Foxfire's Rant

by Dragonborne Fox

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sex, Random, Slice of Life, Dark, Alternate Universe, Original Character
Length: 1003

A ranting alicorn. Need I really say any more?

A news reporter finds a drinking alicorn mare who rants about a pony who shares her name.

Given that this is Luna's student, this goes as well as you'd expect.

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First-person perspective from a drinking alicorn who swears a lot and mentions sex. You have been aptly warned. This is a requested one-shot by this pony. Also a side-story to the Foxfire's Tail universe, taking place between the first Tail and Even We Have Nightmares.

Published 2014-03-05 18:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-05 18:20:02 UTC

Fudgebiscuits.

How tiring and hectic this day went.

-Foxfire grumbles something incomprehensible-

Why am I grouchy? Well, let me tell ya, today was really fucking weird. Not even the normal kind of weird, which should in itself say something considering this is coming from a clusterfuckered alicorn mare under Luna's wing.

I need to get this off of my chest before I burn a town down.

-Foxfire clears her throat-

I woke up like any other day in my safety chamber (aptly named to keep me from burning shit down) and I saw a mare who had a black body with Changeling-like features; namely, fangs, horn, eyes, legs, and carapace. Her eyes were golden and her mane was the same color.

Already, I could that see something was wrong. Who wouldn't see this as an intruder in dire need of an asskicking?

This is where it started. I asked the mare who she was and she said her name was Foxfire Flowerfeather.

-a record is heard scratching horrendously-

Yes. She and I had the same name, apparently.

Wait, it gets worse. She said she was part Changeling and part vampony. And that she was created by a mad scientist, all from scratch.

I tried burning her with my fire...and found out that she was impervious to the stuff. She sat there smiling like a filly!

So I thought that I needed to get more physical. I trotted to her, rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, and tried shoving her to the ground...and found her sitting on my head without making me fall over!

I attempted to shake her off and failed miserably (damn the Changeling equivalent of adhesive.)

It got worse. I walked around with my...twin on my head all day and was made fun of for it!

-Foxfire takes a swig of whiskey-

And when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she went parading about her backstory (and, to be blunt, I thought the bitch was drunk.) And about how all the stallions loved her for having a nice body and all that.

Yeah, you can see where that went. Again, I tried shutting her up and she shut me up (again, damn the adhesive).

Speaking of stallions, they followed me around and wanted her plot (not that I was envious, mind you; but a stud-magnet on my head isn't a good thing).

She then tried to screw them.

ON MY HEAD.

WHILE DEFYING GRAVITY.

-Foxfire takes another swig of whiskey-

Of course, I took flight and failed to take into account that there were pegasus stallions. I ended up having to do a peregrine dive into the damn ocean just to get them to leave my annoying passenger alone.

And guess what?

I wound up having to exterminate a perverted squid. And then trying to save myself from drowning (since I cannot swim to save my freaking soul!).

-every pony present in the bar stares at the fox-like alicorn talking to a news reporter-

Anything else, or are you gonna go away?

-silence-

Ugh, fine.

After getting out of the ocean with passenger still in tow, I went straight to my mentor and presented to her the dilemma on my head.

After hearing both sides of the story play out (thank Celestia for realistic illusions on my behalf), she had to fetch Discord to get him to get the mare off of my head.

Of course, upon seeing her, he did indeed take her off of my head...and I wound up having to watch the resulting porno that ensued.

-Foxfire takes another swig, and is now a bit tipsy-

Ohhh, how I want to forget that grotesque sight. Just...sweet fucking Celestia and her glorious sun-butt, Discord changed so much I threw up three times.

Please, I don't wanna release the full details of....that.

No, I refuse. I'm skipping that formality, thank you very much.

-more silence; Foxfire looks at the crowd of ponies now gathered around her and the reporter-

Guys, I said I ain't releasing those details because fuck you.

-Foxfire flips the crowd off with the pony equivalent of the bird; crowd soon disperses; Foxfire returns her gaze to the reporter after taking another swig of whiskey-

...I'm surprised your jaw has yet to drop open and your hooves have yet to take you out the door by now. You're patient by Celestia's solar grace!

So, after that mind-tainting event ended, she returned to my head and resumed rambling on and on about how the mad scientist engineered her to be the perfect stud-magnet.

I decided to pay that fucker a visit, and since this mare was stupid enough to provide me with the information, I knew where to go. I found it posthaste and went right to his master chambers.

And found him actually waiting for me.

I grabbed him with my hooves and ranted and raved about how his hideous creation caused me so much hell. He seemed to listen intently as his eyes were locked into mine (and since I had him in cross between a yoga stunt and a chokehold, he didn't have much of a choice).

After I was done with my bitching session...

-Foxfire takes another swig before realizing her mug is empty, and quickly goes to refill her glass before taking her seat-

....Damn, you're still here?

Anyway, after I was done with my bitching session, he told me he wasn't gonna reverse his 'beautiful artwork.'

Oh no, he went so far as to say that I should fuck myself. I dragged his ass to Luna and explained everything to her.

Celestia sent both him and his creation to the sun. We went back to his mansion later that night and found more of the things.

And when I say more, I meant more than one 'prototype,' if you please. We deactivated those before they could finish developing, and they died prematurely.

Please, leave me alone. Now. Thank you. Go away...

-Foxfire takes another swig and promptly passes out-