A bank like no other

by Sarcastic Brony

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Comedy, Random
Length: 3294

A human arrives to help stabilize the female to male ratio in Equestria.

Everypony knows that the females outnumber the males by a lot. Saving an entire species is a very hard job but someone has to do it. Follow our friend Anon as he saves Equestria from certain doom. One sperm donor at a time.

Mature: Sexual situation, humor, language and more.

*Have no idea what to use for cover art. Got any ideas?*

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-06 01:00:09 UTC

Intro

My name is Anonymous, but most ponies around here call me Anon. You may be wondering to yourself why I said “ponies” and not “humans”. Well to make a long story short, I am currently on a planet inhabited by sentient ponies. Yeah, I can understand why you may think I’m crazy but I promise you that what I say is the truth. How about I give you a little detail on how I entered this world? I promise you won't be disappointed.

Whenever you imagine yourself entering a new world, how do you describe it? Falling from the sky? Maybe even a portal of some kind? Well, regardless of how you wish to enter a new world, I learned first hand that it's never how you expect it to be. You see, I entered this new world.. in a jacuzzi. Weird shit right? One moment I am in total darkness and then I rise up into this hot tub.

Think that’s where it ended? I wish. When I finally got the water out of my eyes I look around and see that the tub had a few guests. These guests were not human. What was in the water surrounding me were ponies. Weird little colorful ponies. They all looked to me in shock and I probably had the same look to be honest.

“Hey?” I say cautiously.

As soon as something left my mouth, all of the ponies scrambled into every which direction screaming and hollering. I couldn't help but feel myself freeze up as they screamed out words, perfectly formed human words. I knew from here on that I was probably not on my world anymore, so I promptly passed out. I soon awoke into a dungeon. A very dark and dank dungeon. It was freezing and my head felt as if I was tossed in here. I was hoping when I woke up that this was all just a dream but soon a few ponies in armor escorted me to a throne room.

I tried to keep as calm as I could but it still was very surprising that these ponies were talking and even acting in very human ways. Though as soon as they saw me most of them ran away. Soon I was brought before a white horse. No lie, it was a pure white horse with a crazy mane. It looked like it was made of smoke or something, moving in a breeze that wasn't there.

Anyways, after some examining and more than a few days of talking. Celestia and I came to an understanding that I was of no harm and also couldn't return home. Though honestly, that was no problem to me. These ponies were nice and the princess was more than convincing when she taught me how to treat a royal flank. You see, she was in heat at the time of our little talk. I had no idea what it was but all I know is that I got a ton of sex for free. Probably not something I would share with another person, but, here we are.

So after that I continued my little rendezvous with the princess from time to time, nothing ever too serious you know. Just some human on pony action to relieve some stress. I guess being a human was cool seeing as she can't get pregnant. So after all this I had to get a job, but I have never been one to work hard. I have always been a problem solver of sorts. After talking with the princess some, she told me that the females here outnumber the males by a great amount. If I remember correctly it was 5 to 1.

It seems that even with herds they can't stabilize the male to female ratio, it also didn't help when some stallions were into other stallions. I’ts getting to a point where the males of their species could soon die out in a thousand years or so. That was definitely not something I would like to see. So thanks to my human knowledge I soon informed Celestia of a fool proof way to help boost the male population. It wouldn't happen quickly, but it was a start to keeping her ponies thriving for many generations.

So here I am, in a fully funded and custom built sperm bank that was stationed in Ponyville. Yes, that was my idea. Stallions all around could donate some sperm for a few bits or tax writeoffs for the richer ones. Gay, straight, it didn't matter. The sperm they gave was all good and going to mares that truly wanted to have kids, even same sex mares could request from my bank.

There is one catch to this whole banking process. It seems that ponies can't really control their hooves very well. So, for lack of a better way to say this. I needed to give the stallions a “helping hand” as it were. I also had to help inseminate the mares so they could become pregnant. So, this is my story on how I am saving Equestria, one stallion and mare at a time. Their kids better thank me for this.

Chapter one: EEEnope!

Today is a day like any other. Bright and early as I open the bank for my customers to come around. Made sure everything was clean and ready for use when someone was interested in banking their seed. Yes, this place was perhaps not as popular as the spa or some restaurants but I did get customers off and on. All it took was a little time and some great patience.

So I have been doing this for a few months now. Ponies were sceptical at first but soon the word spread around about tax writeoffs or bits for something that came natural. So ponies soon came from all over to donate some seed. It was a very busy month but soon it slowly started to die out. You could get a few bits every time you donated but the tax writeoffs were a once a year thing. Can't have the rich getting richer right?

So from time to time I will get stallions that are either down on their luck or need a few spare bits for reasons I am never made aware of. Though we don't really take all stallions you see. There needs to be a bit of processing before we can accept their stuff. Things like genetic weaknesses or health problems are a no go. We want health baby foals to be born, free of all diseases. Genetic or otherwise.

So before we get to work I need to collect some blood and urine from the males and send it off to a lab in Canterlot to have a few tests run on it. After they come back clean or otherwise I contact them to set up a date or turn them down. What they do for a living or how smart they are doesn't come into play surprisingly. If you’re as healthy as a horse then you are fine by us.

So a few days ago I had a local come in and was interested in donating. His farm was in need of some extra bits and this was a easy way for him to make up the difference. I felt for the poor guy and made sure to rush his tests. Let me tell you, I’m not gay but this stallion was fucking good looking. He was the perfect picture of health, strength and looks. If he was going to be donating and he came back clean on the tests. Equestria is going to be having some knock out foals soon.

Anyways his tests came back clean and I made sure to notify him of the date when to come in. The process is usually rather quick. Lets just say that these ponies have the same endurance of horses from our world. Doesn't take them long to get off. So I knew it wasn't going to take too long.

*ding-ding*

I feel myself break from thought as the bell over the door rings. I look and see the big red himself looking to me with a certain nervous look to him. First timer, it happens to the best of them.

“Welcome Big mac.” I say as I step around the counter. “If you’ll follow me then we can get this over in just a few minutes.” I say with a calm voice.

“Sure.” He says while he follows me to the back room.

I lead him over to a nice empty room that has a few painting on the wall and a table with a few magazines in the center. Big mac was an earth pony so I would sadly need to be assisting him this evening.

“S-So how does this work exactly?” He asks nervously.

I pat his back to try and calm him. “Simple. I first need to wash you down there. We can't have an foreign particles getting into the sperm. That is just one hurdle we need to get past.” I see him gulp a little. “The next is stimulation. We have some magazines as you can see in a large variety that you can look at to get things going faster.” Now the next part, ugh I hate this one. “The last part is more on my end. I’m going to need to stimulate you and get the sample. These,” I show him my hands. “are my tools.”

He definitely looks really nervous now. Again, it’s to be expected. Sure unicorns can jack themselves off with magic but I still have to wash them to make sure the sample it as clean as possible. If I could have another job I would but Celestia pays me big for this gig. I pat his back again.

“I know this is uncomfortable but it won't take long. You just have first time jitters. It goes away the more you come by. I promise that I will treat you with total professionalism. If at any point you want me to stop or just leave then that’s fine.” I reassure him.

He nods his head. “A-Ah get it partner. You’re just doing a job and I need the bits.”

I smile some at that. “Exactly. Alright if it’s alright with you I would like to get you prepped before we start.”

He nods again as I go over to a large sink and put in a bucket. I fill it to the top with warm water. I know that washing with cold would only be counter productive to this morning. I get a nice washcloth and small towel from the closet that is stacked high with them. I set them next to the stallion as he looks to them and then me.

“T-Those are clean right?” He asks.

I chuckle. “Don't worry. I throw away all the used towels and get fresh ones delivered each day. You aren't the first one to have asked that though.”

“Alright.” He looks back at the wall with a more stoic expression.

I get to my knees so I could get better access to his equipment. I drag the bucket over and drop the washcloth in to get it nice and soaked.

“This is going to feel a little weird but please bear with me.” I say.

He nods once more so I don't hesitate. I reach up with my free hand and grab his sheath. His hind leg kicks back suddenly but settles back down. I ignore it as I gently pull it back some and use my other hand to reach in and grab the head of his penis. I can feel some resistance so I don't pull.

“Please relax.” I calmly say.

He does so and slowly his cock comes out and hangs freely. I can't help but see that he has an interesting color pattern. It was red with large white splotches around it. Every stallion had a unique coloration from what I have seen. What I also notice when I look up to his face is that he is two shades darker red now. I get the wash cloth and slowly clean his length.

“Usually ponies are rather clean but that doesn't mean they are perfect. So this is necessary to make sure no contamination happens.” I say trying to break the silence.

He doesn't reply back as I make sure to be gentle but firm in the cleaning process. Soon I give it a once over and determine that it was crystal clean. I drop the cloth into the bucket and use the towel to dry him off a bit. He still wasn't hard yet, which is typical for newbies. I let out a sigh as I get up and return the bucket to the corner to be destroyed later.

“Alright so now we need to start stimulation.” He gulps. “Usually ponies like to look at the magazines during this process. It’s really up to you.”

He gives a hesitant nod as he looks down and uses a free hoof to flip the magazine open. As he does this I go back to the closet and pull out a very large plastic bag. I grab my collection bucket and put the bag inside. It was easier to do it like this. I move back to Big mac and move the bucket underneath him. I let out an internal sigh as I see that he still wasn't hard yet.

Well this might be a long day after all. He seems to have stage fright. I chuckle inside at that thought. I get to my knees again

“I’m going to start, alright?” I callout.

“Eyup.” He acknowledges.

I gently take my hand and wrap it around the tip if his head. Thankful he was still presenting himself or else this would’ve been a pain in the ass. I slowly start to jack him off. Just trying to get him up in any way possible. This guy must really hate this because he wasn't even flexing from the stimulation. Sure ponies don't like this too much but after awhile the body just kinda does its thing.

After a few visits ponies soon become easier to get the sample. Hell they even seem to enjoy it after awhile. Poor bastards don't get off well with hooves and all. I don't find any joy in it either but it was a job and I kinda got desensitised to it after awhile. I try to give him longer strokes and still he wasn't responsive.

“Are you alright?” I ask. He was totally dead down here.

“I-I-um.. I mean..” Yeah, sounds about right for a first timer.

“I get it. Kinda weird and all that.”

He shakes his head. “I-It’s jus that I can't feel it right now.”

I let out a sigh. “It’s alright. Maybe we can try again another time?” I try to offer.

“Maybe that wou-”

“Big Mac what is takin so darn long!” I hear a more feminine voice call out. She had the same southern drawl as this guy.

The next thing I notice is that sound of a slapping noise. I look down to see that he was fully hard and ready to go. Well, I guess that was his girlfriend or something.

“Well look at that.” I say with a smirk. “Looks like all we needed was your girlfriend to come in.”

He seems to be totally red in the face now. Well, 9 shades redder.

“I-I don't know what ur talkin bout!” He shouts in a hush tone.

I shrug. “It happens man. Just think about her and we can get you out of here in no time!” I say finally having found his muse. “We’re nearly done miss!” I scream back.

He looked completely shocked but I don't leave him much time as I grab his surprisingly large cock and start to stroking. He clenches his eyes closed and starts muttering about some mare named ‘Applejack’. Must be his girl or something because his grunts and nickers were starting to pick up as I stimulate him faster. Soon though he lets out a large grunt and I see his head flare.

I pick up the bucket and get it as close as possible as he dumps load after load. I can't help the smile on my face as I see the haul I pulled in. This big boy was going to be making some fine foals. I pat him on the back as I stand up with the bucket. I quickly tie it up and bring it into a large cooler to chill for awhile. It was still an early morning and the Canterlot transport doesn't come by till 6.

I return to the room where Big mac was and help clean him up again. Just a quick rub down and he was fresh and clean for another day. He follows me to the front counter where I see a mare waiting. She was wearing a pretty cool looking stetson hat. I assume this was his girlfriend. I have to say she was a looker too. I wouldn't mind imagining some time alone with her.

“One moment while I get the paperwork.” I say as I show myself to the back room.

I come to the back of the desk and pull out some papers for them to sign. They both walk up and I notice that Big mac looks embarrassed. I can understand that as well. Very normal behavior. I point to the paperwork.

“Please sign here.”

He takes the pencil into his mouth and signs. I then get a nice little sack of bits and drop it onto the table.

“There you are. 200 bits.”

The mare goes wide eyes at that. “T-Two hundred bits?” I nod. “Like, 200 whole bits?”

I nod. “He gave a great sample for today and his health status is through the roofs. This earns him a higher payout than other stallions.” I state.

She smiles brightly as she elbows him. “Well can ya believe it! Ya just got paid for doin something so simple!”

His blush comes back harder. “E-Eeyup.”

I then point to the paperwork one more time. “Now we require at least a 4 day waiting period until he gives us another sample. So you can set another appointment now if you wish or come in at another time.”

The mare reaches out her hoof for me to shake. “Well I think we can do that! You don't know how much this is going to help the farm.” She says happily. She then looks like she forgot something. “Oh! My names Applejack by the way.”

I reach out and shake her hoof. Making sure to use my other hand. “Anon. It was a pleasure to meet you two and we hope for more business soon.”

She smiles brightly. “You can count on us coming back.” She then elbows big red. “Come on big brother. Time to head back to the farm.”

With that said does she trot out the door. Leaving big red and I alone with a very awkward realisation. Honestly, this wouldn't be the first time this has happened.

I clear my throat to catch his attention. “Patient doctor confidentiality.” I say nonchalantly.

He looks a little better but probably still embarrassed over this. “Um..Thanks.”

That was all he says as he follows after his sister. I shake my head as I look at the empty room. I reach under my desk and pull out a large bottle of Berry Punches wine.

“Ponies drive me to drink.” I say as I pop the cork and knock the whole bottle back.