahaha!”
“So uh… we just keep walking around?”, asked Shady Daze. “That is a bit boring.”
“Well, we need to wait for a fag to appear.”, said Button. “They usually appear a few minutes after The Dude appears.”
The duo kept walking around the park. After a few minutes had passed, Button Mash said: “This is boring. There are no fags on Ponyville.”
“Don’t worry, I am sure that one is bound to appear.” Shady Daze answered. “Trust Role-play magic!”
True, role-play magic fixed everything! Button closed his eyes, letting his imagination fly. When he opened up, he saw a lot of stallions with lipstick walking through the street.
“My Celestia… look Shady, look at how many fags!”, shouted Button Mash.
“I cannot see them.” Said Shady Daze.
“Use Role-play Magic!” Answered Button Mash.
Shady Daze then closed his eyes for a few moments… when he opened again, he saw a lot of gay stallions going through the park.
“I can see them too!”, said Shady Daze.
“So uh… what we do?”, asked Button Mash?
“Here.”, said Shady, handing to Button Mash a pouch.
Button Mash put the pouch on the ground, quickly opening it: there were a lot of knives inside. “Woah, where have you got those?”
“I plundered my mom kitchen.” Shady Daze answered proudly.
“Won’t she be angry with you because of that?”, answered Button Mash. “Mine don’t even let me enter the kitchen.”
“Ah, don’t worry. I told her I needed weapons to kill fags, and she said “Sure, look I have better things to do, go play with your friends.” and then “Look, I don’t care. Do what you want, but scram.”. I am sure that means she doesn’t mind it.” Shady explained.
“Cool.” Button Mash answered. "I was worried for a minute. It would be very wrong to disobey our moms."
Getting together, each of the duo picked a knife, immediately starting to slash against the imaginary fag stallions. The imaginary fags began trying to run away, only to be caught it and struck down by the two heroes.
“I killed two!” Button Mash shouted, cutting into pieces some imaginary stallions.
“And me five!” Shady replied, swinging his knife at the hair like he was hitting a lot of ponies.
“Keep hunting, I am sure we can do it!”, shouted Button Mash.
Sometime later, the two ponies were sitting on the ground, looking pretty tired.
“This RP was wild, wasn’t it?”, Button Mash asked.
“Yup. It was the best.” Shady answered. “Too bad Role-Play Magic power ended.”
As they waited to recover their stamina, they suddenly heard a voice coming from pretty close:
“Hello guys.” They saw Snails coming near. He was wearing female cheerleader clothes when he approached.
“Dude, why are you dressed like that?”, Button Mash asked. “Yesterday when Twilight was here you were still… normal.”
“Ah, I am Glitter Shell now. I have just found out yesterday that I am transsexual.” Snails said.
“Huh, dude, how did that work, exactly?” Shady Daze asked.
“Hmmm... hormones.” Snails just answered, blushing.
The two just kept staring at each other, visible shocked. That... was not something they were expecting to see. Suddenly, Snails asked: “So uh… what are you guys doing?”
“We are playing Fag Hunter!” shouted Button Mash. “It’s very fun.”
“Yup. We have killed over forty fags by now!” continued Shady Daze.
“Oh… can I join?” Snails answered. “I hope me coming out of the closet doesn’t put a problem on that.”
“Actually, it does.” Shady Daze frowned. “You are a guy, and are dressed as a girl, therefore you are a fag. You cannot be a fag and a fag hunter.”
“Hey, wait Shady…” Button Mash said. “Perhaps he can join as one of the bad guys!”
“Huh, that is true. That is perfect!” Said Shady Daze excited. “You can be one of the fags!”
“Huh, cool.” Snails said, still a bit slow to understand things. “And what do I do?”
“First, you run.” Button Mash said.
“Oh, like this?” Snails asked, starting to move slowly away from them.
“Now, we throw knifes at you!” Shady continued, picking a knife and throwing it at the colt.
The knife went spinning towards him, hitting Snails straight on the neck. After it struck, it was only possible to see the handle outside of it, a red line falling from the opened wound. Snails immediately fell down, a blank stare on his face.
“Hmm… he is not moving anymore.” Shady Daze said, approaching Snails corpse. “Shouldn’t his body fade away like the others?”
“Well, I guess we just need to wait him for him to respawn.” Button Mash replied. “Remember, the game told us that fags are magical creatures that revive after they are dead. I don't think it would lie.“
The duo kept close to Snails body, waiting for him to inevitable respawn. After waiting a few minutes, Button Mash continued: “Still, I must say that it was faster on the game. Maybe it's taking more time because he was a player?”
“You know, on the game there was a lot of fags, not just one.” Shady Daze pointed out. “Perhaps we could try to find more of them?”
“Hey guys, guess what?” The duo suddenly turned back, only to see Snips also approaching in mare clothes. “I have decided to come out of the closet: now I am now Sugar!”
“So, what you guys think?”, the chubby blue pony smiled.
Button Mash answered by throwing a knife right on his head, stacking it on the middle of the skull.
“Uhh… if you guys didn’t like it, you could have just said so!” Sugar answered angrily, before also collapsing.
“See, two points now!” said Button Mash. “We are pretty good on this.”
Shady Daze approached his two ex colleague bodies, staring at them. Flies already started moving close to the bodies. “Err... shouldn’t the game have cleaned them out by now?”
Button Mash answered: "Hmm... if they were players, maybe they are just waiting for the round to end. That could explain it."
As they were thinking about an explanation for their friends bodies still being on the ground, another of their friends, Rumble approached. He was also using lipstick and eyelashes.
“Hey guys, have you seen Glitter Shell? I have decided to confess my feelings for her. <3” Said Rumble, even more emotive than he already is.
“Ah, hi Rumble.”, answered Button Mash. “You are also using female clothing.”
“Yeah, it’s comfy.” Rumble answered, proudly. “I have decided to follow her example and also came out. :D”
Button Mash and Shady Daze stared at him thought a few seconds, before Daze asking: “So… does that mean you are a fag?”
“Huh, I guess so…” Rumble said with a frown. “You guys are still my friends, right? ;_;”
“Sure, we love it!” The two shouted in unison, before giving a high five to each other. “That means you can play too!”
“Yeah. I want to play! 8D” Shouted Rumble.
“Here!” Shady Daze shouted, throwing a whole scythe at Rumble. The blade went straight, cutting his body through the middle.
“Huh… I don’t think I like this game that much…” Rumble said, before falling in two perfectly pieces. His guts and blood spread through the floor, a mess truly hard to see.
“Eeeewwww… gross!” Button Mash shouted, closing his eyes. “Also, what the…? Where did you get that scythe?”
“My mom kitchen. It’s funny how many things I can find there.” Shad Daze explained. “Well, I have to say that this roleplay is being very realistic right now. Even better than the game.”
“Dude, what is this smell?” Pipsqueak asked, coming from behind them. Indeed, the scent of Rumble's guts was hard to stand to.
“Oh, hi Pip. We are playing fag hunter.” Answered Button without much regard.
“Huh, really?”, Pipsqueak answered curious. “How does one play?”
“Well, we find if somepony is a fag.” Explained Shady Daze. “And then we throw a scythe or knifes at them until they collapse.”
“Oh I see. Can I join?” He asked, his eyes shining clearly.
“Sure. Are you a fag?” Asked Button Mash.
“Huh, no… but I can be! From now on, I am the biggest faggot who ever existed on this world. All will tremble when put alongside my supreme faggotness! Ha,ha,ha!” Pipsqueak shouted, even a thunder falling as we pronounced this words. Suddenly, he turned back and said: “So uh… what is a fag?”
“What do you think Button?” Shady Daze asked, confused.
“Well, it will do.” Button Mash said. “He has determination, I have to give him that.”
“Yay!” Pipsqueak jumped happily in the air… before receiving a knife straight at his head. “Huh, why I am always so stupid?” he asked in midair, before falling dead.
“Well, I guess that is it. I cannot imagine any other fag from our school friends.” Button Mash said.
"To be fair, I knew Rumble was a fag before we came out. Who else speaks like that?" Shady Daze confessed.
“How about in Ponyville? There must be plenty of fags there.” Button Mash suggested.
“Hmm.. .that may be promising. But I am finding it boring being a hunter.” Shady admitted. “We just throw knifes. There is no creativity in that.”
“You want to try to be a fag?”, asked Button Mash.
“Sure, why not? Everyone we met until now sucked.”, replied Shady Daze. “I will show you how fag true acts like: I am currently imagining myself dressing like a girl and kissing dudes. I can see the faggotry raising through my blood levels!”
“Alright!” shouted Button Mash.
“Yes, I have rolled a 20 on faggotry level!” Shady Daze shouted happily… only to receive a knife in his chest. Staring blank, he turned at Button Mash and said: “Huh, I think the other role was cooler.”
Button Mash could only watch as his best friend feel on the ground. Suddenly, he finally understood what terrible thing he had just done:
“Hey Shady. Shady! Oh no, he must quitted the game...” Button Mash said in tears. “What should I do? This game was more fun on multiplayer. Now I am all alone...”
Button Mash was so sad. How was he going to play alone? Suddenly, he had a realization:
“The game only ends after twenty fags are dead… so if I want to bring him back, I must win the game!” Shouted Button Mash. “Of course, how did I not see it? This is why the others haven't respawn yet. Ponyville, here I go.”
Button Mash happily picked the pocket of knives and the scythe, going to the village and continue the role-play of his life.
Button Mash was currently standing on Ponyville court. The entire town was shocked over the rampage that the little boy had just promoted in their little town. His mother, Mileena, was crying uncontrollable, wondering what terrible fate was waiting his son. They were all ready for the sentence that this mass murderer deserved.
“I see. So not only you killed Snails, Snips, Rumble, Pipsqueak and Shady Daze, you also went and killed other forty ~~background~~ ponies, such as Big Macintosh, Braeburn, Lyra, Bon Bon, Vinyl Scratch and Octavia.”, the judge presiding over the case began speaking. “All of them just for being ‘fags’, ‘gay’ or any other pejorative term that is highly reprehensible.”
“It’s not my fault that my knife slipped and hit Big Macintosh, sir. I really thought he was gay. I then had to pick twenty more just to win the game!” Shouted Button Mash in tears from the defendant chair.
"And why did you kill mares such as Lyra and Bon Bon? I thought that you were hunting only stallions and colts." Asked the presiding judge.
"Well, I asked if girls could be fags. Vinyl turned to me and said "Sure, why not?"" Button Mash defended himself.
“You stupid bastard… that was never a game. You killed a lot of your colleagues, neighbors and citizens of this city. What you made would make even Jack the Pony Ripper proud. You are the symbol, the perfectly example of what evil true is. The whole world would be happy if ponies like you ceased to exist! You better be ready, because you will feel the entire rule of law on your shoulders!”, shouted the judge angrily.
“Gulp.”, Button Mash could only answer.
Everypony on court stared straightly at the judge, prepared finally for the sentence that would carry Button for the rest of his life. It was finally the time, justice would be served!
“For that, I should condemn you to over a thousand years in the moon.” The judge said firmly. He then added: “However, since you are a child and our law is just plain retarded, I can only put you on community service. The court is dismissed.”
The judge pony then lowered from the bench, adding: "If you guys excuse me, I am going home now to blow my brains out. Have a happy monday."
The entire town could only stare at the sudden ending. Button Mash’s mother quickly ran towards him, giving him a heartfelt hug. Next, their lawyer approached them with a huge smile, saying: “It’s a good thing that Celestia, when she was a filly, had accidentally set Canterlot on fire… otherwise laws for foals would be far more rigid.”
“Huh huh. That is lucky.” Smiled Mileena, showering her son with kisses.
“Still, I hope you now know the danger that videogames represent to our society. Just a small look through history shows that every tragedy that happened through the world was linked to videogames. I have a pretty strong theory that Discord actually played Pong, and King Sombra had lost many moments of his youth playing Pacman. That is how dangerous those things are.”, the lawyer announced. “For that, we need powerful laws banning videogames from wherever they are, because they are a case of public security that should be controlled , and we need to have a powerful state to fight against potential security issues because security is important and we need to fight for it because it’s the job of the state to be powerful enough to guarantee the security and we should then give the...”
While the lawyer was busy doing his speech, the entire court, Button, his mom and everypony else had already left their room.
As Mileena and Button Mash returned home, Mileena said: “Well, I am so happy everything went okay for you. However, I am still bothered with you being a serial killer so I am grounding you: one month without playing in the arcade.”
“What? NO MOM!” Button Mash shouted.
“Also, no more senseless violent videogames. From now on you will only play the games that I say that are okay.” Mileena continued.
“Buaaaaahhhh!” Button Mash started crying.
A month later, Button’s mother, Mileena was busy deciding the birthday gift for his son. Still remembering his promise, she was going to make sure she would pick the right game to him:
“Yes, that is the perfect game for my little Button.” Mileena said triumphal.
“Hmm… how old is he?”, asked Mr. Waddle. The old colt decided to start a game selling stand, but his vision hadn’t got any better from before.
“Ah, he is old enough. He will enjoy it.”, Mileena answered.
“Very well. That will be two bits madam.”, Mr. Waddle continued.
“Here.” She said, putting two coins over the stand. She then picked the game, reading out loudly: “Assassin Creed. Perfect!”
Author's Note
“Disclaimer: This fanfic is satirical in nature, based on my own deranged sense of humor. Please don’t take it seriously.”
