Part 1 (I know, short stories dont have parts, but this is my first one, I need critic before I go on
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Part 1 (I know, short stories dont have parts, but this is my first one, I need critic before I go on
Fluttershy's new friend.
This is my first short story. I decided to be a short story writer for practice since writing an actual novel is difficult. And, short stories seem fun!
Fluttershy was quietly sipping tea with Angel bunny. It was a calm day for her; the sun was up, a few clouds, and the animals were all relaxed. So she took this opertunity to take a quick tea time with Angel. Each sip she takes triggers her to take in a deep, but calming breath. It was a percfect day for Fluttershy.
She was about to press her lips on her cup to consume another bit of tea when she heard something. Something that only an animal caretaker such as herself could hear. It was a cry for help. Her ears perked up, sounding an alarm in her mind. She moved one hoof to her ear to get a better sound from it. 'Help', She heard it again; it was comming from everfree forest. It was a faint sound, to her it sounded like it was hurt, or even traped.
Fluttershy could not let this go on. She quickly set her tea down, got up, grabed her first aid kit, and got ready to go find this poor creature. "I'm sorry Angel, but there is an animal in need, and I just cant leave an animal that is in harm." Fluttershy quitely told Angel. Angel, being the stubborn bunny he is (I'm asuming its a he), just crosses his paws and turns his head away. Showing that he is upset about this, and hoped that the tea time couldn't have ended so soon. Fluttershy quickly kisses Angel on the cheek, "Bye Angel, now you take care of the house while I'm gone; It will only be a few minutes, ok?" said Fluttershy. Angle just waves his paw with a fake smile, trying not to show his emotions for her leaving. He obviosly wants attention.
With all her stuff ready, she jumps right into the everfree forest. Knowing her way around, she doesn't have to worry about anything. The cry for 'help' suddenly gets louder as she trots closer towards it, she could clearly make out what it was, a breezy. " But, I thought they all made it!" She said to herself as she began too almost cry on the fact that there was an abandond brezzy in the everfree forest, all by herself. She couldn't cry now though, she had to help this little creature. She has to be confident like she always has. She pumps her chest up as if she is a hero, and trots faster.
She could finnaly hear the sound loud and clear, it was on the other side of a bush. She quickly jumps behind it, not knowing what might be over there. One false move and she could be timberwolf super. She used her hoof to open up a small hole in the bush to see what this was all about. What whe saw almost stabbed her in the heart. The breezy was surrounded by other animals, tied up on a stick, and was about to be set on a fire. She turned her head, she saw other sticks that were burned. She counted 4. 5 breezies were lost, and 4 have already been eaten. She started crying as she stared at the burnt sticks. "No, No, not the breezies! " She said under tearing eyes. Seeing this was like torture, how could somepony eat some of the cutest creatures in equestria? Opening up the hole even more, she saw that they weren't ponies eating them. Turns out that they were just bunnies. But these wern't any bunnies. These were the terrifing and almost deadly rabid ones. Fluttershy has never seen them in person, dn never really wanted to it pained her to see how evil they really are.
She had to think of something, anything, to keep that creature alive. She looked up, down and around for anything that can help aid its escape. And then she spots somthing. To the tree above, about a few feet away from the bunnies on the otherside of the clearing, was a loose branch. A lightbulb turned on in her head. She was going to create a diversion that would lure them away from the breezy. This should give her enough time to grab it and run home quickly before the bunnies saw her.
The brezzy was scared for its life, tearing up every time the fire rose higher. It could hear what the bunnies were saying, and it freaked it out, almost gving it a heart attack. "Its been so long since we had a brezzy treat like that. I forgot how good these were." The brezzy was so shocked to hear this. It turned its head, only for its eyes to meet the sticks, the burnt sticks. Its friend was on that stick, they spent so much time together. It started to sob more and more. Its head hung low, its shoulders slumped and just let itself go. There was nothing it could do, this was going to be the end for it. Its life flased before its eyes as tear drops fell. Its parents, siblings, its first date. It was going to lose that all. It was over.
But just when all hope seemed lost, it heard a loud 'snap' and a 'thud'. A branch had fallen. "What was that?" One bunny asked. "Could have been another treat, lets go check it out." all 4 of them just jumped towards the brach that had fallen without thinking. Leaving the breezy hoping someone was going to save it. It tensed up, looked around, started sweating, and then it heard it. Rusling of bushes, always a good sign. Most of the time.
Suddenly, A yellow pegusus jumped out. That made the breezy jump a bit at the surprise. The pegusus then ran over to the breezy, quickly picked it up, and dashed away before the bunnies got back.. It happend so fast that the breezy just blacked out, leaving it clueless on what just happend.
After a few hours, it woke up, to a paw just patting it on the head. So 'soft' it thought. It opened its eyes slowy, covering its eyes to udjust to the different lighting. It then saw a white bunny, and nearly gave the breezy a heart attack "AAAHHHHH" it screamed in a high pitched tone. Startling the bunny, sending it off the edge of the bed.
Ok im going to let this go on if I can get some critisizm on how I am doing so far.
Author's Note
Yeah I know this was pretty short. But I need to know how I am doing on these.
How detailed it is, how good the plot is. If I messed up a couple of times. If the story didn't make sence, If there are any short story sins I put in there unintentionaly.
The things I really don't want to worry about is missing some puntiation or, some spelling errors, or small grammar errors.i can fix those later, I'm writing this story on polaris office, and I havent figuered out if there is a spelling and grammar check.
And the story is pretty generic, like any other short story. It wasent really as creative as I thought It would be, but Its all I can think of for now. I could probably come up with more, just give me some time.
Part 2
The breezy just stared at the wall for the next 20 minutes in the bed he woke in. It appeared it was in a small room, with a small bed, meant for a dog or a cat. Finally breaking its gaze, it turned its head to see a particular rabbit climbing back up with annoyed eyes. Stilled scared the breezy shuffled back as the bunny fully climbed up. It was hoping that it didn't start anymore trouble then it think it did.
The bunny met the breezy's gaze. Seeing that it was scared, it released look of annoyance and put a poker face on. An awkward silence filled the room as they stared at each other awkwardly.
After a few seconds, a butter PEGASUS (spelled it right that time) with a cutie mark of pink butterflies walked in to see if everything was alright. She was carrying a small plate of food meant for the breezy. As she set the plate down she noticed that Angel had already made acquaintances, and she almost immediately brightened up to this.
"Oh, I see you two already met!" said Fluttershy as her smiled widened. The bunny and the breezy just looked at her, and turned to look back at each other awkwardly again. Fluttershy continued to bring the tiny plate of food to the breezy. She wanted to start a conversation with it.
When she walked up closer, it clearly showed that it was a female. "So, what is your name miss?" said Fluttershy. The breezy said something in its language; Fluttershy obviously knew what it was talking about. "Oh hello misses Shining Stars! My name is Fluttershy, and it’s very nice to meet you!" she said comfortably.
Fluttershy decided to start by talking about how she ended up in the forest. The breezy hesitated at first, but quickly caught on to her comforting mood. She started to feel... Welcome. It explained everything; turns out that before they made it to Ponyvile, a few accidentally got hit by an incoming bird and crashed straight into the ever free forest. (I have no map of Ponyvile, so I have no idea where the ever free forest is.) Somehow, none of the other breezes noticed it happen and trailed off to Ponyvile. The breezy was about to get a little emotional about it when she starting talking about her friends, and drooped her head at this. "Oh my, I'm so sorry; I wish I was there sooner." Said Fluttershy, a little emotional herself. She then remembered the burnt sticks, which made a tear leave the shy Pegasus’s eye.
She quickly regained herself and tried to change the subject. "So, um, now that you are here, how will you get home?" she mentally face hoofed herself on such a ridiculous question, she already knew that it can’t, not without a lot of other breezes, and the door being shut for another couple whatever’s (I forgot how long OK)
The breezy was caught off guard by this, it never thought about how it was going to get home. She put her tiny hoof to her chin, and started to think about all the things it accomplished in its home, which was not much. This made the breezy wonder if it really wanted to go home. Fluttershy did save her from a dinner that made her the mane (see what I did there) course. And the fact that this pegasus is taking good care of her, it felt like she was a mother to it. After all, the breezy really didn't have a choice, and it thanked celestia for this choice to be Fluttershy.
After a bit of thinking, it told Fluttershy that there wasn't much at home, and that it was planning on starting its own life away from them. It just seemed a bit hard for it to do, being that the door never opens.
Fluttershy was a little surprised by this, but then realized that the doors did close, and there was no way for it to get home. It then occurred to her that she never had a breezy stay in her home. So she put on a face of assurance and said. "Why don't you stay with me?"
The breezy picked its head up at this. It looked into the mare’s eyes and felt a little comfortable. After sobbing under its tiny hooves, she then really wanted to stay here.
Shining stars smiled, and gave a small nod after hearing this. Fluttershy suddenly became so happy that she ended up hugging the tiny creature. "Yay!" she whispered as she held onto the little breezy. Fluttershy started to imagine what her days would be like with a breezy living in her home. She had always wanted one but due to the things these animals do, she couldn't.
Realizing that she was hold on to it a little too long, she set the creature down, letting it catch its breath. After returning smiles, Fluttershy promptly asked "Now, would you like to join angel and me for some tea?"
