The Tale of Twitchums McButternubs

by neutralmilk

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Adventure, Discord, Derpy Hooves, Princess Celestia, Main 6, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Original Character, Comedy, Tragedy
Length: 13553

This is a story about a pony who saved Equestria. And he gets with everypony. It totally rocks.

Meet Twitchums McButternubs. He's a hardened criminal pony who breaks out of prison and arrives in Ponyville. He's a badass. And he's a pony. And other stuff. He arrives in Ponyville (like I said) and saves all of Equestria in this wonderfully heartwarming tale. Then watch as I ship him uncharacteristically with the entire cast of MLP:FiM. Are you impressed? Do I sound original? You bet I do.

WARNING: Not to be taken seriously. I mean it.

Published 2012-03-26 08:34:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-08 17:17:07 UTC

Chapter 1

The Tale of Twitchums McButternubs
Chapter 1

Twitchums awoke in the middle of an apple orchard.

“Wow this is convenient.” He said to himself, allowing the refreshing sun to warm up his entire body. Being a hardened criminal scum-bag, he rarely had an opportunity to relax. Especially in an open encompass. He lay for several hours, wondering why he wasn’t being pursued by any policeponies. Then he remembered. The author wanted to develop a minor story before any problems arose.

It was now sunset and the Apple Family had finished working in the West fields bucking the trees. Applejack and Big Macintosh walked back to their barn slowly, carrying several baskets full of apples on their backs. Their eyes lazily watched the trees they passed, completely unaware of the badass pony they were about to see.

Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Applejack spotted a hideously coloured mane and a sharp, cliché looking tail. She stopped and let out a yelp, confused and a little scared at the massive unicorn that lay in front of her. Right by Bloomberg’s cousin.

“Who’s this feller?” She asked in a southern accent to her older brother. He shrugged in reply and in a convenient plot point decided to push Applejack forward to him, rather than calling the policeponies and report a trespasser. Applejack walked forward cautiously and looked at the blue-ish unicorn. Then she saw his wings.

“An alicorn!?” She cried out in utter shock. Twitchums immediately opened his eyes to find an orange mare standing in front of him. Her eyes were filled with confusion and fright. Twitchums rose and towered over Applejack and Big Macintosh.

“`Scuse me Mister…” The mare began, hoping for a name from the ravishing alicorn that stood before her. Sure he had an ugly mane, a puny eye and looked like a 5-year old had hastily coloured him, but something about him was oddly attractive. Maybe it’s just because the author said so. But, yet again, maybe not.

“My name is Twitchums. Twitchums McButternubs.” His voice was deep and masculine. Applejack felt a surge in her heart when he spoke.

“Well Mr. Twitchums, Ah was wonderin. What exactly are y’all doing in ma farm?” Applejack questioned softly.

“Simple. I’m sleeping.” With that, Twitchums sat back on his flank and leaned against a tree. His eyes met the orange mare that stood before him. She looked at him disapprovingly and Twitchums shot back up on his hooves, giving an awkward smile as he did so.

“Uh, sorry. I haven’t had a chance to sit in such a beautiful are in a while.” He explained, remembering the harsh prison he had spent the past 5 years in. Applejack said it was ok and invited him inside to share some dinner. The three of them walked back to the farmhouse, talking the entire way. Except Big Macintosh, because he’s a shy little dickens.

The home was antiquatedly furnished, but the rural charm was enough to put a smile on Twitchums face. Then his eye twitched. Suddenly he broke down crying, tears pouring down his face. Applejack rushed over to her new friend and wrapped a hoof around him.

“What’s wrong Sugarcube?” She rubbed a hoof through his mane, sending shivers up his spine. Big Macintosh shrugged at the scene and walked away to prepare dinner. Twitchums looked up at the orange mare and into her emerald eyes. He felt a comfort in those eyes that didn’t seem possible. He had only just met her, but felt he could relate his entire life story to her.

“I know you won’t believe this, but my name ‘Twitchums’ isn’t my real name.” Applejack gasped in shock at the revelation. “I got it because… because….” Twitchums sniffled and regained his composure. “My eye twitches every so often.” His memory floated back to flight school.

“When I was a foal, nopony liked me. I was a freak. A total loser. Not only was I the only alicorn, but my occasional twitches would scare the children. But then one day, a filly about my age sat next to me in lunch. She too had problems with her eyes. Her name… was Ditzy.” Applejack once again gasped. She knew a pony named Ditzy! Maybe it was the same one.
“We hung out and laughed with each other every day.” He continued. “People called me Twitchums and called her Derpy. We would be sad, but knowing that we had each other, we could get through the day anyway. Then one day she moved to Fillydelphia, leaving me behind.”

“Then one day, I ran away from home in search of her. It took years, but I found her. She was already married and had a foal named Dinky. It was the first time in years that my eye twitched and I felt all the pain from my childhood boil back inside. Since then I’ve been a murderous rampage, slaughtering all ponies that dare point out my muscle contractions.”

“Shh, Sugarcube. It’s alight.” Applejack comforted him, apparently fine with his criminal past. “Howbout you stay here for a few days just til ya get back on yer hooves.”

“What? But you only just met me?” Twitchums was confused, but felt something in his heart he hadn’t felt in years. “I know, but you seem like a nice pony. The only condition is that ya gotta help Big Mac and I around on the farm.” Twitchums smiled and nodded.

The three enjoyed their apple based dinner and left the table afterwards to hit the hay. While the guest room was being set up, Twitchums was told to sleep in Applejack’s sister’s room. She had apparently been out Crusading or something. His massive body hung out of the bed, but still he felt more comfortable here than he had since flight school with Ditzy. He closed his eyes, knowing what was going to happen next because the author is relatively predictable.

A knock was heard on the wooden door. It seemed to light to be from Big Macintosh so Twitchums instantly thought it was Applejack. “Come in.” He called out softly. Sure enough, Applejack trotted in the room with a lit candle in her mouth. She placed in in the candle holder besides Twitchums bed and sat beside him.

Twitchums noticed that she vaguely smelled of apples and smiled at her. “What’s up AJ?” He asked her.

“Well…” She began, kicking her hooves off the side of the bed. “Twitchums, what’s your real name?” She looked deep into his puny red eyes, a sense of longing filling her body. Something about this alicorn was so irresistible.

“My real name?” He was brought back by the question. “What, why do you wanna know?” Nopony had called him his name since he was a foal. He can vaguely remember the voice of his parents calling the name out to him as he ran away. He quickly shook the vision away and looked back at the orange mare in front of her. Her trademark Stetson hat and red hair bands were nowhere to be found, leaving her blonde mane to cascade messily down her muzzle.

“I need you to promise not to tell anypony.” He said to her. She nodded quickly. “You’ll be the pony pony I’ve ever told this too. But something about you makes me trust you deeply.” They looked into each other’s eyes briefly (but not too long, cause that’d be creepy) and slowly moved forward. Their lips touched slowly. A rush of feelings came over both the ponies who sat hoof in hoof.

“My real name is …”

Author's Note

Dear everyone else who reads this far,
This story is an obscenely parodical parody of bad fan-fiction. This is not even close to serious. Also, be warned that I wrote this story all before season 3. So don't get mad if things are not (and they are not) following the shows cannonical timeline. THat being said, I hope you enjoyed and continue ot enjoy it. Also, please give me some more bad story tropes and cliches. I would love to parody them as much as possible.
Thanks,
neutralmilk

PS: Please send me some bad story cliches and tropes! I want to parody as many as possible before I finally quit!

Chapter 2

The Tale of Twitchums McButternubs
Chapter 2

Suddenly, the two ponies heard a crash outside the window of his room. Applejack and Twitchums jumped to the window and looked at the ground. A large crater had formed and piles of dirt and rock were strewn about. They galloped outside, but not before comforting Big Mac, who handled the situation like a pansy.

They reached the hole and looked down, a cyan pegasus looking back up at them. She wore a guilty smile of her face and rubbed her head with a hoof.

“Uh, I can explain this.” She began, trying to come up with a story. “You’d better Rainbow Dash. Or better yet, you’d better come back here tomorrow and help fill this hole back up.” The pegasus groaned and flew up from the dirt. She landed besides them and shook her coat clean. With a brush of her hoof, she cleared the remaining dirt that stuck to her prismatic mane.

“Woah, who’s this?” She asked suddenly, referring to Twitchums who stood stoically and as badass-ily as possible. It’s his nature. Get over it.

“This? His name’s Twitchums. `Ah caught him nappin in the orchard today so I thought I’d let him stay a while til he sorted his life out.” Applejack smiled up at the alicorn. Twitchums refused to partake in the mediocrity of this conversation and dwelled on his own thoughts. When he noticed Applejack’s smile he politely returned it and returned to his thoughts.

“He’s, uh, real cool?” Rainbow said, noticing his horrible colour scheme. Suddenly, she felt a bitch slap across her face. Rainbow realized that as the author, I can do whatever I please and retracted her previous statement. “He’s a hot stallion. I want him.”

Applejack gave Rainbow Dash a confused look and wrapped her hooves around Twitchums tightly. “He’s mine! `Ah found him first!” She cried out. Twitchums looked down at the bickering ponies and sighed, pushing Applejack’s hooves off of him.

“Rainbow, AJ. Please, I love you both.” Tears were streaming from his manly, puny eyes. “The time I’ve spent with you has been the greatest in my entire life since… Flight School.” The memories came pouring back to him. Ditzy and him eating lunch, playing games, and then their first date… He shook the memories from his head again.

“Twitchums I know I only just met you, but I must spend my entire life with you. I love you and stuff.” Rainbow Dash cooed, caressing the alicorn’s putrid mane.

“Rainbow Dash, you’re an amazing mare, and I’d be happy to marry you.”

The two came in close and shared a kiss that was like no other. Twitchums felt her tongue push against his teeth and happily let it enter his mouth. Their tongues hugged each other lustfully, as the newly engaged couple fell to the ground and proceeded to do it. Applejack stood and stared, feeling the only stallion she ever loved slip away.

*Author’s note: SHIT JUST GOT REAL!!!!!!!!

Twitchums woke up in the morning with Rainbow Dash beside him. There was no way that Apple Bloom was ever going to want to sleep in this bed again. Not after what they did last night. Strike that, there was no way the filly would ever want to enter the room. So, Twitchums set it ablaze, purifying the filth.

As the happily descended the stairs, the new couple met Applejack in the kitchen. She sat with her hooves crossed and a mug of apple cider in front of her. Her eyes were bloodshot and her usual appley scent was replaced with that of puke.

“`Ah hope y’all had a pleasant night.” She said to them. Twitchums and Rainbow Dash exchanged looks and smiled at each other. “Well then, I’m gonna go buck some apples in the east field today. Rainbow, fix that crater in the front lawn.” Applejack stood up shakily and put her Stetson hat on. She turned abruptly and left the home to meet Big Mac who was already bucking.

Twitchums flew after Applejack into the field and cut her off. “Applejack, what’s wrong?” He questioned, feeling a deep concern for his friend. She gave him a dirty look and tried to walk around him.
“Why don’t cha just help Rainbow with the hole?” She replied bitterly.

“Cuz I already did all night.” The author cried out happily. He then made Twitchums say it through the magic of typing.

“Cuz I already did all night.” He smugly said back to the hurt mare. She began to sob and fell to the ground, her hooves covering her tear stained eyes. Twitchums wrapped a wing around her and lifted her up so she was sitting on her plot.

“Twitchums, I thought you loved me.” She was depressed by the surprise engagement. That much was clear.

“Applejack, I love you more than anypony could possibly know.” A smile crossed his face as he felt his heart surge with warmth. “If the author of the story hadn’t forced Rainbow and I together out of sheer lack of anything else to do, than I certainly would have boned you and potentially married you out of wed-lock.”

Applejack wiped away her tears and smailed back up at the alicorn. Her alicorn. “Y’all reall mean that?”

“Of course I do. Every word of it.”

They suddenly pressed their lips together and proceeded to make out in the open field with the sun shining on their bodies. Twitchums could taste the vomit in her mouth, no doubt from all her hard cider, but chose to ignore it. He loved this mare and nothing could stop them from expressing their…
FEELINGS.

With the day over, Twitchums and Applejack returned to the home. Rainbow Dash had decided to stay the night again and lay on the couch awaiting her fiancé’s arrival. She greeted him with a kiss and they all sat down to dinner, sharing stories and laughs; the chaos of the morning and last night all forgotten.

“Honey, the coolest thing happened.” Rainbow said after Big Mac finished a story nobody in particular was paying attention to. Twitchums turned to his cyan bride to be and waited for her to continue her blathering. “My friend Pinkie Pie visited the farm for apparent reason today and I told her about our engagement. She said she was gonna throw us a party tomorrow night! That way I can introduce you to the entire town!”

Twitchums smiled at the thought of an engagement/ welcoming party and picked up his cider, taking a long sip. It warmed his throat and insides, a bubbling sensation rising gently in his stomach. “Even better, Derpy’s gonna be there!” The mare’s voice continued.

Twichums spit the cider out on the table in surprise. Ditzy? He thought. Oh Celestia no.

Chapter 3

The Tale of Twitchums McButternubs
Chapter 3
aka "The Party"

Twitchums laid awake the whole night thinking about the party. Applejack snuggled at his right, wrapping her hooves tighter around his waist. Rainbow Dash snored lightly; her mane messed up from turning in her sleep. He looked at the two mares and smiled. What a pimp.

His mind turned back to the idea of seeing Ditzy for the first time since the “incident.” She seemed happy with her husband and foal. She still had derp eyes, but was living a normal, happy life. Something Twitchums McButternubs could never provide for her. Not with his badass lifestyle. He could feel his eye beginning to twitch involuntarily. He remembered the rage he felt when he saw Ditzy’s husband…

“Woah there, lover boy. Your eye’s `ah getting twitchy again. Try to relax.” Applejack was awake now, gently rubbing Twitchums’ shoulders. Rainbow was still asleep, a small drop of drool hanging from her lip.

“I’m sorry Applejack. It’s just this overly dramatic back story takes a lot out of me. Every time I think about Ditzy…” He trailed off, staring into the darkness of the room.

“It’s ok now. When y’all see her tomorrow just act natural. Ah’m sure she’ll be excited to see ya.” With a small kiss, Applejack had returned Twitchums to his precarious sleep.

The day proceeded similar to the day before. Applejack, Big Mac and Twitchums worked in the orchard bucking apples from trees while Rainbow Dash lazily napped on clouds. At some point she flew into town and cleared the sky preparing for the arrival of Princess Celestia who had expressed interest in meeting another alicorn.

When the sun started setting, Twitchums began his walk to Ponyville; Applejack and Rainbow Dash at either side. Big Macintosh didn’t go because he wasn’t invited (loser). He waved them off and went back inside the farmhouse to watch Apple Bloom and her two friends for the remainder of the evening.

The walk went by smoothly; conversation was kept at a minimum between the three ponies. Twitchums had no desire to talk. Anxiousness flowed through his body whenever he thought about seeing Ditzy tonight. It’s just a party… he thought to himself. I’m being welcomed and that’s it. Deep down, however, he knew that much more was going to happen than everyone expected. And that’s not just because the author told him what would happen.

“Surprise!” Everypony in the room shouted when Twitchums entered. They had visited Sugarcube Corner and saw that it was empty. In their confusion, Applejack suggested they check the library and ask their friend Twilight where the party was.

A pink pony hopped over to Rainbow Dash and Twitchums, hugging them both with randomly extendable front legs.

“Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie!” She shouted excitedly to Twitchums who smiled at her uneasily. “Are you surprised or what?!” He nodded and pushed himself out of the hug. So far, Ditzy was nowhere to be seen. He sighed with relief and followed Pinkie, Applejack and his fiancé to meet their friends. Pinkie babbled incessantly, while not actually relaying any message; truly a feat to behold. Twitchums found this the best opportunity to study the friends he had just met.

First was Twilight Sparkle, a brainy purple unicorn that stared at Twitchums with wondering eyes. Next to her stood a shy pegasus by the name of Fluttershy. When he was introduced to her, she cowered in fear and squeaked her name quietly. This led him to Rarity: a stunning white unicorn with an eye for fashion. She had apologized for Fluttershy’s shyness and then introduced herself. Twitchums took it upon himself to bow politely, making her blush and giggle.

The party was a massive success. He met many different ponies from Ponyville, most of which took an instant liking to him. Even better, Ditzy was nowhere to be found! Suddenly, the sound of trumpets came from outside the library. Twilight Sparkle hushed the party and galloped to the door, opening it wide. A large red carpet rolled in from the outside and in walked the elegant Princess Celestia, Godess of the Sun.

She cantered regally toward Twitchums, all other ponies bowing as she passed them. One tripped as he bowed, sending a ripple of gasps and whispers around the library. She stopped suddenly and stared at the stallion that lay on the floor. A look of pure hatred rose to her face as she changed direction toward him. He cowered and began to sweat.

“Gotcha.” She said to the stallion. A kind smile appeared on her face, wiping the evil look away. She lent a hoof out and picked her subject back up to his hooves. “What did I say about formality?” She said to all the ponies in the room. The music started back up as quickly as it had stopped and the party resumed.

Princess Celestia introduced herself to Twitchums who gratefully took her hoof and shook it. The two shot the breeze, leaving Twilight and her friends to do what they pleased. After an hour or so, she handed Twitchums a scroll that granted him access to the Canterlot Castle.

“I expect to see you in my castle in two days.” She gave Twitchums a friendly smile, and turned to leave. “It’s incredibly important.” She said over her shoulder. Princess Celestia left the party and boarded a chariot carried by several royal gurads. After she had departed, he heard a familiar voice call out to him.

“Twitchums is that you?” A gray pegasus trotted over to him, a wide smile across her lips.

Twitchums felt his stomach drop. “Oh… Hey Ditzy.” She smiled wider when he called her by her real name. “Been a while, huh?”

“Too long.” Ditzy replied. “Twitchums, I know you may not forgive me, but I’m sorry about moving away and everything.” Her smile had faded now. “I wanted to come by tonight and see if we could try to be friends again. You meant the world to me when I was younger and would hate to lose you forever.”

Twitchums stood before her, sadness welling deep inside. He felt a twitch in his eye. “Twitchums are you ok?” Ditzy reached a hoof out to him. He winced when she touched his face. She blushed and turned away quickly, hiding a smile from him.

His heart began to race as the memories of Flight School came to him once again. He remembered how sad he was when she moved away. He remembered running away to find her. He remembered finally seeing her in Fillydelphia and meeting her husband. He remembered the sound of the screams of the ponies he slaughtered thanks to his twitching eye…

“Ditzy, it’s been great but I gotta go.” He brushed her hoof away from him and walked away, leaving her standing alone. She frowned, knowing that what had happened was entirely her fault. She had loved him in the past but left so he could have a chance to live a normal life. She wasn’t happy with her marriage and when it collapsed had tried looking for Twitchums herself. She sighed and walked to the exit. Her time at the party had come to an end. Suddenly her face derped and she had an urge to eat a muffin. She squealed in excitement at the idea and darted from the library.

Meanwhile Twitchums walked to the roof of the library. He sat on his flank and surveyed the vast land that stretched before him. While he was in love with Rainbow Dash and Applejack, the precarious relationship they were in wasn’t enough to prevent the pain of seeing Ditzy.

“Twitchums? You up here?” Pinkie Pie’s voice called out to him from the base of the steps leading to the roof.

“Yeah. Come on up.” The pink pony hopped up the steps and landed next to him.

“I’m really sorry about what happened with Derpy.” She said kindly to the wounded alicorn. He was taken aback.

“What? How’d you know about that?”

“Oh it’s easy! I read what the author wrote!” She cried out happily, hopping into the air.

“The author?! You mean that I’m not the only one that knows he exists?”

Pinkie Pie looked at him happily. “So you don’t think I’m crazy? You’re not chalking this up to ‘just being Pinkie Pie’?” She had tears forming in her eyes at the idea that someone not only believed her, but understood her tribulations. “Thank you so much.”

They sat underneath the stars and stared into the horizon. “Twichtums, you’re the only pony that’s experienced the same things I had. You’re special.” She nuzzled against him and smiled. Something about that smile warmed his insides immensely. He couldn’t help but put a wing around her, as they spent the remainder of the party staring at the stars dotting the deep blue sky.

Chapter 4

The Tale of Twitchums McButternubs
Chapter 4

The next two days proved difficult for our badass hero, Twitchums McButternubs. At Sweet Apple Acres, his engagement to Rainbow Dash and saucy affair with Applejack were going smoothly. His other affair with Pinkie Pie, however, was a different story.

The two met both days under the cover of nightfall in Sugarcube Corner when they both knew the world around them was sleeping. At first, the two met to talk more, both enjoying each other’s company. But then, the fiery passions burning in their pony loins took over. That’s right; they passionately baked cookies and cupcakes til the sunrise.

Then they had sex.

“You must be sleepwalking.” He explained to Rainbow Dash. Twitchums was having an increasingly difficult time explaining to his fiancé why he was coated in flour every morning and smelled of baked treats. “It’s quite obvious that you sleepwalk into the town, purchase bags of flour at the Shop 24 and then travel back here to dump them on me.” He sat in silence waiting for Rainbow Dash to respond. Sweat appeared on his brow as the prismatic maned pegasus thought about what she had just heard.

“You’re right.” She said, obviously relieved that the mysterious flour problem had been solved. “It’s much more plausible that I am sleepwalking into town and doing such convoluted things without actually spending money than you having an affair with Pinkie Pie.” Twitchums smiled. Flawless.

Outside Twitchums heard the sound of trumpets and a saw a chariot pass by his window. He and Rainbow Dash darted outside to find several royal guards standing in front of the chariot.

“Greetings, my liege.” One bowed to Twitchums. “The Princess has requested your audience today. We have been specifically chosen for the task of transporting you to Canterlot.” He raised his head and ushered the alicorn to the chariot that awaited him. Rainbow Dash waved a hoof at him as the chariot took up into the air and began toward the Canterlot Castle. It dangled in the air briefly before the pegasi shot forward with all their strength, causing a large booming sound.

Big Macintosh was relaxing in the farmhouse when he heard what sounded like a canon go off in the sky. He let out a girly yelp and hid behind the chair he was previously resting his plot upon. His body shook in fear as he thought about the noise he had just heard. Applejack saw him and shook her head, tsking loudly. “What am `ah gonna do with you Big Mac…”

“Welcome to Canterlot.” Princess Celestia met Twitchums at the landing site of the chariot. “Please, follow me inside. We have much to discuss.”

Twitchums walked into the colossal Castle, leaving a setting sun behind them. Together they walked down long, narrow passageways that seemed to go on forever. Tapestries and paintings hung from the beautiful stone walls depicting scenes from Equestria’s glorious past. Each time the pair approached any ponies, they instantly bowed to the ground waiting for Celestia to nod at them in acknowledgement.

Suddenly the two turned down a hall into a dead end. Before them stood a massive brick wall that seemed suspiciously out of place. It took Twitchums a moment to think about it, but decided it was because someone had written on it in spray-paint “Not A Hidden Entrance To Celestia’s Secret Room. Go Away.”

“I know what you’re thinking.” Celestia began as she led him to the brick wall. “‘Oh dear! It’s a dead end!’” She mimicked a voice that was unknown to Twitchums. “’Wherever will we go!’ Well Twitchums I know you may find this hard to believe, but…” She pushed a hoof into the brick wall. It waved wildly with the force revealing that it, in fact, was merely a curtain of a brick wall. “It’s a fake.” She gave Twitchums a clever smile and proceeded down the hallway with him.

They had entered a large circular room with massive stone pillars jutting randomly from the floor. “This is my badass War Room.” Celestia happily said, taking a seat at the head of a large oak table. “Please take a seat.” Twitchums sat across from her, leaning back into the cushy chair.

“Twitchums, I know that we’ve just met, but I trust you entirely. And this is why you are the first pony to ever be in the War Room. But this meeting isn’t a friendly one. Twichums, something bad is happening in Equestria that might spell the end of all ponykind as we know it. Discord is back.”

Twitchums bolted upright in his seat. Of course he had remembered when Discord was released from his stone prison. The prison he was in turned into a massive potato, the halls overrun by mutant squirrels with chicken heads. He remembered watching his pal Smitty trying to fight them back. They were too damn strong… He quickly pushed back the image into his subconscious.

*Author’s Note: Don’t try this at home! Unless, that is, you want to spend an obscene amount of cash for a psychologist with a scratchy beard who thinks you want to be your own Mother.*

“And what do you expect from me?” Twitchums asked, confused at his part in the whole situation. “I’m just a hardened criminal with a dramatic backstory who also has an axe to grind!” His eye began to twitch.

“Exactly! I know what you did Twitchums. You killed those ponies justifiably. Your twitch is a part of you that cannot be controlled. I’ve only heard of the rumors, but now that I’m seeing it in person, I believe that there truly is a seventh Element of Harmony! And you must be it!”

“What?! A Seventh?!” Twitchums was mortified. How could he be an Element of Harmony! Not only had Applejack and her friends wielded 6 to defeat Nightmare Moon and Discord, but the Princesses themselves only wielded 6 Elements. “What is this Element called?”

“You will know when the time is right. If I say now, then the readers will become disappointed and probably read a better story. One with less plot holes. And less breaking of the 4th Wall.” Twitchums sighed heavily, knowing very well that this was the truth. He had no choice but the fight Discord and wield the 7th Element of Harmony, even though he had no idea what it was.

Princess Celestia sensed the confusion and fear that Twitchums was battling at the moment and had an idea. She motioned for him to follow her into the Canterlot Gardens where they walked in the dark of Luna’s night, bathing in the moonlight. They discussed everything that came to their minds: the difficulties of being an alicorn, philosophies of life, the insanity of this story and yes, even puppies.

After an hour or so, the two walked the entirety of the gardens and returned to the Castle. Before entering, Celestia backed Twitchums against a wall. “Twitchums, I’ve been alive for over 2 thousand years, and I’ve never met anypony like you. The way you can talk about puppies with me is… it’s…” Tears began to well up in her eyes. “It’s beautiful. Nopony has ever treated me as an equal before.”

She brought her lips toward Twitchums who happily returned the favor. While the Princess may have been alive for two millennia, Twitchums could tell that she lacked experience…. In the love department. She shook nervously with each kiss and occasionally broke away, giggling like a school girl.

“Celey, I know the massive amount of love we have for each other can conquer all the problems in the world; but what about Rainbow Dash? I mean, her and I are engaged! And Applejack! She was the first pony I met here and I’ve loved her since I laid my eyes upon hers.” Twtichums chose to keep Pinkie Pie’s relationship a secret, hoping that no one would find out until he had time to sort it out. Celestia stopped and put a hoof to her face, thinking about the confusing love triangle she was about to enter. Even though her better judgment (and by better I mean all of it) told her to leave, she kissed him again.

“Twitchums McButternubs, one day Rainbow Dash and Applejack will grow old and pass on. It is at this time that you and I will be together as King and Queen of all of Equestria, until the fall of our glorious kingdom. Until then, I will wait for you in Canterlot, dreaming night and day of you and this moment we share.” The pair shared one last kiss before Celestia returned inside the Castle to resume her Princessly duties. Twitchums stood outside with a large smile on his face. “I’ll be in touch!” The Princess’ sultry voice called out from the castle as he turned to leave.

The ride back to Ponyville took half the time it did to get to the Castle, seeing as the Royal Guards were now hyped up on caffeine. The entirety of his ride back Twitchums could not get out of his mind the idea of there being seven Elements of Harmony. More importantly, how could he be one?

He arrived suddenly in the center of Ponyville, the entire town sleeping soundly. He turned toward Sweet Apple Acres when he found himself muzzle to muzzle with Pinkie Pie, a massive frown across her usually ecstatic face.

“I’ve been waiting for you.”

Chapter 5

The Tale of Twitchums McButternubs
Chapter 5
Part 1 in "The Wedding Trilogy"

“What? How long have you been waiting here?” Twitchums eyed the pink earth pony that stood before him.

“Ohhhh, not too long.” She replied, beginning to trot around him. She stopped suddenly and stared into his eyes. “Only about 6 hours.” A wicked smile grew upon her face. “How was your day with Princess Celestia?”

Twitchums was horrified at how Pinkie had found out. She seemed to read his mind and pointed toward the author. He cringed when he re-read the line and began to cower in his comfy chair, silently typing for Pinkie to lower her hoof. She did.

“Twitchy-poo, I don’t like sharing you with Applejack and Rainbow Dash. What makes you think I’d want to share you with that meanie princess pants?” She flicked her tail at him. He stood in place and began to sweat. “And what do you think everypony would do if I told them about our late night baking sessions?” The wicked smile grew larger. “And the sex?”

“Pinkie, what are you getting at here?” He regretted asking the question almost immediately.

“It’s simple, actually. I want you to choose somepony. Only one of us.” Twitchums was horrified. How could he choose one pony when he obviously was madly in love with at least four of them! “And I expect you to choose the right one, or I’ll tell everypony about us. You have until tomorrow.” With that Pinkie disappeared. Quite literally. Her being had instantaneously vanished, the sound of laughing heard, but fading into the blackness of the night.

“Rainbow Dash, we have to talk.” Twitchums began. He knew he had to do the right thing even though it was incredibly hard for him. Being a hardened criminal prepared him for a lot in his life, making him an emotional rock, but nothing could have prepared him for telling the love of his life that he had cheated on her.

“What’s up honey?” She had a smile on her face as she sat calmly upon his bed.

“Babe, I don’t think we should get married next year like we planned.”

Rainbow’s face crumbled. She stared at him, dumbfounded and waiting for his explanation. After a minute of silence she proceeded.

“And… and why not?” She tried to fight back the tears forming in her eyes. One escaped her eye and trickled down her cheek, gleaming in the sunlight that shone through the window.

“It’s time to be hones to you. I… I… I THINK WE SHOULD GET MARRIED NEXT WEEK INSTEAD.” Now that the news was out in the open, he smiled a toothy grin, releasing the horrible smell of halitosis into the room. Rainbow Dash began to cry now, but for a different reason than before. It smelled horrible, after all.

Rainbow Dash and Twitchums announced their plans to marry to everyone they could find. Applejack hid her depression with a smile and then proceeded to down her sorrows in apple cider. Twilight and Rarity squealed in excitement and quickly set off to plan the wedding and come up with ideas for a dress and tuxedo, leaving Twitchums a date to come to the Carousel Boutique for a fitting. Even Fluttershy was excited, flying back to her cottage to prepare her birds to sing at the wedding.

Everypony they knew was told; except Big Macintosh. He didn’t deserve to find out.

The last pony on the list was Pinkie Pie. Rainbow Dash spoke to the Cake family in hopes of finding the perfect wedding cake to suit their extra-stupendous wedding. Twitchums (being the manliest pony ever) realized that the cake choice was beneath him and decided it was time to tell Pinkie his choice.

“Pinkie you in here?” He asked into the empty room. He closed her apartment door behind him, closing out the conversation going on about the cake. In the center of the room sat Gummy the alligator, staring into nothingness. Its tail moved occasionally, whipping from side to side. “Pinkie? It’s me, Twitchums McButternubs. I’ve made my decision.”

Suddenly Gummy began to expand exponentially, exploding with a loud bang; confetti flying all over the room from the alligators entrails. Pinkie Pie stood in the spot Gummy had previously occupied with a smile on her face. She stretched her body forward and wrapped her hooves around Twitchums neck, pulling him closer.

“Oh Twitchy! You’ve come back for me! I knew you’d choose me over the other ponies!” She stroked his mane forcefully.

“Pinkie let me go, I gotta tell you something.” He looked around the room again quickly. “Damn, I could’ve sworn you liked that alligator.”

“Oh, you mean Gummy? I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE my little Gummy Wummy!” She reached behind her and picked up Gummy who stared at Twitchums blankly. He opened his mouth and bit down on Pinkie’s mane. She let out a giggle and gently tore him off of her.

“Yeeeah, ok. Pinkie I’ve made my choice.”

“Yesssssssss?” She leaned forward excitedly, a smile growing beyond its possible limit.

“Pinkie, you know that we have a deep connection of love and caringness and other words that imply a loving relationship that the author has no desire to convey at the moment in his mad rush to complete this chapter.” The author stopped and realized that the previous paragraph didn’t help at all. “You know that the night we spent together at the party was amazing. We shared a connection I’ve never had with anypony else and never will again.” There. That’ll have to do.

Pinkie Pie continued smiling, waiting for what she wanted to hear.

“Pinkie, I’ve chosen to marry Rainbow Dash. Her relationship has a different connection. One based on trust and hasty judgments made but a few days ago. One whose sanctity I have willingly and repeatedly breached. But I must stay with her. Because...” Twitchums took an overly long dramatic pause then continued. “SHE’S HAVIN’ MA BABY!”

Chapter 6

The Tale of Twitchums McButternubs
Chapter 6
The Tuxedo - Part 2 in "The Wedding Trilogy"

“She’s pregnant?!” Pinkie cried in shock. “How is that even possible?! I mean, I do impossible things all the time, but that! That’s biology!”

Twitchums nodded solemnly at the hurt mare. She suddenly sulked, her poofy hair deflating with a small hiss. She plopped herself on her flank and began to cry.

“Pinkie I’m sorry.” Twitchums trotted over to her and placed a hoof on her shoulder. She quickly smacked it away, rising on her hooves as she did so. Her tears were still flowing, but her sobs had ended.

“Twitchums, I shouldn’t have led you to choose between your fiancé and me. But…” She fought back the sadness that was still eating away at her. A smile appeared. “But that’s the way the world works. And if I can’t have you, then nopony can. I’m going to tell Rainbow Dash and then she’ll dump yo pony ass.”

Twitchums gasped in shock. “You wouldn’t dare!” He was horrified. How would his fiancé react to him cheating on her! Sure, Rainbow Dash was fine with Applejack and Twitchums; but Pinkie Pie and Twitchums? Hell no. He bolted to the door and blocked it off, hoping to barricade Pinkie within the room and calm her. She began laughing maniacally and sprouted large wings from her back, flying out of her window in the process.

“Bwahahaha! She’ll leave you for sure! And then you will be mine!” She creamed as she flew into the distance. Twitchums sighed and returned downstairs where Rainbow Dash was still talking about cakes. Gummy looked around the empty room and smiled. He then got up his hind legs, packed his bags and left, never to be seen again. Rumor has it that our scaly hero wound up in Sea World after creating a trans-dimensional portal that brought him to Earth. The End.

Twitchums stared up at the boutique before him. Rarity had been expecting him to stop by so he could be fitted for a sexy-shmexy tuxedo. He sighed and knocked hoof against the door.

“Who is it?” A voice sang from behind the door.

“It’s Twitchums, yo.”

“Please, darling, let yourself in.” Twitchums opened the door and ducked under the doorframe, his horn gently tapping it. The boutique was surprisingly dark. He saw a lone spotlight in the distance across the main room with a round pedestal. On it stood an alicorn manikin that wore a bedazzled tuxedo, the plastic rhinestones glittering in the bright yellow light.

He shrugged and walked over to it, noticing the putrid colours of his mane making up the predominant colour-scheme involved in the tuxedo. He smiled when he noticed the lovingly engraved prison numbers across the tuxedo’s chest, exactly the same from his old jumpsuits from the penitentiary. When he noticed Rarity wasn’t near or approaching, he quickly tossed on the tuxedo, entirely unsure what to expect.

He stood upon the pedestal, staring down at a mirror next to him. He noticed that the tuxedo was incredibly tight fitting, especially in his pony crotch where the heart-clad pink fabric clung around his… stuff… sensuously. He also noticed that the collar of his tux was open wide, a fake tuft of brown chest hair attached in between giving the appearance of it belonging to Twitchums.

“Mine.” Rarity’s voice said softly from the darkness. He heard the door to the boutique lock. The sounds of her hooves against the tiled floor echoed slightly in the building giving Tiwtchums a shiver down his spine. He tried to jump off of the podium only to find his hot pants were too tight and refused his legs movements. Rarity appeared before him, her normally pristine coat appearing slightly grey and dulled.

“Rarity, what’s wrong?” Twitchums asked cautiously.

“Nothing! Why is it that you ask?” She slowly began rubbing her hoof through his hideous mane, cringing slightly as she did so. She pulled her hoof away and wiped it on his tuxedo. “You know I fell in love with you since my eyes first lay upon your puny one?”

“Rarity, I told you already that our past love could never interfere with my current fiancé-ship with Rainbow Dash. We must stop!” He dramatically cried, stomping a hoof on the ground. He began to take off his hot pants, while Rarity tried continuously to pull him into a kiss. With his pants off, Twitchums pulled free from Rarity’s wandering hooves and hopped off of the pedestal.

“Tom, block the door!” Rarity screamed suddenly as Twitchums attempted to bolt to freedom. Twitchums flew toward the door and hit into a massive boulder that apparently had just appeared. He stared up at the rock angrily.

“Damn you Tom!” He shouted as Rarity wrapped her hooves around him and pulled him toward the inner-boutique. “Damn Youuuuuuuuuuu!”

Tom suddenly started to feel sad. He was in love with Rarity. Or maybe not. Cause he’s a rock.

Twitchums opened his eyes slowly. Rarity had viciously molested him for several hours and finally decided enough was enough, leaving the alicorn unconscious. The lights in the room were still off, but some daylight shone through te closed blinds revealing a boulder standing before him. Tom was pissed.

“What do you mean I’m trying to take your girl?” He asked the boulder.

It said nothing back, because it was a rock.

“For your information, I had no desire to do anything to her!” Twitchums cried out defensively.

Tom was getting angrier now, but held it deep inside.

“Woah calm down, I’m not calling her ugly. I’m just spoken for is all. If I weren’t engaged, having an affair with Applejack and secretly planning to get Princess Celestia I would surely have boned your woman.”

Tom began to calm down. He realized that Twitchums was right. But then sadness came over him.

“Tom, I know you’re sad, but Rarity does love you. She just needs something more… physical.”

“How much more physical can a rock be?” The author asked aloud to no one in particular. His roommate looked over at him and questioned the random outburst. The author bitch slapped his roommate and returned to the story.

Tom sighed silently and tried backing away from Twitchums. But he couldn’t move because he was a rock.

“Tom, you’re a great man. Just stick with her. I’m sure she’ll come around.” Twitchums stood up and trotted toward the door. Suddenly, he remembered something about Rarity. While they were making freaky love he had noticed that her coat was grey and her usual generous air had gone. NOTE! IMPORTANT PLOT POINT. Twitchums shrugged it off and left the boutique.

Chapter 7

The Tale of Twitchums McButternubs
Chapter 7
The Part After the Tuxedo - Part 4 in "The Wedding Trilogy"

Twitchums had left the boutique in a hurry, hoping to leave the memories of his vicious love-making session behind. He smiled as he remembered that his wedding was only a day or two away. Rainbow Dash had purchased a cake, the two had been fitted for their dress and tuxedo, and now there only remained one last detail to attend to. Twitchums thought long and hard to remember what it was, but decided at last that he didn’t care enough and left it to Rainbow Dash. If whatever it was just happened to be missing from the wedding, he could always blame her later!

Twitchums grew a toothy grin on his blue face. The perfect solution…

Suddenly, Fluttershy appeared out of thin air, since it wouldn’t make sense to NOT ship her with him. And what better way than by some completely random force? Anyways, Fluttershy appeared before him, smiling awkwardly. Twitchums towered over the timid mare and glared down, his puny red eye startling her.

A small squeak escaped her mouth, to which Twitchums replied with a cheerful smile. He crouched down to her level and looked into her teal eyes.

“Um, hi…” She said softly, hiding partially behind her pink mane.

“Wazzup, playa?” Twitchums responded. His fantastic use of the English (Equestrian?) language had stunned Fluttershy. Never before had she heard words of such beauty mouthed by another pony. Her heart thumped rapidly in her chest.

“Twitchums, I think you are the sexiest pony in the world. And I love you.” She stated uncharacteristically. Suddenly she realized her mistake and finished: “Ummm, that is… if it’s ok… that I do…”

“Shaddup ho.”

One again, Fluttershy felt her heart beating faster with each silken word that left his rank mouth. Her breathing picked up rapidly, making her feel light headed. Fluttershy watched the world begin to spin, black dots appearing in her field of vision. She stumbled forward, unable to keep herself still.

“Bitch be trippin.” Twitchums laughed.

With that final soliloquy of pure splendidness, Fluttershy fell to the ground in an unconscious heap. Twitchums looked down at her and frowned, his tiny eye squinting so he could see what was going on.

“FLUTTERSHY MY LOVE!” He leapt onto her and performed CPR, restarting her weak heart. Her breathing began erratically but soon returned to normal. Twitchums wiped his brow, obviously relieved that he wouldn’t be going back to prison for murdering yet another pony…

“My baby!” An orange pegasus cried.

“Your baby? Well let’s see how he likes…. GETTING A WEDGIE!” Twitchums grabbed the foal’s diaper and tugged it into its crack. The foal laughed and smiled, causing several audible “awwwww’s” to escape the crowd of bystanders. In his rage, Twitchums then spun the baby and pelted it to its Mother, who received the inbound baby with a fantastic catch.

“Hey bub…” A voice said to Twitchums. He turned to face a muscle bound stallion with a frown etched into his masculine face.

“Yeah?”

“You sick sonnovabitch…” The stallion cracked its neck. A smile appeared. “That was the best danged baby flinging I’ve ever seen! You should go pro!”

Twitchums smiled, but suddenly felt his eye twitch. His heart dropped.

“Hey buddy, your eye ok?”

Twitchums reared back angrily, a cliché lightning bolt cracking in the background for no apparent reason. “Your death will be swift, foolish mortal!” He brought his afro mane down to the stallion and rubbed it against his muzzle. The stallion cringed as he smelt the oils and stench of oober-death. He gasped for air and collapsed.

Twitchums shook his head and regained his sense of location, pushing his dark past back into his mysterious subconscious. OOOOoooOOOoooOOH. He’s such a badass. He picked up Fluttershy with his magic and placed her gently on his back. She remained unconscious but smiled lightly at Twitchums affection.

Upon reaching her cottage, Twitchums casually and gently kicked the door down. Splintered wood shot at rapid speeds at the unsuspecting woodland critters that sought refuge in the home. When they noticed it was Twitchums, they all smile and waved, knowing that since he’s so cool that it’s ok to be a bit douchey.

*NOTE! THIS IS NOT TRUE!*

Twitchums encased Fluttershy in a puke green aura and placed her on her couch. He smiled at the overly adorable mare and proceeded to allow his heart explode when she let out a squeaky yawn in her rest. He recognized the feeling in his chest. The feeling of being in love. The feeling that Fluttershy was in fact his soul mate. Suddenly, her eyes opened slowly. She smiled at him lustfully. Maybe sensuously…. Ok, she smiled at him sensuously. Oooh, that’s good!

An overwhelming feeling of desire swept through the fiery heart of Twitchums McButternubs. He longed to plow that mare like Big Mac would do to the fields, if he were anywhere near as manly as Twitchums were.

Somewhere in the distance Big Macintosh began crying, feeling the sting of Twitchums’ words. What a sensitive little dickens! :3 (Cat face!)

Fluttershy looked up at him and spread her legs, licking her lips. Twitchums began to sweat visibly as sexy Fluttershy tempted him with her body. She giggled at Twitchums who stood with his mouth agape. Suddenly, his mind filled with images of Rainbow Dash.

Must… resist… THE CUTENESS!

He could feel his body drawn in, closer and closer. She reached out her hooves to embrace Twitchums and successfully began pulling him toward her lips. They met briefly and kissed, a feeling of warmth rushing through his body. He pulled away and looked at Fluttershy. Some of her mane lay across her face, revealing only one of her eyes. He could feel her smile at him from underneath her mane and cringed.

Must be strong! For Rainbow Dash! For Applejack!

Suddenly he heard a voice in his head…

[Punch her in the face!]

“Who the hell is that?” He asked aloud to himself. Which is kinda weird, if you ask me.

Another, more cheerful voice replied.

Fluttershy gave Twitchums a concerned look and sat up on the couch. She grew a frown.

“Twitchums, is everything ok?” She asked quietly. “Did I… Am I not attractive enough for you…?” Tears began welling up in her eyes. The author became sad at this and wished to himself that he could hug Fluttershy. Realizing he couldn’t, he cried silently.

“Shut yo mouth, Fluttahbitch! I’m talking to somepony important!” He cried, picking up his Shakespearian diction and syntax that made Fluttershy shiver from excitement.

[Dude, you can just think to us. We can hear you.] Slap said.

You mean like this?

<Hey! My text is italicized! That’s not fair! Use those weird {} thingies!> Jack bitched loudly.

{Fine. What do you guys want? And why are you appearing so late in the story? The main characters and their limited backstories have already been presented (and in many cases dismissed entirely)!}

[Simple! We’ll show up every once in a while to liven things up!]

{Hm. Hm. Sounds like a plan. Now STFU while I do stuff. I got a wedding to plan!}

Twitchums returned his mind to the cottage and found Fluttershy sipping a cup of tea. The windows no longer shone bright daylight; stars dotted the twilight sky.

“What happened!?” He asked, shocked by the change of time.

“I don’t know.” Fluttershy responded, taking another long sip of tea. Something about her seemed strange. Her coat and mane were dull and beginning to grey, similar to Rarity. “You pulled away and went into some stupid trance for a few hours. If you ask me, you should’ve stayed like that.” She smiled cruelly.

Twitchums felt tears come to his eyes. “You…you don’t have to be such a meanie!” He sobbed heavily, dropping to his haunches.

The bitch’s cold demeanor dropped s she felt her heart warm slightly from the crying Alicorn, his clichéd metallic tail making strange clanging noises on the hardwood floor.

“I’m sorry Twitchums; I don’t know what came over me!” Fluttershy’s color returned back to creamy-yellow. “Tell you what! I’ll… I’ll…” She looked around her cottage hurriedly while Twitchums McButternubs wept. Her searching gaze met several birds.

“I’ll get together some of my birdie friends to sing at your wedding! I know that you were supposed to be looking for music anyway.” She smiled at Twitchums. His sobbing ceded and he looked up at Fluttershy.

“You’d do that for me?”

“Of course.” She stroked a hoof through his afro mane, feeling a collection of grease and God knows what else rub against it. “Is that a slice of pizza?” She mumbled to herself.

“Oh, Fluttershy! I knew that I loved you for some reason!” He hugged her tightly. “You’re the kindest pony I’ve ever met! Your heart is the greatest feature about you.” Twitchums let go of her and rose to his hooves. Another job well done. And he only suffered from a semi-coma and wept like a baby once! Whatta stud!

He turned to leave the cottage and head toward Sweet Apple Acres where Applejack was waiting for him. Fluttershy slowly rose to her hooves and walked back to her couch. Suddenly Twitchums poked his head back into the cottage.

“Oh! And you’re a hotty patotty!”

His words sent Fluttershy in a frenzy of delight. Her body quivered in ecstasy, pulsing slightly each time she remembered what he said. It was really hot. So Twitchums came inside and had a wrestling match with Fluttershy. And by that I mean they totally did it.

And Angel watched.

Chapter 8

The Tale of Twitchums McButternubs
Chapter 8
The Part After the Tuxedo: ACT TWO - Gesundheit! (Part 4.2 in "The Wedding Trilogy")

“Are y’all sure that you wanna get married” Applejack asked Twitchums, hugging him tighter. He stared blankly at the ceiling of the farmhouse and grunted.

“Applejack, my love, I know that you don’t want me to marry her, but I…I…”

“Shh, lover boy. It’s ok. `Ah understand.” She pressed her lips against his, sending a pleasurable tingle down Twitchums’ spine. He pressed back, feeling the warmth of her breath hit against his face. Her tongue eagerly pushed into his mouth, wrapping around his playfully.

CRASH!

Their intermingled bodies knocked Big Mac’s bowl of cereal to the floor, shattering it on impact. Milk splattered around the kitchen and formed a puddle by the kitchen table they made out upon.

“Uh, sis?” Big Mac started.

“Shut up, you foal!” She hissed back, breaking contact with Twitchums’ lips only briefly before plunging back in. They continued rolling on the table, squishing the slice of toast Big Mac had painstakingly prepared for himself. He frowned and galloped from the room, crying. Poor Big Mac!

After their serious loving in the kitchen, Twitchums and Applejack walked out to the apple fields. Big Mac had already begun bucking trees, apples falling into several over-sized wooden barrels.

“Big Macintosh, ah’m sorry bout earlier.” Applejack began. “We…” She trailed off and looked to Twitchums who frowned. “Ok, *AH* didn’t mean to get ya upset. Yer my brother. And ain’t nothing gonna separate us.”

Big Mac raised his head, a smile on his face. Tears welled up in his eyes from the beautiful apology.

“And to make it up to ya, `ah came up with an idea!” She tossed her hooves around Twitchums who watched, bored as usual. His mind drifted to images of tacos and other things worthwhile.

“You should host a bachelor party for Twitchums!”

The smile on Big Mac’s face dropped instantly while Twitchums stared ahead, still oblivious to the situation. Ignoring her brother’s reaction, Applejack continued:

“Even better, `ah’ll let you pay fer the whole thing yerself!” Applejack hugged Twitchums happily, sending his mind back to the present situation. He blinked rapidly and looked around.

“Uh, yeah. What she said.” The duo turned and walked back to the farmhouse for some mid-afternoon loving. Big Macintosh watched them leave. When they were out of ear shot he hoof-pumped and let out a victorious shout. And by that, I mean he sighed and returned to work, thinking about what the bachelor party would be like.

Twitchums and Big Macintosh walked into town, two days after the entire “kitchen table” incident. Big Mac led Twitchums around, a stupid grin upon his face.

“Where the hell are you taking me, demon?” Twitchums asked, clearly unamused. “I got a wedding in the morning! I got to look my best.”

“You’ll see when we get there.” Big Mac replied cheerfully. He had put a lot of work in on the bachelor party and knew it would be a blast!

They stopped outside of Sugarcube Corner, which (Twitchums noticed) was the only building in the vicinity that had lights on.

“`Ah thought you’d like to get some food and maybe talk about tomorrow.” Big Mac chirped. His iconic hayseed dangled comically from his lip as he gave Twitchums a smile.

Twitchums sighed. “Fine.”

“Surprise!” Everypony in Sugarcube Corner shouted to Twitchums. His jaw dropped in surprise as his tiny red eye glanced at the surroundings. The majority of the ponies there were male; a banner hung from the ceiling reading: “HAPPY BATCHELOR PARTEE,” which caused a smirk to appear on Twitchums’ face. He turned and hugged Big Macintosh, then pushed him off into the party to mingle.

Several hours had already passed, the majority of the party guests were totally plastered and their drunken bodies littered the floor. Twitchums smiled at the few that still stood and watched them dance awkwardly to the music DJ-P0N3 was still playing. Big Macintosh had attempted several times to hit on her, only to be swatted away by the musical mare.

Unlike the other ponies, Twitchums was practically a tank. Forty shots later, he was still good, feeling only the lightest amount of nausea creep over him. He felt a hoof poke into his side. He turned and stared face to face with Ditzy Doo, his long lost love.

“Twitchums, I…” She began, trailing off suddenly.

“Hey Ditzy. How are you doing?” He replied, the drunk in him ignoring the overwhelming sadness that he felt in his heart.

“I’m… I’m good.” She smiled at him sadly. “Twitchums, I heard about your bachelor party and I decided I had to come by. Oh shit, hold on a second.” Her eyes began to derp and an urge to consume more muffins overwhelmed her. In a few seconds, the feeling subsided and she returned to normalcy.

“Anyway, Twitchums, I wanted to tell you this before you were married tomorrow that I… I…”

[Do I gotta punch a hoe?] Slap cried drunkenly in Twitchums’ head.

{STFU!} Twitchums mentally punched his conscience and turned his attention to Ditzy.

“I love you Twitchums Bending McButternubs!” She said loudly, wrapping her hooves around his neck, sobbing lightly.

He hugged her back and looked into her slightly distorted eyes.

“Ditzy, I’ve waited to hold you in my hooves again for years. You have been the most important part of my life since Flight School, hell I went on a rampage because of you!” He chuckled softly at the memory of the blood and gore strewn around Fillydelphia. Good times!

“But, my sweet, while I may have chased you for years, the time has come for us to, you know, move on.” He exchanged a look, Ditzy frowning with her tear stained eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“You know I’m getting married tomorrow. I love you, Ditzy Doo, but things have changed.”

She pushed him away, angered. “What the hell do you mean?”

[Oh man! Shit’s going down!]

The author then decided to eliminate Slap and Jack from the story until further notice.

Twitchums stared at her. He raised a hoof to put it on her shoulder, but found it slapped away with expert precision.

“Ow! My hoof! You monster!” He cried.

With that outburst, Ditzy Doo dove onto Twitchums and knocked him to the ground. She pressed her lips against his, refusing any resistance he had attempted. Shortly after, however, he gave up and kissed back.

“I know you’ve got the wedding tomorrow. But I was hoping you’d at least spend the night with me…” She asked, playfully.

“I… I can’t.” Ditzy stared at Twitchums, shocked. “Ditzy, please get off of me. I’m too much of a respectable badass to sleep with another mare before my wedding night. Well, somepony who’s not my fiancé’s good friend, anyway.”

He pushed her off of him and turned to leave the party. Before he left, he grabbed Big Mac by his blonde mane and dragged him outside. Ditzy Doo frowned and began to cry, realizing that it was all her fault. If only she had been with him back at flight school! OH THE MISERY!

In the wake of the party, a shadow lurked, watching Ditzy and Twitchums interact. It smiled menacingly in the dark at Ditzy’s crying.

“Soon…”

Chapter 9

The Tale of Twitchums McButternubs
Chapter 9
The Honeymoon (Prequel)

Twitchums stared blankly at the massive crowd of ponies sitting before him, his hot pants wedged uncomfortably in his pony butt crack. He was entirely aware of the crowd’s eyes gazing at him but chose to pay it no mind. He was far too busy not giving a crap to concern himself over such petty matters. All he knew was that he looked gorgeous.

Well, as gorgeous as an alicorn with a puny red-eye, metallic tail, and a hideously clashing afro possibly could.

“You’re a lucky stallion.” He heard a voice behind him say. Twitchums turned his head to find a balding priest (or its non-denominational pony equivalent. See? Now I can’t get sued!) sitting on his (or her, for all you equal-rights activists out there) haunches, waiting for the ok to start the ceremony.

“Uh, what?” the alicorn asked in response.

“Dude, you’re lucky! I’ve been trying to bag that mare for like, weeks!”

Twitchums stared at the pony, unsure of how to react. An all too familiar feeling of rage began to pump through his veins.

“I mean she’s so friggen hot! Her plot is just… WHOA!” The pony continued blathering on about Rainbow Dash’s fantastic flank, blissfully unaware of her fiancé’s increasing ire. “Man, if you weren’t marrying her I’d be all like: ‘Hey baby.’ And she’d be all like ‘Oh, Wedding Bells, you’re so rugged!’”

I’m going to rip his throat out. Twitchums concluded mentally. Suddenly he felt his eye begin to act up. His heart skipped a beat. He had to calm down before he did something he regretted.

“Hey buddy, your eye ok?” The priest asked, noticing Twitchums’ precarious condition. The alicorn squeezed his lips, sealing back an exclamation that’s far too mature for this story and nodded in response, sweat trickling down his brow. “Yeah? Ok good. So anyways, her and I would go back to my place and…”

Twitchums felt himself getting closer and closer to snapping. No! Must. Keep. Calm!

“… And when I bring her to my Mother’s place we could- Oh, hey! Looks like they’re ready backstage!” The pony stopped his ramblings and stood up, doing last minute preparations for the wedding. “You ready to get this show started, big boy?”

Twitchums wiped his brow, his eye no longer twitching. “More than you could ever know.”

The majority of the ceremony bored Twitchums to the verge of tears. He knew that he should be excited, but the pure dullness was enough to make him long for the days before Rainbow Dash. The days of his romantic entanglement with Applejack. A solid week and a half prior to the wedding itself.

It seemed like a lifetime…

Twitchums decided to take solace in the crowd of attendees, hoping to free his mind of the emotional ties he had with the orange mare that still plagued his thoughts; day and night.

Right off the bat, Twitchums spotted Twilight Sparkle and her friends (and Spike too, but he doesn’t count) sitting together in a small group. The mares looked different, minus Twilight who watched the wedding with a smile on her face. The rest seemed…

Kinda dull. Twitchums McButternubs thought to himself. His eyes scanned over the equines and their grey-tinted coats. What seemed to puzzle him more, however, were their demeanors. Instead of their characteristic smiles adorning their faces, each wore a grimace. Even Princess Celestia sat, glowering at the male alicorn and his soon to be bride.

Out of nowhere a low, menacing cackle filled the room and disappeared almost instantly.

Twitchums felt an unmistakable wave of dread wash over him as the remaining ponies in the crowd turned grey, except Twilight Sparkle, himself and his fiancé.

“Eh,” He shrugged his shoulders. “I guess they must be jealous. I can only pork so many ponies before the author ties me down to Rainbow Dash. That is unless there’s a sequel…” He turned his attention away from the glaring ponies and back to the priest who had finally finished a long, pointless speech about the power of true love or something cheesy. Just the thought of it made Twitchums want to spew chunks of oober death. He didn’t though. Instead, he fell asleep.

What a real man.

“Before I continue to the vows,” The priest said, also ignorant of the random change in the temperament and colour of the ponies in the room. “Is there anypony in here that thinks these two should not be joined in matrimony?”

A sea of hooves shot up among the mares in the room. And Big Mac. He raised his as well.

“Let me rephrase that: Is there anypony in the room that doesn’t think they should get married for a reason that doesn’t involve wanting Twitchums all to themselves?”

The hooves slowly dropped, including Big Mac’s. A pony coughed awkwardly in the back.

Boy, it sure is good that I don’t love Twitchums McButternubs like the rest of these ponies! Twilight Sparkle thought to herself as she watched Big Mac slowly back out of the church. Sure he’s a stud and has a shmexy puny eye and he’s an alicorn and stuff, but I mean, he’s marrying my best friend! I’m happy for them. I mean. I’m sure I would fall for him if I was ever in a situation where all of Equestria depended on us working close together. Like, if Discord just randomly showed up and stuff. But what are the odds of that happening?

“I see,” the priest began again. “Well then if anypony does not believe these two should be joined in matrimony, speak now or forever hold your pea-”

Just then in them most cliché style imaginable, the doors to the church were thrust open, fog billowing through them. The grey ponies rose from their seats and began stomping their hooves in rhythm. A dark figure stepped calmly through the open doors and was met with loud cheers.

“Hello, my little ponies!” Discord exclaimed, throwing his arms into the air. Everypony in the room burst into applause. Twilight Sparkle jumped away from the crowd and darted to the front with Twitchums and Rainbow Dash.

“D-D-Discord?! But how did you-“ Twilight began. Discord lunged forward and put his eagle claw over her lips, shushing the mare.

“Hush now, don’t spoil the moment!” Discord waved his hand in the air, a cup of chocolate milk dropping into his hand. “Anypony want some?”

A stallion in the crowd raised his hoof.

“Well you ain’t getting any. BAM.” Discord cackled madly and drank the chocolate milk, glass first.

“Sweet Celestia! You’re so evil!” Rainbow Dash cried at the draconequis. “You’re gonna pay for ruining my wedding!” she lunged forward but instantly found herself in a cage made entirely of celery. Rainbow Dash hates celery. It’s so freaking nasty. “Ah! Celery! My only weakness!”

“Mwahaha! Now that I’ve drained everypony of their will and captured you, Equestria is as good as mine! Chaos shall reign once more!”

“Not if I can help it!” Twilight shouted, planting a hoof firmly on the ground. Her attempt to look strong failed miserably and, in fact, only made her more adorkable than usual.

“You?” Discord put his paw to his beard and stifled a laugh. “And what do you think you’re going to do to stop me? All of your friends are under my control. And even if you do manage to change them back, I still have Rainbow Crash here.”

“Hey, watch what you’re saying!” Rainbow shouted from inside her plant prison.

“Don’t worry Discord. I have somepony that’ll help me stop you and your nefarious schemes!”

Discord reared his head back and laughed, lightning going off in the background even though they were inside. “Oh really? And who’s that, huh? That statue of a super sexy alicorn god right there?” He pointed a claw at Twitchums who was still asleep. “I’d attempt to discord it just to prove you wrong, but then that’d leave too many plot holes! Mwahaha!”

“I wish you the best of luck in defeating me, Twilight Sparkle!” Discord suddenly brought his face next to Twilight. “You’ll need it this time around. You’re Elements of Harmony are as good as defeated.”

The purple unicorn gulped and watched as Discord unzipped the wall of the church and stepped outside into his new kingdom, Rainbow Dash in tow.

She was going to need some serious help if she wanted to save Equestria.

Chapter 10

The Tale of Twitchums McButternubs
Chapter 10
The Honeymoon (The Pre-sequel [the remake])

Twitchums blinked, shaking his head back into reality.

“Wha-huh? Am I married yet?” he asked to nopony in particular, glancing around at the now decimated church. The sections of chairs behind him were now mostly overturned, their occupants seemingly long gone. Bits of the floral arrangements and decorations were torn and strewn about the room like my parents affection when I told them I wanted to be a dancer instead of an architect.

Tough luck, Dad. Guess who got a starring role in the CATS revival on Broadwa- Never mind.

“Wait a minute…” He suddenly noticed Twilight Sparkle sitting before him, her head buried in her hooves. He could hear her sobbing loudly. The priest that only a short time before had been standing before him and hitting on his bride-to-be was no longer present. In fact, his bride was gone too.

Both seemed to be gone without a trace. Twitchums felt the all too familiar feeling of loneness wash over him. A feeling of quiet desperation, of complete and utter disappointment.

Of total emptiness.

There was only one thing that could possibly mean.

“Holy crap, I’m married!” he shouted, beaming from ear to ear. Twitchums hopped in the air, and landed on his hind-knees, playing a wicked solo on air-guitar. The awesome force of his virtuosity knocked Twilight back several feet, rousing her from her fit of depression.

“Was I awesome?” Twitchums asked the lavender unicorn. She looked up at him, her face wet and eyes bloodshot. Eyeliner dripped down her face and onto the altar. She sniffed loudly.

“W-what do you mean?” She asked, wiping her eyes. “Were you not paying attention to anything that just happened?!” Her voice cracked.

Our puny-eyed hero stood stoically and looked down at his bride’s best friend. Clearly she was just jealous that he had married Rainbow Dash and not her. She would never be able to experience the pure wondrifical happiness that a lengthy, monogamous relationship (albeit with numerous sordid affairs on Twitchums’ part) held. Twitchums felt a ping of pity in his heart and reached out a hoof to Twilight.

She eyed the greasy hoof and took it, allowing herself to be pulled up onto her feet. “How could you just stand there as Discord took everypony away?! Princess Celestia! Applejack. Rarity…” her voice faded out as she took a toll of everyone she just lost. Tears welled up in her eyes once more. “All of my friends…”

Twitchums glanced about the now abandoned church. Chairs were thrown about and the once pristine environment looked in complete disarray. “Must have been one hell of a party. Where’d everypony go, anyway?” he asked, oblivious to the situation. He noticed Twilight beginning to sob once more.

“Hush, my sweet.” He cooed, brushing his hoof through her mane. This kind of kindness was unbecoming of an alicorn of his badassity. But the author felt it was time for some heart-to-heart character development so it continued regardless. “Do not fret! For one day you may very well experience the thrill of true, passionate love!”

Twilight sniffed and looked up at Twitchums, her eyes settling on his. The conjoined feelings of depression at Discord’s assault and rage at Twitchums’ ignorance began to subside. Something about his putrid afro mane and tiny wings made her heart jump – a feeling she pushed away as quickly as it had arrived.

“Right,” she said, clearing her throat. “Listen, Twitchums. It was very convenient that you happened to ignore the entire ceremony earlier. But it just so happens that by doing so Discord, perhaps the greatest threat Equestria has ever known, thought you were just a badass hunk of a statue instead of a badass hunk of an actual alicorn.”

Twitchums nodded, knowing full well he should care. But he didn’t. His mind wandered to thoughts of his upcoming honeymoon. He had personally, painstakingly watched Rainbow Dash plan every single detail of the romantic getaway. A week in Manehattan to visit some ex-con friends of Twitchums, three days in Fillydelphia to see the spot where our awesome alicorn went on his twitch-inspired rampage, and one boring day in Las Pegasus to see Rainbow Dash’s grandparents. Twitchums was so caring!

“From what I can gather, Discord is attempting to take control of Equestria once again by turning everypony into discorded versions of their previous selves, hence the greyification of their coats.” Twilight reasoned, although it was pretty obvious already. So obvious, in fact, that the author felt it was far more important just to skip ahead several boring paragraphs and get to the point where Twilight asks Twitchums for help:

“How can we save everypony?” Twilight cried, removing the fake moustache on her lip and quickly tossing her sombrero aside. The miniature disco balls hanging from its brim clacked lightly on the bouncy castle it landed upon.

Twitchums unzipped his chicken suit and stepped out, reveling in the open breeze. “Sweet Celestia how’d we fend off that band of ravaging ninja sandwich beasts?”

“Aren’t you listening?!” Twilight shouted. “Don’t you care about anypony but yourself?!”

Twitchums reeled back, hurt by the unicorn’s accusation. “How dare you.” He started. “Do you have any idea of my back-story?”

Twilight shook her head.

“I have cared about so many ponies. Ditzy, who left me behind for another stallion. Applejack, who I fell in love with and tossed away after I met Rainbow Dash. And Rainbow Dash… Sweet, rainbowy Rainbow Dash.” He wiped a single blood red tear from his eye. Real men only cry blood.

*NOTE: If you cry blood, you should go to the doctor immediately. Cause crying blood (although awesome) will probably mean you’re dying :3 *

“Today I lost something you’ll never understand, Twilight.” Twitchums continued, taking a step forward. “I lost more than friendship. I lost more than love.”

Twilight Sparkle stared up at the alicorn, her breathing intensifying at his every word. He was so passionate, so strong. She took a deep breath of his halitosis and coughed harshly. He smelled beautiful.

“I lost what I something I care about more than anything I previously mentioned! I lost respect.” He punched his hoof to his chest and furrowed his brow. “We need to get everypony back.”

Twilight felt her geeky, pony heart flutter all of a sudden at his short, but badass speech. She wanted him, obviously. But she pushed her desire deep down. Maybe it was because a romantic entanglement now would waste precious time needed to save everypony from Discord. Or perhaps it was that her best friend had married him, and most of her other best friends had already porked the adulterous alicorn. Or maybe it was due to the fact that this overwhelmingly dramatic chapter needed to end soon so that another one with could be completed in the near future.

“But what can we do to stop Discord?” Twilight asked aloud, her hopes of a rescue attempt fleeting with every second. “Discord stole my friends. And only one Element of Harmony is not enough to save Equestria.”

Twitchums smiled, remembering what Celestia had said. “Well, you’re in luck. Because you’re looking at the seventh element right here.”

Author's Note

Dear 2-3 people who actually read Twitchums,
Thank you for reading, thank you for STILL reading, and I'm sorry about the longest wait ever. And all for a transitional chapter. You guys rock.
-neutralmilk

Dear everyone else who reads this far,
This story is an obscenely parodical parody of bad fan-fiction. This is not even close to serious. Also, be warned that I wrote this story all before season 3. So don't get mad if things are not (and they are not) following the shows cannonical timeline. THat being said, I hope you enjoyed and continue ot enjoy it. Also, please give me some more bad story tropes and cliches. I would love to parody them as much as possible.
Thanks,
neutralmilk

PS: SHIT IS GOING DOWN UP THAR OH SHEEEEEEEEEEET

Author's Note

Don't worry, this will be removed shortly. And more Twitchums will be up soon.

To those who read Twitchums:
Hello. How are you. I am good. Thank you. Yes.
Ok! So as you may (or may not) notice, Twitchums is coming to an end. Which really sucks. I have around 4 chapters left planned, which I plan to write in the next two or so days. But! I NEED YOUR HELP.

TWITCHUMS NEEDS A NAME.

If you remember all the way back, he has a different name. I want to see if anyone out there can come up with a totally ridiculous name that can top Twitchums and be used for the last chapter. If you have any ideas, send it to me in a PM and I'll feature it, and you in the last chapter. Somewhere.

Oh, and don't cry about the end of Twitchums. Shhhh, relax. In my other story "The Trotting Dead" I plan ion writing a troll chapter to screw with everyone that stars Twitchums with his puny eye and other stupid features that made him the character that burrowed his way into my heart (and yours too, Right?). It should rock. So keep an eye out!

Thank you for reading. And to those who favorited this, YOU ALL ROCK.

-Neutralmilk