Okay so like where do i start?
Oh yeah i remember! So it's a dark and stormy night and...wait no that's not right it wasn't dark and stormy, it was kinda cloudy outside but i wouldn't say stormy. To be honest I don't know what you can define as stormy. Does there have to be lightning or thunder for it to be stormy? aren't lightning and thunder the same thing? I don't remember, because I never really listened to my science teachers in high school. come to think of it I'm not even sure how I even made it out of high school...
Anyways what was I telling you all this for?
Oh yeah! I was trying to remember if it was dark and stormy night on the fanfic I'm writing. Okay so it wasn't stormy but it was dark because it's dark in the nighttime so that makes sense right? Anyways.
There was this Green Unicorn pony named Lyra okay, I guess you could call her green but maybe more of a Turquoise, and her Lesbian friend Bon-bon, A creme colored I guess earth pony. I made them Lesbians cause this how fanfic works. Can't have two female ponies in the story without having some Lesbians, and people will harass me if I don't include some kind of shipping in here, and they'll rage and be like "OMG Y U NO LESPONIES RANT RANT RANT!" So I will make them Lesbians.
So Lyra and Bon-bon were sitting in their living room in their House watching The View.
But then Lyra was like
"Hey baby let's do it."
And Bon-bon was like "Sure man, lemme just stretch first." and it's like super awesome to Lyra when Bon-bon stretches, because it turns her on and you can tell because her Horn gets really Hard, more hard than it already is. An erect horn, if you will.
So Lyra was waiting in anticipation to see the foreplay when somepony knocked on the door really loud. They decided to ignore it and Lyra motioned with her hoof for Bon-bon to start stretching, but then the knocking got even louder, so Lyra got all pissed off and got up to go answer the door.
"Just wait right there sweet-cheeks and I'll see who it is," and she went to go answer the door.
When she answered the door, That purple dragon guy with the green spikes, Uh, whats his name? Spot.Speck.Spike? YEAH! That's it! That dragon kid Spike was the one knocking at the door and Lyra answered it and she glared down at Spike and she was like,
"The buck are you doing banging on my damn door this late, you little shit?"
And Spike was like, "Oh, Hi! Umm...Lyra right? yeah I think that is what they call you. Anyways I came over cause I need to talk to someone about my problems."
Lyra got all confused and said "Why the hay are you coming to my house for then?! You live with that one pony, Twilight Speckle or whatever. Isn't she like your Mom or something? Why don't you go talk to her, Instead of knocking at Us background ponies doors at 3:00 A.M.!"
Then Spike replied really sarcastically, "Umm, It's Sparkle."
And Lyra got even more upset and raised her tone. "No, It's not sparkle! It's 3:00 A.M.! Now go away! Go ask your other Main character friends!"
But Spike was very persistent in having someone listen to him complain about his day and pleaded,
"Please no Miss. Lyra! I have no one else to pester! I went home to Twilight but she said If she had to listen to another word I had to say, she was gonna Rip my vocal chords out and tie them around my mouth! I can't go to Pinkie Pie cause She'll just start going on about stupid random crap or burst into song I don't wanna hear instead of listening to me rant about my day I'm trying to tell her! Applejack said that She'd rather help Big Mac with Bathroom Duty with Granny Smith instead of listen to my Sorry-ass excuse of a day. I can't tell Rainbow Dash cause I can't fly to Cloudsdale, Fluttershy's House smells like bunny poop, and It makes me gag just being there, and I can't tell Rarity either!"
Lyra got even more angry and then said,
"Look kid, I don't give a shit about your day, I don't know how to be anymore clear with you. I'm trying to get laid here, something you'll probably never experience, and you're killing the mood, so kindly get the buck out of my doorstep."
But just as she was gonna slam the door on Spike's face, Bon-bon intruded into the conversation.
"Lyra! what are you doing?! Can't you see the little guy is upset? If you want in on this flank, We can at least give him Ten Minutes to listen to his day. Don't be so insensitive! Come on in Spike," said Bon-bon, motioning for Spike to enter the house.
After he walked in Lyra slammed the door, with a very pissed off expression on her face.
"And to think I could've been Horn-deep right now."
Meanwhile, At Twilight's library.
"Aaah," Twilight screamed as she awoke so sudden.
"Oh my gosh what a horrible dream! I dreamt that somepony wrote a Fictional story about me. But I was a lesbian. WITH PRINCESS CELESTIA!" Twilight said to herself.
"Thank goodness it was just a dream. Nopony can be that sick and perverted to conjure up thoughts of sexual relations between my friends and I, right spike?", Twilight said looking towards Spike's bed on the ground, but something was missing. There was no Spike to answer her! She pondered what could've happened, but then she remembered what had happened.
"Oh, that's right, I threw him out of the house cause he was going on and on about his day. Guess I should go looking for him even though It's only been about an hour since I kicked him out. Eh, He'll be fine, I'm sure he can fend off all the Rapists and Creeps who wander the streets of Ponyville past midnight by himself. I'm going back to bed."
Back at Lyra and Bon-bon's House. Spike is now in their living room Blabbing about how his day was so horrible, but so far has said nothing of No importance to this story.
"Yeah, so then Mrs. Cake was all like "You're gonna clean that up!", And I was like "Their your Pies, I just threw them up on your floor, you clean them up! And then Mr. Cake threw me out cause I was bathing in the punch bowl, And-"
Lyra rubbing her temple with her hoof in annoyance, interrupted loudly, startling Spike and Bon-bon
"What in the hay does this have to do with anything to do about how you had a bad day?! No wonder your friends didn't wanna listen to you! even I would wanna help Granny Smith take a shit than listen to this!"
Spike got very sad and tears welled in his eyes.
"Lyra, stop being a jerk. You're making him cry," Bon-bon said.
Spiked wiped his teary eyes and continued, "No, No, It's okay. Miss. Lyra is just tired I guess."
"You're damn right I'm tired! Tired of not having hot lesbian sex right now! Now hurry up and get to the horrible part before I smash your face into jelly," Lyra shouted angrily, clearly displaying her sexual depravity in a violent manner.
"Alright, Alright. I'll skip some of the less important stuff. So after I got thrown out of Sugarcube Corner, I skipped around Ponyville for about three hours, Cheerfully greeting everypony I came across, but most of the time they ignored me or didn't respond, probably since this fanfiction's author didn't give them any speaking lines to say to me. At about 4:00 P.M, I made it to Rarity's Boutique and proceeded to enter. There was Rarity in all her marshmallowish glory sewing together some dress for somepony, and I decided to try to hit on her today, as I do everyday, ya'kno, part of my daily routine, so yeah this is how it went. I'll have to re-enact it imitating Rarity's voice to add feel to my story. since she isn't here to tell you, so go easy on me. Ahem."
"Hey there Rarity, what are ya up to?"
"Oh, Afternoon Spike, what brings you to my boutique darling?"
"I came cause I wanted some clunge- I mean...Twilight needs some thread for a book cover she's making and told me to ask you. That makes sense right?"
"Hmm...Clunge.Thread.Book cover. Hey Rarity!!? Wait. It's 4:00 P.M? Time for your daily routine of trying to hit on me isn't it?"
"Yeah, you get the idea."
"Alright, fine, let's just get this over with. What bad pickup line are you gonna use this time?"
"Ahem. Hey Rarity there's a party in my pants and you're invited!"
"But... you're not wearing pants Spike, I don't think anyone wears pants in this show."
"Yeah you have a point. But did it work? Am I in?"
"No...Now if you're through harassing me, why don't you go do it to somepony else, like Sweetie Belle or something?"
"And then that's how I got a great idea on how to improve my day after getting turned down by Rarity for the Hundredth time, So I went upstairs to try my moves on Sweetie Belle," Spike exclaimed, continuing his story, before being interrupted by Lyra.
Lyra had become even more agitated, "Un-bucking-believeable, Clearly the story of the century! It's so much better than any amount of Lesbian sex I can be indulging in right now!"
"Really?" asked Spike
"NO! For Celestia's sake, will you please just wrap it up already? I'm gonna lose it if I have to listen to this any further!" Lyra shouted angrily.
"Please go on Spike, I'm anxious to hear the rest." Bon-bon said optimistically.
"Okay, so I went upstairs to Sweetie Belle's room and she was laying on her bed doing nothing that is of any importance, So I went and said hello to her, and she said "Hi." back and I proceeded to use one of my world-famous pickup lines on her but then she slapped me and threw me out the window, But I think she just plays Hard-to-get like her sister, so I dusted myself off and said "I'll be back tomorrow!", But then Rarity shouted from the door That If I ever come here to harass the two of them again, that she was gonna call the police, So then I got really sad and starting mooping around town crying loudly so ponies would pay attention to me, you know all that Self-loathing and Sulking drama. I did that for a good Six Hours or so, but then it was nearing Midnight and that's when all the creeps and rapists come out and roam the streets, So then I went home to Twilight, and started pestering her about my horrible day for about four hours, then she threw me out and I wandered around asking my other friends if they would like to listen to me for about an hour, and then I ended up here. Pretty pathetic right?"
"Ummm, Spike. If you do this on a daily routine, how come this day was any worse than the usual rejection by Rarity," Bon-bon questioned to the purple dragon.
"It was bad today, because it was the first time I tried to hit on Sweetie Belle, and got rejected! You can't imagine the shame of being rejected by your love and her little sister! I mean come on, everyone knows the little sister is always easier," Spike explained.
"Wait. Is it over? Are you done with your stupid story," Lyra asked.
"Yeah I think so Lyra. That sounded like a terrible day you had Spike I wish we coul-" Bon-bon said before Lyra intruded.
"Yes! Well! Thanks for coming, really! But like I told you earlier, I'm trying to get laid and you're being a buzz-kill. Thanks again for sharing your shitty little story with us, But you should really be getting home, Your mom must be getting very worried!"
"But Twilight isn't my-" Spike tried to protest.
"Nope, nope, No excuses, go on home now and don't come back here," Lyra continued.
But just as Lyra was an inch from throwing Spike out the door, Spike loudly announced.
"But I have to use the bathroom!"
Bon-bon surprised by the declaration, answered Spike, "Well, feel free to use ours before you go Spike, wouldn't want you having an accident while walking home."
"Well thanks Miss. Bon-bon" Spike said while on his way to the bathroom, that he automatically knew where it was located, for some unknown reason.
While in there, he contemplated his day, while sitting on the toilet dropping off the lumber. He thought about Rarity, and how nice she smelled, and how her mane was so well groomed, her awesome figure, and the sparkle in her eyes when she looks at him with a look of disgust and pity. He loved all of that. He thought about How Sweetie Belle reminded him so much of Rarity, and how smoking hot he thinks both of them are, and fantasized the sexual escapades the three of them can engage in together.
But it was then, that the accident happened! During his fantasizing, Spike lost his balance on the seat and slipped into the Toilet bowl, fracturing his Ass-bone! The horror! The humanity! How mortified he was, to be the victim of such an ordeal, in somepony elses home at that!
After a good Twenty Minutes or so, Bon-bon began to worry if Spike was alright in the bathroom, and she went to go knock to see for herself.
"Spike dear, are you okay in there?"
Spike was embarrassed that such a thing happened to him and he tried to reassure his host that everything was okay.
"Uh, yeah! I'm Fine! Just finishing up, don't worry!" Flushing the toilet to reassure his host.
But Lyra also came and banged on the restroom door.
"Hurry up and get out! Better not use all of the toilet paper either!" she shouted.
Spike couldn't hide it any longer, he only managed to clean himself off from getting covered in his own fecal matter when he plummeted into the toilet, but there was no way he could walk home now with a broken ass-bone.
Lyra pounded the locked door open to see Spike lying on the floor writhing in pain. Her and Bon-bon gasped.
"What the buck happened here?! why are you laying on the floor, and why is there shit water splashed around the toilet!?"
Spike nervously answered the angry green unicorn.
"I, uh, had a little accident. I kinda had a sexual fantasy about Rarity and her sister, lost my balance and slipped into the toilet and broke my ass-bone, makes sense right?"
Lyra could only twitch an eye in frustration and didn't respond, But Bon-bon could find a response.
"Oh you poor thing. don't worry though, we'll take care of you until tomorrow morning, then we'll walk you to Twilight's house. Here. get on my back and I'll set you in the guest room." Said Bon-bon, Spike struggling to climb on her back but managed to eventually.
Lyra snapped out of her senseless eye twitch to ask a very important question.
"Wait a minute! Who's gonna clean this up?!
Bon-bon replied agitated. "Ugh, Lyra, I'm taking Spike to the guest room to get him comfortable, The mop and bucket is in the closet, you already know what to do."
"Yeah, Miss. Lyra, It's your toilet, I just splashed my poo water all over it, you clean it up," Spike said agreeing with Bon-bon.
Lyra was aware what this meant. Once more she was left to clean the smelly fecal aftermath. She eye-twitched once more in frustration and proceeded to go get the mop and bucket, I guess it can be agreed that She was not getting any tonight.
Bon-bon had just finished setting up Spike in the guest room bed and it was obvious he was very pleased by the accommodations.
"There you are, nice and cozy, now you just rest up til morning and Lyra and I will take you home."
"Wow, thanks a lot Miss. Bon-bon, I wish Miss. Lyra was as nice as you." Spike said
"Oh Spike, she is nice. just a little tired I guess, but I'm sure there's some way to show you she can be nice. hmm...Oh I know!"
Bon-bon pulled out a small bell from the drawer near the bed and gave it to Spike.
"There! Now whenever you need something, Just ring this bell and Lyra or I will come to help you, Ok?"
"Good idea, Miss. Bon-bon, I won't be too much of a burden, I promise!" Spike said grinning.
"It's really No trouble Spike, I'm sure Lyra wouldn't mind at all!"
Meanwhile...At the Restroom, We see Lyra muttering in anger to herself while finishing cleaning up the last puddle of shit water.
"Figghr Mugga, gagga fragga. Stupid dragon kid. Stupid Fanfic author. Stupid poo water. Princess Celestia has a clean throne. Princess Luna has a clean throne. But Noooooo, Not my throne. My beautiful Porcelain Throne...SOILED! Ugh! Of all nights that this has to happen, it happens tonight, and more importantly. It happens to ME!"
Bon-bon came to Lyra to see if she had finished cleaning up, but more importantly to tell what she had done to further fuel Lyra's anger, which has previously been established.
"Oh good Lyra, you're all done cleaning up," The creme colored mare said optimistically.
"Yeah, and hopefully, Spike will keep quiet the rest of the night," Lyra replied.
"Well, about that...I sorta have something to tell you. Since Spike will have trouble moving on his own, I gave him a bell so if he needs something he can ring it to call us, that way he won't have to get up out of bed if he needs something," Bon-bon said nervously, with a soft fake chuckle.
"Why would you do that for?! If I have to listen to the little prick go on any longer I'm gonna strangle him!" Lyra said angrily.
"Lyra stop being such a jerk to our guests, honestly it's only one night," Bon-bon said.
"Ugh! fine! But you owe me big time when this is over. And that means Anal," The turquoise mare declared.
"Fine, Lyra, but you need to listen to whatever Spike needs! No matter how dumb it may seem to you, I'm sure he has a good reason for it," Bon-bon said.
Ring, Ring, Ring! The bell set off by Spike. Lyra and Bon-bon then went to the guest room to see what Spike wanted.
"Oh Miss. Lyra! Can you please bring me a glass of water?" Spike requested.
"I can bring you a can of whoop-" before being interrupted by Bon-Bon.
"She'd be delighted to Spike!" glaring at Lyra.
Lyra disgruntled and frustrated, falsely stated, "Yes, I'd be happy to Spike."
"Oh and an Apple if you have any please, thanks!" Adding onto his request.
Lyra went to the kitchen and fetched the water and the apple, and brought them back to Spike's room.
"Here's your stupid water and your stupid apple."
"Oh, on second thought, I don't want the apple. Can you take it back?" Said Spike.
Lyra gritted her teeth in fury and shouted, "How bout YOU take this Apple, and shove it up your-" But Bon-bon heard and started before Lyra could finish
"Ahem! Lyra..." She said to Lyra, obviously making it clear what she meant. Lyra took the apple from Spike and put it back in the kitchen. Bon-bon came a few seconds afterwards.
"There you see? That isn't so hard is it? And in the morning He'll be on his way home."
Ring, Ring, Ring! Once again the bell rang from Spike's guest room, as you probably would have already guessed was bound to happen, and of course Lyra went to see what it was the Spike wanted.
"Oh Miss. Lyra! Can you make me a Sapphire Sub Sandwich like my mother always made?" Spike requested.
"How the buck am I supposed to know how your mom makes your sandwich? More Importantly, how do you know!? Your mom was never even in this show!" Lyra said.
"I don't know Lyra, I'm not the one writing the script here, that's the Author's job. Now please make that sandwich, I'm dieing of Hunger."
Lyra then went to the kitchen to make Spike his Sapphire Sub Sandwich, using all the Sapphire in her refrigerator, though I'm not exactly sure why she had sapphires in there to begin with, but It will accomplish Virtually nothing trying to figure that out, so I'll just proceed with the story. Anyways, Lyra finished making the sandwich and brought it to Spike.
"Whoa! This looks delicious, thanks alot Miss. Lyra!" Spike said happily.
"Yeah, whatever, Now go to sleep and leave me alone!" Lyra said, walking back to the kitchen.
Back at the kitchen Lyra, was hoping that would be the last of Spike's stupid bell and his stupid requests, But no! It was far from it my friends! Ring, Ring, Ring! Once more, the bell tolled for Lyra to come wait on Spike.
"What in the hay could you possibly need this time?" Lyra said agitated.
"I just want some more water. That isn't too much to ask is it Miss. Lyra? Miss. Bon-bon said you were a nice pony. She didn't lie did she?" Spike said innocently.
After Lyra had gone to get Spike some more water and came back to the kitchen, she had about a few good seconds to think.
"Okay, I can keep this up for...A few more hours...Just have to-"
"OHHHH, MISS. LYRAAAA!" Spike shouted across the house loudly ringing his bell.
Lyra came to see what he wanted, "What now?"
"Can you give me the TV Guide, I wanna know what channel The Hub is. They're showing an all-night Pound Puppies Marathon and I don't wanna miss it."
Lyra irritatingly levitated the guide from the counter to Spike, "There, anything else you need?!" she said sarcastically.
"Hmmm....Nah. That'll be fine."
Just as Lyra managed to set hoof in the living room, off went the dreaded bell noise followed by
"OHHH MISS. LYRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
What then ensued was a Montage of Lyra running back and forth from the guest room to Celestia knows where Retrieving each of Spike's requested item's and bringing them to him. It ranged from the stupidest shit you can possibly imagine, To a picture of Rarity sleeping, to a strand of Sweetie Belle's hair. To a bowl of Rubies for a snack, then what eventually progressed to a Bicycle, which makes virtually no sense at all. I mean do they even have Bicycles in Equestria? Why would ponies even need them? Can they even ride them? I don't know, I'm not a pony expert, but I was also didn't wanna do this in detail anymore so I turned it into a montage.
Eventually Lyra was exhausted after that montage bit, and sat at the chair in the living room, with a blank expression on her face, clearly ready to snap at any moment, Which probably would have happened if the familiar noise hadn't interrupted her descent into madness.
Ring, Ring, Ring! "OH, MISS. LYRA!"
It was a noise Lyra became far too familiar with. That purple little monster is gonna order her around like a servant again, but what choice did she have? She entered that demon's lair to listen to his next retarded requests. There she approached and asked.
"What is it now Spike?" She said with a exhausted tone.
"I'm so hungry After that Sapphire Sub, and bossing you around making you bring me stupid shit. Can you make me some, hmmm.....Chocolate Pudding?" Spike requested once more.
"But...It take's alot of effort to make that..." Lyra said.
"Oh, but I'm sooo hungry... You wouldn't wanna let down Miss. Bon-bon now would you?" Spike said sarcastically, knowing Lyra wouldn't refuse his request.
Meanwhile...Several minutes later at the kitchen. Bon-bon enters the kitchen but stops at the doorway, seeing Lyra cooking something on the Stove. She is curious what it is she can possibly be making this late at night.
"Lyra, What are you doing?"
"Making chocolate pudding..."
"It's 4 'o clock in the morning, why in Equestria are you making chocolate pudding?"
"Because I lost control of my sex life..."
Bon-bon began to worry about Lyra's mental state at this point, and decided to tag along when she started taking the pudding to Spike. Spike was leisurely lying on the bed watching "Pound Puppies" on The Hub at a very high volume to further but subtly push Lyra even further. Lyra approached him with the pudding.
"Here's your pudding, Spike..." Lyra said in a broken tone.
"Oh that's okay, Miss. Lyra, I don't like pudding anyway." Spike said happily.
It was the last straw...Lyra stared off into the distance for what seemed about a good hour or so, but was only around three seconds. She had snapped! She screamed at the top of her lungs.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Startling Bon-bon and Spike.
She lunged at Spike and began strangling him with her hooves, and shouting all kinds of Profanity. Bon-bon tried to pull her away from the purple little prick, but In my opinion he brought this wrath upon himself, the little freeloader.
"I'M GONNA KILL HIM!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I HAVE HAD TO BRING HIM ALL THIS RETARDED SHIT ALL NIGHT, AND LISTEN TO THAT DAMN BELL GO OFF EVERY FIVE SECONDS!!! RING! RING! RINGGGG!!!!" Shouting at the top of her lungs.
"But it's only been less than an hour..." Spike managed to protest these words out of his constricted windpipe, further fueling Lyra's fury.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! THAT'S IT I HAD IT, I'M GONNA SHOVE MY HORN SO FAR UP HIS ASS HE'S GONNA-"
Knock, Knock, Knock. Lyra, Bon-bon and even Spike turned their attention towards the guest room doorway, startled to hear anyone knocking on their door at 4:00 A.M, who could it have possibly been. Lyra let go of Spike's windpipe, allowing him to cough and regain his breath, and they all went to see who the visitor was.
It was Twilight Sparkle.
"Hey umm... You haven't seen my little assistant around here have you? He's that purple dragon that always follows me around and harasses my friend Rarity, and everypony thinks I'm his mom." Twilight asked.
Lyra and Bon-bon did not answer though, they were too surprised, until Spike came from behind them and broke the silence and addressed Twilight.
"Twilight! I knew you'd come looking for me! Did you come to take me home?" Spike asked the purple mare running outside to the doorstep.
"Well, yeah, Why else would I come out here in the middle of the night when I can be asleep? Now come on, before some Rapist or Creep comes by here." The purple unicorn responded.
Before She levitated Spike onto her back with her Magic he asked her to wait for a second and turned to face Lyra and Bon-bon.
"Well, This was a fun night huh? Thanks alot for letting me stay and taking care of me Miss. Bon-bon. Oh, and you too Miss. Lyra! I'll see you around I guess." the Purple dragon said, doing and courteous bow, then turning to Twilight and nodding, giving her clearance to put him on her back.
"Well like Spike said, thanks for taking care of him for the night. Not sure what exactly happened but I hope he wasn't too much trouble. heh heh." Twilight said to Lyra and Bon-bon letting out a smile.
Bon-bon returned a smile and said "Oh it was no trouble at all, Right Lyra?" Nudging Lyra, Still unresponsive.
"Okay....well then. Good night you two, I'm gonna take Spike home." And with that the purple mare turned away and began walking home, Spike beginning to converse with her.
"So Twilight, Why'd you come looking for me, I thought you didn't want me to come home til morning, Or do you care that much?" Spike said happily to the lavender mare.
"Well, yes, but not exactly why but there's a question that's keeping me awake." Twilight responded.
"Oh? and what's that?" The purple dragon asked.
"Do you think a pony can be perverted enough to write stories about me having sexual relations with my friends or the princess?" Their voices dieing down, the farther they became from Lyra and Bon-bon's house.
Later that night, as Lyra and Bon-bon began getting situated into bed, Bon-bon remembered the deal she made with Lyra.
"So, Lyra. You still in the mood?" She asked teasingly.
"Are you crazy?! After tonight, I'll tell you one thing, and that's that I'll never want a filly! Ever! There is no way I'm taking that chance ever again! well, G'night." Lyra said, turning the Lamp off.
Bon-bon was at a loss for words and was dissapointed, and eventually found a response.
"....But were both girls...."
The End?
