1950's Era Mob Boss In Equestria

by AuTiSm

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Crossover, Human
Length: 2212

Tony Soprano Gandolfini was the leader of a vicious New York mob that doesn't take crap from nobody. They've killed countless people and got away with it. But will the princesses put up with their arrival easily?

Tony Soprano Gandolfini was the leader of a vicious New York mob that doesn't take crap from nobody. They've killed countless people and got away with it. But will the princesses put up with his arrival easily?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-11 14:10:02 UTC

Taking Out The Trash

Tony Soprano Gandolfini sat alone at his desk facing a large window overlooking New York City, another average day for him in his luxurious criminal lifestyle. His brief moment of bliss was obstructed by the sound of the doors at the other side of his luxury penthouse opening.

"The fuck is it now?" Tony asked in his New Yorker accent, before turning his rotating chair towards the intruders, who were members of Tony's gang, dressed in the fedora, suit and tie combination that has become almost symbolic amongst gangs across New York. One of them was totting a Tommy gun with a drum magazine, whilst the other had no weapon except for a pistol barely visible attached to his belt. However, the teenager they brought with them was what really caught Tony's eye.

"Mr. Soprano, we got this kid who wants to speak with you. He works at one of those bars you own." The one with the pistol said, pushing the young teenager they brought with them to the front of Tony's desk.

"Is that so? What's your name, kid?" Tony asked before reaching to one spot of his cluttered desk and pushing several pieces of paper out the way before he picked up a cigar and a lighter and began to puff out smoke from the premium grade Cuban goodness.

"My name's Zach, and I must say, I'm a huge fan of yours Mr Soprano!" Zach said enthusiastically, Tony merely nodding.

"That's great, kid." Gandolfini replied, taking his cigar out of his mouth as he glanced at his gang members at the other side of the room shiftily.

"You know, I want to be a director..." Zach said to him, his eyes wandering across the room as if he was in deep thought.

"Like I give a shit. The deformed kid who cleans my fuckin' gutters wants to be a director. You got an idea for a movie?" Tony said to him, his voice slightly muffled by his hundred dollar Cuban cigar planted in his mouth.

"Well, I thought about making some wild western movie where people shoot each other up."

"Seems like my kind of film then." Tony responded, slightly chuckling to himself with his cigar placed in between his index and middle finger. "I still wanna know, why the hell did you come to me about being a fuckin' director?"

"Well..." Zach responded, his eyes darting around the room and sweat beads starting to form near his neck. "I kinda need you to borrow me some money..."

With the final sentence, Tony's eyes opened wide. "Why the fuck you want money from me of all people? I know I'm rich, but do you think there's a chance in hell that I'll give some money for a film to you of all damn people? I don't even know you!"

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." Zach said to himself as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a gun. In a flash, he shot twice, killing the two bodyguards of Tony's as he pointed towards Tony who was reaching for the pistol he'd leave under his desk in case of emergencies.

With a loud bang, Tony felt a terrible pain reach his neck. He knew it was over, until he started seeing, like, seven thousand Power Rangers walk into the room. After that, he noticed he was tranquilized as the unstoppable tiredness traced down his neck as he slowly dozed off...

****

"Really? Boss said he wanted us to come up with a believable reason why you'd waltz on into his room and distract him before you tranquilized him. And you came up with a fucking movie of all things?!" Secret agent Tyler Perry said to agent Zach, anger obviously present in his voice.

"Well, we got him anyway..."

"Yeah, thank God for that, you know he's clever! If he thought so, he could have had his bodyguards shoot you just because he thought you were suspicious. He's a heartless bastard you know?"

"Well, fuck you too! The only thing you're good for is cross-dressing and acting like a sassy black lady."

"HEY! It was better than any movie you could come up with!"

"I really doubt that Tyler. Anyway, they should be testing the dimension warp device on him soon."

Tyler Perry and Zach temporarily set aside their differences and walked into the giant facility and down the halls until they reached the main testing room, where doctor Evil Von Baron prepared the device. The main testing room was as white as a KKK rally and had only one main attraction, the large wheel looking device which had a bed placed in the middle of it, being supported by a single metal pole that would make for the coolest fucking pole dance ever. Especially since the wheel was glowing.

Laying on the bed was a tired looking mob boss, who was still too disorientated to know what was happening.

"Are you sure about this?" Lead researcher Nicholas Cage said, holding a pen and paper in his hand as he was preparing to write notes of what will happen.

"Absolutely positive! We'll die quickly!" Evil Von Baron replied.

"What the hell?! I don't wanna die! Don't push that button!" Nicholas said, trying to swat away the professors hand but to no avail.

The colors of the room were distorted in seconds as the glowing wheel turned colors from blue, to the colors of the rainbow. Nicholas and Tyler both shit themselves at what happened next, the bed in the middle of the wheel all of a sudden became vacant as Tony was sucked into a vortex at the other side of the room. The room began to shake uncontrollably as Tyler, Zach, Nicholas and Evil Von Baron all lost balance and fell over. They were being sucked into the portal! They gripped onto the tables that were built-in with the ground as their pants flew off their legs revealing Tyler's red spotted underwear as all of their pants flew into the portal. Evil Von Baron was only barely able to push the button on the table and stop the chaos as they all fell to the ground and the colors in the room turned back to normal. They were safe, but the only question was, where did Tony go?

****

Tony was falling into a town as he tried to flail his arms like a bird and save himself. Eventually, Tony mastered the art of gliding as he began to slow his descent into what would be a comfortable landing into the town square. As he approached the ground, his jimmies were rustled to infinity as he spotted the inhabitants, talking and flying ponies. 'The fuck?' Tony thought to himself as he landed in the town square.

"Alright you motherfuckers, where the hell is my stress pills?" Tony yelled aloud, getting the local populace to scream their asses off.

****

Celestia had heard it all, weird insect-like creatures attacking during the recent royal weeding. Minotaurs getting pissed off at her people, but this took the cake, a strange biped gliding into her town square. She was truly baffled, and the creature was apparently dangerous, having knocked out several of the guards attempting to restrain him.

She had scheduled a meeting with the creature in the dungeon for later that day, and was slowly starting to regret it. The creature was twice as high as her ponies and even slightly taller than her. But, she must know why the creature would attack the guardsponies and why it thought it seemed fit to cause mass-panic throughout Equestria. She also wanted to know where it came from and why it was talking about "Power Rangers" once it landed. But that would have to wait for her later as she prepared for what would certainly prove to be a very interesting period of day-court with the subject of an unknown creature being the main focus.

****

"This is like some sort of freak show, ain't it?" Tony thought to himself, sitting on the very small bed he was supplied with inside of his dungeon. His eyes were focusing on the grimy walls.

How dare they put him inside of a dungeon? Gandolfini is known for his vicious tactics to acquire freedom, like that time he busted out of The Rock, he couldn't handle that overly dramatic experience that his arch nemesis Micheal Bay produced. He had bad run-ins with Micheal Bay before, but each time it ended up with his mobsters literally exploding.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a cigar from it's box, which the guards luckily didn't take away. The same couldn't be said for his gun however. He cursed under his breath as he noticed he had nothing to light it with as he put away the cigar.

"This can't get worse..." Tony said to himself, resting his head inside his opened palms. Just as he thought to himself in an overly cliched manor about how it couldn't get any worse, it got worse. He heard hooves approaching him, and he knew that with hooves came horses, and with horses came STDs. He learned that the hard way a few years ago...

Anyway! The hooves came closer and closer as Gandolfini tensed up in fear. The hooves reached it's peak as he noticed three ponies, with horns and wings on them. He also noticed the crowns sitting on their heads which gave him a pretty good guess that he was about to meet royalty. That was a first for him...

"Hello, my name is Princess Celestia, this is Princess Luna who is my sister, Princess Twilight Sparkle and this random guard who... What the hell are you doing here?" Celestia said to a day guard of hers, dressed in the standard golden armor.

"Oh! Sorry!" He said, sprinting towards the exit.

"That's right! Motherfucker..." Celestia whispered the last sentence under her breath, but it still got her glares from the other members of royalty.

"So, let me get this straight. I finish having the creepiest dream 'bout some goddamn Power Rangers fighting Al Assad on top of the flaming wings of a faggot, and then I wake up in the ass end of nowhere talkin' to some goddamned ponies! Fuck my life." Tony Gandolfini said to the princesses in front of him. "So, what's for lunch? I'm fuckin' famished.

****

Tony sat at the elegant dinner table and ate from his golden plate a various assortment of vegetables. Fuck that. He's a real goddamned man. And real men eat some fucking steak.

"So let me get this straight, you don't have steak?" Tony asked the cum-colored princess across the elegant table.

"No mister Tony Soprano Gandolfini, we do not have steak." Celestia responded.

"Please, just call me Tony. And may I ask you how you people live on eating motherfucking flowers? This whole place is like Bambee all over again..."

"Well, unlike your omnivorous species, we gain great amounts of nutrition from flowers."

"Whatever..." Tony said, pushing his empty plate away from him and wiping off a bit of salad dressing off of his expensive tuxedo. It was then he caught sight of something great. It was a sharp knife laying on the other side of the table, and not sharp like meat cutting sharp, I mean sharp like flesh cutting sharp. "Hey, could you pass me that knife over there?" Tony asked, pointing at the one he had picked out.

"You mean this one?" Twilight responded, pointing at a particularly sharp knife right next to her.

"What do you think Mace Windu? Hand me the fuckin' knife already." With that Twilight levitated the knife towards Tony, eliciting a very strange response from Tony, who sat on his chair staring at her telekinetic grip. Tony eventually ignored after realizing that was one of the least of his worries as he grabbed the knife and jumped on the table.

"Alright everyone, this is a robbery put the tiaras in the..." Before he could finish, he noticed someone else open the door at the other side of the elegant dining hall.

"Alright everypony, this is a robbery. Put the waifus in the bag." Was what the orange and blue Pegasus said before grabbing Twilight and holding a knife to her neck.

"The fuck? This is my robbery, and I'll be damned if you could walk on in here and steal the spotlight... Bitch." With the last word, Flash Sentry broke out in anger and charged at Tony who drew back his knife and cut straight down the middle of Flash's head, leaving a long trail of blood. "That's what I thought, bitch..." Tony said, pulling out a cigar and smoking it.

From the back of the room, just as he thought things couldn't possibly get worse, he got bitchslapped by Sean Connery. "That's what you get for calling The Rock a bad movie. You little bitch." He said, spitting on Tony's knocked out body.

Out of nowhere, a lightsaber came and slashed Sean Connery in half before the saber went back to it's source, Kyle Katarn. "Jan, prep the Raven Claw for take off, I got a feeling thing's are going to get pretty nasty around here..."