Into the Pit

by Smexy and Boss Inc

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Other, Random, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Original Character
Length: 4856

What happens when two rather eccentric friends get teleported to a place where friendship and love is powerful enough to be condensed into a form of pastry? Hilarity and madness. And lots of it.

Join two eccentric young men as they take a journey to a very loving and tolerant place. But will the ponies be able to handle the odd duo? Or will they end up digging themselves a large pit they may not return from? Let's see!

Takes place at the first episode and will be following the Canon story line.
Warning: Swearing, mild sexual content, and mild violence.

Published 2014-03-03 05:20:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-03 05:20:04 UTC

Chapter 1: Entry

Episode One:

Foxtrot Juliet's Yee-Haw

The sun shined brightly in the sky above Evergreen, the air was warm and the people of the small town were enjoying everything that the state of Colorado had to offer. Teenagers sat at their usual hangouts, children were playing on the playground and the adults were either getting their daily dose of vitamin D or hanging out at one of the town’s bars. A warm summer breeze  made the day all the more enjoyable, especially for two young men who were sitting on the edge of town. An old ford crown vic was parked near by as they set up their campsite. It was actually more like one of them was setting up the campsite while the other was sitting in the car, listening to the radio and puffing on a cigar.

“Jed! Is the camp almost ready?!” Shouted the one in the car, lifting his aviators that sat over his green eyes to see what was happening with his friend. The young man wore a pair of olive drab cargo pants and steel toed boots, as well as a bomber jacket with a white T-shirt. On his head was an old military helmet covered his short black hair, it had been bequeathed to him in his grandfather's will, and had been his for his entire life.

Jed scratched his head as he looked at the tent that had been built and the fire ring that had been made from stones. He was wearing a dirty white shirt, blue jeans, and a set of brown work boots covered his feet. A black Fedora sitting on his head, given to him by his mother on his Birthday, and A orange bottle opener hung from his neck by a black string. Finally a set of square lens glasses rested on his nose while a five O’clock shadow covered his chin, showing he had forgotten to shave.

He glanced in between the tent and the instructions that were in his hand. While everything seemed to be correct, he worried that he may have somehow forgotten something. He was rather clumsy on occasion, it getting him into problems more than once, and he was quadruple checking to make sure nothing went wrong. He sighed and tossed the Instructions into the tent’s bag.

“Ah think ah got it, John...” He shouted back, cautiously looking over everything. “Though ah still feel like ah’m forgetting something.” John puffed on his cigar for a moment and exhaled.

“Did you remember to put the stakes in?” He asked

“Yeah...” Jed looked over the tents, making sure that he had put everything in its proper place.

“Did you connect those hangy things?”

“Ah think so?” Jed stated as he once more scratched his chin, John got out of the car and meandered over to the tents. He looked them over for a bit, then poked one. It fell over.

“Jed. You only put up HALF of the tent.” He deadpanned, looking at his friend with a scowl. His friend merely shrugged and gave a sheepish smirk.

“Ah told ya ah wasn’t no good at building things.” He dropped his arms to his sides and looked around the campsite. It was a small area just inside the forest, in case one of them, meaning Jed, got hurt and needed medical care. While they were surrounded by trees, the car wasn’t too far behind them, making it less of a hassle to take the supplies to the camp. “Anyhow, you fix this up, ah’ll get some firewood.” John sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, then pointed to the pile of firewood next to the car.

“How did you ever graduated high school, I’ll never know.” Jed raised his hands to his face before calmly speaking.

“Two words. Flerp.” And with a small spin, he turned and jogged over to their car to grab the hatchet. John facepalmed and walked over to the tents, he began rebuilding them correctly. Muttering and grumbling to himself as he did so. After twenty minutes Jed came back with a arm full of wood whistling a small tune to himself before abruptly dropping all of the wood next to the fire ring with a loud clatter.

He dusted off his hands as he saw his friend’s disgruntled expression, raising an eyebrow in curiosity. “Oh what’s got you lookin’ all sour?” Jed asked as he plopped himself onto the ground, resting his arms on his knees. John wiped his hands on his pants and walked over to a log that acted as a seat, then sat and let out a sigh.

“Fuckin’ cops.” He growled, looking at his friend. “Four years, Jed. Four fuckin’ years I worked my ass off. I did all that work, and what do they tell me?” He picked up and rock and chucked it at a nearby tree. “I’m too fuckin’ hostile! I’m too violent! WHAT THE FUCK!? SO FUCKING WHAT IF I GO A LITTLE OVERBOARD!?”

Jed just blinked slowly, his chin resting in the palm of his hand. With as small shrug he stood up and simply stated. “Eh, fuck’em. They missed an opportunity to have a good cop. But if it’s any consolation... I bought marshmallows.” John slumped his shoulders a bit and looked at the ground, then after a moment of silence he looked up.

“And twinkies?” He asked.

“A’Course!” Jed laughed as he dusted off his pants and put his hands on his hips, once more looking around the forest. He would never admit it, but something about the area that they had picked unnerved him to no extent. “Well, best we get this fire started!”

(♠)(♠)(♠)(♠)(♠)

The night was quiet and every star could be seen through the trees, every constellation was in perfect placement, the moon full and shining bright enough to light up the entire forest. The two men were sitting by the crackling campfire, a bag of junk food and hot dogs sitting on a small portable table. When they had finished setting up camp, they opted for the typical camping routine. Stories and Hot Dogs.

“... And so after ah had been bucked offa this horse, went through the side of the barn, and landed in the pig pen, my Ma just comes on out and tosses me a towel sayin’ ‘ah told ya he didn’t like denim’!” Jed finished his story with a loud cackle, and subconsciously rubbing his neck, remember the pain that had helped make his story more colorful. John chuckled a bit, then leaned forwards.

“I ever tell you about the time I kicked a disney mascot in the balls?”

“Ah don’t think you have! This gonna be good.” Jed leaned forward onto his knees as he began listened intently. John took a puff on his cigar before looking off in thought.

“Well, I was with my mom on a family trip…” John said, talking with his hands. “And she knows how much I hate boats, but that didn’t stop her from sending us on a disney cruise. It was something like three days in, and we were getting these massive waves. So I was spending most of my time by the railing on the back of the ship, vomiting.” John took his cigar out of his mouth and spat on the ground. He tapped it a few times, getting rid of the ashes and then taking another puff on it.

“And this fucker comes along, dressed like that nazi duck.” John poked at the fire with a stick for a moment. “And he says ‘Looks like someone’s having a bad day! Let’s turn that frown upside down!’. To which I replied. ‘Go fuck yourself’.” The young man chuckled. “Afterwhich I vomited over the side of the ship again. He musta taken offense to my words, cause he started calling for security. So, figuring I was already fucked, I slammed my steel toes into his balls.”

Jed was silent a moment before he let out a loud ‘Snrk’ and burst into laughter, falling backwards into the dirt. “Oh my god, ah wish that you would’a recorded that!” Jed cackled as he clutched his sides.

“The best part is, the guy was so fucked up he forgot my face and I took off! So when they came around asking if I’d seen anyone, I said ‘Nope, but I hope you find him’. And they fuckin’ bought it.” John took another puff on his cigar. “Fuckin’ disney security takes their job way too seriously.”

Jed laughed a bit more before letting out a dry cough and sitting up, a large smile on his lips. He gave a few more chuckles and grabbed his canteen, taking a deep drink and sighing in relief. He wiped a tear from his eye before sitting up. “Oh good lord, ah have not laughed that hard in a while.” he muttered before resting his chin on his knees. Then a thought occurred to him. “Hey I ever tell you the joke about Lil’ Johnny and the rubber duck?”

(♠)(♠)(♠)(♠)(♠)

It was around Midnight when the two decided to turn in for the night, each crawling into their tents. Around thirty minutes later, Jed crawled out of the tent, a loud yawn escaping his lips. He sleepily rubbed his eyes and walked out into the forest to relieve himself. As he got out and grabbed his flashlight, he noticed something shining in the distance. He blinked to clear the haze in his eyes, making sure his glasses weren’t smudged any.

He looked again and saw nothing. Shrugging, he ignored it as his flashlight reflecting off of something. After a quick trip to the tree, he saw the light again, watching as it shined brightly no matter where he walked. He would have chalked it up to his flashlight again, but the light slowly shifted coloration, turning into a deep blue and beginning to strobe.

As he took a step towards it, a loud thunderous boom echoed in the light’s direction, knocking him onto his ass by it’s sheer force.

“What the fuck!?” Shouted John from his tent, seconds later he scrambled out. Quickly he slipped his boots on and double knotted them, then ran towards Jed with his helmet seated awkwardly on his head. “The fuck you do, Jed!?”

“I just took a piss!” Jed cried out as he shakily got to his feet, adjusting his hat on his head. He pointed a finger at the light in the distance and stammered out. “It was th-that thing!” John looked where he was pointing and raised an eyebrow.

“The fuck?” He started walking towards it, not waiting to see if Jed was following. “I’m gonna fuckin’ kill those punks.”

“Oi, where ya think ya are goin’?” Jed spoke out as he ran after John. “They clearly have something that is powerful enough to force someone to the ground, ah don’ want ta think ‘bout what it could do ta someone up close!”

“No talking. Only vengeance.” John replied angrily. “Vengeance for the awesome dream I was having.” Jed threw his hands in the air in disbelief and walked after him.

“Ah swear to god, John. If ah end up with any broken bones, ah am-” Jed stopped talking as they got to the light, a navy blue orb of energy simply floating in place. They both stared at it a moment before Jed reached out to touch it, only to have his hand slapped away by John. “Ow!”

“What the fuck is wrong with you? We have no idea what that is.”

“It’s shineh though! Nothing bad ever happened from touching something shineh!” Jed said, throwing his arms in the air with a huff. John simply gave him a deadpanned stare as Jed huffed once more. He stared at the orb of light before gently raising a hand and extending a finger.

“Lord, why do you burden me so…” John muttered. “Jed, don’t fucking touch it!” Jed slowly inched his finger towards the orb of light, his eyes narrowed with interest. “Jed, I mean it! I’ll take the car and leave you out here!” As his finger was an inch away from the orb he stopped and considered John’s words. He sighed and lowered his hand. “Thank you, I was worried I’d have to-”

A loud snapping was heard as the orb of light swayed and shifted in place a moment. John looked to his right and saw Jed holding a broken branch in his hand. “Huh, nothing happened.” He muttered absent mindly.

“Jed? What did I just say?” John asked, in a disbelieving ‘why?’ tone.

“Ah didn’t touch it!” Jed stated innocently, throwing the stick behind himself.

“Yes you did! You broke a fucking tree branch over it!”

“Exactly! Ah didn’t touch it!”

“Jed. If did that to a girl, that would be touching her!”

“Noooo.... It’d be assault. There is a difference.”

“No there’s fucking not!”

“Oh what do you kn-” There was a loud thunderous crack as a bolt of lightening whipped out of the orb and struck Jed in the head. A blinding flash of light and nothing was left of Jed. Aside from his shoes.

“OH FUCK!” John shouted, staring for a moment before running towards the campsite. When he reached the camp he grabbed his phone from the car and began to dial 911, he turned towards the light and his mouth hung open for a moment. “Fuck my life…” He muttered before the orb slammed into his chest, blackness encompassed his vision.

(♠)(♠)(♠)(♠)(♠)

John felt like he had been hit by a freight train, every part of his body ached. Especially his cheek, something was poking him. His hearing returned to him, and the identity of his tormentor was revealed.

“Hey John, wake up!.... Wake up John!.... John!.... John!..... JOHN!” Jed’s voice continued to climb in volume as did the frequency of his poking.

John inwardly sighed, keeping his eyes closed he grabbed the stick Jed was using to poke him with. “Poke me one more time and I’ll shove this up your ass.” He growled out as he ripped the stick from Jed’s grasp.

“...... John?” Jed asked one more time.

“Yes?” John replied, opening his eyes.

“You see my shoes?” Jed asked, looking down at his feet, seeing them both only covered in socks. “Cause ah have been wandering around and stepping on all sorts of shit.”

“Jed. Where are we?” John asked, noticing that they were no longer outside. Instead they were in what appeared to be a dilapidated church, though it seemed more like a palace than a church.

“..... Are ya honestly askin’?” Jed asked in mild disbelief. “Remember what happened last time?”

“Noted. Just tell me.”

“Well if I had to guess, either on the movie set of the second of the Second Braveheart.... or we are in Ireland.” Jed stated as he got onto his knees.

“They made a second Braveheart?”

“..... No.” Jed deadpanned. John sighed and rolled onto his stomach, then pushed himself up until he was standing. The young man brushed himself off and looked around, noting several stain glass windows that hadn’t been shattered. All of them depicted horses.

“What the fuck?” John walked towards one of the shattered windows and looked out onto the landscape that surrounded them. In the distance he could see a castle sitting on the mountain. “Jed. Can you tell me if I’m seeing this correctly?”

“Castle on the mountain? Yeah... It’s actually there.” Jed stated as he stood up and began to look down the halls, dusting off his pants and shirt.

“Fuck.” John fumbled with his jacket, reaching into the inside pocket and pulling a fresh cigar as well as his zippo lighter. He knew he should use wood matches, but the lighter was the only thing he had at the time. He lit the cigar and puffed on it for a moment. “Hey Jed…” He turned only to find himself alone. “Fuckin’ Jed.”

A loud crash filled the air followed by an almost silent ‘Whoops’ from Jed as he poked his head around the corner and waved at John. “Hey, dude! Come over here, Ah found something!” John sighed and started walking towards Jed.

“Alright, but after that we’re going home.” As he turned the corner of the hallway, a deep toned Pipe Organ began to fill the air, making him slightly flinch as it echoed violently throughout the halls. “God damn!” John shouted, covering his ears. He looked up and saw Jed sitting in front of a massive organ, playing away to his heart’s content. “When did you learn to play the organ?”

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Jed stopped and faintly blushed before getting up. “Heh heh... Ah just learned that one song for Halloween for my Ma.” He stated and rubbed the back of his head. “Ah saw the Organ, saw the big creepy castle theme going on, and Ah couldn’t resist.”

“I never stop learning about you.” John muttered. “It annoys me.” He patted himself down for a moment. “Hey, where’s my phone? I coulda swore I had it before… Whatever the fuck that thing was slammed into me.”

“Oh ah took it.” Jed stated as he walked towards John, and pulled out the device. “AH thought you were dead and wanted to make sure ah had a back up phone incase mine ran out of juice.” John looked at him with a scowl.

“You thought I was dead so you took my phone?” He asked, surprised. “You know what you are? You’re a dick!” Jed put a hand on his chin a moment and thought for a moment. After a few minutes, he shrugged and handed him his Phone back.

“Yeah, kinda am.” Jed said with a light chuckle and walked out of the Organ room. “Come on, let’s see if we can’t find a high point to see where the hell we are. Bet it’s some LARPing group’s hang out.”

“Yeah…” John said, walking towards a spiral staircase. “Any idea what the fuck that was? I mean, I thought it fucking fried you!”

“No clue. Ah don’t even know what hit me. All ah know is one moment, ah am talking, the next ah am face first on this concret floor. Ah wandered around for about a half hour before ah found you.” Jed stated as they walked through the castle halls. They stopped when they found a huge spiral staircase. Considering their options, they went up to see if they couldn’t spot a local town or some where with other people.

Instead they found a large room with five orbs sitting upon pedestals. Jed glanced around the room, giving a low whistle as he walked further inside. They had noticed the structure’s deterioration when they were walking earlier, but now they had a full few of where they where and how bad of a condition it was in. A large castle, that may have once looked like a pinnacle of architectural design, now nothing more than crumbling ruins.

“Well this place looked like it got on the wrong end of a siege.” Jed muttered as he looked out the broken window. He looked up in the sky, seeing the moon still high in the air. “Huh... That’s odd. It feels like it should be morning now.”

“Yeah, weird.” John replied, he turned on his phone and took note of the time. “Says it’s supposed to be six, but the moon sets before that…” He trailed off when several voices echoed through the castle. “The fuck?”

“Well shit. Looks like we won’t hafta find our own way back!” Jed said with a smile as he went to the stairs to greet the people. He only spared a glance and a double take down the stairs before running away from the stairs and hiding behind the pillars. “Them’s ain’t people!”

“Wha…?” John muttered before taking cover behind a pillar. “Why are we hiding?”

“Talkin’ horses, coming up the stairs!” Jed hissed as he looked over at the stairs, hearing the footsteps getting closer and closer. John’s face lost all expression.

“WHAT!?”

“SHHHHHHH.” Jed hissed for a moment before pointing at the stairway entrance. John looked at the stairs, what he saw made his mouth hang open for a bit. His cigar threatened to slip from his jaw, but stayed in place.

“What is this? I don’t even…” He stammered, watching six small equines trot into the room. He heard them muttering to each other as they formed a line in front of the alter with all of the stone orbs. They continued to talk a while longer, their voices too quiet to hear properly. After a moment, they saw the purple unicorn lay in front of the stone orbs, her horn beginning to glow brightly. The other equines left the unicorn to do whatever she was planning leaving John and Jed in a awkward position.

“What the hell do we do now?” Jed whispered as he leaned back against the pillar. “We can’t leave cause those others are probably right at the bottom of the stairs, and we can’t just walk by the purple one without it noticing us!” John watched a purple vortex forming around the stones.

“No idea.” John whispered back, taking a reluctant final puff on his cigar before dropping it. “You got us into this, you think of something.”

“.... Alright... Follow my lead...” Jed stated as he got into a sprinting pose. They waited a while before a purple and blue mist swooped in while the purple unicorn’s eye were closed and took the balls of stone and began to create a rather odd looking tornado, startling and taking the attention of the Purple unicorn. “Now!” Jed hissed as he slipped out of his hiding spot and began to bolt towards the stairway entrance. “Thisisabadideathisisabadideathisisabadideathisisabadidea!”

“This was your plan!” Shouted John, following behind Jed. For a brief moment, Jed stopped in place and turned to John.

“Wait. You were serious about the planning?” John smacked into Jed and the two toppled into the vortex just as the unicorn made the leap.

“FUCK MY LIFE!” John shouted before everything went dark. Seconds later he found himself hurled to the floor of a completely different room. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” He growled as he rolled and slammed into a wall. Jed had been flung across the room, landing near a large set of windows. As Jed landed behind a pedestal, a large black winged Unicorn with an oddly ethereal mane landed on the pedestal, in its mane were the five orbs from the other room. Both of them were seemingly oblivious to the man who had landed behind the pedestal.

The unicorn and the black winged pony stared at John with raised eyebrows, then returned to their previous engagement. The black pony laughed loudly, causing the unicorn to gasp. Then she stood up and lowered her head, stomping at the floor with determination.

“You’re kidding… You’re kidding, right?” The black pony asked honestly, the unicorn didn’t back down. She started charging towards the pedestal with her horn aglow, the black pony began to charge at her in response. Both horns were leveled to kill the other, but as the two were about to collide there was a flash of light. The black pony stopped, confused, before the unicorn popped into existence on the pedestal.

“What the fuck…?” John thought out loud. The unicorn moaned and rubbed its head before its horn lit up again.

“Just one spark…” It said, lowering its horn to the orbs. “Come on, come on!” The orbs began to glow, and the black pony looked enraged. Its mane wrapped around itself and formed a vortex that brought it straight to the pedestal. As it appeared in a puff of smoke, a blast of electricity went through the orbs and sent the unicorn flying back with a yell.

“No! NO!” THe black pony yelled at the orbs, the unicorn gave a smug smile. John looked away, expecting explosion. He received none.

“B-But… Where’s the sixth element?!” The unicorn cried, John looked up as the black pony began to laugh. It lifted its forehooves and brought them down on the pedestal, shattering the five orbs. The unicorn looked absolutely devastated. At this moment, John saw Jed poke his head up from behind the pedestal, climbing his way onto it. His face had a look crossed between determination, ‘Holy fuck what am I doing?’, and ‘I will go down in history for this.’.

“Oh fuck…” John muttered. As if the world slowed down for a few moments, Jed crouched down and leaped his arms out stretched and a huge smile forming on his face. In an instant, he had landed onto the pony’s back, his right arm wrapped around her neck tightly, and one hand on her horn. He bent his head towards her ear and whispered loud enough for everyone in the room to hear.

“It’s raping time.” His voice low and full of malicious intent. The black pony’s face fell into complete horror as it looked into the face of Jed. The twisted look of enjoyment that greeted it was enough to make John cringe. “I’m going to enjoy this...”

“Jed. Get away from that animal!” John said, struggling to his feet.

“And no one will hear your screams.” Jed’s smile seemed to get a tad bit larger as those words left his lips, the pony beneath him looking more and more horrified. The pony ripped her gaze from Jed’s and began to buck , twist, and move sporadically in an attempt to get the crazed human off of her back.

“GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!” The pony screeched, thrashing about like a spastic child. “IT’S GOING TO VIOLATE ME!” John limped over to the unicorn, it stared at him in fear.

“Run! Run and don’t stop!” He shouted before sucombing to the pain in his leg and falling to the floor. The unicorn backed up, John extended his hand towards her. “Save yourself!”

The black pony was bucking wildly, thrashing about like a fish out of water. She ran and crashed into the pillars, smashing Jed into the wall of stone, hoping to weaken his grip. Jed’s grip only loosened slightly around her neck as he let her flail him about like a rag doll. As his arms and chest were repeatedly slammed into the pillars, he felt his bones beginning to snap. His maniacal smile began to slowly fade as time passed, the sound of hooves against stone becoming apparent.

When he felt his head slam into the wall, his grip loosened almost completely as he felt his vision fade in and out a moment. He felt the pony below him buck one more time, even harder than before, sending him over her head and into the wall behind the group of ponies. He felt his bones crunch and snap loudly as he slumped to the ground.

There was a brief moment before he raised his head and let out a very loud and very pain filled bellow of agony. He arched his back as his lungs emptied before slumping to the floor, nearly unconscious. In his wavering state of being awake and unconscious, he limply raised a hand and croaked out. “Totally... Worth.... It...”

John crawled towards the unconscious man, leaving the ponies to their own devices. He ignored what happened afterwards, even the giant rainbow death ray. Only focussed on one thing, checking to see if Jed was dead.

“What the fuck were you thinking man?” John asked, shaking his friend. “You know you can’t go full retard in places like this!” Another pony had arrived on the scene, making its way to John and Jed. As it stopped by John’s hands, he looked up. A polar opposite of the black pony. With a coat the purest of white, and a mane like sherbert swirl icecream, and a motherly gaze.

“Are you alright?” She asked, her tone warm and motherly. John stared at her for a moment, the wheels in his head came to a grinding hault. His right eye twitched. He let out a loud yell of fear and scooted away from the pony.

“OH FUCK! OH FUCK! IT’S REAL! IT’S ALL FUCKING REAL! JED’S DEAD! I’M HERE! HE ALMOST RAPED SOMETHING!” He paused. “AGAIN! AND NOW THEY’RE GOING TO DISSECT MEEEE!” He was almost crying now. “I DON’T WANNA BE DISSECTED!”

“John... Shut the fuck up.” Jed groaned out, his pained expression shifting towards John. “I am dying, and you are bitching... Not a good combo... Ugh...”

The ponies glanced at each other a moment, confused by the sudden outburst. The almost glowing white pony walked over to John and let her horn glow softly a moment before speaking, her tone gentle and kind. “Please rest, we will help you and your friend.”

“Stay away… from… Wh-What did you dooo?” John slurred. “You’re fuckin’... dead…” Seconds later he passed out, slumping forwards into the waiting hooves of the white pony.