The Hunter

by Steventheman

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Other, Adventure, Crossover, Wonderbolts, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 8148

A witch ends up in Equestria, and must work for the government in exchange for her way home. (Touhou crossover)

(Touhou Crossover)
Pre-reading by Garlude Galaxia

When a portal storm, a cataclysmic cosmic event, the likes of which have never been recorded in any history, strikes the Eastern Seaboard of Equestria along with several other locations, many beings that do not belong end up inside Equestrian territory.

Marisa Kirisame is one of them. She's not very happy about it.

However, the Equestrian Government soon catch up to the witch, and offer her a choice - Spend an indefinite amount of time in a research cell, or to join a covert unit, known as the "13th Night Fighter Squadron," hunt down the other invaders, and earn her freedom.

So, with many questions swimming around her head, like "How is spoken Equestrian exactly the same as spoken Japanese?" and "Why is everything I know about biology wrong in this world?" Marisa must gain freedom and go home the only way she knows how: Shoot everything that moves.

Cover Image drawn by suparu (detteiu) taken from Danbooru.

Published 2014-03-23 16:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-20 11:53:44 UTC

Storm

The lights of Manehattan broke through the beautiful night sky, drowning out the stars. The city lit up the coast of the East Equestria Ocean, a shining jewel against nature, the Statue of Harmony’s torch seemingly a beacon for the whole world.

Above the city, lightning formed in the clouds above. For the few ponies still awake at this hour, it was a simple sign of an incoming thunderstorm.

“Cirrus, have you seen the latest reading?” a short, fat, blonde stallion asked, a hint of worry in his voice. “This isn’t normal.”

“What’s happening?” Cirrus asked, her long pink mane swinging behind her as she turned around to meet her co-worker.

“We’re picking up sudden thunderstorm patterns. I got the schedules from Weather Factory a few hours ago, there’s no thunderstorm planned for at least a month!” the stallion replied. “I just looked over the city too. The lightning arcs...”

“What about them, Cyclone? Tell me.”

“Well...they’re neon green.”

The mare’s expression fell. She turned towards her desk and fumbled for the telephone. Using her nose to dial in a number, she awaited the other end to pick up.

“McFlank Air Defence Base, Weather Division command.”

“This is Manehattan Station Four, we have unusual weather patterns potentially threatening national security,” Cirrus barked down the line.

There was a pause and some background noise. “Describe the unusual weather pattern.”

“Neon green lightning, unplanned thunderstorm conditions.”

“...Holy...Visual confirmation of unusual weather pattern. This is definitely not in our schedules,” the Air Defence Force pony at the other end said. “Hold on, I’m transferring you over to Air Defence.”

“Cirrus, we’re picking up things on radar!” Cyclone yelled, panicked. “It’s flying for Manehattan!”

“McFlank ADB, we have unknown contact!”

“Confirmed on our radar,” the base soldier confirmed. There was a long pause as she talked to another pony. “Station Four, we have scrambled the 104th Squadron.”

The witch shivered in the cold night as she headed for the light. She had no idea what had happened. She was just flying above the forest, and all of a sudden, she was above the biggest amount of water she had ever seen, a green thunderstorm above her head and all around her.

Her blonde hair streamed behind her as she continued her flight, gripping the broomstick beneath her with her left hand and gripping her weapon with her right, terrified of either her or her weapon ending up in the freezing water. The city drew closer and closer.

The witch turned her head to observe the giant green statue. It was a horse, a giant orange torch in its hoof pointed towards the heavens. The witch stared at the city in front of her as she slowed down to observe.

The city was unlike anything she had ever seen in her life - the buildings appeared to be just blocks of bricks and concrete in varying shapes, heights and sizes. There were windows lined up uniformly on every building. It was stunningly beautiful.

After a few minutes of watching the lights, the witch began to ascend again. She watched the clouds intently, staring at the lightning patterns.

“What the hell am I looking at here,” she said to herself. “No, seriously, what am I looking at.”

After realising that there was nobody to answer her, she cruised at a decent airspeed around the city.

“Flower One to all pegasi, remember the plan,” the lead pegasus ordered into his helmet-mounted radio. He looked up at the witch cruising. “Target in visual range. It’s not a pony - It’s a biped on a broomstick. On your order, control.”

“Try to get it to surrender,” the controller ordered.

“Affirmative,” Flower One replied. A loudspeaker activated on the side of his flight suit. “Attention unidentified aerial being, this is the Equestria Air Defence Service. You are in a no-flight zone! Cease flight and land immediately!”

“I got a lock,” Flower Four warned.

“Huh?” the witch turned around to the six hovering pegasi. They wore face-concealing helmets and black flightsuits, adorned with various devices and weaponry. One was hovering in a way to aim missiles at her.

“Do you understand?! Land immediately or we will take action to ensure the safety of this city!” Flower One warmed up his weapons system.

“I heard ya, but what the hell are you?! Seriously, I’ve seen some weird things in my life, but you’re the weirdest!” the witch pointed at one of the pegasi, lunging forwards as she did so.

Flower Four yelped and fired a missile. The witch gasped before rolling in the air, grabbing her broom as she descended towards the ground. The missile flew past her, attempting to right its flight before just giving up and dropping towards the ocean. The witch noticed the offending pegasi now flying away to begin a fight. She remounted her broom and aimed the weapon at the closest ADS pegasus. She flew alongside it, before throwing a punch at the horse’s head. The pegasus recoiled from the hit, before shaking her head and flying to ram the witch. The witch performed a roll and avoided the counter-attack.

“Flower Four, what in Luna’s name were you attempting?!” Flower One yelled.

“I panicked!” Flower Four defended herself.

The witch aimed her weapon at the pegasus in front of her, aware of a following heatseeker.

“It’s behind me! Help!” Flower Six shouted.

The witch fired an aerial wave of wide-flying star-shaped projectiles. The missile flew past the witch and towards the stars. The missile followed the stars and exploded next to the pegasus. The wounded soldier fell towards the Earth.

“Flower Six down! Blue on Blue!” Flower One reported, turning himself around to engage the human. “Who fired that damn missile!?”

The witch visually lined up three of the pegasi flying towards her from a distance, before aiming her weapon at them. The weapon drew bright white energy from the air. The witch could feel the sheer heat of the weapon’s reactor in her hands. She felt the burning in her hands, an indicator of the fate of whatever she was pointing the reactor at.

“Alright, I have no idea where I am, why I’m here or why you tried to kill me. That’s okay. I have bad days too...And hey, when life gives you targets...” the witch whispered. “Give them Master Spark!”

A giant beam of energy fired from the reactor. The white hot laser cut the sky in two with a loud blaring noise. The three targeted pegasi gasped before the beam contacted them, knocking them out of the sky.

“Oh shoot,” Flower Two mumbled. “Flowers Three, Four and Five are down! Bandit has a TLS! Repeat! Bandit is armed with a TLS!”

“A Tactical Laser?! But how!?” Flower One asked. He looked at the only remaining pegasus and sighed. “Pull back, we are outmatched!”

The witch watched as the two pegasi began flying away.

“Maybe you’ll think twice next time before you screw with Marisa Kirisame!” she barked at the soldiers, blowing smoke away from the Hakkero and allowing her right hand to cool in the wind. “Well, that was fun. Man, I’m thirsty after that. There better be a bar down there.”

Marisa reached into her pocket and pulled out a pair of coins.

"Should be enough."

The Air Defence radar operator’s hooves shook. An unidentified object just shot down four out of six pegasi. One had landed in the ocean after a friendly fire incident and was considered KIA and the others had crashed at various points along the Manehattan shore, their statuses unknown.

“Ma’am, the aerial object just dropped off radar. It might have landed,” the operator whispered to an officer.

“Call up the MHPD. With what the report said, it won’t last long in Manehattan,” the officer ordered, walking away. “Keep monitoring the skies. If it gets worse, call me on Line 1.”

Marisa walked through the streets. Every door seemed just too small for her, and every sign was written in an odd alphabet. She wondered how she could understand their spoken language if she couldn’t understand the written one - Surely they were speaking Japanese, so why weren’t any of the signs written in any writing system? She looked closely at a sign. It had no helping picture except for a horseshoe.

“...Nah, I have no idea what that’s trying to imply,” Marisa said to herself, continuing down the street. “Great, how am I supposed to find a bar?”

She heard rapid hoofsteps behind her, before she felt a sharp pain in her head. She fell to the ground, rolling onto her back and putting up her arms to get the attacker.

“You could’ve killed me!” the witch protested, before a second baton strike struck her. The witch rolled over and jumped to her feet. She raised her fists towards the two horses in blue uniforms. “Okay, now all you’re doing is pissing me off!”

Marisa kicked out at the smaller horse, dodging her desperate swings. A boot connected with her, extracting a pained yelp. The other horse swung a hoof at her, which Marisa dodged with a limbo.

“I dodge raindrops for a living, I can dodge you too!” Marisa threatened. “Come on! If you’re gonna fight me, be worth my time!”

The second horse delivered a buck at the witch’s stomach, doubling her over with a cough. As she looked up to begin a counter-attack, a baton strike across the face sent the witch towards the ground, unconscious and with a bleeding nose.

The young unicorn MHPD officer kept the baton hovering in a telekinetic grip, shaking in terror just in case the alien got up again.

“Relax, it’s down. Call up the station. There’s gotta be a reward for this!” one officer cheered. “So what is that, two counts of assault, one count of being an alien species I’ve never seen before...screw it, throw in a count of drunk and disorderly too. Nopony’s gonna care why we attacked first.”

Marisa remained silent on the cold concrete path, a trickle of blood running down her blonde hair.

“W-124?” a tinny loudspeaker barked. Marisa opened her eyes slowly, everything above her neck in horrible pain. The loudspeaker certainly wasn’t helping.

“Shut up! Tryin’ to sleep here...” Marisa smacked her lips together and rested her head on the metal table, before realising where she was. She bolted upright and looked around, ignoring the pain in her head. A gray concrete room, a mirror on one wall with a loudspeaker above it. She attempted to get up, before looking at her arm, and realising she was handcuffed to the chair. She looked in the mirror - Black eye, bloodstains on her mouth from a nosebleed, her hat was missing - She had a bad night.

“Who the hell are you?!” she asked, aggressively slamming the table with her left fist..

“W-124, we’re asking the questions here,” the loudspeaker replied. “Interview with Contained Specimen W-124, conducted by Researcher T.C, Captain S and General I. Time is 10:32 AM Canterlot Mean Time. Begin.”

“What are you talkin’ about?!”

“W-124, where do you come from?”

“I ain’t answering anything until you tell me just what the hell’s happening!” Marisa shouted at the mirror. “And where’s my hat?!”

“W-124, co-operate or we will use further measures to make you co-operate!”

“Like what?” Marisa dared the interrogator.

“We can start by beating you, that sound good enough? Or electrocution, or waterboarding..?”

“Pfft, that all you can come up with? Be original here, come on.”

“I can be original if you want!”

“Please do!”

“Okay. TC, calm down.” a different voice took over. “W-124, we’re the Equestrian Department of Defence. For security reasons, we can’t actually tell you our names, but if you tell us yours, we can get a good impression of you. What do you say?”

“...I want my hat back,” Marisa sniffed, trying to unblock her nose of the dried blood. “And a lawyer, but the hat first.”

“If you answer these questions, we will return your hat,” the voice said. “Okay, question one; what’s your name?”

“Marisa.”

“Huh, a pretty name,” the voice complimented. Marisa knew this game - He was trying to get on her good side. That other interrogator was just an actor, being overly violent to coerce Marisa into running towards the good guy. “Okay, Marisa, I’m S. I know this is quite strange, but if you help us, we can help you.”

“I bet.”

“Okay, so why did you attack members of the 104th Squadron last night?”

“They shot at me first!” Marisa protested. “You reckon I was up for a fight while all that was going on was going on?”

“I see. The records did say that F Four fired at you...” the good cop responded. “So what about the two members of the Manehattan Police Department. You were arrested for...” Marisa heard papers shuffling. “Two counts of police officer battery, four counts of indecent exposure, one count of illegally entering the country, and being drunk and disorderly.”

Marisa couldn’t believe her ears. “Indecent exposure!? Look, even if I were drunk, which I wasn’t, I don’t start taking clothes off. I’m not that type of drunk. As for the battery, they hit me first!”

“Okay, so where do you come from, Marisa? I want to address the illegal entry charge.”

“Next question.”

“Answer him!” the first voice cut in.

“I said next question, ya dumbass!” Marisa attempted to slam the table with her right fist, but the chain prevented the movement.

“Calm down. We’ll ask later,” the good cop reassured. “How did you obtain a Tactical Laser System?”

“A tactical what?”

“Your laser weapon. How did you get it?”

“I’ve always had it. It’s my thing,” Marisa answered, deciding that if she got these stupid questions out of the way, they’d let her go home again.

“Hmm...So where you come from, a TLS is common...” the bad cop wondered out loud.

“TLS? F-Four? Look, I don’t know what you’re talking about, and if this is about that bank thing, that wasn’t me, that was Alice.”

“Who is Alice?” the good cop asked.

“Oh screw this,” Marisa stood up, taking the plastic chair with her. “My head is pounding, I have no idea where I am, you’re asking me about TSL’s and F’s and you know what, I really need a drink. You got anything?”

“W-124, please sit down,” a third, gruffer voice asked.

“...How many of you weirdos are there!?” Marisa demanded. “Look, I’m innocent. I haven’t stolen a thing in my life, and I definitely have not killed anybody. The only thing on my record is an acquittal for petty theft. So just get this stupid chain off me, give my hat back, give my weapons back and let me on my way.”

“This is not to ascertain whether or not you have committed a crime. In fact, with the General’s permission…?”

There was a pause. Marisa looked at the mirror curiously.

“W-124, we are going to be somewhat more honest with you,” the third voice finally stated. “You are not of this world. Furthermore, what allowed you here has also allowed others here. Some of them are out in our country right now. We don’t know what they’re capable of, but judging by your behavior, we have deemed all of them a severe threat to national security. Currently, our military is at full alert, prepared for anything up to and including a world war.”

Marisa sat back down, adjusting the chain on her wrist. “Go on.”

“This interrogation was to gauge your usefulness to us. However, you have been extremely combative and you have not impressed us.”

“And why exactly should I want to impress you? You’re the ones that cracked my skull open, and then tethered me to this chair in some room in the middle of nowhere.”

“Because we want you to go home just as much as you want to go home,” the third voice coughed a few times. “You must work with us one hundred percent if that is to happen though.”

“...Fine, what’s the deal?” Marisa asked, attempting to fold her arms. “Because I got one: You let me out of this chain, give my hat and weapons back, and I’ll go get these things for you.”

“That is too risky.”

“You want me to work with you? There’s the offer. Because I can always completely destroy this place and kill everyone inside. Makes no difference to me,” Marisa dismissed. In truth, killing everybody seemed too much of a chore. And the ethical ramifications of slaughtering an entire building would only make her inevitable trial before the Yama just a little bit longer and more utterly boring, if the one she met was anything to go by. “I mean, I’ve killed before.”

“May I remind you that you’re at our mercy here?” the first voice growled.

“May I remind you that I could spit acid? Or psychically manipulate you?” Marisa bluffed, wiggling her fingers with her left hand in a ‘puppeteer’ motion. “Face it, your scientific curiosity means you can’t do a thing to me.”

“We can always find another subject. It means nothing to us,” the second voice replied. Marisa couldn’t help but grin at the fact that she had broken the ‘good cop’ act.

“But why? I thought you would want the subject with a laser. I mean, I could spit acid or control your delicious brains, but you have proof that I have a laser, and I’m also one of the most brilliant human warriors who ever lived ever.”

“How brilliant?” the third voice asked.

“Over three-hundred confirmed kills over one hundred and fifty missions. I graduated top of my class in the Danmaku School, numerous secret raids on heavily-guarded libraries and curios stores...I punched a gorilla once…” Marisa put on a look as if she was bored recalling the list of ‘achievements,’ “I mean, you’d have to insane not to get on my good side. Good news is that I am willing to work with you, if you would just give my hat back, because you’re ruining my style!”

There was a long pause as the three interrogators discussed the idea. Finally, the loudspeaker came back on.

“We’ll let you out of the chain, but any sudden movements will be met with lethal force, you got it?” the first voice warned. "We're taking you to Conference Room A2."

Marisa reclined in the chair and awaited the interrogators. She thought back to the fight. The statue was a horse, the enemies were horses…either this was the trippiest dream she had ever had, or her knowledge of evolutionary biology or indeed common sense was completely false.

She was unwilling to concede the latter.

Author's Note

So, another adventure into bullshit.

Looking at Fate is a Funny Old Thing made me realise what complete horseshit it was. This is something I blame on myself. My pre-reader had no idea what Touhou or Ace Combat were like and therefore could not advise me better on characters, it was kinda forced, I didn't have a coherent plot, and I think I went overboard in the drama, especially with Mima being too evil compared to what she is actually like, and the less said about the backstory I gave Marisa the better. I'm not going to go into the characters because I fucked up royally there and dissecting that sector took me ages mentally and writing it down does not sound like it'll be fun.

So this is my attempt to not completely and utterly fail. One character. A plot worked out from the beginning (More or less) and this time, Marisa is going to be an actual representation of canon, rather than whatever the fuck I tried on FiaFOT.

Seriously, how is that my top-rated fic.

Target 01 - Operation Proving Ground

Marisa stared, wide-eyed in disbelief at the three horses in front of her. They wore silly little costumes, just like the others she faced last night. Last night was a mere observation, but now it was a credible theory: Marisa Kirisame had gone completely off her rocker. She was probably inside a little box fort in her house now, wearing a checked gingham dress, army boots and a penguin hand puppet, while Reimu stared at her, unsure of whether to talk her out of the delusional insanity like an adult would do or simply keep hitting her about the head until Marisa was either sane again or her head caved in, like a shrine maiden would do.

“W-124, please stop staring at me,” a unicorn in a lab coat asked, the first voice on the intercom.

“I’m sorry, I’m just having a minor existential crisis. Just give me a moment,” Marisa replied, her entire life flashing through her mind for anything that could serve as a precedent to this moment. The flashbacks only confirmed two things - That she spent way too much time fussing over her hair colour as a child, and that no, there was absolutely no way anyone in Gensokyo could’ve ever seen this coming. She sighed sharply, and opened her mouth to talk, before closing it again and returning to her thoughts. The off-white, lab coated unicorn, the tan, general pegasus and the suited-up dark blue pegasus gave each other looks, before the general coughed.

“W-124, what is wrong?”

“Oh, just about everything. I thought those horses last night were just a bunch of fairies in costume, trying to scare me. But now I see clearly, that I really should not have basked in those moon beams all those years ago, and I should not have played around with mercury so much as a child.” Marisa gave a short laugh. “Because what I am seeing here, is without a doubt, and with all my confidence and credibility as a scientist and a witch do I say this; very silly.”

“What do you mean?” the lab coat guy asked.

Marisa advanced, and put her face in his. “Horses. Don’t. Talk.”

The lab coat horse recoiled slightly. “How dare you call me a horse. I am a pony!”

Marisa shrugged. “Same thing.”

“Calm yourself down, Genesis,” the general warned. The labcoat frowned.

“Genesis? Your name is seriously Genesis?” Marisa grinned. This particular pony had annoyed her, and it was only fair she returned the favour.

“Yes, it is!” Genesis snapped. “Come on, we must go to A2.”

The three horses led the way down the tight corridor. After a few turns in the concrete rat’s nest, the group arrived at a giant metal door. The suit pressed a button with his hoof.

“S-201,” he declared.

“I’m sorry, did you mean AR-324?” a robotic voice responded. Marisa jumped back a little from the sudden disembodied voice. She felt the back of her head with her left hand. She felt the wound from last night, and the dried blood in her hair. She decided that as soon as it was reasonable, she was going to ask for a bath or something.

“Stupid voice recognition. Why did we even install this?!” the suit angrily muttered, before simply placing his right hoof onto a scanner. After a minute or so, the door opened from the top, slowly unveiling yet another concrete corridor.

“I can tell you guys aren’t big on interior design,” Marisa joked. “What, this is the...fifth same old drab grey corridor. Come on, would it really kill you to install a window?”

“Well, we’re about fifty feet underground.” Genesis replied, rolling his eyes. “So no, we cannot install a window. Does your species need access to sunlight?”

“Well, kinda. You turn pale and sickly without it,” Marisa answered, continuing to follow the group. After yet another turn into yet another bland concrete corridor, Marisa was about ready to cry from the sheer boredom the corridors were producing.

“We’re here.” the general said, opening the door with his hooves. Marisa stepped forwards and slammed her head on the top of the door frame.

“Dammit!” Marisa cried out, holding her forehead. “What the hell? How small is this doorway!?”

Genesis scoffed, and pointed up to a yellow and black sign. Marisa couldn’t understand a single word.

The group filed into the conference room. Marisa sat down on the first available seat and put her feet up onto the table.

“Okay Marisa, we can discuss terms further in here,” the general began before even sitting down. “My name is Senator-General Irons. Your hat is currently in a storage room along with your Tactical Laser, and two coins of unknown origin.”

Genesis cleared his throat. “I am Genesis. I am the head researcher of the Canterlot Mine Facility, where we are now.”

The suit stood in the back of the room. “I’m Captain Holdt, I am the head of security for this particular holding sector.”

Marisa scratched the back of her head. She felt a small pain, before looking at the fresh blood under her fingernail. “Well, I’m Marisa Kirisame, and I do so many things that if all the oceans were ink, there would not be enough to write even a tenth of what I do.”

“We’re aware of that,” Irons replied. He picked up a cigar from his front pocket, before Genesis lit it with his horn. He took a puff. “So, you’re a human warrior and you’re willing to help us in our mission. What makes you so ready to work with us?”

“Are you paying me?” Marisa asked.

“We don’t officially use mercenaries,” the general replied.

“I’m not a mercenary, I’m a private contractor,” Marisa corrected.

“I see. So...” the general took a deep breath before dropping his cigar. “Damned hooves.”

Marisa looked at her own hand, before looking up. “I’m actually ready now, I just need a bath because of all the blood in my hair.”

“There’s a decontamination shower nearby, you can just use that,” Holdt said.

“Works for me.”

Marisa adjusted the hat on her head, before checking over her mini-Hakkero to ensure that the ponies did not screw with it. The general nodded towards Genesis, before the scientist pushed a pair of headphones into Marisa’s hands.

“This will allow you to keep in contact with the other members of your team and this facility,” Genesis explained.

“Woah, I was not told I was part of a team,” Marisa complained, looking at the bulky headset. “I don’t play well with others.”

“What, you thought we would just release you out into the field without any kind of back-up or supervision? This allows us to keep in contact with you, in case you decide that desertion is an option,” Irons replied, looking over at a group of five flight-suited pegasi, before calling over one of them. “Marisa, this is Halo One.”

“Hey,” Marisa greeted.

“Halo Team is making up your observation team. If you are to be believed, you can handle this threat just fine by yourself.”

“Who’s ass am I kicking today, anyway?” Marisa asked, folding her arms.

“Biped, just like you. Red mane, bat-like wings on the head and back. Similar coloured clothing to yourself. Last spotted a few miles south of Canterlot. Halo Team will lead you there.”

Marisa scanned through a mental list of everyone she ever met and cared to remember. Nothing really came up for the physical description.

“While it didn’t actually fire back, it demonstrated remarkable evasion skill,” Halo One said. She walked onto the runway and beckoned Marisa over. The Halo Team arranged themselves into a formation, leaving Marisa to awkwardly attempt to fit in on the back. Once she was in position, she took her hat off, placed the headphones on and then replaced her hat, before sitting side-saddle on her broomstick.

“Halo Team runway clearance granted, you may take off when ready,” a voice stated from Marisa’s headset. The five pegasi took off at a sprint. They heard a woosh, before viewing Marisa taking off at high speed before them. The Halo pegasi jumped into the air, allowing their wings to stretch into flight position. The pegasi caught up with the witch.

“Kirisame, slow down. We’re leading you, remember,” Halo One ordered. “Now, the target was spotted on radar a few miles east of Ponyville-”

“Pony-what?” Marisa stifled a laugh. “Real subtle!”

“Uh huh.”

“Marisa, this is Spirit Eye,” the headphones crackled with a female voice. “I’m your primary support on this mission. For the purposes of this mission, you will be assigned a call sign.”

“Assigned a what?”

“Your callsign is Pixy, we will refer to you by this name at all times. You are now under my direct command.”

“Pixy? Seriously!?” Marisa responded, half-insulted and half-amused. “Fine, whatever.”

The devil looked up into the skies before grimacing. It was those horses again. Ever since last night, she had been effectively grounded. While ground units were not forthcoming, it was still extremely annoying to have been hunted by little more than animals. She was a demon on the run from mere animals. She counted herself lucky that nobody was around to witness this.

Focusing into the sky again, she noticed the five enemies suddenly begin ascent, as a sixth enemy flier slowed down.

The devil shook her head and facepalmed. It was that damned thief whose only purpose was to make her job that much harder. She considered her options, before jumping up and taking flight.

“Welp, there it is!” Marisa called out, before focusing closer on the target. “Wait, isn’t that...that’s what’s-her-face...”

The devil stared at Marisa. Not only does the thief make her job harder, but she couldn’t even be decent enough to remember her name?!

“My name is Koakuma, thief!”

“Ah yeah! Look, no hard feelings, money is tight, and your security system sucks,” Marisa stated. “I mean, your security system must be trying to distract me with tea because I always get a cup. Or three.”

“...Are you serious. Nobody told me that was happening,” Koakuma replied, shaking her head, mindful of the circling squadron. “So what brings you to Horseland? Did they give you trouble too?”

“Yeah, but we worked it out. I just gotta take you down and they’ll let me home,” Marisa explained. “It’s all good.”

“You’re working with them!? So not only are you a thief, but you’re an honourless mercenary!”

“Damn, you’re slow. Everybody else in Gensokyo worked that out a long time ago,” Marisa responded.

“Look, if you’re here to kill me on behalf of your new masters, then I’m afraid we’re gonna have problems,” Koakuma warned, a red aura appearing around her.

“Nobody said I was here to kill you,” Marisa replied. “In fact, if you surrender now, then we can avoid a whole lot of trouble.”

Koakuma looked at the circling enemies, like vultures waiting for someone to die. “...Why should I surrender?”

“Well, dudes with missiles,” Marisa pointed out the Halo team. “Look, even if you beat me, they’ll only kill you. And I don’t want to go back to Patchy to explain her only child was blown to pieces!”

“...Where did you get that ‘child’ thing from?” Koakuma asked, concerned that Marisa had legitimately gone insane. “Never mind. If you want me to come with you, then you’ve gotta catch me first!”

Marisa stared at the devil.

“...Really.”

Koakuma took off at a quick pace. Marisa shook her head and began pursuit. The devil began laughing, before looking to her right.

“You didn’t think this through well, did you?” Marisa mocked, before grabbing the devil in a chokehold. “Don’t let the outfit fool you - I’m literally the most aerodynamic woman in the world.”

“It’s a wonder how you fly so well with such a fat head!” Koakuma yelled out from the grapple. “Truly, you defy the laws of physics!”

“I’m a human flying on a broomstick, when has anything like “the laws of physics” ever been a concern?” Marisa asked. She grabbed the devil’s arm and began flying back the way she came.

“You have the target?” Spirit Eye asked.

“Yeah, she’s not too happy, but she basically gave up without much trouble,” Marisa reported, looking at Koakuma pouting in defeat. “...Aww, don’t do that. You’ll make me feel bad.”

“Good.”

“Do you want to stop for ice cream?” Marisa asked, descending towards the nearest settlement.

“...A little,” Koakuma admitted.

“Pixy, where are you going?” Halo One questioned, watching the strange being descend towards Ponyville, dragging another strange being behind her.

“I’m gonna go get ice cream. Give me about ten minutes,” Marisa responded.

“Pixy, turn back immediately!” Spirit Eye ordered.

“Calm down, I’ll only be ten minutes!” Marisa responded. She scanned the town over, before landing in front of a pink building. She pushed the door open, checking if Koakuma was still following. Ignoring the angry orders of her immediate superiors, the witch leaned on the counter before a short, fat pony with a pink beehive.

“You sell ice cream?” Marisa asked.

“...What flavour?” the pony asked, stunned at the being - It was certainly not a species she had ever seen before, and non-ponies were very rare in this town.

“Uhh, I’ll have strawberry. Koa, what do you want?”

“Vanilla.”

“Tub or cone?” the pony asked.

“Eh, tubs,” Marisa said. The pony picked up a scoop with her mouth, before scooping the ice creams into two tubs. Marisa watched the display, wondering what civilised society would allow such an act to be acceptable in food service - If she used her mouth in a food service business, she'd be fired. Or be working in a very seedy establishment. Neither sounded appealing.

“That will be three bits,” the pony asked. Marisa handed the vanilla ice cream to Koakuma before rifling through her pocket. She dropped a pair of coins on the table. The pony stared at them, before staring at Marisa.

“...This isn’t legal tender.”

“Oh...” Marisa scratched the back of her head awkwardly. She looked at Koakuma licking the ice cream, before turning back to the shopkeeper and scooping the coins back into her pocket. “Well...I’m just borrowing this ice cream until I die!”

Marisa grabbed the devil and her ice cream and took off at a sprint out of the shop. Now dealing with both Spirit Eye and an angry shopkeeper yelling at her, she took to the sky once again. She finally found a break in the constant yelling of her superior officer.

“I wasn’t even five minutes, quit your bitching,” Marisa complained. She turned to Koakuma, wiping her mouth with her sleeve. “See, now don’t say I never get you anything nice.”

“What, I got your target!” Marisa protested, watching the iron door of her basic concrete cell slam shut. “Come on!”

“You defied direct and lawful orders,” Holdt called out from the other side.”As a result, you have lost your Level 2 Residential Privilege until further notice.”

“She wanted ice cream! Have you seen her? How could I say no?” Marisa defended herself. She noticed a second bunk on the comically-small bed. “What, I don’t even get a friend?”

The door opened again. Koakuma shuffled in with her eyes on the ground, before looking up and noticing Marisa.

“...Oh come on, really?!” Koakuma protested at the captain behind her. “I’m pretty sure this is illegal.”

The captain ignored her and slammed the door shut again. Marisa and Koakuma stared at each other for a few minutes, a look of righteous indignation on the witch, and a look of utter resignation to a terrible fate on the devil.

Mostly, Koakuma wondered what insanity allowed a prisoner in the same cell alone with her capturer. A capturer she has previous history with. It wasn't like the horses didn't know, as Koakuma had briefed them in length about Marisa and her various bad habits.

“...I call top bunk,” Marisa declared, scrambling to the bed before Koakuma could protest.

Author's Note

Without a Patchouli, the common Koakuma must find other book-obsessed nerds to associate with, in order to provide the Koakuma with sustenance. However, Marisa is the only one available. This kills the Koakuma.

Yet Another Incident

Koakuma lay on the bottom bunk, hands over her face. She knew that entering the supposed “Secret Wing” of the library would be a mistake. She let her curiosity get the better of her, and now she had a curse. A curse of ending up in a strange land, in a strange bed, in a strange underground complex owned by a strange race’s strange military with a very strange human...who snored very loudly. And strangely. Koakuma could only describe it as sounding like a dog getting strangled.

She rolled the thin pillow over her ears, ignoring how her calves fell over the metal bedframe.

Basically, at that moment, being Koakuma was suffering.

The devil looked at the clock - The only time reference they had. 3AM. Or PM. It wasn’t like they knew what outside actually looked like. She closed her eyes in an attempt to get some sleep, but her mind was racing too fast. If Koakuma had come here because she entered the Secret Wing, then how did Marisa get here? Was Marisa also in the Secret Wing?

A particularly sharp snore pierced the pillow. Koakuma growled, before getting up. She stared at the sleeping witch, before pushing her onto her side.

“Uhh...what?” Marisa sleepily asked.

“You snore like a dying cat. Shut up!” Koakuma growled, returning to her bunk.

“Ah, right...” Marisa replied, before rolling onto her back again and going back to sleep.

Koakuma stared at the top of the bunk bed, wondering if there was enough bedsheets and blankets to hang herself with. Surely death would be better than this.

Marisa jumped off the bunk. Koakuma remained in her bed, still staring at the top of the bunk.

“Hey, kid,” Marisa yawned, slipping her black dress on. The devil slowly turned towards the witch, her eyes bloodshot.

“You need to see a sleep specialist. That noise you created last night can only be described as sonic warfare.”

“Sonic warfare? That’d be a great name for a band,” Marisa laughed. She knocked on the iron door. “Hey! I want breakfast!”

A slot on the door glowed blue with telekinetic energy, before opening up, revealing a pair of eyes, before it closed again. Marisa heard the sound of a lock clicking, before the door opened.

“W-124, T-543, please follow me.”

Koakuma rolled out of the bed onto the cold floor. She slowly got to her feet, and began shambling towards the door.

Marisa played around the with the small container of butter. They had given her some bread, an apple, a small plastic stick and two tiny plastic containers of butter. She turned to the guard.

“What the hell is this?” Marisa finally asked, pointing at the inadequate ration.

Koakuma looked sternly over at Marisa. “Be nice.”

“If you think this can sustain an eighteen year old female for more than an hour, then your entire society is fucked.”

“Marisa, no- Wait, you’re eighteen?!” Koakuma wasn’t sure to be more shocked at the sudden profanity or Marisa’s young age.

“Why, how old do you think I am?” Marisa replied at Koakuma. She turned back to the guard. “In case you didn’t know, I’m absolutely starving here. This is screwing up my diet,”

Koakuma snorted in derision. “If you diet, then I’m the Queen of France.”

“Shut up, your Majesty,” Marisa replied. She turned back to the guard. “Are you even listening? Are you deaf?”

The guard stayed silent.

“Koakuma, you know medical things. Go see if this dude’s dead.”

“How do you know that I know how to pronounce a clinical death?”

“Because you live with a woman who is one dusty book away from lung failure,” Marisa folded her arms. “And since I doubt that your maid values life at all, or that Remilia is even aware of the fact that Knowledge squats in her mansion, I think it falls on you to be a carer.”

“Well, I’m not. Miss Knowledge is perfectly capable of functioning independently,” Koakuma said. “She can take her vitamins just fine without me.”

“I am alive, if that’s what you’re asking,” the guard finally declared.

“What, so why did you ignore me?!” Marisa demanded.

The guard remained silent.

“Screw this place. Koa, give me your bread,” Marisa put her hand out.

“What? No!” Koakuma defended her food from the witch.

“I bought you ice cream, you owe me!”

“You stole the ice cream!”

“Did it taste any different because I stole it?” Marisa asked.

“Hey, I’m just as hungry. Just eat your portion and deal with it.”

Marisa relented, before glancing at the guard. She leaned over the table towards Koakuma. “Hey, what if we kill that guy and cook him? He’s a horse, horses are edible.”

“No, we are not going to kill and eat a prison guard.”

“Coward.”

“Specimens!” a loudspeaker declared. “Your conversation makes for interesting listening.”

Marisa facepalmed. “Genesis!”

“In thirteen minutes with insufficient food, you have shown anger at a third party, attempted to steal someone else’s food, and then felt ready to commit murder in order to obtain food,” Genesis noted.

“So, you created an experiment? What was your hypothesis? See how long you can screw with Marisa Kirisame before she loses her patience? Because I lost my patience with you when we met.”

“No, we were just testing what happens when you are given insufficient food.”

“You’re a crappy scientist if you think we would’ve reacted in any other way,” Marisa replied. “This would’ve worked much better had you given us proper portions of food for a while, and then cut down the portions until they were nothing. Not only that, but that “third party” is complete bullshit, because he was ignoring me. Of course I was going to get angry with him! Who made you a xenobiologist, because they should be shot for gross stupidity.”

There was only silence from the loudspeaker.

“I might eat the guard just to spite you,” Marisa yelled. She sat back down and turned to Koakuma. “Did you meet that son of a bitch when they interrogated you?”

“That guy on the microphone? Yeah, he was pretty threatening towards me.”

“Yeah, he’s...socially challenged,” Marisa picked up the first piece of bread and took some crust off it, before eating the crust. “Maybe his mother didn’t hug him enough, I don’t know.”

Koakuma stared at Marisa. “Do you ever think about what you say before you say it?”

“Why should I? Nobody pays me to think.”

“...Nobody pays you at all, you don’t have any employment,” Koakuma responded. “In fact, have you ever had a legal job?”

“Once, when I was thirteen.”

“And what happened?”

“Got fired. Claimed he saw me stealing. Which I didn’t.”

“Marisa, I know you too well by now to-”

“No seriously, I actually wasn’t stealing anything. He fired me on a hunch because he lost a few apples or something,” Marisa spread some butter onto the second piece of bread. “From that point on, I thought ‘Why should I make the effort of coming clean, and getting a job when people just fire me on baseless accusations anyway?’”

“Wow...”

“Joke was on him though, he had to close down the shop a month later because someone kept attacking his suppliers. And hey, the current gig I have is the greatest. No contract hours, pay is whatever I want, I can call over my friends and nobody will yell at me, I can come into work high, or drunk, and nobody bats an eyelid...”

Koakuma stared at Marisa again. “You have a strange quality, where you can make me empathise with you and maybe give you the benefit of the doubt, and then you proceed to piss away all that good will with the next thing you say.”

Marisa shrugged. “I’m an acquired taste. Like beer, or horse.”

Genesis listened intently on the conversation. Unlike Equestrians, these creatures had absolutely zero problems with using profanities - Equestrians rarely swore, as it was seen as a sign of brutality, or unintelligence. Humans and youkai, however, said whatever they wanted. Koakuma’s...colourful description of Marisa proved that. In addition, Marisa talked about eating ponies more than was comfortable, in front of a pony.

Genesis turned around towards General Irons.

“Sir, these creatures...they’re absolutely perfect. They consume meat and are very loud about that fact, their language is similar to ours in many ways, but they do not have the mental block against profanity most ponies have.”

Irons furrowed his brow. “Carnivorism and swearing isn’t enough. Ponies know of those facts and choose to ignore them. We need them to be shocking. They need to inspire fear.” Irons looked into the screen at Marisa talking to Koakuma, listening intently.

“-So this youkai caught me out in the forest once. I was pretty wasted, and she kept messing with my vision. Broke my nose walking into a tree. So when I found her, I managed to create a new spell just to shoot her. I can’t remember what I did, but it hit her so hard she became a lamprey chef.”

Irons allowed a small grin on his face. “Of course. Their natures.”

“What do you mean?”

“Humans and youkai. They’re violent creatures. Think about your average pony. Now, show them some blood. What do they do?”

“Well, they freak out.”

“Exactly,” Irons replied, lighting a cigar. “From what that devil told me, their world is literally an eternal war. Their economy is sub-standard, civilians are ‘acceptable losses’ and they actually had to implement a duel system to stop so many fatalities. The war is ceremonial at this point. They do it because it’s what has always been done.”

Genesis’s took a sharp intake of breath as he remembered something. “Oh, we also decoded some of their combat system’s magic.”

“Oh?”

“Well, it is definitely not of Equestrian origin. The language written on the cards is indecipherable, and from a test fire of the card we have, it failed to function. Not even a combat mage could get it to work,” Genesis explained. “We asked T-543 about the magic of her world, and she said there’s so many different forms. The primary division is “Eastern” and “Western” magic. Where Eastern magic is powered by a connection to the land, and to the religion of the user, Western is powered by the sheer willpower of the individual to cause supernatural effects in a natural world, and appears to also be connected with physical fitness.”

“Well, if their non-lethal magics don’t work here, then we’ll have to be more careful with what we send Kirisame out with,” Irons took the cigar out of his mouth and extinguished it on an ashtray. “I have just the idea...”

“What?”

“Call up the Everfree Containment Zone. I want them to release one anomaly and try and influence it towards a major population center. We’ll track it, and set Kirisame up with it. We’ll get to see if Kirisame can really hold her own in a fight, and the public will start talking.”

“But sir, aren’t we trying to keep them a secret!?”

“Think what a little public paranoia can do. When you tell your ponies that what you do is to protect them from a clear and present threat, they’ll agree to anything. The threat of foreign invasion? Increase military spending. Changeling outbreak? Well, a firebombing is not out of the question any more. Alien invasion? And the government is doing nothing? Well, the military is our only hope now.”

Irons gave a small chuckle. “Of course, the primary risk to all this is the Democratic Party in the senate. I know how to stop them, it’s a small matter of simply making the public believe something. After all, if you can’t trust your own media, then who can you trust?”

“And how will you stop them?”

“It’s easy to stop terrorist sympathisers in your government. Just accuse the right pony and the entire rotten structure falls down. Once I’m done with them, ‘Democrat’ will be a profane word you call the asshole at work. A little atrocity here, and the senate will be scrambling to counter the ruthless confrontation of the Democratic Party of Equestria. And who else should be trusted with emergency powers than the trustworthy, thrice-elected Free Party leader, Senator Irons?”

Genesis grinned. “Sir, I like the way you think.”

“What do you think I pay you for?” Irons smiled back. “Anyway, keep up the good work. I’ve got a date to get to in Canterlot. Promised my wife that I'd get home early today."

Author's Note

Sorry for the time it took for this chapter to come out.