Getting Their Just Desert

by dancing mop

Rating: everyone
Tags: Rarity, Adventure, Pinkie Pie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 7849

After being stranded by Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Pinkie Pie try to return home from the desert. An adventure awaits, though one of them does not want it.

After chasing down Applejack's carriage outside of Dodge Junction, Rarity's friends have stranded her in the desert with Pinkie Pie. Now, she has to get herself, and her annoying companion, home. This proves to be even more difficult a task than it seems, as events seem to conspire against her. From the brutal desert sun, to a deadly treasure-filled cavern, Rarity's skills, and patience, will be tested to their limits.

Published 2014-03-17 21:50:05 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-22 07:30:35 UTC

The First Chapter

The First Chapter

In which a formerly fabulous and fantastically furious fashionista fumes at her four friends as they fade fastly afar, while a pink party pony perkily perplexes over a pair of puzzling pieces of pony language.

Rarity could not believe that Rainbow Dash had done this to her. She had been violently thrown from a speeding wagon, had a harsh landing in a stand of cacti (which were now stuck all over her mane; she must have looked absolutely dreadful), and now this?!

"Chimicherry, or cherrychanga? Chimicherry, or cherrychanga? Chimicherry, or cherrychanga?" Pinkie Pie repeated, over and over again, every single time she pushed down on her end of the handlebars, in a horrible symphony of high-pitched speech, creaking parts, and rusty wheels grinding along a steel track.

Upon reflection, this was better than the alternative. They had been miles outside of Dodge Junction when Pinkie had decided to hurl herself from a speeding wagon, expecting her friend to catch her with no warning whatsoever. Rarity wasn't even certain of which direction the town had been, and did not relish the idea of plodding through a trackless desert in search of civilization. It was fortunate that they had found the railroad tracks, and the hoofcart they were currently operating.

Indeed, if she was lucky, it would be only an hour or two before a train rolled past, and they were picked up. If they happened upon a town before then, then all the better! Surely, this agonizingly annoying trek would be over in just a short while. In the meantime...

"Chimicherry, or cherrychanga? Chimicherry, or cherrychanga?" Creak, creak, creak...

She could handle this for a small time.

* * *

Three hours.

If Rarity's judgement of the Sun's position was correct, it had been three hours since this little trip had begun, and Pinkie Pie had not let up for a second. How that pony managed to stay so dedicated to being so annoying, Rarity would never know. She had blocked out the sound of Pinkie's voice a long time ago, and she had just realized how very hoarse it had gotten. She was actually beginning to worry.

"Chimi-coughcherry? Or cough-cherrychanga? Chimicherry-hack! cough, cough, or cherry-cough, coughchang-cough? Chi-"

"Chimicherry." Rarity flatly stated. "If you must know, I prefer chimicherry."

Pinkie was (finally!) silent for several seconds, before saying, simply, "Okay."

In the ensuing silence, Rarity decided to take stock of their surroundings. Mercifully, they had moved out of the direct sunlight some time ago, passing through a canyon, with steep walls rising up on either side, just a few lengths from the track. The canyon floor was dotted with a few sparse cacti, and one small rockslide. The rock of the canyon walls was the same dreary, monochromatic brown which seemed to be the only color this desert cared to show.

Pinkie cleared her throat, and asked in a voice that sounded much more like her own, "Hey, Rarity? Are you thirsty? Cuz I'm pretty thirsty."

Rarity sighed, "Well, Pinkie, we have been riding through a desert for three hours, without even a single drop to drink, and you have been talking up a storm the entire time. Yes, I am thirsty, and I have no doubt that you are; perhaps you should have thought of that before you tackled me off of a moving wagon!"

Pinkie's shoulders slumped, and her gaze fell to the ground. "I-I'm sorry, Rarity. I didn't think-"

"No, I'll bet you didn't! You never think! You just do whatever stupid, ridiculous thing pops into your head, never caring at all about what kind of consequences your actions can have!"

Pinkie's lip quivered, and she looked ready to cry. "W-Well, fine! Y-You're just a big, mean, selfishpants! You never care about anypony else, you just want nice things all the time!

The nerve! "I care about other ponies! I am the element of Generosity! I give more thought to the feelings of others than you ever have!"

"What?! I'm the element of Laughter! Making other ponies happy is my job!"

"Oh, really? Then why have you been working so hard this whole time to make me absolutely miserable!"

"I've been trying to make conversation! You know, lighten the mood? Laugh?"

"I'd have prefered if you had kept quiet!"

"Then that's what I'll do!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

Rarity sat sullenly for a time, glaring at Pinkie. Occasionally, her friend would glare back, and Rarity would turn her gaze elsewhere. The canyon walls remained unchanged, the cacti had thinned out, the rockslide was gone, and the only sound that could be heard was the creaking of the handlebars as they rose and fell, rose and fell.

Creak.

Creak.

Creak.

She was still fuming when Pinkie suddenly perked up, spotting something behind her back. "Uh-oh", said the pink pest, taking her hooves down off the handlebars, "This isn't good."

"What?" Asked Rarity, turning around as the cart slowed to a stop.

Oh no. The track had come to an end. Stacks of wood pilings and rusted-out rail pieces lay about a long-abandoned work camp. Scraps of debris and detritus could be seen poking out of the sand, and a few torn remains of tents hung limply from their rotting, skeletal frames. Up ahead, the rock walls of the canyon had closed in, and signs of a half-excavated tunnel marred a small spot on their surface.

Rarity eloquently sized up the situation. "But we, I thought, no, this track, ended? What? How could...AAAAAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEE!"

As Rarity finished screaming, and moved on to hyperventilating, Pinkie Pie gave her own thoughts on the situation. "Ohhh, I see! This track goes North to Appleoosa, not south. Silly me!" She addressed her still panicking friend, "Well, I guess now we're stranded in the middle of a desert at about high noon, with nothing to drink, and we're three hours further from help than before we spent all morning doing a reeeally tiring physical activity!"

Rarity responded in the only way she really could.

She fainted.

* * *

Rarity awoke to find herself in one of the half-rotted tents in the camp. A table still sat at one end, with a trio of cots lining one wall. The opposite wall had been completely frayed away, along with half of the roof. A few random objects stuck out of the sand in places; a pot here, a playing card there, nothing that could be useful in their current predicament. A rather strange noise behind her caused her to turn around.

There, Pinkie Pie could be seen, holding a kazoo in her mouth, swinging it against a cactus that was growing in the tents shadow repeatedly. Each time, a hollow sort of thunk noise was made. Pinkie winced and pulled away as her snout was poked with a thorn, looking up and noticing her friend.

"Oh, you're awake." She said, spitting out the kazoo and glaring at the cactus, "I could use some help with this."

"Just what are you doing?" Rarity inquired.

"Well, I know that cactususes have water inside of 'em, so I was trying to break this one open."

"With a kazoo?"

Pinkie huffed, "It's the only thing I have that could work."

Rarity cocked an eyebrow quizzically, "What else do you have?"

"Some balloons, a pair of mustache disguise glasses, a bag of streamers, a dirty sock, and two empty gum wrappers." Pinkie stated, pointing to each item on the ground in front of her. "Oh, and an extra-large, dark chocolate peanut butter fudge brownie!" She exclaimed, holding out the treat triumphantly.

"You didn't eat any of it, did you?" Rarity asked, eyeing a missing corner of the brownie.

Pinkie grinned sheepishly. "Heheh, uh, of course not! That would just make me really thirsty. Everyone knows thaaat..."

Suddenly, she zipped over and grabbed Rarity by the shoulders. "You've gotta help me get some water!", she pleaded, "Chocolate and Peanut Butter are the worst when you're thirsty!"

"No doubt." Rarity deadpanned. "Alright," she sighed, looking around the tent, "But we'll need something heavier, or sharper, than a kazoo to break that cactus open."

Pinkie hopped away, and scooped up the first thing she came across, a laminated playing card. "Would this work?"

"No, Pinkie-"

"Ooh, how about this?" she asked, this time holding up an old boot.

"No, I-"

"This is perfect!" Pinkie cried, grasping a small shard of wood.

"No, Pinkie!" She reached down to a handle sticking up from the sand. "Aha! A knife handle! A nice, sharp, metal-hwuah?" She exclaimed as she pulled the handle out of the sand, revealing an object much larger than she had expected, made of wood, and flattened into a paddle-like shape.

"Cricket bat?" Pinkie giggled, "Rarity, that's not sharp or metal! Heehee! How's that gonna work?"

"Hmph, I suppose this will do." Rarity said, looking over the bat, and brushing sand off of it. It was in remarkably good shape for having been left out in the desert. Aside from a few scuff marks, a couple of scratches, and the scuffed-out manufacturers logo, it was nearly intact, and still very solid. She lifted it above her head with her magic, walking back over to the cactus. "Stand back!" She cried as she brought the bat down on the cactus, causing the top half of it to explode outward, raining moist chunks all around the tent's interior.

"Water!" Pinkie cheered as she leaped over to the half-destroyed cactus, plunging her face into the exposed inside.

As she messily slurped on the cactus's contents, Rarity scooped up pieces of the plant from the ground, brushing them off and daintily sipping them dry.

They both drank their fill, and slumped down on their backs, sighing in contentment. Rarity closed her eyes, and simply enjoyed the sensation of not being thirsty. She lay like that for several seconds, before Pinkie spoke up.

"Rarity?"

"Yes?"

"Um, I'm sorry about what I said earlier. I didn't really mean it."

Rarity opened her eyes, and sighed. "Pinkie, it's quite alright. I shouldn't have lashed out at you like that. I was just..."

"Tired?"

"Well, yes, but also stressed out."

"And hot."

"And thirsty."

"And worried about how messy your mane was. And is." Pinkie giggled, "You should see it right now! Heeheehee! It looks worse than mine!"

Rarity groaned, "Ohhh, I'd rather not think about it." She chuckled, "Well, I suppose it could be worse. We'll be back by the end of the day, and then I can take a good, long bath. My mane should be back to normal in a day."

"Oh yeah," said Pinkie, "All we have to do now is hop back on the hoofcart, and go right back the way we came. I mean, what could really go wrong?"

Just then, the ground beneath them started shaking and rumbling. The two ponies sprang to their hooves, just as a fissure opened between them in the sand. Before they could react, the whole tent collapsed into the hole in the earth, plunging them both into darkness. Rarity screamed as they tumbled sown a twisting tube in the dark, while Pinkie seemed to be thoroughly enjoying herself.

"Wheeeee! This is so much fun!"

They abruptly came to the bottom of the tunnel, coming to rest on a rocky surface. As the sounds of the fall petered away, Rarity dared to open her eyes, revealing a cavern lit only by the barest hints of light. Pinkie's head shot up from a pile of rubble, laughing hysterically.

"Hahaha! It's like the universe is tempting us! I said 'what could really go wrong', and then, something did! Ha! This is so awesome!"

Rarity groaned and plunged her face into her hooves.

We're doomed.

The Second Chapter

The Second Chapter

In which Rarity realizes they've really run into a wretched rut, while reeling from the roaring rockslide that ruined their respite, revealing the revelation that they're royally rutted for real, doomed to rot in a rocky...um...
Ah, screw it. It's not like I need these little things at the beginning.

Rarity had to admit, this was far worse than before. As she rooted around in the pile of rocks, with only a light spell to break the total blackness around her, she bitterly regretted complaining about their ride on the hoofcart; she was now faced with the very real possibility of getting lost in an an underground cavern forever. Of course, one element of her previous predicament was still present.

"Yay! We're in a cave! You know what that means?" Pinkie asked from where she was bouncing around, at the edge of Rarity's horn-glow.

"Nothing good."

"It means we get to go spelunking! And more importantly, I get to say spelunking. Spelunking. Spelunking. Spelunk. Heeehee! Spelunk! That's a really funny word. Spelunk! You say it, Rarity!"

"No."

"Aw, C'mon Rarity, it's fun."

"Pinkie, I'm trying to concentrate here. Can you please be quiet and help me find our things?"

Pinkie bounded over with an armful of the aforementioned "things", catching Rarity by surprise. "I already found a bunch of stuff. Look, here's my kazoo, and a gum wrapper, and the packet of balloons!"

"Oh," Said Rarity, in a flustered tone, "I'm glad you found useful things. All I've found is a bottle which I can make into a canteen, a length of cloth to fashion into traveling cloaks, and a double chocolate peanut butter fudge brownie to eat." She held up each item with her magic as she talked, keeping her expression unamused.

Pinkie reached out for the food, which Rarity yanked back out of her reach. Pinkie frowned, "Hey, that's my brownie!"

"Yes, but it is also our only source of food." Tearing off a piece of tentcloth, she began weaving a pouch together, unraveling individual threads to rearrange them. "Now, I'm going to keep it safe for now. We'll ration it out later."

She continued working on the pouch, explaining, "I can use this tentcloth to make some crude pouches to carry...supplies, and also some cloaks to keep us warm." As the threads began to overlap each other once more, she continued. "I do wish I could find that bat. Who knows what kind of monsters we'll find down here. It would be nice to have something to fend them off with."

"Oh, I found a bat." Pinkie responded, offhoofedly.

Rarity paused in her work. "Really?"

"Yeah. It's right above you." Pinkie replied, pointing.

Rarity traced her gaze upward, and saw the bat. The furry, grotesque, fanged monster that was perched only hooflengths away from her face, staring down at her with it's horrid, soulless red eyes.

"EEEEEEEK!" She screamed, running away from the monstrosity, "BATS! BATS! GET AWAY!"

Pinkie giggled, "Rarity, it's not bats, it's just one bat!" She trotted over to the bat's perch, as her friend huddled on the ground, nervously holding a piece of tentcloth over her head. "Besides, he's just a harmless fruit bat." She extended a hoof, calling, "Come on down, little fella! I wanna be your friend!"

The bat flapped it's way down from the ceiling, perching itself on Pinkie's outstretched hoof. "Yaaay! See Rarity, he likes me!"

Rarity was not quite convinced. "Pinkie, I don't think that's a fruit bat." She explained, apprehensively.

"Oh, don't be silly, Rarity." Pinkie said as she walked over, bat still hanging from her hoof. "He's a nice little bat. I'm gonna call him Batty." She asserted, just before the bat plunged its fangs into her leg.

"OW! OW! OWIE!" Pinkie yelled, shaking it off. The bat screeched and flew away into the darkness, as she cradled her hoof, sucking on the wound while Rarity laughed smugly. "Mmm, okay, I guess he didn't like the name. And he's a vampire bat." She glared off in the direction it had flown, crying, "Meanie!"

"Hmph." Rarity asserted, glancing around nervously as she rose from the floor, "I knew it. There is no such thing as a 'nice little bat'. What disgusting creatures."

"What about that one?" Pinkie asked, pointing to the ground just in front of Rarity's hoof.

After leaping back several lengths, Rarity realized that she had actually meant the cricket bat. She gave her pink friend a dirty look, and walked back over to pick it up. Pinkie, oblivious to her friend's glare, continued bouncing around the cavern, searching for her own things. Rarity trotted over to the pile of canvas pieces she had found, and began the lengthy task of making them into usable travel gear.

* * *

"I'm finiiiished!" Rarity cried out in a singsong voice.

Pinkie bolted upright, blinking sleep from her eyes, "Uh, oh! Okay, um...good." She blinked a few times, not comprehending. "Finished with what?"

"These!" Rarity said with a flourish, levitating a pair of green canvas cloaks.

"Oooh, pretty!" Pinkie exclaimed, "Can I have one?"

Rarity responded, a little flustered, "Why, yes, um...that is why I made two, Pinkie." She floated one up, then the other, saying, "This one is mine, and the other is for you."

"Why does yours have more pockets?"

"Because I have to carry this bat."

"Well, what if we find my bat?"

"What bat?" Rarity asked, before the realization struck her. "Oh!" She spat disgustedly, "That horrible creature? The one that bit your leg when you tried to hold it?" She continued incredulously, "You're saying it's yours now?!"

"Yep!" Said Pinkie as she slipped on her cloak, depositing her small stash of belongings in an inner pocket. "And it's a "he", by the way. His name's...uh, he didn't like that name, did he? Hmmm..." She sat, contemplating, as Rarity donned her own cloak, slipping her cricket bat into a scabbard on her left side.

"Perhaps you could think as we walk." She said, striding towards the edge of the cavern. "We'd best be going, now. If there's a way out of here, we need to find it soon." Se stopped, closed her eyes, and focused on brightening her horn-light, until it filled the entirety of the cavern, revealing a small tunnel in the side of the wall. "Aha!" she cried, pointing to the tunnel, "That is where we shall go."

Soon, they had plunged into the darkness of the tunnel, Rarity's light leading the way as they continued on to whatever awaited them in the darkness beyond. Their voices faded with the light, as Pinkie wracked her brain for a good name for her new pet.

"How about Toothy? You know, cuz he likes using his teeth?"

"That's...no. Certainly not."

"What about Fangy?"

"No."

"Fangs?"

"NO."

"Hmmm...maybe..."

* * *

The going had gotten much slower, as the tunnel narrowed out, sloped up and down, and began curving. For Rarity, it was an effort to keep moving, not that Pinkie Pie was showing any signs of having difficulty.

"Fangzor?" Pinkie asked as she slipped through yet another tight spot.

"Unf! No...Hnnnngg!" Rarity grunted as she tried to squeeze through the same spot herself. I really am not cut out for this kind of exertion! She thought, glaring enviously as Pinkie bounced through a hole nearly a length off the ground.

"Molar?" The irrepressible party pony asked from the next chamber.

"Rrrgh! No!" Rarity growled as she scrabbled up the wall, pushing herself through after her friend. Thankfully, this one was larger, enough to have space to move around. In fact...

"Pinkie, I think we've made it out of the tunnel."

"Oh, we have? Awww, but I didn't think of a good name!"

Rarity gritted her teeth, widening her light spell once again. Soon, the light had revealed a pool of water, stretching out to the end of the cavern, several hundred lengths away. Stalagmites rose up out of it, and stalactites hung down from the ceiling everywhere. The two were revealed to be standing on a smooth rocky embankment. Far to the right, over a fair amount of the water, there was a platform cut into the rock, with a most unexpected sight set into the wall behind it.

"A door!" Rarity cried, "Ponies have been down here before!"

"Yaaaay!" Pinkie cheered, dashing off towards it. Rarity followed, eager to return to some semblance of civilization.

They reached the end of the water, and Rarity shone her light down at the surface. "It's shallow!" She exclaimed, stepping forth into the water. "It barely comes up to my knees, all the way over!"

"Alright! Let's go see what's behind the mysterious door in a dark, unexplored cave!" Pinkie said cheerily as she splashed through the shallows.

Unnoticed by the two explorers, a dark shape had begun moving towards them through the water. They happily traipsed through the shallow water, heading for a set of rough-hewn stairs cut from the rock of the platform.

Stairs! Thought Rarity, Oh, how wonderful! No more...spelunking. Crawling through tight underground passages is not my idea of fun.

Pinkie had just bounced up the first stair, when the water immediately to their left erupted in a great fountain, revealing a huge crustacean monster. It was a ghostly pale white, from its six legs, to its pincers the size of a pony, to its blank eyestalks, which stared blindly out at the ponies.

Rarity screamed as it snapped out at her with an enormous pincer. "CRAAAAAAB!"

"EEEEK! THAT IS NOT A NICE CRABBY" Pinkie screamed, backing away on her stone step.

Rarity dodged yet another pincer, as it closed with a thunderous SNAP. "PINKIE! GET THE DOOR! OPEN IT NOW!"

Pinkie scrambled up the stairs as the monstrous crab skittered sideways in her direction. Rarity dashed after it, pulling out her cricket bat. "Get away from her, you fiend!" She yelled, swinging the bat at one of its legs. It connected, and the leg was swept out from under the beast, only to be planted in the water again less than a length away. Rarity's eyes shrank to pinpricks as the monster turned towards her. "Oh." She whimpered, staring up into its fidgeting insectoid maw. Pincers snapped furiously at her as she made a mad dash for the stairs. "Pinkie! What's happening with that DOOR?"

"IT'S LOCKED!" Pinkie cried, frantically pulling on the handle set into the side. "It hardly even budges! What do we do?"

"DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN IDEA?!" Rarity screamed as she leapt over the last three stairs, barely avoiding getting hit by a sideways swipe of a pincer.

"Ooh! I do!" Pinkie said, reaching into her pocket. She drew out a balloon, and quickly blew it full of air, tying it off. "Take this!" She asserted, throwing the inflated balloon at the beast's head.

This seemed to distract the crab quite a bit. It stabbed and snapped at the balloon as it rose, giving the two ponies a moment of respite. Pinkie turned to her friend, saying, "Well, that's all I've got. Now what?"

"Buck the door down!" Rarity replied as she turned to do just that. Oh, if only Applejack were here. She could wrap this monster up in rope, and buck the door to splinters!

She bucked the door, hard, but it only shuddered on it's hinges, showing no signs of damage. Just then, the balloon went POP! Both ponies turned to look at the crab, which was once again paying attention to them. "Pinkie, another balloon! Keep it distracted!"

"I'm on it!" Pinkie said, pulling out another balloon, inflating and tying it up just as fast. The crab again turned its attention to the balloon, while Rarity continued to attack the door. Come on! SLAM! Why won't it break? SLAM! Ohhh, this will ruin my hooficure! SLAM!

POP! "Come on, Rarity!" Pinkie cried as she tied off another balloon, "I'm gonna run out soon!"

Rarity continued to kick at the door. I can do this! I will not be beaten by an accursed door! SLAM! I did not come all this way to be devoured by a giant crustacean! SLAM! With renewed effort, she slammed her hooves into the wood. Miraculously, her kicks began to have an effect. The door seemed to budge, and the wood started to splinter.

POP! "Last one!" Pinkie yelled, dashing over to the door, and releasing another balloon. She added her efforts to attacking the wooden barrier, and soon, it started to weaken. Suddenly, her hooves and ears started twitching in a seemingly random order. She gasped, and pulled out her kazoo. "We're saved!" She cried, and blew a six-note cadence on the kazoo, "Charge!"

As if in response to her battle cry (And, Rarity had to admit, it most likely was), a familiar dark form descended on the crab's face, just as the last balloon was popped. "Fangy!" Pinkie called, "You came back!" After one last powerful buck, the door came apart, splintering to pieces and flying back off the frame.

"Inside, now!" Rarity screamed, leaping into the opening they had created. Pinkie quickly followed, and the bat, having distracted the crab long enough, flew in after them. Behind the door was a tunnel, and a few lengths down, another door hung open. "Through there! Quickly!" They ran through the opening, just as the crab pulled itself up to the first door. Rarity quickly slammed the second one behind them, and threw herself down on the ground, panting for breath.

Looking around the room she found herself in, Rarity realized that her horn was no longer the only source of light. A few holes were poked in the ceiling, revealing a small room cut into the rock, with sconces for torches on each wall. On the opposite wall, a wide double door was flanked by a pair of decorative planters, their contents long since rotted away. Looking closer, she saw that there were decorative carvings all over the walls, too faint to tell what they were. Rarity could scarcely believe the sight. Decorations! Now we're getting back to my kind of world!

Meanwhile, Pinkie was trying to get the bat to come down from its perch on the ceiling. "Look, I'm sorry about the bad names. I'll think of a good one. Umm, how about...Bitesy?"

The bat hissed in reply, covering its head and turning away stubbornly. Rarity couldn't help but giggle at its antics. It may be a disgusting bat, but it at least has good taste in names. She caught herself mid-thought. Oh heavens, I'm sympathizing with a BAT. What is this trip doing to me?

The Third Chapter

In which our demoralized duo deigns to delve into a dark, dusty dungeon, filled with dangerous-looking doors that display dark, undiscovered secrets.

With Pinkie preoccupied with finding a name for her new companion, Rarity decided to take stock of their supplies. Sifting through her makeshift saddlebags, she discovered that the bottle had survived the encounter relatively intact. Relative to the brownie, that is, which was squashed flat in the cloth she had wrapped it in, and broken into tiny chunks. Her cricket bat was still very much in one piece, though it did sport one new scuff mark on its battered length. All of her newly-woven pouches, and her cloak, had come through unscathed, a thought that brought a satisfied smile to her face. No needle, no workshop, and nothing but a tattered old tentcloth to work with. She thought with pride, daintily repacking the bat and makeshift canteen, And my ensemble can still weather an attack from a monstrous beast.

"Awww, is that my brownie?" Pinkie asked, leaning over Rarity's shoulder to see what she was doing.

"I'm afraid so, Pinkie. I do hope we get out of this soon, if this is the state of our food supplies."

"Ooh! The adventure's not over yet! Let's get going!" Pinkie said, happily bounding over to the opposite door. "Come on, Stephen!"

"Stephen?" Rarity asked. The bat hissed and bit at Pinkie once more.

"Yipes! Fine, I'll keep trying!"

"Right," Said Rarity, "We should get a move on. How many more doors can there really be in this place?" She paced over to the door, tried jimmying the handle. "Locked. Of course it's locked."

"Maybe there's a secret booby-trap on it!" Pinkie shouted excitedly as she zipped over and started examining the edges of the door. "Nothing on top, nothing on the right, nothing on the left, aaaaand-" Rarity had to step aside as the pink blur moved it's head all around the edges of the frame. "There! There's something on the bottom."

Rarity peered under the door herself, through a surprisingly sizable slit. "Oh, Pinkie, that's just a simple floor latch." She lit her horn, and levitated the latch out of it's slot in the floor. The door promptly swung open, without the handle being turned. "Well, that was much easier. It looks like we're finally getting a break."

As the door opened further, a surprising amount of natural light filtered in through it. Stepping out into the next chamber, Rarity got a good look at the reason why. The room beyond was a hallway, stretching far to the left and right. hundreds of small holes in the ceiling were letting in a good amount of sunlight, illuminating the entire passage. To Rarity's dismay, there seemed to be no obvious entrance or exit, just dozens of unmarked doors.

"Hey, remember that question about the doors?" Pinkie asked, unfazed. "I think you just got your answer. A whole lot!"

Rarity groaned, and looked around, considering her options. Every door appeared to be identical, with an even three-length spacing between them. The doors appeared to be simple affairs, if a little old, constructed of sturdy oak wood, with strong bronze handles.A SMALL bit of signage would be appreciated. She thought, before catching something out of the corner of her eye. She turned around, and saw that the space around the door behind her was covered in warning signs, etched into the stone of the wall. KEEP OUT!, DANGEROUS MONSTER INSIDE, and THIS DOOR IS LOCKED FOR A REASON were just a few examples, along with a crude sketch of a pony next to a huge crab with evil eyes and exaggerated fangs.

"Hey, look, Rarity!" Pinkie said, spotting the carvings herself. "The door says, 'If you go in here, a giant crab will grab you and eat you alive. I'm serious. If that jerk Butterscotch doesn't believe me, he can go in there himself and see'. Hm." She peered quizzically at the message. "Well, that's really specific. Aren't creepy old dungeons like this always mysterious and stuff?"

"Pinkie, how do you know this is a dungeon?"

"Well, duh! It's a scary, dark, old tunnel with a bunch of rooms! These kinds of places are always dungeons!"

"But there is no castle above it. How can it be a dungeon with no castle?"

Pinkie shrugged. "Who knows? What's important is that we get to explore iiit!" She yelled as she wrenched open another door and leapt through, closely followed by her bat.

She leapt out just as fast, before Rarity had even reached the doorframe. "Rarity!" She cried, grabbing her friend and pulling her through the door, "I know what this place is! It's not a Dungeon! Look!"

Rarity did look, and what she saw was- "EEEEEEEEEEEEK! SKELETON!" Lying sprawled on the stone floor, in a corner of the room lit by a small aperture in the ceiling, was a pony skeleton, bedecked in a cloak and saddlebags not unlike their own.

Pinkie rolled her eyes, completely unfazed by the sight. "No, not that, silly." She hopped over to the skeleton, and held up a circular golden badge pinned to the cloak. Engraved on the side was a birthday cake, complete with candles, with a question mark written on it. Around the bottom of the badge, a message read, 'Quam bene potes coquere?' Pinkie grinned with delight. "See, Rarity? He's a Seeker." She said, pulling the badge off from the cloak.

"Pinkie?" Rarity asked, while nervously grinding her hoof into the floor. "Would you kindly stop desecrating somepony's remains?", She hissed through clenched teeth.

"Oh, Rarity, I'm not decorating them. He'd want me to take it," Pinkie replied cheerily. Seeing her friend's uncomprehending look, she continued, "Why don't we step out into the hall so I can explain? You don't seem too comfortable in here."

"Oh really? And what makes you think that? The dead pony, perhaps?!"

As they stepped into the hall again, Pinkie took on a serious demeanor. Her smile evaporated, and she stopped bouncing, reverting to a slow, springy walk. Her eyes retained a cheerful glint, but then, she was Pinkie Pie. "Rarity." She asked, stopping her with a hoof to the shoulder, "Have you ever heard of...The Cake of the Culinant?"

Rarity stared at her for a short while, blinked once, and responded, "Wha?"

"Oh, come on! It's one of the most famous ancient artifacts in the world!" Pinkie cried, waving her hooves above her head in bewilderment, "Do you even know who 'The Culinant' is?!"

"Oh, um," Rarity responded, still not understanding what was making Pinkie so excited. "That's a 'who'?"

"Yeah! He was the most amazingfantasterrific cook the world has ever known! He cooked, he baked, he grilled, he brewed, he bartended, he catered, hetriedopeninghisownresterauntbutitburneddowninagreasefire!" Pinkie paused to take a breath, continuing, "But the thing he did best, what he was most known for, was his splendiferously good cake!"

"Why have I never heard of him, and what does this have to do with that medallion?"

"I don't know, and it has everything to do with it. When he died, twelve medallions were given out to the best culinary minds in the land. They, and only they, were allowed to search for his tomb, where he had locked away the secret recipe for his cake. For four hundred years, these medallions have been passed down from chef to chef, baker to baker, frycook to frycook, until eventually, most of them disappeared. Now, only two remain," She held up the medallion reverently, "And one of them just got passed on to me."

"Sooo, that...pony, was in here, searching for a lost cake recipe, and carrying that..." Rarity smiled as she put two and two together, "This is his tomb, isn't it?"

Pinkie was shaking with barely restrained glee. "Yes!" She cried.

Rarity frowned and narrowed her eyes. "No," She said firmly, "I know what you're thinking. And the answer is no. We are not going on a treasure hunt. We are going home."

"Aaaaw, but Rarity-"

"NO! Pinkie, we have no food, no water, and we are still miles away from any hint of civilization! We have to get out of here!"

"Rarity, this is important to me!"

"Then come back! We are in no shape to be exploring this place at the moment."

"Alright," Pinkie grinned, "Fine. If ya wanna go home so bad, which way is the exit?" She swept a hoof over the hall, indicating that Rarity choose a direction.

Rarity looked around, and saw only the one hallway, with it's dozens of doors, which led to Celestia-knows-where. She knew that Pinkie's logic had defeated her. She had no idea where to go. With a sigh, she turned back to her friend, who stood with a smug grin on her face. "Fine. We will explore this place as long as we must. But if we do find an exit first, we're going to take it. I have no desire to stay here overnight."

Pinkie leapt up excitedly, shouting, "YAAAAAY! Let's open some doors and get lost in a creepy old tomb! Come on, Chompy!" The bat hissed as she bounded up to a door, wrenched it open, stuck her her head inside for a few seconds, proclaimed "Nope!", and moved on to the next one, repeating the process.

Rarity sighed and slumped her shoulders dejectedly. Well, she thought, I suppose I should assist her with that. So she trotted over to the nearest door on the opposite wall, and pulled it open with her magic, resigned to the mindless, repetitive work to follow.

* * *

Number forty-seven, here I go. I wonder if Pinkie is having better luck at the other end of the hall. Rarity thought as she wrenched open yet another door. This time, however, she was rewarded with a different sight on the inside. Oh, good, another door. Well, I suppose it is something new... "Pinkie!" She called down the hallway.

The party pony was at her side in an instant. "You found something?" She asked.

Rarity beckoned her through the doorway with a hoof. "Yes. It's not terribly exciting, but it is better than an empty room."

"Ooooh!" Pinkie cooed as she hopped into the new room, "Another door! But this one's got a silver handle! D'ya think that means something special? I wonder what's behind it. Maybe this is the way out! Or, even better, what if it's the way deeper in! Maybe it's booby-trapped! Maybe there's another monster behind it and they didn't bother to mention it! Maybe-Whoah!" She cried out as Rarity's magic wrenched the door open in front of her. Unfazed by Rarity's annoyed expression, she leapt through the door, saying, "Okay, I guess we're opening it right up! Let's see-Aww, I thought it would be something exciting."

As Rarity strode through herself, she saw that behind the door...was another hallway. Exactly like the first one. Except that all the doors had silver handles. This cannot be happening, Rarity thought, as her left eye began to involuntarily twitch.

"Well, it could be worse," Said Pinkie, "At least we know all the doors on this side lead nowhere, so we only have to check one side now. Unless we're going backwards now; we could actually be headed for the exit." She shrugged, and skipped over to the other side of the hall. "Oh well, guess we'll just have to see for ourselves!"

She reached for the door in front of her, but before she touched it, it was opened from the other side rather abruptly. The pony who had opened it stared at the duo, shock and confusion showing on his face. He was wearing a toolbelt, stuffed with climbing and mining implements, a brown vest, and a hard hat. Though he was accompanied by three other ponies, he stood out, as with his yellow-orange fur, and short-cropped brown mane, he looked rather reminiscent of

"Donut Joe!" Pinkie and Rarity cried out in unison. Rarity continued, rather tactfully, "How did you-uh, I mean, where did you-um...What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing," He replied, "How'd the two of you get this deep in, and why are ya headin' back to the surface?" Narrowing his eyes, he continued, "Waaait, I know you. You're that baker from Ponyville, uh, Pinkie Fly?"

"Pinkie Pie!"

"What're ya doin' here, Pinkie? You ain't a Seeker."

"Yup, I sure am!" Pinkie exclaimed, holding out her newly-acquired medallion, "I just inherited this!"

"Well, then," Joe replied, turning to the ponies behind him, "I can't let ya beat me to the cake. Get her!"

One pony, an earth pony mare, drew a knife from a hidden scabbard, while a pegasus took to the air, and raced towards the pair. A unicorn in back lit his horn, advancing. Donut Joe smiled evilly, pulling an identical medallion from within his vest.

"Oh no." Said Rarity, as her eyes shrank to pinpricks. Grabbing her friend's hoof, she cried, "Pinkie, run!"

The Fourth Chapter

In which four fearsome flunkies force a fast-paced finale, for a few feet, before a befuddled boss berates a bummed-out beam blaster for bad business.

Rarity and Pinkie Pie sprinted as fast as they could down a hallway identical to the one they'd started in, Donut Joe's goons in hot pursuit. Beams of magic sizzled around them, as they passed set after set of doors, illuminated by streamers of light from the vaulted ceiling. They were running full tilt, but the pegasus, a muscle-bound green mare with a shock of close-cut black hair, closed in from above. In one swift motion, she dove down and scooped Pinkie up, wrapping her hooves around the pink pony's barrel.

"Pinkie!"

"Help! Nibbles, help me!"

Rarity tried reaching for her, but the pegasus was pulling up too fast, and she had to keep running herself. Just then, she heard a series of chirps, and the bat flew out of the darkness ahead of them, flying directly into the face of Pinkie's attacker. Pinkie took advantage of this, and wrestled free of her hooves, pulling off her tent-cloth cloak as she did so.

"Take this, meanie!" Pinkie yelled as she wrapped the other pony in her cloak completely, even as she fell to the floor herself. The pegasus slammed into the floor and skidded quite a long distance, struggling to extricate herself from Pinkie's cloak and bumping into the wall repeatedly. Pinkie landed gracefully, flipping head over hooves and coming out running. She let out of whoop of excitement, calling to the bat who now flew along beside her, "You actually liked that name! Woohoo, hoofbump!" Behind her, Donut Joe and his unicorn flunkie both leaped over the still-struggling form of their companion, firing magic bolts and twirling a sling even as they did so.

A faint feeling of something hitting her mane caused Rarity to turn around. When she did, she was greeted by the sight of a blood-red earth pony right on her tail, smoothly-flowing white-with-red-stripe mane not quite concealing an ugly scar that ran across the left side of her face, with a large knife clenched sideways in her teeth. Rarity let out a squeak of terror, and involuntarily kicked out at her pursuer.

Luckily, the earth pony's momentum was enough to carry her face-first into the fashionistas outstretched rear hooves, and the kick landed hard, with an accompanying snap of broken cartilage. A lance of sharp pain shot up Rarity's left leg, and she belatedly realized that she had kicked right at the mare's knife. She tried running as fast as she could, but each step sent a jolt of pain through the wound. A rock whizzed past her ear, reminding her that two very unfriendly ponies were catching up quickly.

"Hey, Rarity!" Pinkie yelled as she unexpectedly launched herself to the left, "Catch me!" The two mares collided, and were thrown forcibly through a door by their momentum. They landed in the chamber beyond, rolled once, and slammed through another door, into the first hallway. Incredibly, Pinkie had managed to shut both doors behind them, and quickly recovered from their tumble. "Quick, through a door!", she said, grabbing Rarity by the hoof and yanking her through a door a few doors from where they had entered. When she slammed it shut behind them, Rarity had the good sense to be quiet, and not disrupt her friend's apparent plan to conceal them.

They both listened at the door as hoofsteps sounded in the hallway. A pair of muffled voices leaked through.

"Where'd dey go?" Said one, in Donut Joe's accented growl.

"I dunno." Said the other, in a nervous, squeaky tone. "You went through the door first."

Donut Joe cursed, and then paused for a long moment. "Marmalade?"

"Um, yeah?"

"What was that? Back dere?"

"What d'you mean?"

"I mean, where was da "magical artillery" ya said you could do? Ya turned stuff orange, for pony's sake! If dat's da best ya can give me , then what da hoof'd I hire you for!?"

The other voice whimpered, "I-I'm sorry. I just...really needed the work, you know? So I just..um-"

"Lied ta me? Suckered me inta hirin' you instead of a real unicorn?"

"What? Um, I am a-"

"Didja think I was stupid? Didja think I wouldn't make ya do anythin'? Dat maybe ya could just slide on by an' take my money?"

"I, no, um...I-I thought-"

"Ya know what? Forget it. Just...forget it. I'm takin' back half your fee when dis is done. All of it, if ya don't make yourself useful. Go find-hey, just da pony I was lookin' for! Northwind!"

"Boss?" Asked a gravelly mare's voice.

"You're done playin' wit da cape, I see. Wanna explain ta me how you an' Mean Streak got taken out by a couple scared fillies?"

"I'm a pegasus. It's an enclosed space. Dunno what Streak's problem was."

Joe scoffed, "Huh. I dunno what dat mare's problem is, most o' da time. Hey, Worthless, go back an' get her, willya?"

"M-Me?" Asked the nervous one, Marmalade.

"He didn't mean me." Said the newcomer, "I'm a valuable member of this team. You turn things orange."

"Yeah. You get ta wake her up. Hope she's not too mad, or anything. Consider dis penance for lyin' ta me."

Hoofsteps shuffled away, and no sound could be heard through the door for a small time. Then Donut Joe continued, "Well, we know they ain't comin' back ta that hallway for a while, and I'm pretty sure dat's da only exit, so why don't we start searchin' these doors?" I'll start on dat side, you go tell Worthless ta guard the entrance wit' Mean Streak."

"Kay, boss."

They could both be heard walking away, and Pinkie and Rarity finally breathed a sigh of relief. Pinkie assumed a thoughtful expression, and asked, "Hmmm, turning stuff orange? I didn't see anything turn orange, did you?"

"Yes, Pinkie," Rarity responded sarcastically, "While we were running for our lives, and fighting off a pair of extremely dangerous assailants, I managed to take time to check the decorations."

"Oh, good. I thought you would, you know, being you." She turned to say something else, and froze in shock, mouth half open, eyes widened.

"What?" Asked Rarity.

"Oh, uh, you might want to have a look at your mane."

Rarity frantically scrambled at her mane, hooves going numb in fear. She started imagining all sorts of horrible things, things that would make her slightly mussed look in the desert look downright fashionable in comparison. What happened to it? Oh no oh no oh no oh no-"EEE-" Pinkie shoved a hoof in her mouth to quiet her scream, before it could be heard. She could not believe that such an awful thing most prized trait, that she spent painstaking hours working into just the right look every single day.

Her mane had an ugly, dark orange splotch right across the middle. The horrendous color had gotten onto nearly every hair, and seeped up almost all the way to her scalp. There was no hope of enacting any kind of damage control, as far as she was concerned, her lovely, beautiful, perfectly coiffed, envy-of-the-world mane was ruined!

This is it, Rarity thought, as she sat, shivering, with tears running down her face, in spite of Pinkie's attempts to calm her, This is the end. This day cannot possibly get any worse.

And then the door opened.

Author's Note

Heh, this was gonna be longer, but how could I resist leaving off at such a good straight line?

It's almost final-confrontation time! Woooo!