The Golden Apple

by Zombie Overlord Kog

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Other, Romance
Length: 11230

The old saying goes "Be careful what you wish for". Anon learns that the hard way when he has to deal with Eris and all the chaos she brings.

Anonymous; the only human in Equestria, leads a mild-manner life as a simple grunt working for the Ponyville Natural History Museum. And boy, is he bored of it. The whimsy of living in Equestria has come and gone, and now it's just the same old-same old. But that all changes when the museum gets a hold of new exhibit: a draconequus statue. Surely nothing bad could possibly happen involving something like that. Right...?

Published 2014-03-05 02:50:08 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-29 05:47:45 UTC

Chapter 1: Dream Weaver

Ah, another oh-so EXCITING day in the world of a...museum curator! Hell, that wasn't even close to accurate for your actual job. You're just the human who can lift some of the bigger crates easier and work a crowbar without chipping a tooth. Dust those scrolls, Anonymous. Polish these manticore bones, Anonymous. A glorified maid almost. Luckily, simple denim jeans and plain t-shirt was an acceptable uniform to these ponies and there was no frilly, black French outfit awaiting you in the future.

You chuckle to yourself. This job didn't pay that well...

These kinds of thoughts always ran through your head when your shift was almost done. Not that you really had much to actually do when you were off work. At least not anymore. Sure, when you had first arrived in Equestria over 3 years ago there was a sense of wonder and excitement. Talking, pastel ponies! Magic! Princesses of the Sun and Moon! And they were dying to know all about you!

But now?

Equestria was...dull. Your friends had jobs and responsibilities the same as if they were on Earth. They couldn't go on crazy misadventures every day. And you certainly couldn't learn magic. Even if you could what were you going to do? Do your best impression of Merlin?  And the simple novelty of you yourself had just become another standard in Ponyville. It was almost...depressing. To be in this world and have it be so...run-of-the-mill. What you would do for a little excitement. For a little chaos.

"Anonymous!" That was...?

"Twilight? What are you doin' here?" you ask as you rest your hands on the broom you had been using to tidy up.

Though it wasn't all that surprising the purple unicorn was there. She did this from time to time. And she was the only friend of yours that came to the museum by choice after all. Rarity whined about dust. Fluttershy was terrified by the skeletal displays. Applejack and Rainbow Dash were in agreement that the museum was the most boring thing that ever was. And Pinkie Pie? Banned for life. As for why? No one talks about that day in Ponyville. So Twilight Sparkle was a closer friend than the others.

"Why am I here?! How can you not know why I'm here?!" she said in a tizzy.

"Uh... Ok, Twi, you're starting to scare me. Even more then that time you strapped a colander to my head and told me not to worry about lethal electrocution."

"Are you -still- sore about that? Look, that's not important right now! The important thing here is the newest display the museum is getting!"

New display? You weren't aware of anything new coming in. But...you did sometimes skip the morning meetings to...catch a nap in the store room. But this was far from the first new addition to the old museum and Twilight wasn't half as excited for those as she was this. This had to be something huge.

"So spill, purplemagic, what's coming to our little dustbin? Not another hydra skeleton I hope. Four heads, Twilight. Four. And the curator wouldn't let me go home until each one was on the 'correct' neck."

"Nothing like that at all, Anonymous! They found another one!"

"Another what?"

"Another draconequus!"

"A draco-whatnow?"

Twilight rolled her eyes and heaved a sigh of disappointment. "Honestly Anonymous, you never did listen to me. Think now, a draconequus. I've talked to you about them before."

Chances are Twilight DID talk to you about...whatever these were, but Twilight talked about a lot of stuff. Sometimes really boring stuff... Come on, Anon, think. If you can't remember you can expect another famous lecture from Ponyville's own OCD unicorn.

"Uh... A draconequus is...a kind of...pastry?"

Twilight is completely deadpan.

"...Yes Anon, a draconequus is a pastry. That's being brought here to be put on display. Good work."

"Anon do good?" The broom that was in your hands is telekinetically jerked away and you get a face full of bristles as Twilight smacks you in your smart mouth.

"No. Anon do bad."

You cough and wipe the dust and grim from your face. She never could take a joke.

"Oh come on, Twi. Cut me some slack. Like I can remember every little factoid you tell me. Just tell me already."

You go back to sweeping as Twilight huffs, her cheeks getting puffy and the color rising in her features.

"Ugh! Discord, you memory-deficient monkey! Now are any bells ringing in that head?"

Discord? Discord... That did sound familiar.

"You...mean that statue? In the gardens? Kinda looked like a thrown together assortment of animal parts? The one you would not shut up about?"

Twilight smiles brightly and trots over next to you. She unexpectedly gets up on her hind legs and quickly pats you on the head, well, she does her best to try.

"Now Anon do good."

"Har har har har. Very cute. So anyways, they what, found another draco-whatever statue?"

The unicorn giddily nods. "Uh-huh. And Ponyville has got the honor of being the one to display it! It's just so exciting!"

You shrug. You worked in museum and found some of the stuff a bit interesting but you didn't get a raging nerd-boner like Twilight did. You could almost swear that horn of hers grew and throbbed when there was new knowledge about. This statue would just be another thing to spiffy up and wipe off the occasional mustache drawn on it by a wise-ass kid. Or you when the mood would strike you.

"Well, I'm glad you're excited Twi. Someone should be. When's it supposeta get here anyways?"

"Today." she said matter-of-factly.

"Today today?"

"No, tomorrow today. Of course today today."

The color drains from your face. You needed to get out of here, now.

"Gotta go, Twilight!" You give the unicorn a quick, curt farewell and make for the back of the museum.

"Wha? A-Anonymous where are you rushing off to?" Twilight was already trotting after you.

Can't answer. Answering could mean losing time. And that would mean...

"Yes, Anonymous, where are you going?"

SIXTY DONKYS

Mission failed. How did he always know? You sigh and pinch the bridge of your nose.

"And just what was that about?" Twilight panting slightly, came up behind you.

She didn't want to know...

"It's...him."

"Who?"

Soon enough the answer to her question came into view from around a corner.

"Good evening, Anonymous. Now what's this about needing to leave?"

"Hey... Curator Memento."

Your boss. The curator of the relatively-new Ponyville Museum. Curator Memento. He was an older stallion, a beige sort-of color with his mane neat and trimmed and entering its salt-and-pepper stage. And those glasses...always on his face and always obscuring his eyes with a bizarre ever-present glare. His cutie mark was a pickax and chisel, you came to the conclusion he was an archeologist in his younger days not long after you met him.

"Answer my question please, Anonymous." Twilight was keeping quiet as Memento spoke and he didn't even acknowledge her presence.

"I...was gettin' ready to punch out, boss. My shift is practically up." Maybe he'd be in one of his giving moods this time?

"Ooh... I'm sorry, Anonymous. But I'm afraid you'll need to stay late tonight."

Every. Time. Guys name should be Clockwork. You don't know if he hates you or is just stuffy and unpleasant or whatever. But every time you think he'll give you a break he proves otherwise.

"But...Yes, sir. Can I at least ask what I'll be doing?"

"Why of course. You'll be unboxing, setting up, cataloging, and cleaning our newest acquisition; the draconequus statue."

So basically all the work. Again. Maybe you ARE the actual curator... And another late night in the dustbin...

You turn and give Twilight a small smile and salute before trudging off to the loading dock.

"Um... H-Have a nice night, Anon. I'll see you tomorrow."

You wave over your shoulder.

"Excuse me...miss?"

"Oh! I'm Twilight Sparkle. Pleased--

"Yes, Miss Spackle. I'm afraid we'll be closing in a few moments. I'll have to ask you to leave."

"It's Spark--Hey!"

You glance back and see Memento following after you, completely blowing off Twilight. And that's why you never introduced the guy, Twi.

This box. Weighs. A ton.

They meant stone statue, right? Not one made of solid damn iron? Even with the dolly this was a slow going process. Gradually you make your way to the new display; a moderately-sized platform made of oak and blocked-off with velvet ropes. The platform was littered with some small boulders and fake grasses; give it a more natural look you suppose. Pretty swanky for a statue, at least in this museum. And you put that display area up yourself you're quick to remember. Your back is going to revolt at this rate. With a groan you bring the dolly to a halt on the platform and the mammoth crate comes to a rest. Cracking your back and neck, you grab your crowbar and wonder, for just a moment, how much punishment a wooden box can take from one of these things. You shake your head of the distracting thoughts and jam the crowbar into the box. You grit your teeth and pull, the sound of creaking wood filling your ears.

Soon enough you hear the familiar pop you were waiting for and wipe the sweat from you brow. You repeat the process on the other corner of the box until it's loose enough to slip your fingers inside and pull it apart. The front of the crate falls to the ground and you get your first look at this oh-so important statue. It's far from impressive. At least to you. It's a dull, giant hunk of stone with what looks like a head sticking out of it. Some statue. It...looked female. True, it did look a little like that Discord statue but this wasn't nearly as off-putting as him. It actually looked kinda sweet, like it was sleeping. A peaceful look on the creatures face. You couldn't really tell what the rest of it looked like. Its body mostly encased in the rock. Also looked even heavier than you thought it would be.

Stifling another groan you pulled the dolly inside the crate and began the task of getting the 'statue' out. After what seemed like hours the draconequus statue was in its proper place in the center of the display platform. You began to clean up, removing the remains of the crate and the like. If you were lucky you might be able to make it back home before 1 am.

"Dumb hunk of junk."

At least you were done. Still this cost you a nice, relaxing night of not doing any heavy-lifting. Grumbling, you kick the time-stealing statue and start to walk away. That's when you what sounds like cracking rock. And then you see it; minute, spidery cracks forming on the stone. And then...pieces start falling off.

BAD

BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD

VERY BAD

In a frantic panic you rush over to the statue and fruitlessly begin trying to WILL the rock pieces to stay put by wildly slapping at it with your hands.

Naturally, it does precisely dick.

More cracks are appearing, more chucks start to fall off, and your job is circling the bowl.

"Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshiiiiiiiiiiit!" Fitting choice of words.

With your hands still on the hunk of crumbling stone you notice it's growing...warm to the touch. And the cracking sound is getting louder and louder. That can NOT possibly be good. Before you have a chance to make tracks you see, for the briefest of moments, a flash of brilliant white light. Then a monstrous crack resounds, followed by boom. You're flying through the air at the point when the boom registers in your ears. You land with a thud on some of the velvet ropes and strongly consider new career choices as bits of rock and dust rain down on you. Wincing slightly you look up from your not-so plush spot on the ground and see the 'statue' is gone.

In its place...is the owner of that sweet, peaceful face. Except now it's not sweet or peaceful. It looks pissed. The creature; the draconequus, notices you gawking at it and smirks. It ain't the friendly kind of smirk. Faster than you can think it's on top of you, a lion's paw wrapped around your throat.  Its...bizarrely cobbled-together body really DOES remind you of Discord's statue. Even the size. She easily towers over you. Flicking its snowy-white hair aside the draconequus leans down until it's just about touching noses with you. That smirk is still on her face.

"Mmm... What do we have here?" The voice was just a whisper but it was so...sultry. "I don't recognize this kind of form..."

Using that eagle's talon of hers she drew a line down from your forehead to your lips. This could be...well, a lot of things. Bad, most likely.

"Wonder how long you'll last." Last? For what...?

You try to speak for the first time since this thing pounced but you're distracted by two things. The first; that pissy-looking, but still kinda sweet face was replaced by a new set of expressions: Gleefully insane. And the second? That eagle's talon was now crackling was some kind of purplish-pink energy. And just inches from your head. Yep. Bad things...

NOW THINK YOU FUCK. THIS THINGS GOT GOD-KNOWS-WHAT CHARGING IN THAT CLAW

But try what? She's already proven she's faster and stronger than you. Try something! Anything before you're tuned into vapor!

"W-What's that behind you?!" You suddenly shout and point behind the draconequus.

So. Fucking. Smooth. There's no way she'll--

"Ooh! What? What? I don't see anything! Where is it, where is it! I wanna see!"

She did. She actually fell for it. She actually let go of you and floated off of you to look around. That's... This is...

A CHANCE

TAKE IT

Not wasting anymore time you spring to your feet and race off towards the mess of hallways and storerooms that made up the bulk of the back of the museum.

"Wha? Hey! That's not very nice you know! Making me look like an idiot! That's not how you treat a lady!"

You can hear the draconequus hollering after your retreating form. No time for a witty retort. You just focus on running. You barrel around a corner and make for the nearest room you can find. Not caring what the room might be you throw the door open and hide inside, slumping against the door in exhaustion. Seems it was an old office. There were countless cobwebs everywhere and a layer of dust coating everything. Taking a deep breath you try and collect yourself. Hopefully she wouldn't find you. Not like she knew the layout of the museum. She'd get lost on the same-y corridors.

"Now I can see what Twilight meant about these draconequus'. They're...fruitcakes. Just what was she gonna do to me...?"

"You always talk to yourself? S'bad habit, dude."

"Yeah, Twilight...tells...me..." You freeze and slowly crane your head upwards.

And looking down at you is the draconequus, with a big smile on her face. She didn't seem all that put off by the fact that she was sticking out of the door. Like she had...phased through it.

"Whaaaaaaaaah!" You scream and reach for the doorknob.

"Hey, whoa, wait a minute!" The head above is protesting something but you don't care and you swing the door open. "I said--ooof!"

You hear the thud as you scamper out of the room. Did you just...make her slam face-first into the wall? That wasn't going to help her mood... No time to worry about that now! Find another hiding place! Not that it really matters if she can phase through solid matter... Maybe she's like a cat or shark or something and that blow to the nose could mess with her senses?

WORKS FOR YOU

You sprint down another hallway and bust into another room through a set of double doors: the cafeteria. You glance around and see the place is empty. The other employees must have left just before...she woke up. You head to the kitchen to slip through another exit. Just as you get behind the counter you hear the double doors open. You quickly duck down and hide. Three guess as to who it is.

"I know you're in here!" Of course it's her. "That really hurt back there! My delicate little nose..."

You peek out from behind the counter and see her gently rubbing her nose with her lions paw. Almost...cute. Maybe if she wasn't set on doing...whatever it was she planning to do it would be anyways. You slide back under the counter and cautiously creep towards the ovens. You can hear the draconequus' footfalls lightly echoing off the floor. As long as she didn't head to the opposite end of the counter... As if she could read your thoughts you could hear her moving right to the other end.

"Shit..." You quietly curse and start to trek back the other way.

"Now where are you? Here maybe?" She looks under the counter and right at you. Thankfully it's pretty dark in the cafeteria right now so she doesn't see you.

"Hmm. Here then?"

You see her look inside a refrigerator. She doesn't actually use the handle though. She did that weird phase-thing again.

"Nope. Not there... Weirdo thing..." She waves her eagle's claw over the fridge and...it turned into potted plant with what looked like candy growing on it. "Much better."

Looking happy with herself the draconequus grabs a piece of the candy and pops it into her mouth.

"Mmm~ Caramel. Let's try...here!" Grabbing the ovens you were heading for she pushes them apart from one another like they were curtains. "Ah-ha! There--Oh. Not here either. Man...getting a little angry."

You don't want to see angry. Not if it's anything like before. As delicately as possible you begin to crawl back towards the double doors. Just a few more feet... Almost there... You get to your feet; reach for the handle and...

"There you are~"

Of course.

Her sing-song voice comes from behind. You turn around and see the draconequus coolly striding towards you. Her claw is crackling again.

"I'm a little upset with all this running. So I think I'll just blast you here and now." She raises her claw to you, and that smirk from earlier comes back.

Think, think, think, think, think!

She won't fall for the same trick twice. There has to be something you-- Wait... What's that smell?

"W-Wait!" You put up your hands as if they could stop whatever she was going to send your way.

"Oh, puh-leaze. Like I'm gonna fall for that again. Do I look stupid?"

"No, really, wait! Don't you smell that? It's gas!"

"...Gas? What is...gas?"

Seriously?

"You...You don't know what gas is? It's, uh, well, look I can't give you the long of it! Just don't blast me with anything! Who knows what it could do to the gas!"

The draconequus mulls over the idea. She purses her lips and taps her chin. Finally, she nods to herself. Does that mean?

"Yeah, no. Not tricking me again. Hot stuff comin' your way!" She fires whatever energy was building in her claw.

You're already past the doors at this point. You can hear her laughing before you notice the hallway is getting very hot. A gigantic explosion rocks the museum. The double doors' flying off the hinges and a massive fireball screams out from the cafeteria. The force of it all punts you through the air head over heels before violently coming to a stop when you smash into a wall at the far end of the hallway. You're swimming for a few moments before your head gets clear and you pry yourself from the wall.

Impressive imprint you made...

Wiping the soot from your face you carefully walk back towards the ruined cafeteria. The fire still raging prevents you from getting any closer, but there's no sign of the draconequus.

"Damn... Oh well, I did warn her. Too bad, she was kinda cute." You bow your head for a moment of silence. "And the moments passed. Time for me to get the hell outta here."

You start down the blacked hallway, partly relived this is over and partly sad to see the draconequus vaporize herself. As you walk you swear you can hear...coughing.

No way.

You duck around a corner and look back to the inferno. She just couldn't. A vague shape starts to form on the other side of the flames. But that's... Sauntering out of the fire was draconequus. Dirty with soot and looking more agitated then before but there she was in one piece.

"Is she freaking indestructible?!"

With an annoyed expression on her face the draconequus licked the thumb and forefinger of her lions paw and used it to put out a small flame that had caught on her hair.

"Ok. So, he was right about the gas stuff. I learned something today. I should return the favor..."

That claw sparked up again. That was your que.

With the fire and general havoc going on you managed to slip out of the museum without further incident. You walk across the simple courtyard of the museum and contemplate things. Namely, how this incident was totally going to be blamed on you... You just know it. Maybe you should be equally worried about the draconequus though. You did release her. Do you have some sort of responsibility for her?

...

Nope.

But...ugh, she could hurt someone with that temper of hers. Not to mention those powers. But how could you stand up to her?

"No. More. Running."

Such. Poor. Timing.

You spin around and see the draconequus floating in the air not far from you. She's glaring at you. Why do you feel like apologizing all of a sudden? She gently hovers downward until she's right in front of you though she's...shrunk? She's eye to eye with you now instead of lumbering over you.

"Well? Any more tricks or excuses? Gonna run?" It almost sounded like...she didn't want you to run, and not for the obvious reasons.

"N-No. I'm...not gonna run." A look of genuine surprise flashed across the draconequus' face.

"Are you...standing up to me?"

"Uh...yes? I mean, yeah, I am. Dunno HOW I could even consider it with you being so powerful, but if you plan on leavin' here to terrorize Ponyville; my home, you can think again."

"And where did this...bravery come from?" Good fucking question lady. "Well... In that case..."

Now her whole body was crackling and sparking with energy and power. And she had returned to her giant size. This was it... You clamp your eyes shut and wait for the pain...

Pffffffffftttttttttbbbbbbbbbhhhhhh

A...balloon deflating noise?

You crack your eyes open and she the draconequus has shrunk back down to being eye-level with you. And she looks...happy?

What?

No really, what?

"Boy, that was fun!" She had her arms behind her head and looked the picture of casual and cool. "You can settle down now, dude. I'm not gonna hurt you. I was just teasing."

"Teasing? That...was teasing? You...You are..."

"Eris."

"Eris?"

"My name? Duh." Your head. Your poor head. "Heheheh. I know I just woke up and all, but I'm getting kinda sleepy. So...goodnight." With a simple and polite bow Eris melted into the ground and vanished.

You were speechless. And the world was getting very blurry now. You grabbed at your aching head and tried to get your balance but your knees had other plans. They buckled under you and you fell onto your back. The night sky was overhead, beautiful and dotted with stars.

That's it...

This had to be a dream. A crazy dream. So...tired...just rest...your eyes for a minute. You'd wake up in bed soon enough. And then you could tell this nutty story to Twilight and everyone. And everyone would laugh and laugh.

Yeah.

What a out-there dream, they would say...

"...nymous! Anonymous! Please, wake up!"

"Twi...light? What...happened?" Twilight was hovering over you with tears in her eyes. She didn't answer the question instead she tightly hugged you and sniffled into your shoulder.

"Anonymous I was so worried! I thought...you were... But you're not! You're alive!"

"I...won't be for much longer if you...don't let me breathe..." You were turning the same shade of purple as the unicorn.

"Oh! Sorry!" Twilight lets you go and you gasp for air.

"S'okay Twi, but what the hell am I doing out here?"

"That's what I want to know! I heard this terrible rumble coming from this direction last night and I rushed over. When I arrived I saw you passed out here on the ground and the museum was on fire!"

Rumble? Fire?

"I was just out here? How long was I out? I mean, the sun is already up."

"I don't have a clue. I was here with you all night though, along with the firefighters and some paramedics."

"Thanks Twilight." You hug her again and she sniffles a little.

"You're welcome. But can you remember anything from before?

"I...remember being in the cafeteria. And gas, I think."

"Gas? Oh my--There must have been a gas leak! You must have smelled it and ran from the museum before the fire started. You're lucky to be alive!" Gas explosion? Yeah... That made sense. "Gas -can- affect the memory. No wonder you don't recall much."

But what about...Eris? Was she real?

"Twilight, what about the draconequus statue? The one that arrived last night?"

"It's too bad... It looks like it was destroyed in the fire. All they found was pieces of rock."

Destroyed? So...Eris was just a dream? An illusion caused by gas? Funny how the mind puts things together.

"Well, thanks again purplemagic, for lookin' out for me. But now all I want is to go home."

"Can't say I blame you. I'll walk you home."

"Nah, that's ok. You were with me all night. You should go home yourself."

"But I'm not--" Twilight loudly yawns. And then covers a blush.

"See?"

"Ok, ok, I'll go home myself. But you be careful, Anonymous. Don't need you collapsing again."

"Right, right." You pat the unicorn on the head and start off towards your humble home, not more than a 20 minute walk into Ponyville.

"Oh! Anonymous, I forgot to tell you the fire chief will be by your place later to talk about the fire. Don't forget, alright?"

You gave her a little wave, letting her know message received. You couldn't wait to get home and crawl into an actual bed. Then you could spend the rest of the day worrying about what you were going to do for a job and beating arson charges.

Terrific.

As you walk through the streets of Ponyville you think back to Eris--to the draconequus. That was...some dream. You can even remember her voice and her face. The pretty face with the fetching red eyes and cute smile with the adorable fang longer than the other. And that voice was...well, putting it bluntly it was sex. She practically fucked your ear holes every time she spoke.

You shake your head.

Ok, enough thinking about the dream girl. She didn't even exist. Focus on the important things; like the rent you won't be able to pay next month. You sigh heavily. So it was either delusional thoughts or depressing ones. Easy to decide which one then...

With a slight grunt you push the door to your home open. Damn door always stuck. You go to the kitchen to get a drink before heading up to bed. You grab a bottle of milk out of the refrigerator and start to chug it. You eye the oven warily

"Stop being paranoid..." You put the bottle back in the fridge and groggily trudge upstairs.

You push the door to your bedroom open and smile.

Bed. Sweet, wonderful bed.

The only love you'll ever need. That comfy and plush bitch. You kick off your shoes, not bothering with taking off your socks or any other articles of clothes. That can wait for when you wake up. With a blissful smile on your face you pull the sheets back on your bed and turn to stone.

Not literally, but you frozen in place. Smile and all.

Lying there on your bed was...Eris. She was snoring softly and curled up almost like a cat. She...even pawed at something gingerly. Still in shock you fail to notice that Eris has opened her eyes ever so slightly. Like a child she rubs at the sleep in her eyes and stretches. Letting loose with a yawn to boot.

"Well, good morning." Even just woken up with hair a mess and dozy eyes her voice was still...

"I...I...I...You...You're real." You finally snap out of it and stumble backwards a bit.

"Course I am. What? Did you think I was some kind of...dream girl?" Your jaw is on the floor. Giggling to herself Eris crawled to the foot of the bed and looked up at you with those red eyes of hers. "This is no dream, dude."

She playfully slapped your jaw back into place.

"Face it, tiger...you just hit the jackpot!"

Chapter 2: Jackpot of Crazy

"Jackpot?! Lady, you tried to kill me!"

Eris rolled onto her back and wagged her tail just a bit. She grinned just slightly.

"Told you, I was just playing." She batted at the hem of your t-shirt.

"In that case you play way, -way- too rough."

You smack at her...hands? Claws? Whatever. You smacked them away from your shirt. Eris pouts, but it's quickly replaced by a smirk. Flapping her differing wings Eris floated up from your bed meeting you at eye-level, though she was upside-down now. She just hovered there, not saying a word just...smirking.

"What?"

"What?"

"Seriously Eris, what are you doing?"

"Seriously Eris, what are you doing?"

Cute. Not.

"Come on, knock it off."

"Come on knock it off."

Did she think this was funny? You smirk back at her and flick her on the nose. She squeaked in surprise and dropped down to the floor.

"That's not funny! It's still sensitive!" Eris rubbed her nose and huffed.

Oh right... You did kind of slam her face into a wall. Totally her fault though. Shouldn't have phased through the damn door and scared--startled you. Still huffing Eris fluttered to her, uh, feet and glared at you.

"You're lucky you're cu--" Whatever she was going to say was cut by a sudden, quick knocking on your front door.

"Shit!" You curse aloud as you wonder who it could possibly be. Wait...

FIRE CHIEF

"SHIT!"

Eris looks confused at the outburst but you don't give her a chance to say anything.

"You!" You pointed at her in an overdramatic fashion. Eris playfully pointed at herself and mouthed the word 'me?' "Stay here. Do. Not. Do. Anything. Funny."

She was about to protest but you were already flying down the stairs to answer the persistent knocking. With a deep, claming breathe you steady yourself and put on your best fake smile and open the door.

"Hello!"

Scale back on the cheery.

You clear your throat and adjust the volume. "I mean, -ahem-, hello there. Can I, uh, can I help you?"

Standing there was an older stallion with an arched eyebrow. He was an old, grizzled bastard from the looks of it. His mane was buzzed short and straight, with steely gray running up into the jet black from the trimmed sideburns. His coat looked like leather, both in color and most likely feel. The scowl on his face looked like it had been there for years. And his cutie mark resembled an alarm-bell. This was all rounded-out by the crisp white collared dress shirt and black tie.

"Yes... I'm looking for a Mr. Anonymous." Gah, his voice was like chucks of hot asphalt and broken glass.

You could feel your spine breaking.

"Um, I'm Mr. Anonymous." With that question answered the stallion wasted no time in brushing past you and into your home. "Uh, come in?"

"I assume you know why I'm here, Mr. Anonymous."

Oh, you had an idea.

"I think so Mr..." You motion towards the stallion, him having forgone giving his name right away.

"Five Alarm; Ponyville fire chief."

"Chief Five Alarm, then." He grunts curtly and proceeds to stare you down.

"I'll be blunt Mr. Anonymous you are under suspicion of arson. Care to convince me otherwise?"

"Well I--FUCK." You slap you hand over your mouth as you see Eris drift down from out of the ceiling and behind the chief.

The chief is obviously confused and peeks behind himself only to see nothing. Eris melted into the floor a second before. But the moment he turned back to face you she popped back up behind him again. Grinning like a fool. She... Just what is she going to do?!

"I mean, excuse me, chief I...er, never mind. Thought I saw a spider. A big one. A big -annoying- one."

"Yes... Indeed, but please, your statement."

"R-Right..."

You tell the events as best as you can remember. And by that you mean you lie through your teeth. And all the while Eris is making funny faces and mocking the chief behind his back. You are giving her a death-glare which only makes her grin harder. After a few minutes you're done telling  the chief your half-truth.

"Hmm, I see. You're lucky to be alive, young col--man. But be careful at your next place of employment, you hear? Keep away from ovens."

You nervously laugh as Chief Five-Alarm begins trotting to the door to let himself out. Eris continues to make faces and tries to get under you skin. At the last moment the chief swings around and Eris zips back into the ceiling.

"Have a nice day, Mr. Anonymous."

You gulp hard and give a shaky nod. And then he leaves without another word. You dash to a nearby window and watch him walk off for awhile. Once he's out of sight you heave a sigh of relief before you feel your blood pressure skyrocket.

"ERIS!"

Tittering like a schoolgirl Eris drifted down from the ceiling before bursting into full guffawing. Holding her sides she wriggled in the air and cackled.

"What was that about you crazy snake-thing!"

Wiping a tear away Eris did her best to stop laughing. "Hee hee hee, it was just too good an opportunity to pass up!"

You groan and ground your face into your palm.

"Name's Anonymous huh."

"What?"

"Your name. You never told me before. Rude much?"

"Uh, didn't I?"

"Come on, it was funny. Admit it, Anon." casually, Eris floated over to you and draped herself over your shoulder.

She absentmindedly draws little circles on your cheek. Well...it was kind of funny. If it wasn't such a serious accusation! In slight aggravation you pull Eris off your shoulders and stomp off to the couch.

"Look Eris, that was serious. THIS is serious. I can't explain you away easily. What would have happened if he saw you? Draconequus' aren't exactly common, you know."

Rolling her eyes Eris sauntered over to the couch and took a seat next to you.

"You worry to much, dude."

"Something tells me you don't worry enough..." Eris giggles at what's most likely a dead-on assumption.

"Seriously Eris, this is a big problem for me, You could at least try to empathize."

"...Emp-whatnow?"

You groan and slump into the couch a little more. You've known Eris all of 10 minutes and you could already tell that was a very Eris thing to say.

"Need to relax, Anon. Kick back and enjoy things."

"Easy for you to say, what with magic powers and god-knows-what else."

"Yeah, kinda is. Hee hee."

Why was Eris being so nice anyways? Fact was, she -did- try to kill you. Teasing or not. And now she's all chummy. Women; no matter what species they're confusing. Though better sweet than blast-happy. You were to tired to think on the mysteries of female behavior. You needed sleep. Peaceful sleep, not I-blacked-out-due-to-stress-sleep.  You rub your face and get up from the couch.

"Hey. Where are you going?"

"To bed. I'm exhausted."

"Oooh. Hmm, I'll join you."

"Ok. ...Wait. What?" Your tiredness must be affecting your hearing.

"I said I'll join you. The bed is comfy~"

"You won't take no for an answer I'll bet."

"How did you know?" Eris gasped and acted shocked.

You just roll your tired eyes and head back upstairs with Eris tittering behind you.

"Now, you've been in my bed already so you know how small it is. So, do me a favor and don't kick me out when you sleep or something."

"I would never. I'm like a statue when I sleep."

If she was still a statue you wouldn't be in this mess to begin with... Groaning you climb into bed and Eris does the same. You fall asleep the moment your head hits the pillow. Your dreams are utter nonsense. Something about Eris dressed like a pirate. And Applejack was a cop of some sort. Rainbow Dash was...a bashful, shy mess and Twilight was a nutty, mad scientist type. Utter nonsense. Well, except for maybe that last bit with Twilight... Your dream is interrupted by another round of knocking coming from downstairs.

"Ugh... What now..." You mumbled into your pillow and glanced at the alarm clock on the night stand.

It read 7:15.

Oh boy  you really overslept. You throw off the covers and try and swing your legs over the edge of the bed only to tumble out of the bed completely. You land with a dull thud, and quiet curse, on the floor. You look down at your legs and see that...Eris had coiled around you partially. ...Sweet fuck, that is adorable.

NO.

Don't be fooled by this insanely cute display. She could have been trying to eat you alive while you were asleep. Well... Probably not. But you can't be too careful! With a grunt of effort you try and free yourself from Eris' tight squeeze. Good god, she's wound around you tightly... You pull till you're red in the face. You haven't as much as budged an inch. Crazy snake-thing... Eris is snoring loudly, drool dribbling out of her mouth and onto the floor. She's completely oblivious to your plight. You had a feeling even if she was awake she'd be oblivious... You grunt and strain against the coils and finally one leg pops free. You nearly belted yourself in the face with your knee but you're free. After the first leg the other was easily  removed from the constricting clutches of Eris. ...It -was- kinda nice to be bundled up like that though...

You hold your face in your hands and sigh. You don't remember having a bondage kink earlier in life. The knocking from downstairs snaps you out your stupid thoughts. Stupid, stupid thoughts... You hobble downstairs to answer the door, grumbling under your breathe about a number of things. In your sleep-haze you don't recognize that it's Twilight standing there in the doorway until she waves a hoof in front of your face.

"Hello, Anonymous? Anyone home in there?"

"Oh, Twi. Uh, hey. What's up? What's goin' on?"

"You ok Anonymous? You seem out of it."

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, 'M'fine. I was just sleepin'. Come in."

Twilight trots in and thanks you. You shamble into the kitchen for a drink to wake you up. Unfortunately, pony sodas lacked the amount of caffeine you were accustomed to but they got the job done. You grabbed a bottle of Dr. Whooves  from the fridge and cracked it open, guzzling the contents in one big gulp.

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp

"Charming." Twilight chided from the living room.

"You thought it was plenty funny before."

You could just tell she rolled those big purple eyes of hers right then. You walk back into your living room to see Twilight seated on the couch. You join her, giving her a quick pat on the head.

"So what's the troubles, bubbles?"

"Well, I was curious if the fire chief came by and if he did how it went."

You explained to the unicorn that she didn't have to worry about visiting you behind plate-glass anytime soon. She heaved a sigh of relief.

"Thank goodness. I was worried all day today. But that makes what -I- have to say all the happier though."

"And what's that?"

"Get cleaned up and presentable, Anonymous. We're going to a party."

"A what-now?"

"A party. Parties are a social gathering to which people are invited in order to enjoy themselves and often celebrate something."

"Charming."

"You thought it was before." You couldn't help but chuckle when Twilight smirked and fired back with the same line you just used.

"So when? Like tomorrow? A week from now?"

"Did you not hear me when I said get dressed? Pinkie's starting the party in an hour."

"Oh. ... An hour?!" You bolted upright off the couch.

"That's right, an hour. Why in the world are you freaking out?"

LIE

LIE LIKE THE WIND

"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuh, I'm...not freaking out. It's just...my...pants, are dirty? Yeah, that should work."

"Uh...huh. You mean to tell me you have nothing clean to wear?"

Twilight arched an eyebrow over the BS story.

"Yeeeeees?"

You are the master. The Lie Master. Fear the Lie Master.

"Riiiiight. I find that hard to believe. Very hard to believe."

The Lie Kingdom is coming down around the Lie Master ears! Soon, the head of the Lie Master would be paraded through the streets on a wooden spike...

"Weeeeeell, it's the truth. I can't go to a par-tay with nothin' to wear. Rarity would pitch a fit sooooooo..."

Twilight was stone-faced. You could feel the sweat beading up on your forehead. You gulped hard and put on your best smile.

"I'm going upstairs to find you something. The fire and gas -obviously- did something to that brain of yours." Twilight hopped off the couch and made for the stairs.

You bolted in front of her like a bat out of hell.

"Nononononononono, that's ok."

"Anonymous, seriously, you are acting bizarre right now."

You can only imagine... But you can't let purplesmart upstairs to find...her.

"You know what Twilight, you're right. I'm positive I have something decent to throw on. It just slipped my mind. I'll, uh, go get ready now. See you in an hour, kay?"

"Well, I can just wait--" You didn't give Twilight the chance to finish, you practically shoving her out the door. "Anonymous, what are you doing?! Stop pushing!"

SLAM

"SeeyouinanhourTwibye!" You shouted through the door and waited for Twilight to walk off.

She mumbled something about humans and you could hear the clops of her hooves moving away from your place. You sighed and pushed off the door, running a hand through your hair at the same time. FanTAStic. A party. You had to make an appearance. It wasn't up for debate. The last time you didn't show up to one of Pinkie's parties she sulked for 3 weeks straight. But that would mean leaving Eris unattended, the crux of this whole issue.  That had disaster and catastrophe written all over it. Although...maybe she was sleeping? She looked like she was sleeping like the dead when you last saw her. Yeah... Yeah, that's it! You'll get spruced up, go to the party for like an hour or two, and be back before she wakes up. It's bulletproof!

"Mmm, I heard party. Eris likes to party-hearty. I can move these hips like you wouldn't believe."

RAINING FUCKING BULLETS WAS NOW THE FORECAST

Metaphorically, of course.

Eris came floating down from the ceiling again, rocking what passed for hips back and forth.

"No way in hell."

"Wha?"

"You ain't going to -any- party. Ain't no way, ain't no how."

"Oh, is that a fact?" Eris narrowed her eyes at you.

You gulped hard again. Easy Anonymous, easy. Eris -seemed- to responded positively to being stood up to. Like back at the museum. Or maybe that was all a ploy. Hell if you knew.

"Y-Yeah, that's a fact. Nothing's changed, Eris. I can't let you just party in town because you feel like it. You. Are. A. Secret. Here. Now, I'm going to go to this party but only for a little bit, ok? Please, -PLEASE-, don't do anything...foolish while I'm gone."

Eris hadn't taken her eyes off you during your whole take, nor did she say a word. The way she could switch between cute and cold was a little unnerving. You walked past her to get upstairs, expecting at any moment for her to sink that one long fang into your neck. But that never happened. Feeling a shiver run up your spine once you were in your bedroom, you grabbed some clean clothes and readied a shower.

"No one tells me what to do... We'll just see about this little party, Anon..."

Chapter 3: Party Hard

Presentable, that's you! Amazing what a little hot water and a comb can do. You were dressed in your best, well, t-shirt and jeans. Not like Pinkie's parties were all that formal anyways... You went the extra mile with tucking in your shirt as you came down the stairs though. Suave. Eris was sitting cross-legged on the couch with her arms folded over her chest. She looked...miffed.

"Uh...you okay?"

"Fine."

Oh sure, fine. Totally didn't sound icy as all get out...

"You, uh, you sure?"

"I'm sure."

Then why are you staring a hole into the wall is what you want to say but you decide against it. She might stare a literal hole into -you- if you keep with the questioning.

"Riiiiiiiight... Well. I'm gonna head out now. I'll be back soon. Remember, uh, you stay here."

creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeak

You were almost positive you heard a creaking sound when Eris turned to face you. Like the sound you hear with that first step into a haunted house or something. Had to be your imagination though... Had to be.

"I'll remember."

No smile. No whimsy. Nnnnnnothing. Cool as ice...

"H-Heh. O-Okay. I'm...gonna leave now."

The sweat was beading up on your forehead as you nervously backed up to the door and out of the house proper. Eris never broke eye contact the whole way. With an uneasy chuckle you closed the door behind you and sighed.

"Some party this'll be..."

Sugarcube Corner was already thumping with music and strobing with lights by the time you arrived. This still constituted as a "small" party to Pinkie.  You pushed through the swinging doors and were almost immediately greeted by cries of "Anon!"

"Hello girls!" you greeted back.

"Welcome to the party! Isn't it just the best 'You Didn't Die!' party you've ever seen!" Pinkie giddily jumped up and down, the never-ending supply of sugar in her veins already pumping strong.

"Heh, uh, sure thing Pinkie. It looks great!"

"We're just so glad to see you're unharmed, darling."

"Sure as shoot we are, sugarcube."

You chuckle and give both Applejack and Rarity a pat on the head.

"Watch the mane, darling."

"Oh, Anon!" Fluttershy suddenly hovered in front of your face, looking you over with worry and concern. "Are you okay? Does it hurt anywhere? Here, how many hooves am I holding up?"

"Fluttershy, easy. I'm fine. Just passed out was all. And how many hooves could you possibly hold up anyway?"

"I told her you were fine Anon, but you know how she can get." Twilight cut into the conversation. She smiled and sipped her cup of punch as it hovered in the air.

"I appreciate her concern. ...? Hey, where's--"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanon!"

Before you could respond you felt something slam into your back and send you sprawling to the floor.

"Hi, Dash." Your voice was muffled by the floorboards in your face, but you're sure she heard.

"Dude, I'm so glad you're not a crispy hay-fry!" The pegasus affectionately nuzzled the back of your head.

"You and me both, Dash. Can I get up now?"

"Oh! Uh, y-yeah. Sorry." RD hopped of your back and helped you to your feet.

"Thanks, Dashie." Another pat of the head, which Dash eagerly rubbed into.

Dash was probably your second closest friend after Twilight. Not that you didn't get along with all of them, but yeah. After the gooey welcoming the party got into the swing of things. Drinking punch, playing games, all that. Secretly, you wished Pinkie would throw more...stimulating parties. Something that didn't remind you of a kids birthday party every time. Just a little hard cider and maybe a poker game, that's all your saying. Still, you appreciate the effort Pinkie puts into making sure you had a good time. You chuckle when you see the pink pony balancing the punch bowl on her snout while juggling cupcakes.

"Hahahaa! That is impressive, little pink one!"

Wait.

That sounded like...

Oh FUCK.

You see Eris phase in from the damn ether and you proceed to start the worlds longest spit-take. That was apparently the signal for full-blown panic-mode to start. Ponies running this way and that with Twilight shouting orders while Eris looked genuinely confused. You hacked and coughed, beating on your chest to clear the airways.

"W-Wait! Hold on!" Still wheezing you rushed in front of Eris.

"Anon, what are you doing?! Get out of the way! It's Discord!"

"Uh...are ya sure, Twi? Ah don't remember Discord havin' long hair. And eyelashes."

Eris giggles from behind you and batted those long lashes of hers.

"Listen to AJ, Twilight. This isn't Discord. This is--"

"Eris! The one and only!" To your utter horror and shock she had stuck her head and upper torso through your chest and bowed. She pulled back and you shivered.

"Never do that again."

"Oh get over it, big baby." Eris teased and hung onto your shoulder.

"...Okay, I'm -very- confused right now." Twilight announced with a hoof to her temple. The rest of your friends nodded in agreement.

Guess it was time to explain things. As best as you could, anyway.

"And that's what happened." you say simply.

The ponies around you all had various expressions on their faces. Twilight was the first to speak up.

"So... Disc--Eris, she's the one who set fire to the museum?"

"Well, it -was- an accident."

"I told you I didn't know what gas was!" Eris added.

"My head..." purplesmart rubbed at her temples again.

"Shoot. Whaddya think we should do, Twi?"

"I...I honestly don't know. Anon says it was an accident, and I believe him but..." Twilight cast a well-deserved glare of scrutiny at Eris, who was busy guzzling down the leftover punch.

And then eating the bowl.

More temple rubbing.

"Look, Twilight, Eris... Eris is pretty well-behaved. For the most part. I mean, besides the museum she hasn't caused any problems."

"To be fair I haven't been around all that long yet."

"Not helping."

Twilight was pacing back and forth, trying to think of something. Time to cheat a little...

"Think about it though Twi, with Eris here...you could examine an actual draconequus. I can't think of -any- pony who's had that privilege."

Twilight's ears instantly perked up.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm... That's...very true, Anon. I could write a dissertation!"

Hook, line, and sinker.

"But, oh, what about Princess Celestia? She needs to be informed. It is my duty as her student to keep her abreast of things like this."

Shit, you forgot about Princess White-Rump and Twilight loved playing princesses pet.

"Uh... hows about a deal, hmm? You don't tell Celestia that Eris is here as long as Eris doesn't cause any chaos. That sound good?"

"Not cause chaos?! I-I need chaos to live! Chaos is food!"

"Really?"

"Well. No. But....it's so fun!" Eris whined and pouted.

"Deal with it. You want to go back to being an ornamental garden decoration? Because if Celestia gives Twilight the go that's what'll happen."

Eris grit her teeth and harrumphed.

"She's on-board. What about you, Twilight?"

"All right! You've got a deal, Anon. But one misstep and she goes back into stone."

"Deal." You shake Twilight's hoof and smile at Eris. She rolled her eyes and huffed.

"And girls, you agree with my decision?"

"We differ to your judgment in this sort of matter, darling."

"Yeah. What Rarity said. But you...!" RD rushed up into Eris's face and stared her down. "You cause any problems for Anon and you'll answer to me!"

"Ooooh, I'm -so- scared, cutie~" Eris pinched Dash's cheek and giggled flippantly. RD blushed and zoomed away from Eris as quickly as possible.

"Well. I think that's more than enough excitement for me today."

The ponies all voiced a similar opinion.

Quick hugs and words of thanks were given to Pinkie, who readily accepted the praise.

"What the parties over already? Geez, you're not a very party-hearty bunch." Eris floated over and put her hands on her snake hips.

"Always next time." you try cheering her up.

"Pfft, I guess."

"Don't worry Ericord! I'll be sure to throw you a humdinger of a party soon! You're new in town after all, and I always throw new ponies--discotheques--a super-duper party!"

"It's true, she does."

"I like the pink one the best."

With a grin you leave Sugarcube Corner in tow with Eris, Pinkie waving goodbye. And once outside the same happens with the other ponies. RD gives one more hard-stare at Eris, who girlishly waves back and blushes.

"I-I think it's great you like me, little pegasus, but, oh, I just don't know if I'm ready..." Dash sputtered and flew off, crimson playing at her face. Eris burst out laughing. "That one is so easy to fool with."

A laugh serves as an agreement and you start walking home.

Eris floats after you, playing with her snowy hair.

"Um, so... Why did you stick your neck out for me back there? It's your name on the line as much as my gorgeous butt is. Have you seen it by the way?"

She tried to present what would pass for a rear-end.

"What butt? You're one long fuzzy snake-tube."

"Hey!" she flicks one of your ears with her eagle talon.

"Geh! Easy! And the reason is stood up for you is... Hell if I know."

"Huh? You did it for no reason?"

"There's a reason, I'm sure, but I'm not exactly sure what it is."

"Anon... That's... So chaotic!" Eris hugged you around the neck from behind and lets herself drag across the ground as you walk.

"Eris, leggo."

"Noooo~"

"Eris, please."

"Nuh-uh, Mister!" She nuzzled your cheek and sounds like she's...purring.

You have to fight the heart attack coming on... You just let her cling to you as you continue onwards. The stares of some of the towns-ponies don't detract as much as they probably should.

Home sweet home.

You push the door open and Eris finally lets go. The warmth of her on your back felt nice... Not that you would ever admit it. Not aloud anyway. Eris floated over to the couch and stretched out.

"I dunno if I'm thrilled with being some nerds play-thing."

"Eh, it's not so bad.” you say with a grin and take a seat next to her.

"Speaking from experience?”

"Well... Twilight and I used to date, believe it or not.”

"Whoa, really? You and the poindexter?” Eris arched an eyebrow in surprise.

"Mm-hmm. It was awhile back.”

"Huh. So, why'd you two break-up?”

"We just discovered we're better friends than we were, you know, lovers.”

"Very interesting... So, you have no problems dating outside your species than.” Eris smiled and draped her goat leg over one of your own legs.

"And what do you think yer doin'?”

"Oooh nothing~ Juuuuuuust stretching a little. Getting comfortable.” the draconequus gave you a playful smirk and put her lion's arm around your shoulder.

"Uh-huh. Do I look like I was born yesterday?”

"Now is not the time for such pointless questions, A-non-y-mous~” Eris batted her eyelashes and inched closer, further invading your dwindling personal space.

"Boundaries, snake-tube.” you put a hand to her snout and pushed her back a little. Eris grinned and licked your palm. “Geh! What are you doin'?”

Eris giggled and flitted her tongue much like an actual snake. And lo and behold, it was forked too.

"That's creepy.” you say deadpan.

"Creepy?! You jerk!” In a huff Eris started smacking at you. “What's creepy about me, huh?!”

"Gee, where do I start?” you shouted and shielded yourself from Eris's perturbed blows. Not that they actually hurt much.

A sudden knock at the door interrupted...whatever the hell it was that was happening here.

"Answer the door, jerk-face.”

"Oh yes'm Miss Eris, miss. You wants I should do a dance to while I'm at it, huh masta?”

Your comedic genius was lost on Eris as she just sat there with a confused look on her face. You sighed and got up from the couch, grumbling when you were sure Eris was out of ear-shot.

"Hey, wait a minute. You go head somewhere first.”

"Why?”

"Still a secret to the masses, snake-hips. Remember?”

Eris groaned over-dramatically and floated up and through the ceiling. When the draconequus was clearly gone, you opened the door with a smile. And to your surprise it was Twilight standing there with an exuberant, if not giddy, smile herself. And she had her saddlebags thrown over her back like she was prepared to travel somewhere.

"Oh, Twi. It's you. Uh, did we forget something at Pinkie's or...?”

"Not at all, Anonymous.” the unicorn happily trotted in and glanced around. “Where's Eris?”

"Riiiiiiiiiiiight here!” Eris yelled and sprang up from the floorboards. “What do you need, little unicorn?”

"Oh! Heh. T-There you are.” Twilight clutched at her chest and took a deep breathe after the mild shock. Well, I'll be happy to tell you what I need the second Anonymous brings in the rest of my bags.”

"Rest of...” you poke your head outside and see a mountain of bulging packs and stuffed sacks. “What the hell, Twilight? What is all this?”

"Just bring it all in and I'll explain.” Twilight smiled again and waited for you to get working.

"Christ. Fine, fine...” you eye the mound of god-knows-what and can already feel your back getting sore.

Over the course of the next hour you lugged Twilight's junk into your home. Eris and Twilight were so helpful too, with how they chatted with each other and sat their asses around doing nothing. Women... Finally, the last satchel made its way inside and the prodigious pile of rubbish was in danger of scraping against your ceiling.

"There! Done! Never ask me to do that again.” you say exasperated.

"That's my big strong human.” Twilight chided. Eris narrowed her eyes ever-so-slightly for a moment.

"Now can I know what all this crap is doing in my place?”

"Naturally. These are my research materials, of course. The unicorn said matter-of-factly.

"Research? Wait, now?”

"Oh yes! I intend to start my research on Eris as soon as possible.” Twilight beamed.

Eris floated over next to you and whispered in your ear.

"Hey. Hey Anon. I'm popular.” she cutely bit her lip and waggled her eyebrows.

You grimaced and ran a hand through your hair. Twilight was always...spirited one when it came to nerd-science-stuff.

"Twilight, come on, be practical. It's late. Can't this wait till in the morning? Besides, all yer stuff has taken over my living room.”

"I have just the solution to all these problems. I've been meaning to test it anyways.” Twilight proudly announced.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, yer...experiments have a tendency to, you know, backfire.” you point out.

" Not that often, they don't.” Twilight protested. “Anonymous, trust me, this will work. And all problems will be solved. Especially the issue of where I'd be staying.

"Yeah, the issue of...wait. Staying? Here? Yer staying here?”

Twilight nodded and started trotting towards the staircase, stopping just short of the stairs themselves. She was eyeing what passed for your broom-closet. Her horn lit up and started pulling pieces of some type of machinery out of some of the bags of hers.

"Now, just give me one teeny tiny moment, Anon.” Before you could protest Twilight, and her gaggle of machinery floating around her, headed into your broom-closet.

"I... Just... What?”

"Does...she always do stuff like that?” Eris asked as a small glint of light started to seep out from under the closet door.

"Uh... Define “a lot”.”

You and Eris stand in front of the closet, waiting for Twilight to finish whatever it was she was doing in there. And the two of you could hear buzzing, slight electrical cracks, and other odd noises emanating from within. And occasionally the light seeping out would flicker and change color. You just hoped Twilight didn't end up nuking your house into magic-ash. After a few minutes you were starting to lose patience with all this sci-fi stuff. Finally, you just decide to open the closet door and see exactly what it is the Nerdicorn was doing. And in doing so you see that the closet is empty. No Twilight to be seen, just the same old junk that's always been in there.

"Where the hell did she go?” you ask to no one in particular as you poke your head into the empty closet.

"Can she teleport?”

"Yeah, she can, actually. But I don't think that's what happened. She doesn't need machines for that.”

"You have to knock.” Twilight's voice came from nowhere.

"Twilight? Where are you? What did you do?”

"Just knock and you'll find out.”

You looked to Eris who just shrugged. With a sigh you shut the closet door, then you did as Twilight asked and knocked.

"Come in!” Twilight said happily.

"Okay Twilight, what did...you...do...?”

You swung the door open and were greeted with a sight you couldn't even begin to rationalize. The “closet” was now what looked to be a room; a room that seemed infinitely vast. Blackness stretched on for what seemed like forever, with vague silhouettes of unknown things dotted here and there. Large, matted-gray cables ran this way and that, above your head and under your feet. Twilight sat at what you guessed was the center, under one of the few light source you could make out, grinning ear to ear.

“Twilight, what the hell did you do?”

“Isn't it fantastic? It's something I've been tinkering with for awhile now. I--” the unicorn practically glowed with pride, but you cut her off quick.

“No, no, no, no, no, I can't even begin to care about the magi-tek bull you were about to spout off. In the simplest terms Twilight, explain to me what all this is.”

Twilight blinked a few times, taken aback by the sudden outburst before saying:“Uh, well, let's see... Simplest terms... I made the closet a pocket dimension using science.”

The unicorn waved her forelegs around and made woo-ing noises for added effect. You pinched the bridge of your nose and took the deepest breath possible. Eris floated in after you, marveling at the sight.

“Woooooooow, impressive. I think. I dunno much about masheens.” Eris said while chewing on the end of her tail.

“It's “machines” and don't praise her. It'll just encourage her to do more crazy crap!” you griped.

“Settle down, Anonymous,” Twilight trotted over and patted you reassuringly on the leg. “You still have your closet. Remember when I told you to knock? That's the key. You don't knock, you can't access this space.”

“I see... So my house isn't going to collapse into a black hole is it?”

“Not unless the gravity well I--”

“Uh-uh, stop. Now. Forget I asked... Look just, I dunno, keep the crazy mad scientist stuff to here, okay?”

“Mad scientist? The nerve of some humans.” Twilight twisted her snout up into the air and huffed.

Eris giggled and continued to chew on her tail. You tried to get the nerve throbbing on the side of your head from bursting.  This day just needed to end before anything else could happen...

“Hey Anon, do you hear running water?” Eris asked, her ears twitching and rotating like radar dishes.

“Water?” You strained your ears to hear anything. “Now that you mention it, I do.”

“Me too.” Twilight's own ears twitched along with Eris's.

“Let's go see what it is!” Eris said excitedly.

And without waiting for either you or Twilight the draconequus took off. You and Twilight shared a look before chasing after her. By the time you and the unicorn were out of the closet Eris had already left the house, causing you huff in annoyance. Didn't even have the decency to close the door after herself.

“Oooo, that's nice. Anon, come lookit this!” Eris called for you from somewhere out front.

“So what's making the noise, ErissssssssssssssssssAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

You could immediately see what was the cause of the commotion. It was Rainbow Dash's cloud home quietly floating just to the side of yours, its rainbow waterfalls splashing on the ground below. Eris was busy sitting underneath one of the falls, guzzling the multi-colored liquid down in a hurry.

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, noooooooooooooooo! Come on! Seriously?!” You ranted there on the lawn. “RD! Rainbow Dash! I know you can hear me up there!”

You saw the slightest twinge of movement: a flash of a rainbow mane, a magenta eye peeking through the clouds. Finally the cyan mare showed herself. She looked bashful, her eyes darting back and forth, a blush playing at her face.

“O-Oh, hiya, Anon.”

“Explain. Now. Before my head explodes.” Which looked to be about ten seconds away with the way that vein was bulging.

“Well, I, uh, I thought you could use some help. With Eris, I mean.”

“And that requires yer entire house being next to mine?”

Rainbow Dash blushed and started stammering out an answer. “I figured it would be easier to be...c-closer to you. I mean, your house! The house is what I meant! I-I'm just trying to help, Anon.”

“Oh, I'm already neck deep in “help”,” you thumbed over your shoulder to Twilight who has standing in the doorway. She smiled and waved innocently.

“W-Well, more help is always good, right?”

You grumbled something about “having help like this” before slouching your shoulders and sighing heavily. A draconequus, a unicorn, and now a pegasus. If Pinkie or AJ showed up now to insist on staying you wouldn't bat an eye. Actually, you probably would. Applejack would bring the whole damn farm with her you're sure. And Pinkie...you don't even want to think about living with her. You looked over to Eris, who was still gulping down the liquid rainbow, and getting comically fat while doing so. Twilight was looking at her too and taking mental notes judging by the expression on her face. Dash hovered over to the draconequus as well and started saying something you couldn't quite make out.

This was your life now.

An ex-girlfriend mad scientist.

A loud-mouth braggart with a crush.

And a seemingly all-powerful capricious entity who flirts like it was going out of style.

Party hard, Anonymous.

Party hard.