Rogues Anonymous

by Nyronus

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Trixie, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Lightning Dust, Discord
Length: 3000

Twilight is asked to attend a villain support group. She has no idea why.

The Discord Association for the Reformation of Villains, Evil Doers, Rivals and Ne’er Do Wells is a support group founded by the God of Strife himself to help former criminals, monsters, enemies of Equestria, and general enemies of the peace reform and reintegrate into society. They haven't been around for long, but there are high hopes for the project.

Twilight Sparkle has been asked to attend, and she has no idea why.

Written for and Honorable Mentioned in the EFNW Fanfiction Contest

Edited and Preread by the Estimable SoloBrony, Pwnego, and The Wizard of Words.

(I wanted to add a Sad tag but apparently wistful or sad comedies are just not things that exist on Fimfiction, so be warned.)

Published 2014-03-03 10:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-03 10:00:01 UTC

Rogues Anonymous

“Hear ye, hear ye, may the 17th meeting of the Canterlot Chapter of the Discord Association for the Reformation of Villains, Evil Doers, Rivals and Ne’er Do Wells Commence!”

“Aye!” a small chorus echoed.

The room was a small gymnasium in Canterlot castle. In the center was a podium and a ring of plastic folding chairs. At the podium stood a Draconequus, gavel in talon, smiling down at the subjects in the chairs. There were two unicorn stallions with red bright hair, a blue on blue unicorn mare wearing a dashing purple cape, a changeling queen in literal irons, and jet black jagged hunk of crystal in whose depths purple, green, and red fire danced, and one very confused purple alicorn.

“Now,” Discord began, “our first order of business is greeting our newest member, Twili-”

“Actually,” Twilight interrupted. “I… I’m uh, just here to observe.”

Discord held for a moment, mouth open slightly and eyes locked on her.

Then he grinned.

“Very well. It is my honor to introduce our royal observer, Princess Twilight Sparkle!”

“Hello, Twilight.” A chorus of decidedly mixed enthusiasm replied.

“Now,” Discord went on. “It’s tradition for us to introduce our current members to new-”

“I know everypony here.”

“Yes, but it’s a-”

Twilight rolled her eyes.

“Flim,” She pointed to the first of the unicorn twins, “Flam.”

“Yep”

“Yep”

“Trixie”

“Greetings, Twilight Sparkle!”

“And,” Twilight said, skipping over the massive crystal. “...Chrysalis,” she ended, somewhat sourly.

“Queen.”

“Excuse me?”

“I am the recognized Sovereign of a foreign power. By the Diplomatic Code of Equestria, you are to refer to me as ‘Queen’ or ‘Your Majesty’ …Princess.”

“Of all the-”

“Twilight,” Discord interjected, “even if you are just observing I’ll request that you respect the other members’ wishes, and the by-laws you’re legally bound to, of course.”

Twilight sighed.

“Fine, Queen Chrysalis.”

“Better,” Chrysalis said, amused, “But, you missed one.”

“Missed one wha-?”

“Crysstals!”

“Ack!”

A sudden flutter of wings and Twilight was gone.

After a few moments, her head poked out from behind the chair.

“Did... did the giant quartz block speak?”

“Crystals!”

“Princess Twilight Sparkle,” Discord said, gesturing, “may I introduce you to King Sombra?”

“Uh,” Twilight said, staring. “...Hi?”

“Crystals!”

“Uh-huh. Sooooo...” Twilight crawled into her seat. “Uh, how have you been?”

“Crystals.” The stone replied amicably.

“That... so?”

“Crystals!”

“Uh... huh.”

“Crystals.”

Twilight didn’t have much else to say. Discord waited for a moment and then grinned.

“Very well, let the meeting proper, begin!”

And with a bang of a gavel began a very long stretch of Twilight’s life.

Twilight’s sigh heralded her entrance into Celestia’s chambers. The older alicorn paused her work as her faithful student flopped onto a cushion with another sigh and all the grace of a discarded toy.

“How was it?” Celestia asked. “Learn anything?”

“Flim and Flam are both compulsive shysters. Chrysalis is intensely passive aggressive. Sombra has a deep love of cats. Discord is intensely creepy when he’s being nice.” Twilight paused and sighed. “Trixie was nice though.”

Hidden from Twilight’s view, Celestia gave a sad smile.

“That, at least, is good to hear.” She said. “She was the only one to enroll voluntarily, you know?”

“Really?” Twilight said. She shifted slightly, thinking for a while. “Well, I’m glad to see Discord is doing some good. Hopefully this project of his works out for the best. I’m glad I got a look at it.”

“Actually, Twilight,” Celestia began, “I’d like you to keep attending.”

“Excuse me?”

Three meetings.

“-and that-” Trixie concluded, hiding beneath her hat, “-is why Trixie no longer trusts wheels.”

“Crystaalssss.” Sombra hissed, sympathetically.

Chrysalis made a noise. A... snort?

“It was very brave to tell us that Trixie.” Discord got up and walked over to pat her on the back. “I’m glad you could share it with us. Now,” he looked up and smiled, “Twilight, how about you share your greatest fear?

“Uh...” she began, caught off guard. “Losing my friends, I guess.”

Chrysalis made the noise again. A... snarl? Whatever it was, it triggered a tiny spike of ire in Twilight.

Discord eyed her. Then, suddenly he turned to Flim and Flam.

“What about you Flim?”

“The light!”

“The light?”

“Uh-” Flam kicked him in the shin. “I meant... the dark.”

“The dark?”

“Yeah!”

“Flam?”

“Me too.”

“The light?”

“No, the dark!”

“That’s odd, because last meeting you said Nightmare Night was your favorite holiday.”

“Oh-”

“-It’s-uh-”

“-A condition.”

“A condition?”

“Yeah, we find-”

“-Monsters!”

“Monsters?!”

“Yeah, monsters, right?” Flam realized everyone was staring. He turned to his brother. “What do we find monsters?”

“...Comforting.”

...

“Oh.”

Flam’s eyes darted around the room. The silence hung.

“I meant candy.”

Chrysalis made that noise. Twilight finally realized what it was.

She was snickering.

Meeting six.

“Now, I decided to shake things up.” Discord said. “We could try bonding over some friendly competition. Sombra and I have discussed it, and I asked him to pick out a board game for us to play. Sombra?”

“Crystals!”

A cardboard box, glowing red, levitated out from under the table they were seated at. Emblazoned in bold red letters was the word RISK.

Discord looked at the box, and then at the dark crystal.

“As your counselor I find this choice to be less than appropriate.”

“Crystals!”

“-and then Sombra flipped the table.”

“He always did have anger issues.” Celestia chuckled.

“Shame,” Twilight said. “Chrysalis and I were cleaning house before he lost it. Flim and Flam were putting up a bit of a fight though.”

“Seems like you had fun.”

“Yeah,” She paused. “Still feels odd. Playing games with, you know... all of them.”

Celestia’s smile fell slightly.

“Well, hopefully the rest of your nights are as entertaining.”

“Yeah... I guess.”

Meeting nine.

Discord lifted Chrysalis’s cage onto the platform. He turned to her, panting.

“Ready?”

Chrysalis, bound head to hoof in cold iron chains, simple stared at him, utterly deadpan.

Discord simply continued to smile back.

“Discord, I don’t think this is such a good idea.”

“Nonsense Twilight. You’ll all catch her. Same as the rest!”

“But Discord-”

“Ready?” He asked again.

Chrysalis sighed and looked away.

“Yes.”

“The cage-”

“Ali-!” Discord grabbed the cage and gave a full body swing back. Chrysalis gave a resigned sigh. “-oop!”

“-is cold-”

Chrysalis sailed through the air and a cloud of multicolored magic appeared in the air to catch her-

-and the cage sailed through uncaught. A deafening crash followed.

“...iron.”

“Chrysalis!” Trixie leapt into the cloud of dust. “Chrysalis! Are you alright?”

Chrysalis stared up into the ceiling lights, unblinking.

“...Chrysalis? Are you okay?”

“I,” she began, monotone, “am imprisoned away from my people, forced into humiliating bargains, and weekly I am wheeled to a mad house ‘therapy’ group in a cage like a rabid dog and forced to perform demeaning tricks in order to ‘better’ myself.”

Chrysalis looked at Trixie. Trixie’s lips were quivering.

Chrysalis sighed and looked away.

“Yes, Trixie, I’m fine.”

“Hurrah! The Great and Concerned Trixie was overwhelmed with worry!” and with that, Trixie tried to glomp Chrysalis’s cage.

“Yeah... Th-thanks, Trixie.”

Meeting ten.

Twilight felt a leftward jerk and shifted her course left. A jerk right and she complied. She came to stop suddenly and the hoof holding her own let go. After a moment the blindfold lifted and Twilight blinked at the sudden light.

She looked behind her seeing the obstacle course. Cleared without a single misstep. She turned to her guide and grinned.

“We did it!”

“Was there ever any doubt?” Trixie smirked. Twilight whooped and hugged her as the room broke into applause.

“Very good Trixie, Twilight.” Discord said, stepping forward. “Now, Twilight, it’s your turn to pull the next pony through the...” Discord fell silent.

A hunk of obsidian and a bound and chained Changeling Queen stared back at him.

“Hmm.” Discord rubbed his chin. “This may be problematic.”

“Crystalssss...” Sombra sighed.

“Crystals...” Sombra began, quietly.

“Crystals...” Suddenly red and green light flared in his black, glassy depths. “CRYSTALS!”

“CrrrrrySTALS!” A pair of glowing tiny cymbals floated in the air, clicking syncopathic. “Crystals. Crystalllls. Crystals? Crystals!”

The cymbals clicked faster.

“Crystals!”

They began spinning around the stone, clicking louder and louder and louder.

“Crystals!”

The clacking reached a fevered pitch.

“CRYSTALS!”

The clicking suddenly stopped. The light faded, and several soft, slow, clicks brought the piece to a close.

“Crystals.” Sombra intoned, somewhat mournful.

Everyone except Twilight broke into applause. The beret that had been angled stylishly on Sombra suddenly glowed red, and then did a twirl, taking a bow. The cheering doubled.

Twilight looked around, shocked. She turned and looked back at Chrysalis and her jaw dropped. Chrysalis was grinning, and nodding her head.

“Yeah.” She said, nodding to herself. “Yeah!”

Twilight stared for a moment longer, shrugged, grinned, and joined in the applause.

“Crystals?”

“Yes, Trixie agrees with Sombra.” The unicorn turned to Flim and Flam. “Why do you two lie so often?”

The two unicorns seized up and locked eyes. What had been a lax meeting came to a standstill. After a long moment, they eased up and turned away from each other, with matching sheepish expressions.

“It’s... not like we like to lie.” Flim began.

“It’s just that, telling the truth, it’s-” Flam continued.

“-Kind of-”

“-really-”

“-you have to understand-”

“-we shouldn’t make excuses-”

“-but it’s just that-”

“-the truth-”

“-it’s-”

“-scary.” they finished as one.

The silence stretched. The stallions looked at each other, and then away, matching hurt looks on their faces.
The room exploded into applause and cheers.

“Trixie is so proud of you two!”

“So’s Twilight-I mean-whatever!”

One side of the circle devolved into a unicorn/alicorn hug pile.

Chrysalis quirked an eyebrow and glanced at the chunk of black gemstone to her right.

“Are you... crying?”

“Crystals!” the stone hotly denied.

“Just like that.”

Celestia smiled.

“I see.”

“And Sombra really was crying. Chrysalis told me so.”

Celestia laughed.

“I see!”

“It’s just... fascinating.” Twilight said, smiling.

“Oh?”

“I never thought of what they would be like outside of all the schemes and adventures and fighting.”

“It is really enlightening to see what a pony is like when they’re at ease and happy.”

“Yeah, I’m glad I observed this. It really was educational, seeing that all these, well, villains, were normal deep down.” She paused. “Makes me wonder why they all, well, did what they did.”

Celestia’s face was even, but after a moment, she smiled.

“Yes, hopefully it will continue to be as enlightening.”

“Yeah. I’m glad I’ve gone.”

Twilight sighed and laid back, closing her eyes, missing the look of light worry on Celestia’s face.

Four months of meetings had changed things. What had started as a therapy for an awkward collection of shysters, charlatans, tyrants, and terrorists had turned into a weekly meeting between friends. An excuse to talk, and play.

So, when the teal pegasus appeared, no one suspected what would follow.

“Ah,” Discord said, looking up from the lectern, “You’re late.”

“Yeah, whatever.” The pegasus replied. Discord frowned, and then shrugged.

“Group,” he said, calling order with the gavel. “We have a new member.” He gestured with his paw. “Everypony, meet Lightning Dust.”

“Hello”

“Hey”

“Greetings”

Chrysalis snorted.

“Crystals!”

Twilight frowned.

Lightning Dust flinched back from the oddball assortment in front of her.

“Lightning Dust, I’d like you to meet the rest of the group.”

The rest of the group introduced themselves one by one, until it reached Twilight.

“We’ve met.” She commented, flatly. Lightning Dust flinched.

The gym was silent.

“Really?” Discord said, lowering his glasses. “Would you like to share, Twilight?”

“Not really,” Twilight groused.

“It seems to be bothering you” Discord said.

“Oh it’s nothing,” Twilight said, feigning nonchalance. “Miss Hot Shot here just nearly got me and half of my friends killed.”

Lightning Dust flinched.

“Hey, I didn’t think-”

“Of course you didn’t think!” Twilight snapped. She then threw her head back groaned.

Flim and Flam looked at each other.

Twilight shook her head and went on.

“Look, I paid my price, okay?”

“Oh, really?” Twilight rolled her eyes and muttered. “You're lucky all you got was kicked off some flying team.”

“You watch your mouth!” Lightning snarled and tensed up.

“Or what?” Twilight said. “What makes you think you can just go strutting around, hurting other ponies? Huh?”

“I-I just...” Lightning Dust was fighting back tears and violence.

“Cryyystals...” Sombra muttered, worried.

“Just what, huh?”

“My dad you stupid-!” Lightning choked on whatever she was going to call Twilight. She held for a tense moment and then fell sobbing. “You-you stupid-My dad. He died and I told him I would-and now I never-my dad you stupid-” and then she began bawling in earnest.

Trixie was on her in an instant.

“Shh, shh. It will be alright. Listen to Trixie.” She cradled Lighting in her forehooves. “We all make mistakes.”

“I...” Twilight started, staring agape at Lightning. She looked at the rest of the group.

“I...” she repeated, pleading.

“Ah, history repeats.”

Twilight turned shaking to Chrysalis.

“W-what?”

Chrysalis snorted.

“Everyone who attends these meetings has a sin, Twilight Sparkle. We aren’t told it. Most of us know, but those in the dark are expected to figure it out.” She sneered and raised a brow. “Looks like we know yours.”

“I... I... What do you... I...” Twilight looked at the group around her, the other eyes turning away. “I... I... didn’t mean.”

“Of course you didn’t.” Discord said. “You didn’t consider Lightning’s perspective on all of this,” he smirked, “after all, you just didn’t think.”

“But she-”

“She what Twilight?” Discord said, sneering. “She had no idea that your balloon would show up? She was just concerned with making a good impression?”

“She nearly-”

“And who are you to decide to chew her out in front of everyone?”

A memory came to mind.

“Who are you to shame her, particularly since as a group member she looks to you for support?”

A plan.

“Do you have any idea where she was coming from, or how she felt?”

They hadn’t meant anything by it. They just wanted to teach her-

“And what exactly makes you think this would be the best way to help her anyway?”

-a lesson.

“I” Twilight said suddenly, cutting Discord off, “I-I have to g-go. I-I’m-I…” She looked at everyone, tears welling in her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

And then Twilight fled, the sound of her sobs echoing behind her.

Trixie slowly turned and looked at Flim. Flim stared back, and nodded. Trixie nodded and then looked at Chrysalis. A chain of glances and nods followed. The group sprung into motion and within a minute the gym was empty save for Discord.

Discord surveyed the empty gym for a moment.

“Well, looks like my work here is done.”

And with a snap and a flash, he was gone.

Celestia ran her hoof through Twilight’s hair. She had stopped crying some time ago.

“I...” she began again.

“Shh,” Celestia said. “It’s alright.”

“No,” Twilight said, “it isn’t.”

“Shhhh,” Celestia cooed again.

“Twilight!”

And with that the strangest procession Celestia ever saw entered her coffee room.

“W-what...?” Twilight began.

“Twilight, look-” Flim began.

“-what we want to say is-” Flam continued

“-everypony-”

“-and we mean EVERYPONY-”

“-makes mistakes!”

Twilight stared, dumbfounded.

“Trixie agrees with them.” She said, marching up to Twilight. “Just because you made a mistake doesn’t make you bad. The Great and Humble Trixie has floundered many times, but you’ve been there for her. And now she gets to return the favor!” And with that, Trixie pulled Twilight, and Celestia, into a hug. Flim and Flam joined. Twilight, lost, looked at Celestia. Celestia smiled down at her, and spoke.

“We are born with naught but our wills and what the world gives us. With so little, mistakes will be made,” she began. “We can learn though, and move past those mistakes stronger and wiser than before.”

“It’s not much.” She admitted, quirking her smile. “But, it is enough.”

Celestia tightened her hug and nuzzled Twilight.

“We meet others.” Celestia smiled. “and we grow.”

“Friends.” Twilight said, surrounded.

“Yes.”

Twilight let out a laugh and sob, and hugged all those around her tighter.

After a long while the pile of hooves untangled and Twilight looked up at Celestia. She then noticed the chained changeling parked by the entrance way, and looked at Chrysalis questioningly.

“I think you’re a wretched twit Twilight Sparkle.” Chrysalis shrugged.

Silence. Chrysalis grinned.

“But, I think you’ll be a fine rival some day.”

“Crystals!” Sombra said, supportively. Of who, no one was sure.

Twilight laughed.

“I guess that will have to do.” She then looked at Lightning Dust. “I owe you an apology don’t I?”

“Hey, its… I get it” She replied.

“Still, I want to make one, so... sorry?”

“Heh, okay.”

“Which leaves one more, I think,” Celestia interjected, “to apologize to.”

“Yeah,” Twilight said rising. A blue hoof clasped her shoulder.

“Don’t worry Twilight Sparkle. We shall accompany you.

Twilight looked around. A sea of nods met her. She smiled.

“Okay.”

“Rainbow?”

The pegasus turned to her and smiled.

“Oh, hey Twilight!”

“Hey, listen, I need to-”

Rainbow looked over Twilight’s shoulder and a look of confusion came over her face.

“Is that... Lightning Dust and Trixie playing Frisbee?”

“Yeah, about that, it’s a long story-”

“And is that-” Rainbow squinted, “-Flim and Flam carting Chrysalis around in a cage!?”

“Yeah, listen-”

“And where did that rock come from?”

“Rainbow!”

Rainbow snapped back to attention.

“Huh, what?”

Twilight sighed.

“I need to say something to you.”

Rainbow grinned. It was a grin Twilight was used to. Wide, confident, warm, and trusting. A grin that said Rainbow Dash would always be there.

It hurt to see.

“Sure Egghead, what’s up?”

Twilight bit her lip. She couldn’t face this. She couldn’t hope to fix this. It was beyond her.

But she had to.

Twilight opened her mouth to speak.