The New News Channel That Distributes New News For All Your News Needs
*tap tap tap* *Clears throat*
"Hello ponies of Ponyville. My name is- hold on."
*Clears throat again*
"Excuse me for just a moment."
*Has extreme coughing fit*
"Sorry for the inconvenience. Anyway, my name is Watch. I am going the beautiful voice that you listen to today. And, just maybe, for the rest of your life. That is, if you have ears. If you don't have ears, I encourage you to turn off the radio and forget everything. If you were offended by that statement, I encourage you that all complaints will be accepted at the front desk of the radio station. Just outside of town. They will be accepted, just not read. No. The stallion who did that died. But once in a while, you can still hear him. Probably touching himself in the corner."
"Now, recently, I was given this radio channel. You see, due to recent budget cuts, I was given this channel. See what you have done, Ponyvillians? Ha ha ha. No, no, don't feel ashamed of yourself. In fact, be happy! Because now you have me. And that is all you will ever need. Now I like to say that this is the new news channel that distributes new news for all of your news needs. I tried to make it a tongue twister, but we don't want to re-live the massive tongue twister of 16460000 would we? No, I do not believe we do. Most of us at least. Anyway, enough fooling around. I have news to give you."
"Mayor Mare has given a speech outside the town house today. She said that there is going to be a new Library built in honor of Ponyville's first princess. Princess Twilight Sparkle. Unfortunately, the princess had a few problems with this. One, she claims she wasn't told by anypony about this. Two, there already is a library in the town in which she feels is very unappreciated. And three, she is not even native to this town."
"Nopony cared. They were too excited about the new library. Intelligently named, the Princess Twilight Sparkle Honorary Library. The problem is, Nopony knows where to put it. But recent suggestions say that the old library is a good place to start. I'm not too sure. I think that the old library is still young enough. But who am I to say that. I'm just a stallion with a very sexually appealing voice."
"Shining Armor- I'm sorry- Prince Shining Armor, has declared war on the Everfree Forest. I was lucky enough to get a five second interview with him. I asked, "Prince Shining Armor, Why have you declared war on the Everfree?"
"In reply, he simply said, "Well- hay! How did you get in this room?!" I was then removed from his royal bedroom. I didn't see what was wrong. Him and his lovely wife were just wrestling on the bed. Also, I forgot to mention, I'm supposed to keep this channel child friendly. Or, at least, to a civil extent. So, to all you adults out there. Wink, wink."
"Discord, the god of chaos, announced he was going to start up a gym. Unfortunately, he said this in Sugar Cube Corner. On Fat Pony appreciation day. He was immediately thrown out of the store. I'm not even sure if he meant it. Nopony takes this day very seriously. Why, a few years back, when I was still in collage, I walked into an all-you-can-eat buffet. I ran the salad stand. The next year, I went door to door selling diet pills. Ah Fat Pony appreciation day. I can't wait for Vegetarian appreciation day."
"Speaking of fat, lazy ponies, Princess Celestia has written a new book. And, as you might have guessed, it's about her life. How completely boring. In fact, I am only telling you about this because I encourage you not to buy it. I won't even tell you the name."
"What was that? But- Fine."
"Sorry. But since this is the princess's book, I am being forced to tell you the title of the book and encourage you to buy it. Specifically so Princess Celestia can get money. Ponies believe that she will use said money to repay the debt. But I assure you that she will only use the money to buy illegal drugs like last time. I still think she should have been arrested. The autobiography is called, Celestia... I'm honestly not surprised."
"The Ponyville Fire Department is holding a fundraiser. They are supporting cancer research. They are doing this in memory of Chance. A teenager that has recently died of the unforgiving disease. Their aim is to reach at least 100,000 bits in the course of three months. In fact, I have already donated to this beautiful cause. I encourage you to do the same. But whatever you do, do not look into the eyes of the fire chief. He is known to take your soul and devour it if you look into his eyes. Although, according to the priest, Father Father, he is a demon from hell."
"Now who does Father Father think he is? Spreading rumors about a wonderful stallion as the fire chief! Those are the kinds of things I look down upon. So, kids, be cool, stay in school, don't spread rumors, don't look into the fire chief's eyes. And most importantly, don't be religious. Or else others will look down on you. That was a word from the federal government."
"Time Turner, the leading specialist in time travel, claims that time does not exist. That's right. Time does not exist. He said it's all in our heads. He says the reason things and ponies age is because we think. According to Time Turner, our thoughts just generate an extreme amount of radiation. This radiation makes our bodies only appear old and it has an effect on the things around us. So ladies. If you want to stay young, just don't think. I hope it works for you."
"On the corner of Cherrygrove Avenue and Larkwind Lane, there is a pick-it sign protest. These ponies think that magic is unlawful, unfair, and unrealistic. Now, what I've noticed, is that all these protesters are pegisi. As for the earth ponies, much like myself, they say the whole thing is ludicrous. There are more important things to worry about these days. When I asked what kinds of things, they just laughed and went back to work. I don't yet know if they were just doing because our almighty ruler put them up to it or they were making fun of my ignorance."
"Discord, the god of chaos, apparently lived up to his word. He built it on Meadow Road, right by the ice cream shop. It hasn't quite opened yet, but he plans to open it if five minutes. Right now, Nopony is standing outside so they can get a membership at the gym. Instead, they are all at the ice cream shop, right by the gym. Discord said he wasn't troubled by this. Customers will come. Soon enough."
"There is a commercial airliner in the air. But the thing is, it's just hovering there. It's not going forwards nor is it going backwards. One of the smarter scientists in this town went up to inspect this plane. She said it was completely empty. It had no seats, no windows, no engines and no pilots. She also measured to see if the plane was moving at all. She said it reacting like the sun would. There is a force inside, trying to escape. And there is a force outside, trying to crumple it into a little ball. She also said that one day, the plane would collapse, causing a minor rapture. At least we will know how we all die in the end. A mysterious plane will explode and we die. Although, she didn't say anything about the plane actually moving."
"Now, a public service announcement. Should you let your child play with matches? Yes. Scientists are studying this and want to see just how children react when locked in a room with fire. So contribute to science. Give that little slugger or princess a box of matches and study them. You'll be doing science a favor."
"Parents: Do you have a playful child, full of life, who loves to play outside? Because it's time for the weather. Today, there is a lightning storm. A very dangerous one at that. Ten ponies have all died. All of them foals. All of them full of life. Well, not anymore. Right? Heh, heh, heh. So, unless you hate your child so much that you wish you had aborted it. I encourage you to stay inside and lock the doors. If you find blood on your window, leave it there. I am not at liberty to discus why, just leave it there."
"Now, let's take a look at the seven day forecast..."
"Um hmm... Oh, I see."
"Tomorrow, Saturday, it's going to be sunny. That's always good. Sunday, there will be a heat wave. Monday, partly cloudy. Tuesday, a blizzard. On Wednesday, hair. On Thursday, nothing. Huh, that's funny. There will be absolutely no weather on Thursday. So remember everypony, grab your children and your spouse and hide in the cellar. And don't forget to bring your radio. I will give the announcement when atmosphere has returned and the black figure has gone back into hiding after being satisfied."
"Now let's look at the traffic..."
"Yes... yes."
"Well, good news. Traffic is quite good today. Although, a few trains have been derailed. But no matter. The bridge to nowhere is empty as usual. So you have that. Other than that, everything is moving swimmingly. So don't worry about missing work today. I'm sure you'll make it. Only to be fired, thanks to the budget cuts."
"Well, now I'm going to take a little break. But don't worry. I'll be back soon. So stay tuned. I'll return with more news and other things. But first, a word from our sponsor."
"Do you like food? Well so do we. In fact, we like food so much, we decided that it was in our best interest to give some to you. Eat at the Hay Burger. Hay! You should try it!"
INTERMISSION
Grab yourself a snack and listen to some music.
"Hello again. I'm back. Let's just plunge right in, shall we?"
"Right now, outside of the palace in Canterlot, Shining Armor and Princess Cadence are selling liberty bonds to support the war effort against the Everfree Forest. They only have two contributors, but they are big ones. They are both lumber companies. And they both have given a lot of money. Now, since there is a war out and about now, you know what that means. Until the war has ended, freedom of speech will be greatly reduced. But I'm sure you know that already. So, don't criticize the government, Celestia, and the ruler of the world who nopony knows. I saw him once. I am not allowed to explain what I saw. Whatsoever"
"Now for sports! The town's hoofball team, the Ponyville Fryers, defeated the Saddle Arabia Boomers 21 to 14. With the running back, Wild Rush, scoring the winning touchdown. Way to go you guys! And as for the Boomers, I guess you can say that this game- was a dud. Support the Fryers at there next game against the Super Bowl champions, the Seattle Seahawks."
"This just in, Time Turner has made a new club. The Time Irrationality Teaching System. Or T.I.T.S. for short. This is an education system that will educate the world about the truth about time. If you believe anything this guy says, take some time and sign up. I think I'll just stick with the ol' Time Exists thing until further notice."
"The protest on Cherrygrove and Larkwind has parted. Most of them realized that the whole thing was silly and they went home. I agree with them. I think magic is fine. And as for the rest that stayed to protest, well, nopony knows what happened to them. The last they were seen, they were surrounded by ponies in black robes. They were chanting something in foreign tongues. And they just disappeared."
"Tomorrow night, guess who back? The Neo Nazi group. I think they are a little behind time. But hay, it's just me. So if you support the Neo Nazi group, take attendance at the event hall. There will be a debate against Photo Finish, on the Nazi side, and Princess Luna on everypony else's side. What they will be debating, I haven't the slightest clue."
"Shhhh... You hear that? It's the battle cries of the dying solders in the Everfree. I have a plenty good view of this fight. I can look right out of my window. I see fire. Oh, wow. A lot of fire. Oh! I see a guy! He- why, he's missing both of his legs. I wonder what happened to them. Uh oh, he's being dragged back in. It looks like something is eating him. Oh my. That's not good. But at least it isn't me."
"The Fat Pony appreciation day parade has been postponed due to the inclement weather. The town isn't too sure when to reschedule the parade. It can't be tomorrow because of the Nazi-Luna debate. It can't be Sunday because nopony does anything on Sunday. Monday might be okay. But everypony will be at work. And even after work, they'll be all tried out. The parade will be on Monday. I don't know why."
"So, All and all, today has been an interesting day. And, you know what? I'm glad that the Fat Pony appreciation day parade is being rescheduled instead on canceled. I need to make plans. And get a lot of lettuce. I hope they find a place to build that new library, too. I'm sure it would be a great thing to have."
"But I think that is all I have to tell you for today. Goodnight, listeners."
Goodnight..."
