The Royal 'Culero' (Asshole)

by GatoYBeans

Rating: mature
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Human, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 2361

Blueblood in Mexico, que mas Quieres? Also Tell Celestia he is a pompous ass.

The Great and Whitey Blue Blood as been a complete asshole to everypony in the the Kingdom from ruining Rarity's night out to using Celestia's name in vain for his own image. So Discord has finally taken enough of his bullshit and decides to send the arrogant little prick in teaching him a lesson to the one nation that people have come to ridicule. Mexico…..

Thanks and Edited by my whitero (Just Kidding) partner Infinite Evil

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-04 01:20:01 UTC

Mi Burrito!

It was early morning in the great city of Canterlot, the sun was rising, the many vendors and stores opening its stores, the foals groaning for another day of school as the parents could only assure them that it sucks to be them. However from amidst the great palace that homes the Regal sisters of the Planet Celestia could only smile at the wonderful sight of her kingdom. As the day was just about to begin with raising the early sun to greet a new day... but all was interrupted as a scream was heard.

AUNNNNNNTTTTTYYYYYYY!!!!!!!............

Eyup its one of those days that someone has woken up on the wrong side of the bed. As clopping was heard running into the Royal Chamber of Princess Celestia, Celestia could only sigh as her overbearing newphew came in screaming rape as he was almost on the verge of crying like a newborn.

"AUNNTTYY!" Whined Blueblood as he skidded in front of Celestia, "I did not wake up to my early breakfast!" Screamed Blueblood angrily out of frustration.

"Where is Sun Stripe?" Blueblood whined.

"Please calm down, nephew I believe it is just a misunderstanding"

"No Aunty, it is not alright I want my early breakfast always at 8:00 before my groomers come to fix up my mane!" Blurted Blueblood as his face began to turn red from the near heart attack over a simple breakfast.

"Blueblood I insist you be patient for maybe they need to..."

"No Aunty that is not how it works! My breakfast needs to be in my chamber exactly at 8:00 no more just wait until I get my hoofs on that Sun Stri..."

A small white french maid wearing pony hurridely came coming in as she had a steaming pile of plates balanced across her back as she softly spoke.

"Forgive me your majesty but I was running late you see and my filly would just not..."

"NO Sun we agreed at 8:00 you will always come and deliver breakfast at no later and at no less, so hurry up for I am famished"

As Sun Stripe quickly hurried towards the demanding Prince, she bowed her head as she lifted off the cover of the trays to present the Royal Breakfast but as she gracefully lifted up the plated from the base of her back a firm magic held her down as she could only panick.

"Stay still Sun Stripe Since time costs money I guess I need to hurry up before my groomers come to fix up my hair"

As Blueblood finally walked to the struggling mare that unwillingly continued to hold down the plates Blueblood quickly spooned a few times at the large platter of food before tossing the spoon over the plate.

"Now be gone serf I must get ready"

"But your majesty that was so little I can assure you that you should eat some mor..."

"And what get FAT! No dear I must be in top shape for If I am ever to please the others.. oh look at the time!"

Blueblood screamed as he galloped quickly past Sun Stripe as the plates levitated off her back finally crashed over the maid as vats of syrup and cereal caked her into a humiliating form. Before she could only tear at how a mess she was and an embarrassment she was at the sight of Princess Celestia. She was quickly hushed as towels were placed over her shoulders as Celestia began to calm her down reassuring her it was an accident. However she scorned at her spoiled Nephew as her day as turned sour no thanks to Blueblood already ruining the new day for Equestria to live out its happy society.

So as Blueblood continued to hurry down the hallways of the ancient Palace he would make a note to fire Sun Stripe but before he needed to see his groomer for a another 'Long' day of being fabulous and above all the other ponies that needed his help to guide their everyday unintelligent lives. He was their prince however before that he needs to get makeup on before presenting himself to the public. So as he could only mumble across the hallways a dark figure would then pop out from the shadows as he began to curl his hands as a toothy grin began forming across his face.

"So I see that arrogant little fool is ready to start his day, I will make sure he starts the day somewhere extra sunny where he can have all the popularity across the desert he'll be a real hit!" laughed Discord as he began to remember the other day when Blubloood had 'accidentally' knocked over Discords bucket of Chocolate milk as he lazed about the Garden laughing that he hate Chocolate milk just as much as anybody who was brown and looked weird gruelingly laughed Blue Prick leaving a very angry soaked Discord as he would get back at him.

So as Blueblood continued his journey a strange feeling began to come over him before fainting as Discords levitated his fat body over to the window that would send his sorry ass over to the place Blueblood would surely get for ever coming across Discord.

"This is for my Chocolate Milk!" Kicked Discord as Blueblood fell down the never ending portal to the next world where surely they loved royalty? Nah fuck that we already hate our own President so like thats going to happen.

Modern Day D.F (Districto Federal)

As the kids were walking to the public schools in Mexico City every child accept Alexandro were casually giggling for another day in Mexico as he was running instead of going but from away from school. Behind him three big kids were in pursuit as they cursed at Alex.

"Binche Mamon ven aca cobarte!"

"Yeah where is our lunch money pendejo!"

"Where is my Takis!"

As Alexandro began losing breath accidentally tripped over a sandbox as the bullies began pound him across the sand.

"Come tierra pobre"

As the onslaught continued the little boy and girls around the yard could only watch as the bullies began to lift him Alex holding all his legs and arms open as he struggle to see through his already bruising face. They began to walk towards a swingset pole as they positioned his crotch in line with the pole.

"Ahora, I shall repeat again, where is my money" The bigger of the kids slapped Alex across the face as he could only goan from the beating he had received. So with that being said the bullies began to go back and forth as they finally heaved forwards as Alex could only scream in pain as he held his Pi Pi between his hands.

"Next time cabrone I expect you have my money also tell your mom that I did her last night" Laughed the older of the group "See you in class perdedor (loser)" as they began to walk away from the crying mess as Alex began to curse in all manner of names. So with sudden reaction he got up and ran out of the yard as he ran as far away from those bullies. So as he began to run across the open markets of the street vendors he was determined to fight the pain as music all around him blasted into his eardrums as he panicked to find an exit.

Youtube Video

So as he finally turned towards an alley. Exhaustion finally came as he fell over yet again another sand box only meant for cats as he began to hold his hands between his face.

"Kill me!!!" Sobbed Alex but before he could realize what he said a falling figure was coming out of the sky as he quickly moved out of the way. As the sand began to die down Alex would soon realize that what fell from the sky was not even close to a miracle. All he could say was that he saw lying there was the whitest burro he had ever seen. This would soon begin a unlikely friendship between a boy and his little burro....

Outskirts

As Alex backed away from the strange animal that fell from the sky he first believed it was a sign, or another space turd from the airplanes that drop shit into the city all the time. However this bag of 'shit' was Blueblood and so Alex finally decided to take out his phone to dial Federales until he heard the thing muble in its sleep.

"Please Luna No more,... I mean it..TiaaaA.." The thing continued to breath shallow gasps of breaths.

Alex was so freaked out by this new discovery that he dropped his 300 peso ($30) phone smashing the plastic screen before turning to the nearby Virgin as he continued to make the sign.

"Dios Mio, please let me be dreaming I know it was wrong to peep into the women bathrooms but please tell me if its all a dream!"

Sadly the truth was that the whole city was a dream because everyday more morenos from around the country are moving in and with the high price of living it was hard to do anything either. Plus the Government was feeding its people shit with both the current President and 'Federales' profiting from the poor and covering the cartels movements as they continually promise the citizens a more safer and better Mexico. However it still sucks because more bodies are being shown up threatening both officials and any bystanders caught between the business of the Sinaloa Cartels and Zapatistas that dominate the crime in Mexico. So aside from that thought the most logical thing to do was bring it back home so maybe Alex could sell this white burro for half a weeks food in the market to feed his family of 7.

All of a sudden his broken phone began to ring as the song from El Chavo del 8 began to play.

"Bueno?" He Answered.

"HIJO DE TU BINCHE MADRE DONDE ESTAS CABRONE!" Yelled Guadalupe, Alex's Mom.

"Mami perdon but I just got beat up and en verdad I need to leave because I am afraid what they're going to do" a sigh was heard from the other end "Ok hijito just this once come back home, but tomomrow I expect for you to go to school like it or not."

"Si Mami." Alex responded.

"Oh Hijito, por favor pero de paso compras unas tortillas?" kindly asked my mom.

"Of course mom I'll buy the Tortillas, so I'll see you soon, I love you mama!"

"Igual mente!" So as she hung up Alex began to think how stupid it was for him to leave because now those bullies know that he was scared of them and tomorrow its going to be a bitch. So turnning back to the strange horse he decide that pulling the thing would be hard and so maybe a cart can carry this fat ass since he assumed it looked very chubby but what was really wierd It had the most weirdest branding. So as Alex took a nearby cart parked nearby, he begin to heave this mammoth creature on the back of the cart and with all the strength he finally managed to lift it up,

"Damn que lo dan de comer? Cake?"

So as he picked up a bunch of newspaper nearby, Alex begin to unfold the newspaper but what he was surprised at the article title that he first opened to.

BRONIES A WORLD PHENOMENON!

So as Alex stopped to read the article he began to learn that a weird American show calle 'My Little Pony' has made men more gay and with a crumple of the paper chucked it at a nearby trashcan. Americans were weird, they have too much time on thier hands and those lazy ass kids aren't even grateful for the things they ought to be working for. Here in Mexico jobs were becoming more difficult to land on and Schools were expensive as children can only reach until 14 and can decide to quit school and work for his family or burden his family more if he decided to continue. The city was cramped and with all the corruption made it even worse, more people were flowing in and to accomadate the new arrival would mean more would camp outside the city limits in hoped to find success in the low class range for Mexicans to survive on.

So as Alex left the alley heading towards his district he began to remember what his dad used to tell him before he died trying to reach the border.

"Son never leave the family, family is above all else and if you had the chance to protect them, you WILL protect them and care first for them never forget that."

As tears began to form in his eyes he finally had arrived to the broken down apartment that he has since been living there, luckily they lived on the first floor and as he opened the gates s flood of livestock were heard as he saw hismom cutting off the Nopales thorns preparing for dinner.

"Mama!" Alex ran to hug her as she returned the hug as she held his head in her hands kissing him on the cheek

"Hijo! Mi desoro!" Even if she was 56 moms are always your moms.

So as Alex began to embrace in the warm feelings of his mom, a loud groan was heard from the cart as a natural Horse snort was heard.

"Ahhh.. my head hurts....Aunttyyy?" As Blueblood began to wake up he looked up from the covers of where he was laying and as he  opened to see where he was he could only see an ugly sight of a filthy city street.

"OHHHHH WHEN I GET MY HOOFS ON THOSE CITY CLEANERS I WILL PERSONALLY MAKE THEM CLEAN OUT MY..." Blueblood's blood went cold as he finally saw strange creatures staring back at him.

Silence was only heard as a sudden blast of random music was heard from atop floors.

Youtube Video

"What the FUCK!" shouted Blueblood....