Toz, the giant omnipotent dandelion sandwich, was hungry. There are few perks of being a giant omnipotent sandwich, he thought. No one takes you seriously-- no matter how angry you get. The only upside to this existence is occasionally dishing out some galactic karmic revenge. He knew that sometimes, you have to sit and watch idly by as proxies of yourself are sold and devoured day after day. And sometimes, you don’t.
But there was one repeat offender who seemed to take great joy in consuming large quantities of dandelion sandwiches. The pesky zebra in question had a reputation for devouring defenseless sandwiches: a sandwich serial killer of the worst kind. This individual had become the enemy of his people-- a thing of legend. Sandwiches everywhere knew and feared the notorious striped mammal known as “Zot.”
The cry for help had finally reached Toz, leading him to investigate this threat to his species’ survival. The very idea of such sandwich consumption disturbed Toz to the very fibre of his being. Floating through the multi-dimensional tear, the large sandwich emerged on the other side. He found himself floating in a sporadic cloud layer high above a small village. A slight breeze wafted through the town, making the signs rock in the wind.
Oblivious to the mortal danger above them, the townsfolk went about their day. For a brief snatch of time, all was peaceful: the sun was shining, the air was warm...
Momentarily the monochrome menace materialised, meandering from market to merchant. Mere moments mattered this minute as the masked murderer moved with merit. Monotony removed, the monochrome moderate metamorphosised into maleficence by means of mayonnaise.
Toz could not BELIEVE the audacity of the zebra before him. It was speaking to another tiny creature who, after a few moments, brought the deviant a sandwich. Toz could hear his tiny brother’s silent screams as the zebra tilted him from side to side. To make it worse, it was lifting off the top slice of bread, observing the sandwich’s innards. Such torture! And from what Toz knew of this individual, it was not the first time it had inflicted such merciless pain. Toz saw red. He would avenge the sandwiches- all of the sandwiches this monster had so needlessly analysed and ranked, like some twisted science fair project.
As the zebra went to take his first bite, Toz could stand it no longer. He sprang into action, ripping the roof from the Prancing Pony Inn. Everypony screamed, scattering in all directions as Toz lifted his target high into the air. Finally, the mass murderer known as Zot was in his grasp.
The little zebra dangled helplessly, screaming and begging for mercy as Toz considered it in great detail. He tilted the tiny creature from side to side, examining it from all angles. Would it prove to be as delicious as Toz hoped? He held the quadruped closer to savour its scent and, like a true connoisseur, noted the zebra’s age and health. It was certainly a well-fed zebra-- no doubt due to all the hapless sandwiches it had encountered in the past. The sun glinted off the zebra’s hide, highlighting its sheen and healthy coat.Taking all of these factors into account, Toz concluded that this zebra should be about a 7.5 on the tasty scale.
Just as Toz was about to take the first bite, a small, tan-coloured speck stepped out from the quivering mass of equine flesh gathered beneath him.
“Good afternoon, Giant Sandwich. As a duly designated representative of the town of Ponyville, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity, and return forthwith to your place of origin or nearest parallel dimension.”
Toz loomed overhead, squinting at the tiny four-legged creature.
“Are you a god?”
“No…” squeaked the pony.
“Then DIE!” Toz boomed, the force of his rage sending the tan speck back into the kaleidoscope of coloured hides.
“If someone asks you if you are a god, you say yes!” a pink pony shouted over the raucous.
Satisfied that the creatures beneath him now adequately understood his position, Toz held his target aloft. Usually when munching mammals, Toz would simply toss the meal into his giant crusty mouth. But not this time. He wanted the creature to truly appreciate the agony it had inflicted on all those sandwiches through its ruthless categorising.
Gently, ever so gently, Toz lowered the zebra to his mouth. Oh yes. He was very much going to enjoy this. The anticipation alone now made him rethink his ranking: the zebra was worth at least an 8. Toz dropped Zot onto his giant pink tongue, chuckling at the feel of the tiny hooves on his delicate taste buds. It was hard to lick something so small, but Toz was determined to give it his best shot. The giant omnipotent sandwich managed to snatch a very pleasing taste sensation, coating the zebra in his mayonnaise and tantalising his tongue with promises of more to come. The little zebra leapt through the air, no doubt trying to reach the crowd far below. Toz admired its spirit but refused to be denied his snack. He shot one of his gigantic dandelion stems forth to wrap around the zebra, dragging it back up to his mouth. He’d heard that the little one enjoyed adventure and Toz intended to make sure his demise was the biggest adventure of all.
It looked quite funny, drenched in his special mayonnaise. He balanced it on the tip of his tongue, enjoying the zebra’s struggles. Rarely was his food so entertaining! Using his dandelion stem to hold Zot tight, Toz ripped off its front left hoof. A pleasing sprinkling of bright red fountained through the air as he tossed the hoof in the air, catching it with his tongue. It was just as delicious as he thought it would be, and he swirled it gently around his cavernous mouth, sucking on it gently. Next he allowed himself to nibble it, before finally chewing the rock-hard hoof into nothing. He swallowed it down, already anticipating the next delicious treat that devouring the tiny morsel made him crave.
Almost giddy with amusement, Toz plucked out the tiny eyeballs from the tiny skull. He was delighted when they proved to be both smooth and crunchy, a pleasing texture somewhat like a grape. Or an egg. He chewed them thoughtfully, crushing them down to tiny fragments before allowing himself to swallow. But it wasn’t enough. These itty bitty tidbits only whet Toz’s appetite.
Suddenly feeling ravenous, Toz couldn’t help himself. Patience was for pussies, anyway. He gleefully ripped off all four limbs, popping them in his mouth and chewing happily. The crunchiness of bones snapping cheered him greatly as he used a splintered leg bone to pick his teeth. The flavour was glorious. Lip smacking.
And now it was finally time for the main course. Holding the remains of the zebra by the head, Toz slit open its belly and explored the insides with his tongue. Such spongy, slippery texture to delight any giant sandwich. He licked it clean, stroking the zebra’s mane thoughtfully. Almost caressingly, Toz removed the creature’s tail. It came off surprisingly easily and the giant sandwich had to wonder how well it was attached in the first place. Toz popped the rest of the carcass into his mouth, twirling the tail while he munched. Chewing and swallowing, he twirled the tail as he finished his mouthful.
Almost as an afterthought, Toz used the tiny tail to pick his teeth clean. Maybe he’s eat all his food this way in future. It had been most enjoyable- and had earned the zebra a rating of a nice solid 10. He flicked the tail at the crowd still gathered below him, chuckling to hear their gasps and cries of fear.
“Well,” Toz said to no-one in particular, “That was tasty.”
Author's Note
This has been a parody of Doctor Specturm's infamous "Zot Eats a Sandwich". Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/130832/1/zot-eats-a-sandwich/zot-eats-a-sandwich
Written by Myself and Talicorn.
Cover artwork done by me. http://darkstatic42.deviantart.com/art/Toz-Eats-a-Zebra-Cover-Art-437196790
Originally this started as just a funny piece of art but Talicorn thought it was a waste to just put the art on Spec's wall for a laugh and said we needed to do something more epic with it, so we wrote a parody.
