What Are We Gonna do on the Bed?
“So, are you going to do it?” Big Mac asked.
“Huh? Do what?” Dexter said.
Big Mac scrunched his eyebrows and gave his friend a look. “About last night. You don’t remember?”
Dexter gave a nervous chuckle and rubbed the back of his head. “Uh, well, I really don’t recall anything.”
Big Mac sighed. “You promised to babysit Apple Bloom for the rest of week, remember?”
Dexter gulped, trying to remember any memory that would prove use to him. However, thinking about it fuzzed up his memory even more. After a few unsure chuckles, he gave a weak smile.
“Uh, when did I promise it again?”
Dexter was a guy with brown hair and had modest height. However, compared to Big Mac, he was dwarfed when standing next to him. He was fairly skinny, but had toned muscles that seemed to be nothing next to Big Mac.
“You promised last night,” Big Mac said simply, taking a sip from a bottle in his large hands. Big Macintosh was a large man with working hands and a tough body. With enormous shoulders and green eyes, brilliant orange hair laid on top of his head.
“When again?” Dexter asked.
Big Mac seemed to be annoyed by the same repetitive question. “Last night,” he replied.
“What time exactly?”
“Do you need an exact time, Dex?”
“Y-Yes.”
“It was just last night,” Big Mac grumbled, with anger in his low voice.
Dexter didn’t push the question and sat silently with his drink in one hand. “So, uh,” he began, “What do I need to do?”
“Just babysit Apple Bloom,” Big Mac simply replied before chugging the rest of his hard cider.
“Riiiight.”
“She’s a well-behaved girl,” Big Mac said, wiping his mouth with his muscular arm, “You’ll have no problem looking after her.”
“Fabulous.”
“You do realize that you have to do this because of what you did last night, Dex,” Big Mac said, getting up from his seat. He placed his bottle in a bin and grabbed a long piece of paper on the counter.
“But when?” Dexter mumbled under his breath.
“Here,” Big Mac said, gently shoving a list into his face, “These are the chores and things you should do if you want to live.”
“What?”
Big Mac gave a light chuckle. “C’mon Dex, what would I do? Kill you?” he said jokingly. Dexter replied with a laugh of his own. However, his was very weak and died quickly afterwards. He gave a gulp before Big Mac spoke.
“Just don’t mess anything up and you’ll do good,” Big Mac said, sitting down at the table with Dexter, “I just need you to do this favor.”
Dexter pondered on this for a moment. “Okay. Alright,” he said finally, “Fine, I’ll do it.”
Big Mac smiled. “Thanks.”
“B-But did I mention I’m not good with kids?”
“Alright Crusaders,” a young female voice proclaimed with charisma, “We ride at dusk!!”
Dexter and Big Mac observed three little girls outside playing underneath the clubhouse in the orchard. The late afternoon began to wind down after a tiring day. Brilliant orange color colored the sky with majesty just like a watercolor painting. The three little girls laughed as the beautiful sun began to dip in the sky.
“If you’re not good with kids, I have a few tips for you,” Big Mac said as Dexter nervously sipped his drink. “All you have to do is to be nice and play along in their fantasy. Hopefully, they’ll scramble off and do their own thing.”
Dexter groaned. “But they’re too energetic and have the mind of devils.”
“Now, Apple Bloom isn’t like that, Dex,” Big Mac replied to his friend’s whining, “Besides, her friends are going home soon.”
“How do you know that she’s not the devil?”
“She’s my sister.”
“That doesn’t help your point.”
“Dex, you’ve never had siblings. Why not spend time with her?” Big Mac asked, “She’s friendly and won’t convert you into one of the devil’s spawn.”
“That’s assuring, Big Mac,” Dex replied sarcastically. He then took a large gulp of his drink.
“Hey, take it easy,” Big Mac said, looking down at Dex’s bottle, “That’s your fourth one.”
“It ain’t enough,” he said as he chugged it down. He felt the alcohol shoot down his throat, making him give a slight cough. “Is hard apple cider all you have?” Dex asked.
“What do you want then? Just hard cider?”
“What kind of cider?”
“Piss cider.”
Dex blew a raspberry and leaned into the fence in front of him. “Naw.”
“If this makes you feel better, why not just go buy a pack of beer and relax in the house when Apple Bloom’s in bed?” Big Mac suggested, “I do it myself sometimes.”
“What time does she usually sleep?”
“9 o’ clock.”
“Heh, just 9?” Dex smirked, “I got this babyshit in the bag!” he said, making a motion where he put something in a “bag”.
“You touch baby shit?”
“Yea- I mean, no!!”
“You are who you are, Dexter Rylan,” Big Mac chuckled and then he sighed. “You know, you may not like what you have to do, but Dex, you don’t know how much this trip means to me. For Applejack and Granny Smith too.”
Dex gave a small smile. “Well, that’s what friends are for, ain’t it?”
Big Mac gave a back breaking pat on Dex’s back. A loud crunch and a slap indicated a brutal impact. In turn, Big Mac was just giving a very friendly gesture. “You’re right, Dex,” the muscular man said with a smile. Dex whimpered, which seemed to be an acceptable response.
“So, when are you leaving?” Dex groaned, rubbing his back.
“Tonight.”
“Charming.”
Dex didn’t ask Big Mac where he was going. He didn’t want to stick his nose in other people’s businesses. Trying to keep the conversation away from his friend’s affairs, he steered the topic aside.
“So, what does Apple Bloom like to do?” Dex asked, looking towards Big Mac.
“Well,” Big Mac said, observing his little sister. Apple Bloom’s red hair was seen from afar, and the little girl seemed to stick a sharp pole into a bag. “She’s very adventurous and loves to do new things.”
“She likes adventures?”
“She’s just not afraid to do something new.”
“Gotcha.”
A few seconds passed before Dex watched Apple Bloom and her friends Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo “crusading” on something. He squinted his eyes to see what the girls were doing.
“Are they lynching something?”
Big Mac and Dex sat on couches opposite of each other, enjoying a tall cold glass of hard apple cider. The serene Sweet Apple Acres was gentle and calm, leaving the two men to sigh.
“It really looked like lynching though,” Dex spoke up to a tired Big Mac.
“What you did seals the deal of you being the target,” Big Mac said, seeming to be disappointed. “I can see why you’re not good with kids.”
“Target? What target?” Dex asked worriedly. He looked around him to see only nothing.
“They were just pretending to be bounty hunters that captured a criminal,” Big Mac explained, “Even though they had a rope tied around the “neck”, it doesn’t mean they know-”
“Attack!!” a shrilly voice erupted.
Dex was suddenly gagged by a bandanna to the mouth and was anchored to his seat. Three voices of laughter filled the room as Big Mac watched on nonchalantly. Dex was too surprised to do anything.
Apple Bloom jumped out of nowhere with a palm full of white cream. “Smack!!” she exclaimed. Her hand made a magnificent sound across Dex’s face. The minty fluff exploded upon impact, leaving the man dazed from the assault. His face and the couch he sat was covered with cream. Dex still sat with the bottle in his hand, hearing the three voices of the little girls outside.
“Not the first time you sent a girl running out of the room screaming,” Big Mac said, taking a long drag of his drink.
Dex wiped his face and looked at the cream. “Not the first time I sent three girls screaming from a room.”
Big Mac choked on his drink and sputtered. “C’mon, really?”
Dex shrugged.
“C’mon, step to it!!” an old voice said from the other side of the house, “We have to go now or we’ll be late!!”
“Granny Smith, we’ll be fine,” a young woman’s voice with a southern accent replied, “You’re just getting worked up a bit.”
Big Mac’s younger sister, Applejack walked in. A woman older than Apple Bloom, in Dex’s eyes was one fiiiie lady. Applejack wore a small jacket and short skimpy jeans. She took notice of Dex.
“Oh, howdy Dex!!” Applejack said, appearing to carry multiple bags. He began to reply a greeting, but an old voice interrupted him.
“Why, hey there youngin’!” Granny Smith said, giving a little wave. Granny Smith was a fragile old lady with a white bun at the top of her head. “Mustard, was it?”
“Uh, yes ma’am,” Dexter replied to the little old lady.
“Well Dexturd, you’re one handsome young man,” Granny Smith said cheerfully, poking his bicep. “He’s good looking, isn’t he?” she whispered towards Applejack, but was loud enough for everyone to hear.
Applejack blushed. “Gr-Granny, please!” she blushed, flushing red. Dex turned into a shade of crimson himself and looked onto the ground, avoiding any gaze brought upon him.
“Oh, poppycock!” Granny Smith said, “You always told me of how you liked guys that had-”
“Better get going Granny!!” Applejack said very quickly, pushing her grandmother out of the house, “We have to go!!”
Big Mac rubbed the back of his head, unsure what to say in the current situation. “Uh, well, good luck I guess,” he said, giving a thumbs up towards Dex, “On the babysitting part, not with Applejack,” he said very sternly.
Dex just stood there silently for a moment. With a soft smile on his face, he looked towards his friend. “You can count on me, brother,” he said, “Don’t worry about a thing.”
“Thanks, man,” Big Mac said, giving a pat on Dex’s back. “See ya’ Saturday night.”
The next thing Dexter knew, he was given the responsibility of Sweet Apple Acres. He gave a loud sigh and scratched his ass. “Well, I can’t disappoint Big Mac.” Dex walked over to the clock and checked the time. “5:30 P.M.” he said to himself. Right below was the calendar. And today was Monday.
“Fuck.”
That was all Dex could say.
“Applejack, what’s for dinner?!” Apple Bloom’s voice rang through the door. Three sets of feet announced the arrival of Dex’s assailants. What Dex felt was his bowels rupturing in sheer terror.
“Dex?” Apple Bloom exclaimed, running up to him, “Why are you here?”
Dex blinked for a moment, feeling today’s worth of alcohol hit him hard. He felt himself get a bit tipsy and tried to restrain control. “Ah, well, funny story,” he slurred. He then gave a nervous chuckle, “I’m just, uh, here to look after the farm while your family was away for the week.”
“But that’s not supposed to be until Monday!!” Apple Bloom said, scampering towards the calendar. Her friends; Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo followed close behind. “I thought it was a Sunday!!”
“I can’t go home now!” Sweetie Belle said with a squeaky voice said, “Rarity is away for the night!!”
“I can’t either!” Scootaloo exclaimed, “My parents are away on an errand and Rainbow Dash is at a Wonderbolts meet in Cloudsdale!”
“Did you talk about this stuff with Big Mac or Applejack?” Dex asked, raising an eyebrow. He crossed his arms.
“Ehh… no?” Apple Bloom said, giving a weak smile.
“Jesus H. Christ. Little kids, man,” Dex said, saying it soft so that the kids wouldn’t hear him. He placed his face in his right hand and his left hand on his left hip. “Okay, so, we need to think this out.”
The little girls’ stomach grumbled, not helping Dex’s rising annoyance. He caved in.
“Okay, dinner, what do you all want?” he asked, raising his hands up. He lifted his head up and sighed.
“What do you have?” Sweetie Belle said.
“I can just look in the freezer and just microwave a few things,” Dex said, “Now, go dilly dally and have fun,” he said, shooing them away.
“But we’re tired. We just finished playing,” Scootaloo piped up. However, she quickly shushed down when she felt a sharp glare from Dex. Sweetie Belle also cowered down, leaving Apple Bloom to speak up. “We can just go to my room,” Apple Bloom suggested, “We can just wait until the food is all done.”
In a flash, the three went upstairs, leaving the man in stress and pressure within moments. “Dex, man, just stay calm,” he told himself, “Just be nice to them. Just be nice.”
Dex walked over to the fridge and opened it. All he could see were glass bottles of apples and even more apples. He gave a tsk. “What can I make now?” he asked himself. He rubbed his eyes with his right hand and closed the fridge. He then picked up the phone.
“Six boxes of pizza, Dex?” a pizza delivery guy asked, watching Dex unfold money bills. “At a farm?”
“Shut up, Pepper,” Dex replied, handing the pizza guy a few bills and gold coins, “These are for the week anyway.” The six hot pies in the brown boxes gave a warm contact with his skin.
“Why do you smell like shaving cream?” Pepper asked, sniffing Dex’s face, “You don’t shave!”
“I just had to clean up that stuff,” Dex grumbled, “Just bullshit.”
“Alrighty sir,” Pepper said, giving a small tip with his hat, “Have a good night. And don’t drink too much,” he added, giving the two six-packs of beer a look.
Dex scoffed. “I’m not a drunk y’know,” he called out after Pepper. The pizza guy replied with his hand up in the air. The dark night soon covered him, leaving Dex under the light of the farm house. The stars above began to carve in the black. The faint luminance from the town, Ponyville, was seen not far from Sweet Apple Acres. The sun had began its deep slumber, giving Dex to stare at the early evening sky. He then walked back inside the house.
The man walked into the kitchen and placed the steaming pizza pies onto a table. It dawned on him that the pizzas were only his personal favorites. The thoughts of asking the little shits of what they wanted never brushed his mind.
“I hope they eat at least half of one box,” he said, “How much can three little girls eat anyway?” Dex walked back to the door to get the soda and breadsticks. He then made another trip to get his beer and tossed it in the fridge. Dex began his climb onto the wooden stairs to call out the girls from Apple Bloom’s room. Making his way through the hall, a little crack of the door with the light indicated they were inside. Before he could knock, he couldn’t help but overhear the conversation.
“How’d you find these magazines anyway?” Scootaloo’s voice asked.
“I found them in Applejack’s room,” Apple Bloom replied, “I was collecting clothes for the laundry and found these under them.”
“So these are how boys look like, huh?” Sweetie Belle asked, her voice full of curiosity, “Weird.”
Dex didn’t want to hear any more. He knocked on the door. “Dinner’s ready,” he called out, hearing violently shuffling as he spoke those words. “Hide them!!” Apple Bloom’s voice hushed.
Within moments, the three girls bustled out of the room, smacking their heads into Dex’s stomach. He grunted, taking a few steps back from the impact.
“Ow, hey, what’s the rush?” he asked, looking at each of the girls. Their faces were red, unable to say a word. He decided to keep the action flowing. “There’s pizzas downstairs, so if you’re hungry, just chow down.” The next thing he knew, they were gone.
Dex rubbed his belly and groaned. “They have such hard heads.” The wide open door to Apple Bloom’s caught his attention. After what he had heard, he couldn’t help but peek inside. Apple Bloom’s room was simple and small. Wooden boards lined up the floor and a large bed laid in the middle of the room. A small dresser stood on his right along with masses of clothes. He gave a snort when he saw a corner of a magazine from a pile. But when he saw a pair of panties, little girls panties to be specific, he withdrew and went downstairs.
Upon arrival, he saw the three girls horking down on the pizza. Bits of cheese and bread spewed everywhere. “Hey, hey, hey, hey!!” Dex said, interrupting their feast, “What are all of you doing?!”
“Eating?” Apple Bloom answered with red sauce and cheese bits on her face.
“Sweet Gandhi,” Dex said, grabbing napkins off the table. He gently, but quickly wiped Apple Bloom’s mouth. “Let’s be civilized human beings, okay?” he asked, looking at the girls in the eyes. He balled the napkin with his hands.
“But we were just really hungry,” Sweetie Belle said with her mouth full, “We didn’t even eat lunch.” What Dex saw was a red blob inside a white demon’s mouth and did not say anything. He gave a very soft disgusted groan and looked at the table.
“And plates, there’s no plates,” Dex said, opening a cupboard, “And you also need cups.”
“Thank you,” the three girls said in unison. Dex grumbled in what appeared to sound like a reply. Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo quickly wiped their faces in the hopes it would lighten up Dex’s move.
Unfortunately, it didn’t.
“It was only one kid. Just one kid,” Dex muttered to himself. He rummaged through the cupboard, grabbing a few plates, “But no, it’s a 3-in-1 shit deal. Why is this happening to me?”
As Dex was talking to himself, he began to search for cups. With his back turned to the girls, what he did not know was that three pairs of eyes were staring at his rump.
“It’s a perfect shape,” Sweetie Belle whispered, looking at the nice ass in Dex’s jeans, “They’re just like the models in the magazines.”
“ ‘Models’,” Scootaloo said, air quoting the word, “What would they model for anyway? They’re naked.”
Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle nodded in agreement. “But maybe Dex knows,” Apple Bloom whispered.
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo gave an unsure look. “He’s a total grump though, Apple Bloom,” Sweetie Belle said.
“You trust him?” Scootaloo added in.
Apple Bloom gave a shrug. “Eh.”
“What do you all want to drink?” Dex asked out of the blue, scaring the jeebies out of the trio. When the three jumped in surprise up in that moment, Dex gave a deadpan stare and grabbed a multi-liter bottle.
“Well, all I have for all of you is only a bottle of carbonated sugar crap,” he said, holding up the cola. “Or water. Sink water,” Dex said, pointing at the faucet.
The three didn’t say anything.
“No objections? Everything is good?” Dex asked.
No reply.
“Okay then.”
He gave a sigh along with a mumble and left the room. Apple Bloom could hear him go up the stairs and enter into the guest room. The three looked up to hear him crash on the bed.
“Mr. Grumpy doesn’t like us,” Scootaloo said, getting off the chair to get the plates.
“Why doesn’t he?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“We did smack him not too long ago,” Apple Bloom said nervously.
“True.”
“Very true.”
Sweetie Belle grabbed a cup and the giant bottle of soda. “I mean, beside from that, what did we do to him?” she asked, taking the cap off from the highly pressurized bottle. The bottle began to erupt, sending a stream of the dark liquid everywhere.
“Ah!! Nononono!!!” Sweetie Belle screamed as the bottle’s fuel of soda rocketed downwards. The multi-liter bottle was knocked to the side, drenching Apple Bloom in the sticky serum of sugar.
Dex groaned and collapsed onto the guest bed. “Why is it that taking care of kids is so hard?” He shoved his face in the pillow and gave a loud groan. “This is just stressing me out.” He turned face-side up and stared at the ceiling above him. He looked to his side and saw the list given by Big Mac.
He began reading it. He then face palmed.
-When Apple Bloom takes a bath, make sure you’re there to help her.
-Apple Bloom likes her apples whole. Don’t slice them.
-Apple Bloom likes to ask questions.
-Are you reading all this, Dex?
With about more than thirty things, Dex threw the list to the side. “Glorious responsibility.” He then sighed. “Is this all a cruel joke?” Dex looked at the list again. “Then again, I can’t let Big Mac down. I owe him too much things.”
Dex walked into the bathroom in the guest room and admired himself in the mirror. His dark hazelnut eyes stared back. His face was hairless. No beard, no moustache, no nothing. He touched his face with his fingers. His hair gently spiked up, giving a very charming look.
“You handsome stud,” he said, giving a smirk to himself. His white teeth gleamed back. “Why yes, I am the poon slayer.”
Dex took notice of a large stain of pizza sauce on his shirt and gave a frown. “Aw, I liked this shirt too,” he said, taking it off. Dex unraveled toilet paper nearby and dabbed at the stain. Instead of cleaning it, it pressed the sauce deeper in. “Ugh.”
He looked at the mirror.
“Heh, heh, heh, helllllllloooo there!” Dex said, flexing his arm at himself. “Sun’s out, guns out!” he said before looking out the window. The darkness stared back at him. “Huh.”
“Ah!! Nononono!!!”
*CRASH*
“God fucking damnit.”
“Sw-Sweetie Belle, why did you do that?” Apple Bloom asked with horror, drenched in the sugary drink.
“Sorry, sorry, sorry sorry!!” Sweetie Belle pleaded.
Scootaloo grabbed a bunch of napkins and threw it at the forming puddle on the ground. The mass of napkins did nothing to the continuing onslaught of the wave of bubbly soda.
“What do we do?!” Scootaloo exclaimed. However, oncoming footsteps from upstairs sent a chill down every girl’s spine.
Dex appeared half-naked and seemed to look pissed. Uber pissed, in fact. “What happened here?” he asked, looking at the situation.
He saw Sweetie Belle with the giant plastic bottle in her little hands. With the bottle’s tip pointed at Apple Bloom, who was completely soaked, Scootaloo had dumped napkins on the spill.
“Hi?” Sweetie Belle said, giving a fake grin.
Apple Bloom shined a flashlight, lighting up the faces of herself, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo. “Gee, I’m glad that’s over with,” Scootaloo said, “Dexter scares me.”
The three sat in a tent inside the clubhouse in the orchard. “I feel bad for him,” Sweetie Belle said, hugging her pillow, “He doesn’t seem like the type to take care of kids like us.”
“Dex isn’t really like Fluttershy at all, really,” Apple Bloom added in, “He must be venting out at the farm house.”
“Wait, does he know we ate four boxes of pizza?” Sweetie Belle asked, looking at her friends.
“I don’t think so,” Apple Bloom said.
“And I, uh, snuck in the fifth box in here,” Scootaloo said, giving a weak grin. It soon shattered when Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom grew worried.
“We have a load of snacks for the night at least,” Apple Bloom said, looking at the pile of chips, cookies, and pastries, “I hope Dex doesn’t hate us,” she said sadly.
“We just gave him a hard time without knowing,” Scootaloo said, “Besides, it was all for fun.”
Sweetie Belle nodded in agreement.
“I sure hope so,” Apple Bloom muttered.
Dex cracked a cold one opened and leaned back on a couch. “Finally!! Some peace and quiet!!” he said triumphantly. He took a small sip before turning on a radio nearby.
You know I like my chicken fried the radio sang.
“And Cold beer on a, uh, Monday night!!” Dex said, singing with the radio, “A pair of jeans that fit just right!” he continued on, “And the radio oooooooonnn!”
The fiddle and drums started to play, relaxing Dex to his core. He gave a deep sigh and smiled. He took a sip of his beer and felt the jeans he wore fit just right. “This is life,” Dex said simply. He finished his can of beer quickly and opened another.
His relaxed face soon turned into worry. “Gee, I hope the kids don’t hate me,” Dex said, looking at the clubhouse outside, “It was just too much for me to take today,” he said to himself, taking a gulp of his beverage. “You know, it was too much for me today that I can just pass out right now!”
Dex collapsed into the couch and started to snore loudly.
