The Diary Of Berry Punch

by Starshipranger01

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Cheerilee, Slice of Life, Berry Punch
Length: 3127

After being forced by her sister Cheerilee, Berry Punch has to go to therapy and write a diary.

Cheerilee gets tired of her sister Berry Punch's drinking problem. She forces her to go to the new therapist Sweet Ears to get rid of them. Berry Punch isn't that fond of the idea but goes on the fist session to please her sister. Turns out that the best thing for her to do is to write a diary. Follow Berry Punch's life through the seasons, starting at the 1000th Summer Sun Celebration.

Containing mature language

Published 2014-03-03 08:10:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-02 18:56:14 UTC

Entry 2: Nightmare Shblooom rise and fall

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING? I DON’T UNDERSTAND! ETERNAL NIGHT, WHAT? DID SOMEONE DRUG MY DRINK, IS THIS NIGHTMARE MOON JUST A DREAM?

Okay, I have to calm down, that’s what Cherilee told me when I freaked out at the ceremony. But for real, I don’t think this Nightmare Moon just want eternal night, I have seen enough cheesy musicals to know what this bitch want, to rule the world! I mean she said she had kidnapped Princess Celestia! Sweet Ears says I have to be more optimistic, but come on there is no way somepony is going to beat Nightmare Moons ass if she is more powerful than Princess Celestia.

I heard that some ponies were going to defeat her but I’m 99% sure that they are not going to success. I bet Celestia is dead already, did you see how Nightmare Moon hit those guard with lightnings from her eyes? This is absolutely it, those crazy gipsy hags sure is happy, their predictions where right. The end is near! And our only chance is 6 mares.

To succeed and save the world they have to cross the everfree forest, but will their personality get in the way? Will Rainbow Dash be able to give a fuck? Will Pinkie Pie shut up for once? Will Applejack not be a fucking moron? Will Fluttershy actually do shit without either crying or dying? Will Rarity not act like she is the queen of everything? Will this Canterlot bitch Twilight not bitch about how much better she is and how she hates everypony? By you copy of “The end of Equestria” to find out!I should totally be a writer. Then maybe my drinking problem will be accepted and I don’t have to go to this stupid therapist.

I heard that those six mares were going to save the princess by walking through the Everfree forest or some shit and I couldn’t help but laugh my ass off. I mean I went to school with some of those ponies, they are the most annoying bitches I have ever met. Rarity has always been an attention seeking whore who would do anything to be in the spotlight. In second grade she stole Cheerilee’s first coltfriend and then dumped him after a week. Greedy brat.

Even if Rainbow Dash lives in Clouds Dale she works to clear the skies in Ponyville. Since she can do that in “10 seconds flat” she either sleeps or shows off. She has to be the best, and if she isn’t, she’ll destroy the best so she is the only one left. Lazy show-off.

Applejack is just annoying. Every weekend she stands and sell her apples at the square. If you walk by or glare at here she will try to make you buy her apples. She acts like she knew everyone since kindergarten and only talks about her damn family. “Want to by some apples?” No! Annoying country mare.

Fluttershy is the worst. You can’t even talk with her. She is always hanging out with her animals and her special talent is that she can talk to them. Bullcrap. There are many rumors about her, for example, I heard she slept with a bear. But I think she deserves it, she is so shy she can’t even tell her name without having to repeat it like a hundred times so anyone can hear. And everypony is acting like they feel sorry for her, like she has an illness or something. Even If she tried to make friends nopony would really want to be her friend because she is so damn shy. And how ironic is it that every damn stallion is in love with her, like do you think being shy is sexy? Is that the case? Hoe.

And don’t get me started on Pinkie Pie. Sure, sometimes she throws great parties with free alcohol but she is so damn annoying. Nobody cares about what she has to say anyway, it’s not like she is my friend. Yuck, did I mention how slutty she is. I do not know anypony who haven’t had sex with her, not kidding. Slut.

And then we have Twilight something magical. Whatever, I do not care what her name is. I mean the rest of the ponies are bitches, but she is the biggest bitch of them all. Just because she is the princess most faithful student and have a baby dragon and an own apartment in Canterlot doesn’t mean she have to be a bitch about it. “Yeah, I am so much better then all of you” “I have a baby dragon” “I am so much smarter then all you rednecks in Ponyville”. Freak.

What am I doing? We are all going to die and I’m here writing a fucking diary. Pathetic. Maybe someone will find this in like thousands of years or so. Jokes on them, they’ll will think this is some ancient book with all the answers they need for this thing that are going to destroy the world. Hah.

I should totally go and get myself some alcohol, like right now.

Okay so I just sat in my apartment, staring into the everlasting night and then suddenly the sun just rise. Like what the fuck Celestia, didn’t she die? So I went outside to see what happened. Just as me, everypony was confused and nopony knew what was going on. All the ponies waited in like an hour and then Princess Celestia and some other blue alicorn were in a golden cart. And then those disgusting six mares showed up all happy and friends. Celestia then told everypony what happened.

Apparently Nightmare Moon was only some evil sister to Celestia and was banished to the moon or some shit, but now she was all nice or something. And then, just when that bitch Twilight was about to leave she decided to stay here in Ponyville because “She had learn the values of friendship”. What bullshit. Now she will live in that library which is a little too close to my apartment.

I have a session with Sweet Ears tomorrow, shit. I hope she has a better solution then this diary ‘cause it is not working. This is the worst day of my life. But is it really a day? I mean the sun was like 4 hours late. This is the worst almost-day of my life. Yeah.

Entry 3: Painful Puns

Yesterday I went to my second session with Sweet Ears, it went shit. First she asked me about how much I had drunk since our last meeting, and I answered honestly, after failing to lie about it. It was a little too much, and she looked really disappointed. She said that she was going to tell Cheerilee about it, and that is the last thing I want. Then she told me that she had spoken to some pony and apparently I have a job now. That was a surprise. So tomorrow is my first day as an professional babysitter. Can you imagine? Me taking care of kids isn't the best idea, but I promised Sweet Ears to at least try. It is a really shitty job, but I have to do it. If I earn money I can help paying the rent, which is a step in the right direction.

Twinkle Shine, my old classmate, is going out of town in a week or so to meet some friends in Canterlot so for my first job I have to take care of her child over a night. I remember when she got pregnant, there were so many rumours, even if she was like 25 years old. She had just arrived back to Ponyville after working in Canterolt in about a year. She looked awfully suspicious, and as it turned out she was pregnant and single. Twinkle Shine had always been that innocent but popular cheerfilly in school with really strict parents. And now the story about her "unwanted" soon to be born baby was all over the newspaper, 'cause that’s the most exiting thing that had happened in Ponyville apparently. Pathetic. Anyhow, as it turned out she'd been dating some stallion for like two years and were almost engaged. Embarrassing for the gossip journalist though. Oh here I chatter away, like always. Doesn't that prove how lonely I am, how desperate I am to share my thoughts. The points I was trying to make is that I am going to babysit Twinkle Shine's filly Berry Pinch. Isn't the name just punderful. Sweet Ears apparently thought the name was very funny, I guess even the most perfect warrior has an Achilles heal. And her is puns. I personally don't like puns at all, or do I. Puns can be weirdly annoying, that’s my opinion.
Sweet Ears also said it was good for me to get a hobby, but I don't know what the fuck that hobby is going to be. I suck at many things. I have to think of something really cool that’s not too hard, it's going to take a while to figure it out.

Right now I'm sober, it feel strange. I'm noticing new things about myself, like I swear a lot. It's quite annoying actually, I'm going to try to turn down my bad language. Today I'd set up a goal for myself, I'm going to find 3 new friends this month. Ponyville isn't that small town, and as that bitch Twilight said "Friendship is magic!” I’m not going to say that again, and that’s for sure. I just want somepony to talk to, a pony that isn’t my sister or a therapist.

Ever since that yucky Canterlot-slut Twilight moved in so many crazy things happened. Like that time when she got tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala and everypony went crazy trying to get a ticket. I wanted tickets to, I know it’s all fancy and shit but they got some quality booze for free! Maybe my new hobby is wine tasting? Or not, even if alcohol is my destiny, I’m sick of it. And it’s really expensive, it’s only posh ponies from Canterlot who do that stuff, I’m too trashy.

Another funny thing that happened was that Applejack were stoned. Or it looked like it, she looked really high. You should have seen her when she got that trophy. I don’t know what happened but the apple family didn’t do shit about it. I heard that Big MacIntosh were injured someday before that. If you ask me I think that Big Mac found some of that crazy bitch Applejacks crack and confronted her about it. They fought but Applejack used some crazy weapon or something (because we all know that Big MacIntosh is the strongest hunk in ponyville and nopony can kick his ass without using some laserbeemshit). So when Big Mac was out of picture Applejack was able to smoke whatever she wanted. And Granny Smith didn’t do shit about it ‘cause she’s too cool for them. I like Granny Smith, she is so much cooler then stupid Applejack or that dumb filly Apple Bloom. But that’s just my theory.

So Pinkie threw a party some days ago, so I decided to go. I've promised myself to be more social and therefor a party was a great start. The party was arranged for a griffin that had arrived that day. I saw her earlier when I went on a walk. She didn't seem that nice then, and she wasn't that nice on the party either. She started screaming at Fluttershy and was really mean. I don't like Fluttershy and I would gladly tell her what an awful pony she is, but there is reasons why I keep it for myself. The thing that griffin did was pretty low, and now ponies feel more sorry for Fluttershy then ever. But it was hilarious to watch the griffin at the party, I didn't think ponies (and griffins for that matter) could embarrass themselves that much. I thought that only happened in sitcoms, maybe being more social is fun after all. Maybe friendship is magic. Nah, screw it, I'm am not going to be a sissy wimp like Twilight.

Author's Note

Woah, it's been a long time since I wrote a chapter, haven't it? Well I am lazy and has other things to do, which isn't the best excuse but eh I don't know. But new chapter yay!

Entry 1: The Summer Sun Celebration

Dear diary
I can’t believe I’m doing this. Since my shitty sister Cheerilee made me go to this shitty therapist because “I’m an alcoholic” and “I have a serious problem” I have to write this shitty diary. I don’t think that she even understand that I don’t want to stop drinking, I mean drinking is my life! I even have a fucking drinking-cutie mark and I brew my own punch. But it is pretty hard to make punch when you are drunk or got a hangover so I often buy drinks at the bar. And with often I mean always. And it isn’t like I sell the little punch I make, I just drink it myself. The only income I have comes from the Social Services, but it’s not much. I share an apartment with my sister, Cheerilee. She pays the bills with her salary from her job as a teacher. She is a pretty good teacher but I know it’s exhausting. The only thing she does is to grade the little fillies homework, I mean she haven’t had sex with someone since she was 30. When I think about it she is actually a pretty good sister, unlike me.

But let’s talk about drinking again, shall we? What am I even trying to do? Nopony is going to read it anyway, except little “Neat Rears”. Oh I’m pretty damn bad at writing this thing, English wasn’t my best subject in school. When I think about it, I didn’t have a best subject. I have always been this loser who can’t seem to get anything right, and look at me today, I’m a fucking alcoholic. I have no job, no special somepony, and no future. I go to a therapist and I write a freaking diary. Can it get any worse? Of course it can, and it will always get worse in this stinking world. I will become a homeless pony who will sit on the street, begging for alcohol. I have accepted my faith.

Anyway today it is Summer Sun Celebration which means drinking night! What an awful transition, I suck at this. Anyway, as always everypony will be at the bar tonight, trying to stay up till Celestia raise the sun. I have to admit that I’m pretty fucking good at it, many ponies don’t even make it till midnight. Well I do, which is not a very charming talent if you think about it.
I saw some fancy Canterlot-pony checking on the preparations earlier today. She seemed a little bit… uptight maybe. She looked rich thou, I mean she even had a baby dragon. But I don’t give a fuck, really. One thing I don’t understand is why they had to have the big celebration in Ponyville, it’s even the 1000th Summer Sun Celebration and which town did they choose, Ponyville? How ironic. Mayor Mare sure is happy, this is great for the economics I heard. I’m just glad I didn’t have to do much for the big party as I thought. Celestia had her own fancy Canterlot wine so I didn’t have to do some punch. More time for me to drink.
Now, my little perfect a-student that just graduated therapist says I have to sober up, but I can’t let this sort of event pass through. I promise she will bitch about it in our next session but to her I say “Go fuck yourself and get some perspective”. I don’t really care if little “Sweet Tears” or whatever her name is will read this, If I want to drink, then let me! But what if she shows it to Cheerilee, I do in fact care about her, even if I don’t express that very often. She can’t see this, she would be so disappointed in me, and she did actually save her money for my therapy. I can’t just throw the money away, even if “Heat Ears” or something is a bitch, I have to live with it, I have to show Cheerilee how mature I am, and that I can take care of myself. Maybe it wasn’t so good to call her shitty at the beginning, oh whatever.

I’m going to get myself a drink at “The Grumpy Griffin”, after writing so much about my drinking problem I’m craving for alcohol. And besides, I don’t have anything better to do. “The Grumpy Griffin” is the local bar or as I like to call it, my second home. It’s one of the few places here in Ponyville where you can get a decent drink without having to pay too much. I have been banned like 5 times but the bartender doesn’t really care. Her name is Misty Moon I think, she is only working for the money I suppose. I mean it’s not like anybody would volunteer to work with the Flim Flam brothers. They are the business owners that own the place, I think they hail from Trottingham. You see those guys quite often actual, always talking about their “great machine that can make cider in seconds”. Nopony believes in that bullshit, and if the machine could exist they would already be finished with it. They have talked about it for years! And nopony has seen the construction, not even the blueprints. Bullshit. But they take care of their business at least. Even if they are fucking annoying they can provide drinks, and that’s enough for me. Oh I love drinking. Beer, punch, cider, whine, anything that contains alcohol, I love it, I just, I love it.

How do perfect Sweet Ears (did I get it right? I think so) even thinks when she expects that I will stop drinking, it’s my fucking cutie mark you slut. Anyway have to stop here, this quill is making me sick. It’s so hard for an earthpony to write, we have to have that disgusting quill in the mouth, while unicorn can use magic. Fucking unicorn sluts, why can’t every damn unicorn go fuck a cactus. How do you even end this sort of things, goodbye? No, it’s not a letter. How am I supposed to end it? The end. Now it’s done, you can all go home. Oh fuck it, I’m leaving.