Shipping
Admiral Biscuit
Sweetie Belle looked down at her sap-covered hooves and stomach distastefully. "Well, that didn't work, all because of that dumb tree."
"Ah really thought it would," Apple Bloom replied. She slid a bottle of oil—a gift from Pinkie Pie—over to the unicorn.
"It just wasn't awesome enough," Scootaloo remarked. "Maybe if we build a bigger ramp, we could—"
"No way," Apple Bloom said. "My rump's still sore from the landing. Ah just don't think we're gonna get our cutie marks in soapbox racing."
"Well, we've got to do something." Sweetie scoured her belly with the oil before handing the bottle to the pegasus. "Apple Bloom, you got any ideas?"
"Ah heard AJ talkin' about some new Daring Do book," she said. "It wasn't a proper book, though. Just written on loose sheets of paper, held together with brads. Ah don't think AK Yearling wrote it."
Scootaloo spit the oily rag out of her mouth. "I'm not gonna get a cutie mark in writing. That's, like, the dumbest thing ever. All a writer does is sit at home with a pencil and paper, making up stuff she'll never do."
"But AK Yearling does—"
"Sweetie, I can still taste pencil."
"It ain't about writin'. We tried that with the Foal Free Press, remember?"
"Yeah," Sweetie said dejectedly. "Rarity grounded me for a week after that."
"You brought up a book, what else could have you have in mind?"
"Well, AJ was talkin' about how it was an unauthorized sequel, an' told Fluttershy that she didn't like the shippin', and then said somethin' about romance and kissing."
Scootaloo's eyes widened, and her wings flared out. "Romance and kissing? Ew."
"Rarity's got a lot of books like that," Sweetie remarked. "I read one once to see what it was about."
"And?" Scootaloo looked at her intensely. "What was it like?"
"Boring!" Sweetie took a deep breath. "There was a bunch of grown-up ponies talking and kissing and falling in love then having sex, and breaking up then having sex, and all the other ponies were upset about it."
"That's all? No explosions? No stunts?"
"Nope. Just pages and pages of weird sex. I asked Rarity and she said I'd understand when I was older."
"How much older?"
"I dunno. It's been weeks, and I still don't get it."
Apple Bloom glared at her friends. "Look, girls, we're gettin' off topic here. We didn't try shippin' yet."
"Did so, we packed boxes with shredded up copies of the Foal Free Press," Scootaloo objected. "Remember?"
"Yeah, and made boats and paper mache," Sweetie added.
"But we didn't ship the packages or ponies," Apple Bloom countered.
"You can't ship ponies."
"Why not, Scootaloo? We get chicks by train sometimes. If you can ship chicks, why couldn't you ship ponies?" Apple Bloom got to her hooves and went muzzle-to-muzzle with Scootaloo while Sweetie Belle batted around the oil bottle. "Applejack mentioned it, remember? And my sister don't lie about things like that."
"So, how do you think we should go about it?"
"I guess just get a box and put a pony in it."
"Well, who's gonna want to be put in a box?"
Both fillies looked over at Sweetie Belle, who'd knocked the oil bottle out of her reach and was now tracing her hoof over the wood grain on the clubhouse floor. She looked up, noticing her two friends were staring at her.
"Wait. . . ."
"You could get a really cool cutie mark, Sweetie,"
"Yeah, but—"
"And you didn't ride in the wagon on our last attempt," Scootaloo added.
"'Cause somepony had to sit on the ground and time it! You said that was important!"
Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. "Come on—you don't have to do anything but sit in a box. How hard can that be?"
"Well . . . I guess. . . ."
"Cool!" Scootaloo reached out as if she was going to hug Sweetie, but then changed her mind and went for a hoof-bump instead. "It's decided! Cutie Mark Crusaders Shippers, yay!"
A quick raid of the barn netted the Cutie Mark Crusaders a big cardboard box, which Apple Bloom had lined with straw and one of Big Mac's old saddle blankets.
As Sweetie was being boosted into the box by Scootaloo, her doubts came back. "I dunno, girls, I'm not so sure about this."
"Look, we cut some air holes," Apple Bloom said. "You'll have my lunch and a coupla juice boxes. There's a blanket in there, and a bunch of straw—what else could you want?"
"Yeah! Now duck your head so we can tape the lid closed!"
Apple Bloom rubbed her chin with her hoof. "You know, it might be easier if we go inta town with an empty box, and you just get in when we're ready to give it to the clerk at the post office."
"Ooh, that's a good idea." Sweetie clambered off Scootaloo's back.
• • •
The three crusaders stopped in an alleyway beside the post office, and Scootaloo boosted Sweetie up into the box while Apple Bloom held the wagon steady. Once the lid was securely taped shut, the pair towed the box into the post office. The postal stallion looked it over, looked at the duo of fillies, and shrugged. "Carousel Boutique, C.O.D. No problem. And what shipping speed would you fillies like?"
Apple Bloom and Scootaloo shared a glance. They hadn't expected there to be different speeds.
"As fast as possible," Scootaloo suggested.
"AJ says that standard shipping is the best—that's what she told Fluttershy."
"Fine." Scootaloo rolled her eyes. "Boring."
The two crusaders left the post office, eagerly discussing the likelihood of getting new cutie marks, or—if this plan failed—what they might try next. Meanwhile, in the back room, if anypony had been listening to a certain box, she could have heard it say quietly, "I’m bored."
• • •
Rarity signed for the package and hoofed over the bits. "Now what could this be? I don't remember ordering anything C.O.D." She looked at the return address. "It was mailed from Ponyville, too. How odd." Shaking her head, she floated the parcel into the boutique's workroom. "It's pretty heavy."
A second inspection revealed no other clues about the providence of the package—other than it had a pleasant farm-y smell—Rarity levitated over a letter opener and slit the packing tape on the top of the box. She took a step back as Sweetie Belle's head popped out of the box.
Sweetie hooked her hooves over the edge of the box, pulling herself upward. Her struggles caused the box to tip and fall over, sending Sweetie sprawling across the floor amid a cascade of straw, empty juice boxes, and sandwich crusts.
As Rarity looked on in shock, Sweetie struggled to her hooves. She looked at her blank flank for a moment, before letting out a mournful sigh.
Rarity looked at her sister in wonder. "What on earth are you doing in a box, mailed to the boutique?" She rolled her eyes as the realization hit her. "Trying to get your cutie mark?"
"It didn't work," Sweetie lamented. "And I really, really have to pee."
Author's Note
Just a silly little thing I tossed together, after seeing the cover illustration on Equestria Daily.
Surprisingly, there are no stories simply titled "Shipping" on FimFiction.
I regret nothing.
FWIW, oil can be used to clean off tree sap. Fan Fiction is also sometimes referred to as an "unauthorized sequel." C.O.D. is 'cash on delivery,' and it used to be somewhat common for packages shipped to residential addresses, although I don't think it is any more. Businesses still get stuff that way. Yes, chicks (and other livestock) used to be shipped by rail. In fact, the USPS still delivers live chicks.
