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And they shall know, that in the end – or was it the beginning? Or perhaps somewhere in between, that they would know at last that their essence; the sum of their thoughts, their hopes, their emotions and beliefs and basis of their knowledge was all for naught in the grand scheme, that even their insignificance was inconsequential within the maw of insanity.
But, of course, still you wish to know. They all do. It is in their nature, our nature, that primal curiosity that forces them to seek out their own terrible fates, and you have willingly wished it upon yourself. And I cannot determine if it is merely folly, or a cruel byproduct of something more. But this is why they wish to know, is it not? For the sake of something more; because there is always more.
Even if there has never been, and might never be, there is always more.
They thought that I was mad, when I told them.
I tried to warn everypony, I really did. When I looked upon what I could not have, what nopony could have seen. I saw it, I did so much more. When Princess Celestia personally beseeched me to abandon my research, to cast away everything I had sacrificed so much for; I wish I would have grown angry. I wish that I had obeyed, like the weak vassal of flesh that I was before. No, I grew all the more curious.
To be on the verge of something – SOMETHING, just beyond the veil of the mundane that I could almost understand, something so utterly impossible that it would alter everything I thought that I knew – I needed to know. I suppose that’s equine nature. Our downfall, our inherent curiosity as sentient beings. It burned in me so painfully, even though I tried to listen to her. I really did.
For nights on end, I was left sleepless. Spike began to worry.
I miss him, sometimes. I think I do.
I don’t know if I can feel things like that anymore.
It tormented me like nothing I had ever experienced, that endless, horrible NEED to know, when it was so close. I knew that it was close, and I was right; even though it was something that nopony should ever know, because even the comprehension of such a thing would break their minds.
I thought myself above those other ponies, of course. I thought myself of higher caliber than those that had failed. After all, what is failure if not a symbol of incapability to adapt and understand?
And therein lay my greatest and fatal flaw – not that I believed myself better than those before me, but that I could understand what they could not. I could understand what even Celestia herself could not, if I tried hard enough. And I did. I cast the spell, I looked upon it, and I implicitly understood.
Maybe this is what she so desperately warned me of. Sometimes, I wonder if she knew all along that I could comprehend it, that it would worm its way into my mind if I so much as thought of it. And that’s all one really has to do, that’s the scary part. I didn’t even need the spell, even though I spent so much time – so much time that even the bonds of friendship could not endure – developing the spell. I feel so silly now, so silly that I didn’t need it. Nopony does. All you have to do is think about it.
One doesn’t really have to comprehend it. No, that only makes it worse.
If you think about it, if you even think of it once, then it’s already too late.
But I did more.
I was so much more.
I did what nopony else could do, because it was something that nopony ever should have done. I knew, I saw, I understood. Have you ever seen a circle with seventy degree angles? Of course, you would say that there is no such thing, because there isn’t. But there is. I’ve seen it, I know. I understand it, like I understood everything else.
Or maybe I’m just delusional, and believing that I can comprehend is the only fashion of coping that I have left. That might make a little bit of sense – but, if I truly believed that I understood, of course it would. I doubt my own doubts. I have, ever since I looked.
It was only for a bare moment. Maybe not even that. A single picosecond.
Not enough time for the neurons to fire, yet an entire eternity that I looked, and it looked back, and understood. With every single painful, terrible passing moment, it devours me. They don’t see it, of course they don’t. They didn’t look, they never saw, they will never see and I pity and envy them all at once.
I think Celestia saw. Or maybe she only dreamed a whisper of a shadow of a thought, and was wary enough to stay away, to not even think of it subconsciously. Because that’s how it got me, that’s how it gets everypony. It’s there, it’s always there. Sleeping and watching, always just behind the subconscious and ready to embrace you. Such a horrifying thing, such a tender and loving touch that never lets go.
Do you know what is inconceivable?
There is really no such thing as that – there is only more that cannot be understood yet. I still feel it, too; like I could understand, if only I tried to look a little harder. And I do, I really do. Every day, every hour, every minute I reach for it, and it doesn’t reach back anymore. It only eggs me on further, and I follow so abhorrently to find it, to understand more like I should that they deemed it necessary to never let me out again.
I would miss the sight of the sun, if I could feel things like that anymore.
They tried to keep my hooves still, but I proved them wrong. I was stronger, I was smarter. My eyes could see at first, and theirs couldn’t. Not until I took their eyes, not until I made them see so that they would believe me. Now they can’t see at all.
I don’t see, either. But I still see.
Celestia cried for me.
Or maybe she cried for herself, because she was too afraid to see. She was only afraid at first, until I showed her. Now, she’s right here with me.
Or was she never here at all? I'm not crazy, I swear I'm not. They are, though. They're all mad for not seeing.
There really is no way to tell, not now. Sometimes things are, and sometimes things are not. On occasion, it’s somewhere between. I still understand, I still comprehend and know, no matter what. You could understand like I do, if only you tried a little harder. If only you gave into that burning desire to understand, that draws us all a little closer to that abyss of endless knowledge. I didn’t even need the spell, nopony really does. Spike didn’t.
But Spike didn’t understand. He didn’t even try.
He only screamed, and screamed, and screamed. He kept right on going, until I had to make him stop.
Now he understands.
You could understand, if you tried.
You’re thinking about it right now, aren’t you? You are just beginning to wonder, just like I did. That maybe, just maybe, somewhere deep beyond what you can comprehend, that maybe what might be incomprehensible could tickle you behind the eyes and let you watch all of everything, until the knowledge of it made you break your own teeth from the frustration of never knowing fast enough.
You could know. You could understand.
And all you have to do is think about it.
Please. In this moment of clarity that might not be, that only I can hear.
For Celestia’s sake, please don’t know.
Even though I know it’s already too late, please don’t think about it.
It doesn’t really matter if you think about it or not.
By now, it’s already found you.
It’s watching through what you know, what you think, what you dream and understand.
Even if you don’t know, you are known.
Just don’t think about it. Don’t think about it, don’t understand and drag yourself into the gnashing mouth of wonderful, liberating madness that even Discord shied away from. I tried to show him that it was perfect for him, that he could stop crying. I understood when everypony I could find understood. I made them all see when they wouldn’t listen, when they told me that I was a liar and a lunatic because they didn’t understand, they didn’t know.
Now they know. I understand why they know.
I understood.
I really did.
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