Butt Off

by Palm Palette

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 4185

Princess Celestia banishes Twilight's butt.

Princess Celestia banishes Twilight's butt.

Published 2014-03-05 23:50:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-05 23:50:06 UTC

...and it smelt faintly of peaches.

“Mmm, tacos.” Twilight Sparkle couldn't help herself. She smacked her lips and drooled.

“Thee bits each. They're freshly made and guaranteed to please.” The greasy white unicorn chef smiled. He had all kinds of sauces and smears splattered on his once-white apron. He levitated eight different ingredients at once while he put together more tacos.

“Oh, but I really shouldn't,” Twilight moaned. “I'm going to stuck be in a royal meeting all day and tacos always give me gas.”

Tootie Horn, the chef, laughed at that. “I think you'll find it worth the risk. Besides, those stuffy old boring meetings could use some spicing up every once in a while.”

“Well, maybe just one...” Twilight dropped three coins on the counter and was rewarded with one very juicy looking taco heaped to the top with freshly cut ingredients. She gasped. “Are those peach slices? On a taco?”

“They go great with my special Tootie sauce. You'll just have to try it and see.” He winked at her.

Twilight Sparkle held it up to her mouth and took a bite. “Mmm! Mrmm.” The crunchy corn shell filled with fried fried beans, shredded lettuce, sour cream, diced tomatoes, shredded cheese, peach wedges, and, of course, the very special Tootie sauce exploded in her mouth. The sensation was unlike anything she'd ever tasted before. It was almost a shame to swallow, but her stomach wanted in on that too and that just left her mouth free to take another bite...

***

Twenty tacos later, Twilight Sparkle, the royal princess of overindulgence, waddled into the palace. Her only regret was that she was too full to eat any more. Her gut swung so low that it practically scraped against the polished tile floor. The highly professional royal guards remained stoic and unmoving as she labored past, but their eyes tracked her when she wasn't looking.

Sir Sits-a-Lot, the acting captain of the guards in this particular hallway, greeted her with the usual level of professionalism that befit his rank. Then, unprofessionally, “Um, I can't help but notice... Are you pregnant, Miss?” he asked.

Twilight flushed in embarrassment. “No, sorry. I'm, uh, just practicing.” She grinned and hurried past him.

The royal meeting room was flooded with sunlight at this time of day. Twilight squinted as she stepped in the room. This was one of those little tricks that Celestia used to give herself an advantage over foreign dignitaries and keep them on edge. She could freely scope them out while they were blinded by the light.

“Why hello there, Twilight. My, how you've grown.” The large white alicorn spread a wing to block the sun.

Twilight hopped into the room. “Celestia! It's so good to see you again.”

“And you too, though it looks like I'm seeing more and more of you every time you visit.” Celestia giggled. “Please, sit down. The dignitaries will arrive shortly.”

Twilight took her seat at the opposite end of the table. She had some trouble fitting there, as her belly wanted to rest on top of the table, and that would hardly be appropriate. Twilight giggled nervously and stuffed herself under the table. Her gut made a slight gurgling noise when she pushed at it. That was just a fluke, right?

Her position across from Celestia signified that she was only there for observation and wouldn't take part in any of the deliberations. Celestia could still call on her, of course, which would keep the dignitaries looking back and forth. In the game of politics, the little things often mattered the most.

The sound of a horn blared as a herald stepped in the room and declared, “Hailing from the Griffon Kingdom, please welcome their graciousnesses, Huffenpuff and Broken Quill.”

“It's a pleasure to see you both. I trust your trip here went smoothly,” Celestia said.

“It did indeed; the train ride across the border was well maintained and a pleasure the whole way.”

Twilight twisted her neck around to look at them as they entered. The one who spoke, Huffenpuff, was an elderly griffon with brown and gold coloration on his plumage. He was dressed in a black suit with a tie.

His partner, Broken Quill, was actually a silver and white colored hippogriff. Like griffons, hippogriffs also have an eagle's head and talons, but their hind quarters are pony-like instead of lion-like. This particular hippogriff had a broken feather next to an inkwell for a cutie mark. Twilight knew a bit about him from rumors she'd heard when she'd lived in the castle. It was said that he'd never finished writing a document with the same quill that he'd started with. Given the huge stack of papers he carried with him, that rumor was probably true.

Those two dignitaries took seats near Celestia. That was appropriate because Equestria had good relations with that country, also evidenced by their opening remarks.

The herald blared his horn again. “Hailing from the southern jungle kingdom of Brayzil, please welcome her mistress, Flout.”

An elegant green unicorn with long, flowing blue hair and thick sunglasses sauntered into the room. She wore an elegant white dress, full of bedazzling gems and fancy ribbons. Coiled around her body was a purple snake-like creature with a pink head. The new scents in the room agitated it and it held its head up and hissed. Its mouth opened in three sections like petals and long, thin, black tongues waved in the air. After expressing its displeasure, it buried its head in its mistresses' mane.

“I see you've gotten a new pet,” Celestia said.

“Oh, yes, the old one was getting quite insufferable.” Flout ignored her nametag on the table and sat one seat closer to Celestia than she was assigned. Twilight was pretty sure that was a faux pas, but she didn't mind having the extra distance between herself and the baby tatzlwurm. Their greeting exchange had seemed a bit cold, too.

The herald didn't bother blaring his horn. “Hailing from the Broken Wastes, Drone Forty-Six.”

A nondescript gray earth pony stepped in the room. Green fire enveloped it, and its facade faded to reveal its true form. Celestia said nothing, and the chitinous, black bug-like creature took a seat next to Twilight Sparkle. Twilight shuddered at the close proximity to the changeling.

The herald left and the guards shut the door behind him. This was an off day? Twilight glanced around the table. Sure, there were only four dignitaries from three kingdoms but what a selection! She wished that she'd been allowed to take notes because whatever they talked about was bound to be fascinating.

“I thank most of you for coming here.” Celestia cast a sidelong glance at the changeling. “I believe the first item on our agenda today is the surtax on staples...”

Twilight groaned inwardly when Celestia levitated a box containing the least interesting objects ever created onto the table. At least it was just one item on the agenda. They wouldn't talk about it all day, right?

The griffon ambassadors immediately puffed up. Twilight watched with horror as their immense stack of papers appeared on the table and Huffenpuff grabbed the top sheet...

What she'd thought was a stack of legal documents was actually just a single speech and he started reading the whole thing. Twilight tried to listen, she truly did, but she just couldn't get her mind to wrap around the importance of duty-free staples. It didn't help that he spoke in such a flat, monotone voice that his words seemed to drone on more than the, well, drone sitting next to her.

It was almost like a breath of fresh air when Flout interrupted to describe how pretty she was. Almost.

Everypony ignored her, and the soul-sucking black void that was the staple surtax debate droned on right where it left off. Twilight mentally imagined herself banging her head against the table. Imaginary Twilight got a concussion.

Was it possible for a pony to die of boredom? She seemed destined to find out. Twilight tried her best to maintain her poker face like she'd been taught, or at least to stay upright. Right now, Twilight was deeply envious of Celestia. The solar princess smiled and nodded with regards to the debate. She wasn't just being polite either; she had a rebuttal ready every time the griffon tried to sneak something past her.

It was mind-boggling, or, in the case of Twilight, mind-breaking to think about. The endless sea of boredom drowned her rationality, and all that was left was the part of her mind that subsisted on crackpot theories. A light flashed in her head like a flare-gun marking the location of a sinking ship.

Perhaps ponies could only tolerate so much boredom before they die? That's why Celestia was immortal: because she never got bored. It made so much sense! As ponies got bored, they got older, and the older they were the harder it was for them to do things – thus leading to more boredom. The cycle would accelerate later in life until they eventually died of boredom. It was a neat, sensible theory.

Twilight suddenly realized the implications of how bored she was. Oh no! This meeting's already taken years off my life!

Well, unfortunately for her, she soon had something other then the wanderings of her slightly unhinged mind to keep her attention. Her body joined in on the chorus. It gurgled and blorped. Beneath the table, beneath her skin, a pressure was slowly building. There was only one exit, and it would be rude, very rude, to use it.

She was in desperate need of a potty break. They'd break for lunch, and she could go then. Twilight looked at the sun to check the time. It taunted her with its low angle. More gas gurgled through her bowels. Twilight nervously glanced at the other dignitaries, but they were too busy ignoring Huffenpuff to notice her.

She crossed her legs under the table and unconsciously shook them. She could only wait with horror as the gas in her belly further expanded and gurgled deeper into her system. Her butt barely held it in check. The sun, if anything, slowly drifted the wrong way back towards the horizon. Twilight was not going to make it to lunch. She cringed and clenched her posterior muscles as tightly as she could, but the pressure was just too much.

Frrt.

A tiny puff of gas escaped her defenses. Eyebrows were raised in her direction, but the droning continued on. She felt so embarrassed. That was just the tip of the iceberg, though – and this iceberg was out for blood.

The gurgling continued, and accelerated in frequency and duration. She felt like she was going to explode. She couldn't hold it any longer. Her body suffered a structural breakdown and the iceberg was unleashed.

FFFRRRRRRRRTTT!

It was iceberg that sank the Titanic. A huge cloud of foul-smelling greenish gas erupted from Twilight's seat. Caught in ground zero, the changeling gagged and collapsed backwards off its seat. It waved its legs futilely in the air and made gurgling, clicking noises with its mandibles.

FFFRRRRRRRRTTT!

It was the iceberg that set fire to the Hindenburg. The cloud expanded and took Flout by storm. She quite dramatically made a show of pinching her nose, but the cloud was too potent for even that. She gagged and fell off of her chair as well. Her tatzlwurm pet flicked one of its black tongues in the air. It screed and knotted itself up into a ball.

FFFRRRRRRRRTTT!

It was the iceberg that blew up the Challenger. Broken Quill was the next to fall under the unrelenting storm of noxious fumes. Feathers flew as he collapsed onto the ground and joined the others gagging.

FFFRRRRRRRRTTT!

It was the iceberg that breached the levees and flooded New Orleans. Huffenpuff fought valiantly against the fart. He tried to ignore its looming presence. He tried to keep droning on, but the fumes overtook him and he too fell to the ground gagging.

FFFRRRRRRRRTTT!

It was the iceberg that brought down the twin t–

“TWILIGHT SPARKLE!” Celestia screamed. The room shook with her fury.

“Ack! I'm sorry. I had too many tacos. I can't make it stop!”

The horrendous rumbling of Twilight's butt filled the room as the dignitaries continued to gag and choke on the floor. Paint began to fleck and peel off the walls.

“You leave me with no choice. I'm going to have to banish your butt!” Celestia's horn glowed and she lifted Twilight with her magic.

“No! Please don't banish me! I-I'll do anything! I'll even do your taxes!”

“Oh, Twilight–” Celestia gave a sly smile “–I'm not banishing you – just your butt.”

“What!? But you can't banish just my butt, can you?”

“Hmm, you have a point.” Celestia held Twilight in front of her. “I'm banishing your butt – and most of your limbs!”

“No!”

Yellow magic distorted the air around Twilight. Most of her got sucked into some kind of void. With a 'pop,' the spell was complete. All that was left of Twilight was her head, neck, and left front foreleg.

“Um.” Twilight teetered uncertainly on her one limb. Her new body structure closely resembled that of a certain scepter. All she needed to match it was her crown and a goofy grin.

Celestia's magic flooded the room, opened the windows, and dispersed the fumes. Everyone there breathed a sigh of relief.

“Whoa, whoa!” Twilight hopped once and fell over.

“Twilight, you're dismissed for now.” Celestia opened the door for her. “You can return once you're feeling better.”

“Um.” Twilight twisted her neck and flopped her leg on the floor. “A little help here, please.”

Twilight's new and improved, sleek linear form interested someone else in the room. The tatzlwurm uncoiled itself and slithered up next to her. It made cooing noises and licked her nose.

“EEEK!” Twilight found the strength to move on her own. She bunched up her leg and kicked off the ground. This propelled her forward a few feet only to land smack on her face. The tatzlwurm slithered towards her again, so she screamed and kick-crashed her way out the room like a disaster-prone inchworm.

“Tazzy, playtime's over. Come to momma.” Flout clicked her tongue and stretched out one of her forelegs. The baby tatzlwurm slithered back and coiled around it.

***

The door shut behind her, and Twilight flopped into the hall. She rolled over and looked up at the guards. “Um, hi.”

Sir Sits-a-Lot stopped sitting. He looked Twilight over and burst out laughing.

“H-hey! Don't laugh at me.” Twilight frowned.

“Pray tell, what is going on here?” A regal voice accompanied by the clank of metal hoofplates echoed in the hall.

“Princess Luna!”

The guard quickly stood to attention, but it was too late. Luna walked up to him and gave him a look. His captain's badge peeled off under her glare. The now-demoted ex-acting captain of this particular hallway whimpered.

“Luna, what are you doing up so late in the day?” Twilight asked.

“I heard a commotion. What happened to you, Twilight?”

“Oh, um, that is, you see...” Twilight stammered. She wanted to spin some elaborate bold-faced lie but the problem with the royal sisters was that they, well, talked to each other. Luna probably already knew somehow. “Celestia banished my butt because I ate too many tacos and couldn't stop farting!”

Luna snerked, then fell over laughing. She clutched at her sides and howled with mirth.

“Not you too!” Twi-worm bunched up her leg and flopped flat on the wall. “Ow.”

Luna rolled over and nearly toppled one of the guards. “My sides, you're killing me.”

“This isn't as much fun as it looks,” Twilight groaned. Her face and neck were uncomfortably pressed up against the white stone bricks while the rest of her laid flat on the floor.

“FUN!?” Luna reared up and bunched her cheeks together with her hooves. Her eyes sparkled more brilliantly than her mane. The guards behind her glanced at each other and sweated under their armor.

Twilight had, apparently, said exactly the wrong word. “Um...”

“Why that's a perfect idea! Let us have some fun!” Luna scooped Twilight up and balanced her on her one leg. “Hopping contest, GO!”

In a display befitting of the regality of Her Royal Highness, the lunar princess jumped up and down. Twilight struggled to keep her balance. She did manage to hop two or three times, though the third hop didn't really count since she was falling over at the time.

“Oof.” Twilight face-planted.

“Oh dear, did I win? Do you want a rematch?” Luna asked like it wasn't even a question. She had already picked Twilight up and balanced her on her hoof again.

“I, uh... bathroom! Yeah, that's it. I gotta potty.” Twilight sheepishly grinned.

Luna snerked. “Even if you got there, what would you do? Your butt's Celestia-knows-where, and–” Luna paused and tapped her chin. “Oh, she probably does know where.”

“I – uh...” Twilight stammered.

“You can still feel your butt, can't you?” Luna asked, a bit more seriously.

“I can still feel it, yes. It's... distant. And yeah, it's still going off.”

“Hopping time!” Luna bounced.

“Whoa-whoa!” Twilight hopped once and fell over. Somehow, she landed on her face again.

“Oh poo, you're supposed to get better, not worse.” Luna looked at Twilight lying on the floor.

Twilight groaned. “Luna!”

Luna leaned down and grinned. “I'd say that you were hopping mad, but really, you're hopping bad.”

With immense effort, Twilight curled herself into a circle and facehoofed.

“Ooh, a Twi-ring!” Luna levitated her upright again. “Let's roll!”

“Wha-hey!” Twilight, the circle, was launched down the hall. She was only sort-of circular, and rolled very bumpily, especially on her face. “Ack!”

Twilight straightened herself out, careened off-course, and crashed into a suit of armor, knocking it over. “Luna!”

“Don't worry, Twilight, I'll find something you can do.” Luna glanced at the end of the hallway and gasped. They were on the third floor. “I've got it! Twilight, the slinky!” Luna ran down to the end of the hallway and propped Twilight up at the edge of the staircase. She teetered, but she didn't fall.

“No! Not stairs! Anything but stairs!” Twilight still suffered flashbacks from the Crystal Empire. Of all the things to develop a phobia of, it had to be stairs. Thankfully, she usually had wings; otherwise she'd be utterly paralyzed by her bathmophobia.

Luna gave Twilight a gentle push.

"EEEK!" Twilight fell forward and ducked her head at the last moment. Her horn stuck in the wood with a thunk and she came to a complete stop with her leg sticking straight up. “I hate stairs.”

Luna howled with laughter and clapped her hooves together. “Oh, this is so much fun.”

Luna grabbed Twilight's hoof and yanked her out of the step. She held her upside-down and swung her back and forth. “Twilight, the pendulum!”

“Stop! Luna, you're making me queasy and I don't even know what that means because my stomach's in another dimension or something.”

“Oh, all right.” Luna giggled quietly to herself and propped Twilight up in a corner who breathed a sigh of relief. The hallway was now strangely absent of guards and the fallen armor still lay there on the floor. Through the stained-glass windows, the sun could be seen nearing its apex.

Luna stood there watching Twilight, who panted to catch her breath. “Too much fun?”

Twilight nodded. “Too much fun.”

“There's no such thing as too much fun!” Luna grabbed Twilight and lifted her over her shoulder. “Twilight, the back-scratcher!”

“Urg. Uumpth.” Twilight made muffled noises as Luna rubbed her over her body.

“Oh, yeah. That's the spot.” Luna vigorously brushed Twilight against her back. Her mouth hung open and she drooled a bit.

Twilight started squirming so Luna set her down (after rubbing that spot again). “Luna, can't you think of something else to do like, uh, lunch or something?”

“That's a great idea.” Luna picked Twilight up and carried her down the stairs.

“I still hate stairs,” Twilight mumbled and clenched her eyes shut. She was handling the situation better than she usually did because she was a bit detached from her racing heart.

“Oh, what's this?” Luna stopped moving and Twilight opened her eyes.

Twilight breathed easier now that she wasn't in a stairwell, but she wasn't sure why Luna had stopped. She looked at her reflection on the wall. “It's a mirror?”

Luna draped Twilight over her neck. “Twilight, the fashion accessory!”

“What.” Twilight deadpanned and scrunched her face up into the least fashionable thing she could think of: Princess Cadance.

“Why, yes, that does look lovely.”

Twilight frowned and dropped her mask. Why did nopony else think Cadance was ugly but her? She was pink, pink, and she loved stairs.

Luna struck a pose where she spread her wings and stretched her neck out to one side. She puffed her hair up until and pressed Twilight into it like a flower. “Does Twilight go well with my mane?”

Twilight blinked. She smiled. “Uh, actually...”

In the reflection, Twilight's grin showed too many teeth. She did look okay next to the gold-trimmed mirror frame, but there was too much contrast between her and the starry mane. Luna shifted into a crouch and pulled Twilight out to balance her on the top of her head. “Does Twilight make a good hat?”

“Ugh, no. I look like a giant tumor growing out of your crown.”

Luna raised an eyebrow and twisted her head.

“Whoa-whoa!” Twilight toppled over backwards and her face smacked into Luna's rump. Luna folded her wings and shifted again and Twilight wound up drooping over Luna's flanks.

“Hmm... does Twilight make me look fat?”

“I am not fat! I'm a string bean, a noodle, a piece of uncooked spaghetti, a hair, some string, Fluttershy's courage, Rainbow Dash's humility. My tummy's not even here! How can you even consider that!?”

“You're right, I do look skinnier by comparison.” Luna smirked.

“Oh, come on!”

“Well, if you're so skinny, then how about some food?” Luna carried Twilight into the kitchen where she poured some flour and water into a bowl along with a pinch of salt, yeast, and sugar. She stirred it up, and glopped it on the table.

Twilight eyed the gooey blob of dough. “Uh... no thanks, I'm not that hungry.”

“Oh no, you're going to eat it...” Luna grabbed Twilight and held her above her head. “Twilight, the rolling pin!”

“Hey!” Twilight protested as Luna pressed her into the dough. It was too runny and got mushed into Twilight's fur.

“Well that didn't work.” Luna held Twilight up and frowned at the mess.

“Neither has anything else!”

“Are you sure about that? I liked the back-scratcher.” With Twilight suspended, Luna ran some water over her and wiped her down with a towel.

“I didn't.” Twilight sighed. “Uh, thanks for cleaning that up, I guess.”

The clock tower rang twelve times. Out in the courtyard, ponies emerged to go about their business. Luna yawned. “I've been up way too late. So, uh, how are you feeling?”

Twilight closed her eyes. “I feel, I feel...”

***

The universe is cold and vast. It contains over one hundred billion galaxies. Arranged in clusters, they've been dancing with each other, slowly drifting through space for billions of years. Well, for one particular galaxy cluster, that dance was about to end.

As large as a galactic cluster itself, an immense lavender butt appeared in outer space. It was accompanied by three limbs that wiggled occasionally but found no purchase. Such an immensely huge, massive object should collapse into a black hole, but it operated under its own rules. It farted.

It was the iceberg...

A billowing stream of noxious green gas blasted forth from its posterior. It narrowly missed Andromeda, but the galaxy next to it was less fortunate. Spiral arms curled and peeled off under the relentless assault of the vile fumes. The galaxy shrank as its mass was stripped off by the fartastic winds until nothing was left but the galactic core. But even that could not withstand against the flow and it too was carried away and swept out into deep space. After the fart died down and came to an end, there was nothing left of the majestic spiral galaxy that one swirled there except for a funny odor.

...that destroyed the entire Milky Way galaxy.

***

“Ahh.” Twilight opened her mouth and lulled out her tongue. Her eyes half-drooped and she had a look of immense satisfaction on her face.

“You done?” Luna asked.

“Yeah, I'm done.”

With that, Luna flared her horn and Twilight's butt popped back into place.

“Oh, my sweet posterior. I'm never going to part from you ever again!” Twilight puckered her lips and twisted her neck around to bury her face firmly into her flank.

“You should probably wash it first before you start with the kissing.”