Alcohol Doesn't do Nicely With Twilight

by That Twisted Brony

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Spike, Comedy, Rarity, Random
Length: 2167

Rarity wants some good ol' fashioned girlytime with Twilight. Only problem is, well lets just say, anything and everything.

Good ol' alcohol.

Makes you do crazy stuff.

Which is why Rarity tells Twilight something important about it.

Twilight isn't happy about it.

A collaboration with the ever humble *ahem* TwilightPoopSparkle.

Published 2014-03-03 04:50:10 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-03 04:50:10 UTC

Oh, Celestia, here we go...

It was one of those “ehh” kind of days in Ponyville. Not too sunny, not to cloudy. Seriously though, who gives two shits? Twilight Sparkle was in her tree/home/library thing. As always, she had her muzzle deep in a book about Celestia knows what. Probably porn. Then suddenly a loud crash sounded followed by the clip clop of fancy hooves against wood.

     The slave dragon, Spike flew into a wall where a stack of books lay. Not only did the stack of her Playpony porn books fall, it pissed off Twilight because it interrupted her nerd time. NO ONE INTERRUPTS NERD TIME!!! Oh, it was her.

     “Oh my god! Twilight! We need to have some girly time!” yelled her narcissistic mare friend, Rarity. She paused for a moment to curl her almost plastic hair that takes fourteen hours to perm. Girly time? That's all that stupid white unicorn thought about. Girl time. Girl time and fancy hats. The horror...

     “Uhm, I'm studying right now Rarity. So if you would please go away like a good friend...” Twilight explained. Stupid bitch.

     “Seriously, Twilight, shut that damn book and come over to my boutique. I would love to give you a makeover Celestia knows you need it,” she said, looking at Twilight's ratty, neglected, and absolutely greasy mane. She kinda gave an disgusted “eew” noise when she looked at it. Damn, why can't Twilight use conditioner once in a while?! Is it too much to ask?

     “Whatever. Spike! Clean up while I'm gone. I don’t want to see a single speck of dust. If you don't clean it up the way I like it, it's the paddle again.” Spike looked around at the hundreds of books lying on the floor and other miscellaneous crap that littered their home.

     “Yeah sure, why not?” he replied and under his breath he added, “Bitch,” While the supremacy race was watching, the baby dragon bent down, picking up dirt and soot with his tongue. Just the way Twilight likes it. Both smiling, the ponies slammed the door. He kicked a discarded peach into a stack of scrolls, knocking them over and making more he had to clean. "FUUUCCCKKK!!!!" He stood up again, and brought out his mop and pan. Did those bitches really think he would use his tongue?

     Since they were ponies, Rarity and Twilight talked about pony stuff. "Yadda yadda yadda, so I created this giant fancy hat this afternoon." Twilight groaned. She hated it when Rarity talked about hats , even though it was the only way to pass time when walking through the marketplace. "And I put a billion feathers on it! Aren't you excited?"

     "Fuck no," Muttered Twilight under her breath. Since Rarity decided to ignore that, she continued to talk. Oh how she WANTED to strangle that bitch!

     Ponies around town moved away from the duo. There were only two rules with dealing with Twilight: Don't interrupt nerd time, and don't piss her off. Since the alicorn looked pissed all the time, it was best to leave her alone. Forever. Or until she gets pissed at them for no apparent reason and sets them on fire. So they jumped into their homes fearfully watched through the windows with curious eyes.

     Once Rarity and Twilight were in the boutique, they sat at Rarity's table. The white unicorn poured some Absinthe and she started to polish Twilight's hooves. The purple hooves were cracked and bruised, liked they haven't seen a spa in years. Have they ever even BEEN to a spa?

     Twilight couched to break the silence in the house. “So Rarity, why the sudden need to spend time with me? I mean, you have other friends to talk to.” she asked. Rarity paused. Was she supposed to be offended by that? Why does every pony like to offend her? She did nothing wrong!

     “I just wanted to talk, darling,” When Rarity had to invite Twilight over for something, it was not good. Usually putting on ridiculous giant hats. Or ridiculous itchy clothing. Sometimes both.

     “Uh huh,” Twilight muttered. Rarity ignored the comment. Damn ugly princess alicorn.

     “Well, to tell the truth Twilight, I sorta had sex with Rainbow Dash last night.” Twilight sprayed the sip of alcohol she had in her mouth onto Rarity's face. The unicorn wiped it away with a pink diamond encrusted napkin laying on a table.

“WHAT!!” Twilight yelled “You. Rainbow. Sex. And. Dash. Had?” This really rustled her jimmies. That meant that she was pissed. If she was pissed, that means... RARITY BROKE THE RULES!

     “Well we were both drunk last night, I mean really, REALLY drunk. We came here last night, she was way too trashed to fly home. I took a shower, I hate that bar smell you get when you go there, so when I was in there I started singing some Rick Roll and Dash came in and said she loved my voice. One thing led to another and boom, I ate out her snat-”

     “Whoa whoa whoa, too many details, shut the fuck up.”

     “Sorry darling, but-”

     "I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

     "But I wanted to talk about the most romantic time we had! It was so amazing, how we had intercourse, and that I'm not a virgin anymore."

     "Don't you know what 'Shut. The. Fuck. Up.' means? IT MEANS THAT IF YOU KEEP TALKING I WILL MAKE THAT HORN ON YOUR HEAD A GOD DAMNED DICK! DO YOU WANT A DICK FOR A HORN?!"

     Rarity was shocked. Why would Twilight even think of that, of all things? She did not want a penis for a horn. How would she ever succeed as the master race? Her parents would so ashamed for their daughter to have a penis for her beautiful horn. "So rude." She scoffed.

     "BECAUSE YOU HAD SEX WITH MY BEST FRIEND! KEEP YOUR FILTHY TOUNGUE OUT OF MY RAINBOW DASH!" Twilight's purple face was pure red. You could almost see the steam coming out of her ears and snout. And were her pupils... on fire? She really pissed of Twilight. It was a miracle that Rarity didn't disintegrate on the spot.

     "But I was drunk!" Rarity pleaded.

     "You stupid slut, you couldn't even handle one drink?!"

     "It was more like fifteen." Twilight's steam disappeared, and her purple fiery eyes became her normal hateful eyes. At least Rarity calmed part of the storm. Thank goodness for her large alcohol tolerance.

     "Oh damn, I understand that then. But Rainbow?"

     Rarity twirled a hoof in the wooden floor. "She was licking my neck and sucking my horn. I couldn't say no!"

     "I'm outta here." Twilight shoved the bitch out of her way and used her purple magic to rip the door off it's hinges, creating a giant hole in the wall. The ponies outside whistled and walked away, pretending that they didn't hear or see anything.

     “Wait! Twilight!” Too late, she was gone. The prissy unicorn was about to go into 'fuck my life I'm going to put on a pointless robe and watch Broke Back Mountain' (The horses point of view of course) and eat ice cream 'until I puke' mode until she had a great idea. Rarity ran upstairs to her master bedroom, grabbed a box from her closet, put it in a saddle bag, and bolted out the hole in the wall Twilight left behind.

     Rarity ran as fast as she could, knocking over some background ponies in the process. She paused for a moment to look at a fancy hat rimmed with jewels that the cutest pony in the world, Derpy, was wearing. She made a mental note to steal the idea and change the color scheme a bit, and continued to go around Twilight's library/tree/home (honestly no one knew what the fuck it was.) to steal some more ideas. Let's just say the building was a fucking shithole.

     Twilight was in the main study paddling Spike for finding a wrinkle in her bed sheet. Not even a small one the size of a grasshopper goes unnoticed. The cries stopped once they saw Rarity watch them from the window outside. Rarity was such a snitch that in anyway she would report Twilight for child abuse. He was just a fucking dragon, why go all this way with filing mistreatment? “Next time, iron them before making the bed. GOT IT?” She lectured.

     “Yes Twilight. I will obey your every command.”

     “You want the paddle again? What are you to call me?” Spike exhaled in frustration.

     “Princess 'your better than Cadance, Luna, and Celestia put together' Twilight fuckin Sparkle. I solemnly swear that I will never be an ass, but to obey your every command. It is my pleasure." He grumbled.

     “That's better,” The paddle whacked him on the back of the head, causing him to fall down the stairs. "How many times have I told you not to use the fucking f-bomb! Where are you even learning these words? You're getting a bad example from something!"

     "You." Spike whimpered, trying to pick himself up. His tail was broken, and the bone was sticking out. ANNNNDDDD there was blood on the floor. No hospital for him tonight.

     Twilight was shocked. "What?! You, learning these words from moi? I am a good student, who doesn't use those words! You can ask anypony! Ask the bitch Rarity! Ask the dick Colgate! Ask the biggest whore of them all, Princess Celestia! I don't say motherfucking potty words! You BITCH!"

     Her extremely powerful sexy magic picked up Spike from the bottom of the stairs, brought him to the top, and dropped him again. And again. And again.

     Around fifty drops, Twilight became bored. It just wasn't fun throwing her slave down the stairs anymore. (Maybe she could use knives next time.) Now there was something better to do!

     Twilight's magic picked up the half-dead Spike, and threw him out the window. "You biiiiiiiittttcccccchhhhh," Yelled Spike as he fell from the second story window. His body burrowed halfway through the cement, leaving only a head, a thumbs up, and a hoarse whisper of, "I'm okay."

     The alicorn smiled, happy that she taught Spike a lesson and relived some stress. It felt so gooooood beating up her assistant. But it sucks that he was still okay. What is that little dragon made of? Now with beating up Spike checked off her list, there was something new added.

     "RAINBOW DASH!!!" Twilight screamed as loud as she could. It wasn't a love strucken scream, but pure livid one. A cloud in the sky moved a little, and out popped Rainbow Dash.

     Rainbow scratched the back of her neck and laughed, with a slight hint of being tipsy. "Oh hey Twilight, I heard you call. What's up?" Instead of a Rarity being a bitch, Rainbow was a douche. Maybe the rainbow mane pointed that out.

     "I have something to say!" Rainbow's eye twitched and she sank lower into the ground. "You had sex with Rarity! In her house! WITHOUT ME?!" Oh snap.

     "I was drunk! Do you know what sort of crazy things ponies do while drunk?"

     "Rarity had fifteen drinks and you had like... seven! I know your alcohol intake. This really pisses me off, and rustles my jimmies! You know what this calls for?"

     "Sexytime?" Twilight nodded naughtily. Rainbow pounced on Twilight and began to have sex. In front of Rarity. With a giant hat. Overall, it was a pretty normal day in Ponyville.

Then Spike died later on from being hit by Tank, so every pony laughed.

     "Yesss....more!!!" Moaned Rainbow as Applejack bit her cyan wings. The two were snuggling each other in the barnyard. As two duo were lovingly placing their hooves lower and lower, the barn door opened, and a light came on. "RAINBOW DASH!? APPLEJACK?!" They turned around surprised... to...

Twilight.

     "*hic* Hi Twalight," Giggled Rainbow Dash. "We was *hic* foolin' arrround n' that other stuff."

     "Yesh..." Agreed Applejack. They resumed caressing each other as Twilight screeched.

     "YOU GUYS ARE ON ALCOHOL!!! AND HAVING SEX WITH EACH OTHER!" Yes. Barrels and barrels of cider were scattered around, many of them spilling the intoxicating substance on the hay floor. Pure drunkenness hung in the air.

     This didn't bother Rainbow Dash because she was already a douche. "So? *hic*"

     "I wanted you to only have me! If are with another pony, you leave me out!" Without the farmer's acknowledgment, Twilight jumped on top of them. Now for the second time that day, Rainbow and Twilight had sex.

At least they included that background pony.

And there were no giant hats.

And the bitch Rarity wasn't there.

And Spike was still dead.