Your human and you - Gryphon half a chance

Chapters

Gettin' My Fix
Welcome to your... doom?
Bathtime in Gryphon's... well!
You want to put that WHERE?!
Bow chicka bow wow~
Abracadabra!
I Had A Dream
Flappy Princess Unicorn
Just can't have a normal day...
There is research to be done...

Gettin' My Fix

The collar was tight around my neck. It smelled like it was new leather, solid and aromatic, and it was stiff like iron. It had become a familiar, almost comforting sensation over the last few days. The few times it had been removed - to be adjusted, whilst I was being hosed down, or otherwise inspected - had begun to feel more strange than the endless hours with its presence.

I shifted in my crate as the journey continued. It was cramped, dark and fetid, but then that had been pretty much the status quo ever since I'd appeared here in this place. One minute I'd been walking down the thoroughfare, the next I was stumnling around in an endless desert - that had been my introduction. Stupidly enough I'd pulled off most of my clothes to get out of the heat the first day, had almost frozen the subsequent night, and by the middle of the next day, with no water, I'd been half naked and almost dead.

And then the ponies had found me. Small, pastel-coloured ponies. Small, pastel-coloured ponies that could talk.

That had to be part of the hallucination, right?

At first I'd been glad to get out of the sun - albeit that I'd been delirious, thinking the box was some sort of deluxe sauna and spa - but then hours later, after realizing that I'd just been thrown unceremoniously into a box which was neither well ventilated nor all that cool, and after being rudely awoken by a bucket of not-really-that-clean hopefully-water, I began to take real stock of where I was: stuck in the middle of a wagon train seemingly straight out of old westerns, right down to the canvas-covered wagons, inside a crate stacked amongst a series of similar crates, all with at least one human-like creature in them.

The odd thing was, none of the humans could talk… and that wasn't all: with my throat too parched to even attempt speech, I hadn't realized at first that I couldn't either. It had only been after being stiffly reprimanded by application of a long, thin whip to my butt, when I'd tried to almost drown myself with water - too much water after dehydration is almost as bad as too little - that I'd discovered that something, some force, was mangling any attempts at conversation.

All I could manage were 'ooks' and 'eeks' at best, grunts and other bestial snarls at worst. None had engendered either sympathy or interest in any quadrapedal or bipedal bystander, and after the regrettably quick pit-stop at some remote oasis, I'd been left to experiment with the full extent of my muteness. There wasn't much else to do in that cage.

I could harrumph, click my tongue or cheek, whistle, and do a number of other less useful noises, but not speak. The second I tried, it just came out as babbling and growls. I could, however, hum. This had caused a few angry bellows and hammerings on the metallic supports of the wagon, and after seeing a human beaten to death by my captors and then left in the desert for fighting back, I wasn't about to push my luck.

I took to humming quietly to pass the time, there wasn't much else to do. At least not in public.

.oOo.

I got up to somewhere above nine thousand bottles of beer on the wall when the two slavers - they may have been pony-shaped, but they were still slavers - called a halt and the canvas covers of the wagon-train were removed.

Harsh sunlight streamed down through the copious airholes, half blinding me, and I found myself moaning in concert with a good hundred other humans. At least… they looked like humans, kind of, though I was beginning to have my suspicions.

It was when the boxes started lifting into the air all by themselves, accompanied by multi-hued glows of light, that I knew something truly strange was going on. As if the intelligent pastel miniature ponies weren't enough.

...Give me a break, I was suffering heat stroke and exhaustion. Clearly.

From there it was a simple case of being hauled out, hauled to my feet by the same magical force that had moved and then unlocked and opened my cage, and attached by chains to a long, hefty wooden pole along with a number of other humans.

At least one human started hissing, spitting, growling and swiping once we were free of the cages. He was swiftly put down by one of the chain gang bosses - I hoped not permanently, but he certainly didn't get up again after being zapped - and then removed from the group. After that, the whips cracked and we started moving.

Our destination was a square amidst a number of dull, sandy buildings, with a largish wooden stage set in the middle. Steps at both ends made climbing up and down relatively simple, and two wooden stakes with sturdy looking metal rings at the top and bottom were obviously for showing off the more rowdy individuals, of which there were plenty fenced off in an area adjacent to my own.

For my part, I had been thrown into the middle of what looked to be a male-only corral sunk several feet into the hard-packed clay ground. Eyeing the smooth walls that had short but sturdy fences around the perimeter, I decided that escape wasn't really going to be a thing. At least not unless I could persuade the guarding ponies - they appeared to be tiny little unicorns; their ability with magic confirmed it, amazingly enough - to look the other way whilst I clambered on another human or otherwise managed some sort of extreme parkour maneuver and hoisted myself out.

Any nascent plans didn't matter anyway, as I found myself soon enough hefted into the air by the same magical telekinetic force that had confounded me earlier and floated towards the stage. Dropped unceremoniously at the steps, with the last shreds of my clothing ripped away leaving me wearing nothing but my birthday suit and the collar, I was prodded to get up on stage.

Reluctantly, I ascended. Thinking furiously, I tried to speak to the assorted ponies, dragons, gryphons and other bipedal, quadrapedal and even hexapedal characters which milled about.

"Marrwrrrgrrrmrrrggrrllbbrrrgg!" I babbled.

Well shit.

Then I tried clicking my tongue. Nobody apparently matched the clicks and clocks to S-O-S.

Damn. Nothing.

Then I tried humming - god save the queen sounded rather quietly from my nasal cavity, which only got amused glances from various members of the crowd.

Things weren't going so well. Well, at least they can hardly get any worse, I told myself. To my credit, it took me less than a minute before I realized quite how tempting to Fate that must have been.

A gryphon stepped forwards; his eagle-like upper body plumage was a royal red, and his leonine rear half was a dark, glossy sable. "One thousand bits for this… musical fellow!" he exclaimed, in perfect English. I wasn't quite sure how I was understanding this all if they couldn't be made to understand me, but that didn't change the fact that I could. "I shall have him for my daughter, Princess Gilda Annabella."

Looking at each other, licking their lips as if to silently ask whether they could perhaps bilk a few more numbers atop the zeroes in that sum, two of the slaver ponies cleared their throats at almost the same time.

"We, ah, regret to inform you--" began one, a jet black, muscle-bound pegasus pony.

"Don't, Tar, just don't," said the gryphon, sighing. "You have brought this human before us, you intend to sell him. I have offered more than a fair sum. And if you get your accomplices in the crowd to bid against me I shall have your ears." The gryphon fluffed up his neck feathers and lashed his tail angrily. He looked up into my eyes, narrowing them for a moment, then looked back to the pony.

The first slaver pony - apparently called Tar-something, probably after his jet black colouring - gulped, loudly, fluttering his wings. "Y-yes, sir, Lord Abraxis, sir. B-but we m-must caution you, he is a male--"

"I am aware of his sex, Tar. I have purchased several males from you before." Abraxis' tone was withering.

"A-and if he is for you d-daughter then--"

"Oh look at him, he's a charming young fellow. I think I can tell--"

It was now, I must sadly add, that I made a simple mistake. You see, I didn't intend to let myself be purchased. I am forced to admit that I snapped my teeth at him.

"A-and w-we would be r-remiss in our duty i-if w-we didn't--" Tar was already saying, when the audible snap! of my jaw coming together rebounded across the square, and the sun glinted off my canines.

The silence, as they say, was deafening.

Abraxis' neck feathers momentarily fluffed up, then smoothed themselves down again. "Hmm. Yes, I see. Have him gelded at once. That should make his temper more agreeable. Female humans react badly to other females at times, a gelding will be that much more docile for my princess."

Ohhhh fuck.

I did the only thing I could think of. I bolted.

Unfortunately, they were more than ready. Moments later - before my feet so much as hit the ground from the savage leap off the stage - twin telekinesis fields formed around my body and lifted me high into the air, where I hovered, helpless, as I tumbled end over end. I quite nearly assaulted the crowd with bodily waste when a large pair of what looked to all the world like garden shears were produced from somewhere.

I may have started bawling. I am not proud.

"You blithering idiots," hissed Abraxis, swatting away the tool contemptuously. "Do you want him to be scarred for life? And I don't mean physically! I don't care how good your healing arts are, any animal treated like that is going to be scared, vicious and extremely untrusting after you're done with him."

Phew. This was sounding better all the time. Listen to the fellow, he knows what he's--

"No, I shall show you how it is done, and in the future you will use my methods. I cannot believe you have been so barbaric for so long… shameful!"

He's a nutcase! A looney! Don't listen to him!

I kicked my legs, whirled my arms, clawed my fists… but nothing helped. Dipping a claw into a medicine pouch of some sort on a utility sash placed around his neck, Abraxis then jabbed a talon into my thigh. I hissed in pain… and then very rapidly found myself relaxing as a pleasant warmth filled my body.

Oh, look at that… the blood from my leg just floats all around like a big balloon… how silly! What was I worried about a minute ago? Oh, I'm sure it doesn't matter...

I giggled. Abraxis patted my head with a talon, fondly.

"See? I can supply you with some of this potion, for a low price." The gryphon's eyes sparkled with glee as he spoke. "It works wonders on the livestock. It's a very powerful analgesic. Mixed carefully, it merely dulls pain. Applied liberally as a paste, it can completely remove sensation for longer periods of time. Mixed and dosed incorrectly, however, and it can cause your humans to be irritable for up to seven days afterwards."

Oh, so he was giving me magical cocaine? Well sign me up, if it felt this good and all I got was a bit grumbly afterwards, what was the harm?

Gently, Abraxis pushed my body to the ground from where I'd been pinwheeling and enjoying the sights. "Hold him fast, now. See here? Pinch above the testicles, draw them down nice and tight."

I squirmed. I could kind of feel what he was doing, but for some reason it all seemed rather silly. They were touching me in my no-no place. I giggled again. No-no place felt good.

"Then, once you have a good hold of them by the sack, make two small incisions… like this… and then just ease the testes out. See?"

I couldn't really see through his big catbird butt, but I could kind of feel how he was using his talons to expertly slice something open.

"Oh, yes, my lord!" exclaimed Tar.

"It will leave a much more aesthetically pleasing result than hacking the lot off like some savage." Abraxis kept up the monologue as he worked with his claws and talons. Two swift jerks later, and he held two small, pinkish fleshy orbs before the slaver ponies and the startled crowd. "Like this, they are suitable for serving as sweetbreads should your clientele so desire it. And the required healing is merely a matter of sterilization and a few days of careful cleaning." He tossed the two spherical objects into his beak and chewed them thoughtfully for a few seconds before swallowing, making smacking sounds with his tongue. "Mm, they are best when fresh."

Picking out a small bottle from his belt of interesting items, the gryphon doused both his claws and my now somewhat bloody yet deflated private parts in what felt like alcohol. He then wiped his claws together and stretched, returning to all fours. "If you wish, you can trim the scrotum - they make good coin purses - or you can merely leave the wounds to drain, or stitch as you see necessary. I know some of you ponies prefer a human that doesn't have such visible genitalia, but be aware: if you remove the penis too he'll not remain house-trained. Get him up, now."

I giggled again as Abraxis took a few steps back, releasing his grip. A coin purse. My sack was going to be heavy with coin. I felt, I reasoned, very light headed. And light of step. Staggering, I almost fell, but swiftly felt a unicorn's light magical touch again. My center of gravity seemed off, somehow… stepping gingerly a few feet forwards, I muddled through why it felt strange. I put my hands to my crotch, they came away somewhat pinkish. I scowled as the gryphon swatted at my hands.

"No!" he said.

I blinked. I started moving my hands to my crotch again. He swatted me again.

"No! Bad… human!" Turning to the slavers, he chuckled. "They do have to be watched if you're not going to seal the wound magically. They can do themselves a mischief, the poor things. It takes them a while to calm down once they've been fixed, but all in all I find the results far more pleasing with proper surgery. See? He's already a lot happier, aren't you? Hmm?"

I cocked my head at the gryphon as he starting warbling my way. I giggled, and warbled back tonelessly. "If you'd taken your shears to him, he'd be shaking, screaming and wailing in a corner somewhere. Isn't that right, boy, hmm?"

He nodded his head. I nodded mine. I warbled again. A swift swipe at my hands stopped them roving. Then, ever so slowly, the world tipped upwards and went black.

"Oh dear. Tar, Sandy - one of you - bring him to my carriage. I won't be requiring a cage. The ones you have are filthy anyway. Ladies and gentlecolts," the gryphon said, turning to the crowd, "I bid you adieu. Happy bidding, and remember, make sure your humans are spayed or neutered unless you want them breeding. Ask for my personal vet if you don't want these… gentlecolts to do the job."

The crowd roared in laughter as Tar and Sandy blushed, then the latter of the two exerted his telekinetic field around my prone body again, and trudged after Lord Abraxis.

.oOo.

Ow. Ow, ow, ow.

Dimly, painfully, reality reasserted itself. And by reality, I meant the twisted, bizarro world of ponies, gryphons, dragons and unnecessary medical procedures in which I'd found myself for the last few days.

I closed my eyes, curled up and planted my face into the floor of the coach I was riding in. On any other day, I'd have been yelling, "No, no, no, no, no!" As it was, I was grumbling, growling and grunting.

A gentle claw patted me on the back. "It's okay, boy, you'll be fine. You'll feel much better in a few days."

I wasn't so sure. I rolled over, feeling mighty sick, and peered down at myself; they were gone! snacked upon! I didn't have the balls for it. I'd never grow a pair. They weren't made of… wait, this world probably did implants, but actually getting brass ones sounded like a bad idea.

...and the magical medicine was wearing off. And I was feeling… rather bad. Really rather bad, actually. Rather… oh goodness…

I scrabbled weakly at the window of the carriage, heaving, and Abraxis only just managed to call a halt before unceremoniously opening the door and all but throwing me out as I threw up.

I lay there, shivering, as nothing but yellow bile painted the dusty, windswept scrub and Abraxis stood above me, staring down coldly.

From one previously apex predator to another, I can assure you, a gryphon standing over you when you've just thrown up, have just spent the best part of a week being dehydrated and starved, and not to mention you've just been fixed is enough to break the strongest alpha male.

...which I think we've already established I wasn't. Not any more, at least.

I started to cry.

"Oh… bother. There… there, human." Abraxis patted me gently again, before calling for an attendant to clean me up some and fetch a bowl of water. I hiccuped as I snatched a drink, still fearful of his countenance, but more confused than ever. He was being… kind.

As I hiccoughed, I dropped the bowl on the floor. Abraxis snorted. "Accident prone little devil, aren't you?" He blinked. "Accident? Hmm. Accidental." He turned to me, and lifted my chin up carefully with a claw. "I think that's your new name. Dent. As in accident. As in accidental - I heard you humming."

Accidental? Was that some sort of musical thing? I blinked. He was naming me after a musical pun? Shouldn't my name be… Killer, or Fang, or Captain or something more heroic and masculine than that?

"Yes, Dent it is. Come on. If you're feeling better, Dent, then let's move on. But do tell me if you're feeling sick again, hmm?"

Bugger.

Welcome to your... doom?

Your Human and You: Gryphon Half A Chance
Chapter 2

.oOo.

Once again, the private carriage of Lord Abraxis trundled to a halt. I woke up with the final jolt from the brakes, sprawled haphazardly as I was across the floor on the plushest sheepskin rug I'd ever encountered… and yes, I'm not going to think too hard about where it came from, in a world of talking animals and non-talking humans, and assume it was donated in some fashion. Shut up.

Outside, the sky was thinking about getting dark. I was used to travel taking an hour or two and then just being there, wherever it was I wanted to get to. This new world, I was learning, wasn't quite so advanced. Travel had taken all day - in fact with the state I'd been in from the happy juice, I was left wondering whether we'd been travelling all night and this was the next day. I dimly remembered various pit stops along the way, even the shrill whistle of a train, and multiple times when they'd simply left me outside on a blanket with just a bowl of water for company whilst my new owner and his entourage were off doing… whatever it was he did. I gathered he was a trader.

I hadn't been tied up once, and I hadn't fought back nor been difficult when herded back into the carriage, and we'd swiftly continued on our merry way each time. Some of you may be wondering why I didn't run, if I'd had the chance. I mean, obviously some of you are going to be slow on the uptake, so even if I wasn't aching in a very personal place and reduced to a painful waddle instead of my normal confident strides… where would I run to?

And so it was that the final stop ended rather anticlimactically at Abraxis' relatively palatial estate, where with a curt "We're here", Abraxis himself got off, clicked his beak for me to follow, and strode into something that could have come straight from some Victorian Age novel.

I wasn't sure what I'd been expecting. If I'd not been brain-addled from hormonal changes - oh boy were there hormonal changes - I could have probably made a far better guess than either the 'fairytale castle' or 'foreboding rocky canyon' I'd settled on as being most likely. If I'd just stopped to think, I would have noticed that the carriage, for example, was hardly bedecked with skulls nor was it powered by the ground bones and wailing spirits of a thousand wailing demons. Instead it was outfitted with comfortable, plush, wide bench-seats and pulled by a friendly two-pony team known as Bubbles and Frankly, who appeared to both be on first name terms with their boss.

And it was clear they were employees, not slaves. For a start, both of them were still male. Somehow I was beginning to smell it.

My decision to not be an idiot was borne out once we were home and strolling about the gardens, when he proudly presented his newest acquisition to his daughter - though I couldn't tell gryphon sexes apart - Gilda.

"What… is that," the gryphoness said coldly, snapping her beak at me. I cowered back, scooting behind Abraxis' wings.

"Ah, my princess, here is my present for you! I have been promising you a surprise for your hatching day and I finally found the perfect specimen. Allow me to introduce Dent!" With a flourish, Abraxis pushed me gently forwards with a wing until I stood, quivering, between two apex predators bedecked in tearing beaks, rending claws and shredding talons.

"He stinks," I was informed.

Abraxis rolled his eyes. "Yes, well, I am sure he'll clean up nicely. You may use some of that aromatic perfume I procured for you a few summers ago that I notice you still have; it'll soon leave him with a more agreeable scent." He waved a wing about airily as he began to circle me speculatively.

"...So we're not going to eat him?" asked Gilda, eyeing me thoughtfully - and worryingly - with more than a little hunger. This was definitely going further and further South…

"My dear child, if I merely wanted him for meat his carcass would even now be curing in the cooling wagon with the rest of the supplies. Neither am I intending to use such a sport for breeding purposes. If I had, his ears would be tagged like the rest of the bulls and I wouldn't have had him fixed to be suitable for my princess. Now, demonstrate your alpha position so we can teach him his place and we'll take him inside and fix us some supper whilst he entertains himself. Here, feed him these."

Abraxis' tone was no-nonsense, he was obviously tiring from his daughter's attitude. Moments later, I found myself all but flung to the ground as Abraxis curled one huge talon around my chest and laid me out flat with an easy, slow twist that could have sheared metal beams. I may have christened his otherwise immaculate lawn.

"Come, come, we don't have all day," he added, impatiently, still holding out a packet of something towards his daughter with his other foreclaw. I would have taken a closer look, but I was too busy staring at the inches-long talons.

"Ugh, do I have to?" Gilda rolled her eyes.

Abraxis nodded, not that I was paying much attention. I was paying far more attention to how his talons were mere millimetres away from my jugular, and praying that he wouldn't have some sort of involuntary twitch. His talon was swiftly replaced with his daughter's, and then the younger, smaller female gryphon was leaning over my prone body, eyeing me sideways like a hawk.

"He iff faffer cufe," she said, through some sort of meaty stick placed in her beak. She lowered her head, twisted her beak this way and that and forced some sort of meaty pepperoni-type snack between my lips, pushing down far enough so we were almost kissing, and then let go and lifted her head up. For my part, I was speechless, frozen to the spot.

"Good girl. Now watch him until he eats. If you feed him, you are demonstrating that you're his pack leader and we won't have any obedience issues later."

"I know Daddy, I have had a pet human before! Augh!" Gilda's neck feathers fluffed up in annoyance.

"And you fattened that one up nicely, but this one won't be on the menu, so I just want to make sure we get off on the right talon." Abraxis’ no-nonsense tone was still full of infinite patience… and they were going to eat me if I misbehaved. Check.

Very quickly, I chewed on the pepperoni stick-thing and endeavoured to look as submissive as possible. If I'd had an assault rifle and battle-armour, maybe I could have done something. Instead, I had a war-wound and a collar.

Dent like nice Mistress! Dent good slave! Dent happy!

"Ah, wonderful. He likes you!"

Gilda stared down at me again as she removed the claw, nudging me to get up gently, and I thought I saw something approaching… affection, cross her features. "Ugh. Fine. I'll keep him."

"Then let's head in. Let's you and I give Dent a bath and I can tell you all about my trip. And you can tell me all about your recent trip to Ponyville."

.oOo.

Have I said I was exhausted? And did I mention the hormonal changes? Because both were swiftly becoming a thing. Nevertheless, I stumbled after my new owners into the mansion.

I think I've mentioned how I expected it to be some sort of… giant nest. In a tree. Or something. It wasn't. It was a neat and orderly - if large - house which wouldn't have looked out of place in some European period piece, right down to the plush velvet drapes and thick carpets.

I was dragged by the leash to a fully tiled washroom and dunked unceremoniously into a large metal tub. Once there, I was simply flipped onto my back so Abraxis could check out his handiwork again and, once pronounced fit for bathing, sat up and covered with warm water.

Spluttering and complaining weakly against the soapy suds, I didn't really listen to their chatting. Apparently Gilda had got into a spot of bother with her best friend from some boarding school - a pegasus with rainbow hair, if my ears weren't deceiving me - and it had all ended badly. Abraxis had succeeded in opening a trade route with somewhere called Zebrica and was now trading across three countries, including Equestria and Gryphonia. So all in all, mixed fortunes.

I stopped listening though. The hot water was a soporific and not only released the tension in my knotted muscles but, as my two attendants gently but insistently started scrubbing away the days of sweat, dirt and other detritus that only a naked trip through a desert and a brief sojourn in a filthy cell with no plumbing can accumulate, was doing the one thing I hadn't thought to be ever possible any more: I was truly beginning to relax.

Well, passing out might be more exact, but I'll take what I can get.

The last I heard was an indulgent chuckle from Abraxis. "Oops, it looks like we've lost him. I'll fetch the pet-bed."

.oOo.

The world returned to me in fits and starts. First of all, I was lying down. Secondly, I was in a bed, warm and cosy under a blanket. Having spent the last… week? Longer? marinating in my own stink, I was also acutely aware of being clean. For a brief moment, my hopes rose - I had visions of hospital and then a swift return to sanity - but then I felt the weight of the collar around my neck.

In a panic, I reached down between my legs: through a brief blast of pain, I discovered they were still gone.

It's hard to explain what it's like to be neutered. As a man, you don't exactly spend the whole day aware of your balls. They're just there. Sometimes they itch and you scratch them. Sometimes they hurt and you massage them a little. Sometimes they just need a bit of rearranging.

So okay, we're actually aware of them quite a bit. But not all the time. My statement stands.

Now, however… my sack was empty. It was still tender and sore, but it looked like a deflated balloon. I swear my junk had shrunk, and despite minor swelling, it was clear my scrotum had too. I was gaining a weirdly smooth look - as if nothing had ever been there in the first place.

I slumped back down in the bed, tears rolling down my face, glistening on my skin like diamonds in the strange, flickering lighting of whatever odd, arcane lighting this house had. I dabbed my fingers at them and held them up, lost in their reflections: I was stuck in a world full of huge, meat-eating apex predators, able to kill, gut and disembowel their prey with only their talons. And they'd cut my balls off. Unmanned me. Neutered me.

Even if I made it home now, what would I be? My clothes were nothing but a distant memory, the collar didn't seem to want to come off - maybe it was magically sealed against tampering? I'd probably be stuck with it forever - and I think we've already discussed the aforementioned lack between my legs. If I could magically return myself to my home world - because it was clear I wasn't in my own world - then I'd be a pariah. I'd never live it down what had happened to me, if they didn't just section me.

I kind of wished the gryphons would just finish me off.

Maybe I could kill myself, save them the trouble. I poked my head out of the comfortable bed-basket I'd found myself in, looking for things to kill myself with. The first thing I found was a water bowl. That would do it.

SPLONG.

Ow.

I rested there for a few minutes, just thinking. Then I took a sip of water, since the bottom half of my face was close enough that - if I pursed my lips - I could drink. It wasn't, of course, deep enough to actually drown myself. This would take some--

SPLUT.

Ow.

Okay, so the food bowl wasn't going to work either.

I munched my way through a few mouthfulls of what tasted like meaty jerky-balls, and then just lay there, sobbing quietly into my meal. I felt like death warmed up and pissed on, and it wasn't likely to get better. A few minutes later and my attempts to induce death from overeating of cold, chewy hopefully-meatballs was rudely interrupted.

"Daadddyyyy, I think my human's broken!" cried Gilda, startling me. I hadn't even heard her come in. Not that I cared. I was going to kill myself by drowning my face in meatballs and that was that.

A few moments later, I heard the unmistakable sound of claw and pawsteps making their way nearer, and then the cover was lifted off my bed and what I assumed were Abraxis' claws gently maneuvered my body so he could see his handiwork. It was startling how gentle the gryphons could be when they wanted.

"Well he's not sick; he's healing up nicely and in a few days will be right as rain. I think he's just a bit poorly, he needs a few days to adjust don't you boy?" I felt Abraxis' tousle my hair before he moved up and away to talk to directly to his daughter. "You should take him for a walk."

"Ugh! Do I have to?"

"Yes you do."

"Fiiinnneee. Come on, Stupid."

A leash was clipped to my collar - I could tell by the yanking around - and then an insistent tugging slowly dragged my heavy, dead-weight body across the floor.

"Poached feathers, you're such a pain."

There was a sound not unlike laughter from the father, only with more squawking. "Always have a few treats with you, my daughter… here, try these," Abraxis said. I heard somethings land on the floor. Peering blankly at the nearest one, I realized they were little bone-shaped chews. If he thought that was going to work…

"And if that doesn't entice him, then a swift belt across the backside will get him moving."

Sigh. Carrot and stick. I shouldn't have been surprised. Fiiiinnneee. I would get up. If only because I disliked pain, and being dragged across the floor was also hurting parts of my body that had already been somewhat abused. That, and I really had to go and didn't fancy going on the floor… not that the thought hadn’t occurred to me. A small measure of revenge, perhaps. Then again, I found that I couldn’t really even muster up enough energy to even do that.

Reluctantly, and eking out every single treat I could - hey, free snacks are not to be sniffed at - I followed my mistress out of a room which was bedecked in pinks, yellows and satin and into a wide world full of greens, browns and blues.

.oOo.

I hate to say it, but the walk was doing me good. Getting me out of my shell, as it were. Of course, I was still naked and that was awkward as all fuck… but with the injurious injury done to my most private of parts, things weren't the worrying level of embarrassing you may expect.

Also it was cold.

Shut up.

As I wandered around the estate, dutifully following my owner, I realised that the gryphons had seemingly perfected the assembly line. There were humans everywhere, and they were involved in completing thousands of menial little jobs, each one simple enough for these brutes - they certainly weren't intelligent like me. Their eyes may have been bright, but though the lights were on, nobody was home - to master.

They also stunk, and I mean farmyard stunk. The kind of stink that has city slickers puking by the side of the road whenever they play pretend at a dude-ranch. These humans were cattle, nothing more. Except… suddenly the cattle-sheds ended, and we were walking past an entirely new type of enclosure: there before me were hundreds of females, each in their own little pen, or sometimes in small family-type groups with youngsters.

And then I did a double-take, though a moment later I wondered why I'd been surprised. There were geldings - I suppose they should be called that, unless I was going to call them and myself steers - in amongst the females. They seemed to be used as friendlier, stronger, working beasts than the females. They were also… gentler… than the males in the furthest of pens.

The males - bulls, the gryphons had called them - were cordoned off, each to their own pen. They were rather incendiary in nature, from what I could see. Every time a female was paraded past their pens, each one would go wild, trying to get up out of their enclosure to…

...Ah, yes, and some had given up with the escape idea, and settled for the next best thing.

"Filthy creatures," murmured Gilda. "You're not like that, though, are you, Precious?"

'Precious'? I asked myself. What happened to 'Stupid'? I looked up at her suddenly, to find her appraising my body. It wasn't overtly sexual, but… I did feel a kind of pride emanating from her.

"I hate to say it, but my dad the dweeb bought a real champion. Too big for the shows, though. Stuffy idiots wouldn't know real form if it ripped out their eyes and shoved them up their collective butts, would they, Dent?"

I was speechless.

More so than I already had been.

Shut up.

"Oh, the girls are going to be super-jealous. I bet even Dash'll be jealous! My own human!" Gilda glowed as she crowed.

Was this 'Dash' a boyfriend? Should I be jealous? I mean, Gilda was… mine. I mean I was hers, but you know what I mean.

...And just like that, I realized what I was: I was a pet. More than that, I was a valued, expensive, pet. These gryphons didn't look at me and see 'ruined male'. They didn't look and see 'subjugated, pathetic, scarred barely-human' at all. They saw 'handsome prize specimen'. I was… wanted.

Really, really wanted.

More than that measly 9 hour shift flipping burgers. More than that stint delivering unwanted junkmail. I was desired. I was prime cut. What the hell did I have to sulk about? ...And if I could be made to understand that I was the human equivalent of Secretariat, then… then maybe they could be made to understand me.

This hell could, just perhaps, be made a bit more like heaven, as long as I could really shake this funk that getting fixed had dropped me into. For all I knew it would get worse. I'd heard about people getting suicidal if they got their balls cut off, and as shitty as my previous week had been, I didn't want to end my life just yet, though with eunuchs through history being a major thing, that seemed to be more a product of my modern world's hangups about sex and sexuality in general than any rule of human animals.

Maybe the gryphons could even do something about it! After all, there did seem to be magic in this world. There had to be at least testosterone supplements or something, seriously! There was light at the end of the tunnel, and it might not even be a freight train coming the other way...

"Yeah, I'll keep you. Just don't tell dad he did good. He'd never let me live it down," said Gilda, grinning. "Dweeb," she added, stroking my hair. "Come on, Stupid, let's go home again… and this time, aim for the sandbox. I am not cleaning up after you."

Bathtime in Gryphon's... well!

Two weeks.

I'd been trapped in this plush, well-upholstered, warm and comfortable hell for two weeks. I paused my contemplation, yawning, whilst I scratched myself then eased deeper into my cushion-filled basket, rearranging my blankie. Two weeks, or so. I hadn't really kept check, and each day was pretty much the same as I settled into a routine: wake up, food. Lounge around, food. Tease the locals, food. I was starting to get a bit pudgy, and it didn't help that whenever Gilda got back from… whatever it was she did - probably disemboweling small animals for fun and profit, knowing her - she did always take me for walkies. Not that I couldn't take myself for walkies. I just… still felt a bit self-conscious. I was, after all, butt naked, other than the collar, and it didn't really cover much.

Again, shut up.

You may think living a dog's life is awesome… and it kind of is, in places, but things do grate on your nerves after a while.

After a hard day of doing bugger all, I decided it was a good time to have a real, hard, solid sulk by contemplating how awful things were around here.

At first I thought it was the food that was the worst - cold meat jerky for every single meal gets really old after the tenth straight day - then I thought it was the nakedness. Naked isn't sexy, I felt like one of those mole-rats, just without the charm. But, after a certain amount of soul-searching, I decided that bathtime was the worst.

"Oh, look at him! He likes water, don't you boy? Who likes the water? Oo wikes water? Das a good boy!"

I turned around in a huff. Gryphons were large, vicious, bloodthirsty, apex predators able to rip, rend and tear the flesh from their prey in seconds with their razorsharp talons and wicked beak. They were grade-A scary.

Until they started baby talking.

"Oo's got a rubber ducky? Oo as? Oo as!" There was a splash, and something small and yellow floated towards me.

I did not want a rubber ducky.

I flicked it away. They flicked it back. This continued for a few moments, before I picked it up and stared, having realized what I was looking at: this was a duck. A rubber duck. A yellow, rubbery, faux waterfowl. True, it was made from neither rubber nor plastic, instead it felt like some sort of odd silicone, but… it was a yellow toy duck.

Inconceivable!

I squeezed it. It wheezed wetly. Looking on the bottom, I expected it to say 'Made in China'. It didn't, but I did a double-take at 'Made in Prance'.

"Oos own widdle ducky, huh? ...I don't think you're getting that back, Garnet."

The other gryphon - apparently Garnet, though I still couldn't tell one gryphon from another very easily - snickered. "I'll go find him some more toys once he's out. Come on, time to rinse him off."

...I take it back. Being towelled off and pampered by gryphons is the worst. Ugh. I collapsed into my bed and pulled the blankets over my head and closed my eyes.

Life was settling down to a strange, new level of 'normal', but even as my living conditions improved, I was starting to feel worse. As I closed my eyes to sleep, I found myself hoping I'd feel better the next day.

.oOo.

I didn't feel better the next morning, at all. I was feeling worse, much worse.

My eyes stung, my head was spinning, my throat was dry and everything ached. Groaning as I gained consciousness, I pulled my blankie over my head. Why was it so thin? Why was it so cold all of a sudden? Why was the light so bright? Why could I taste the colour yellow and why was I hearing green?

As I lay there shivering in bed, I heard Gilda stomping across her bedroom towards me.

"Daaaddyyyy!" I heard her cry out, distantly, "I think Dent is sick!"

Time passes strangely when you're sick. You wake up after hours, and don't realize time has passed. In my case, I figured out something had to have happened when all of a sudden it was dark and I was surrounded by ponies and gryphons - one of the ponies was a unicorn. I shied away from him, scared he was a slaver like the last ones from the desert. I clambered out of bed, but fell, a cry caught in my throat. I rolled, shaking, from fear as much as the cold. I curled up under Gilda, my Gilda, clinging to her foreclaws.

"Heelllpp meee!" I mumbled, then felt what vestiges of strength I'd had left leave me.

"Did you--?" Gilda asked.

"What's that, princess?" asked Abraxis, turning from where he was talking with the ponies and another gryphon.

"Daddy? I think he…" Gilda shook her head, fluffing her feathers out. "Naah. Daddy, what's wrong with Dent?"

"Well, it looks like he's sick, peach. Human distemper, probably from the filthy conditons those traders had him in. The kindest thing is--"

"No!" screeched Gilda, rearing up and spreading her wings. "No! You won't put him down!"

"Darling, it's for the best. He's really very sick, and--"

"No! He's mine! You gave him to me! I'll look after him until he gets better!" Gilda beat her wings in quick succession for emphasis, then took a deep breath and dropped to all fours. For a moment, she was silent, then added, "A-and i-if he doesn't, th-then he doesn't, b-but you gave him to me! You can't take him away!" Gilda bent down and, with one claw, snatched me up. She tucked me into my basket, and threw her own duvet on top of my blankie. "I don't care what you say! He'll get better! I know it!" Through my rapidly rising fever, I felt a claw gently tap my head.

"But…" Abraxis began, then he took a deep breath and sighed. "You are correct, my dear. I will do everything in my power to make sure he recovers but--" he shared a glance with the vets, who shook their heads, "--be prepared for the worst."

"I don't care what you say," hissed Gilda. She turned to me, putting one claw gently on my head again. "He's going to get better. H-he has to. I haven't shown him off to D-dash, yet. I h-haven't taught him any tricks or anything. He can't die. He… he just can't. Promise me, Dent," she whispered, leaning close. "Promise me you won't die."

I looked up at her, weakly, as the fever overtook me, and did my best to nod.

"Daddy, fetch one of those bottles they use on calves, would you? I don't think the ones we have for the foals or human pups are big enough. J-just put some cold water in it, would you?"

I could have sworn Abraxis' beak turned up at the edges, and he smiled indulgently. "Your wish is my command, princess. Rubin will fetch it." He nodded at the other gryphon who had been bathing me.

As blackness overtook me, I chuckled throatily. At least now, at the end, I would know his name.

.oOo.

The next few days were nothing but mad, whirling fever-dreams punctuated by brief periods of lucidity, wherein I was dragged outside and swiftly encouraged to 'do my business' - not that I needed much encouragement, I was so weak and sick I wanted to waste as little time as possible watering the flowers - before being carried back in again. It's not to say Gilda was rough, but she didn't waste time with mollycoddling.

They had medicine, herbs and whatnot, and they helped, but for the most part, things just had to run their course. My dreams were full of rumbles of thunder and flashes of lightning. Strange screeches punctuated the air, I wondered at times whether this was what my Gilda sounded like without whatever magic filter had been put between my ears. There were odd flashes of cars driven by dogs, and cats flying planes. Houses melting like jello and trees growing out of crystals. Strange, snake-like beings with the heads of goats, wings of bats and all manners of mismatched parts… one in particular sauntered past wearing a top-hat, twirling a cane.

"Oh don't worry," he said to me, devouring a slice of cake in reverse, his accent strangely British and formal, "I'm not about to let you die. Besides, we both know you're not from here. You're close enough it'll make you really sick, but you lack something it needs to take a real hold. It's just giving you a wicked fever and these amazing hallucinations. Thank you for them, little Denty-poo, I do so enjoy fever dreams. Ta-ta!"

Of all the insane visions and madness my boiling brain was subjected to, the walking pile of animal parts was the craziest. Surely, even in a world as mixed up as this, nothing that strange could possibly exist.

.oOo.

When my fever finally broke, it was midnight. Well, without a clock, 'midnight' means 'the time of the night when every normal person is asleep and it's as dark and as cold as fuck'. Though that last bit was almost definitely the sickness speaking, it certainly was nippy. I decided it was midnight.

I shivered, rubbing my arms. My skin prickled with cold, and the last vestiges of fever. Everything still ached, but… I was feeling permanently lucid. Weak, but lucid. I was wrapped in something very warm, soft and feathery. It took me almost a minute to figure out that I was actually wrapped in a Gilda. The gryphoness had dragged me to her bed, snuggled up against me, and wrapped us both up in her wings and blankets.

Now that I thought about it, I had fleeting images of receiving beakfuls of water and mushy food… I wasn't sure if they were real, but I could believe that whatever had really happened, it had been something equally tender, or at least functional. In her own strange way, she loved me. Despite everything they'd done to me, these gryphons loved me. Like we humans loved our pets. Thinking about it, what had happened to me was probably karmic justice for getting Roxxo snipped… and for not letting him eat from the table.

Feeling decidedly introspective, I eased myself out from her embrace and sneaked out of the room. Shivering, I made my slow way through the house until I reached one of their odd little squat-toilet things.

I could have used hers, but… she'd not given me permission. Or something. I owed her for taking such good care of me. Shut up.

Once there, I did my business and wiped myself off as good as possible, washed off my hands and body as quickly as I could - the water was cold, and it made the night air even colder, but quite frankly I stunk - then made my way, shivering and shaking with every step, back to my mistress' bedroom.

I squeezed in through the door as quietly as possible, but Gilda was a gryphon. Her eyes watched mine silently as I snuck across the floor. Before I could sneak into the bed, she snatched me up and pulled me to her in a hug.

"I knew you'd make it, Dent. I knew it."

I tried to say thank you, but I was still too tired, so I did the next best thing, and tried to just purr. It didn't really work, but I think she got the message, and she held me closer. As I drifted off to a much healthier, more normal sleep, she chirped softly to me.

Just as warm, loving darkness took me, I heard her say, "By the way, you talk in your sleep."

Wait, what!?

.oOo.

Morning, when it came, passed me by. I didn't wake up until early afternoon.

I wouldn't have gotten up yet, either, but nature was calling hard and fast again. I wrapped my blankie around myself for warmth, then snuck through the grounds again until I found the facilities. When I came out, it was to a small crowd, featuring both Abraxis and Gilda.

"See, Daddy? I told you he was smart."

I froze, shivering. The next few moments would secure my fate.

"Hmm, I see. Well, my darling, I am glad to say I was wrong about putting him down. I don't know how he managed to escape the distemper for his entire life until now, but I am glad to see he survived it. I think, though, you should help your wandering pet back to bed. He's still got a lot of recovering to do."

Okay, maybe the next few moments.

"But Daddy! He knows how to use--!"

"Gilda, he is an animal! They can be trained to do very simple jobs, but nothing more!"

Dammit.

"But Daddy, I heard him!"

Abraxis sighed, then stared at me. "Okay, then, Dent. My daughter says you talk. Of all things. Say something. Speak!"

This was it! Finally a chance! I opened my mouth.

"Ooo oo ee ee aa aa!"

I clapped my hands over my mouth, wincing, eyes wide. Well ting, tang, walla walla bing bang.

Abraxis sighed. "Very droll, though I do appreciate a lightening of tensions. Take him back inside, Gilda dear, before he gets sick again."

"Humph. Come on then, Stupid. Thanks for embarrassing me you dweeb."

.oOo.

Back at Gilda's bedroom, Gilda tucked me into her own bed. It seemed I'd either been mostly forgiven, or she was just making sure I would get better. She was, however, still angry with me. That hurt, for some reason.

"Why did you have to do that to Daddy? I know you can talk, Dent! I've heard you mumbling when you're asleep! Or…" she sniffed, wiping an eye, "or is it just you… copying us?"

She looked deep into my eyes, and I found myself seriously cursing my muteness. I tried to tell her I just couldn't speak, but whatever had caused my muteness was more powerful than I had first thought, and now that I was pushing it, I found I was having trouble giving any sign that I understood her. With great difficulty, fighting my own body every step of the way, I tried to shrug and point to my throat. It came out as a spastic whirling of arms and a wriggle.

"You can't talk at all, can you?" Gilda sighed and turned away. "Of course you can't. No matter how smart they look, they're just… beasts."

Dammit.

I gave up, and as I did I felt the blockage drain away. It wasn't merely stopping me speaking, it was stopping me communicating. Consciously at least. I buried my head in her chest-fur, wiping tears. Why did this curse have to be so… complete?

"Oh it's okay, Denty, I forgive you. You didn't mean anything, did you? You just wanted to impress me."

I nodded, I really had, just not in that way. I opened my mouth and let forth a muffled stream of babble. I shrugged my shoulders, freely now it wasn't an attempt to chat. It was slowly getting easier to fight whatever influence - let's face it, spell - I was under, but it was far from gone.

"I'm here for you, Dent." Gilda stroked a claw through my shaggy mane - it was getting unkempt, despite the attention it was getting from various mares around the place - then buried herself into bed next to me. "We'll get you through this. We'll get you all better, precious. But for now, sleep, okay? Just sleep. I... I'm glad you're getting better." She leaned closer, and then in a voice so quiet I almost couldn't hear, whispered, "I love you."

Shock was not a powerful enough word. This gryphoness was all tough cookies and slap-slap on the outside… but I was seeing the inside. Gently, I reached over and pulled her closer. She snuggled closer. I don't know if it was the hormone changes or the illness or what, but I was feeling really rather… calm. And happy. Stockholm Syndrome, maybe, but I wasn't missing paying bills or rushing to work, or any of the one thousand and one annoying, shitty things I'd had to do every day in my old life. I wasn't missing them at all. I was missing my friends and family, sure, but it wasn't like I'd had much time for them anyhow.

And these gryphons weren't… evil. They were powerful, strong, arrogant… just like humans, really, and to them, we humans - or whatever humans in this world were - were just animals. They didn't see anything they'd done as violence, they saw it as necessary because they cared for me.

Man, this was messing with my head… all I knew for sure was that Gilda - big, tough, rude Gilda - was a softie, and she loved me.

I closed my eyes, and slept again.

You want to put that WHERE?!

Your Human And You

Gryphon Half A Chance

Ch.4

The first real indication I had of the change of seasons was when, one particularly nippy morning, Mistress tried and failed to take me out because the ground floor door opened onto snow.

Giving her the strongest nope possible, I turned right back around and tromped back upstairs to her third-floor bedroom, where I got back into her bed and resolutely pulled the covers over my head, leaving her standing bewildered at the front door with my leash and collar in her claws.

I would have to get up and see to business, as it were, soon enough, but there was no way in hell I was going to go squat behind even my very most favourite bush in the god damned snow. Operation "let Dent use the bathroom all the time" was now officially in full swing, as was the newly minted operation "get me some god damned clothes for real". Mistress let me use the outside facilities most of the time, sure, but snow is snow, and I wasn't taking any chances with her deciding the walk was too long.

There hadn't really been all that much to inform me about the season change. I mean sure, there had been falling leaves and whatnot, but this fairytale kingdom didn't obey what I recognized as the laws of nature. Literally one day it had been summer, the next I'd seen the earthpony gardeners tamping down the flowerbeds, and the next day, all the leaves on all the trees had obediently turned golden brown.

That was it. I quit. The world could wake me when the snow went away. Or when I got some proper warm trousers, a nice warm jacket, gloves, a hat, a scarf and some god damned boots.

"Daddy, please, Daddy. I think Dent might be sick again," Gilda wheedled, somewhere outside her bedroom door.

"Oh? Fine, I am already up," grumbled Abraxis, distantly, his padded steps becoming louder and louder as he neared. "I can come see. Tell me, what is it this time? Another broken leg that turned out to be an exaggerated limp to get extra treats from a well-meaning owner?"

"Daaaadddd, that's—" protested Gilda.

"Or the deathly papercut of doom leading to a week in bed being fed table scraps from your own untouched plate?"

Okay, okay, so I take advantage of Mistress' good nature from time to time. Sue me.

"This wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that the pegasi have brought in the snow this morning, would it?" Abraxis continued.

"Well... I guess it might..."

There was a sigh, then the pair of them entered the room. I peeked out from under the bed covers just in time see a huge claw descend down and yank the comforter from my grasp.

"Out. Off the bed! Bad Dent!"

I obediently leaped out of bed and snuggled safely under Gilda's wing. On the opposite side away from Abraxis. He glared at me.

"Oh, yes, very ill."

"Daddy! Stop being so mean!"

I did my best to look scared and helpless. It worked well on Gilda. Less so on Abraxis.

"Harrumph! Fine! In that case, I shall take him to the vets myself! Will that make you happy? He does need a checkup, I suppose."

A trip to the vets? Oh, come now, that's not necessary. I'll definitely rethink that trip into the sn—

There was an audible clunk as my collar, with leash already attached, was very, very swiftly fastened around my neck. I could only assume Abraxis knew the look I'd had on my face from dealing with the countless humans he owned. Even hiding under the bed didn't prove very effective, and I soon found myself led out into the cold after all.

.oOo.

Have you ever walked barefoot through the snow? No? Well, it's like a thousand daggers stripping away the flesh of your feet. You can forget this nonsense about things going numb or feeling warm, that's only if you're anywhere near death. I was near the stables. And what's worse is the windchill all over your extremities. If they hadn't already been cut off, I'm sure they would've fallen off anyhow, to put it simply.

By the time we entered into the demesnes of Madame Morticia, the estate vet, I was shivering with the force of a level 9 earthquake. The simple yet neat and orderly vets office was a large, spacious one-story affair off to one side of the human stables, with a series of rooms fulfilling various functions of a veterinarian's office. Apparently human farming was pretty much the same as, well, cattle farming. Right down to the branding. It was painted in a traditional light vomit green with puke-stained mild cream offsets. I could hear various amounts of gibbering and complaining further in the back from her 'patients'... at least, I could once my chattering teeth eased up. Mid-chatter, I looked up to see a large gryphon saunter in and wash the blood off her paws.

Not a good start to the day, all said and done.

"Abraxis! To what honour do I... good grief! Are you trying to kill this one?" Morticia screeched, as the turned around mid-towelling to see my shivering, wretched self.

"My dear madame, I can assure you..." Abraxis began, before he was swiftly all but defenestrated as Morticia grabbed me in her lion-like paws and wrapped me in overly large towels. Clean ones, thank goodness.

"Madame!" Abraxis complained loudly. "I brought him here because my doting daughter tells me that 'poor Dent' is ill, seeing as how he doesn't want to go out into the snow." He hovered close, trying and failing to keep sight of me as Morticia bundled me up to try and get me warm.

"So you almost freeze him to death bringing him here to prove her right?" Morticia's eyes flashed dangerously. Lord Abraxis may have ruled the rest of the estate, but it was quite clear that the vet's office was her domain.

Morticia was a large, tawny, lion-like gryphon. She was larger than Abraxis, even, and he was large enough. Her wings were small for her frame, which was rather... sphinxish, to tell the truth. And she was furious.

So was Abraxis. I was just glad of the padding between myself and the pair of them as they squared off.

"Madame!" he shouted again, forcing the words out through his thickly ruffled feathers. "I have been breeding humans for many, many years and I think I should know when they are snow-shy or actually under the weather!"

"Can't you see this one is shivering half to death? What possessed you to... I shall take his temperature at once!"

I obediently opened my mouth. She loosened the blanket and bent me over.

I'm pretty sure that whatever dignity I'd had left disappeared along with the shockingly cold business end of her thermometer. Which did not, I am now making extra clear, go into my mouth.

"Thirty eight point five!" Morticia shrieked. "He's burning up! He should be dead! And you tell me this chappie is perfectly well! He's got an insane fever!"

Abraxis blinked, his feathers flattening out in shock. "B-but... he was perfectly well!" he squawked.

"Abraxis Abraham Featherington! Do not even attemptto fib to me!"

Abraxis spluttered. "I am telling you the truth, Madame! He's been perfectly fine!"

"Ice bath!" shouted the vet loudly to some indistinct helpers in another room, as she bodily tried to lift me. I was too quick though, because there was no way in hell I was going to get into a ice bath to treat a fever I didn't have. I slipped from her grasp, ejecting myself from the blanket like a fleshy bullet from a felt gun to hide behind Abraxis.

"Wait! Are you telling me he's really sick?"

"Well of course, you fool! He's got a temperature of ninety nine point five degrees! It should be eighty seven at the most!"

Abraxis turned to look at me, then spread his wings, shielding me from the vet. "Stop, stop. Let's assume he's sick. What should he be like, right now?"

"With a fever that high? Unconscious! Delirious!"

"Does he look any of those things?" Abraxis held Morticia at claws' length, talking earnestly.

Morticia stared at me over thin, horn-rimmed spectacles. "Now that you mention it, no. How has he been recently? Diarrhea? Listless? Clumsy?"

"Perfectly happy, other than this morning when he absolutely refused to go outside into the snow."

"And with reason," suggested Morticia, "seeing how cold he was when you brought him in." She straightened, waving away a pony bringing in a tub and bags of ice with her unicorn horn field. "Alright, let me have a proper look at the chap. Come on now... Dent, did you say his name was?"

I backed away as Abraxis lowered his wings and de-fluffled himself. "Dent, yes. He's really rather obedient and friendly. Come on, boy. It's okay, the nice lady won't hurt you. She just wants to look at you... that's it, good boy..." Abraxis gently hooked a wing around my back, and pushed me forwards. "It may help if you have a treat handy..."

"I know all about getting humans to cooperate, Abby, dear," sparkled Morticia through a grin so wide it almost cracked her beak. "so if you could just go behind me and open the jar on the counter... yes, that's right..." Morticia eased herself forwards, very slowly, then held out her lion-like front paws. I took hold of one and lifted it up. It was huge, like a dinner plate. I gently eased out one claw-tip and fondled it. Sharp as a rapier. I decided it was probably best to let the doctor stick whatever implement she wanted into whichever orifice took her fancy.

"Inquisitive fellow, isn't he?"

"He's a sport," replied Abraxis, as there was a distinctive clinkof glass on glass. "Got him for Gilda, from some traders I know in the Zebrican desert."

"Desert, huh? Maybe he's a new breed, not a sport at all..."

"A new breed?" asked Abraxis, handing something to Morticia. She held it up in front of me, waving it to and fro rhythmically. It was a lollipop, of sorts. A meat lollipop. I obediently opened my mouth, before moving my head back as Morticia stuck her paw in it.

"Come on, boy, I just want a look at... oh my. Those are incisors. Don't tell me you never noticed them?"

"Well, I... I say." Moments later, Abraxis was pushing me down onto my back, where I lay trustingly as he peered in my mouth. "I just assumed they were the result of poor dental hygiene! They found him feral, after all."

"Well he's calm enough. I've not seen one this docile for years." Morticia placed her paws all over my body, poking and prodding experimentally. "Not a snap."

"Not since I neutered him," Abraxis replied, ruffling my hair. "Calmed him right down. To tell the truth, I half regret it. He only snapped once, and I fear that was from the conditions they were keeping him in."

You regret it, you feathered despot?

"Better safe than sorry. Especially if he's for your daughter."

I've decided I don't like you either, doc.

"Yes, well," continued Morticia, oblivious to the deadly mindbeams I was sending her way to melt her bones and turn her blood to acid, "his teeth aren't bad at all. Surprisingly so. They're showing a lot of wear, but they're cleaner than I've ever seen them outside of show-humans. He's definitely friendly."

Deliberately relaxing slightly more, I let the vet fondle my mouth and head as she turned it this way and that. "Well I never. Incisors. What does he eat?"

"Well, he... has a fondness for table scraps." Abraxis suddenly found the floor intensely interesting.

"Meat, I assume?"

"Yes, I know it's bad for him, but my daughter..."

"My good Lord Abraxis, he's pudgy." Morticia poked me in the gut. I whimpered, she patted me on the head then ruffled my hair. "I'd say whatever you're feeding him, you're giving him just want he needs, not only what he wants. If he's been on a diet of more meat than is usual for a human, then keep him on it. I know ferals will eat what they can get, and a few from those wretched fightclubs are fed exclusively on the stuff, but I've never seen a human this... healthy. Especially since your well-meaning daughter is, by the smell of his breath, feeding him everything she shouldn't. Look at his teeth! His hair! His eyes! I have never, in all my career, seen a human this… this... like this."

Morticia finally gave me the lollipop, and I stuck it in my mouth. I hadn't had breakfast, and a snack's a snack, right? ...Well, maybe not. I took the ghastly thing out again. It was like a dried pepparami stick mixed with cornmeal.

"He doesn't like it, Abby," murmured Morticia. "Fascinating."

"Oh just try taking it back," snorted Abraxis, "then we'll see how much he wants it."

"Oh, no. It'd be a good way to get a trip to the vet's myself, getting a bite from a human." I chewed thoughtfully on the meaty stick, sitting up and swinging my legs from on her table, as she padded around me. "He really is chipper, isn't he?"

"As he ever has been. He even threw off human distemper."

"Distemper?" Morticia blinked in shock. "That should have killed him. And he should have had it when he was a pup besides! A fever that should kill him, with zero ill effects. And he doesn't like the cold. Incisors like a diamond dog, less developed brow than an adult, like a human pup... how old is he?"

"I don't actually... ten?"

Morticia shook her head. "I'd have said he was fifteen, at least. He should be showing signs of senescence."

"Fifteen? That's preposterous! He can't be more than ten! Twelve at the most!"

That was interesting... the humans here aren't as long lived as me? Even allowing for the conditions they lived in, a lifespan of thirty shouldn't have been far-fetched, but fifteen being 'old'?

"Going by his teeth, this amount of wear... Abraxis, you're going to call me mad, but your sport is over twenty."

Abraxis fluffed up larger than I'd ever seen him. "Impossible! He should be dead at that age!" The pair stared at me long and hard. I shuffled uncomfortably, giving them a weak grin.

Morticia nodded, "You know they, er, don't do that either, right?"

"Dent does. Dent smiles. I've never really thought about it, but you're right. It's odd. He's a real—"

"He should be dead from this fever, but he isn't. He should be dead from old age but he's… he's in the prime of his life! You have a real enigma on your talons, Abby. So well behaved, docile, even after accounting for his neutering... where did you find him? A sport indeed. I shall contact my colleagues, maybe as far away as Canterlot, see if anyone has heard of anything similar. For now, though, I'm out of suggestions. Other than one."

"Which is?"

"Get him something to wear."

Score!

.oOo.

Bow chicka bow wow~

Author's Note

This has sex in it, so all puritanical types should skip to the next- ohhhhh, would you look at that, there's no next chapter yet!

[Seriously though, it's going to be raunchy from about a third of the way through this chapter, into the beginning of chapter six, then it'll get back to being interesting. Just a little heads up for those reading this more for the story than the interspecies lovin's.]

Bow chicka bow wow~

Your Human And You

Gryphon Half A Chance

Ch. 5

After the visit with Morticia, Abraxis seemed deep in thought. He hustled me back through the snow as quick as he could, definitely sorry for having dragged me through it in the first place, not once but now twice.

"Never would have credited it. Never should have let it slip! I am sorry, Dent my good fellow, so very sorry. Normally you brutes are quite at home in any weather — rain or shine, more or less."

I endeavoured to give him my best "hey, it's alright" expression, but wasn't sure how well it was coming off, seeing as his patter continued as we made our way back to the house.

"I should've seen it. I should've seen those teeth! And over twenty, if the nice lady is to be believed, though I don't think I do. Vulnerable to the cold, a permanent fever — despite my trust in Morticia, I know you're not sick — you are a unique specimen indeed, unique! I should have seen it. I'm getting old, Dent my boy, though by all rights you should be too, hmm?" He stopped for a moment, then shook his head. I jumped from foot to foot, trying not to hurry him, but it was cold.

"But you're not old, are you?"

He peered into my eyes. For a moment I had visions of vivisection and endless, torturous tests, but then they faded. I honestly trusted this creature — the one island of predictable behaviour, besides Mistress, in a world gone mad.

"Sport or not, I wonder how long you'll live? It's not like you've got a pedigree or birth certificate." Abraxis snorted. "You'll break my daughter's heart if you up and die on her… but you don't look your age, my boy, whatever it turns out to be. I think we shouldn't tell her about our little chat with the nice lady, no? I don't think she needs to hear about fanciful tales of a human living past twenty, not if my darling Gilda's going to keep on enjoying your company. I don't want her to get upset, I don't need to see her worry. She needs you more than she lets on... some issues with friends, last I heard."

Abraxis was silent for a moment. I put out a hand and gently stroked him behind his ear-tufts. He made a churring noise as he leaned into my gesture of trust, then a sigh of… I wasn't sure, either happiness or defeat. I'm not sure which.

"I'm letting things slip, I know. Time was I'd have seen what you were when I bought you, capitalized on it and made a mint. Instead, I've just made my daughter so very, very happy."

I perked my ears up. Metaphorically speaking.

"And that's how I know I'm old, because I find that's made me far happier than anything else I've ever done, after having her in the first place. I'd like to say that one day this will all be hers, but I'm not sure she's got it in her. Maybe she'll find a nice cock—"

I choked, that was still a trigger-word in my lexicon, but Abraxis didn't notice. What can I say, the sophisticated humour of a two year old, that was me.

"—or maybe I'll have to find one myself, hmm? Oh, I won't get any thanks for it, not if I make it too obvious. I shall have to be sneaky. Sneaky! But don't worry, I know you won't rat me out, hmm, Dent? You're a good boy."

I stopped, then put my arms around his neck, burying my head in his feathers. He ruffled up slightly, then chuckled. "I love you too, Dent. I'm glad we both care about my Gilda, hmm?"

I was on his side. Any gryphon that wanted to be in my mistress' life would have to be top notch or I'd make sure he was history before he knew what hit him.

"Ah, and here we are — Penny Lane's seamstress shop."

We were back inside the main house by now, in the basement level. I'd poked my nose around here before now, but had never really seen this place. The rooms down here were smaller, with more functional and less opulent furnishings. This one in particular was cramped, but mostly because it was chock-full of cloth, bobbins, marequins, gryphoquins and whatnot, all starkly outlined by burning hot, white lamps.

"Oh! M-master Abraxis! What brings you here?" asked a deep purple unicorn mare. I assumed this was Penny Lane. She blushed as she looked up from her work, hiding her face beneath her pink bangs, but as she caught sight of me, I caught a distinct gleam in her eye. It was downright predatory.

"I have a rather special request of you, my dear, if you think you can handle it. I need you to produce some sort of functional, pretty clothing for Dent. My daughter doesn't really go for... " He waved a claw as he spoke, "frilly, but make him something worthy of his station, worthy of my daughter."

His words were electric to Penny. She licked her lips before hesitantly speaking again. "Uh, I-I'll ha-have to see him re-regularly. A-a few times at least…"

"Oh whenever he's free, just grab him. Which is most of the time." He mock-glared at me, and I did my best contrite expression. I'm not sure he was mollified. "My daughter's done a good job with training him, you shouldn't have much trouble."

"Oh, I'm sure I won't." Penny licked her lips again, sizing me up. I hesitantly backed away towards Abraxis, getting a definite… vibe from this one, but was cut off by the mare. "I can start immediately, for you, sire."

"Oh, very well, I shall leave you to it." Abraxis handed Penny my leash, batting away my hands as I tried to take it away from her. "Stop fussing, you silly thing."

Uh, no, nice Abraxis Master, please don't… she's looking at me like a piece of meat… and that's scaring me more than you gryphons do!

My silent pleas went unheeded, as Penny pushed the door closed just after Abraxis passed through it.

"Oh my, and I thought I'd have to slip out to those awful human sheds… instead, I get you visiting me whenever I want!" She tugged on my leash authoritatively. I was well and truly stuck. I backed away slowly, then scrabbled at another door to try to get it open, not that I'd get far. I might have had a chance if the lock hadn't been an enchanted unicorn one. And if I hadn't been leashed. Penny had a mournful expression on her muzzle as she watched me trying to escape.

"Oh, dear, sweetie, no… you don't need to be frightened… come on, boy, come on…"

She backed me into a corner, then floated over something sweet-smelling and apparently edible with her magic. I plucked it out of the air desperately and held it in front of me like a shield. She then floated another, waving it to and fro until I caught it. She mimed eating it until, hoping that really was all she wanted, I took a bite. The treat was a sugary biscuit, obviously made for her pony patrons, and didn't taste half bad.

Maybe all she wanted was to clothe me? I wondered.

Seeing how I had relaxed, she very swiftly took my measurements with a tape measure, jotting down the figures, then moved in slowly and carefully to take closer stock.

As she neared my crotch, I could feel every muscle in my body contracting, as a cold sweat poured through my body.

"Oh, you poor thing… no wonder you don't know what to do with yourself. You've been fixed! Well, Mama Penny can fix that too!" She chuckled to herself as my face fell, her back turned. With a quick swish of her horn, she picked up a necklace or bracelet — I wasn't sure which — of some sort and slowly floated it over to me. I tried to phase through the wall with all my might, but it didn't help, and instead found a small, rune-carved jade necklace slipping over my head.

"I make these for my… elder male clients, but it should work on you too, honey…"

Wait, what? Let's get one thing straight here, I wanted to tell her, I do not want to…

I looked down.

Oh, you traitor.

To my surprise, 'Little Dent' — shut up, you know what I mean. And besides, Little wasn't currently the word for it, I'll have you know — was standing at attention. The only thing bigger in the room was Penny's shit-eating grin.

Oh boy. Oh no. This is not right… this isn't what… no, what are you…

"That's it, boy, nice and slow. You know what you want, hmm? You know how it works…"

I was trapped in the corner of the room and held prisoner by my collar and leash, and Penny knew it. She delicately turned around and advanced — is it advancing if it's backwards? — in my direction, with her tail just slightly raised. The necklace was warm around my neck, the wall was cold against my back, and Penny's magical touch on my +2 fleshy rod of might was incredibly soft and dexterous. Despite myself, this was feeling kinda good. I groaned, looking skywards, wanting it to end.

The effect of that sound on Penny was electric. To my surprise, her tail twitched and then she… she winked. I'd heard it was something equines could do to show their readiness to mate, but I'd not thought I'd ever see it. Her pussy just kinda… contracted, visibly, as it neared my crotch.

I could hardly move. I tried to, goodness knows I tried, but Penny knew exactly where and how to exert her magic. She held everything right where she wanted it, including my rock-hard penis, as she backed herself onto it.

My breath caught in my throat as her magic held down then maneuvered my cock between her moist folds. The long, drawn-out gasp of pleasure shook her body from tail-tip to ears as she rocked backwards onto my length.

And that's how I found myself having sex with a pony.

Make no mistake, and I was as surprised as anyone, but I, a male, was being raped by a female. With a large part of my mind, I wanted to scream and shout, but I also can't deny that there was a part of my mind also going Yes! Yes! Fuck yes! Just like that! because she was not only the first fuck I'd had in god knows how long, but she was really fucking good. Even though she held me down in unbreakable, invisible chains, there was a tiny, traitorous part of my mind that enjoyed it.

She was rough, in that kind of physically active way that always goes over well in a porno. She was animalistic, she was bestial, and she grunted and whined, squeaking with every backwards thrust as she clamped her vaginal muscles down around my cock, milking it for all it was worth.

It was awful, it was terrible, it was soul-crushing and demeaning, and it was raw, bestial and base. I loved it and I loathed it and I hated myself for being turned on, for being used so utterly.

This was the most devastating, awful thing, that had ever happened to me. I don't have words for how wrong it was, for how dirty it made me feel, for how much I wanted to curl up into a little ball and die.

I had little choice but to hold on; grabbing her tail and pulling hard to try to get her to stop only egged her on more. I had to meet her thrusts to stop her from snapping my penis in two from her throes of ecstasy, and digging my fingernails into her flank around her butt-tattoo only made her hiss in pleasure and pound all the harder.

She was hot, and I mean physically; much hotter, wetter and stronger than any human female I'd had sex with, able to control her pussy with incredible dexterity, massaging my member as I forced myself into her to avoid being crushed. I was rock hard, a part of my body and mind not only giving in but determined to make the most of it, as I thrust rhythmically into her, pulling back almost all the way out before ramming it back in.

Her squeaking grew louder and more high pitched, and her pussy drank harder and harder from my cock until with a final deep backwards thrust and telling intake of breath, her front hooves almost collapsed under her and she let loose a torrent of mare cream that coated the insides of my thighs, dripped down our legs and pooled on the floor.

If she hadn't just raped me, I'd be congratulating myself. I mean, if I hadn't just fucked a goddamn pony, of course.

"Oh Luna, yes!" she gasped, pulling herself off me with a loud, obscene shlurp.

I didn't know whether to feel dirty, elated, horrified or what. I mean, I'd just been forced into sex with a pony. By the pony, which… kind of made it alright in the whole 'not your species' thing, I guessed, since she was sentient, unlike humans, but that didn't at all make up for the forcing and... oh my god if I ever wanted sex again I couldn't have sex with any Equestrian 'humans' because humans are the animals here and it meant I'd just be fucking with a sex toy animal and oh my god I was just raped, used and abused, like some sort of living, breathing dildo then cast aside like yesterday's fashion...

I looked in horror down at my treacherous cock — still hard, glistening with mare fluids — and my hands, chest, crotch and legs — dusty and dirty with mare sweat and hair — and started shaking. Penny's magic faded, and I fell onto the floor in a heap, whimpering and crying.

Only one thing could have made this worse.

"What the absolute fuck are you doing with Dent!?" shrieked Gilda, slamming the door open.

Yep, that's the one.

.oOo.

"What the fuck are you—!" Gilda was shrieking. For my part, I scampered away from the pair of them, my leash loose. I couldn't let her see me like this. I couldn't let her know I'd been… sullied, that I'd betrayed her.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I was just—!"

Hey, that's my line.

"That's my human! That's my… that's my human! You've just! That's! He's! —!" Before I could do anything, not that I could do anything, Gilda turned and fled. I turned and glared at Penny, showing my teeth. If I'd been… one of those pit fighters I'd heard of, if I'd been a real man instead of a dildo, I'd have strangled her. As it was, I just wanted the earth to swallow me up.

"Oh Hades bells and buckets of blood," Penny swore. It was a gryphon oath I'd not heard a pony use before. "I better… come on, you." She picked up then tugged smartly twice on my leash, and led me through the building through a tortuous route that was obviously designed to avoid the rest of the help, since she and I both were still dripping from our escapade. I didn't exactly want to go anywhere with her, but had little choice. Besides, she was taking me where I did want to go. I tried to ignore her, almost as hard as I tried to keep from falling over.

Eventually, we made it to Gilda's bedroom, where Penny knocked, softly.

"Go away!"

"I… I've brought Dent. I'm… sorry. I didn't mean…"

The door was flung open. "What do you mean you didn't mean it!? You… you fucked him!"

I'm sorry, Mistress! I'm sorry! It wasn't my fault! I didn't mean to! Please, please, please...

"But it doesn't mean anything! I was just… I… I'm sorry. It's the lights I have to use. They start my season off midwinter!" Penny was crying. I almost felt sorry for her. Bitch.

"Bu-but h-he w-was m-my human! A-and h-he w-won't w-want… y-you sp-spoiled..!" Gilda was shaking with fury, bawling her eyes out. I wanted so badly to run to her and comfort her. I wanted so badly to kill myself, like never before.

"Look, I… please, I'm sorry. I won't touch him again. You can fire me if you want, I'll just go..."

"I don't care ab-about you po-ponies ha-having sex with humans, j-just n-not m-my human! Mine! He was mine! And you to-took th-that—"

Wait, Gilda didn't care that these ponies apparently use humans for sex? That was a new one. Maybe she would still have me.

Penny took a deep breath. "I'll… make it up to you. You can have the necklace for him, and I'll make you three sets of clothes. One for the cold, one for better weather, and one to make him handsome. Just for you, okay? Okay? And we'll never have to speak about this ag—"

Gilda wasn't listening. "H-he wo-won't want—"

"Nonsense." Penny reached up her horn and did… something, and my collar fell off. I glared at her and picked up both collar and leash. I wanted to strangle her with it, but I was pretty sure that rape of a human was a victimless crime in this world, but murdering a pony wasn't. I settled for spitting at her. I'd have shit on my hands and thrown it at her, but I was all crapped out.

"I'm sorry, big guy," said Penny, shying back and wiping her face.

I bared my teeth at her, flexing my fists. Damn right you're sorry. Try that again and I'll kick you right in the cunt!

"I didn't mean to upset your mistress. Go on now."

I didn't know whether it was better or worse that she still didn't care about what she did to me. Gilda did though, didn't she?

"Take him," called Gilda, from further inside the room. She was on the bed, head covered in pillows.

My heart sank. I bared my teeth at my rapist again, and then smartly strode inside and shut the bitch out out, locking the door. Dumping my collar and leash on the floor, and the necklace on the dresser, I then turned to Gilda. She was still sobbing gently. I'd heard her words, but I knew Gilda.

What are you supposed to do at a time like this? I was the one who'd been raped, but it was my owner who was the more distraught.

I'm a coper. I always have been. It would probably have been very different if it had been a stallion, or if I'd been a woman, but us males — myself at least — seem to have a more practical approach to sex. Namely, if you can stick your dick in it and it feels good, it doesn't tend to bother you what it is. Other than not sticking your dick in crazy, of course, which is what made me mad about Penny.

I took a deep breath, still shaking, as I looked at my hands. I was pretty sure a psychologist would have a field day with this, but I was about to rationalize my way out of having a breakdown. I was also pretty sure I'd be horrified once whatever dregs of adrenalin in me wore off, and you know what they say about scars that don't heal...

I was an animal, to these ponies. Penny hadn't been trying to hurt me, she hadn't wanted to degrade, injure, beat down or otherwise dominate and destroy my spirit. She'd wanted to get her leg over, and the nearest suitable object had been me. Because she didn't think of me as a pony.

I hadn't been raped… I'd been used for sex, because Penny didn't care about me at all. Rape is all about power and domination, which is why it's so painful. It takes something so very special and personal, and destroys it utterly, knowingly and deliberately.

Penny didn't know or care, she'd probably rationalized that I, being a male human, had wanted it too.

I hadn't, but that hadn't stopped her. And now Mistress was hurt, and to be honest, she was hurting far more than me.

I took another deep breath, still hurting, and pushed it all out of my head. Mistress needed me. Walking over to the bed, to stand behind the sobbing lump of fur and feathers that was my Gilda, I put my hand down, very slowly, and stroked her buttock.

The feeling was electric.

I'd touched her before, but I'd never really… touched her. I ran my fingers through her fur, it was a thick and gorgeous sable, like her father, but with a hint of pink that made her just that much more… feminine.

I hadn't noticed it before, the curves of her body, the softness of her feathers, the silkiness of her fur. As her tail whipped up in surprise, I took a sniff of the tuft. If you could bottle the savannah, this would be how it smelled.

"D-dent?" Gilda whispered. She snorked, not a pretty sound through a beak. "Stupid Dent." She leaned on me, the pain still apparent.

Oh, that did it.

I knelt swiftly down and, for the first time ever, planted a kiss on her lips.

Yes, those lips.

Her wings shot out in surprise, and a caw caught in her throat. Before she could do anything, I flicked my tongue out and teased at her netherlips. Her pussy was small and tight, so very different and yet recognizably similar to a human's. It was soft and warm, and hairless, like chamois leather, surrounded by fur. As I lapped at it, it became engorged.

"D-dent wh-what are you d-doing… oh Dent…" Gilda moaned, "Tha-that's n-not…" but she made no moves to stop me, so I carried on.

I kissed her gently, nibbling and nipping ever so lightly at her pussy lips. A woman's vagina is very delicate, and that of a gryphon is no different. I could feel her shuddering before me as I licked and teased and bit and played with her nether regions, running my hands through her luxurious fur, grabbing huge handfuls of it as we tussled.

Finally, as I felt the momentum growing within her, I concentrated on that little nub, just inside her lips at the base of her cunt, between her legs, flicking my tongue over it, moving in circles, caressing it with growing force.

Gilda was shuddering now, quaking wordlessly with every application of my mouth, letting little whimpers escape her muzzle, her wings unfurling to their full length before, finally, she tensed all over, all the fur on her body standing on end, and I was rewarded for my diligence by a spray of hot gryphoness fluids. They were sticky, musky, and strangely sweet. I licked my lips and face, drinking in her scent, taking it into me, making it a part of my being. I wanted to be hers, and wearing her scent would mark me properly as her chattel. This is what I wanted. This is who I wanted to be. I was Gilda's pet, nobody, nopony, else's.

I didn't stop licking her, as even though I'd already sent her over the edge, a female can enjoy so much more than the initial explosion. However, I licked slowly, lightly, and very, very gently, each miniscule touch on her gorgeous, steaming lips sending waves of pleasure racing throughout her body, each nip a new foray into an orgasmic world of sensual delight.

Yeah, I am that good. And I didn't need that little toy from that hussie.

"By the Emperor's jade egg!" groaned Gilda, finally pushing me away and collapsing into her bed. I slunk up next to her, worming my way under her wings, kissing all along her body as I went. "Where on Equus did you learn to do that?"

I just smiled and gently kissed her all over her beak, holding her close until the trembling stopped.

And finally… she slept.

.oOo.

Abracadabra!

Your Human And You

Gryphon Half A Chance

Ch. 6

I forced open my eyes and stretched, wriggling. I'd fallen asleep in the wet spot, apparently, and dummy Dent was… where?

Okay, something was wrong: everything looked kind of weird, I was sleeping on my back, somebody had been screwing with my bed and not only was the ceiling further away than I remembered, but somebody had replaced my lacy curtains with… some sort of odd decoration?

"Wharrkk?" I exclaimed, then coughed and cleared my throat. "What on Equus is going on?" I squeaked, before holding my claws to my throat. What had happened to my voice!? With surprisingly loud footfalls, Dent appeared above me to peer down at me.

"I dunno, Mistress, you tell me."

"Dent, you're… huge!" I squawked. Then, almost as an after-thought, I added, "and you can talk!"

"Yeah, well, I don't plan on telling anyone. I don't exactly know what'll happen if they find out humans can talk. There's this thing called vivisection, and…"

"Wait, wait… how long have you been able to talk? It's not just… whatever happened here?"

Dent took a deep breath. "Mistress," he began, "I have no idea what happened this time, but before I came here, to your world, I could talk perfectly well, thank you. And then I couldn't. And then you… bought me."

As he leaned down towards me, reaching out his enormous hands, I shivered slightly, leaning away.

"Hey now, I just want to pick you up!"

"But you're… big. And scary."

A fleeting look of disapproval crossed his normally expressionless face. He paused for a moment, then shrugged. "So was your dad. And he did a lot worse than just pick me up."

"I… I know. I never really thought about it, it's just something we do to male humans to keep them out of trouble."

Dent shrugged his shoulders again, then gestured to his complete, and impressive, undercarriage. From my point of view, he could give a stallion a run for his money. "I got better, apparently. Shame you're too little to enjoy it, huh?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked, once I could look away.

"Sleepy head, haven't you noticed anything yet? Some huntress you'll grow up to be…"

He grinned like an idiot, then stood up straight, crossing his arms over his chest. I tilted my head, then took a long look at my surroundings.

The bed was huge… but compared to Dent, it was smaller than it had been before. I was smaller than I had been before. A lot smaller. Looking left and right, I finally cottoned on that there were upright bars on either side of my bed, and that the decoration up above me was a mobile.

With trepidation, I lifted up the thick, downy comforter. "What. The fluff."

Dent just nodded. "Yep. Come on, princess. I think somebody needs a change."

I hadn't so much been sleeping in the wet spot as… wetting the spot I'd been sleeping in. I was wearing a diaper, of all things, and it was soggy. Someone would pay.

"But… no, what? I don't… I haven't…"

Dent just lifted me up, ignoring my mewling cries, before taking me over to a large, padded table that, just the night before, had been my dresser. Right now, some douchenozzle had switched it. "You do and you have. Don't ask me why, just go with it. When I found myself in this land of talking ponies and gryphons, I just got on with it, and I had a lot more painful things to worry about than a rash, which I'm trying to stop you from getting. So stop fussing."

"But I don't need those… things, you dork!"

Dent mercilessly untaped the shameful article, removed it from my body, then held it up. "Evidence says otherwise. But hey, prove you're as housetrained as I am — and if we ever get things back to 'normal', you owe me that much at least — then I'll let you go without. During the day at least."

I growled. "You're dumber than that dweeb Dash and her dorky pony friends."

"I'm also bigger than you and deserve a little payback. So today, you're getting dressed in the biggest, pinkest, froofiest dress I can find."

"You wouldn't dare!"

"And if you bite or scratch me, I'll have you declawed."

Humans are the evilest, stupidest, smelliest, dorkiest, dweebiest brutes in Equus. Ever.

They're also vindictive monsters.

"How do you put up with this thing?" I whined, as the beast led me down the corridor on a leash. I clawed at the collar around my neck angrily. It was pink, with little silver bells in the shape of hearts on it, with the name "Snowbelle" on the tag. And it fit me. Whoever had done this would die by slow roasting over a small fire.

"Oh you get used to it. Especially when you have no damned choice," he added, grumbling low.

"I'm… sorry, Dent. I didn't know. You never told me."

"I couldn't, could I? First thing I find out after coming to in the desert is that I couldn't talk. Second thing was that somepony had removed… my…"

The pony in front of us stopped stock still. And the human holding her leash screamed.

"...clothes," Dent finished. "Sorry, sorry, I, uh… lovely weather we're having. Bit, uh, breezy…"

"Quite…" her voice was high and tight. She finally closed her mouth, then found the rest of her voice. "Quite alright, milord," the humaness said, turning around, her face going bright pink.

Milord?

The pony just stood there stupidly. I glared at it angrily, but the dumb creature just… stood there. I looked up at Dent. He looked sideways down at me, and almost imperceptibly nodded. Gathering what aplomb he could, we headed back to my — I guess his at the moment — bedroom.

"I should have remembered," he groaned. "God, I'm so stupid. Clothes!" He threw open my — his! — closet, and pulled out… the oddest collection of furs and fabrics I'd ever seen. "Oh wow, it's all here! All of it! Even my phone! Oh gosh my phone!"

To my utter amazement, he pulled an odd object — flat like a slate, shiny and perfect like a mirror, but dark and black — out from a pocket. It lit up as he did something to it. I squawked in surprise, and felt a little warmth between my back legs, and a lot of shame between my ears. I was no mewling chick! I was a fierce warrior! I stepped forwards, then shrunk back again as loud, raucous almost-music blared out of nowhere.

"This is awesome! And it's got a full charge! And… and no signal. Well fuck."

"Signal?" I croaked, clacking my beak nervously. "What is that thing?"

"It's… uh… do you have ways of talking to people a long way away? Anywhere in the world?"

"Y-yes, but…"

He snorted. "Yeah, but not like this. I get it. Whatever." He pocketed it inside some sort of dark outer jacket made of animal hide — damn, that was a good look for him. That sort of thing could really catch on, with gryphons. Ponies… not so much — then… kind of ruffled his feathers until he looked neat. And commanding. I felt a new, different warmth in my hindquarters that reminded me of… something. I shook my head. A confusing day all around, and we'd not even got to breakfast yet.

My tummy rumbled.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Mistress. Come on, let's get you fed." He scooped me up in his arms and strode purposefully down the corridors of my home — his home? — in search of the kitchen.

He was… not all bad, I suppose.

Actually I take that back. I will kill him, skin him, then use his hide for curtains.

"Come on, princess, nummy nummy num nums! You'll not grow big and strong if you don't drink your bottle!"

"Meat, now!" I growled. He took advantage of my beak opening to put the heavily chewable nipple in. Trying to spit it out only got the bottle's contents over my beak and down my head, which he washed off expertly with a damp cloth.

"Not going to work, princess. I used to babysit my cousins. I never was that good with diapers, but you wriggle a lot less, so I hope you're good in that area," he said, with a pat.

Once I'd finished the bottle because the meanie pants was merciless and not at all because it was warm, sweet, tasty and filling, I glared at him. "Meat."

"Okay, but only because you've been good. And only if you burp."

"Only if I whaa-aaaaarrrrppppp!" I opened my beak wide in shock as he held me against his broad shoulders and patted my back.

"There, such a fussy little kitten."

"With claws," I hissed, in his ear. He was, however, as good as his word. He put me down in a padded playpen with a bowlful of freshly diced meat whilst he scouted out the territory. The meat tasted like... well, we're not supposed to know what pony tastes like, so the less said the better, but it tasted like what I expected pony would taste like. Which was worrying.

Shaking, I looked up from my dangerous meal and glanced warily around the room. Humans were everywhere, passing through, chatting, cleaning… it was like they were… people. And the few ponies I saw were always on leashes, eating out of troughs or nosebags or…

Whack. Thump.

In an adjacent room, I saw a chef-human bash a pointed metallic bullet into the head of an oblivious pony. It went down without a sound, twitching. One quick slice later, and red blood was flowing into an oversized bucket. With alarming efficiency, the body of the pony was denuded of hooves, tail, head and finally hide, before having its entrails pulled out and a sluice of water run over it to clean the rest of it off.

The humans were almost gryphonic in their neatness. A world where humans are gryphons, and gryphons are humans? And ponies are just… meat?

This is what Dent sees, said a treacherous little voice in my head. All the time. Every day. He sees his kind slaughtered, prepared, cooked and eaten. You saw him when you had that suckling human cub last moon, didn't you? You tried to ignore how upset he was, how he didn't want any of it despite normally eating from your claws…

Oh, Dent… this was so much worse than Dash and her dumb pony friends. So much worse. Wait… Dash… was she just a pretty hide or something wurst in this world?

What about Daddy!?

"Dent!" I hissed, as he reappeared, "Dent please! Please! We have to go see—"

"Shh," he hushed, a worried look on his face, before picking me up and heading to a private nook. "What's up Mistress?" he asked, once he made sure we were alone.

"I have to see Daddy! I have to! Do… do they eat gryphons? They eat ponies here!"

"Woah, woah, it's okay, he's okay. They don't eat gryphons here, it's like my world. We don't eat predators very often. Their meat is bad."

"Is this... where you're from?" I asked. To think his world was… like mine, right down to the house!

"Oh, no, I'm from… well, a long way away… but this place is similar. We eat ponies there too sometimes. I thought this might be some other country in my world at first, but… there are still pegasi and unicorns here. And you, of course." he nuzzled my beak like Daddy used to when I was little, then smiled a little sad smile at me. "There aren't any of those where I'm from." He seemed so sad.

"Do you miss your home?" I asked. He nodded.

"I do. I love you, Mistress, and despite everything, you've been kind, but I miss home. I had so hoped…" he sighed. Then he brightened. "But I can help you. Come on, you want to see your Dad? Well, don't say I didn't warn you, but you might not like what you see."

I opened my beak wide in worry. "I-is he okay?"

"Oh, he's fine, he's just… just hush now, you'll see."

I did see. Outside were more humans and more ponies… and more gryphons. And further out the back, away from the crowds, was a large stable. And in the stable was a single, proud, haughty looking gryphon, his feathers and fur shining in the sun. His halter was brightly waxed, and his gait was proud. And his eyes were completely empty.

"Best I can figure, he's… still your father. He's a stud. By all accounts, an award-winning champion breeder."

There was a nervous cough from behind us. Dent straightened, then turned, smiling brightly. "Yes, Sharon?"

"Milord Gryphon… is everything okay?"

"Oh yes, yes, perfectly fine," Dent replied. "Just showing little Snowbelle her father. She's going to grow up to be a beauty, don't you think?" He held me out. I growled and hissed.

"Oh, of course, milord. Gryphon Keep does produce the best in racing gryphons."

Dent kept smiling. Then, a moment later, added, "you're dismissed, Sharon. Good work, I'm proud of all of you."

'Sharon' curtsied — giving such names to humans! How bizarre! — and disappeared.

"Gryphon keep?" I asked.

"Apparently I raise the best racing gryphons in the world. Of which you are sure to become the best of the best of the best. All the cocks—" he choked, suddenly red in the face. A very strange human, my Dent, "—you could want. You sure you want to get this all back to normal?"

"Of course I do, dorkbreath!" I said. "Living like this, it's… demeaning!"

"Guess there's nothing for it, then," he replied, coldly. Oh guano.

"I… didn't mean it like that."

"I know."

"Of course, you should… go home too if you could… and I don't mind that you can talk, and…"

"Just leave it, silly beak," laughed Dent. "Let's just go find out what happened. You think this has happened everywhere?"

I tapped my beak thoughtfully with a claw. "I know one pony who might know exactly what's happening. If she's still got her smarts like I have. And if anypony does, she does."

"Who?"

"Twilight Sparkle."

"Who!?"

.oOo.

"Let me get this straight," Dent asked, as he fussed above me.

"Must you?" I grumbled, trying not to meet his eye.

"Oh hush, I've seen it all before," he admonished, and kept on cleaning my fur with a cool, damp cloth. "You've got big cities, newspapers, a passable excuse for television… and medieval castles, dragons and dangerous monsters. And steam trains like this one," he said, ignoring my protests.

"What do you mean?" I huffed, crossing my claws over my chest.

He finished taping up a new diaper, rolled up the old one, then slam-dunked it — amazing humans could do that without magic or flight — into a trashcan. "Not to mention disposable diapers. I half expected you guys to have, like… uh… rags or something."

"Rags!?" I exclaimed. "What kind of backwards bizarro world do you come from?"

"Aww, who's a fussy little kitten, huh? Who needs a nap?" He picked me up and held me close, wrapping my body in the loose, large carrying cloth he called a kanga. Which apparently made him a kangaroo, whatever that meant. The idiot had laughed himself silly over it anyway.

"'M not sleepy!" I protested, then yawned, horrified to find a little mewl come out at the end of it.

"Uh huh. Well even if you don't need a nap, I do. Looking after you is exhausting. And you're way too small and pretty to go wandering around alone. Somepony might steal you."

I glared at the shut door of our carriage. Good point. I burrowed deeper into the kanga.

"D'you think I'll ever get back home again?" I asked, eyes closed.

"I dunno. Will I?" He was silent for a while. I thought he might have fallen asleep, but then he spoke again. "Is this train like in your world? It's a lot like mine."

"Really?" I asked, yawning until I cheeped. "Yeah, this is the same. It's all the same. It's like somebody took my world, fiddled with a few details, then put it back wrong."

He chuckled. "Same here, kitten. Hey, do you think we've got enough diapers and baby formula?"

"Augh! Why'd you even bring them!" I complained.

"Says the kitten who's used half a pack already."

"I have n— have I?" I peered out from my nest, searching around our cabin. Sure enough, a half-empty pack of "Desert Dawg's Li'l Dreamers" sat next to us.

"Well they're too small to fit me, kitten," replied Dent, a smirk on his heavily lidded face. I pouted at him. "Oh relax, it's the curse. Or whatever. Besides, little bit like you, it's a lot easier on me this way. When you wake up in the middle of the night and need a bottle, I don't have to go far. It'd be easier still if you were bigger, but then we'd not need this whole trip, would we?"

"Augh I hate you! How can you be so calm when everything is just… just..."

He just smiled a tight little smile. "Fussy kitty. Come on, I wanna sleep. Tell you what, you go explore our cabin as much as you want if you're really not tired."

He unceremoniously dumped me out of my warm nest. I squawked indignantly, doubly so when he patted me on my well-padded tush, then waddled out of swat range to go explore. It was like the games we'd used to play before… before Dash moved away. Hide n' seek in the most mundane of places when you're kid is… magical. Everything was super big, even the seats were so high that getting up on them was an effort. Scrabbling, heaving my padded waist up, I rolled head-over-heels and almost slammed my beak into the glass of the window. The world outside sped past quickly as I clambered up to look. It made me think of… happier times. Before. With Dash. Before she left. And now I was going to meet here, again, of my own free will… even after what had happened last time.

After a while of clouds, mountains, goats and trees whizzing past, I got bored. I scampered back to my warm nest, cuddling up with Dent as he pulled me closer. I rubbed myself against him. My eyes were wet with… dust, or something. Stupid Dent.

.oOo.

"Last stop o' the evenin'! Manville! I repeat, last stop! Eeeeeeverybody out!"

With loudly resounding clanks, the train came to a halt. I fussed as Dent gave my behind a quick pat to check how full my diapers were, snuggling closer. The night air was cool and I wanted none of it. Then I felt him stand up straight, collect our luggage, and head out of the train.

"Shh, princess, just sleep," he whispered.

"Dun wan' s'eep," I mumbled, struggling a little, but I couldn't fight it. I drifted in and out of consciousness as the pleasant torch-lit darkness of Manville — what a dumb name. Even dumber that Ponyville — surrounded us.

"I'm sure there's somewhere we can stay. they must have some sort of… motel or something. Oh, hey, I think I see a light… wait, is that a tree!?"

Oh no, oh no, anywhere but—

My silent lamentation was cut short by his knocking, and the bottom half of a two-part door opening to reveal a dweeby little dragon.

"If you've come to return a book, please don't… please don't. Twi'll make me put it back." He rubbed his eyes sleepily.

"I… a library made out of a tree? A tree… with books inside it. I'm not sure if that's ironic or deep," Dent said. "Look, we're in need of a place to stay, and I saw the light, and…"

"Who is it?" called a masculine voice from inside the library. "If they've got a book—"

"They don't have a book!" the dragon shouted desperately. Then he whispered, "if you do, just… say you don't."

"Then what do they want?"

"A place to stay!"

"Oh, uh…" footsteps came closer, human footsteps.

"Let me put it this way," Dent said, "you're not feeling quite yourself, right?"

"You could say something like that," said a human male, weakly. His hair was purple with a violet and pink streak.

"You're Twilight Sparkle?" Dent asked, confused.

The man nodded, then coughed. "Sorry, I'm a little hoarse… Right now, I'm better known as Dusk Shine, I guess. And I'm normally a unicorn. Or sometimes an alicorn."

Dent just dropped his bags. "You're a pony. Of course you are. Why wouldn't you be. Well, I'm always a talking human. Except when I'm not. And this bundle of fluff is Gilda. She's normally a lot bigger."

Fingers gently peeled back the kanga. "You're a lot cuter when you're not ruining one of Pinkie's parties, you know." Dusk was silent for a moment, then he looked left and right, and nodded, seemingly to himself. "You'd better come in, we've been waiting for you."

Twilight's — albeit Dusk, or something, at the moment — treehouse looked just the same as it had last time I'd stormed out. Only a lot bigger. With her being an alicorn — seriously? When had that happened? — I'd expected she'd be living in some sort of shining crystal castle or something like the rest of those royal blowhards. Then again, the nerd always loved her books. She'd only give up living in this dumb treehouse if the whole thing burned down… and as crazy as Ponyville was, I didn't see that happening any time soon.

Heh. As if.

"Okay, I don't care," said Dent. "I just wanna go to sleep. The couch is fine."

"Oh, don't be stupid, we have a guest bedroom—" Dusk began.

"Is it upstairs?" Dent countered. Dusk nodded. "Then I'll take the couch. Unless that's upstairs too?" Dusk shook his head. "Good. Lead the way. A pillow, a blanket… I'm used to a lot less right now, you wouldn't believe the last few months I've been having."

"We have our suspicions, but nothing definite…" Dusk began. I tuned them out. Hating naps or not, I was tired of the trip too. It took a frighteningly short time before darkness claimed me.

.oOo.

"...Shh shh shh, it's okay, don't fuss li'l Gus," said a voice, interfering with my slumber. "Or should that be Gus-ess? Only that doesn't rhyme. Hmm."

Even as more of a baritone, I knew the owner of this voice. Opening my eyes, I came face to beak with what just had to be Pinkie. And he was cuddling me in his arms.

"Oooh's a widdle monster, hmm? Ooh is? Ooh is!"

I snapped at him, barely missing the dangling fingers.

"Careful," interjected Dent, sleepily, "she's a bit of a biter. Or a pecker."

"I help around Scotch's. Every so often we get a gryphon chick… I know just how to deal with 'em! Whoosh! Tickle tickle tickle!"

I squawked out giggling as he so unfairly applied his fingertips to my belly. I couldn't help it, squirming to get away just didn't work.

"She piddles too, so watch it." Dent added. I shot him an angry glare, but he just grinned from his nest on the sofa.

"And the Cake's have me… have me… uh… apparently I foalsit. I also changed her just after I fed her, so she's all clean!"

"You remember being… Pinkie?" I asked, before my brain caught up on the other points I was supposed to be mad at him about.

"Not really, but I don't worry about it. Dusk'll get it sorted out. He says we've been waiting for some seventh imminent or something…"

"That's element, Berry," said Dusk's voice as the front door opened, "and I don't understand it because there are only six. Come on Scotch, we'll need you too."

"B-but I… you s-said it was Gilda? I… don't want to. I need to wash my bear."

"Butterscotch, we need to get this sorted out! Washing your bear indeed…"

"B-but I do! He's so dirty!"

There was a roar from outside — not an angry one, more a question. I craned my head to look out the window, and sure enough, there was a bear… in a poncho.

"It's okay, Harry, you just run along now. I'll give you your bath later."

"Does he talk too?" I asked, raising a few eyebrows.

"Barely," replied Butterscotch, nodding.

I opened my mouth to retort, when more humans started filing in. I started feeling rather… scared. All these strangers…

"Come on li'l bit, back to Dada," whispered Berry diplomatically, as he set me down on Dent's lap. I found myself scooching down into his lap as tightly as I could, shivering, as around my island of sanctuary appeared more and more faces. Was this, again, what it was like for Dent?

"Oh, ohh… she is r-rather cute," said Butterscotch. "Can't we keep her like that?"

"Actually I'm not sure what'll happen to… all this," replied Dusk, waving his arms about. "My Magic Resonance Imager says this is a meta-stable alternate universe almost exactly like our own. When we leave it, it might all snap back to how it should be with us all ponies again… or it might carry on with the us who are meant to be here staying in it. It's Chaos magic that's got us into this mess... so Scotch, is Eris going to help?"

"Or better yet, explain herself?" complained a blue-haired boy.

"Blitz, calm yourself," said a man in an immaculate suit. "I am sure Dusk will get everything sorted forthwith."

"Easy for you to say, Elusive, you can still do magic. I can't fly, I have to walk on these two… things. And I have dangly bits. Ugh. You have no idea how difficult it is to sit dow… okay, you probably do I'll shut up now." Blitz tailed off as Elusive glared at him primly.

Okay, that was Dash and Rarity. And that leaves Applejack as the muscular guy in a hat and not very much else. Figures.

"So we're all here, all except her." muttered Dusk, crossing his arms and glaring at Butterscotch, who gave an apologetic little squeak as he shrugged his shoulders. Before I could ask 'her who', a very pastel pink woman in an odd flat little hat and lots of flowing ribbon-like robes that were more climbing apparatus than clothing (especially around her bare midriff), complete with almost entirely see-through leggings, appeared in the centre of the room. Inside a very large puff of pink smoke.

"Good morning master!" twittered the woman brightly, as she threw herself upon him.

"Eris," moaned Butterscotch, as they collapsed in a heap on the sofa, "I'm not your master!"

"Does that mean I can unleash my phenomenal cosmic powers upon Manville like I used to before I moved into your itty bitty place?"

"His place isn't that itty bitty," grumbled Blitz in the background.

"No!" 'Scotch said, apparently having problems breathing. This was probably due to Eris' roving hands.

"Pity… oh, my master is so tense this morning! Let me give you a massage!" she said, and she leaned in and began nibbling on his ears.

"Ahem!" Dusk said impatiently. "Eris, we've talked about this. Please stop teasing 'Scotch, he'll be incoherent for the rest of the week if you don't."

"Oh you're no fun. He is though. Or will be, later. Tonight. When I find the special box of toys."

I noticed with some amusement how Butterscotch was slowly turning pinker than Eris' clothing.

"Who is that?" I chirped up. "And why do we need her here if she's just going to make that guy pass out from blood loss to the brain?"

Instantly, Eris fixed her gaze on me. I shrank back from it's power. "Oh, my, my, my, what do we have here?"

"She's my gryphon, lady, and if you hurt her I'll break you," growled Dent. "Who the hell are you and what do you want?"

"Oh I don't want much, just a little fun, you can be certain of that."

"Ain't nothing certain in this life but death and taxes," Dent quipped, "so which are you?"

"Well, I have many forms," Eris replied, smiling pertly then sticking her tongue out. "And one of them might have accidentally possibly maybe sometime somehow had a teensy little bit of a part in bringing you here. Both of you."

"You?" I squawked. "I doubt it. Who in hades are you?"

"Oh, I'm Eris, little chick," the woman replied, instantly inches from my beak. "Empress of chaos. I can do anything. Why, I once started a war that lasted for decades… with an apple. They raised no temples to me, when I dwelled in the land of young…" she paused only momentarily, her eyes flashing, "Dent here, but everyone knew my name. I was loved, feared, adored… even the others of my kind trod lightly in my presence."

"And you're incredibly sweet and kind and we would all absolutely love it if you could help us fix things? Please?" asked Scotch, his eyes going wide and bright, "Pretty please?"

Eris turned, and the fight went out of her. "Oh all right. You never let me have any fun."

I blinked. "Can you, uh, put me back to normal then?" I asked.

"Oh, easy peasy," Eris replied, as she crossed her arms, screwed up her eyes and nodded.

"Oh, no, wait, wait, wa—" Dusk began, but was cut off.

There was a burst of pink smoke and Strange place help no where home father gone bad people! Hiss! Claw! Climb! Fly! No sky! Want out! Where and then the smoke cleared and Eris had a contrite expression on her face.

"What?" she asked, "I gave her exactly what she asked for!"

"What… what am I doing up here?" I asked, looking around the bookshelf I found myself perched on. Below me were a pile of books and scrolls. I fluttered down to land in an unceremonial heap on the floor. Dent picked me up, then patted my padded backside comfortingly. And to check on my 'status'. Ugh.

"Eris… turned you back to normal, for this universe," Dusk explained.

"Which was what she asked for!" Eris complained, pouting.

"But not what she wanted. You know what you've done — this world isn't ours. We all want back to our own universe."

"I… want back to a different one from… uh… are you guys all from the universe Gilda's from?" Dent asked.

"Which Gilda," interjected Eris. "Dusk Shine is normally a pony named Twilight Sparkle… unless he's a stallion named Dusk Shine. Or a dragon named Topaz Dream. Or a gryphon. Or a human girl… and Gilda's a world famous racing gryphon, or a human, or a gryphon who fell out with her old friend Dash. None of you are where you should be, and all of you belong here. So…"

"So first of all, what did you do to the elements of harmony?" Dusk growled, crossing his arms.

"Nothing," replied Eris, before she caught sight of Scotch's expression and wilted. "Oh alright. I added a new one. Behold, the Element of Umami, yada yada tadaa poof."

I felt something heavy appear around my neck. It was 'my' collar that we'd left back at home, but with some sort of broach on it featuring a bowl of… soup?

"What," replied Dusk flatly.

"Look, I'm sorry. I thought it would be hilarious. There'd be some monster from some place all whoosh flame roar and then you guys'd get together and waa waa, nothing happens, then poof I'd come in and save the day with the missing element and then… you'd… uh… all… kinda like me a bit more and… uh…"

Was she blushing?

"Only it didn't quite work like it was supposed to, huh?"

Eris shrugged, smiling weakly, "Chaos magic. Sometimes it just… eh."

"Oh come here, pumpkin," said Scotch, and he pulled Eris into a hug. "We all love you and forgive you. Now… if you could just undo what you did, then we can all go home, right guys?" There was a mumbled half-hearted chorus of assent. And then Scotch glared. I don't know what he did, but it made everybody stand up straighter, give each other nervous glances, then loudly proclaim agreement.

"See? Everything's fine. No harm done."

"I… get to go home?" I asked. "I mean, to my home, with Daddy and everything back to the way it was? W-with Dent?"

Dent held up a hand, "Wait, if we're all going home… then I really want to go to my home."

Suddenly my stomach felt very cold, small and hard. "You… you don't want to c-come home? With me?"

Dent's eyes fixed on mine as he picked me up and turned me around. "Gilda, this isn't my world. That world wasn't my world either. My world is… my world. I want to go home too, to my home. And I can't take you with me. I can't do to you what you did to me."

"But… but…" I said, choking back sobs. "I l-love you…"

Dent shook his head. "You love a pet. As a pet. I'm a human, this type of human. Your world… I don't know, I could grow to like it, in some ways… but not as a pet. As I am, your world is horrific. I was tortured, beaten, mutilated, raped and treated like… like a toy. I love you too, Gilda, but not enough to be your toy. I want to go home, where I have dignity and freedom. Eris, please send me to my world."

"Oh alright. When I dissolve the seventh element, all this will cease to be. You'll go back where you belong. I don't know quite what you were doing in her world, but… if you've had enough, then I guess I can send you home. If you give me a kiss."

"Eris…"

"A peck on the cheek? Oh, alright. A hug then."

"I can do a hug," snorted Dent, and he put me down… and strode over to Eris, giving her the biggest hug I'd ever seen. I couldn't help it, I started bawling. He was my human! Mine! And I was losing him and I'd never see him again and everything was going wrong and I was so far away from home and Daddy was in a stall and, and, and…

And suddenly, Dent was hugging me again, holding me tight. "It's okay, princess," he said, softly, kissing my beak. "It's okay. I'll always love you. You always treated me well, always… but I can't take you back to my world, you'd die alone a million miles from anything familiar. And that's why I can't go with you either. Because I'm alone. So very, very alone. And as shitty as my world can get… it's home. Please forgive me. Eris, do it."

"Everypony hold on," said Eris, as she crossed her arms, screwed up her eyes and blinked—

Please don't go Dent, please no, Dent, please stay, please, I love you Dent. Don't go Dent! Stay Dent, Dent, Dent—

I Had A Dream

Your Human And You

Gryphon Half A Chance

Ch. 7

"Dent! Dent! DENT!" Gilda opened her eyes to find me staring into them in concern. Her thrashing about had woken me with a start, bringing back brief, painful memories of my arrival in this world.

"Hey stupid," she said, after a few moments of blinking and working her beak soundlessly. If I hadn't known her as well as I did, I'd have been angry. I grinned, impishly, and tweaked her beak. She shied back and shook herself, feathers fluffing up.

"Get off, dummy," she said languidly, but failed to move.

I crooned happily back, stroking her body. Uncharacteristically, she hugged me, a full-body embrace. "Don't ever leave me," she whispered, "please…"

She pulled back, so I leaned forwards and kissed her on the beak. This made her chuckle.

"You're in a chipper mood, still feeling frisky, huh?" Gilda got up, groaning with pleasure, and rolled out of bed, stretching. "Well tough, because I've got to—" She paused as she spied the necklace on the dresser. She clicked her beak thoughtfully, then picked it up and padded back to the bed with it. "I was going to… do something. Say something. About you," she added. "But I don't remember… I had this really weird dream, Dent. You were in it, and you could… you could… you went..." She stopped, her eyes unfocusing.

I got up off the bed and walked over to her, slightly worried. Maybe she was ill? I guess gryphons could get sick, right?

"Ah, it doesn't matter. It was just a dream. And you're here." She reached out the claw carrying the gem and moved to put it over my head, I shied away. I may not have been able to talk, but that didn't mean I couldn't communicate.

Gilda sighed as she looked down at it. "Okay, I guess you wouldn't want to… not after that. I just thought, I thought… oh well." She turned to take it back, but I caught at her wing and pulled. She looked at me curiously.

"What is it, boy?"

I took hold of the necklace gingerly, looking at it this way and that. Laughing, Gilda held it out to me.

"It's okay, boy. I won't make you… I won't make you do anything you don't want to. Here, keep it, throw it away. It's yours. Just don't eat it."

That's what I wanted to hear. I pulled it from her grasp, and slipped it over my neck, then wolf-whistled, flicking my eyebrows suggestively. Gilda blinked, then burst out in a squawking laugh.

"Where did you... " she shook her head, then hopped her foreclaws up on her bed and shook her rear end. "I give up trying to understand you. Come on, boy, I guess we've got time for a little fun. If you're… if you want. It's okay. I promise. I won't hurt you. I won't force you. I won't… n-not like that pony."

Gilda was angry, jinking from paw to paw to claws, her wings fluttering, but not as angry as me. I didn't let it show, though, because I wasn't angry with her. I sauntered up behind her, already at attention, and put my hands on her hips, one on either side of her tail which was brushing my nose teasingly.

I moved closer, slowly and carefully. I could feel Gilda's taut attention, riveted on my presence. She warbled, clacking her beak nervously. I heard her gulp.

"It's okay," she whispered, "it's okay. Easy now. It's okay. If you want, gently…"

I leaned in closer, widening my stance. I could feel the heat from her nether-regions like a blast-furnace on my crotch, my cock aching to penetrate her soft mound, pulsing with my heartbeat as I thrust ever so slowly forwards until—

Knock knock!

Gilda turned, and squawked out a loud, angry rough, "What!?" at the door.

"Uh, your highness," came a hesitant voice, "Lord Abraxis wishes to kn-know i-if his daughter will be at-attending dinner?"

Gilda's head snapped round to the clock on her dresser. "Guano! It's that late?" she hissed, under her breath. Then, louder, at the door, she called, "Yes, yes, of course, I will. We will," she added, looking at me. "Dent was feeling a little poorly after his visit with the vet this morning and I, uh, felt a little sleepy. So we both slept together—"

I cringed. That particular choice of words wouldn't have been first on my list…

"—uh, I mean, we both t-took a nap—"

"Of course your highness," replied the voice, even and non-judgemental. Suspiciously so. I rolled my eyes.

"—and I didn't realize what the time was. I shall be down at once." Gilda craned her head round to look at me. "Well, as soon as possible. Dent needs a shower."

I sniffed myself. I stank of sex, feathers and fur. If even I could smell the stink of Gilda all over me, I was pretty sure the ponies and gryphons could. A shower was a good idea.

"Very well."

I heard the pony on the other side of the locked door turn around and leave. I huffed, then turned my head to the en suite.

"And where do you think you're going?" intoned Gilda. She ruffled her head-feathers then swished her tail. "We've got time for a shower, but we've also got time for… if you want…"

Oh, well then.

I grabbed onto her haunches again, holding tightly, I heard Gilda croon encouragingly and I watched as her wings fluttered.

You really want this, huh? Well, I'd be lying if I said I didn't. You're my Mistress, and you deserve things that make you happy. And, just perhaps, so do I…

I moved closer, inch by inch, getting myself into position before gently, ever so gently, placing my cock at the entrance to her pleasure cave. Rubbing it up and down sensually, I felt her juices coat it. Still sticky from earlier, the sickly sweet stink of pony juices were replaced by the coarser, wet and spicier smell of gryphon. Gilda's crooning turned from breathy and slight to full-throated as her cuntlips engorged. I moaned with her, and in a single, slow thrust, eased my cock inside her tight depths.

She was tight, much tighter than the pony had been. Not really surprising — shut up, I doubt any of you are hung like a horse either — but very welcome. Tight as she was, though, she was slick with juices, and as hot as a soldering iron. I could feel her heat penetrating my body, flowing up and down my legs and chest much as her maidenly juices coated my skin. She was thrusting with me, eagerly meeting my motion.

As her heat enveloped my fleshy rod, I sunk into her body, laying myself onto her back, nibbling and nipping all her her fur and feathers, licking and kissing at my Gilda's body. as I hilted deep inside her, I mock-growled and bit at her haunches, pulling at her ruff with my teeth. She threw back her head and squawked long and high, her wings fluttering out fully.

Reaching under one wing, I grasped the inner ridge and pulled myself tighter. The other arm I threw first across her back, then swept under her belly to rub and pinch her soft, downy underbelly fur. Rubbing my whole body against her back, I penetrated her folds with joyous abandon.

"Oh Dent, oh first egg… first feathers… fire and frost! I… never… knew… oh yes… just… like… oh… Dent!" Gilda was finding it hard to speak, mostly because every time I hilted inside her, she'd give a little squeak and tense up, clamping down around my cock, forcing it back out as I pushed in, and milking hard on it when I tried to pull out.

Schluck, schluck, shluck, our mating continued apace. It was bestial, raw, urgent… and mutual.

It was with a squeak of surprise that I pulled her and myself up onto the bed, where she rolled on top of me. I didn't miss a beat, and just kept on keeping on. She wriggled, pulling herself free of my grasp, before standing above me, flicking her tail. She looked down, under her body, at my Little Dent, before looking back up at me.

"Oh this is so…. so naughty! We're doing it human style!" she cried, as she lowered her haunches down, rather awkwardly, and speared herself once more on my cock.

I reached up around the barrel of her body and snuggled her closer, thrusting upwards into her warm depths, the neck charm giving me unparalleled sexual stamina. It wasn't, however, giving me physical stamina. Our love-making moved into a slower phase, not that this deterred Gilda. Her "doing it human style" just inflamed her passions even more.

"Oh this is so… dirty! Mmf! Rrf! Oh yes! Come on!"

I have to admit, it was rather… dominating, to have her on top like that. I liked it, but I can't say her particular anatomy was making the physical aspect all that easy. So I rolled on top of her, growling and biting at her chest. This succeeded in making her squeal and squawk louder, and then she rolled us over again, growling back, nipping at my shoulder and arms. Not about to let her win the match, we rolled again… onto the floor.

We growled and snapped, biting and nipping until we ended up against the wall where, with a clatter as we shoved the dresser and her dressing screen out the way, Gilda raised up on her hind legs and put her foreclaws up high. I grabbed around her chest, found my mark and hit the spot.

Moments later, a hot flood of fluid poured out between her legs as the pair of us climaxed as one. She slumped against the wall, tongue hanging out the side of her beak. I leaned up against her, honestly shaken, as I scrabbled to remove — and drop — the necklace.

That was quite enough of that.

"Tartarus' halls!" Gilda gasped as she dropped to the floor then dragged herself to the bed. She lay there, gasping. "I didn't know… that it could be… like that!"

I sniffed myself. I smelled worse than before. Or better — it depended who you asked, I guessed.

Turning to Gilda, I raised an eyebrow, then thought about it a little — lions had sex for about sixty seconds a pop. We'd been going for close to thirty times that. She was all sexed out.

There was a hesitant knock on the door, followed by, "Er, miss?"

Oh crap, the shower before dinner! Which we really, really needed!

I sprinted to the en suite and just turned taps until a black and stormy little cloud meandered out of the overhead spouts. It sent a small spray of lightning sparks into the bathroom, and then proceeded to rain hot water into an oversized tub. I shrugged — when in, uh, pone. Thankfully the nosy help got the message. I heard her turn around to leave again.

"Okay! I'll just leave you to it!"

I snuck back out to come face to beak with Gilda. I grinned.

"Ohh no, you need a shower too. Get in." Swiftly, she closed the door, blocked any potential exit, and manhandled — was it gryphonhandled? — me into the shower. Gratefully, I washed myself down, working the warm and refreshing water into every nook and cranny. And then, when I'd finished working soap into my own body, I started working soap into Gilda's. Rubbing my whole body against her, I wasn't sure if we were getting rid of the evidence or making it worse. Either way, it was nice to be that close and intimate. Without the necklace, I was thankfully no longer at attention. To be honest, it was starting to hurt.

Some time later, Gilda turned the water off. Then she grabbed me tightly and pushed a button.

I don't know if you've ever been in the middle of a hurricane, but I can bet it was sort of like this. Only… not so useful. Warm air blasted throughout the room, scaring away whatever droplets were left, scouring them from our bodies. In moments, Gilda went from sopping wet, to dog-smell damp to glistening and dry. I raked one of her brushes through my hair — much to her disapproval — and then turned my attention to her fur. Tigers may not be able to purr, but gryphons can. Very reluctantly, she eventually had me stop.

"Enough, enough, I'm ready you doofus. Cawed, you'll make me sleepy and then we'll be even later for dinner! Come on."

I dutifully followed my mistress out of her bedroom and through the house, until we came to the dining room. And there I discovered we had guests.

My first thought, upon seeing the enormous white mare seated demurely at the table, was they come that big!?

My second was, wait, they can come with both wings AND horn!?

Author's Note

Just a quickie!

Flappy Princess Unicorn

Your Human And You

Gryphon Half A Chance

Ch. 8

Whilst my brain was going bigwhitehorseflyingunicornwhathuh, Gilda had stiffened, then curtsied. Even to my 'finely tuned' senses, I immediately knew something was up — after all, nothing flusters a gryphon.

"I-I'm sorry we're late, Celestia your majesty. My dork of a human was, uh, being difficult about his bath."

The huge winged unicorn, named Celestia apparently, stood up demurely and covered her muzzle with a hoof to hide the smile, then took a breath and replied, "That's quite—" she paused, and her nostrils flared exactly once "—quite alright." Then she just… smirked, as she took a sip of tea. She hid it well, but that was a real, bona fide smirk.

I'd just been in a shower, surely she couldn't smell…

"Oh don't worry Gilda dear," Celestia said smoothly, "I know just how humans can be." And then she very definitely winked, with her eye on the side opposite Abraxis, where he couldn't see.

Did she just… no, surely not…

"You have met my daughter?" Abraxis asked in surprise, looking from his prodigy to what had to be some sort of queen-horse and back.

"Oh no, not in the feathers," Celestia replied, "but my former pupil and her friends did have the pleasure whilst she stayed in Ponyville a while ago."

"Oh? I thought…" Abraxis looked at his daughter, thoughtfully, troubled.

Celestia shook her head then said, diplomatically, "Meeting old friends after a long time apart can be… hard. Ponies change, as do gryphons. But I know, Gilda my dear, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my little ponies in Ponyville are just as much ready to be a friend to you as they are with each other. It is… part of the reason I am here. To personally invite you back. Rainbow Dash misses you."

Gilda turned her head, looking away. "I... can't. I'm… it's all different now. I'm different."

"We're never the same people we used to be. I'm sure you're as different a Gilda now than from the Gilda you were when you last visited us." Celestia took a sip of tea again. "But that isn't why I'm here," she continued, turning to look straight at me, her gaze piercing. "I came because I have a business offer for your father, Lord Abraxis."

"No, you may not purchase my daughter's human," Abraxis stated simply, before tearing into his plate of steaming meat. The implicit threat was palpable. I took a step back at the force of it.

"What? Oh, no! Ah ha ha!" Celestia laughed brightly and honestly, covering her muzzle with one hoof. "I wouldn't think of separating this human and your daughter like that! Oh goodness me, no. I came to order a shipment of fine silks and cloth for a minor renovation project in the West wing. Seeing as this initial investment may lead to further business relations, I thought it prudent to judge your character first hoof. Seeing your remarkable pet is merely a side-benefit."

Abraxis leaned his head forwards in interest, far over the table from his low divan-like seat. "A major purchase? With more to follow? I am intrigued. Go on."

"Quite. And... between you and me, I envy your ability to travel. I may not be able to go on such merchant tours as your good self, but… one can perhaps live vicariously, harmlessly and fruitfully through another? Would you tell me of your travels, my good Lord Abraxis? Perhaps… start with this human? I hear he is a new addition to your household."

I narrowed my eyes. So, that's how she's playing it, is she?

"A... meeting of purposes is it, then?" Abraxis asked, slowly smoothing his ruffled feathers.

"Of course! I must admit that I am very interested in hearing more about your remarkable sport human. My chief human ethologist was most insistent I learn more about him. If I don't write her a satisfactory report, she will be most vexed." Celestia chuckled to herself.

"A princess, interested in humans?" stated Abraxis, in some disbelief. It was all I could do not to echo it with a snort of disbelief.

So it's Princess Celestia, huh?

"I have a passing fancy in the creatures myself of course," Celestia replied, in an off-hoof manner. "They're very important to our economy. Not in… quite the same way as for you gryphons, given your unique diets, but still very important. There have been discussions amongst our breeders to aim for a larger stock, or stronger… or smarter."

And then she looked at me. Right at me. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit…

"Oh? Oh my, oh hohoho, then I'm sorry to inform you that your journey may have been wasted. My daughter's human may be a sport, but he's also been gelded. He was a wild-caught male, after all."

Celestia choked on her tea, hiding her shock behind a swift dabbing of her napkin. "Oh, oh my," she said, finally. "How did he, uh, respond?"

"Oh a bit grumpy at first, weren't you, boy? Come on, Dent, come here. Good boy, Dent, Come on," Abraxis said to me. "He's very well trained," he continued, to Celestia. "Looks like he's a bit shy."

Truth be told, I was shaking. I could tell that the creature in front of me — this huge, winged and armoured equine with a unicorn's horn — could throw me around like a ragdoll from across the room, or snap my bones like twigs with barely a thought.

"I'm afraid many humans find me intimidating. I can't really figure out why, I wouldn't hurt a fly."

Somehow, I didn't quite believe her. Slowly, fearfully, I walked up to Abraxis. I kept my eyes on the ground and shrunk in close to my Mistress' father. He batted my hands away from my crotch. I'd been naked for months, but in front of Celestia… it mattered.

"Stop fussing, Dent. I want to show you off!"

In the end, Abraxis set me lying down on the table so he could show off his handiwork. I just lay back, eyes closed.

"See? Neat incisions, sutures to prevent blood loss… Princess, I beg of you, teach human anatomy — and pony anatomy — in greater detail to your subjects. I know your ponies are not… like us gryphons, but if you wish to improve the lot of your humans, your ponies must learn more advanced surgical techniques. Your current level of medical knowledge is barbaric at best, leading to suffering, and I do so despise making our livestock suffer."

Celestia seemed unruffled at such bluntness, though I thought I noticed a momentary flicker of… annoyance? Shame? "Oh my, that is… neat. You say he didn't complain much?" Celestia looked frankly and without disdain at my shame, then up at Abraxis.

"No, no. Recovery time was a few days, his… ahem, postpartum treatments have been few and far between. He's a happy chap, aren't you Dent? Good boy, Dent."

"May I… approach him personally?"

"Oh, I think so. He won't bite. Lay stillnow, Dent. It's okay. She won't hurt you."

I shivered, eyes still closed, shaking, as Celestia stepped closer. I felt her hot breath rove across my body before tickling my neck as she bent her mouth close to my ear, and whispered, "I know."

My eyes shot opened as I looked up into her face. She winked.

Suddenly ignoring me, she stepped back. "Yes, my dear Lord Abraxis, you do indeed have a wonderful specimen here. Tell me of his discovery?"

"Why so much interest in a sport, though?" Abraxis replied cheerfully.

"Well I always worry about my little humans, taken out of everything they know, out of their own worlds, and brought into ours."

Oh shit oh shit oh shit…

"Wild humans have it rougher, far rougher, of course. Their lives are often nasty, brutal and short… but for domesticated humans, they are taken into our homes, into our very families. They require special attention, so far from everything they know. Even those hardy chaps you have in your stables are amongst their own kind, but for family pets… we are all they have. We must act as their spokesmares, their confidants and their protectors. I have often wondered, you know, just what they could tell us… if they could speak."

That was my cue. "Eeh ooh, ooh aah aah!" I squawked, before flipping off the table and scuttling back to Gilda. I hid under her wing, pulling it around my body.

"Oh get out of it you dork! Stop misbehaving! Sit at the table, Dent, and have something to eat like a good human!"

Reluctantly, I left the relative safety of her wings and perched on a chair like a bird, not sitting as I usually would. I bent my head down in quick, watchful bites to snatch mouthfuls of my meal. They'd given me meat again — not human, of course. They'd tried human once, then spent the rest of the day trying to get me to come down off the highest bookshelf I could find — in a big bowl with my name on it. I was loud and messy, in best 'toddler Dent' mode that I usually only used when I knew they wanted me to stay clean and I was feeling rather contrary. I could tell Gilda was trying to melt into the floor, Abraxis just laughed and ignored it. Celestia, though, was unreadable, but I swore I caught her glancing in my direction more than once, smiling with mirth as well as… something else.

"You know Gilda, you really should come to see Ponyville again. In fact, should your father's business and mine proceed apace, perhaps you should come in person to Canterlot to present yourself! I know Rarity would just adore the challenge of whipping you up some fantastic outfit to wow my increasingly vapid nobles." Celestia rolled her eyes as Abraxis choked on his leg of… whatever-it-was. "Oh I mean it! And bring your human, otherwise Tin Berg, my royal ethologist, would simply never give me a moment's peace! She does get rather… enthusiastic. But don't worry, she's perfectly discrete." Celestia winked again. Subtlety, thy name is mare.

The meal went on, with Abraxis speaking of his travels, waxing poetic and long-winded. Celestia seemed genuinely interested, passing the time with neatly placed compliments and smalltalk which eventually translated to full on business dealings. I soon lost interest in trying to understand what was being said, and concentrated fully on why this strange flying unicorn was here. Though my Spider Sense was tingling the whole time, nothing more was said to or about me, personally, and I was left with the echo of those two words — I know — to haunt me long after I slipped gratefully from the room as Gilda made her excuses and left.

Just can't have a normal day...

Your Human And You

Gryphon Half A Chance

Ch. 9

Gilda stalked along the corridors of her family's home, grumbling to herself. I couldn't really make out the words, but then it was partly because I was struggling to keep up. A sassed gryphon is a barely contained bundle of fury and feathers that moves surprisingly quickly when it wants to.

The words from Gilda that I could make out, however, sounded a lot like variations on 'Celestia' and 'nose bigger than her horn'.

I almost ran up her butt when she stopped outside her room and announced, loudly, "I'm going out! Dent, stay!"

I wasn't having any of it today, though. With Celestia still on the grounds somewhere, I wanted to be elsewhere if Mistress wasn't there to deflect attention. Not to mention I was still more than a little paranoid about… attention from elsewhere. I slipped past her and fetched my leash from hooks on the wall then returned. I couldn't clip it to my collar so I bit the end in my teeth and held out the other end.

"No! No, Dent, you stay."

Not this time, princess, I told myself. This time, I would use my most fearsome weapon… puppydog eyes! After a few long seconds of taking in those deep pools of forever flowing sadness, she wilted.

She sighed exasperatedly and snatched the leash from me. "Fine!"

Smirking, I followed her out. She hadn't even bothered to attach it.

***

With how long I'd been in this strange world — at times it felt like mere days, others like it had been years already, funny how time flies — I didn't think I'd ever get used to seeing talking horses acting like beasts of burden. I know, weird, right? I mean here I am, talking human — almost at least — being treated like a beast, whilst admittedly not beast-of-burden creatures are… look, the talking ponies still pulled wagons. The mind boggles.

Mistress and I sat in the relatively comfy open-top wagon as the miles slid by. I had bundled myself up in furs and regretted the whole 'being naked' thing almost immediately. It wasn't cold — for some reason, out here, there was no winter. Apparently the townsfolk didn't want any of that snow truck — but it certainly was breezy. I was pretty used to things by now, but was still missing my clothes. Even though they'd been made by a rapist.

Oh damn.

Sitting in the cart was giving me time to reflect. Shit. I could feel myself starting to shake now that everything was catching up to me… I'd been raped. And then I'd tried to drown out the recollection by dumb-ass rationalizations and bestiality. Man, I was such a piece of shit…

"Oh Dent, I'm so glad you live with me," Gilda whispered, suddenly.

What?

"You know… I do get lonely sometimes. I know, I know, we're gryphons. We're supposed to be strong, powerful, independent creatures… nothing like those namby pamby ponies, right?"

I heard a soft whicker of laughter from one of the two pulling the wagon. "Don't you go thinkin' you need to be a rock, little miss," said one of the pair. "But even rocks get worn down by those walkin' on them. You just need friends, they lift you up. Like your human there; he's a real keeper. I can see it in his eyes, so deep it's like… I don't know. Let him be your herd, you know what I'm saying?"

"I think I do, Breezy," Gilda replied, sighing.

"My little girl wants a human," the pony called Breezy added, "but I just haven't found the right one. I hope I don't have to go as far as your father did to find that one."

Nothing made sense; I was a piece of shit, my made-of-iron mistress had a warm and gooey center… what next?

It turned out that 'what next' was the pony village I'd heard about from Gilda.

Well, I say 'pony village' but there seemed to be a number of gryphons, trolls I was reliably informed were called 'diamond dogs' and even what looked like stags and minotaurs around too, and all of them were hawking their wares in some sort of faire.

One minotaur was selling knitted hats. I picked one up as our party of four split down to two. I was astonished, to see such a human-looking garment on display. It had long floppy tassels on the ears. I put it on.

"Oh, Dent, put it back!" scolded Gilda. "Honestly, why did I bring you?"

I grinned at her apologetically and went to take it off, but the minotaur — an incredibly large individual that towered several feet above my head — just gently put it back on again. When the ringing in my ears had stopped, I understood that he wanted me to advertise his store.
He tied a little fetish resembling his sign to one tassle, then shooed me off. Goofily, I hugged him — carefully, he wasn't wearing much either — then sauntered off whirling the other tassle.

Gilda, behind me, put a claw to her beak and sighed, pinching the bridge of it.

Pretty soon, I learned that being a human at an open market rocked. So long as I was cute, I could get away with murder. Well, less 'murder' and more 'armfuls of free treats, food and gifts'. People — ponies, gryphons, everyone — were lining up to give me things just so long as I acted adorable on command. It was like taking candy from babies.

Don't look at me like that, I never said that I actually took candy from babies. In reality, I gave half of my growing stash away to the foals, chicks and pups that followed me around ceaselessly. I found myself swapping candies for the bows that foals put in their manes and tails, or small combs, shiny beads… I snagged a totebag from a laughing salespony into which I upended most of my stuff, not that it stayed there; I had to keep the show up, after all, so was constantly offering things to everyone.

The faire was huge, it looked like it was a real put-on deal rather than just an everyday things, not that I could be sure, even with the presence of armoured militia ponies milling about to keep the peace. Streamers and bunting hung from every available site, snatches of music floated past on the wind and everywhere I looked, people of all shapes and sizes — humans included — were enjoying themselves.

This made it all the more painful when it all went pear-shaped. Suddenly, in the midst of all the fun, there was a single shriek, which quickly turned into a concerto of screams. My head snapped around as, behind a rapidly growing stream of creatures thundering past me, I saw a strange-looking human stagger out of the nearby brush. Even in the powerful sunlight, his pale skin seemed to glow with sickly colours where pulsating veins of black and red criss-crossed his body. I thought I could even see tendrils of black emerging from very sunken eyes, and a tongue that was almost purple protruding from a slack, slathering mouth.

"Luna's moon," I heard one pony say with a sharp intake of breath, "Black Vine! Fern! Feerrrnn!"

"Save the humans! Get them back! Get everypony back!" cried another.

Black Vine? I wondered, save the humans? This sounded serious. Still, more serious than that was that a little green earthpony was currently hunched up onto her hind legs, ears splayed back, only feet from this obviously aggressive human. Nothing good could come of that, I thought to myself, as the crazed human snarled, leaped forwards, picked up the foal… and bit into her flank.

Oh shit, dawg, not on my watch.

Grimly, I put the totebag down. There's aggressive, and then there's rabid, and then… and then there was whatever this was. I leaned over and picked up a spade from a nearby stall, hefted it thoughtfully and then made my decision. Moments later, I was thundering my way towards the squealing, screaming, bleeding pony and the savage monster that was trying its best to eat her alive.

I eyed the spade in my hand, then shook my head. I was about to do the unthinkable… no, I was about to do this creature the same courtesy any good farmer would. I was going to put it down. This wasn't a human, not any more. I didn't know what was up, but the phrase 'cannibal zombie' didn't seem too far fetched, given everything else I'd had to put up with, not that the 'zombie' part needed to stick.

Despite screams behind me which moments later I realized were from an incredibly concerned Gilda, I was closing the distance between myself and what was left of the human. Something was very, very wrong with it. It looked like a bad case of raging hentai had exploded over a box of kale, which had subsequently had an illicit one-night stand with a cadaver, giving birth to an unholy mess of skin, bones, glowing tendrils and pus.

And it was eating a living foal, tearing chunks out with its teeth. With a shriek that belied belief, I saw it wrench at a leg for a bigger helping of meat.

This was going to end now.

"Rrrroaaaaarrrrggghhhhh!" I shouted as I closed the distance between us, and swung the shovel with full force. The creature looked up in surprise at my battle cry, an almost comical expression on its face, as the flat of the blade connected. The foal dropped like a sack of wet meat, mewling pitifully, as the body of the human somersaulted around my makeshift weapon.

Breathing heavily, I spat at the twitching mess, then turned to the foal. She was hurt badly, but alive — for now. I mumbled to her as best I could, wishing that just for one moment more my ability to speak would return. I looked up as I heard tentative, heavy hoofsteps clip-clop towards us.

"Do you… think he's been bit?" asked an armoured militia pony.

"Chalk, we're gonna have to know real soon now…" replied the other. "Did you find us a vet? And the rest of the town guards? And are there more infected? Troll's teeth, it's blackvine! There's never just the one! Never! Where's it coming from?"

"I dunno Amber, but better safe than sorry… better to put him down now rather than watch him turn into one of… oh Luna's left nipple ring!"

The thoughts that ran through my head were swift and sparkling in their intensity. Put me down? What? Wait… they're not just upset about me, but about—

I turned, picked up the shovel and stood in one smooth move as what I thought had been a cadaver got up off the freaking floor. Its neck was broken in several places, most of its teeth were decorating the fairground, and the less said about its nose, the better… and it was still fucking moving!

Only one thing to do.

CLONG!

I hit it in the face again, and watched it go down.

CLANG! SPRONG! THUNK! THWACK!

"Don't just stand there you idiots, put it down! Hit it again! Make sure it's—" a voice rang out. I was only to happy to oblige; whatever this was, alive was something it wasn't.

I hit it. I hit it and hit it and hit it and hit it until it stopped moving. And then, carefully putting the blade at shoulder level, I stomped on the shovel with all my might until I heard something crack and split like an overripe melon. And then I fell back, weeping, curling myself into a tight ball of despair, wailing into the ether.

Dimly, I began to be aware of voices.

"I think he's okay. Please, please… please, I think he's okay!" That was Gilda.

"Miss, we should be—" began one of the two guardsponies, Chalk or Amber, I wasn't sure which. I didn't care which.

"Step aside, gentleponies," said a new, prim voice. "I am Celestia's royal ethologist, here on business. I have great experience with not only humans, but the worst effects of Blackvine Infection. I can tell you right now, without the shadow of a doubt, that this human is not infected. He does, however, need medical attention. You, go make sure that little filly is okay, and you — keep everypony back please. At once."

There were murmurs of assent, and then I heard one of the two guardsponies barking orders. And then there was silence, but only for a moment.

"It's him, isn't it?" said the prim voice, though now it held a quiver that hadn't been there before.

"Him who?" asked Gilda. The tone of her voice was almost enough to make me immediately uncurl from my tight ball with curiosity.

"The sport. The sport! The sport Morticia wrote me about! Oh my, my, my… come on handsome, let me get a look at you! There we are…"
Under the admittedly tender ministrations of a large, prim-and-proper earthpony mare, I uncurled and, slowly, stopped shaking. When my vision had cleared, I noted that her mane was black and her body was white, with what looked like some sort of staff with a snake as a butt tattoo. A medical pony, but for 'animals', I mused. She put a hoof to my head, and gently wiped away a few spatters of blood and grime.

"Yes, yes, I can feel it, his body heat! ninety eight point six! And… yes! Incisors! Oh, I knew it! I knew it! Another one!"

I gagged as she put a hoof past my lips, gently forcing my mouth open and depressing my tongue, but repressed any and all urges to do anything hasty. Questions about being put down still rang heavy in my mind.

"Another… wait, what? And… is he gonna be okay? Please tell me he's gonna be okay, that… that was blackvine! Am I… is he… is he gonna die?"

"Oh, no, my girl, no. He's special, so very, very special." Furtively looking around, the pony leaned in close to Gilda and hissed quietly but intensely, "he's immune!"

"He's what!?" sputtered Gilda, causing the earth pony to twitch in alarm and furtively look about.

"We had a case, just like this, a few years ago. The same sub-species… they might be an entirely different species, actually… but they're immune to blackvine infection! Oh this is incredible! I never thought I'd… and then Celestia didn't let me visit with her, said I should wait for an opportunity, called me pushy, hah! But I came anyway! I just never thought...! I mean… oh, yes, the foal, this is… terrible, but… so awesome!"

I raised one eyebrow reflexively. This pony was crazy.

"Tin," said the pony, suddenly.

"What?" asked Gilda.

"Tin, Tin Berg. Royal Ethologist, at your disposal," she said, out of the corner of her muzzle. She hadn't taken her eyes off me for the last few minutes. I felt like the last pastry in the box.

"I don't suppose you could get your hoof out of my pet's mouth, then?" asked Gilda.

"Oh. Well, I… I guess," said Tin, taking one last wistful look at my teeth. "He's special," she repeated. "One of very, very few examples of his kind I've heard about. I bet he's smart, right?"

"Well he's...clever," said Gilda, suspiciously, "but… he's just a human."

"No, no, he's different. Teeth, body temperature, height, strength… intelligence. Watch!"

Reaching her head into a shoulder-bag I hadn't noticed before, the crazy pony pulled out a small squeaky ball. She squeaked it a few times, then pointedly put it back into her bag. I turned to Gilda as if to say "what?"

"See, a normal human… squeaky toys? They love them. He'd have been all over me to get it."

"He's… he's still… you're practically sitting on him! And he's well-trained!"

"Let's see, shall we?" Tin moved back, then got two objects out of her bag; the squeaky toy and a smaller bag, a packet even, of tools, gauzes and other medical-type implements.

"I'll give you this, young man," said Tin, squeaking the ball playfully, "if you let me take a closer look at you. Gilda, isn't it? I've heard of your father. How is he if you take his toys away?"

"What? Why?"

"I want to take a blood sample, to verify he really is clean of infection — he's going to be under quarantine until we can be sure — and I want to take your temperature, don't I, boy? Don't I! Yes I do! So open up!"

I obediently opened my mouth.

"Too bad it's a rectal thermometer," she added, eyes shining.

Snap! My teeth almost shattered with how fast I closed my mouth.

Tin just leaned closer, eyes glowing with mirth and conquest. "I knew it!" she whinnied triumphantly. "Oh, I have so many questions for Celestia… so many! So many! All the questions!"

Tin's euphoria was tempered only by the arrival of more guards, unicorns this time dressed in fancier, different garb. They swiftly set about blanketing the place with spells that smelled like mouthwash and bleach, whilst two more oversaw incinerating the remains of the poor creature I'd executed.

Amidst all of this, a distraught mare shoved her way up to our little group, despite protestations from the guards.

"No! I have to… I ju-just have to say… thank you. Gilda, isn't it? Abraxis' chick? Thank you, y-your human, he… if he hadn't… little Fern, my foal, is going to be okay. Sh-she's hurt, she might lose a leg, but… she'll live. Thanks to… he's your human, isn't he? Is he going to be okay?"

"Yes, my dear mare, the human is safe, he's fine. Nothing to worry about. He's not been infected, thank Celestia, but please do keep your distance, and advise everyone with a human to go home immediately, and to report any suspicious behaviour at once." Tin was back to being prim and proper, instead of the giddy nerd she'd been mere moments before. Nervously, the mare bowed her head, then retreated.

"So for now, Gilda, I want to check up on him tomorrow. Tonight he will stay here, under my observation. If he truly shows no symptoms tomorrow, a second blood test will tell us for sure he is as clean as I utterly believe he is. Nurse? Nurse!" Tin called out. An answering whinny brought hooves thundering closer. "Stage one decon of this lovely fellow, and then I want him asleep until dawn tomorrow. We're under general quarantine. Send orders immediately for a cleanup crew to find that blackvine and burn it out! I want to know if this was an attempt on Celestia's life or just a random encounter, and I want to know yesterday!"

"Wait, you're going to put him to sle—" I heard Gilda begin, and then I felt a mild shock and everything went black.

Author's Note

Alternative chapter title: "Don't taze me, mare!"

There is research to be done...

Your Human And You

Gryphon Half A Chance

Ch. 10

Have you ever gone from zero to firing on all six cylinders in a single moment? This was kind of like that. All of a sudden, and the world was just turned back on, like a lightswitch.

I sat bolt upright, rigid with anticipation of a zap that had been and gone some hours ago, by all accounts, before slumping slowly. "She fuckin' tazed me!?" I complained aloud, or rather tried to. It came out as a mixture of screeches and spitting growls.

I remained sitting up in the bed, where I'd woken a few scant seconds ago, blinking as the world swam into focus. The bed was in a tent. The entire bed and all of its coverings were white, it was utilitarian, comfortable and warm. The tent, too, was white. Only the floor was still green, though covered in something that looked like thick, heavy-duty carpets making walkways through what would have otherwise been mud by now, I guessed.

As I turned my head, I found myself surrounded by a collection of Equestrian fruits, chocolates and other gifts. And what looked like a card signed, in very wobbly mouthwriting, Fern.

I laid back, thoughtfully. Fern. She was the reason I was here. She made it, then.

Weird machines stood around the bed, most of them went beep or ding or otherwise whooshed, clicked and ticked.

Pulling out what looked like a pretty standard needle hooked up to what to all intents and purposes looked like a normal saline drip, I quickly removed the last of the apparatus hooked up to my body before swinging my legs around.

As I moved, I realized something felt weird.

Apparently even in Equestria, there's only one really useful way of dealing with an unconscious patient's bodily functions. I could feel the equestrian diaper's warm, sodden mass between my legs, bunched up around my buttcheeks and swaddling my crotch. It was an unwelcome, uncomfortable reminder of my station… or maybe that was unfair, they probably had exactly the same things for ponies.

Idly, I wondered how that would work. Would they have special holes for the tails? Would they need to sling further forwards for the stallions? How absorbent would they have to be!? Crikey! These ponies were smaller than Terran horses, but they could still pee like, well, racehorses. I bet the diapers here were fantastically absorbent.

Oh… oh no. Maybe they were magically absorbent? It might be days before I got a change. Ugh!

I jumped off the bed, stood, then almost fell as a wave of nausea and vertigo swept through me. Too bad the thumping in my head was quickly drowned out by the unified complaints of every single piece of magical technological hardware in the tri-state area.

"Augh! Huargh! Aargh!" I grumbled, batting ineffectually at them all, trying to find an off switch.

"Quickly!" came a cry, as three ponies tumbled into the structure. "Turn them all off, get him restrained, those are expensive. Calm him down! Give him something to eat, he's probably just hungry!"

Ah yes, little miss happy-tazey. I pointed a finger at Tin and growled.

"On second thought," said Tin, "sedate him."

Oh shi—

For some reason, I felt a lot better about everything this time. Well, everything except what I was still wearing. Moving to get up again, I realized all four limbs were tied down, and that try as I might, I couldn't bend enough to even think of biting at the straps. I struggled weakly trying to get myself free, but to no avail. Thrashing, I did manage to reveal that both my diaper and my body restraints were the same kind of magically reinforced and operated deal as my collar. No luck there, then.

To think, I thought grimly, some people would pay a lot of good money for something like this…

"The subject is awake," whispered Tin, as she slipped in the flap-door, hoping I hadn't seen her. "Shows some minor signs of distress, but is otherwise normal. Body temperature normal — for this subspecies — and blood work is clean. Subject 'Dent' does indeed appear to be immune to blackvine infection. Presence of infection rapidly dropped in the first few hours, plateauing only at unmeasurable levels."
I turned my head and looked at her, and glared.

"Dent seems aware of what has happened to him. He is not struggling overly against his restraints and seems calm. Urine tests show odd chemistry, low sugar levels as should be expected, no blood. No signs of other infections."

Hey!

"Stool samples are also…" Tin turned her head and pressed a stud set into a bridle with a hoof. I felt a strange tingle near my tailbone. "...relatively normal. No sign of blood, no sign of bacterial, viral or phagal abnormalities."

Oh… oh god. Does it even have a wetness indicator and a stay dry core on top of everything else? I bet it has hearts, moons and probably kittens, too. Kill me now. Just… just kill me.

"I am going to release the restraints on the subject, and attempt interaction. He may still bear a grudge about sedation. It appears he has associated my appearance with negative occurrences. I will see if I can rectify that."

Tin approached, slowly, then placed a hoof on a restraint, and twisted somehow. First one hand came free, then, as she replicated the maneuver, all the others. I sat up slowly, rubbing my wrists.

Then an idea came to me.

I picked up one of the restraints, then closed it around my wrist. As I thought, it kind of melted closed again, causing Tin to sigh in exasperation as she moved to open it once more.

I snorted with glee. Now all I had to do was be exceedingly charming. Time to try Toddler Dent, I thought to myself. Playful Toddler Dent. Playful, innocent, harmless Toddler Dent.

***

Five minutes later, humming to myself, I walked out of the tent, right past Chalk and Amber. I waved to them happily as I waddled nonchalantly through what had been a fairground and looked more now like a battlezone or crime scene, complete with investigators.
Chalk and Amber, for their part, took one look at each other and then, incredulously, peered inside the tent.

Upon the bed, spread eagled unceremoniously on her back, was a fuming Tin. Each hoof was restrained gently yet firmly in an unopenable set of reinforced belts, and an oversized adult equestrian diaper was inexpertly fastened around her midsection. Another diaper had been fastened — loosely but effectively — around her muzzle to prevent her shouting from being heard.

"Well this certainly makes… a change." said Amber.

"No," said Chalk, facehoofing . "Just… just don't. Get her free."

Amber took the diaper off Tin's muzzle.

"Quickly you fools! Get him! Don't worry about me!"

"You get her free," said Amber, "I'll go catch the human." He turned tail and fled the tent, with a whinny that sounded suspiciously a lot like laughter emanating from his lips as he went.

I didn't make it far, but at least I had a cushioned landing.

For the third time in what seemed as many minutes, blackness stole the world away.

***

"Rather a good jape, Dent my lad, with old Tin back there," said a voice. It was awkward, floating in nothing, not having any real way of knowing where anything was at. I thought I caught a glimpse of a top hat, a monocle and a cane. Also of feathers, scales and horns.

"Wh-who are you? What are you?" I asked, without asking.

"All good things, my friend, all good things."

"Why am I… is this real? This is real, isn't it?" I stuttered, scrabbling mentally for purchase. "Why did you let them do that to me? Why did you… you brought me here, didn't you?"

"I am sorry, friend, I don't work in rainbows and kittens. I work in japes and puzzles, in equations and butterfly wings. I work in chance. I work for The Lady. And you, my friend, do too. Now… wake up!"

"...Wake up, wake up, sleepy head. Wake… Dent! Woah, it's me, you're safe, okay?"

I opened my eyes, to see Gilda towering above me. I chirped happily, hummed a few bars of Rule Britannia, then hugged her leg.

"You feeling okay? That diaper's almost had it, so if you'll let me I'll get you out of it, okay?"

I lay back down, relaxing, as Gilda spoke softly to me. She seemed worried, and despite everything she didn't deserve my anger. Something seemed oddly familiar about this… almost as if it had happened before. Very swiftly, my nethers were once more breezy rather than warm.

"Faugh! Wow, I almost wish I'd let them deal with you, I just didn't want them tazing you again. I need your brains as unscrambled as they get, Dent, I want you home for good. Listen," Gilda said, urgently in between wipes, "I need you to behave, okay? Please? For me?"
I chirped my version of assent, looking anywhere but at her face. Not now, not like this.

Eventually, she stood back. I stood up.

"Shower now, then come with me." She pointed, I nodded, then obeyed.

The shower washed away the last of my shame and most of the fugue that still shrouded my head. Stretching languidly, I got out from under the magical little black raincloud and dried myself off. Gilda stood there watching, then threw some pants, a jacket and some sort of oddly bag-like shoes for me, before lifting my best collar up, the one she'd bought herself.

"I need you on your best behaviour, okay? No tying up the nice mare. She's not like… she won't hurt you, okay? I promise. I'll be watching the whole time."

I chirped, managing to put in a questioning note as I put on clothes for almost the first time in forever.

"We're going to go have fun, okay? Fun. Plenty of games."

I wolf-whistled, raising my eyebrows. I swear her beak blushed.

"Not that sort of games!" she hissed. I just looked at her. "Later maybe," she said, finally. "If you're good."

***

It turned out that Tin Berg had invited herself to Abraxis' estate. Apparently Celestia was no longer in the building — whether she was fleeing from or directing the search-and-destroy mission for this 'blackvine' stuff was unclear — but her royal ethologist was just dying to get a proper look at me.

I didn't like her.

On the other claw — hand, I corrected myself, I'd been around gryphons a lot — I didn't get quite the same predatory vibe as with Penny. Penny wanted me mounted — hurr hurr etc — on the wall. Tin wanted me in an itty bitty tutu doing tricks.

I grumbled as Gilda led me into one of the libraries.

"Now, now, none of that," Tin said. She stood at attention respectfully far away. She smiled, hopefully. "I won't hurt you, I promise. I just want to take a look at you, okay? Your mummy won't be far away, now, okay? She'll be, ah…"

"I'll be right upstairs, Dent, okay?" Gilda pointed at the second level of this tall, circular room lined with books. "Right upstairs. You stay here, do as Miss Tin asks, okay? Be a good boy, Dent."

To tell the truth, she didn't seem as dangerous or threatening now that I'd seen her in diapers. Very few things do, to be honest.

I stood, several feet away from her, as she slowly walked forwards and put a colourful puzzle in a frame on the table, from a trolley full of brightly coloured objects. I moved cautiously towards it. It was made up of nine hefty wooden pieces painted delicately in bright, playful paints. It showed three ponies; a foal, a stallion and a mare. The foal held a balloon.

"Subject appears to recognize the whole scene, showing three distinct pauses for each character. Let's see if he can put it back together."

Tin upended the puzzle on the table, then stepped back. I picked up a piece, sniffed it, then chewed on it methodically. Not showing a hint of exasperation, Tin put one, then two, then three of the pieces back in the frame. Gesturing, she asked me to put my piece back in. I put it right in the middle. And then I flipped all the pieces and made a cube out of six of them.

Tin didn't even blink. "Subject shows advanced knowledge of spatial relationships, appears uninterested in standard responses. Hmm. Stage two."

I sat down in a chair and crossed my arms as a roughly football-like shape was placed before me. It was made of wood painted a dark blue, with what looked like twenty faces, each bar one sporting a shape — squares, triangles, crosses and circles. Inside the ball were wooden pieces that had to be fitted through the corresponding slots.

I looked at the baby toy in wonder. It could have been purchased at almost any quality toyshop anywhere in the world on Earth, and nobody would have batted an eye. And yet here it was.

I don't know how she did it, not having fingers and all, but Tin opened the blank face and tipped out the shapes. Closing it, she put one back through before giving a shape to me.

I pointed to my mouth, then rubbed my tummy. No way was I about to play monkey without my banana. Grudgingly, a bowl of what looked like boiled sweets were placed just out of reach. I sat there, then deliberately picked my nose and flicked the result. Impassionately, she put another shape through the corresponding slot in her baby toy, then pointedly took a sweet from the bowl, and mugged enjoying it.

Oh, so that's how it is, huh?

I opened the flap, put all the shapes back in, then reached for the bowl. Muzzle open in surprise, she let me have one. I could've taken the whole bowl, but I took just one, smiling. This made her flatten her ears back in shock.

"Subject is… if I didn't know better, I'd say the subject was toying with me," Tin stated to whatever recording device she was using. I couldn't see anything, but I doubted she was talking to herself.

Lady, you have no idea…

"I think… I have to try something different. No human has ever shown any real aptitude for such a test as this, but I have a good feeling about this one."

Dropping the ball toy onto the trolley, where the pieces spilled out, Tin swapped it for a very familiar puzzle; the towers of hanoi. I had no doubt they called it something else, but I was just as sure that it worked the same. Tin put five rings on the first of three pegs. The rings were large, friendly looking pieces of brightly painted wood. Very slowly, she went through the game. She waggled a hoof as she put a larger ring on a smaller, and nodded enthusiastically as she put a smaller on top of a larger. And then she gave the puzzle to me.

First, I took all the rings off. Then, I put them all back in the right order on the last peg. She sighed, showing me again how it was supposed to work. For an answer, I moved rings about until there was just a mess, then beamed at her. She was almost put off enough by a human smiling, again, that she fell on her rump. And then, of course, I solved the entire puzzle perfectly… but upside down. Before she could react, I pulled all the rings off once more, grinning like an idiot.

She put a hoof to her forehead, sighing heavily. "Subject is… doing everything wrong. Everything. Perfectly wrong. Perfectly… wrong." She looked up. "You know what all this is, don't you?" she asked. I just continued smiling as I played with the rings again. Almost too fast for her to realize, I first solved and then un-solved the towers problem, not even bothering to ask for another reward, not even acknowledging what I'd done.

"Okay, that's it for today," Tin stated, flabbergasted. "Time to clean up."

I leaped to my feet and helpfully started putting things away. First, of course, by putting all the puzzle pieces back into the frame where they belonged, then by slotting all the loose shapes back into the baby toy ball-thing first try. I could do nothing about Tin's jaw lying on the floor, however.

"Is that it?" called Gilda from somewhere upstairs.

I chirped, and waved.

"I guess so. I don't know what to say. He failed every test… well, kind of. Nobody would believe me if I told them what I think, what I saw today."

I pretended to lose interest as Mistress fluttered down from above, wandering around the library, looking at Tin's equipment.

"Soo… is he okay? Not infected? You said he might be smart?"

"I really don't know," replied Tin. "Not infected, no. He shows signs of intelligence, but… no, it's not possible."

"What?"

"The way he looked at me, the way he… the way he didn't do the tests. It can't be, he can't be that smart."

"He, uh, failed the tests, so that makes him smart?" Gilda looked over at me. I blinked innocently, then took out a book and carefully gummed the spine before flicking through the pages. The book was upside down.

"I… uh," Tin began, as I decided to start making a pillow fort under her wheel-in serving tray. "I…"

As I clambered into my fort, I dislodged something from on top. It was a small cube featuring squares in multiple colours. I gingerly picked it up.

No way!

It was instantly recognizable to me as a toy from my youth. I owned several of them, and could solve them in about a minute. This one looked well-worn. Turning it around in my grasp, I took a look at the current layout, patterns forming in my mind. Twisting and turning the layers, I shortly had every face sporting a square of the same colour.

I looked up to find both Gilda and Tin looking at me with beak and muzzle respectively almost dislocated from how far they'd fallen.

"I've never been able to solve that," said Tin, breathlessly.

Well, shit.